When the shit started to hit the fan

Jordan awoke from his normal evening nap they had become a necessity with the stress
on his body from the upcoming wedding. Somedays he didnt nap he would just simply lay there
with his thoughts watching as his life ticked away. Although today was different his partner
wasnt there with him. She was off preparing for the wedding in her absence his arms felt rather
cold. Wrapping his arms around himself, and looking around at his room he questioned himself,
What am I doing with my life? Hearing his phone ringing in the kitchen Jordan swung to one
side launching himself from the bed. Making it to the kitchen Jordan ripped the phone from its
holster, What do you want?
Is that the tone you would use with your mother, Jordan, came a very prominent, and
distinguishable voice1 from the other end of the line.
n no!, Jordan was able stammer before being cut off.
I bet you would talk to your mother with that tone you ungrateful fiance. I should just
get kidnapped at the altar, and leave you there gawking. Just to let you know I had our wedding
pushed forward it is about an hour so, get yourself cleaned up, and over to the church.
There was click, and Jordan was left standing there with the phone beeping in his ear.
rushing around the house Jordan began to tidy himself up by brush his teeth, taking a shower,
1 Ginger Voice~
a ginger voice is generally where a certain person has the voice which has a similar description to
a Ginger person, such as:
1) Being quite loud.
2) Very prominent.
3) Very distinguishable.
4) Difficult to ignore.

pg.1

and getting into his suit. After buttoning up the last button down the front of his suit Jordan
decided to chance a glimpse at the clock. He only had three minutes till the wedding started he
felt as if the blood had drained from his body. Taking off he started running through the door of
his down East Main Street onto South Hickory Drive losing his left shoe as he ran. Arriving at
the church side doors Jordan was a mess sweating, covered in dirt, missing his shoe, and tie. His
fiance was going to kill him, he thought.
Jordan get over here, came a voice out of the side door.
Looking up Jordan noticed it was Hailey his fiance friend from childhood. I cant shell
never marry me when I look like this.
Hailey started to laugh, That sweet you thought she was marrying you for your looks
that would never happen. Grabbing Jordan by the arm Hailey dragged Jordan into the church.
Once inside the church Jordan decided to kick off his other shoe at least he would walk evenly
now. Dragging Jordan to a door Hailey gave him what she considered to a light shove sending
him stumbling, and falling through the door. For a moment Jordan was confused, and was
beginning to panic until the minister waved him forward. Music played as Jordan reached the
front podium signaling the brides entrance. Everyone turned to face the door Jordan had entered
through again this time with a little less surprise, and more joy.
With each step his fiance took Jordan could feel more regret swelling up within him. As
she reached the altar Jordan stood tall, and pushed those thoughts from his mind. Staring at his
fiance he noticed for the first time she was wearing a veil. Well thats great now I dont even
know if its really my fiance, he thought to himself. The music stopped as his wife to be reached
the podium.

pg.2

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God to kidnap this women
Jordan stood there for a moment letting that sink in.
Wait what did you just..., Glancing up Jordan took in a horrible sight where the
minister once stood was a hideous creature he remembered it all too well it was a human
centipede. Cringing Jordan began to back away as the hideous monster wrapped around his wife
to be constricting her. Well isnt this ironic she did say she would get herself abducted at the
altar, Jordan thought to himself as he ran for his life. Just as he reached the exit the door flung
open nearly hitting him. Falling backward, and out of way Jordan rolled to his feet.
Taking a few steps forward a tall man with long dark brown in a hawaiian shirt, and jean
shorts walked in. Jordan knew who this man was the moment he saw him. The man coughed then
began to talk, Hello my of so dear friend Jordan after all these years I finally ravenclawed your
hufflepuff, and slytherined to your chamber of secrets. Jordan sat there for a moment with a
blank look on his face.
Did you just say say you slythined to my chamber of secrets. What kind of pervert are
you Cody? Placing both hands over his rear end as if to protect himself from Cody. He began to
back away.
Im not a perverted that phrase means I finally caught you with your weakness exposed,
and attacked it while taking you by surprise. What kind of pervert are you.
Im not perverted at all that phrase is clearly innuendo, and where did you get that
bullshit meaning from?
The mysterious man who went by the name of Cody stood there for a moment before

pg.3

responding, How dare you! You know what I was going to be nice to you, and give you a
chance but, no! I am kidnapping your fiance, and the only way to save her is going to be killing
me in the next three days. As he finished speaking Cody took a few steps, and whistled.
Standing there for a minute, or two Cody waited tapping his foot. In the distance you could hear
screams, and explosions, Well, I guess thats my ride see ya. Hopping into the air Cody landed
on a second human centipede as it came barreling through the wall. The other centipede holding
his fiance followed through the new hole in the side of the church.
What am I doing with my life?, Jordan asked himself with his face cupped in both
hands as he dropped to the floor. Looking around he hadnt even noticed but, everyone else had
already fled from his wedding.
Meanwhile downtown the town for the most part had been left untouched excepted for a single
path of destruction formed by the human centipede about 5 meters in diameter through the center
of town. News crews were swarming the scene hoping to get a good look at what some claimed
was the beginning of the apocalypse. Police ropes laces the trail keeping the onlookers a safe
distance from the path. chief what do you think it was? asked a young looking officer clearly
quivering probably one hairs length from pissing himself.
From all the information we collected... responded a white haired older man this thing
could be a demon from hell for all I know. Looked over there. Pointing at the upper, and lower
half of a human ripped from each other. See what the fuck could manage to do that, and over
there too As he changed the direction he was pointing to cluster of neatly piled human heads
with some organs still attached.
Not feeling relieved by this statement the young damn pissed himself dropping to the

pg.4

floor sobbing, Im not made for this kind of work... He could feel the vomit welling getting off
the floor he ran looking for somewhere safe to vomit. Finding what looked liked a safe corner he
vomited as much as he could just as the high power industrial fan was turned on sucking the
vomit out of him, and sending it flying forward in a huge sheets. No one is safe!!, he yelled
before falling to the ground once again. It was true no one in front of that fan was safe his vomit
plastered the crowd of news reporters making it onto live news around the country. Bad news for
all these news reporters that police officer that just vomited everywhere had aids.
now back to the story at hand~
Cody was now back his super secret underground laboratory (not really that secret since a
lot of people know about it now). Placing a bowl down in front of one of his more stable human
centipedes he began to pet it. feed my pretty thats right mommy loves you just the way you
are. The moment the bowl reached the floor the centipede dove face first in not even caring it
was eating the entrails from another centipede that had recently died. Every since Rick there died
you are my new favorite. Now that we are talking about favorites I better go make sure the other
centipedes havent eaten the bride. Walking for room after room of centipedes, and other creepy
experiments for what seemed like hours. Cody finally reached that door that led to another door
that led to his holding cells. Entering the room he slipped passed the human centipede guard
even he didnt want to deal with that feisty one except maybe on a night when he needed some
companionship.
Hello, who is there?, asked a pale skinned, red haired, and freckled women of short
stature.
It is I! Cody jumped away from the wall directly into a light he had preset up for

pg.5

extravagance, and swag. Cody, the great mad scientist, and creator of human centipedes.
Pressing a button the sound of thunder plays on a stereo plays in the corner.
Sitting with a dumbstruck the ginger responds, What exactly is a human centipede?
A smile broke across Codys face at the thought of how he could introduce his favorite
experiment. One of these. Whistling Cody sat back for a moment tapping his foot.
A few moment later a centipede came through the demolishing it. ARGUUHHHHH!!!
Looking at the hole in the wall Cody facepalms himself, Why cant you use the door like
a normal human anything. Do you know if you do that enough times this lab will collapse, and
you will?
Sitting like a obedient the centipede waits for its next command, ARGUUHHHHH!!!
Just give me a moment will you? turning back to the ginger, That is a human
centipede dim of wit, made of multiple humans, and cant speak. oh, wait watch this roll over
boy come on roll over. Rolling up in a giant wheel the centipede rolls itself around obediently.
See they can learn tricks just like a dog here a treat while I am at it. Walking over to the fridge
in the corner of the room Cody pulls a human head out of the fridge throwing it through the air.
Catch!!!
Jumping in the air the front end of the centipede catches the head in its mouth before
barreling through another wall., ARGUUHHHHH!!!
Looking at the new gaping hole in his secret base Cody facepalmed himself once again,
Come on, why? You know what just leave my sight ill feed you to the others later. Now where

pg.6

was I oh yes human centipedes tada!!!

