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JOE ENGLSH
Imagine this: a card game similar to Pokemon,
except each card is a Yale administrator, with their
respective attack strengths and vital weaknesses.
Which administrator would you choose to send
to battle? YCC Presidential candidate Ben Martin
would chose former Dean Mary Miller because
shes a boss. Candidate Andy Hill would play
Dean Jonathan Holloway because hes taking our
opinions seriously. Lastly, candidate Joe English
would throw down the gauntlet with Secretary
Kimberly Goff-Crews because shes really powerful
and really chill. None of them, however, chose
50 Moster Linda Lorimer, winner of Rumpuss
Facebook contest. We find this shocking considering
that YCC campaigns also depend entirely on
Facebook likes. We will try not to let this lapse in
judgement crush our faith in student government.

all photos in this extra

borrowed from the YDN

The Pokemon game has a clear winner:
whipping his dick out at the heteronormative
classist patriarchy of the West (his only true enemy,
he says), Joe English kills the game. Nobody even
knows who Mary Miller is anymore, and Dean
Holloway doesnt stand a chance against the mighty
Secretary Goff-Crews. Rumpus endorses Joe not
because of his vision or experience, but because
Joe just gets it. Joe gets that dorm parties are the
best parties and that the video of Janis Joplin at
Woodstock is the best music video of all time. Joe
gets that there is no quick fix for Saybrook College.
Its going to take some long-term therapy, he says.

As a freshman, Joe rewrote the YCC
Constitution and served on all three branches of
the council. This year, he is YCC Chief of Staff.
Rumpus doesnt know if that means Joe made
Michael Herbert his bitch or vice versa, but it has a
nice ring to it. Andy Hill serves as a representative
of Berkeley College; his YCC project has to do with
campus sustainability, but he prides himself on
a number of personal projects, such as reaching
out to cultural houses and working to form an
Inter-Fraternity Council. Ben Martin is SoCo Vice

P R E S D E N T:
englsh

President, and SoCo has a pretty dope Instagram

account that throws mad likes at Rumpuss account.
Thanks, Ben.

When asked why he was running, Ben Martin
said that he wanted to be YCC president because
he would be the best; he doubted that the other
candidates would have successful reigns. We liked
the honesty. However, when asked which member
of YCC board would have the highest kill count in
a similar Pokemon card game, Martin chose one of
the few female members of YCC because she was
the most catty. Despite our appreciation of his
candidness, Rumpus would prefer a YCC President
who, while running for a position that has been held
by one woman in the last fifteen years in an all-male
election, can back up this vital Pokmon decision
with less gross, sexist reasons.

Hill enticed us with his vision and insight.
Rumpus constantly searches for revelation with the
near-impossible question: Blue State on York or
Wall? While English and Martin both chose York
due to its proximity, Hill says that Its a mentality
shift; York is for nighttime, Wall is for the morning.
We couldnt have said it better ourselves, and we
like the idea of a YCC President who knows the truth
and isnt afraid to say it. Two things stand in the
way of us believing in WE (Hills slogan). First,
Hill wants to make more Task Forces. More Task
Forces means more emails, and we currently have
851 unread emails in our inbox. And unfortunately,
we really just cant get behind the grammatical
construction of his slogan.
In retrospect, last years YCC Presidential Election
was a total shitshow. Between former President
Danny Avraham inappropriately lashing out at Sara
Miller and Michael Herbert being Michael Herbert,
the Yale student body was sufficiently entertained
for the week of campaigning. Compared to last year,
this years elections are boring as shit. English, Hill,
and Martin are all non-schizophrenic, generally
good guys who all have the same platform: stick it
to the man. Where is the drama? Where are the
accusations of homophobia and 2000-word long
YDN comments? Step it up, gentlemen. Entertain
us.
ADAM S. & ALEX S.

VEEP:

MADDE BAUER
Madeline Bauer may be running unopposed for the
YCC Vice Presidency, but that doesnt mean she
isnt taking this election seriously.
I was sort of listening to the debates on Monday,
she tells us, but only in between scrolling through
Rumpuss twitter feed.
Its this apathy towards the YCC -- and shameless
flattery of our Web Brand -- that allows Rumpus to
confidently endorse Maddie for the position.

