Hopeless Hope

for me to think is a big issue .I am sure it becomes a great

deal
about it ,just to think and re-think.for last five years I had
been so
much of energetic in my life. I can’t imagine about. I was
innovative and imaginative all the years. It doesn’t mean
that, I
am now not optimistic at all. I was and I will be in the
futures, as
my body and the Soul tell me to do so. This is not a simple
articulation about me. My lives had and have been so much
of
controversies I can ever realize it. As I went on passing out
the
times, I saw that life has something meaningful and
significant
sites to be done. I tried to look the meanings of the life. I
only
observed my life styles.
I simply wanted to persuade myself that the life has a
valuable
inner meaning. I never thought about it. When I saw a boy of
14
was looking after his widow mum. Is it impossible for me not
to
be someone in this world? I asked myself and wanted to
implement them in the life. A boy of 14 was taking care of
his sick
and a widow mum. I was very much desperate in my life. As I
saw
the boy polishing the shoes in the road side, from early
morning
till the evening. My heart started betting unusual way.
Pensively I
sat in the café to see a boy’s hard work. He really worked
hard.
His smile was best part of his job.
I had been absolutely pensive regarding my futures. I had a
work,
in which I would earn Rs. 4000 a month. For the first time
when I
got this amount, I was so much excited. I had been working
as a
baby sitter since last 3 years in a foreigner embassy in
Kathmandu. I have lost myself, no wonder where it can be? A
daily routine was going on. I never thought of anything in the
life
time for 3 years.
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I simply could help in my house. Especially in the kitchens
side,
every body would love to have chickens curry of my styles.
Every
body enjoyed eating the tasty curry. I was praised to make a
curry
in most of the festivals time. My family even asked to
become a
Chef. They didn’t know that I was first class Chef in the
house
only. They even didn’t know; my perceptions and pre-
perceptions,
conceptions and the intensions were of different one.
I was more over interested in the various sides of the life. To
know
one self and to realize one potentiality is of great validity for
me. I
valued something extraordinary than any of my family
members
did. With that particular validity I was a head in the life to be
the
one and only one piece. The concept had a crystal cut clarity
in
them. How can I forget words of my own? Who can fiddle
with the
life without knowing one self? I began my adventurous
journeys.
I even know that, I have to have all must everything in the
life.
Millions and millions of people have been struggling in this
world;
just to survive. How have we been surviving, each of us
know
very clearly. With my only salary I could help my parents to
pay
the rent of a flat. How expensive the life have become, I
never
knew. Only When, I started earning the money I came to
know.
Our expense wasn’t high like that of the richer families. We
are
only a middle class family.
There is nothing that you will not find, only you got to have a
plenty of money with us. We missed this one. The money has
stopped us in progressing a lot in the life time. Everything is
counted in Kathmandu. We have become slave to the
money.
Actually the money is a best servant of ours, since we have
become a slave to it; it will never do a good thing to us.
I started thinking how; best and the easy was our life in the
village. I hardly saw one thousand’s notes nothing grater
than ten
rupees notes or lastly fifty rupees notes, what a great
amount of
money I saw in my kids time. Really I don’t mean that at this
time
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I have an extreme interest in earning the money like that of
the
top ten richer men and a woman in the world. Neither do I
dream
of becoming a richest man in the world. They will earn it
before
hand, these richest men and women before they spend any
dollar,
I have to work only thirty days to earn Rs.4000 a moth by
working
4 hours a day. Rest of my hours will be spending in a collage
and
trainings. This boy earns only 2-3 hundreds a day; working
whole
day. After all it depends up on the customers how kind they
are. I
delved in it and thought that I have a life but not a meaning
in it. I
even came to think and re-think that I have to create an
opportunities by myself, then to go after looking for the
chances
in the offices. What an offensive I was in finding the solutions
to
the life.
I fiddled with everything that I could. What else I didn’t do it.
Neither I have to deny nor have I to affirm. I can see lot of
individuals have been dying like a rat and dogs. On the right
time
I have decided to be some one. A decision is made once not
twice.fro this I have to have self sacrifice, self restrains and
self
sufferings to the achievements as I wanted and desired.
