The Thesmophoriasuzae

(The Festival of Women)

Mnesilochus:
In what way distinct huh, wise man?

Setting: As the curtain opens, loud festive music is heard all

over the place wherein women are dancing as a sign of the
upcoming festival. To the left is the Temple of Demeter and
Persephone adorned graciously. At the center is the open
ground outside the temple where some of the activities are
being held with a podium placed at the middle. On the left is
the place where Agathon dwells which in the middle part of the
story serves as the common place where Euripides will stay.

Scene 1.
(The music stops playing and the dancing women will exit. To
the left, some women can be seen at the temple preparing
something.)
Narrator:
Before the celebration of Thesmophoria, a festival
being held to honor the great goddess Demeter, the
women of Athens planned to assembled and summoned
for the appearance for trial and judgement of Euripides
noted as a notorious woman hater and detractor of female
sex. Upon knowing what the women of Athens planned
against him, without wasting even a single second, he
went to his father-in-law to seek help and save himself
from the hands of the angered femme
Scene 2
(Two men Euripides and his father-in-law Mnesilochus will
enter the stage with the latter who is babbling into something
while the former is walking back and forth as if having a doubt
of going at the center and waiting something.)
Mnesilochus: (Looking at Euripides, follow Euripides while
walking back and forth then suddenly stop, sit down, pissed off
by what Euripides is doing.)
Hey..hey..hey! I know that what goes around comes
back around but could you please stop for a moment, sit down,
take a deep breath and tell me, why all of a sudden as early as
this you will barged in into my house, annoyingly tell me to get
up while saying (mocking Euripides) Today, the women at the
festival are going to kill me for insulting them! What the hell
does that mean? And before I lose my sanity, huh, Euripides,
will you at least tell me where are you leading me?
Euripides: (Stop, look at Mnesilochus)
To what you need to hear and what you are going to
see later on. (Continue walking back and forth)
Mnesilochus: (Wondering)
Wait.. wait.. wait.. what is that? Argh! No need for me
to hear just.. just.. spill it out!
Euripides: (Stop again, look at Mnesilochus)
If its not what you need to hear then, to what you are
going to see. (Looking everywhere as if searching)
Mnesilochus: (Sarcastic)
Ha-ha-ha. Not consequently
Euripides!

to

see.

Cmmon

Euripides: (Sit down)

Then again its something you need to hear.
Mnesilochus:
What are these nonsense things that youre telling
me? HOLA! I must neither see nor hear, thats what my instinct
tells me.
Euripides:
Ahhhhhhhh. Well let me tell your instinct that you
have two things there that are essentially distinct.. you know
somewhat related.. such like that.
Mnesilochus:
Seeing and hearing???
Euripides: (Slow clap)
Undoubtedly. Tsk. Thats so smart of you.

Euripides:
In this way. Formerly, when ether separated the
elements and bore the animals that were moving in her bosom,
she wished to endow them with sight, and so made the eye
round like the suns disc and bored ears in the form of a funnel.
MNESILOCHUS: (As if going to cry)
And because of this funnel I neither see nor hear. Ah!
Great Gods! I am really delighted to know such things! Thank
you.. yah, Im really thankful. Actually a lot.(Taps Euripides
back)
EURIPIDES: (Put hands on both sides of Mnesilochus
shoulders)
Dont you worry; I have a lot to teach you. A LOT.
MNESILOCHUS: (Removes the hands of Mnesilochus.)
Oh well. Then I think I have to find out first how to
grow.. you know, lame so that I need NOT have to follow you at
all.
Euripides:
Naaaaaah.. so much talking. Come, hear.
Mnesilochus:
Well, Im just here since then and waiting.
Euripides:
Tssss. Do you see that little door?
Mnesilochus:
Which door?
Euripides:
That one!.. yah, yah, that one, over there.
(Stop. Stare at Mnesilochus.)
Hey! Thats the only door there?
Mnesilochus:
Am I blind Euripides?
Euripides:
No???
Mnesilochus:
Precisely! Then why do you have to ask if I see that
little door if in the first place I am not blind and that is the only
door that we could see? Well.. yeah, certainly I see that little
door and ---Euripides: (Warns Mnesilochus to be silent)
Shhhhhhhh. Silence!
Mneesilochus:
Silence about what? About the door? Why do I have
to be silent about the door?
Euripides:
Shhhhhhhh. Just pay attention!
Mnesilochus:
Huh? First you told me to be silent about the door
then all of a sudden you want me to pay attention to the door..
What a lucky door! Very well.
Euripides:
That door is where Agathon, the celebrated tragic
poet dwells.
Mnesilochus:
And who is this Agathon?
Euripides:
You dont know Agathon???
Mnesilochus:
The swarthy, robust of build
Euripides:
No.. no.. no..! Another. You have never seen him?

Mnesilochus:
My dear son-in-law. If I saw Agathon before, therefore
I knew him. Am I right?
Euripides:
Yes you are.
Mnesilochus:
But then I ask who is Agathon.. so.. that means..
Euripides:
You dont know him in the first place.
Mnesilochus:
Certainly! And if I never know him, then theres no
chance that I have seen him consciously, right?
Euripides:
Definitely!
Mnesilochus: (Sarcastic)
Ha-ha-ha. So why are you still asking if I never saw
him before if I already stated that I dont know him as early as
sunshine?
Euripides: (Scratching his head)
Yah.. youre right, but hey! Its you who give your
(mocking Mnesilochus early descriptions) the swarty.. Robust
in build descriptions about him when I asked you if you knew
him. Ah! Let us step aside: here is one of Agathons slave
bringing something.. you see?
Mnesilochus:
Of course. Just to remind you, I have my pair of eyes
with me and theres no chance that I left those at home.

