usimess/seuri NEVER WALK AWAY FROM ANOTHER TOUCH Uta de ce ee) Ne book ts decade from he foreword byTOM PETERS "Rovoltlonary ideas... opportunites fr beaktough ~STEPMENR. COVEY too Habit ogy Ect Pople "Uesh be epee ato o satiation and mee ie hme KEN BLANCHARD, ona of Te ne tite sseogr® ‘nd Te Secret What Gea Leaders Kean '{uOd [eronso suoljeu0L “Bilan stoi fr those det dcasson at home ad tn the worpace ~SOLEDAD O-BRIEN coe Hs Mong Eilon National e: Tools for Bestseller tsa nr Hl nore 10 sin) “== j Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzer National Bestseller Cruelal ConversationsPRAISE FOR CRUCIAL CONFRONTATIONS The revolutionary ideas in this book demonstrate how these moments of potential breakdown are in fae, opportuni: for breakthrough. The wisdom this book offers will not only save countless imperiled relationships, it wil strengthen the world by profoundly strengthening its fendamenta build ing blocks—our families, neighborhoods, communities, and workplaces, Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habit of Highly Bjactive People The ook and concepts of Crucial Conertations have proven to be extraordinarily efetve in preparing ou Kader to manage change and improve rls, We expect this new book to ake us tothe next eel in diving aoumtabilty Mike Redenbeugh, CEO, Bell Hezoptr “The greatest test ofa relationship i what happens when sme fone lets you down. Ye thee ae the moments of retest oppor tunity By leming to manaye eral confrontations, you can unless the tue potential of a relationship or organization and ‘move it to the sax lovel. Never again wil you have to choose between candor and Kindness. This book teaches yu that you can win by using both, Ken Blanchard, coauthor f ‘The One Minute Manager nd The Secret: Whet Great Leaders Know—ond Do “I've got no patience for fo-foo. This book tthe real dati has immediate procticality, Tie not Mall, The authors spent ‘over 10,000 hours observing individuals who hid been identfad asthe best at engaging in fic but nscesary confronts tions where evenone wins and relationships are ulimetely srengthened, Read it underine lar from i Is gem.” Mike Morr VP Human Resouress and Administration Microsoft retired) “Hothead players, Bad eft, Energi coches. Anxious team ‘owners. Watch out! This book refines how we all relate to tech other Read it now or gt ls inthe dust. —Panny Ainge, Ercative Director, Basketball Operations Boston Coles "Brat honesty is easy. Sufleing in silence takes no ski Achieving absolute honesty whl rsntining complete respect equires sil And useful kl i what this book oer. I rede fines how we relat ta each other at work and a home. When Cucial Confrontations becomes roguired reading for everyone, the result willbe overwhelming increases in produc and rorpesiy” Harry Poul, cooutor, FSH! A Remarkab Way o Boost Morale and improve Results “ve seen fst hand how these ideas can change company fr the bette. Rat Crucial Confonttons snot forthe fai heated leader 1 stars withthe CEO, demands greater openness ofall leaders, and removes peoples chron excuses fr ale rests in the pst. cals cretes anew cinate of wines on everyones rt to confront tough sues with colsegues. It work. I pro. Founaly atfsts performance | highly recommend i” Russell K, Tolman, President & CEO Cook Childrens Health Care System, Fore Worth, Texas “This book bristles with ideas and insights, The authors build « competing set of sills basod on solid research and a {deep understanding of psychological functioning. Think of the ‘most talented leaders, parents, oF spouses you know—these se the skills they use. I is a “must read’ book for anyone who has to make decisions about people and to be socially sfletve, Dr. Philip Zimbardo, autor host of the PRS series Discovering Pychology past president of the American Pychological Assocation, Profesor of Paychology, Sanford Unvesy ‘The compelling organizational, often tifesaving, skills pre sented in this book are the most important contain to Improving human intrations in healthcare Ihave seen in my career Tam confident that all healthcare providers adopt those strtegies there wl be «dramatic improvement inpatient safety und satsfecion—the “botomstne™ in healthete tht relly counts ‘Wands Johanson, President, “American Aswocation of Critical Care Nurse "To susan aleaming culture, the ook of Cri Conversations and now Crucial Confontatins area mushave! Read on and find out how Crucial Confomttions can add to your tens cffetveness!