lifestyle //GOMmelier

Coffee: The Eccentric Saga of the

World’s Most Traded Commodity
Infiltration of enemy lines wearing a fashionable turban, caffeine-fuelled
revolutions, allegations of widespread flaccidity and exploding peaches.
By Keith Hoffman

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È Coffee trees were first harvested in Ethiopia.
T Been dorking lately?
he natural birthplace of coffee lies in a
range of Ethiopian highlands about 1,500
to 2,000 meters above sea level. Thriving
in shade provided by the Ethiopian forests, coffee
trees, laden with gorgeous white flowers, red
berries and a beloved compound called caffeine,
still grow wild to about five meters in height.
Soon after the first brewing of coffee in Ethiopia,
the bean’s global trek began with a visit to Yemen,
and then off to the wide world, likely via Vienna
(see below), and other Western locales.
There are two main types of coffee, Arabica
(high quality, and the topic of discussion here),
and Robusta (a much cheaper varietal with and
higher caffeine content used in instant coffee
and other affordable preparations). Arabica has
profoundly influenced our entire world, and
this is her tale.
Over many decades, in a quest to take over
the West, numerous Sultans from the Ottoman
Empire viewed Vienna as a key strategic city,
and were therefore fervently bent on seizing it.
A repeating ebb and flow of murderous battles
and unspeakable military atrocities culminated
in the 1683 Battle of Vienna. A key player
in the classic skirmish was a member of the
Polish nobility, one Franciszek Kulczycki (also
Kolschitzky in German). Franciszek clearly was
a grand character, as he carried the envious, and
concomitant, titles of soldier, diplomat, spy and
merchant. In his youth, he became adept at both
Turkish language and culture, and even worked as
a Turkish translator. Remarkably, these skills later
served him, Vienna and maybe the entirety of the
Western world with a crucial military victory.  Coffee in Good Spirits Championship,
During the 1683 battle, things began to go
very poorly for the Austrians, and an Ottoman
conquest almost certainly loomed as Vienna was
dying, starving and on the brink of being totally
besieged. The Austrians desperately needed to
summon military aid, and fast. Franciszek, who
at that juncture was a soldier of no particular
accomplishment, volunteered on an almost
unimaginably testicular mission. He requested
to pose as an Ottoman solider and sneak through
massive enemy lines to deliver the Austrian
call for help to the King of Poland and the
Holy Roman Emperor.  hound: “Advanced filter and grinding”,
He blended his way to and from among
legions of sworn-enemy combatants and
successfully summoned the Christian military
might his fellow soldiers would have died without.
His disguise consisted of dressing in Turkish
garb and singing songs that had helped him learn
the language as a child. The ensuing victory
marked the historic end of the Ottoman Empire’s
expansion into Europe. Franciszek was deemed
a hero of Vienna and gifts and money were
showered upon him in gratitude.  various provisions, armour and bag upon bag of
Therefore, one could argue that even you
owe Franciszek a debt of appreciation for stopping
the Western world’s assimilation by Ottomans.
GOMmelier // lifestyle
Due to my ongoing fascination with nerd-
like behaviour across fields of inquiry, I
was absolutely delighted to discover an
announcement for an epic gathering for
over-caffeinated geeks.
“A Welcome to Wonderful Coffee 2008”
will be held in late June in Copenhagen,
and guarantees sleepless attendees
that it will be “the premier European
coffee gathering this year”. Exhibitions,
workshops, and complicated and varied
competitions abound, including, but not
limited to World Barista Championship,
World Cup Tasting Championship, World
and the World Latte Art Championship.
Sounds like a party. 
Don’t miss the “Coffee Photography
Competition”, as it’s sure to provide tense
and gripping montages of edgy, strung-out
espresso cups captured in thespian poses
under the crush of grey matte finality.
If you smoke, you may have to leave the
production, fire one up, and weep about
the cruelty of life.
Finally, the following lectures are
sure to rivet even the newbie coffee
the “Science of milk for baristas”, and, my
personal favourite entry, “Everything you
need to know about porcelain”. Excitement
is sure to runneth over.
Additionally, all Western coffee drinkers
may also be obliged to him for the form in which
we take our coffee even today. You see, when the
Turkish forces retreated, they left behind weapons,
unknown seeds. Many of the Austrian soldiers
collected these treasures as victors are want to
do. The bags of seeds, according to legend,
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lifestyle //GOMmelier