(Euripides will immediately cover Mnesilochus mouth and push

him to sit down for them to hide)
Servant of Agathon: (Look around but sees no one, then
continue.)
. ... is going to construct the framework of a drama.
He is rounding fresh poetical forms, he is polishing them in the
lathe and is welding them; he is hammering out sentences and
metaphors; he is working up his subject like soft wax. First he
models it and then he casts it in bronze
Mnesilochus: (Stand up, turn around and sway his buttocks)
... and sways his buttocks amorously.
(Euripides will stand up and put his hand on his face with so
much dismay.)
Servant of Agathon: (Stop what he is doing and said angrily
and slowly)
Who is the rustic who approaches this sacred
enclosure?
Mnesilochus: (Show up with pride.)
Take care of yourself and of your sweet-voiced poet! I
have a strong instrument here both well rounded and well
polished, which will pierce your enclosure and penetrate your
bottom. (Point his genital organ.)
Servant of Agathon: (Say with disbelief)
Old man, you must have been a very proud fellow in
your youth!
Euripides:
Naaaaah Dont mind him. I went here for Agathon.
So just let him be, quick and call Agathon for me.
Servant of Agathon:
Well. That wont cause trouble since Agathon will be
here any minute. (Look at Mnesilochus then leave.)

Scene 3.
(Servant of Agathon comes bringing branches. The two men
will go at the corner silently so they will not catch the attention
of the servant. Meanwhile, the muses came and gathered
around the servant. Buzzing..)
Servant of Agathon:
Silence! oh, people! keep your mouths sedately shut!
The chorus of the Muses is moulding songs at my master's
hearth. Let the winds hold their breath in the silent Ether! Let
the azure waves cease murmuring on the shore!...
Mnesilochus: (Imitating the movement of the winds and
waves)
Broooooooooombroooooooooo.Wshhhhhhh
Euripides: (Euripides signalled Mnesilochus to be silent)
Keep quiet! What are you saying there..
Servant of Agathon:
... Take your rest, your winged races, and you, your
savage inhabitants of the woods, cease from your erratic
wandering ...
Mnesilochus: (Imitating the movement of the winds and
waves)
Broooooooooombroooooooooo.Wshhhhhh

Mnesilochus:
And what am I going to do?
Euripides:
Wait till he comes.... Oh, Zeus! What has you in store
for me today?
Mnesilochus:
. But great Gods.. What is the matter then? What are
you grammbling and groaning for? Tell me. You mus not hide
anything to your father in law.
Euripides: (Look at Mnesilochus deeply, sit down and took a
deep breath.)
Today, the women will decide whether it is all over
with Euripides (points to himself) or not. What makes me
tremble is that, I knew that they already plotted my ruin, and
they are to gather at the temple of Demeter to execute their
decision.
Mnesilochus: (Sit beside Euripides)
At what cause that they are going to do that? Why are
they against you? What have you done?
Euripides: (Look down)
Its because I mishandle them in my tragedies. I.. I
dont know. They found those offensives.

(Euripides will signalled Mnesilochus to be quiet)

Servant of Agathon:
... for Agathon, our master, the sweet-voiced poet, is
going ...
Mnesilochus:
Proclaim???
Servant of Agathon:
Whose voice is that?
Mnesilochus:
The silent Ether..

Mnesilochus:
By Poseidon, it seems like you really deserved your
fate. (Euripides looks at him with disappointment.) What? I just
stated the obvious? So, how are you going to get out of this
mess?
Euripides:
Thats a very good question of yours. (Stand up) I am
going to beg Agathon, the tragic poet to go to Thesmophoria.
Mnesilochus:
And what is this Agathon will be doing to the womens
arena?

Euripides: (Look side by side then speak softly.)

Shhhh. This is my plan. He would mingle with the
women, and stand up for me if needed.
Mnesilochus:
Would he be openly present himself or secretly?
Euripides:
Secretly of coarse.. Dressed in womans clothes.
Mnesilochus:
Woaaaah! Thats a clever notion! (Slow clap) The
prize for trickery is ours.
Euripides:
Silence! Shhhhh
Mnesilochus:
Silence again? Whats the matter?
Euripides:
Here comes Agathon.
(Agathon will be seen going out from where he dwells dressed
neatly and being carried by his servants. The crowd positioned
themselves as they recognized the presence of Agathon.)
Mnesilochus:
Where, where???
Euripides:
That man that they are bringing out. (Pointing
Agathon)
Mnesilochus: (Looks at Agathon then to Euripides then to
Agathon again.)
Naaaaaaa! You must be kidding me? A while ago, Im
sure I have my pair of eyes on me, but know, I have my doubt.
I dont see a man, I only see a beautiful Cyrene!

Mnesilochus: (Speak loudly.)