™ —Charloe Roberts, coauthor of The Pith Disiline Feld Book “Clear and consistent communistion ean work magic in an ‘orginization .. but only i ears have the courage and skills to st clear expectations and old ll individuals accountable,Cuciat Confomtations gives leaders simple, effi tols to adress tough problems and move reshiion.” ‘uit Studer, CEO, Studer Group and athor of Harding Excellence There io way to overestimate the powerf language and con versation to ansfrm our tives, Crud Confrontations offers proven and powerful way to have more athent relatonshipe na way that brings more cae and compassion int the word. Pater Block, author of Fawiss Consulting ‘Stewardship, and The Arower to How Is Yes ‘Cll Confrontations ays out not oly the need fr secount sbi, but ab practical tps en how to mske it happen. People who s4y they believe in accountability and execution, but st le with how to dot, should have this book on their desk. oes beyond conceptual sluions, and provides spl techniques and approaches tht anyon Paul Mekinnon, Senior VP of Human Resources, Del Ine “They've dane it agin! Wich Cui Contato, the authors Fave once again delivered practic an proven toast immed sel improve individual performance and organization success ‘This wil be the most recommended and most effective resource ln my ibe” Stacey Alton Firth, Vee Present Human Resoores, Ford of Canada Crucial ConfrontationsTol for Ting Who te Sees Are High Crucial. Confrontations Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler MoGraw-HitLT We dedicate this book to ‘THE WORLD'S BEST LEADERS, Those courageous and sill ‘managers, supenisor, associates, tare member, ares, colleagues, ad ocknicians who stepped up to sough ve hostile, ond rial problems ‘nd deol wth then superb Than you for helping us lamContents Foreword x Prelice x Acknowledgments xvi Introduction: Wha a Cras Confrontation? 4 Who Cares? 1 Part One: Work on Me First (Ch, 1: Choose What and If How to Know Wat Cacal Conf ‘nd f Yo Should Hd tion to Hold (Ch. 2: Master My Stories (et You Head Right Opening Your Mouth 55 Part Two: Confront with Sa What to Do during a Crucial Corona Ch, 5: Describe the Gap Ch, 4: Make It Motivating How o Help Others Want to Toke Action 115 Ch. 5: Make It Easy Howto Make Keeping Commitments (Almost) Painless 145(Ch, 6; Stay Focused and Flexible ‘What 1 Do When Otiers Get Sidetacked, Seream, or Sulk 171 Part Three: Move to Action What to Do afer a CruciatConfomtation 199 Ch. 7: Agree on a Plan and Follow Up Howto Gain Commitment and Move to Action 201 (Ch, 8: Put It All Together How to Sove Big Sticky, Complicated Problems 2 Ch. 9: The Twelve "Yeah Bats” How to Deal with the Ty Tough 231 Appendix A: Where Do You Stand? A Self Ausessment for Measuring Your Cricial Confrontation Silly 253, Appendix B: Six Source Diagostc Questions The SieSource Model 258 Appendix C: When Things Go Right 262 Appens Dy Discusion Quesons fr Reading Groups 269 Notes 271 Index 275 Foreword [As I vead thls book, my mind kept reverting 1 a particular Image. Namely JD. Watson and Franls Ck a thoy rule. lesly pursued the mystery of lie... and finally struck upon the double helix structure of DNA, The world hts never been the same. Nex stp ..- Stockholm in December dont know whether the authors of this book will tthe call hat confirms a Nob, bu there’ prt of me tht thinks ‘t's hei just deserts fr this magnificent and groundbreaking ‘An absurd ela? think not War and peace, wellness and extreme physical and mental malaise, marrage and divorce, abjet failure and Obmpian succes all thee profound subjets at thelr core depend ‘spon funcioning—or malfintionng—homan relationships Dyads «couple. Little organizations: « 20sable restaurant or 2o.person finance department. Giant organizations .. an my ora Foetne 50 corporation. Natlons on the brink of war and genocide Ener our new Watson and Crick andthe essential element of the organizational DNA: the DNA of effective “crucial confrontations Some renowned management experts have made caters oat of ther bel, “Got the strategy right... and the rest wil ake cave of tae” Others have sid, “Strategy, smatergy