27th October, 9:30

I'm sad. All my life I've been living in denial, thinking I'd be fine on my own
But ever since I dared to look for love (started dating), I've found a hole in my
heart that wasn't there before. It sucks in every good thing in my life and makes
it impossible to move on with life. And with love. Love, why is it so important
anyways? All you get from it is heartache. I can't see why it's worth looking for.
However, we still feel the need to find someone who is able to deceive us into t
he perception that our precious time on this world has a purpose. We want to fin
d the one amongst billions of other people and spend a limited eternity with him o
r her. But isn't this foolish? This so called one true love simply doesn't exist. Yo
u just stick to the person you feel like is good enough for you. A person, who l
ives up to your expectations, who can make you feel that you're not alone. In your
mind you will paraphrase this event, thinking you did it. You found your missin
g puzzle piece, the other half of your heart, the reason for your very existence
. But let me tell you this: You should feel sorry for yourself. But I don't blame
you. We're always told that love is imperative, when it really is just an excuse f
or not wanting to be alone. We're born individually and will leave this world the
same way as we entered it. Unaccompanied. Not loved by anyone except by our fami
ly. While this is a complete different chapter of love, my point is, we're told th
at we need love to survive in this world. And sadly we do, but only because we're
told so.

So much for the why we need a partner. Now I'm gonna rant specifically about my curren
t situation. I guess I should have mentioned earlier the most ironic and stupide
st thing in the course of human events: I'm a hopeless romantic. Which, you might
figure, teared my soul apart when I was writing previous paragraph. But I need t
o get this off my chest, even when it's just another hypocritical pseudo-dramatic
story of just another guy with broken English and a limited vocabulary.
I feel sorry for myself as well because he doesn't deserve the attention he gets.
He doesn't even deserve one character in this text. But in fact, he's had such an an
noyingly great impact on my life that I just have to write about him. Although t
o be clear, he is not by any means the main reason for my unprecedented misery.
He just opened a door I'd locked unconsciously. And that's it for him (at least I'm te
lling myself that).
Ok. Let's call him Dave. I just thought of the movie Dumb and Dumber and somehow Dave
came into my mind. I'm sorry for all Daves out there. This is not about you. You're
probably super smart and succeed in life like no other. You go. But the Dave I w
anna talk about represents everything but intelligence. I wonder how he's managed
to study at a university, when his entity is a violation to nature and God. I kn
ow I shouldn't be saying mean things like that, but it helps me letting go of him.
However, Dave: I saw his Facebook profile one day and thought Wow he's cute!. So I a
dded him. Then I read that he's got a boyfriend. Superb, I thought, another slap i
n my face. However, he did seem interested nevertheless and I just kept chatting
with him. One thing led to another, and he invited me over on a Saturday to par
ty with him and his friends. The invitation kind of surprised me, but I did say
that I wanted to meet new people and stuff, so I guess the joke was on me. And b
ack then I hadn't known that he wasn't exactly Einstein. So I assumed that he actual
ly was interested. Like any other hopeless romantic would do.
Saturday it was, and I was getting ready to party? I couldn't think clearly anymore
. I threw a little party for myself at home before going out; I needed some booz
e to make the most of the night (like we're gonna die young) This time I just had a
little bit to drink before the party and I felt great. Still afraid, but more c
onfident.
So I went. When I arrived at his place, I wasn't even sure what the hell I was act
ually doing. He's got a boyfriend! He loves him! I haven't even kissed a guy before!
Etc.
I don't wanna go too much into detail about the party itself. We talked, we laughe
d, we drank. Nothing exciting happened. But: Dave and I did share some moments.
The way we sometimes were looking at each other, like I want you now. I should men
tion at this point that his boyfriend wasn't there that night. He prolly was at ho
me. Or somewhere else. Just not here, where he should have been So that was it fo
r the night. I left way too early because I escorted some friend of him home. We
ll, I wasn't too fond of the idea to stay any longer anyways. I hadn't seen Dave any
more, he was somewhere else, probably flirting with a hotter guy. So I just left
. Walked his friend home, walked home alone. You can imagine how it felt. Walkin
g home alone, sad, drunk and depressed.