What the fuck is that? Is it going to eat me?
Thats what she said.
What kind of pervert are you?
The kind with a women eating pet. If you know what I mean?
You sick bastard!What the hell is that thin, and is it really going to eat me?
One question at a time to the first question a human centipede duh, and to the second
question it probably wont eat you but im not positive. Well see ya I have plans to make for your
death Tu~Da~Lu.
Wait stop dont be such a loser!, she shouted as Cody ran out the door.
Running from room Cody slammed the door behind. Bitch, Please im fabulous
Now back to the story at hand~
Standing, and dusting himself off before making his way to the exit. Walking outside
Jordan the destruction Cody had cause finally sunk in. Through the center of town was a five
meter wide trail of pure destruction. Partial destroyed body parts littered the trails sides. Why
can't I have normal friends, Jordan asked himself as his face sunk back into his hands. All of a
sudden a dark shadow jumped from a nearby bush pinning Jordan to the ground, and covering
his mouth with what felt like a damp cloth. Jordan could feel his consciousness slipping with
every breath. Waking up again Jordan looked around. This placed look like a scene out of saw.

pg.7

Obscure tortures devices littered the floor they were dyed red with something that looked
ominously like blood. Ripping at his arms Jordan found out quickly that his hands were bound.
Tears streamed down his face as thin rope dug into his wrists.
Calm down there killer we dont want you accidently losing a hand. Those can be very
useful at times. said a man dressed in all black as he stepped out of the shadows in the corner of
the room.
What are all those devices on the floor for?, Jordan asked while shaking in the chair.
Oh, that it is used for fun times, the shadowy man responded with a straight face.
Jordan started to jerk in his chair again. I really wouldn't do that if you somehow manage to rip
your hand off your not making it to the hospital before you bleed out. At the very moment he sat
up straight, and was completely still. Leaning over, and brushing some hair from Jordans face
the shadowy man whispered in Jordans ear, Im Batman. Looking up at the man Jordan jerked
backwards knocking the chair over, and crushing his hands. Jordan began to scream in pain. I
havent even done anything yet so, quit yelling. The man who was supposed to be Batman
picked up both Jordan, and the chair flinging them at the wall. See what you made me do Just
shut your mouth for a moment. Groining on the ground Jordan shut his mouth. They said I had
to let you go but, they never said anything a little fun beforehand. Jordan began skittering across
the floor in an attempt to reach the door. Before he could reach the door brought a leg back, and
gave him a swift kick in the ribs sending him back where he came from. I havent even got to
the good part yet so, just sit down, and stop breathing
Jordan was so afraid he did exactly what Batman said he closed his mouth, and sat there
turning purple in the face. Ok, so where should I start how about I didnt mean not to breath

pg.8

literalily just keep your mouth shut. We are going to start with the group name. The group name
is vanilla it stands for Vore2 Anal Navigation Inspection Lubrication Lifestyle Association. The
entire name is basically a bullshit cover up for what really do, and that is capture people we
believe have the ability to destroy the world. As a member of vanilla you are a arch-enemy.
Jordan raised his hand at this last statement. What is it?
Gulping down the saliva that built up in his mouth Jordan began, Well you talk as if I am
a member of vanilla. Jordan stopped as he saw the maniacal look grow in Batmans eyes.
If you decide you dont want to join Vanilla then I have just shared top secret
information with you, and the responsibility to end your life will fall to me. If you look around
this room you might notice it wont be pleasant. Shivers ran up Jordans spine at the thought of
even one of these devices being used on him. If you dont feel like joining Vanilla then lets get
down to business if you will please lay down on the ill extract your...
Batman was cut off by Jordan as he managed to stammer out, N..noo I wi..ill join.
Wont you at least test out my medieval rack to see if it still works all you have to do
is..
Hell No!!!
You had to go and ruin my fun didnt you, Batman said dropping what looking like a
dull knife onto the table. If your going to join vanilla then I have to brief you this way, bitch.
2 Vore~
A sexual fetish that is not widely known about as of the date this definition was wrote, that
revolves around the general concept of taking pleasure from being eaten, or eating. Which can
include animals, food, or any other sort of eating or being eaten. but for the most part vore would
be used to describe the fetish of the person eating another person or the person being eaten and
enjoying it. There are two kinds of Vore.

pg.9

Walking through the doorway, and around the corner he disappeared. Jordan followed him
around the corner, and found himself in a dimly lit corridor with hundreds of rooms. Walking
slowing Jordan took it one step at at time looked in each open door as he passed.
Batman, where are...
BOO!!, Jordan was cut off as Batman jumped out of thin air scaring him to the damn
near pissing himself. Leaning against the wall for support Jordan caught his breath before
yelling, What the hell were you thinking scaring me like that? Looking around all Jordan saw
empty corridor. Where had he. Jordans train of thought was cut short again as Batman jumped
from the shadows this time silently. Jordan felt something warm trickling down his leg then, He
looked up noticing it was just a leaking pipe at least the what he hoped it was, If you scare me
one more time!Ill...
Turning face to face with Batman Jordan leapt back with surprise, You will what? At
that very moment Jordans leg felt warm again, and he wasnt standing under a leaky pipe this
time. Taking another step backward Jordan tripped falling to ground he quickly got back up, and
dusted himself. Wiping down his front he felt the two warms spots, and thought to himself, Yep
thats definitely piss. Making a feint lung towards Jordan Batman yelled, Thats what I thought
bitch! Turning around Batman began walking away. Come on its right over here, Batman
said leaving Jordan behind for a second time. Running after him Jordan tripped, and grabbed
onto his cape. Batman dragged Jordan for what it seemed like minutes before finally stopping.
Opening the door Batman walked inside leaving Jordan in the corridor. Getting to his feet he
decided it was best to follow him. Opening the door he saw Batman looking around the room for
something.

pg.10

What exactly was this place built for? It has so many rooms, Jordan asked Batman
while looking around.
Well the story starts awhile ago when I got hassled by all the robins into building this
faculty. It was used all the time back in the day. Now days robins are spread around the world,
and last time I checked there were over four-thousand. This faculty is used to use the tired, or
injured robins in the nearby area. Recently we even had a foreign visitor from Soviet Russia his
name was Nibor. Over the past few years safe houses like this one have been built all across the
world. That is pretty much the story. Sinking his hand into the couch Batman emerged holding
a remote of some sort. After Batman pressed a few buttons the tv turned on. Turning his head to
the tv Jordan heard faint noises. Pressing a few more buttons the volume got louder.
Oh, yes do it harder!
Augh!
Batman began mashing buttons in an attempt to shut the tv off but, Jordan knew exactly
what he had just seen.Why the hell is there hentai on the screen.
Well guys have to let off a load every once in awhile, and this is the designated room. I
couldnt have robins just doing it anywhere they wanted. Walking up to the dvd player Batman
eject the disc placing it carefully into a case before shoving that case into a shelf full of hentai.
Ok, so you saw nothing. Placing the correct disk in the dvd player Batman turned the tv on
again. Bold letters spelling out V.A.N.I.L.L.A flashed across the screen then the room went dark
again.
We are V.A.N.I.L.L.A forces united against the imminent destruction of the earth, the tv

pg.11

boomed. We are united in one cause to molest, analy rape, and conquire the world I mean
save the world. Steven cut that part from the video. Images across the screen in rapid succession
most of them naked people.
Jordan thought to himself, Big tits, small tits, little tits, round tits, and some granny tits
too.
At the sametime Batman thought to himself, Big tits, small tits, little tits, round tits, and
some granny tits too.
The screen went blank again before showing a black, and white video of a old man. I am
the original founder savior of earth, and the moon. If you want to be like me there are three easy
tricks. One eat healthy, and ... The old man breath caught in his throat, and he began to foam at
the mouth. Dropping the camera the cameraman ran to help the old guy. Foaming at the mouth
the camera man dropped to the ground as well. The video reel continued to play until Batman
walked up pressed stop.
Now you know the danger you have got yourself into, Batman said turning away.
I didnt get myself into this. You kidnapped me, saying you would torture and murder
me if I didnt join.
Well when you said you would join you made a soul binding contract with a ginger so if
you back on your promise you lose your soul. Those redheads are crafty back stabbers. I should
know I dated three of them in college.
And I was going to marry one before all this shit happened, Jordan yelled directly in
Batmans face.
pg.12