Oh! Beloved God of all Gods, my ears heard the
sweetest voice above; whos every words bring shiver to my
spine down on my rectum where I feel a thrill of delight. Now,
tell me, tell me young man whoever you are. Are you a woman
in the body of a man? What contradictions your life shows?
What relation has a mirror to a sword? And you yourself, who
are you? Do you pretend to be a man? Where the sign of your
manhood, your penis, is pray? Where is the cloak, the footgear
that belongs to that sex? Are you a woman? Then where are
your breasts? Answer me. But you keep silent. Oh! just as you
choose; your songs display your character quite sufficiently.
Agathon:
Old man, what I heard is a piece of envy.. a poison of
jealousy. My dress is in harmony of thoughts thus, a poet must
be in his characters. If I were to display women on stage, then I
must adopt their habits as well.
Mnesilochus:
Woahhh! So you have to act like a beast if you are
writing about beasts? And you have to die in order to write
something about death. And oh, when you write about heroes,
then you have to act like one riding on his high horse? Is that
so?
Agathon:
.If the heroes are men, everything in him will be
manly. What we dont possess by nature, we must acquire by
imitation.
Mnesilochus:
Ah! Ladies and gentlemen! so it is for this reason that
Philocles, who is so hideous, writes hideous pieces; Xenocles,
who is malicious, malicious ones, and Theognis, who is cold,
such cold ones?
Agathon:
Yes, necessarily and unavoidably. And since I knew
about this, I have cared so much for my character as a person.

Euripides:
Be still! He is going to sing.

Mnesilochus:
Ahhh. So------

(The two men will be silent waiting for what will happen.)

Euripides: (Interrupts Mnesilochus)

Come, leave off badgering him. Well Agathon, I went
here since Im up to something. So please here me for my
reason that brings me here.

Agathon: (At the center)

Damsels, with the sacred torch in hand, unite your
dance to shouts of joy in honour of the nether goddesses;
celebrate the freedom of your country.
CHORUS:
To what divinity is your homage addressed? I wish to
mingle mine with it.
Agathon:
Oh! Muse! glorify Phoebus with his golden bow, who
erected the walls of the city of the Simois.
CHORUS:
To thee, oh Phoebus, I dedicate my most beauteous
songs; to thee, the sacred victor in the poetical contests.
Agathon:
And praise Artemis too, the maiden huntress, who
wanders on the mountains and through the woods....
CHORUS:
I, in my turn, celebrate the everlasting happiness of
the chaste Artemis, the mighty daughter of Latona!
Agathon:
and Latona and the tones of the Asiatic lyre, which
wed so well with the dances of the Phyrgian Graces.
CHORUS:
I do honour to the divine Latona and to the lyre, the
mother of songs of male and noble strains. The eyes of the
goddess sparkle while listening to our enthusiastic chants.

Agathon:
Spill it out.
Euripides:
The women propose of killing me to-day during the
Thesmophoria, because I have dared to speak ill of them.
Agathon:
And what can I do for you in the matter?
Euripides:
Oh! Everything! Mingle secretly with them by making
yourself pass as one of them, I mean as one of those angered
women: then you plead my cause with your own lips, then
presto! I am saved by you; you and you alone are capable of
speaking of me and speaking for me.
Agathon: (Speak with disbelief)
But.. why not go and defend yourself?
Euripides: (Comes closer to Agathon and put his arms around
his shoulder.)
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Simply because that is impossible. First
of all, I am known. And I know that once they saw me, maybe I
will no longer have the opportunity to talk. Further, I have white
hair and long beard, compared to you who are good looking,
close shaven, fair, delicate and have a womans voice!
Agathon: (Looks at Euripides with shock and will be taken
aback.)
Euripides! Have you not said in one of your pieces,
You love to see the light, and don't you believe your father
loves it too?"

Euripides:
Yes.
Mnesilochus:
Whats the connection?

To the temple! I am going to do what has to be done!

Euripides:
But you will get laughed at, with your face halfshaven like that.

Agathon: (Walks slowly as if reminiscing)

Then, dont you think that if I am going to expose
myself in your place that would be insanity!
This is for you to submit yourself on the fate that overtakes
you. One must not trick misfortune rather; one must face it and
accept it with good grace.

Mnesilochus:
Then I dont care.

Mnesilochus: (Walks towards Agathon, face to face)

Ahhhhhh. So, what you are telling now is (Run to
the left, acts as if a woman, with the voice of a woman)
Euripides! You have to die for writing awful things about us!
(Run to the right, acts like Euripides, trembling with fear as if
crying with open arms, kneeling) Ahhhhhh, Great Gods, just
because I write for the sake of the beauty of minds that women
found awful because I wrote what is real, I should die because
they want me to die. (Stand up, walks towards Agathon face
to face.) Is that so?? Huh?

Mnesilochus: (Put his hands on his face)

Oh! by the gods! (Resumes his seat.) Mu, mu..

Agathon:
Old man, dont you think I am going to run more risk
than he would? As if I am going to steal something there and--Mnesilochus: (Cuts off Agathon)
Steal??? Steal what? Argh! Oh zeus! What a fine
excuse indeed!
Agathon:
Dont count upon it. I wont do it.

Euripides:
In the gods' names, don't leave me like this.. Come
here.

Euripides:
Well! why, mu, mu? There! Its done and well done
too!
Mnesilochus
Ah! great god! It makes me feel quite light.
Euripides:
Don't worry yourself; you look charming. Look
yourself in the mirror, here.. Do you see yourself?
Mnesilochus:
But this is not I, it is Clisthenes!
Euripides:
See? Now, stand up; I am now going to remove your
hair. Bend down.

Euripides: (Down on his knees, face down on the floor)

Oh no! Im dead! Unfortunate indeed. I am done!

Mnesilochus:
Alas! alas! Please be careful.. Oh, my precious hair..
down there..! Wait, slowly.. ah little bit more, no fast! Fast!
Thatss it! Take it slow again.. ahhhhhh. Thats it.