Maddies platform is certainly in line with the values of the council. She hopes to recreate the
community experience YCC provided her last year, particularly the elite 2013-14 F-Board,
i.e. the 7 freshmen council reps who needed yet another GroupMe to ignore in an attempt to
feel powerful. (Editors note: several Rumpus staffers report not making the cut.) It wasnt
exclusive, I swear, she assures us. Actions, not words, Maddie. Actions, not words.
Maddie also hopes to create a shuttle line to Yale Health for students, which is great news for
the drunk freshmen who cant stumble there without getting lost deep in Dixwell. Shes even
proven herself to be committed to the transparency of the Council: when prompted to give
the scoop on Michael Herbert, she immediately handed over exclusive text messages in which
Herberts fingers actually typed the phrase awko taco, and leaked a YCC Correspondents
Gala scandal we were later forced to retract.
Our endorsement of Bauer isnt without reservations. Sure, shes served as the University
Services chair and has worked with the Mental Health Steering Committee, but is she in
tune to the plights of the Yale experience that have thus far gone unnoticed? Maddie claims
to not own a Canada Goose jacket, so could she ever really understand the desperation of a
Sunday morning Facebook campaign searching for the many lost at Harvest? Shes never
seen a Linda Koch Lorimer snow day email (may they Rest In Power) -- how does she plan
to fill the shoes of our universitys best Vice President? These are worthwhile questions to
ask yourself before you cast your vote.
Though Rumpus was discouraged by her inexperience in these regards, we reaffirmed our
commitment to Maddie by connecting over an innocent game of Marry, Fuck, Kill. Like
Rumpus, Maddie would end Andy Hill, mate with Ben Martin (but only because I have
to), and ultimately tie the knot with Joe English. Tell it like it is, girl. Were behind you all
the way.
Vote Maddie Bauer for Vice President, because what else are you going to do.
LUCAS R. & ALLEX D.

fnance:

no endorsement

Because Daniel Tovbin is a member of the Rumpus

staff, it would be a conflict of interest for Rumpus to
endorse any other candidate. Vote Tovbin!

events:

pork buns
PORK
BUNS

Meaty on the inside, soft on the outside. Dough hugs a

slow-roasted center. Theres barbecue sauce steaming
within. Youve craved them all day--these savory spheres.
Youve longed to bite into them. Were not talking about
pork buns. Were talking about YCC Events Coordinator
Candidates Amour Alexandre and Megan Ruan.
Looking to endorse one of them (to assist our readership at
the polls), Rumpus interviewed them both. What follows
is excerpts from these interviews--our hardest-hitting
questions.
***
Rumpus: So lets say youre a character on Lost, or not
Lost specifically, but an equivalently inoffensive ABC
primetime drama of similar subject matter.
Amour Alexandre: So Im about to be stranded on an
island?
R: Mhmm. And you can only take one Oscar-nominated
short with you, of any year or genre. BUT, it cant be 2010s
God of Love or 2014s Boogaloo and Graham.
AA: Okay.
R: What Oscar nominated short are you taking with you?
AA: Franz Kafkas Its a Wonderful Life
R: Okay, so Ive always loved Richard E. Grant, mostly for
his cameos on HBO dramedies.
AA: Same.
R: And I like that you chose a short that confronts
important themes--similar to those confronted by the
conceit of being stranded on an island.
AA: Mortality and abandonment?
R: Exactly.
***
Rumpus: Can I call you Meg?
Megan Ruan: Of course.

R: Meg, lets say youre a character on Lost, or not Lost specifically, but an
equivalently inoffensive ABC primetime drama of similar subject matter.
MR: So Im about to be stranded on an island?

EVENTS:

PORK
BUNS

R: Mhmm. And as your planes going down, the pilot comes up to you and
says, Were all about to be stranded on an island. And youre like, okay.
MR: Okay.
R: And then he says, Every back-up singer/dancer who ultimately became a
star is sitting in first class, and you can only save one of them.
MR: --R: Who do you save?
MR: Whom*
R: Whom do you save?
MR: Jennifer Lopez.
R: Okay, so Ive always loved New Kids on the Block, and Im impressed that
you know she once back-up danced for them. I also love 2003s Gigli, but I
think more because of Ben Affleck than Jennifer Lopez.
MR: Same.
R: So decent answer. BUT I was actually looking for either Phil Collins or
Casper Smart. Ironically enough, he back-up danced for Jennifer Lopez, so
you came pretty close.
MR: I feel like he never really became a star though. He just dated Jennifer
Lopez.
R: Have you Googled it?
***
Rumpus: Okay so, same set-up as before.
Amour Alexandre: Alright.
R: Unless youre tired of it.
AA: No, Im fine.
R: So starting tomorrow, youll be on the island. You have one. last. Saturday.
night. to spend in New Haven. How do you spend it?
AA: Pre-game at Basil (for the pork buns), then Box.
R: Okay, so Ive always loved pork buns.
***
Rumpus endorses pork buns for 2015-2016 YCC Events Coordinator.
PATRICK D.