Come on man even a ugly ass like you, and unlike me can score a non-red headed girl.
Sure the stereotypes make them seem pretty hot but, you never marry a ginger. Isnt there a law
against getting married to a ginger. What is this world coming to gingers getting married, and
gays too for that matter? What next, the American government shutting down? Well, with that
fuck face Dick Vanilla as president I wouldnt put it past him. What was that noise? Batman
turned to face the corner on instinct Jordan ducked behind him.
ARGUUHHHHH!!!, A miniature human centipede leapt from the corner latching onto
Batmans face. Ripping the centipede from his face Batman threw it to the ground, and began
smashing it into a green pudding like mush.
ARGUUHHHHH!!!, Another centipede flew out of the corner. With the back of his
hand Batman slapped the centipede back into the corner.
Spreading his leg into straddle, and beating his chest Batman yelled, Come at me, I dare
you! Slithering from the corner hundreds of tiny of fun-sized human centipedes clustered
together forming a mass in the general shape of a person. The centipedes began to meld together
forming a person. After a moments pause the mass of partial centipede, and person began
walking forward. With each step more centipedes transformed into pieces of human.
Hello, my name is Professor Oak, said a man late in age that seemed to be wearing
some type of lab coat.
I know who you are all too well, Batman retorted. Jordan catch!, Batman tossed his
phone to Jordan. Get out of here, and call Dick Vanilla tell him to activate operation Shit-Storm.
He will take care of it from there. Standing tall, and putting his fists in front of him in a

pg.13

gentleman's fight pose Batman yelled, Run now! Jordan didnt need another reason to get the
hell out of there. Taking off Jordan made it out of the room, and down the hall before anyone
could stop him. Now all he needed to know was where he was.
Pulling back one arm Batman brought it round landing it on Oaks jaw sending tiny
human centipedes spraying across the room, and Oak without half a face. You're really pissing
me off, Oak said slightly slurred due to the lack of half his face. Grabbing him around the neck
Batman sunk his hands into Oaks neck, literalily. His hands were sinking into Oaks neck as
centipedes crawled up his arms. Grappling with the tiny centipedes Batman broke one arm free,
pulled it back, and brought it down making the second verse same as the first. Smashing off the
other half of Oaks face the centipedes began to squirms uncontrolled. The rest of Oaks body fell
apart into tiny centipedes that skittered away.
Running up the hall, and around the corner Batman was slightly behind Jordan as the
Shit-Storm began. Batman was cut open, and riddled with holes, I always did say that bitch
was going to be the death of me. I wonder if Dick did this because I banged his wife last night?
Turning on his heels Jordan spotted Batman, and ran to him. I have one last dying request,
coughing up blood Batman gasped for breath.
What is it Batman?
I need you to stick it in for me...please...just grab it and shove me in...
What the fuck!
I would do the same for you man. If I dont die with my bat dick in something I wont
feel like a man when I get to heaven. Blood began flowing freely from the giant gash that had

pg.14

mortally wounded Batman.

You think you would get to heaven with the fucked up shit youve done? Not a chance
you're fucked man. Youre bat shit fucking crazy! Turning, and running away Jordan didnt look
back. After of moment of getting lost in the underground corridors he managed to find a exit. Just
as Jordan reached the exit, the underground faculty exploded behind him sending flying into the
street. Well fuck I guess this is the end of my story, Jordan said to himself as he was hit by a
Prius. His body rolled over the top of the Prius. Jordan could tell both his arms were broken by
the way they were flinging around uncontrollably. Landing on the ground face first, Jordan had
just had the shit fucked out of him.
Pulling the Prius to a stop an extremely pale man exited the vehicle, Well aint that a
bitch. Grabbing Jordan by his legs the pale man dragged Jordan over to the Prius, and threw
him in the back seat. Getting in the drivers seat they peeled out hitting another bump like the one
they hut on the way in. Seems they have extremely bumpy roads around here.
Meanwhile 15 feet away~
Writhing his way through the ground Professor Oak, or at least one of the miniature
centipedes that made him up was still alive. Crawling to the surface Oak was still alive he could
rebuild, and dominate the His thoughts were cut short as he was run over by a Prius. His guts
were everywhere, and how did he know this because, another centipede lay in wait nearby. Oak
crawled through the soft sediment to the surface only to be hit a second time by the same Prius as
it reversed. Well fuck im not going back up there again, Oak thought to himself.
Now back to the main story~

pg.15

In the back seat of the Prius, Jordan was flopping around freely on the seat unconscious,
and without a seatbelt. His face had already made contact with a variety of objects, and was
bleeding freely from dozens of cuts. How you holding up back there?, the pale man said to
himself. Well the ride is going to get a bit bumpier, he said as he floored the gas pedal, sending
Jordans limp body into the back window shield. Come on, This car is rental stop getting blood
everywhere.
BLURGHGH!, Jordan threw up all over the back of the Prius.
Come on man really, I cant return this car now. The skies darkened around them as a
gigantic helicopter floated overhead. Well this is goodbye I guess. Well meet again on the other
side you faggot, pressing the cruise-control button, Dick leapt from the car. Just his luck, he was
on a bridge, and it was at least a three-hundred foot drop to the water. Without Dick in the front
seat, the car swerves into a tree, and explodes in a fiery inferno. everyone within thirty meters
dies except Jordan by some freak accident he managed to survive.
The helicopter was taking aim on Jordan as a flaming car door shot off of the car into the
blades of the helicopter. Effectively destroying the helicopters ability to fly, it was losing air,
and picking up speed. BOOM!, the helicopter crashed down onto the bridge causing mass
destruction. The bridges road was totaled, and most of the suspenders had snapped. The bridge
was now swinging vigorously like a girl with no need for a real relationship, and really wants
sex. Ripping free of the last suspender the bridge collapsed into the water where Dick was
swimming.
Ugh...my head, Opening his eyes Jordan had to pinch himself to make sure he was not
hallucinating. The entire bridge had collapsed, and he was sitting next to a burning Prius.

pg.16

Thinking back Jordan finally remembered he had been run over by that same Prius, but nothing
after that. Looking at his arms Jordan was amazed, the last time he had seen them they were
flopping around with bones protruding from the sides. Well, I wonder I am supposed to do
now, Jordan said as he stretched himself out in the partially burned grass.
The ocean was calm, and serene staring out into the distance for once in very long time
Jordan felt calm. Then shit hit the fan, the earth itself began to split in half. The crevice formed
as the earth split forced Jordan to jump off into the water. As soon as he hit the water Jordan
knew it was the wrong idea. In the water he could see a dark shadow coming after him. Fuck!,
Jordan took off as fast as he could swimming, but the shadow was gaining on him, and it was
growing.
ARGUUHHHHH!!!, A giant kraken formed out of humans spawned from the surface
water. Jordan didnt even have to turn around this time to know it was a human centipede, or
another one of Codys insane creations. Flying through the air, the kraken crashed down on top
of Jordan crushing him. Rolling underwater Jordan could feel every bone in his body being
crushed by the human krakens weight. something brushed against Jordans side. It was Dick he
was still alive thank god.
ARGUUHHHHH!!!, the kraken swallowed Dicks dick whole then it swam back
around to swallow the rest of Dick.
ARGUUHHHHH!!!, Dick screamed in pain as he slipped down the monsters throat
that had just bit his fake dick off. He was going to kill this thing if it was the last thing he did.
Grabbing parts of the krakens trachea, Dick began to hump it, Fuck your trachea bitch, I said
fuck your trachea..AUGH! Dicks hands slipped off the trachea, and he fell backwards into the