were thought to be some peculiar animal

feed, deemed useless, and burned in great
stacks. At that same moment, Franciszek
strutted around the battlefield with the
composure of a man who had just secured
his place in history. However, something
was about to muddle his moment in the sun. 
Somehow, through a warm wind, dripping
with the odors of rotting flesh and fermenting
human seepages associated with a 17th-century
battlefield, the smoke from these “animal feed”
fires wafted into his nose. The first inhale went
without notice, but upon a second sniff, Franciszek
instantly lost his poise and began hysterically
running and shouting at his fellow soldiers. Once
again, his childhood training in all things Turkish
came into play. What he smelled was the aroma
of roasting coffee beans, and he claimed the
remaining bags as his own. No one else had
any clue about what he was so excited about.
In a foreshadowing of modern day marketing
that many a sports star or celebrity has mimicked,
he opened up a shop to cash in on his fame.
Hordes flocked to see him, to hear his heroic tales
of battle, and to try this bizarre brown drink he È The Arabica coffee bean has had a massive influence on the world. A world without coffee is hard to fathom.
called “coffee”. His store was a hit. Franciszek,
however, did not rest on all his recent laurels. Mr. Kulczycki, for he might have not only saved when initiated in a public place, and in concert
Sometime, soon after his grand opening, he began the West, but he may have also ushered in the with others, can lead to a rapid and meaningful
filtering out spent grounds which were normally Age of Cappuccino.  exchange of ideas. 
left in the served cups, and toying with additions In France, the first coffeehouses were said
of milk and sugar to his brews. The public roared Revolutionary Coffee  to be such hotbeds of cerebral exchange. In fact,
for Franciszek once again. The caffeine in coffee, as we all have experienced, the dissemination of the world’s first organised
Accordingly, when you next start your day can make us more talkative, more reflective newspaper was believed to have taken root in such
with a hot, brown elixir of wakefulness, thank and, for many, more assertive. These effects, houses. Many still claim that it was the massive

Facts of note
• Nicotine in tobacco and caffeine in coffee crash, and therefore,
beans were designed by nature as poisons subsequent Great
meant to ward off attacking insects. Humans’ Depression in America.
intense love of both these toxins proves, once
again, that ‘side effects’ are not all bad. • A properly-made
espresso can contain
• An anonymous and exceedingly hurried orders of magnitude
man in a country known for impatient people more complex than
(Italy) is credited with the invention of espresso, as he sarcastically wine; a shocking
suggested to a barista that he did not have time to wait for his coffee. 1,500 different smell
“Can’t you speed it up with pressure or something, buddy?” may have and taste components
indeed changed coffee consumption for millions of people everywhere. are possible.

• There is no espresso bean. Espresso can be
made from a variety of coffee beans.
• Baristas can tell exactly when milk is ready
for adding to coffee by the deeper pitch of
sound as they heat it.
• In 1929 the acute and worldwide drop in
coffee prices is believed by many to have been
a significant trigger for the 1929 stock market
• In the US alone, $10 billion is spent every year on quality coffee.
•‘Starbucks’ is named after the coffee-drinking first mate in Herman
Melville’s novel Moby Dick.
• Both the concept of a ‘coffee break’ and ‘Juan Valdez’ were marketing
ploys to increase coffee consumption. The former was the brainchild
of a US/Latin American government group, while the latter was a
fictional character designed to bring awareness of the beans’ origins
to a woefully coffee-ignorant 1960s American public.