i's the core business processes that explain the divergence between winners and losers” And then there ae those tht cluim tht leader selection has no pee in explaining various degrees of organizational effectivenessDoubles there is trath inal the above (ve held various ‘ofthese postions over the years... each passionately) But ‘then again, perhaps all such "magiscial” concepts aimed at ‘explaining diferences in organizational outcomes mise the boat Pothaps the dea of oeganiatonal DNA that makes for soll outcomes is Absent Without Leave, Until now, Ys, I'm that bullish on Crucial Confomtations. Perhaps Because I've seen so many of my own brilian strategies evaporate in the space of minutes—seconds-as I serewed up 8 contention with a peer or key employee Again and agin.) So why dd we have o wait und this moment for this book? Pethaps i's the times. We used to five in a mae toleant ‘word, Buldups to war could lst decades. Smoldering corpo. "ate neectiveness could take eons to bust int flame, Lousy martiagesfestered for yas and then more yer No more. The marketplace is unforgiving, One stike— whether new-product foulap o terrorist with diy bom and you're (we're!) out. This cntinsal organizational fe. ieness—which is, afterall, nothing more than, homan relations effectveness—is of the utmost urgency, fom CIA headquarters to WalMart headquarters Crucia! Confrontations isan orginal and bold leap for ward No doubt ot all But tke all good science, iis bull on ‘rock-solid base of what hs come before, The neat trick here 's imaginatively appving the best of psychological and social porcholoical research over th lst half century to this very articular, precisely dined topic. crucial conftontations — fn topics such as performance and teust—that promote or estoy relational or organizational electiveness ‘The base hypothes is profound, The application of proven "esearch is masterful. The explanations and supporting sores are compeling an lc The trnsation of the reserch and stoves into practical ides and sou advice that canbe imple mented by those of us who have loundered on these paths for decades is noting short f breathtaking Hey, Hf you read only one “manegemen locode Pd inset that be Crucial Confrontations, book. this Tom Peter July 7, 2004 Lenox, MA,Preface: A Note to Our Readers “his book falls on the host af ts cousin Cacia Comersedions Tool for Taking When Stokes Are High. Those who have read this previous offering or heard abou or bought the ation fg ‘res ae sue fo wonder: “What the difreno bewaen a er cial conversation and eri confontaion?" We'e gla you tasked, Both ae high sakes. Both are Ukely to be emotional Ta’ why they're both eri Here the diflarence, The hallmark of crucial conversation is disagreement. Two or mare people have diferent opinions, don't know how to work through tee differences, ges into silenee oF violence, and Kil the fie flow of iss, Disegrce- mens, pel hand, ead 10 poor decisions, trained relation hips id eventually to dsastrous esl, Crucial confrontations, on the oer hand, ar about lap poinmeus. They're made up of failed promises, mised expec tions, an ll ther bad behavior. Confrontations comprise the ‘very foundation of accountability, Thy all start withthe ques tion: "Why didn you do whit you were supposed to do? And they ony end when a soliton is reached and both partis ro notvated and abe 4 comply. Confrontations ate the prickly ‘complicated, and often frightening performance diseussions that keep you up hts, "Now, here's how the two books relat. This bok draws on the principles found in Cul Comersn—ith an occasional 1nd bre review of those pivotal eonepts. With shat sald, lest. Al ofthe material youl find here i new and stand-alone Pek. ‘up this book, red it, put the ideas ito ation, and yur never vl sway from anater cont againAcknowledgments We acknowledge with enormous grade these finds, col: leagues, mentors, an loved ens: First, to cur colleagues at VialSmars, cur sincere thanks for dedication, competence, passion, and fendship, Thanks to James Aled, Lauren Baum, Mike Catt Sand Carer, Ammon (Chesney, Mary Dendego, Bob Foote, janet Gaugh, Rebecca avs Roice Kroes, Sarah Natland, Kyle Mocsmana, Ban Niekon, Micha oor, James Rus, Phi Simkin, ae tae, Mindy Wait, Bret Walker, Yon Wang, Stee Wilis, Mike Wik