pg.17

krakens stomach. Splashing down in stomach acid, Dick got a mouth, eye, and nose full. His
entire face was burning from the acidic fluids inside the kraken. You know what, I am not going
down that easily, Dick started to punch the sides of the krakens stomach. Id give a fuck, but I
already gave it to your mother last night. Let me tell you she has quite the bite, maybe even more
of a bite than you."
Jordan watched in horror as the sides of the kraken expanded in every direction, and
human bodies blew out of its sides as Dick punched the kraken from the inside. The beast began
to writhe in pain slamming itself against the shore. In a final attempt to defeat, Dick the kraken
dove underwater filling its organs with water. In its stomach, Dick was fighting a losing battle as
water filled up the krakens stomach to his neck. Bringing back one hand it was time for dick to
use his finishing move, Falcon Punch!!! The kraken was obliterated with the sheer power of
that single punch causing the insides of the kraken to explode in every direction splattering the
surround area red with blood.
OH GOD! Its raining men, and a few women, Jordan yelled as the human centipede
bodies that had made up the kraken fell back to earth in bloody heaps. OH GOD!, Jordan
yelled as he narrowly dodged a falling body.
Swimming to the surface Dick looked at Jordan, and started laughing, You actually
thought I was a gonner didnt you? I was just having a bit of fun, it isnt everyday you get your
dick bit off by a kraken. After laughing for what seemed like forever Dicks laughter finally
died down to a chuckle, By the way I am pleased to meet your acquaintance my name is
Captain Dick Falcon Vanilla. My name, and my dick can be a mouth full at times so, people call
me Captain Falcon. Looking to the sky Dick looked anxious, Our ride should be here by

pg.18

now? As he finished his sentence, a blimp appeared over the horizon but, this wasnt just any
type of blimp, it was a zeppelin3
What is that!, Jordan was pointing into the distance.
What, cant you tell its a zeppelin, but Jordan wasnt talking about the zeppelin.
ARGUUHHHHH!!!, Another human centipede kraken at least ten times bigger than the
last one spawned from the water wrapping a tentacle around the zeppelin dragging it down into
the water. Lower, and lower the blimp went it looked like the kraken was just toying with it.
Well fuck, Jordan and Dick said at the sametime. The kraken had already dragged the
zeppelin under water, and was getting ready to pop it.Wrapping its other tentacles around the
flying device it squeezed as hard as it could.
BAM!, The kraken had popped the zeppelin causing a tsunami wave with the giant
release of hydrogen gas. The wave grew in size as it approached the shore where Dick, and
Jordan were wading in the water. Crashing down the wave picked up Jordan, and Dick flinging
them into air at least a mile from the ground.
Were going to die, jordan yelled hysterically as he flew higher, and higher up.
Not if I can help it, A man in a gray trench coat said as he appeared behind Dick, and
3 Zeppelins:
1.) The coolest word you can give for a woman's breasts
2.) A flying vehicle that is, basically, a gigantic oval balloon filled with Helium (first Hydrogen
was used but it was really dangerous so it was switched to helium),with a passenger cabin and
an engine part attached to it.
A very interesting flying device that was popular in the beginning of the 20th Century, but
unfortunately, lost its popularity because it was replaced by planes, which were much faster and
safer, and because of the crash of the Hindenburg Zeppelin in the 20's.

pg.19

Jordan. Grabbing Dick around the arm, and the man reached for Jordan. Well fuck, The man
said as he missed Jordans hand, and Jordan plummeted back to earth.
The friction in the air was pulling Jordan skin taut to his skull. Smashing into concrete
Jordan felt his bones turn to dust on contact, AUGH! The earth buckled under his impact
creating yet another giant crater. His blood was everywhere, and bones were sticking out of his
body at weird angles.
You arent looking in the best shape but, at least your still alive, The man wearing a
gray trench coat from said. Now lets see what I can do about that mangles body of yours.
Grabbing one of Jordans he pulled it straight shoving he bones back inside. The pain was too
much for Jordan he passed out. Working on the rest of Jordans body the man shoved bones back
in, and aligned them so they could heal. Picking up what looked like a crushed kidney the man
shook his head, I am not sure if you can regenerate kidneys, or not. Throwing the crushed
organ his shoulder the man wiped his blood soaked arms down the front of his robe.
Is he going to live, Dick asked as he approach the not as ,mangled body.
Sure he will live but, there is some irreversible brain damage, and a missing kidney.
Besides that he could get hit by a Prius, and wake up five minutes later no harm done.
Well, thats a relief, Dick looked around trying to avoid eye contact. Now all we have
to do is smash that kraken.
I volunteer the newbie he cant really die if he gets his face smashed in, the robed man
said with a slight smirk.
Come on, Christian even I dont think that is the brightest idea, Dick said.
pg.20

Well do you feel like risking your life. Dick just stood there not saying a word. Thats
what I thought, Christian said as walked over, and started to shake Jordan. Wakey wakey time
to face a giant human centipede kraken thingey.
Yawn, Why cant you just let sleep.
Dick help me out over here, Christian had grabbed Jordan under one arm, and was
dragging him. Ok, so here is the plan i'll throw Jordan into the air, and you can kick him at the
kraken.
I still dont think, Dick was cut short as Christian threw Jordan into the air.
DO IT!, Christian yelled as the threw Jordan into the air.
Dick brought his leg back, and swung it forward yelling, Falcon Kick! The kick landed
in Jordans ribs. Dick could feel Jordans ribs give way under the kick. Jordan was sent sailing
into the air towards the kraken.
Putting his hand above his eyes to shield them from the sun Christian said, Looks like
you fucked it up, Dick.
Really how can you tell, Dick replied.
Just watch, Dick.
Why me?, Jordan yelled as he flew through the air.
In response the kraken brought one of its tentacles out of the water swatting Jordan out
of the air like a fly, ARGUUHHHHH!

pg.21

Well, I think the kraken just made Jordan his bitch, Christian said from his viewpoint a
safe distance away from the kraken.
I agree completely, and without any sort of argument, was all Dick could say in
response.
After being smashed into the water Jordan could tell most of his bones had been broken
yet again, and the kraken was still coming after him. The kraken dove into the water after Jordan
wrapping one of its tentacle around him squeezing the air out of his lungs. Still not done with
him yet the kraken resurface with an unconscious Jordan. Bringing back its tentacle it swung
forward flinging Jordan high into the air. Jordans limp body flew higher than ever before miles
up in the air crashing back down in the same crater as before.
Christian put his hands to his face, What a fucking idiot he is in worse shape than
before. Grabbing Jordans destroyed body for a second time. Christian got to work straightening
all his bones, and reconnecting missing body pieces. Ok. Dick do it for me just one more time I
have an idea, aim for the krakens head.
Dick looked fearful, but complied,Ok just once more. Throwing Jordan up again Dick
brought his leg back, and followed through, Falcon Kick! Jordan was sent flying through the
air all over again, but this time his body was aimed at the krakens head. The kraken raised its
tentacle to swat the pest out of the air a second time when it noticed its entire appendage was
missing, and a man dressed in gray was standing on the stub waving at it. Jordan hit the kraken
directly in the eye breaking through. He hit the krakens brain turning it to mush, and exited out
the back of its skull.

pg.22

My god that fucking hurt, The kraken yelled out before its body began dissolving into
human centipedes that drowned each other in the water as they got tied around each other.
Wait did it just, Christian started before being cut off by Dick.
I have no idea what youre talking about, Dick yelled. La~La~La, I didnt just hear a
giant kraken yell that it fucking hurt.
Scratching his head Christian decided it was best to just leave it be. Well that was
entertaining while it lasted, Christian said as he sat down in the grass.
What are you doing relaxing we still have to go, and put Jordan back together again,
Dick yelled at Christian.
You mean this Jordan, Christian said patting a bloody mangled body that was Jordan.
How did you
Dick was cut off as Christian began speaking, If it werent for my teleportation ability
he would be sleeping with the fishes as the mafia like to say. I must compliment you on that
amazing kick you have though Dick. You sent Jordan flying all the way to the edge of my range.
If he went any farther he would have sunk to the bottom of the Pacific ocean. That should end
our conversation. Laying back in the grass Christian got relaxed.
Well arent you going to put his body back together again?
What, I was planning on leaving him like that for a while while I took a nap but, If you
insist, Christian straighten most of the bones in Jordans body except his right legs. There now
he cant make a run for it while I take a nap, Laying down in the grass he fell asleep the

pg.23

moment his head hit the ground.