68 GAMBLINGONLINEMAG.CO.UK

and prolonged consumption of coffee itself,
in such settings, that triggered the collective
realisations and resolve that defined the
French Revolution.
In England, a certain Mr. Edward Lloyd’s
coffeehouse served sailors, various merchants and
insurance underwriters of the day. Over time, the
latter group must have been drinking and talking
the loudest as Edward’s coffeehouse became the
insurance powerhouse, Lloyd’s of London.
In America, the seeds of revolution may
also have been a roasted brown colour. Thomas
Jefferson and other Founding Fathers were
said to be constantly drinking coffee. In fact,
right after the Boston Tea Party, it was a well-
established, and sometimes brutally enforced,
patriotic duty to thoroughly reject tea. Coffee’s
hold on America was borne.  the most respected coffee authorities on the
How to Brew a Hot, Steamy
and Sexist Dispute  It has that roundness, but all that acidity
Not all citizens seemed to approve
of this magical brain stimulant, however.
In a suspicious display of public relations,
groups of women allegedly spontaneously
gathered in vast rooms of estrogen unrest and
drafted fiery diatribes against coffee. Was this
the cleverest of all marketing gimmicks by
those still economically tied to the sale of tea,
or was this a legitimate public hullabaloo? We
may never know, but the tort and retort are
delightfully rich and full-bodied.  kind gallants, that they are become as impotent
The Women’s Proclamation reads: “Coffee
leads men to trifle away their time, scald their
chops and spend their money all for a little base,
black, thick, nasty, bitter, stinking nauseous
puddle water.” Ouch. The document continues
È The introduction of coffee has a profound effect on societies around the globe.
È A grinder transforms beans into coffee granules.
with various claims, the most scandalous of which
was the accusation of carnal non-performance.  appreciation and deep love of the bean. Given
The “excessive use of that newfangled,
abominable, heathenish liquor called coffee,
which riffling nature of her choicest treasures,
and drying up the radical moisture, has so
eunucht our husbands, and crippled our more
as age, and as unfruitful as those deserts where
that unhappy berry is said to be brought.”
Fighting words for sure. The ladies did
not stop there, and in fact went on to belittle the
very idea that their husbands were in possession
GOMmelier // lifestyle
How does a perfect cup taste?
I have found no better description of the
ultimate coffee experience, than from one
globe. George Howell sums it up: “Like that
perfect peach that explodes in your mouth.
is there too, and it is perfectly cradled by
everything else and the flavours in it. To me,
that is worth anything you can think of.” 
Clearly the man has developed a keen
that many of us drink coffee every day, I
would suggest attempting to try and capture
some of George’s passion. It just might make
every morning that much richer for you.
of the mental capacity necessary to carry
out meaningful debate in the first place. 
“Where they are sure to meet enow lazy
pragmatical companions, that resort here to
prattle of news, that they neither understand, nor
are concerned in; and after an hour’s impertinent
chat, begin to consider a bottle of claret would do
excellent well before dinner; whereupon to the
Bush they all march again together, till every one
of them is drunk as a drum, and then back again
to the coffee-house to drink themselves sober.”
The entire male citizenry had just been
accused of hollow chattering, empty discourse,
and pestilent limpness. Clearly a reply must come.
While shorter in length, the masculine reply
claimed that coffee, to the contrary, helped them
with the “thunderous executions” assumedly
demanded by lascivious 17th-century women
everywhere. The men further declared that
coffee repelled gaseous unpleasantries, and
let them finally speak in a serene environment
with their peers.
“Coffee rather assists us by drying up those
crude flatulent humours, which otherwise would
make us only flash in the pan, without doing that
thundering execution which your expectations
exact. You may well permit us to talk abroud, for
at home we have scarce time to utter a word for
the insufferable din of your active tongues.” 
Touché indeed. 
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