Mnesilochus: (Runs to Euripides, holds his face)

Euripides, my son, my friend. No need to feel
troubled. Send him to devil (Looks at Agathon) and do with me
as you like.

Euripides:
Woah.. see? the worst is over.

Euripides: (Suddenly stand up with so much joy)

Really! Oh well! Very well! Since you devote yourself
for my safety, then first, take off your cloak.
Mnesilochus: (Looks at Euripides, then to his cloak, then to
Euripides, then remove his cloak with a sigh.) There, it lies on
the ground. But, what do you want to do with me huh?
Euripides:
To shave off this beard of yours, and to remove your
hair below as well.
Mnesilochus:
Do what you think fit; I trust myself entirely to you.

Mnesilochus: (Looks at his organ, and smile)

Ah! Its beautiful as always. Come .. see..
Euripides:
Not necessary. Pshhh.
Mnesilochus:
Is this mine? (Get some of his pubic hair) Why this
long and a little bit curly. Oh look..(Offer to Euripides) some are
straight too.
Euripides:
(Looks disgusted) Nahhhh! Put that down! Agathon,
you refuse to devote yourself to helping me; but at any rate
lend me a tunic and a belt. You cannot say you dont have
them.

Euripides:
If thats so.. Agathon, you have always razors about
you; lend me one.

Agathon:
Take them and use them as you like; I consent.

Agathon:
Take it yourself, there, out of that case.

Mnesilochus:
What must be taken?

Euripides: (Took the razor)

Thanks. Sit down and puff out the right cheek.

Euripides: (Get the clothes)

What must be taken?
Mnesilochus:
Hmmmmm. By Aphrodite! what a sweet odor! How
come its the scent of a man with a genital like mine? Hand it
me quickly. And the belt?

Mnesilochus:
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Euripides:
What are you shouting for? Dont move!

Euripides:
Here it is. Agathon, he needs sleepers.

Mnesilochus:
Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! (He springs up and starts
running away.)

Euripides:
He wants slippers.

Euripides:
Where are you running to now?

Agathon:
Here are mine.

Mnesilochus:

Mnesilochus:

Will they fit me? You like a loose fit.

Agathon:
Just try them on instead of talking a lot. Argh! Now
that you have all you need, let me be taken inside.
Euripides:
You look for all the world like a woman.(Mnesilochus
will ramp like a model) But when you talk, take good care to
give your voice a woman's tone.
Mnesilochus:
I'll try my best.
Euripides: (Push Mnesilochus)
Come, go.. get yourself to the temple.
Mnesilochus:
No, by Apollo, not unless you swear to me ...
Euripides:
Swear what???
Mnesilochus:
that, if anything untoward happens to me, you will
leave nothing undone to save me. You will do everything.
EVERYTHING.
Euripides:
Very well! I swear it by the Ether, the dwelling-place
of the king of the gods.
Mnesilochus: (Leaves but goes back)
Wait.. Why not rather swear it by the disciples of
Hippocrates? Why only to Ether?
Euripides: (Sigh)
Fine. Come, I swear it by all the gods, both great and
small.
Mnesilochus:
Remember, its the heart, and not the tongue, that
has sworn; for the oaths of the tongue concern me but little.
Euripides:
Got it. Now go and hurry yourself! The signal for the
meeting has just been displayed on the Temple of Demeter!
Scene 4
(Entrance of the dancing women with curtains as their
background. As the curtain drops, women are seen inside the
temple, talking with one another. Mnesilochus will seen outside
the temple, hesitant of going inside the temple, walks at the
corner and started to pray.)
Mnesilochus:
God of all Gods, Ah! Beauty of Thesmophorae,
bestow me with your protection within the temple and my way
back home. Mighty divinity, oh Demeter, grant that I may offer
you lot of sacrifices and above all that I may not be recognized.
(Will stand up but kneel again) Oh, well before I forgot. I also
wish that my daughter will marry a very rich man that is too silly
and foolish who will do anything and give everything to her.
(Mnesilochus will enter the temple and sits with the women.)

Athens and reveal them secretly to their husbands, someone

who abused us by the strength of his lies, pray to the Gods that
they may grant us the favours that we deserved.
CHORUS:
Let us ask the fulfilment of these wishes both for the
city and for the people, and may the wisest of us cause her
opinion to be accepted. But regrets to those women who break
their oaths and reveal our secrets. We declare them traitor and
criminal. Oh! Almighty Zeus, see to it that Gods protect us.
Herald:
Hear, all of you! this is the decree passed by the
Senate of the Women under the presidency of Timoclea and at
the suggestion of Sostrata; it is signed by Lysilla, the secretary:
"There will be a gathering of the people on the morning of the
third day of the Thesmophoria, which is a day of rest for us; the
principal business there shall be the punishment that it is meet
to inflict upon Euripides for the insults with which he has
loaded us. Now, who asks to speak?
(Commotion)
First Woman: (Stand up with pride.)
I do.
Herald:
First, put on this garland, and then speak. Silence! Let
all be quiet! Pay attention! For here she is standing as orators
generally do before they begin; no doubt she has much to say.
(Sit down)
First Woman:
If I have asked to speak, may the goddesses bear
me witness, it was not for sake of exposure. But I have long
been pained to see us women insulted by this Euripides, who
loads us with every kind of indignity. Has he not hit us enough,
calumniated us sufficiently, wherever there are spectators,
tragedians, and a chorus? Does he not style us gay, lecherous,
drunken, traitorous, boastful? Does he not repeat that we are
all vice, that we are the curse of our husbands? So that,
directly they come back from the theatre, they look at us
doubtfully and go searching every nook, fearing there may be
some hidden lover. And wait, is a woman weaving garlands just
for herself? Hey! She did that because she is in love. And our
husbands think that we did that to adorn ourselves and attract
lovers. Before, old men married young girls, but since
Euripides told in one of his extra ordinary verse that Young
ladies are the tyrant of old man who marry them.
Second Woman: (Stand up with so much anger)
Forgive me for standing without waiting my turn! But I
just cant control my anger! Again, it is because of Euripides
that we are keenly watched, that we are like shut up behind
bolts and bars. Let that pass; but formerly it was we who had
the care of the food, who fetched the flour from the storeroom,
the oil and the wine; but we can do it no more. Our husbands
are full of malice in our every action as if any minute we do
what they watched from that stupid theatrical works of that..
that.. Ughhhh! I cant even describe him! My opinion, therefore,
is that we should rid ourselves of our enemy by poison or by
any other means, provided he dies. That is what I announce
publicly; as to certain points, which I wish to keep secret, I
propose to record them on the secretary's minutes.
Herald:

