MICHELE GORMAN

The Curvy Girls Club

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C H A P TE R S I X

Youve lost two pounds. Well done, Katie, gushed Pam the
next week at Slimming Zone as she updated my chart. Pam
was a gusher, which made her the perfect slimming coach.
She acted like wed found a cure for PMT every time we
dropped a bit of weight.
The last time Id lost two pounds was when Jane made
us do the Caveman Diet. It was no compensation for the
eggy burps. Thankfully, womankind then left the caves and
evolved to discover baked goods.
I grinned at my friends. Ellie pulled a face. Sore gainer.
Thats fantastic, Jane said when I joined them. How did
you do that?
Ive no idea, I said. I didnt do anything unusual. Ellie,
you know I had at least two do-over days last week. I wasnt
gloating too much. Two pounds is a drop in the sea when
youre a woman of larger proportions.
Besides, I was starting to see Pixies point. If we spent as
much time and effort actually losing weight as we did talking
and thinking about it, wed all be size eights. Id never noticed
how much our conversations revolved around weight. It was
just a normal part of my life with my friends.
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But something had begun to shift in my head over the

past month. Each time we went out together, I found myself
becoming less conscious of my size. For those few hours I
forgot I was Fat Katie. I was simply a normal woman having
fun with her best friends.
But as we were at the meeting to talk about weight, I
couldnt begrudge Jane her congratulations when Pam
announced that shed dropped three pounds, even if her
methods were suspect. Shed been pill-popping her way to
weight loss.
Do you know I can actually imagine getting back to my
goal weight? she said. Two and a half stone to go. I can do
this. Alli, I love you!
But isnt it making you poo all the time? I asked, knowing
the answer. I wouldnt be as unconditionally in love with
something that made me incontinent.
And its not just the frequent poos, is it? Ellie raised her
eyebrow. I looked it up too. It sounds like there can be some
other nasty shocks. Jane? Would you like to tell everyone
whats really been happening?
That got my full attention.
Janes peaches-and-cream complexion reddened. Well, you
really do need to eat a low-fat diet or there are problems.
The warnings are all over the instructions. So its no magic
pill to make up for going overboard. In fact, its the opposite.
You definitely shouldnt take them when youve eaten too
much fat. I didnt believe that, until it happened ... She
shook her head. I shat my pants. I thought it was just wind.
It was more.
Oh god, thats disgusting!
Did you shart?
Her shoulders shook as she covered her face. I sharted!
she said through her fingers. Thank god I was at home so
I could shower and change. She lowered her voice. The pills
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keep you from absorbing fat. If it doesnt get absorbed, its