What kind of people do I hang around with, Dick said to himself rubbing his face with
exhaustion. Looking down Dick noticed there was still a hole where his dick was supposed to be.
Looking to see if anyone was around he took Jordan pants, and put them on,If Christians right
about the irreversible brain damage. He will never tell the difference. Pulling his cellphone out
Dick started dialing a number. Yes, Fast Cabs me, and two other passengers need to be picked
up at the end of.
A van pulled up next to him almost running him over. Rolling down the window the
driver said, Jimmy Johns I mean Fast cabs at your service, Where are headed sir?
First of all, I have a small request. I need you to help me load those two into the car,
Dick said pointing at Christian, and Jordan.
Sure, I thought you were going to ask me to give you a blow job for a second there. I do
those too if youre wondering. Dick cringed at this last comment, and backed away. Popping
open the car door car door the driver got to work. Dragging Jordans body acrossed the ground,
and threw it into the back of the car. waking up Christian, Dick helped him over to the car
throwing him in the back seat with Jordan.
Dick sat down in the front seat next to the driver shrugging his shoulder, Arent you
going to ask any questions about whats going on here?
I learned it is better not to know most of the time, the driver said shaking his head.
Now, where am I taking you?
Just get us to this address in one piece, and ill pay you handsomely, Dick said as he
pg.24

handed a small piece of paper to the driver. Ill also take that blow job service, I havent been
getting any at home in a while. It most likely was all Batmans fault but, I solved that problem. I
riddled that bastard like swiss cheese, Noticing he was still in the car talking to a complete
stranger he clamped his mouth shut.
Dont worry about it like I said better not to know. By the way I am available but, it is
gonna cost you, smiling the driver flooring the gas pedal, and the car took off into the night.

Centipedes!!!
Waking up in his own bed Jordan thanked the gods that was all just a bad dream. Rolling
over he pulled the covers off to find he was wearing crotchless pants kinky, but is still wasnt that
unnatural. Getting up Jordan ran through his morning routine brushing his teeth, taking a shower,
and making a quick breakfast. Setting down two plates of food on the table. Jordan turned to go
wake up his fiance when Christian popped out of thin air.

pg.25

Came to see how you're holding up apparently pretty well, he said as he sat down at the
table, and dug in.
What, Jordan dropped to his knees, and passed out. Christian just kept eating until he
had cleaned his plate, and moved onto the next. Wiping his mouth on the tablecloth he got up
from the table. Smacking Jordan acrossed the face a few times. He Jordan shook him until he
woke up.
Im Aaawwake, Jordan shoved himself away from the man who kept shaking him.
What the hell was that for, Jordan gasped for breath.
Standing up Christian threw a badge to Jordan, As of today you were assign as my
partner. Usually a group would consist of anywhere from eight to ten member, but I prefer to
work alone. The only reason I am working with you is you cant die very easily if I neglect you.
Clapping his hands as if to mark the conversation as closed Christian walked into the living
room, and crashed down on the couch.
Following him into the living room Jordan started asking questions, So, what is our
groups name?
Well before you joined. It was the vanilla team but, after you joined I had to change it to
the vanilla tag team, Turning his face towards the back of the couch Christian closed his eyes.
Well, Jordan let the word die out.
Rolling over to look Jordan in the eye Christian yelled,Would you shut your mouth
you're just as annoying as you were back in high school.

pg.26

Jordan sat there stunned for a moment, I intentionally tried to forget you people after I
left high school.
How could you do that after what Cody did to us, Christian said as he shivered.
Well you cant blame me for trying. I dont even want to be part of all this. Why do I
always get the short end of the stick.
Christian started cough to extremely fake, Thats what she said.
Ignoring the last comment Jordan continued, What exactly is vanilla anyways?
Looking Jordan straight in the eyes with a straight face Christian responded blandly, Its
a nazi revivalist group.
Shoving his face into his hands Jordan mumbled, What the hell have I got myself into?
Stretching himself out, Christian got comfortable again on the couch. I still cant believe we
beat up that giant kraken yesterday.
What do you mean we me, and Dick just used you as ammunition. On your own you
were completely useless, Christian said to the back of the couch. The fight wasnt even over
when we left. After we took off another kraken ten times bigger than the kraken that was ten
times bigger than the first kraken appeared. They had to call in the air force to finish the job. The
air force had to carpet bomb the thing three, or four times before it finally turned back into
centipedes, and drowned.
How come with all of this shit happening I never heard about any of it before joining
vanilla?

pg.27

Oh, thats an easy question to answer, Christian said as he turned around, and sat up. It
all has to do with government conspiracies, and covert cover ups that I am not at liberty to tell
you anymore about. Looking Jordan in the eyes he broke out laughing, Oh my god, this is
great. I cant believe you, I bet you believed that line of pure bullshit, and stereotypes that I was
spewing.
Youre such a dick I cant believe you!, Jordan yelled at Christian as he continued to
laugh uncontrollably on the couch.
Wiping a tear from his eye Christian quieted his laugh, No, Im not a dick if you want to
know a real dick you should go talk to Dick. Did you know that people used to call him Captain
Falcon then everyone started calling him Dick without even knowing it was his first name? That
guy is such a dick that people call him a dick to his face. Raising a hand he conjured a beer
from the air tipping in toward he said, True story, bro.
How did you do that, Jordan said pointing at the beer that had appeared out of thin air
right before his eyes.
Taking a sip Christian leaned back in the seat, Im a wizard Harry.
My name isnt Harry its Jordan, Jordan said with a blank stare.
Sorry about that I get real life, and movie references mixed up when I start drinking.
Throwing the beer it arched in the air then disappeared.
So, anyways you're really a wizard like the magical kind, Jordan asked as he imitated
the kamehameha motion from dragonball.

pg.28

Yes, like the magical kind, Christian said with a slightly sarcastic tone as he decided it
was best to get comfortable. Anytime someone found out he was a wizard they asked him tons of
questions.
How did you become a wizard?
I dont really feel comfortable answering that question, turning his head to the
Christian tried to avoid eye contact. Jordan wouldnt give up that easily where Christian looked
Jordan appeared after a few minutes of this he gave up, Fine I became a wizard by keeping my
virginity till I was twenty-five, and later that same night I laid a hooker getting rid of it for
good.
Oh, thats all, Jordan said losing interested in the conversation as more time passed by.
"Keeping my virginity through college meant something to me. How many wizards do
you see running around nowadays? Even back in the medieval ages there were only a few
witches, and wizards. Humans are like dogs in heat even if you told them you can have amazing
powers if you don't get laid until you're twenty-five. Most of the human population would still
get laid anyways."
"Why are you talking, so high and mighty? You only have magical powers because, god
felt sorry for your unfuckable ass," Jordan clamped his hands over his mouth. He had no idea
where that came from. It was already too late to take it back.
Christian was already curled up on the couch sobbing into his knees, "There's no need to
be such a dick about it Harry."
"My name is Harry. I mean Jordan god dammit now you even have me saying it. Stop
pg.29

being such a crybaby, and pull yourself together," There he goes being a dick again.
"There you going being a dick again," Christian said between sobs and sniffles.
"Look i'm trying to be a dick to you it's just..."
"Oh my god, The look on your face was priceless you had no idea what to do," Christian
said as he fell to the floor laughing, and betting the floor with the other hand.
"Wait, just moment ago you were crying your eyes out how did you?"
"I'm a wizard Har...I mean Jordan. It was all an illusion from when you asked me the
question about how I became a wizard until I started laughing, and lost control. It was so
priceless. The look on your face made my day. As you watched a grown man crying his eyes out,
and couldnt do anything about it. Oh my god, that is priceless." Wiping tears from his eyes he
settled down finally.
Wait a minute, A thought crossed Jordan mind as he looked down at his clean shirt.
How am I clean you guys shot me through a krakens head?
Oh, that one is easy too. Dick gave you a good scrubbing last night.
Wait, he did what?
With overly exaggerated words as if explaining it to a complete retard Christian said,He
took a sponge, and he scrubbed you down. It is really simple to understand if you put any
thought into it.
Jordan looked dumbstruck holding his body in his arms. Jordan whispered quietly, I can

pg.30

never get married now.