Herald: (Walks in front, look at everyone who are still talking

with one another.)
Silence! Silence everyone. Pray to Tesmophorae
Demeter and other Gods that all may happen for the best of
this gathering both for the greatest advantage of Athens ad our
happiness.

. Never have we listened to cleverer or more eloquent

women. Everything they say are true; they have examined the
matter from all sides and has weighed up every detail. Their
arguments are close, varied, and happily chosen. We believe
that Xenocles himself, the son of Carcinus, would seem to talk
mere nonsense, if placed beside them.

CHORUS:
May the Gods hear and accept our vows and prayers.
Let us unite our voices so wisdom preside at the gathering of
the noble matrons of Athens.

Third Woman:
I have only a very few words to add, for the two
speakers have covered the various points of the indictment;
allow me only to tell you what happened to me. My husband
died at Cyprus, leaving me five children, whom I had great
trouble to bring up by weaving chaplets on the myrtle market.
Anyhow, I lived as well as I could until this wretch had
persuaded the spectators by his tragedies that there were no
gods; since then I have not sold as many chaplets by half. I
charge you therefore and exhort you all to punish him, for does

Herald:
Address your prayers to the gods and goddesses of
Olympus and all other places; if there be a man who is plotting
against the women folk or who, to injure them, is proposing
peace to Euripides, a man who throws intrigues to the wives of

he not deserve it in a thousand respects, he who loads you

with troubles, who is as coarse toward you as the green-stuff
upon which his mother reared him? But I must back to the
market to weave my chaplets; I have twenty to deliver yet.

(The two will exchange blows. And others will come to stop
them)

Herald:

Herald:

This is even more animated and more trenchant than

the first speeches; all she has just said is full of good sense
and to the point; it is clever, clear and well calculated to
convince. Yes! We must have striking vengeance on the insults
of Euripides!

Stop that! I said.. Stop that! I see a woman running

here in hot haste. Be silent so that we ay hear what she has to
say.

Mnesilochus: (Stand up and without any hesitation made his

way on front)
Oh, women! I am not astonished at these outbursts of
fiery rage; As for myself, I hate the man, I swear it by my
children; it would be madness not to hate him! Yet, let us reflect
a little, Common. We are alone and our words will not be
repeated outside. Why are we feeling like that? Because he
has known and shown up two or three of our faults, when we
have a thousand? As for myself, I have more than one great
sin upon my conscience, but this is the blackest of them. I had
been married three days and my husband was asleep by my
side; I had a lover, who had seduced me when I was seven
years old; impelled by his passion, he came scratching at the
door; I understood at once he was there and was going down
noiselessly. "Where are you going?" asked my husband. So I
made lies and met my lover outside. Well now! Consider that is
a thing of which Euripides has never spoken. And when we
share the bed with our slaves or muleteers for pleasure since
our husband is not around and eat garlic early in the morning
so he will not suspect us, did Euripides has breathed a word
about it? I know another, who for ten whole days pretended to
be suffering the pains of labour until she had secured a child;
the husband hurried in all directions to buy drugs for her
deliverance, and meanwhile an old woman brought the infant
then the woman told his husband that this is your son! Are
these not our everyday tricks? Why certainly that we are angry
with Euripides?
Fourth Woman:
Great gods! Where has she unearthed all that? What
country gave birth to such an audacious woman? Oh! You
wretch! I should not have thought ever that one of us could
have spoken in public with such impudence! Run and fetch
coals and let's depilate her cunt in proper style, to teach her
not to speak ill of her sex.
Mnesilochus:
Woah!!!! Oh! no! have mercy, friends. Have we not the
right to speak frankly at this gathering? And because I have
uttered what I thought right in favour of Euripides, do you want
to depilate me for my trouble?
Fourth Woman:
What! We ought not to punish you, who alone have
dared to defend the man who has done us so much harm?
Mnesilochus:
Realy? Oh, wait! I have not said all that I know. Do
you want to hear more? And how we give meats to our lovers
at the feast and then accuse the cat
All:
Cut it out!
Mnesilochus:
Have I mentioned the woman who killed her husband
and who buried his father under the bath?
All:
Die! You bitch!
Mnesilochus:
Have I ever mentioned how you exchange your little
baby girl with the new born baby boy of your slave?
Fourth Woman: (Come closer to Mnesilochus)
This insult calls for vengeance. Look out for your hair!
Mnesilochus:

Ah.. no..no.. put your hands off me! Dont touch me!