Next morning he messaged me. Saying hi. Of course I was super excited. Omg! He l
ikes me after all! Looking back, I don't know why I was being so stupid. Apparentl
y, no, evidently, I gave in to the object of my desire and became stupid myself.
We texted a bit. Time went by fast somehow and evening arrived. He suddenly call
ed me, and I was freaking out. He invited me to a fancy restaurant with his frie
nds. Excitement flew through every vein in my body, every bone shaked at the tho
ught of seeing him again. While being on my way to his place, I realized that hi
s boyfriend might be there. I couldn't bear the thought of that. I kept telling my
self: He liked me, he wanted to see me, he wasn't just being nice.
Turns out he was. His boyfriend was there. And just one other friend. And me. 4
people. Now this is a perfect example of why Dave is Dave. How in the world am I
supposed to be comfortable in this situation? I was being awkward all night, no
t saying much if anything. After this night, Dave seemed to have lost interest i
f he's had any interest in the first place whatsoever. I don't blame him I sure made
them believe that I just wanted to go home, which I did anyway but what kind of
move was that? There was only one explanation for this: He hasn't had any interes
t after all and just thought he would be doing me a favour. Lol. Well, granted:
After the party, when we were texting, I confessed my feelings for him, but simu
ltaneously told him that it wouldn't matter because he's got a boyfriend and I'd be fi
ne with just hanging out with them. Which I'm not. He only replied with a sad smil
ey. He prolly felt sorry for me. And I felt like a fool. Part of my was still ho
ping that he was sad because he couldn't be with me. Not pity-sad. But apparently
it was the latter one. Sucks to be me.
Before I come to the grand finale, I want to apologize for this text having almo
st no structure. I forgot to mention that he's not completely in a happy relations
hip. He's using a dating app and doesn't want anybody to know. Also a friend of his
told me Dave and his boyfriend have been on a little break a while ago. Or somet
hing along these lines. That's why I still had hope I guess.
However, the grand finale: Same place, same time, same people. Plus Dave's boyfrie
nd. Yes, I went to the same party again next week, knowing that his boyfriend wo
uld be there. Don't ask. Please.
So this time, I kinda overstayed my own welcome at my pre-party. I was getting w
ay too drunk. I know I'm desperate, but I'm fine with your judgement. I can only agr
ee.
Now, how was that party different from the one last week? Well, I had to puke, l
eft super early, and Dave hasn't even looked at me for one second. Yes, his boyfri
end was there, but is a glance too much to ask? You can't say he's too afraid of get
ting caught when he's using a dating app that has pictures of is jawline and his b
are chest.
So I did something. Revenge. I refuse getting played by someone who I don't deserv
e. I set up a fake profile on this dating site and messaged him. Obviously, he r
eplied, saying he's looking for fun. Just 10 minutes ago he posted a music video on
his boyfriend's Facebook wall with the capture of 3 hearts. So yeah, there's that. I
know it's none of my business, but I feel sorry for his boyfriend. Dave's cheating.
Lying. Betraying. So I'm determined to make him pay. I know I sound crazy, and ye
s, maybe I am. But the very fact that he's cheating is making me feel less guilty
about myself.
I haven't done any damage yet. Just chatted with him a bit. I'm still pondering how
to expose him without exposing myself. I know that an honest and sincere person
would just go straight to his boyfriend and spill the beans. But I don't have the
courage to do so, it's after all a lot of responsibility, let alone the outcome of
such announcement. Furthermore, this would be the task of a friend way more close
r to both of them. So I'm doing this the nasty way.
Wow. Remember how I was telling you that I wouldn't wanna write about him but I ki
nd of had to? Well, I may be evil, revengeful, and obsessive but at least I can
open my mind.
So here we are, present time. The hole in my heart is still there, but writing t
his novel was fun! There are so many things I'd love to rant about, but I need a b
reak. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this nevertheless. If anyone even read tha
t whole s***.
Cheers