What are you two talking about, Dick was now breathing down Jordans neck.
How the fuck did you, Jordan yelled as he rolled out from under Dick breath.
Christian did you teleport him in? You son of bitch.
No, I just used the front door, Dick said pointing to the wide open front door. Walking
over, and shutting the front door Jordan rested his back against it. It must be that time of the
month, Dick said as he turned to Christian. You two have been assigned a new task as of today
onwards you will be working on this case, Reaching into his trench coat Dicks hand emerged
holding a vanilla colored envelope. Throwing it onto the table Dick turned around, and headed
for the door. Unless you want me to stick around longer then you need to let me out, Dick said
as he gave Jordan the most disgusting wink to ever have existed.
No, you are free to leave anytime you want, Jordan said as a shiver went up his spine.
stepping away from the door Jordan grabbed Dick around the collar of his shirt shoving him
through the door, and kicking it behind him.
Playing hard to get I see, Dick said as he stood outside the door for a moment longer
relishing Jordans presence. Turning he jogged down the steps to his car. Opening the door to his
car Dick hoped inside. Closing the car door Dick took off down the road, and out of sight.
Back inside the house Christian was rubbing his hands together ready to crack open the
envelope, and check out the contents. Opening the top flap of the envelope he reached inside,
and reaching inside. Christian pulled the contents out scattering them across the table. Looking
over the contents for a moment he reached down picking up a single sheet of paper. Turning the

pg.31

paper to face Jordan he said, We went to highschool with this guy right?
Looking over the paper Jordan nodded grimly, I saw him just yesterday when he
kidnapped my wife in the back of a giant creature made of people.
Well this might work out perfectly. We got assigned your case that might give you some
incentive to work hard, A grin split across his cheeks as he finished.
How can my life get any worse, Jordan asked himself while rubbing his temples.
Well if this information is correct. You could let your wife be devoured by dozens of
human centipedes.
You dont have to remind me that I only have a little over forty-eight hours left to save
her, Jordan yelled in frustration.
Standing up, and getting into Jordan face Christian yelled back, I sort of do, this entire
morning you have spend talking to me instead of hunting her down. Does she mean so little to
you that you arent even going to try and save her?
What can I do against Cody? He has all those unnatural creatures that can swallow me
whole, Jordan retorted as the blood rose in his face.
Grabbing Jordan by the shirt by the shirt Christian dragged him out the door, and into the
street. Throwing Jordan to the ground he yelled, You keep talking about what you cant do how
about I show you what can do. Eat this! The moment Christian finished a small meteor crashed
into the earth smashing Jordan to smithereens. Gathering up Jordans loose body parts he began
assembling his body. As the piece were stuck together the gaps sealed almost instantly.

pg.32

Jordan started yelling as soon as his body was back together in one piece again, Why the
fuck did you have to take it that far?
I had to teach you a lesson, and I decided to take some of my anger out on you at the
sametime. May I just say that body of yours makes you an amazing human punching bag.
Thats not a very funny joke. It was just plain bad Christian.
Putting his hand to his heart, and looking at the ground Christian responded, I think a
part of me died when I made that joke. Pulling hand away from his heart, and eyes from the
ground he said, This reminds me of when we were back in highschool.
Cracking a smile Jordan said, Dont remind me of those terrible days. Going through
highschool with you, Morgan, and Cody was hell.
Well, I remember back in highschool you had the hots for a certain red head was that
hell as too, Christian said as he cracked a grin at his own bad joke.
When I met you the first thought I had was what level of hell am I on?
Pulling up in a white van a man yelled out the window, "Oh my god, that was so, rad.
How did you guys do that?
Taking a few steps forward Christian said, "Let me show you something Dick taught me
called the memory wiper. The only side effects are long term brain damage." Bringing his right
hand over his left shoulder. Christian flung his hand forward bashing the random man across the
face, "Bitch slap4!
4 Bitch slap~
As distinguished from the more common "pimp slap", a bitch slap is preceded by ample
forewarning and delivered with a flourish or exaggerated post-blow hip movements. Nonetheless,

pg.33

What have you done, Jordan could feel the draining from his face. You just assaulted a
civilian.
Opening the drivers side door, and dragging the man limp body from the car Christian
said, Im above the law. Pulling the man to the edge of the road he kicked the mans body
down a bumpy hill. Looks like we found our ride, Christian said hopping into the front seat.
We are breaking so, many laws right now I dont even want to think about it, Jordan
said pulling his hair.
You have two choices, Christian said putting up two finger. Once, you get in the car,
and we leave to find Cody. Two, I leave you here to explain this to the authorities. If you come
with me right now Dick will cover this all up.
Wait for me, Jordan said as he jumped into the passenger side of the white van.
Seatbelts so, we can be safe, Christian said buckling his seatbelt. Ah fuck, He took the
keys out of the ignition when he parked.
Cant you just conjure some keys out of air, or something.
Its not that simple but, I can so this. Reaching under the dashboard Christian ripped
out a hand full of cords. Now lets see here if I put this one to this it should. Its alive the car
turned over, and roared to life.
How many laws are we going to break in a hour, Jordan said face palming himself.

the blow is firm and may involve an open forehand or backhand. Most of the time it is a backhand
unless the situation doesnt permit.

pg.34

Look at me Jordan, Grabbing Jordans head he forcefully turned it to look at him.

Look at how many, Conjuring a pair of sunglasses out of thin air he put them on. Fucks I
give! Flooring the gas Jordan, and Christian took off on their adventure to find Cody.
So how are we going to find Cody, Jordan asked.
We are going to look for a giant centipede made of humans. Oh, looky over theres,
Christian said pointing at a giant human centipede wrapping itself around a skyscraper.
Reaching the top of the skyscraper. The human centipede constricted demolishing the
skyscraper, ARGUUHHHHH! Glass, and blood filled the air as the skyscraper fell crushing
the passenger side of the white van along with Jordan.
Well, thank god I didnt let him drive, Christian said wiping some sweat from his brow.
H..e.l...p., Jordans voice died away under the rubble of the skyscraper. All of a
sudden the uncrushed half of the van lifted into the air. Looking down Christian could see the
van was riding on the back of a centipede like creature.
Longtime no see Christian, so what have you been up to, Cody said as he rode up on
another centipede.
Nothing much really, bought a trench coat, fucked your wife, and killed your kraken, so
hows your time without me been?
Centipedes crush him. He bores me with his pure idiocy. Wrapping themselves around
the van, the human centipedes constricted crushing the van into a tiny ball. Well, that was way
too easy, Cody said a little disappoint at how easily Christian died.

pg.35

What was too easy, Christian asked sitting on the centipede next to Cody.
Wait, what you should be in the how did you, nevermind that. Just hold still while I
give you a... Cow bite5!, Grabbing Christians thigh Cody clamped down as hard as he could.
Ow!, Christian yelled as he leapt away off the end of the human centipede. Falling
through the air he concentrated teleporting himself behind Cody. Poking Cody in the shoulder he
said, Cody you know what?
What?
Titty twister6, Reaching out Christian grabbed both Codys nipples twisting them
inward. Pulling back he ripped Codys nipples completely off.
Aughhh!, Cody yelled as he started to bleed from the cavities where his nipples had
once been.
Stop being such a baby all I did was detach your nipple.
Crying to himself Cody asked,Wh..why?
Well you started it when you cow bite my leg. It was all downhill from there till I ripped
your nipples off.
5Cow bite~
1.The act of making your hand like a cow's mouth and squeezing the life out of a victim's thigh.
The Signature move of Cody Schmucker.
2.The act in which you grab a female's vagina and twist as hard as you can.

6 Titty twister~
Pain! Especially if you:
A- a woman whose period is fast approaching
B- a really, really fat dude
Executed by grabbing your foe's nipple and twisting it with all your might. If done successfully, the
foe usually ends up crying like a titty-baby.

pg.36

You brought this upon yourself Christian, Cody said as he reached behind Christian,
and got a hand on his underwear. I wish we could have stayed friend, but it finally all ends here,
and now. Wedgie twister7! Wrapping his other arm around Christians neck Cody picked him up
off the ground by his underwear. Swinging in a three-hundred-sixty degree circle Cody pulled
tighter as he spun. Finishing the spin Cody let go of Christians neck. and underwear throwing
him high into the air.
Im really getting tired of how cheesy my power is getting, Concentrating Christian
teleported himself behind Cody again. Cody you have forced my hand now I have to punch a
dick in the bitch8. Outstretching his hand his Christian summoned Codys wife.
Wait what are you planning on doing to my wife?
This, Bring back one hand, Christian brought it forward smashing Codys wife across
the face, and sending her to what seemed like her death. Until Jordan got out from under the
rubble, and broke her fall, Well that didnt work out as well as I planned.
What the hell were you trying to do, Cody was fuming with anger.
I justed punched a dick in the bitch thats the only logical thing, I could think of to do.
What are you going to do about it?

7 Wedgie Twister~
The act of locking a bent over person's head under your arm, lifting them from behind, by pulling
their boxers/underwear towards yourself, and spinning them continuously in one direction. The
increase in centripetal force equals the increase of the pitch in your friends voice, which also
increases your own evil laughter.

