DANCING

WITH BEARS, PT. 2 TIME-OUT OF BOUNDS

By

Ben Shalant
Intended for No Shame SLO, June 27, 2014

1169 Leff St.

San Luis Obispo, CA 93401
8054484447
shaveyourbrain@me.com

INT. BRAZILIAN RESTAURANT DAY

[In this scene: BOARK and ANGRY SUE, a couple on the rocks.]

BOARK
Did you know they tell you to come four times after you
have a vasectomy? I love Brazilian food, even with no meat.
I was telling BATTY, this is the best Vegan restaurant in
town. That is, he brought me to show me its whereabouts.
ANGRY SUE
Then you two went out afterwards?
BOARK
No, I wanted to find out about his work, ANGRY SUE, thats
all.
ANGRY SUE
Did you propose to him, BOARK?
BOARK
The proposition is for you!
(beat)
ANGRY SUE
You must already know why were here, dont you? In a
fancy restaurant where Batty just so happens to work?
BOARK
To celebrate, Angry Sue, our future together?
ANGRY SUE
Why dont you call me Angry Sue, again? You know, with
overpopulation, sometimes I think this baby-making
business is Hell. You dont know why
BOARK
Were here, to eat?
ANGRY SUE
Im getting a tubal ligation.

BOARK
(hard beat)
I feel like the continental shelf just gave out underneath me,
and you come and sweep in like a tsunami. You dont
wanna have a baby?
ANGRY SUE
I never. I need to be sure we dont destroy the planet. With
the energy equivalent of a Hiroshima going off - twice a
second - added to the ocean from the Greenhouse Effect,
Im headaching enough as it is, (like Athena,) and youre
tiring.
BOARK
Is your plan to practice abstinence? Its awesome your
commitment to the Environment. Exciting events have
transpired for me, this week, as well.
ANGRY SUE
We have unfinished business to discuss? I dont want to live
together.
BOARK
In this day and age?
ANGRY SUE
I dont want to get pregnant, not once.
BOARK
If it makes you feel any better, Im getting a vasectomy. My
balls will be impended to prove my superability.
ANGRY SUE
Youd do that for me? I thought itd always be me haffna do
everything myself. The syllogism between beauty and
fecundity needs to be uncoupled.
BOARK
And how about age and reproductive capacity?
ANGRY SUE
What are you saying? Thats all you men have going, in a
nutshell.

(beat)
I have to be sure.
BOARK
You and me? No.
ANGRY SUE
Youre burying the lead.
BOARK
My parents are getting increasingly desperate for me to
have a family of my own until such time as I prove I can
demonstrate control over my choice to be done in that
department.
ANGRY SUE
Save your dignity: have a vasectomy!
INT. BAKERY THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND.
[Boark and BATTY sit in the Zen Bakery over a plate of muffins, nibbling the tops.]
BOARK
Angry Sue went with me to my outpatient appointment for
the vasectomy. Once inside, I expressed some doubts that
Id not be able to have children, and so they did a routine
test to see if my sperm could survive being frozen in liquid
nitrogen. The surgeon informed me that they didnt make it.
All I knew is how bad it felt and, when I came out into the
waiting room, Angry Sue looked so excited and relieved.
BATTY
Angry Sue thought you had a vasectomy, and you didnt?
BOARK
It didnt matter. She was menstruating, and she wanted the
creamy crack.
BATTY
Whoa! Such a distasteful expression! I prefer man juice, Yo,
homes, you have got to straighten that out! You cant lie
about something like that!
BOARK
Its just that she looked so beautiful in that moment.

BATTY
Stop lying!

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
[Batty, Boark, Angry sue]
Boark and Angry Sue are back to being seated in the restaurant.

ACTION: BATTY ENTERS. HE WEARS AN APRON.

BATTY
Welcome, youre here! Are you here to celebrate?
ANGRY SUE
Celebrate? Can I speak to BOARK for a second, privately?
ACTION: BATTY SCRAMS.
INT. RESTAURANT CONTINUOUS
[Boark, Angry Sue]

ANGRY SUE

The most spectacular and amazing things are happening -

to me and, ever since I decided to be celibate!
BOARK
I thought you said celebrate, to celebrate that I came four
times! Other exciting events have transpired for me, as well.
ANGRY SUE
Fine, you go first.
BOARK
I have a kind of proposition to discuss. Because I was
terrified Id lost you, I had a monster brainstorm. The plan
to invent a new product brand fell into my lap.
ANGRY SUE
Im being really clear about my boundaries, and Im not
interested in being your business partner. But, if you found
a way to make a living, youve piqued my interest.
BOARK
I learned that provitamin B-12 is (like) essential to avoid

Beri-Beri if you dont eat meat. The same as scurvy and

fresh vegetables. I want to market a supplement with a
traditional Brazilian cowboy, a Boidadeiro riding a black,
bucking bull on the label.
ANGRY SUE
A bucking bull?
BOARK
No pun intended.
ANGRY SUE
Let me guess, holding his saddle in one hand and a glass
bottle raised over his head in the other?
BOARK
Yay, you got it! And, on that bottle a smaller cowboy. It
would have 12,000% on the daily allowance of B-12. It
would be a serious competitor against those 6 or 8 hour
energy shots.
ANGRY SUE
What is the difference between the 6 and 8, anyway?
(Thats what he said.)
BOARK
(mimes weighing things with his hands)
Both have a miniscule amount of caffeine and a smidgen of
B-12. No, its the Aspartame.
ANGRY SUE
The sweetener! It would have Red Bull as competition, too.
BOARK
Because the labels so cool! It would be made in the U.S.A.
and get this its made out of meat!
ANGRY SUE
I cant date someone whos making vitamins out of meat.
Im a vegetarian. Thats gross.
BOARK
Its a meta issue. You can make it out of something else
once the brand is recognized.

ANGRY SUE
But why meat!? Screw it, I cant have you in my life if you
make this product.
BOARK
Its called Meat-12. This is going to support us.
ANGRY SUE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And 12,000% is just 1 milligram. So not
cool!
BOARK
But its meta.
ACTION: BOARK LIMPLY LEANS IN TO HUG ANGRY SUE.


ANGRY SUE
You could call it Meatastasize Me or Meat Up, because, we
met and its over.

(beat)

BOARK
Wherefore do you get off? I got a vasectomy for you.

(beat)
ANGRY SUE
Are you shitting me? The most amazing thing - I realized
today: I missed my period.

(beat)

BOARK
Come again?
FADE OUT:
THE END