Issue 98 February 2014

The magazine for British Red Cross volunteers and staff

HENRI
DA GIGGLEZ

LEAVING THE RED CROSS

TO FORM NEW R&B ACT

SPOT THE
DIFFERENCE

MUTANT NINJA MAKIWA

Henry Makiwa in shock

Bromance split
Gave 1,628
Hearts were broken across Red Cross UKO when the
people firstnews
aid
of Henry Makiwas departure was announced but
at eventsfor one writer in particular, it provided a devastating blow.

WHAT HENRY DID NEXT

Red Cross Senior Media Relations Officer

Henry Makiwa has announced he will be
leaving the world of humanitarian aid to
start a new RnB superband.
Makiwa, long known in cult circles for his
distinctive high-pitched falsetto, joins Pharrell
Williams and will.i.am to create a new act dubbed
Da Gigglez.
The group are known for their underground
smash hit The Cougar and the Toyboy and are
rumoured to be taking on the Peace Collectives
re-release of All Together Now for the Christmas
Number one with the release of White Wine
Makes Me Horny.

Sam Smith, whose infatuation with Makiwa reportedly

began after he walked in on him changing in the mens
loos, hasnt been able to put pen to paper since Henry
told him of his imminent departure. He said: I can still
feel the breeze, that rustles through the trees, and misty
memories of days gone by. I could never see tomorrow,
no one said a word about the sorrow. Oh, how can you
mend a broken heart?

Even music mogul Simon Cowell is wanting a

piece of the action and, in extraordinary scenes at
ITV studios after Sundays X factor final, decided
to ditch his winning act in favour of Da Gigglez:
Screw Ben Haenow and this multi-million pound
bland music making machine, Im backing Henry
and Da Gigglez all the way. White Wine Makes
Me Horney is a rare and brilliant song and it
deserves to win the top slot . Sure, this is a sad
day for the Red Cross but a great day for music
lovers around the world, particularly those who
are into men with girly voices. Not since the days
of Jedward have I been so excited about a new
act.
redcross.org.uk/dagigglez

In an extraordinary twist, Life magazine can

Put 46 families
now exclusively reveal that Sams recent visit to
back in touch
Haiti was actually a cover for the bereft writer who
through family
was actually at the Recovery Centre for Broken
reunion andBromances
family in the Cotswalds. One insider reported
that
Sam just wandered the corridors clutching a
tracing services
selfie Makiwa had sent him while on holiday in Bali
this summer shouting, ImIm so in love with
you, whatever you want to do, is all right with me.

Makiwa, who is engaged to top Reuters journalist,

Katie Nguyen, has promised that the bromance will
continue, inspite of Sams fears of the love dwindling. He
said, Hes my BAE man, its cool. Sam, who has had to
take a leave of absence for Makiwas last day, declined
to comment.

GIVE CHICK-PEACE A CHANCE

Loads of TV interviews and exposure

MAKIWA INFO GRAPHIC

Loads of flights
to exotic places

Henry Makiwa the renowned humanitarian has

launched a new Red Cross appeal to send
chickpeas to vulnerable people without pulses
around the world. People without pulses, is a
revolutionary new campaign that will give those
who have never tried the delicious, highly nutritional
taste of Chickpea- cans of the legume, whoever and
wherever they are.
Makiwa said of the project Feed the world, let
them know its chickpea time! Chickpeas, part of
the Fabacae family, are one of the best sources
of protein! They can be eaten; boiled, mashed, or
fried. They are also great as hummus or my personal
favourite falafel! I personally like to accompany my
chickpeas with a side of additional protein such as
egg or meat. But people who care less about their
bodies than I do, could have them with bread or
even a vegetable! I feel passionately that people
experience the joys of chickpeas which is why I
developed People Without Pulses.

Thousands of trips
to the gym to get a
body like a ninja turtle

Makiwa recently invested in cutting edge drone

technology to deliver chickpeas by air to vulnerable
pulseless communities.
Rosie Stewart, a recent People Without Pulses
beneficiary, said; I cannot thank Henry enough for
bringing chickpeas into my life! I dont know how I
went for so long without them. They are so versatile.
I, like Henry, am now converted to eating them every
single day.
People Without Pulses has so far reached over 200
people, but it is hoped with the new fleet of drones
that this figure will have more than doubled by the
new year.

PLEASE SUPPORT
DRONE MAKIWA

Win your very own

HENRI WARHOL
limited edition print

All you have to do is

giggle like a girl, record it
on your phone and text
GIGGLE TO 5014

Henri Makiwas Fundamental

Principles 7 easy steps to a new,
improved you

Top lifestyle coach and media guru, Henry

Makiwa has finally revealed his secrets to
success, penning his own fundamental
principles inspired by his idol, Red Cross
founder Henri Dunant. Henry, who some
say resembles a young Dunant, says:
My children, I must leave but here is my
gift to you.

1. Eat Clean. Train Dirty this is rule

number one. You dont get anywhere in
life without blood, sweat and chickpeas.
2. Dont panic Ebola epidemic? Deadly
typhoon? Volcano eruption? Eh man, just
chill. Its alllll cool.
3. Giggle aid never underestimate the
healing powers of a good, old fashioned
giggleeven if no-one else gets the joke.
4. Tits oooh man, theyre amazing. I
wish I had my own. If youre ever feeling
down, just find Anna Macswan and get
her to say tits it never gets old.
5. Work/life balance I like to start my
night at 5pm on the dot with a double
brandy in a mug at my desk and suggest
you do the same.
6. Cut through the bullshit its all bullshit
man, bullshit. All youve got to do is find a
path through it.
7. Finally comrades, in the words of my
boy, Dunant, One Love.

Henrys stories
Chief execs anaconda on the loose in
Moorgate
Rumours of a giant snake lurking in the sixth floor
loos have been confirmed by British Red Cross
senior media officer, Steve Irwin.
Irwin claimed to have spotted the beast, believed
to belong to a former chief executive, several years
ago and had urged new recruits not to approach it.
One media officer, who asked not to be named,
felt it only fair to warn other national society
members of the danger when on a recent foreign
deployment.
I believe everything Irwin says 100 per cent so I
was quick to tell my colleagues from around the
world that it was well known our chief exec had a
massive anaconda and that it was so big, no hands
could hold it.
I warned them about that cross-dressing fella from
the third floor while I was at it.
Senior media officer captivated by ceiling
Outgoing news hero Henry Makiwa has confessed
to being so captivated by ceilings, the sky and
anything above chest-height that he struggles to
focus on two particular issues raised by colleagues
in International.
Its become a real problem, said Makiwa. One of
my colleagues had two major points to make but I
found myself staring upwards, unable to make eye
contact.

NOW

F**K OFF
HENRY :)