I know it well all those people who sacrificed theirs principles
then
the money. They always liked to have the principles and the
ideas
in them so that they have been ruling the world. Just to rule
the
world is not a simple means of doing it so, one really have to
transfer one self. Urgent, important and the entertainments
are
the side of the life that makes us does every thing in the life
what
was impossible. We were wrong in making the decisions.
20%
people go after the urgent like to pick up the phone calls or
the
meting up the people so that they could chat and castigate
the
opposite’s one. Better conversions and the beautiful face
have
nothing to do with the futures carrier.
75% of the individuals have a mood of making full
entertainments
in the life. So they spend whole life doing nothing. Life is not
a
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joke at all. Where as 5% people in the world the entertaining
work
does as they do is. They enjoy the work what they do. Only
5%
have ruled the world. I started calling like this” many
educated
fools are in the world.
I saw lot of struggles in the world politically, economically,
religiously, scientifically and intellectually. Nehru, Gandhi
who
sacrificed theirs life to get rid of the British rule. All the
despotic
rules and regulations had to be thrown in the garbage only
for the
name of the freedoms. These men and women weren’t
extraordinary one.
We watched so many movies and we even have a favorite’s
actor
and actress. Mostly we are influenced by them. We have
become
the victims over the fashion. Did we even think about being
a
great actor or an actress? No, never thought about it. We
wanted
to be entertained and that is enough for us. None of us could
ever
become Michel Jackson, Pele, Benazir Bhutto, Buddha and
lots of
people have ruled us.
As like the singer, players, politicians, economist, and
scientist
many have done countable things in the world. Did we ever
did
discover or invented anything in the world no, not ever?
Automatically everything changed in me. I am a lady of
introvert
feelings within me. My brother went to an abroad to earn. It
is the
evident and the incident changed me a lot. I felt really lonely
at
my heart. I never thought him to go and work in an abroad.
For a year I stayed quite. I had curious feeling to be in an
abroad.
Just like him to earn and to be independent. I felt so lonely
that I
only could realize them. My inner heart provoked me a lot to
be
with him. We really loved each other so much; we never felt
like
to be a part.
I never asked my dad or mum to be a pm of a country. I
neither
asked them to send me in March. However my desires
weren’t
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fulfilled at all. Simultaneously I asked my dad to send me to
U.S.A
for dance competitions. It was a rap dance competitions’ was
happy to dance and make my country name proud. All my
desires
were articulated in the mails. First my brother didn’t like it.
First
thing the cost for the visa, tickets, and to stay in u.s.a is not
easy.
He thought like this. Latter I made him understand and
convinced
him a lot; still he was full of doubt and didn’t like it. Latter he
wrote me like this” you do as you like, all I need to see your
futures to be bright and you must not suffer at all again like
that
of the childhoods.”
Only I have to make understand was my dad and mum. I
could lie
any one in this world, except my brother. My dance teacher
was
supportive to me. He even decided to help me. We were 5
girls
going to U.S.A. we were mailing to each other almost every
day.
Lastly dad as well send me his account number to be used
by
me.Everythings was done. Now again I was in trouble.
Actually I
decided to stay illegally in u.s.a.
I know that dad and brother was fade of up me. Because it
was
not theirs intentions .what they might have thought about
me
regarding my futures, still I was an obstinate girl. They have
swallowed what I have done to them. They tried to make me
understand as far as possible was. They didn’t leave the
options.
Still, I didn’t let my heart feel the sadness about it.
I went to American embassy in Kathmandu. I even gave an
interview hope of passing it. Everything I did. So many
problems
were on the way. I masticated lot of struggles in the life
time.
Finally I had to have some of the balanced in the accounts.
So I
thought of getting it illegally .my dad didn’t have so much of
the
money .only options was to keep our loving house in the
lease. I
didn’t like it the idea of keeping a house in the lease. I
wasn’t
going for my studies. How was to get the money was my
questions? My brother earned only 300$in u.a.e. I never
expected
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his money to be spending in my visits in u.s.a for a week. So
I
gave up going to usa. This time also I failed in my dreams.
