These individual quotes were reportedly taken

from actual employee performance evaluations

in a large US Corporation.
*******
(1) Since my last report, this employee has
reached rock bottom..and has started to dig.
(2) His men would follow him anywherebut
only out of morbid curiosity.
(3) I would not allow this employee to breed.
(4) This employee is really not so much of a hasbeen, but more of a definite wont be.
(5) Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap.
(6) When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is
only to change feet.
(7) He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle.
(8) This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
(9) He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.

(10) This employee is depriving a village

somewhere of an idiot.
(11) This employee should go farand the
sooner he starts, the better.
(12) Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing
to hold it all together.
(13) A gross ignoramus 144 times worse than
an ordinary ignoramus.
(14) He certainly takes a long time to make his
pointless.
(15) He doesnt have ulcers, but hes a carrier.
(16) I would like to go hunting with him
sometime.
(17) Hes been working with glue too much.
(18) He would argue with a signpost.
(19) He has a knack for making strangers
immediately.
(20) He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves
the room.
(21) When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

(22) If you see two people talking and one looks

boredhes the other one.
(23) A photographic memory but with the lens
cover glued on.
(24) A prime candidate for natural deselection.
(25) Donated his brain to science before he was
done using it.
(26) Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but
the train isnt coming.
(27) Has two brains: one is lost and the other is
out looking for it.
(28) If he were any more stupid, hed have to be
watered twice a week.
(29) If you give him a penny for his thoughts,
youd get change.
(30) If you stand close enough to him, you can
hear the oceans.
(31) Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000
other sperm to the egg.
(32) One neuron short of a synapse.

(33) Some drink from the fountain of

knowledge; he only gargled.
(34) Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
(35) The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
dead.
The Best Feedback
You have a lot of potential and I am willing to make an
investment in you to develop it.
Who doesnt want to hear that theyll be developed or that they
have potential? This is great!
Your work MATTERS. To the patients, to your peers, and to me!
Thank you.
A little meaning goes a long way.
Your recognition folder is like a novel you are THAT good.
Just awesome!

The Worst Feedback

I came up with a new rating scale for staff performance reviews
YS which stands for You Stink!
Now theres a boss who focuses on strengths!
You should wear heels to work.
A lawsuit waiting to happen.

Thats a fantastic idea! I hope you understand when I present it

as my own.
She wasnt kidding.
I get upset when youre incompetent.
Not sure thats what the professionals mean when they suggest
leading with I statements.
Employment History

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
because I couldn't concentrate.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so

they gave me the axe.

I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I

just didn't have the thyme.

I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on

my net income.

I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up
to it.

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.

I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the
same old grind.

Ten More Funny Quotes From Employee Evaluations

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Then he
fell out of the family tree.
2. A room temperature I.Q. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.
3. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
4. Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. It's hard to believe he beat
out 1,000,000 other sperm.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
10. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but he only gargles.

Funny Quotes from Employee Performance Evaluations

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a
trap.
5. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

8. She sets low personal standards, then consistently
fails to achieve them.
9. This employee should go far --- and the sooner he
starts, the better.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot.

Funny Performance Appraisals Comments

These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

New officer efficiency

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for
the military officers).
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
The dictionary of performance evaluations terms
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for
superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A
coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delagates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

My personal favorite:
"If his IQ dropped another 5 points we could without any legal or moral
impediment start harvesting his organs."

GUIDE TO EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL

How do you rate?
PerformanceFacto
r

Performance Degrees
Far Exceeds
Job
Requirement
s

Exceeds Job
Requirement
s

Meets Job
Requirement
s

Needs Some
Improvemen
t

Does Not
Meet
Minimum
Job
Requirement
s

QUALITY

Leaps tall
buildings with a
single bound

Must take a
running start to
leap over tall
buildings

Can leap over

short buildings
only

Crashes into
buildings when
attempting to
jump over
them
Would you
believe a slow
bullet?

Cannot
recognize
buildings at all

TIMELINESS

Is faster than a
speeding bullet

Is as fast as a
speeding bullet

Not quite as
fast as a
speeding bullet

INITIATIVE

Is stronger than
a locomotive

Is stronger than
a bull elephant

Is stronger than
a bull

Shoots the bull

ABILITY

Walks on water
consistently

Walks on water
in emergencies

Washes with
water

Drinks water

Passes water in
emergencies

COMMUNICATION

Talks with God

Talks with the

angels

Talks to himself

Argues with
himself

Loses those
arguments

Wounds self
with bullets
when attempts
to fire
Smells like a
bull

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
One I do believe, though, was supposedly "This officer becomes confused
when issuing contradictory orders."
Here are some pre OJAR excerpts from the RN Form S206 doing the rounds...
"This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts the better"
"This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be"
"This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my
officers to carry him from bar to bar"
"He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there"
"He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction"
"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle"
"Technically sound, but socially impossible"
"This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope- always spinning around at a frantic
pace, but not really going anywhere"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has
aged considerably"
"The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
Between the lines Meaning:
"This knucklehead will never set foot up forward. He lacks real life skills and is unable to
apply common sense to even simple problems. He has the personality of a 3-week old
baked potato and should only serve with other nuclear trained personnel."

Subject:Office Memo on Swearing

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

Cool TRY SAYING: That's interesting

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

1Cool TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a d___k.

Thank You, Human Resources

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"
"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN......Cops have nothing to go on."
"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times

the memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

Ten Amusing Reasons Why English is Difficult

1. We polish the Polish furniture.
2. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
3. A farm can produce produce.
4. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
5. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
6. The present is a good time to present the present.
7. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
8. The dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance for the invalid was invalid.