Clisthenes: (Catching her breath)

Friends, whom I copy in all things, my hairless chin
sufficiently evidences how dear you are to me; I am womenmad and make myself their champion wherever I am. Just now
on the market-place I heard mention of a thing that is of the
greatest importance to you; I come to tell it you, to let you know
it, so that you may watch carefully and be on your guard
against the danger which threatens you.
Herald:
What is it, my child?
Clisthenes:
It is said that Euripides has sent an old man here
today..
Herald:
With what object? What is his purpose?
Clisthenes:
... so that he may hear your speeches and inform him
of your deliberations and intentions.

Fifth woman:
But how would a man fail to be recognized amongst
women?
Clisthenes:
Euripides disguised him as a woman.
Mnesilochus:
This is pure invention! What man is fool enough to let
him be disguised as a woman? As for myself, I don't believe a
word of it.
Clisthenes:
I will not come here if I am not sure about it. Let us
not lose a moment; let us search everywhere! Where can this
man have hidden himself escape our notice? Let us see. To
begin with you; who are you? (To the sixth woman.)
Mnesilochus: (step aside)
Clisthenes:
Remember, each and every one must pass the
scrutiny.
Mnesilochus: (aside)
Oh! great gods!
Fifth Woman:
You ask me who I am? I am the wife of Cleonymus.
Clisthenes:
Do you know this woman?
All:
Yes, yes, pass on to the rest.
Clisthenes:
And she who carries the child?
Mnesilochus: (aside).
I'm a dead man. (He runs off.)
Clisthenes: (to Mnesilochus)
Hey! You there! Where are you off to? Stop there.
What are you running away for?

Mnesilochus:

I want to relieve myself. Im feeling unwell, maybe

because of the food I ate last night. Ouch!

Watch him closely, so that he does not escape. As for

me, I go to report the matter to the magistrates, the Prytanes.

Clisthenes:
What are you chattering about the food you ate last
night?? Come here and be quick. Tell me, who is your
husband?

Sixth Woman:
Where is he flying to? Stop him! Stop him! Ah!
Miserable woman that I am, he has torn my child from my
breast and has disappeared with it.

Mnesilochus:
My husband? Ahm..do you know a certain individual
at Cothocidae..

Mnesilochus:
Scream as loud as you will, but she shall never suck
your bosom more. If you do not let me go this very instant, I am
going to cut open the veins of his thighs with this cutlass and
his blood shall flow over the altar.
Sixth Woman:
Oh! I will burn you! I swear to all Gods I will burn you
alive! You will be a mere charcoal! Hurry! All of you! Seek for
help!

Clisthenes:
Whom do you mean? Give his name.
Mnesilochus:
.. an individual to whom the son of a certain individual
one day....
Clisthenes:
Uh-oh.. Have you ever been here before?
Mnesilochus:
Why certainly, every year.
Fifth Woman:
Withdraw, all of you; I am going to examine her
thoroughly about last year's mysteries. But move away,
Clisthenes, for no man may hear what is going to be said. Now
answer my questions! What was done first?
Mnesilochus:
We drank??? Ah, I mean.We drank, yes we drank!
Fifth Woman:
And then?
Mnesilochus:
We drank to our healths.
Fifth Woman:
You might have heard that to someone. And then?
Mnesilochus:
Xenylla felieved herself in a cup for there was no
other vessel.
Fifth Woman:
Here, Clisthenes, here! This is the man of whom you
spoke. Take off his clothes; I can get nothing out of him.

(Everybody will leave. Only Mnesilochus and the eight woman

will be seen on stage.)
Mnesilochus:
Then do it! Then I will burn with your precious child!
Grill away, roast me, but you, my child, blame no one but your
mother for your death. But what does this mean? The little girl
is nothing but a skin filled with wine and shod with Persian
slippers. Oh! You wanton, you tippling woman, who think of
nothing but wine! (Seems to think a bright idea )Ehem.. ehem..
may I ask, are you the mother of this bratt?
Sixth Woman:
I carried it for ten months. Ten long months in my
womb!
Mnesilochus:
Ten months? In your womb? You carried it? (Face on
the other direction and whisper crazy)
Sixth Woman:
Yes. I swear to----- Oh! Oh! (Hysterical) My baby! You
have stripped the poor child quite naked, and it is so small, so
small. Alas! I will burn you! We will burn you!
Mnesilochus: (Evil Smile)
Oh well.. Burn me, but then I shall rip this open
instantly.
Sixth Woman:
No, no, I adjure you, don't; do anything you like to me rather
than that.

Mnesilochus:
What! Are you going to strip a mother of nine children
naked?

Mnesilochus:
Wwwwwww What a tender mother you are; but
nevertheless I shall rip it open. (Tears open the wine-skin.)

Fourth Woman:
Ah! what a sturdy frame! but she has no breasts like
we have.

Sixth Woman: (Runs near her so called child while Euripides

step aside) Oh, my beloved daughter! Mania, hand me the
sacred cup, that I may at least catch the blood of my child.

Mnesilochus:
That's because I'm barren. I never had any children.