My brother explained me so much lastly. He didn’t insult me.
It
was the good side of him, which I liked so much. I was never
hopeless by the way. However my brother told me that I was
hopeless. He seems to be right. However I never gave my
hope of
feelings. I was selfish by the way. In the present world each
and
every one of us are selfish. I was not an exception. What else
would I do? Without informing any in the house; I took an
initiative
myself. This is the stupidity that, I have been doing again
and
again. My narcissistic habits really troubled my family all the
time.
It was not the first time I ever did like this.
Almost I failed in the life; which I keep thinking. When, I
failed in
grade 11 First times in only one subject. Those made me go
further in the futures. So, I had to take certain initiatives.
Studying
didn’t favor me. I had only one concept that is to work in the
abroad likes my brother. Forget about studying and
earnings. To
earn and to save the money was a good idea. For me to
think
randomly is not a big thing, I don’t go on thinking like those
of
great thinker, philosophers. Yet! My thinking is as good as
those of
greater scientist or the philosophers. First failure was my
ever
failure I went on taking it. My life became more
disadvantages to
me. Why did I accept like that I myself didn’t know? I neither
showed any negligence in doing any of the exams or that of
the
things which can’t be taken as a grant.
My mind was not stable. It was moving like the sea, wind,
river
and the floods. Fluctuating mind really gave me a lot of
trouble. It
shows that mind was full of flummoxed. Was I wrong or my
family
who told me not going to USA? Who was wrong? I accepted
myself being wrong. My mind was prepared struggle in any
case
to be in an abroad. All I wanted to do was to show the
society that
being a girl I too can do better than a man.
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My mind wasn’t frozen like the Mt.Everest or the dry Arabian
deserts in the world. So much of fertilized mind I have it, that
no
one can imagine. I am expressing it truly in the world. Not
only
once I challenged myself in order to progress. Self a progress
was
my topics to gain it. In any case I wanted to be successful
person
one way or the other ways. Be it in the abroad or in within
the
nations. I was not happy with my earnings. Though, I was
never
given a chance to earn the money. They never asked me to
earn
my livelihood. But, my curiosity made all the confrontations
come
in our lives.
I kept on trying to ensure myself that I will be in a best
position. I
took next step to be in an abroad. They didn’t invective me
so
much. Only, my parents did was pursued me so much like a
kid to
me. I learned dance like any other ladies in the
contemporary
fashions. Within two months I earned them. Like those great
actor
and actress in the world, thinking I too can dance similar to
them.
My offensive attitude made dad and a mum upset.
My brother used to send me as much money I requested.
Within
6months he gave me Rs.75 thousand which means 1500$
.this
much amount is very big money to every Nepalese. I used so
randomly I can’t details tell my dad. He never asked me
about the
money he gave to me. That was the mistake he made I think
so.
He loved me so much. However I never thought of getting
profits
by the love he showed me.
So I stated taking next step to be in Japan. To be in a dance
restaurant where I didn’t had to pay single penny. I tried to
entice
my family about it. As they slowly understood, whole of them
refused so often, I never thought. They didn’t want me to be
a
dancer in a restaurant, rather they would die starving but
never
will they allow me to do so. To go was free of cost. What
they told
me was I would be sexually abused by Japanese. They were
right.
Yet! I was ready to go .how much I hurt them I know it well,
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except me no one less. My family didn’t hurt me not even
scolded
me. My thinking was like foams that every second it
emerged.
My parents remained so silent, though I hurt them so much
as
deeply as the sea and as high as the galaxies .still they loved
me
so much. I ‘m, very much shameful to them. My parents and
specially my brother told me like this” you have become
hopeless,
and become fools by the way.” it was enough for me, to
think
clearly. They didn’t want to lose me. I am only the daughter
in the
house. I am the pride of a house. This is how they take me .it
doesn’t mean that my family are of old contemporaries’. The
contemplative side can be like this they are the one who
cares
about me and showed full of affections. My cognitive
emotions
made me fools .my selfishness made me hurt them. All my
desires did everything and unnecessary thinking created it
so,
how can I hurt them?
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