Too Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students
.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the sit
uation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he fa
iled to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behav
e. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to t
ake the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should kno
w.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3r
d grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal
and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry,
after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The princip
al wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The pri
ncipal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog

does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of he
at and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
The Lawyer and the Roadkill
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead law
yer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Liar Sermon
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am goi
ng to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation f
or my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all o
f you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, ple
ase raise your hands.''
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seve
nteenth chapter of Mark.''

Aliens Attack
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "th
ere's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.
"
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Ten O'Clock All Over the World

In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?
In England, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?
In Paris, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?
And in Poland, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?

Sex Therapy - Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong wit
h the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good
luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch a
gain. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has interc
ourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I
have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we c
an't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn c
harges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back f
rom Medicare...!

Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in an
imated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the fol
lowing:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-amore.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spel
la Mississippi.''

Pervert Psychiatrist

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him
what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

A Lonely Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So
his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of t
he marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What moti
vated you to do so well in school?"
He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooli
ng around!"

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fa
ll asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there ar
e millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it t
ells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarte
r past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are sm
all and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day t
omorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stol
en our tent."

www.YoMama
Yo mama''s so fat, she dont need the Internet - she's already world wide.

The Duck and the Condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make
love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to r

oom service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high sc
hool. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. T
hen a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of y
outhful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every
trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, un
til finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they bange
d their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun.
I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the
same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dol
lar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a s
ad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income,"
he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on th
e cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and conti
nued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them
again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not go
ing to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to wa
ste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude
. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Feel the Hot Burn of Shame!!!

Did you hear the one about the Catholic porn film?
It was 10 minutes of sex and 50 minutes of guilt.

The Blonde and the Blinker

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see
if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes.
No. Yes. No.''

Would You Marry Again, Scummy?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I di
ed would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

Some Supermodel Insight

"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -Tatjana Patitz
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -Linda E
vangelista
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I
would." -Kate Moss
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't wor
k." -Paulina Porizkova
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -Linda Evangelista
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." Carol Alt
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's
ugly? You're ugly.'" -Beverly Johnson
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -Tyra Banks
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -Kim Alexis

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dam
mit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough
air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting o
ff.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then ac
t embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until y
ou hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've g
ot new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, d
amn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passe
ngers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

Christmas Italian Style

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wonderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Santa wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
A little boy wrote to Santa ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

A guy was smoking a cigarette...

A guy was smoking a cigarette.
Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?"
The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains20 cigarettes.
He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra ciga
rettes".

Braggadocio
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now o
wns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!
"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, b
ut now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansio
n!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange
, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a
$1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointmen
t. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, betwe
en them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for
his birthday."

Dangerously Cheesy
What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nachocheese.

Reporting
When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does i
t, it's called "stalking."

College Grads
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Intelligent Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not l
ive forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to
live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is w
hy I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can'
t help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those f
lies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life
," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal ant
i-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Ben
nett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the co
untry," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the pres
ident," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm jus
t the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There we
re great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly t
rying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Dan
ny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our a
ir and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Ia
cocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the trut
h. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Ira
n-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman E
instein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Ender
bery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notic
e that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change
in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Caro
lina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning,
when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn t have a problem w
ith forest fires.
George Bush