and Mark Wotiaden Anu! thankyou, David MaxSel, our esteemed ole, whose rescarch, exports, in ably to each ave een invaluable Also to ou associate friends and tenes around the wor who work skilfully to improve lives and organizations, out ds and thanks, Special chanks to Wak Apacy, Pat Banks, Jon Bourke, Dan Bran, Mike Cook, Amy Da-Denovan, Rod Dean Duncan, Doug Fiton, Hayden Hayden, Richa! Le, Simon Lia, Shar Lovo. Marie Mai, Pal McMurray, fim Manon, ‘Scott Mule, Stuy Nokon, Lary Peers, Michael Onin, fim Rowe, Howard Schulz, Lynda Schulz, Kurt Southam, Nal Stake nd Greg Stephens, ‘Thank to our editor and her asoiates—-Naney Hancock avd team have been insigbtul,elleg dal ‘To our edor, Mary Glenn, weleome new the and rend. To cur agent, Michael Broussard, thank for your tere support ‘Thanks to Lynde Lupino ad the McGraw-Hill marketing team for thai ffors, And ne fia, re embracing thanks—t0 fis, al day silsuppotv in somany was... sre to our eschers,nds, end menor who hae encouraged sand taht lao path Introduction One of my problems is that 1 intemalize everything can't express anger; I grow a turtor instead. What's a Crucial Confrontation? And Who Cares¢ When two Stanford researchers pulled upto plywood mil in the fothill of northwestern Washington, they were surprised to see an ambulance parked ot front. The ats gle of he rota 1 day of what ing warning ‘would become several monbs of research The two experts were part fw eum of investigators who Were studying ways to handle mised commitments nd fled promi: {at work, at home, and at pla. For instance, how should you ‘confront a employee whois chronically late, a colleague who hal mouths you behind your bac, or your tsnage daughter who just announced that she gong to the senior prom with uy you suspect is Satan's grandee?RS pamine fw lad pel hale mised comm uncover and teach th me poblee, er et pot or coverages etn He vee the mo expert he ad doce ‘had boen beaten up... by a supervisor. peed "Funny you should ask,” h ‘ we're here to study, eT wt “Tals whole situation is a bit embar = rar Punched the flow, and now he nesses A? Let's took at anothe the {tne a ely patent. of xine ane ae tors were discussing a treatment that dd’ involve ani, ‘Sarah would keep her mouth shut, heen stopped deed in their risks and ooked a hor as if she were a eckroch ona wedding ct, He colleges stared in horror. In fe polgnsnt moment that was forever burned int her psyehe the rules had been mide clear to Sarah: Don't disagree with a plynieian-—ever Now sly two decades and hundreds of con Firming incidents ae, she stands by Wondering: Will she doctors do what 1 belive they should do, or wil they come to dhe same oncusion 0 late? She does’? wonder if she shoul speak up rah'sexpcttons werent mt, nd she then resort lence, HOW 00 YOU HANDLE PROBLEMS? ‘Athough Leo and Sarah workin completly diferent jos, they faced the same issue; What do you do when other people sre doing what they'e supposed tbe doing? How do you dea with broken promises, violated expectations, and good fashioned bad behavior? Tn Leos case the inaction had boen steaighforwars A machine operator repeatedly fied to follow a routine quality frocess. Leo pointed out the problem, one word edo another, Ed now the ay was on his wy the hospital. ara ease was ‘more ambiguous. Two physieans were aboot to do something ot merely ielectve but ft.ot wrong, or s0 she thought. She teas comply certain, but she was prety ceriain. And if she ves ight, the pallet might de, How shoud she conan the two pyscans? And once se dd, where could she find anew job? Leo and Serb arent alone Ia thee turmol For instance how would you typlly handle the following? ‘+ An employee speaks 0 you in an insulting fone that exoses the line between sarcasm and insubordination, Now what? + Your boss just committed you 19 a deadline you know you cant meet—and not-so-ubly hited he doesnt want to hear complains abou it+ Your son was threagh the door spoting clr new body art that rises you blood pressure by forty points, ‘+ An accountant wonders how step upto lent who i vio Ting het *+ Family members rt over how to ell grandad that he needs (0 lve upto his promise of wo longer diving his eo: ‘We all Tae crucial confrontations. We st clear expect tions, but the ther person does live up othem—we fel