Cool premise. Quick read.

I would seriously recommend that you read

The Giver by Lois Lowry and watch Soylent Green, to inform your
writing. Both of these famous works cover lots of the same content
youre working on, so they might be able to give you some new
insights.
As for my actual literary comments, keep in mind that Im coming from
a short story and screenwriting background, so yeah, a grain of salt
with everything. Also, keep in mind that Im writing all of this in lecture
because my professor is boring as shit. So if stuff doesnt make sense,
please let me know and I can try and clarify.
Overall, I feel like the work right now reads more as a very fleshed out
character study than a story itself. We get a lot of great information
into Marks past and life, but very little insight into his mind and voice.
Paints an obituary like view of a man (which could be a very interesting
device, should you choose to pursue that route) but Im having a hard
time connecting to him as a character.
Right now, there is a lot of summary (i.e. Chapter 2). Usually, I would
recommend showing vs. telling, but if that is a stylistic choice, I
would propose you take one of two potential pathways. First, if youre
sold on using summary for the majority of your writing, I would
recommend you take on a more unique narrator voice. Right now, this
omniscient narrator reads as a bit too ordinary to warrant the godlike voice of this story.
One of the few short stories Ive read that have successfully used this
narrator summary is Teddy and Gage by Ames Lyman
http://expose.fas.harvard.edu/issues/issue_2011/lyman.html
I think this narrator works because like the characters, the voice seems
to age at a similar rate. So either make the narrator specific to the
story or see recommendation two.
Recommendation Two: Do away with a lot of the summary and instead
merge it with Marks mind. Let us into his head. Right now, we see him
from a birds eye view, observing his actions and interactions without
actually hearing much from him deeper self. If you go for this route
(which I think would be a lot easier), I would recommend taking the
summary and exposing it through Marks own musing. For example,
instead of telling us about termination from a historical view, maybe
Mark sees something on his shelf or outside that reminds him of
something. Through this flash back or free association, we can touch
on the history of termination but more importantly get a glimpse into
how Mark thinks.

Again, in Chapter 3, instead of just summarizing Marks morning

routine, you could take us through it as Mark would. How does his mind
wander while hes doing push ups? What does he think about? Once
again, we can get more backstory and insights into his inner workings
as well as highlighting his physical character. Furthermore, showing us
his thoughts while working out can also set him up as a fit, clever,
sharp guy, even in his old age.
Keep in mind that fiction writing takes place on three levels. If I
remember it correctly, the author must keep in mind that the story
takes place in 1) the characters head, 2) the immediate room around
him, and 3) the world outside that room. All three should individually or
collectively mirror whats going on with the character on some level.
Finally, it seems like Marks family seems uncannily unphased by the
fact that their father is going to be killed off. Is that the norm now? If
so, Id highlight this by juxtaposing this nonchalance with Marks
reaction (though Mark also seems relatively unshaken by this as well).
If I found out I had a few more months to live, Id be freaking out a lot
more. Would not be having as many casual brunches, etc.
I think at least one character (ideally Mark), should mirror the
audiences abhorrent reaction to termination, even if everyone else is
super blas about it. If the world around them is super jaded by it, this
would highlight this contrast even more. And as far as the family,
unless they really dont care about Mark, I would consider putting more
subtext into their conversations. Perhaps they dance around talking
about termination, but we know thats all they really want to talk
about. I think it would be a great way to play up the suspense and
tension.
Thats the narrative summary of my overall notes. Ive Copy-Pasted my
reading notes below. Very compelling concept though. Very engaging.
Totally read it all in like 20 minutes. Fast read.

Verisimilitude without actual dates (2041? Perhaps use

futuristic/alternative date keeping to keep story present and give
us a sense of time)
o Soy Lent Green
Chapter 2 jars me out of the story. Feels very expositional
o Feel like this could more elegantly proposed through
dialogue, action, or some other, more organic device
o Also dispels some of the mystery of the first chaptersee
The Lottery

o Consider having some sort of mystery revealplay with

expectations
Description of Mark in Chapter 2 is very expositional as
wellshow vs. tell
o Large block of thiswould try to embed some actual scene
work into thisperhaps its Mark reflecting on
somethinghe seems something that brings on this
flashback and we learn two things at the same time
We get to hear Marks own voice and thought pattern
while we hear this backstory
Characterize Mark early on. Let us into his head and actions. Put
him in motion.
Skype in Chapter 3perhaps something more futuristic?
Again, Chapter 3Marks morning routinehow does he feel
about it
o Would recommend rather than telling us what the routine
is, take us through his roaming thoughts as he works out.
o What do you think about when you work out? Once again,
by taking us into his mind, we can get some more
backstory and gain insight into his daily routine. Plus, if we
get to hear how his brain works while hes working out, you
can set him up as a clever/smart character with his brain
functions very much in tact (if thats what you want)
Reads as a great character study, less of a story itselfgreat
summary of a mans life. Teddy and Gage
o Keep in mind fiction writing takes place on three levelsin
the characters head, in the room around the character,
whats happening outsideall three represent whats going
on with the character
Chapter 4On a more stylistic note, I would recommend starting
chapters on slightly more captivating ledes. Start in the heart of
the action.The lunch went off without a hitch, etc. not
really necessary
o Start with conversation, or something Mark notices.
Family seems uncannily unphased by fact father is going to be
killedis that the norm now? If so, Id highlight this by
juxtaposing Marks reaction to being terminated (his and the
audiences reaction) to how nonchalant his family is (society)
o If thats not the case, Id make the familys reaction a bit
more realmore grounded in emotions (lunch where he
breaks the news would not go off without a hitch)
o Mark also does not feel shaken enough for thisat least
one character needs to mirror the audiences reaction
(ideally it would be Mark)

Id also age Marks voice a bit. Still feels a bit young