Mnesilochus:
Oh no.. How am I going to secure my safety now!
what device can I hit on? What can I think of? He whose fault it
is, he who hurried me into this trouble, will not come to my
rescue? (Nervous)Theres no oars to write on.. but there are
tablets. But how am I going to send this to Euripides? (Search
everywhere) Ah! (Saw the baskets containing letters and
scrolls) Aha.. . Oh! my hands, keep up your courage, for my
safety is at stake. Come, my beautiful tablets, receive the
traces of my stylus and be the messengers of my sorry fate.
Thats it! (Put the tablet on the basket.. goes on the eight
woman who is still crying while a woman comes to get the
basket.) But since he is not yet here I should do something..
Uhm. Yah! I will imitate Helen!

Fourth Woman:
Oh! indeed! A while ago you are a mother of nine but
now.. just now you are a mother of none!
Clesthenes:
Stand up straight. Hullo! What do I see there? Why, a
penis sticking out behind.
Fourth Woman:
There's no mistaking it; you can see it projecting, and
a fine red it is. Where has it gone to now?
To the front. No. Ah! Its behind now. Ah! The wretch! This is
why he insulted us and defended Euripides.
Mnesilochus:
Ay-aye!, wretch indeed, what troubles have I not got
into now!

Sixth Woman:
What are you ruminating over now again? Why are
you rolling up your eyes? You'll have no reason to be proud of,
if you don't keep quiet until one of the Prytanes arrives.

Mnesilochus: (Imitating Helen)

Clesthenes:

"These shores are those of the Nile with the beautiful

nymphs, these waters take the place of heaven's rain and
fertilize the white earth, that produce black syrmea."
Sixth Woman:
What are you saying?
Mnesilochus:
"I was given the name of Helen."
Sixth Woman:
What! you are again becoming a woman, before we
have punished you for having pretended it a first time!
Mnesilochus:
"And here I am upon these shores; Menelaus, my
unhappy husband, does not yet come. Ah! how life weighs
upon me! Oh! ye cruel crows, who have not devoured my
body! But what sweet hope is this that sets my heart a-throb?
Oh, Zeus! Grant it may not prove a lying one!"
(Mnesilochus will see a man coming and recognized him as
Euripides who is also in disguise as Menelaus.)
Euripides: (as Menelaus)
"To what master does this splendid palace belong?
Will he welcome strangers who have been tried on the billows
of the sea by storm and shipwreck to find my beloved half?
Mnesilochus:
"This is the palace of Proteus."
Sixth Woman:
Oh! Rascal! How he lies! You are impossible! By the
goddesses, Its ten years since Proteas died.
Euripides:
"What is this shore whither the wind has driven our
boat?"
Mnesilochus:
"It's Egypt."
Sixth Woman:
But don't believe that cursed fool. This is Demeter's
Temple.
Euripides:
"Is Proteus in these parts?"
Sixth Woman:
Ah, now, stranger, it must be sea-sickness that makes
you so distraught! You have been told that Proteas is dead,
and yet you ask if he is in these parts.
Euripides:
"He is no more! Oh! Whoa! Where lay his ashes?"

Sixth Woman:
I! Why, my name's Critylla! Not Theonoe!
Mnesilochus:
"Your entreaties are vain. Never shall I wed your
brother; never shall I betray the faith I owe my husband
Menelaus, who is fighting before Troy."
Euripides:
"What are you saying? Turn your face towards me."
Oh! How you resemble Helen!"
Mnesilochus:
And you Menelaus! Ah! How you have delayed
coming to your wife's arms! Press me to your heart, throw your
arms about me, for I wish to cover you with kisses. Carry me
away, carry me away, quick, quick, far, very far from here."
Sixth Woman:
By the Godess, regret to those who would carry you
away! I should trash him with my torch!
Euripides:
Do you propose to prevent me from taking my wife to
Sparta where we belong?
Sixth Woman:
Ahhh. Youre such an insane man too. But the hour
for punishment has come! Here is the magistrate together with
the archer! Youre dead faggot!
Mnesilochus:
You heard that! She calls me a faggot!? Oh no, I am
dead. Here they come.
Euripides:
This grows awkward. Let me hide myself. Be at ease.
I will never abandon you as long as I am breathing.
The prytanis:
Is this the rascal of whom Clisthenes told us? Why
are you trying to make yourself so small? Archer, arrest him,
fasten him to the post, then take up your position there and
keep guard over him. Let none approach him.Do what is
necessary to those who break the order.
Euripides:
Can I have a favour please?
The prytanis:
What favour huh?
Mnesilochus:
Order the archer to remove my robe before lashing
me to the post! Even the crows will laugh at me because of this
robe.

Mnesilochus:
His tomb is where you see me sitting.

The prytanis:
No. People should see you that way so that no one
follows your insanity. Now, ladies.. you can go back to
celebrate.

Sixth Woman:
You call an altar a tomb!

Scythian archer:
You shall stay here in the open air to weil.

Euripides:
"And why remain sitting on this tomb, wrapped in this
long veil, oh, stranger lady?"

Mnesilochus:
Hey.. loosen this rope a little!

Mnesilochus:
"They want to force me to marry a son of Proteus.
Sixth Woman:
Ah! Wretch, why tell such shameful lies? Stranger,
this is a rascal who has slipped in amongst us women to rob us
of our trinkets.
Euripides:
Who isthis woman, stranger lady?"
Mnesilochus:
"'Tis Theonoe, the daughter of Proteus."