got to go somewhere. That means the poos are more ...
juicy than normal. A bit greasy.
Jane, are you sure about this? I said. Slippery bowel
movements cant be worth the weight loss.
I think they are, she said quietly. When I saw her expression I let the topic drop.
Rob hurried into the meeting, shrugging his coat off as he
headed for Pam. His face lit up when he saw us at the back.
Ill be right with you, he said, loping to the scales for his
reckoning.
I wasnt sure why Rob came to the meetings. He was one
of those men well-suited to his size big and comfortingly
solid. He always wore jeans that flattered his long athletic
legs and favoured band tee shirts with linen jackets, and
Converse trainers or those brown leather bowling shoes.
Because of his height he had the look of a gentle bear. A
friendly, handsome, gentle bear.
Youre the talk of the meeting, you know, he said as he
flung himself into a chair with all the grace of a walrus on
land. Rumour has it youve started some kind of club.
Oh, but its not a club, Jane said. Its just us. Weve been
going out together lately. We went to an improvisational
acting class last night!
As she told Rob about it I found myself grinning madly.
When Jane suggested the evening taster class, Id cringed at
the thought. And acting in front of my best friends? My feelings on the subject flip-flopped between excitement and dread.
If were made to roll around on the floor and get in touch
with our inner child, Ill meet you at the pub around the
corner when youre done, Pixie had said as wed made our
way down the primary schools corridor, where crayoned
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artwork decorated the walls. We passed the childrens Ikeabright blue and yellow lockers and found our classroom.
There were around a dozen women already there. The
desks and chairs had been pushed into the corners and a
woman of about fifty stood in the centre of the room. She
was wearing a leotard. I moved between Pixie and the door.
Its not exercise, is it? Jane whispered, scrutinising the
womans hand-knitted legwarmers. Because I havent got the
right clothes.
I havent got the right frame of mind, Pixie added.
Lets see if its weird. If it is well make an excuse and
leave. Agreed? Everyone nodded.
Despite her penchant for Glee-inspired attire, the instructor,
Alexandra, wasnt at all weird. Within minutes we all wanted
to be her friend. She explained what wed be doing, with a
huge disclaimer about not being able to make us awardwinning actors in a single evening. Everyone laughed at the
very idea. Few serious actors began their careers at an adult
learning evening in the local primary school.
Okay, well start with a few warm-ups, said Alexandra,
sparking Pixies suspicion once again. Everyone please make
a circle. This is called The Shakes, and its meant to help with
any performance anxiety we may feel. Ill explain as we go.
Alexandra slowly looked at her hand, which began to
twitch. She raised it in front of her, where her fingers started
to spasm more regularly. The spasms became shudders, then
judders until finally her fingers were toodloo-ing, giving her
a very enthusiastic jazz hand.
Now, Im going to look at someone and throw them my
shakes. When they catch them, their fingers will also start to
shake like mine. Then the shakes will move from their fingers
to another part of their body, any part. Theyll look at
someone else and that person will catch the new shakes. She
jerked her head and looked straight at Ellie.
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Oh, already? Well, all right then, Ill try. She quivered
admirably before throwing a bobble head at me.
I caught it, and my head began a side to side movement
to rival that nodding dog off the Churchill advert. Then I
let the shakes settle into my shoulders. I could feel the backs
of my arms jiggle, and my boobs began to bounce despite
wearing a support bra that could shore up a landslide. Back
and forth my shoulders went, as my arms went out by my
sides, palms facing forward. Then my shoulders shook in
smaller and smaller movements as my breasts began a dangerously pendulous sway. I looked at Pixie.
You are joking, love.
I shrugged, briefly throwing myself off my rhythm.
All right, she said. Im sorry for everyone who has to watch
this. With that she began to shimmy. By the end of the exercise
everyone was definitely warmed up, if out of breath. The night
flew by as we played Pinocchio awakening each body part
from our foreheads to our toes and something called Freeze,
where we actually got to act a bit. By the end of the evening
it was safe to say that none of us was destined for the stage,
but my sides ached from laughing (and my boobs hurt).
So we just meet once or twice a week to do something fun,
I explained when Jane finished recounting the night.
That sounds like a club to me, Rob said.
Ellie laughed. A club of four. We dont exactly need to
hire out the O2 for our annual conference.
So its very exclusive, he said amiably.
I suppose not, Jane said. We havent really discussed
whether more people could come along ...?
The more the merrier, I said. Depending on what were
doing.
I agree, said Ellie. But wed want to check with Pixie
too, in case shed rather stick to just us four.
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Rob smiled at her apologetic look. Where is Pixie?

She quit.
He considered this for a moment. Good for her. She hasnt
seemed happy here for a while. Make sure its okay with
Pixie and if everyone agrees then Im sure the others would
love to join you. The rumour mill has been grinding. They
think youve been out on champagne-soaked excursions.
Amanda said she heard you went to Monaco.
Ha! Weve gone to Hackney, I said. It sounds like weve
got a lot to live up to.
Rob suddenly looked bashful. If its not an all-girls club,
maybe I could come along too?
Its not a club!
I suppose it could be a club though, Ellie said. Would
you want to come out with us, Rob? I could see her eyes
asking us if that was all right.
Fine with me, I said.
Me too, said Jane. Rob, Id love for you to join us.
Then we just need to see if Pixie objects.

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