8 punch a dick in the bitch~

When a guy is being such a dick the only logical response is hitting his wife or girlfriend in the
face.

pg.37

Christian, you have now forced me to retaliate as well. Human centipede come to me,
Cody said raising his hands in the air.
ARGUUHHHHH!, human centipedes came barreling in from all direction leaving
wakes of destruction in their path. Looking at them Christian could tell there were at least fifty of
them.
So, you think you can survive this one Christian? Dropping his hands the human
centipede began to swarm Christian.
I got this, easily. Grabbing a butane lighter out of his pocket Christian yelled,
Charizard9 He then proceeded to blow into the lighter as flames sprang forth burning all the
centipedes pubic hair from their bodies. Falling to the ground the centipedes died miraculously
YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BADGES TO TRAIN ME!, he said as he whipped his arms around in
the air.
Well fuck, I planned on those guys lasting a while. One moment I have to call for back
ups, Whistling into the wind Cody stood back, and waited.
Well while we wait I am going to go get Jordan.
Fine by me, and while youre down there... Cody said as he shrugged. Teleporting
down to the ground Christian found both Codys wife, and Jordan laying in a heap on the group.
Throwing Codys wife to the side Christian got down to business reconnecting Jordans head to
9 Charizard~
1. While having sex with a girl with pubic hair, light her pubes on fire as you ejaculate. Your
semen will put out half of the burning hair, and afterwards while she is flapping her arms about
wildly, scream: "YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BADGES TO TRAIN ME!" and run out of the room.
2. The same as the above without the semen, and fire being put out. Just let it BURN!

pg.38

his shoulders. Snapping the spine back in place he was done.

Ok, im done Clapping his hands Christian teleported back to Codys side.
There theyre over there, Cody said pointing to a giant dust cloud. Gather round my children!
Ready your breakfast, and eat hearty... For tonight, We dine in hell!
Except, they probably already ate breakfast, and it is only afternoon, Christian said criticizing
Cody.
Fuck it, just devour him, as Cody finished a human centipede unearthed from the ground
underneath Christian. Sliding down the centipede the monster throat Christian could feel himself
going from one body to the next as he ripped through the centipedes organs. Ripping out the
anus of the centipede Christian was completely unharmed. How did you manage to pull that
off, Cody asked in partial astonishment.
I used my magic, Christian said while waving his hand in the air like a wand. I may be
perfectly fine, but I can't say the same for that creatures anuses. Looking over at the centipede
he could see the centipedes anus was stretched, and bleeding.
Why cant you just act like a normal human being for once in your life, Christian. That is so
disgusting I cant even look at it, Cody put his hands in front of his eyes to shield them from the
terrible sight. How could you do that to my child? I thought we were friends, Cody said while
he nearly vomited with the effort.
Waking up Jordan had a stretched, and bleeding ass hole in his face, Oh my god, Who did this!
Curling up in a ball Jordan vomited all over himself, and began sobbing at his fucked up life.
Jordan, Smash! Jumping into the air he grabbed Cody by the front of his shirt dragging him to
pg.39

the ground. Switching his grip Jordan grabbed Cody by the back of the head dragging him
acrossed concrete. How about you let me help with that, Christian said as he pulled the lighter
from his pocket. Charizard!, blowing into the fire it danced in a line around Codys body
burning the pubic hair from his body. Walking up to Cody, Jordan pinched his nose shut cutting
off all oxygen. Cody could feel his consciousness slipping from lack of oxygen, until he passed
out.

Santas Shit List

Oh my god, that was amazing it was so cool, but he got away dang it Jordan was
jumping around with excitement.
If you stick around we can do even more stuff like that, and who cares about a low level
criminal like him Christian said as he yawned.
We still didnt manage to find my wife, Jordan sat down as his thoughts went back to
her.
Dont worry about it, she is replaceable, and we should have plenty of time to find her
anyways.
Ya, we still have a day, and a half, thats plenty of time, Jordan said with an
exaggerated sarcastic tone. Getting up Jordan stretched, So, what do we do now?

pg.40

We just sit back, and relax we tapped his cell phone, wired his entire house, and placed a
tracking chip in his...
In his ear if I remember right, Jordan said after a moment.
Yeah, thats where we put it, Christian wasnt so sure but he decided to just agree with
Jordan. In vanilla it wasnt come practice to put the tracker in the ear. They took a more oral
approach to things. Getting up Christian waved to Jordan, Ill be back, I have some work to
finish up. Poof, he was gone again in the blink of an eye. Christian reappeared in a dark alley in
front of a pair of double doors. Pushing open the doors he walked inside. All you could hear was
the sound of his shoes hitting the ground as he walked across the room, thats how quiet it was.
Turning from the monitor in front of her the desk attendant said, Hello sir, how may I be
of assistance?
Lets see I could use a back rub, foot massage, and a blow job while your at it,
Christian said putting a finger up with each statement.
You can pass, Reaching under the desk the attendant pressed a button. The wall behind
her split open revealing a steep staircase leading deep underground. Slipping behind the desk
Christian jogged down the stairs for a few moments. The air seemed to get colder the lower he
went. With his thin frame when he reached the bottom he felt like was freezing. Reaching
forward he put his hand to the handle, and twisted. Opening the door, he was greeted with a
extremely cold burst of air.
Come in, and shut the door behind you. your letting the hot are in, said an extremely
round man wearing red suede with white trim, and a long white beard. Walking inside Christian

pg.41

shut the door behind himself.

Sir, I would like to ask you for my christmas present early, Christian said the cold air
burning his lungs as he took a breath.
Ho ho ho! You know I cant do that Christian, its against the rules of christmas, The
man said as he stroked his long white beard.
Fifty bucks says you can break the rules, Christian said pulling some money out of his
wallet.
Well, if you put it like that being Santa is an unpaid job. I guess, I can bend the rules to
help out a friend, but you wont be getting anything christmas morning got that.
I can deal with that. Magician have to have each others backs after all, Christian said
placing his money on Santas desk.
This way please, Pulling a key from around his neck Santa placed it in the same door
Christian came through. Twisting the knob the door opened to reveal a christmassy scene of pure
joy. Candy canes hanging from tassel, Christmas trees everywhere, and Santas little works
getting down to business working on this years batch of Christmas presents.
So where is my present at, Looking around Christian didnt see anything that looked
like what he wanted.
This way we keep all the finished presents in piles based on alphabetical order, Turning
Santa lead Christian around the workshop to the closest exit. Opening the door Santa said, Your
present is somewhere in that. Pointing to a gigantic pile of present Santa shoved him forward,

pg.42

Well have fun finding it.

Wait, I have to go through that for my present, Christian said pointing to the giant pile.
A lot of kids wouldnt mind of bit of physical labor to get their presents early, Santa
said raising his eyebrows.
Fine, I get it, Rolling back the sleeves of his trench coat. Christian got down to
business searching for his present. Climbing over presents Christian found the H section of the C
pile. His present had to be around here somewhere, he thought to himself. Would you mind if I
called in some help finding my present, Christian yelled back to Santa.
Sure, just make sure you dont fuck shit up. If you destroy any of those presents, some
poor little boy, or girl wont be getting their christmas present this year because, we are behind
schedule as is.
Got it, Christian said not even listening to what Santa said after he got the ok.
Concentrating he thought who would be dumb enough to do manual labor for free then Jordan
appeared in front of him with a pop.
What is this, Jordan said as he looked at the pile of wrapped boxes.
Hohoho, youre at Santas workshop in the north pole, Santa answered.
Jordan, I need your help over here. Im looking for a box with my name on it.
Sure, Jordan said as climbed up to where Christian was standing.
Ive searched from here over so, look over in that area, Christian said as he slowly slid