Scythian archer:
Aye, certainly.
Mnesilochus: Oh! Awwww! by the gods! why, you are driving
it in tighter.
Scythian archer:
Silence! You cursed old wretch! I am going to get a
mat to lie upon, so as to watch you close at hand at my ease.
Narrator:
Euripides tries his best to get his father in law but sad
to say, all his plans and disguise did not save Mnesilochus
from his fate. Not until he seek the help of some women by
bargaining something.

Euripides:
Women, if you will be reconciled with me, I am willing,
and I undertake an oath never to say anything ill of you in
future.
Those
are
my
proposals
for
peace.
CHORUS: (Commotion, whispering)
Why should we help you?
Euripides:
This unfortunate man, who is chained to the post, is
my father-in-law; if you will restore him to me, you will have no
more cause to complain of me; but if not, I shall reveal your
pranks to your husbands when they return from the war.
CHORUS: (Commotion, whispering)
We accept peace, but there is this barbarian whom
you must buy over.
Euripides:
That's my business. All you have to do is this.
(Whispering)
Narrator:
Then Euripides returns as an old woman
accompanied by a dancing girl and a flute girl
Euripides:
Come, my little wench, bear in mind what I told you on
the road and do it well. Come, go past him and gird up your
robe. And you, you little dear, play us the air of a Persian
dance.
Scythian:
What is this music that makes me so alive?
Euripides: (as an old woman)
Scythian, this young girl is going to practice some
dances, which she has to perform at a feast presently.
Scythian:
Very well! Let her dance and practise; I won't hinder
her. How nimbly she bounds! Oh very well. That beautiful body!
Euripides:
Come, my dear, off with your robe and seat yourself
on the Scythian's knee; stretch forth your feet to me, that I may
take off your slippers.
Scythian:
Ah! yes, seat yourself, my little girl, ah! Yes, to be
sure. What a firm little bosom! 'tis just like a turnip.
Euripides:
(to the flute-girl). An air on the flute, quick! (To the
dancing-girl.) Well! are you still afraid of the Scythian?
Scythian:
What beautiful thighs! Enough to make me a man!
Euripides:
That's so! (To the dancing-girl.) Resume your dress, it
is time to be going. Give me a kiss. (to the dancing-girl). Come,
give him a kiss.
Scythian:
Oh! oh! oh! my goodness, what soft lips! Its like Attic
honey. Is there any chance that she might stay.. you know..

Artemusia. Can you remember that name?

Scythian:
Artemuxia. Good!
Euripides: (aside)
Hermes, god of cunning, receive my thanks!
everything is turning out for the best. (To the Scythian.) As for
you, friend, take away this girl, quick. (Exit the Scythian with
the dancing-girl.) Now let me loose his bonds. (To
Mnesilochus.) And you, directly I have released you, take to
your legs and run off full tilt to your home to find your wife and
children.
Mnesilochus:
I shall not fail in that as soon as I am free.
Euripides: (releases Mnesilochus)
There! Its done. Come; fly, before the archer lays his
hand on you again.
Mnesilochus:
That's just what I am doing. (Exit with Euripides)
Scythian:
Ah! old woman! what a charming little girl! So obliging!
Eh! where is the old woman? Ah! I am undone! And the old
man, where is he? Old woman! Old woman! Ah! but this is a
dirty trick! Artemuxia! she has tricked me, that's what the little
old woman has done! Get clean out of my sight, you cursed
quiver! (Picks it up and throws it across the stage.) Ha! you are
well named quiver, for you have made me quiver indeed. Oh!
what's to be done? Where is the old woman then? Artemuxia!
Chorus:
Are you asking for the old woman who carried the
lyre?
Scythian:
Yes, yes; have you seen her?
Chorus:
She has gone that way along with an old man.
Scythian:
Dressed in a long robe?
Chorus:
Yes; run quick, and you will overtake them!
Scythian:
Ah! rascally old woman! Which way has she fled?
Artemuxia!
Chorus:
Straight on; follow your nose. But, hey! Where are you
running to now? Come back, you are going exactly the wrong
way.
Scythian:
Artemuxia!!!! (Exit)
Chorus: (Wave to Euripides and Mnesilochus)
Go your way! And a pleasant journey to you! Keep
your promise young man! But our sports have lasted long
enough; it is time for each of us to be off home; and may the
two goddesses reward us for our labours!

Euripides:
Impossible, archer; good evening.
Scythian:
Oh! oh! old woman, do me this pleasure.
Euripides:
Then, hand over the money.
Scythian:
I have not got it, but I promise to give that to you once
were done. Follow me, my beautiful child. And you, old
woman, just keep guard over this man. But what is your name?
Euripides:

THE END
(Curtain Falls)

Characters
Darwin Valencia as Mnesilochus
Julius Perlas as Euripides
Ronnel Familiar as Agathon
Anthony Magtango as servant of Agathon
Jessica Villanueva as Herald
Rachel Jumarang as 1st woman
Gina Recto as 2nd woman
Jackielou Magtibay as 3rd woman
Maryjoy Gonzales as 4th woman
Lorena Badillo as 5th woman
Cristine Encinas as 6th woman
Aida Balita as Cleisthenes
Emil Latosa as the prytanis
John Wilbert Dagame as Scythian
Chorus:
Sheryl Javier
Sheila Marie Delgado
Ristelle Montoya
Jealyn Astillar
Yonnes Familaran
Emie Secillano as flute girl
Glory Ann Atienza as dancing girl
Festival Dancer
Melva Camillan
Jasmin Latag
Jenny Unico
Narrator:
Mariel Manalo