pg.43

away. Making sure Jordan was looking for the present Christian slunk away. Making it a safe
distance away he stretched out, and waited for Jordan to find the box for him.
I found it, Jordan yelled across the pile of presents, waving a slim box in the air over
his head. Rolling off the presents, Christian jogged over to where Jordan was standing. Licking
his lips, Christian began ripping the gift wrap off his present. As he ripped more paper from the
present, Jordan began leaning over his shoulder to get a peek at what it was.
Throwing his hands above his head Christian was holding a stick, Thank you, Santa!
Waving The stick around Jordan was in the unfortunate vicinity to be busted in the face.
No problem, Santa said walking up behind them. Now get out of my workshop the
exit is just through there. Giving them a push Santa sent them on their way. Reaching the
bottom of the presents Jordan tripped over a present. Tick tick tick, a timer suddenly appeared
on the side of the box, and began a countdown.
Oh my god bomb, at the last second Christian teleported himself a safe distance into
the wintery wastelands around Santas workshop. A giant mushroom cloud took the place where
Santas workshop once stood. No way Jordan could live through that im out of here.
Rolling over, Jordan felt like he had just had the weight of a building crash down on him
because, he had. Getting to his feet Jordan took a deep breath, and shivered the air was freezing.
What have you done, Santa forced out from under a pile of rubble as blood dripped from his
mouth. Running to his side, Jordan began ripping away pieces of rubble. Moving the last piece
rubble Jordan could see a rusty pipe piercing Santas heart. Im done for, and so are you now.
You are going to freeze to death out here you son of a bitch. I told you specifically to not fuck

pg.44

shit up... Closing his eyes, Santa died. Santas body began to shrivel up right before Jordans
eyes leaving behind his clothes. Well I dont want to die from pneumonia, Jordan said as he
grabbed Santas clothes from the ground, and began slipping them on. As he slid Santas clothes
they formed to his size, they were a perfect fit. Itching back Jordan felt a piece of paper slip into
his hand it read, You are now Santa. P.S. Your predecessor says, fuck you. Fuck me, what next
am I going to be hit by a ice cream truck with bells falling from the sky.
Jordan could hear bells somewhere above him ,and they were coming closer quickly, Oh
god, please dont kill me. Landing in front of him, and kicking up snow, eight reindeer were
pulling a large sleigh. What nice animals, Reaching out his hand to pet one of the reindeer,
Jordan somehow managed to piss it off. Charging forward the reindeer dragged the rest behind it
trampling Jordans face into the ground. Feeling another itch, Jordan reached under his arm, and
pulled out another sheet of paper this time it read, P.S.S. Reindeer dont like to be pet. Getting off
the ground Jordan dusted snow off himself, then am I at least allowed to ride in the sleigh.
Sure, hop on, one of the reindeer said in a deep black mans voice.
Wait, you can talk?
Ya, we can talk. We are magical animals after all, humans are so, stereotypical, the
same reindeer responded this time in even deeper, and blacker voice voice. Jordan felt yet
another reaching into the front of his pants he searched for a piece of paper but, there wasnt any
then yet another itch formed by his ankle, reaching down Jordan pulled a piece of paper from his
sock.
This paper was different from the rest it was written in a girls handwriting, and it read as

pg.45

follows, If you want a good blowjob you should drop by tonight. Feeling yet another itch
Jordan reached behind his ear, and pulled another paper like the last one out. The paper read,
Sorry about that last letter, it was meant for someone else.
Aughh, I realily wanted a blow job, Jordan said out loud as he finished the note.
You, and me both nigga, The reindeer said as he stick a cigarette in his mouth using his
hooves.
Lets fry this popsicle stand, Jordan said hopping into the slay, and grabbing the
reins.Whipping the reins the reindeer took off into the air. The cold air got even colder the higher
he went, the air was having the same effect as a cold shower10. Looking out over the edge of the
sleigh Jordan said, How are we already in town?
Its magic bitch, The reindeer yelled in unison.
Hey my house is over there you can just drop me off, Jordan said pointing at a shabby
hut.
No problem, boss, The lead reindeer with the deep black voice said. The sleigh veered
to the side, and the reindeer made a steep descent. Pulling up at the last second the sleigh scraped
across Jordans roof ripping some shingling off, and demolishing the chimney. Hopping from the
sleigh Jordan waved the reindeer off, sending them on their way. Looking around it finally hit
him he was stuck on his roof, Oh wait, he could just jump off. Backing up Jordan got a running
start before jumping off his roof onto concrete. Getting back Jordan walked up to his house, and
10 Cold shower~
When a guy is in the shower and masturbates to relieve his sexual frustration.
(cleanest way ever...)

pg.46

went inside.
Hello there, Christian said straightening himself on the couch, and stuffing a bag of
chips behind his back. I didnt think you were dead, and leave your body in the antarctic to
freeze.
Can you just let me relax for awhile before forcing me to do something retarded?
Actually, I cant Cody just declared he is going to take over the world, and im loving
the new get up, Christian said with a completely straight face.
Shoving his face into his hands Jordan recited his favorite words, Oh god! Pulling his
face from his hands Jordan got up, Lets do this then so, I can take a nap, and im only wearing
this because im Santa.
Got it, so nothing too surprising, Getting up from the couch Christian grabbed his new
stick, and Jordans arm. Concentrating he teleported Jordan, and himself to Codys house. Jordan
just stood there with a bewildered look on his face. Were here to kidnap Codys wife,
Christian said before Jordan even asked a question. Walking up to the house Christian raped his
knuckles against.
Coming, could be heard from the other side of the door. The door clicked a few times
before revealing a women who Christian could only guess was of some relationship to Cody.
Reaching into his back pocket Christian grabbed out a moist rag. Shoving the reag into her face
he said, Miss does this smell like chloroform to you.
What does chloroform smell like, she asked pushing the rag away from her mouth.
Patting himself down Christians bottle of chloroform was gone what could he do now.
pg.47

Think, Christian think, I got it, Christian said out loud.

You have what, the girl in the door asked looking suspicious.
Staffed11!, grabbing his stick in both hands, Christian swung it round hitting the girl
square across the jaw. As the girl dropped to the ground Christian yelled out, Now that is the
power of a full fledged wizard! Magic bitch! Shaking his head Jordan resisted the urge to say
that hitting a girl acrossed the face with a stick, and knocking her unconscious isnt magic.
Jordan help me lug the body inside, Without being needed to be asked twice Jordan was
lugging the body inside. Once they were inside, Christian let go of her arms causing her head to
make a nasty thunk when it hit the floor.
Whos there, a voice came from around the corner. Christian shrugged to Jordan to
show him he didnt know what to do. Tossing Jordan his stick Christian snuck around the corner.
There was a series of grunts, and hits before someone came running around the corner. Sticking
out Christians stick Jordan tripped her. Falling to the floor she skidded smash her head into the
wall blood was dripping from a giant gash in her face.
Smooth move Ex lax, Christian said coming back around the corner with a bright red
slap mark across his face.
What was I supposed to do, Jordan said flustered at the turn of event.
You had one job Jordan, one job. You were supposed to stop her without killing her,

11 Staffed~
This happens when you hit a person in the mouth with a long hard object so hard with it
causes them to drop unconscious. Staffing can only be done by full fledges wizards. This move
is similar to the memory wiper, but is done with a long hard object such as a staff, or stick.
What did you think of talking about?

pg.48

simple as that. Now give me my staff back before you hurt yourself with it.
Ok here you, A Jordan was going to to the staff back a bolt of lightning shot from the
tip striking him in the chest.
See what you did, Wait a minute if you made my staff do that, then you must be
wizard.
Oh my god, im Santa does that make me a wizard?
How else would a fat guy get around the world delivering presents to every house in
twenty-four hours, and whats this business about you being Santa, Christian said as if this was
common knowledge.
Well, I guess when I blew up his workshop. He took a pipe through the heart, and died
so I got the job. Putting his hand out Christian gestured for his staff. Cant I just make you
another one, Jordan said pulling the staff back.
No, you cant holiday magic is tricky business. Unless you know what you are doing
basically youre a battery full of energy with no outlet. Now give me my staff back before you
get attached. Tossing the staff in the air Jordan moped about his magic abilities not being
useable.
What good is have magic powers with no outlets, Jordan said crossing his arms.
If you really want to learn a way to let out some magic I can show you but, im not
gonna be a pansy, Ill be going balls out12 because we dont have much time, Christian said
12 Balls out~
This refers to the governor on a steam engine. Two heavy balls are attached to the engine so
that as engine speed increases, the centrifugal force of the flywheel causes the balls to rise. As

pg.49

making a gropping motion with his hand.

Im good... Jordan said waving his hands in front of him.
Ok, lets get down to business then.
Wait what?
Shoving his hand forward Christian built a electrical charge, Taser! Taking Christians
taser to the stomach Jordan fell to the ground. Lets see what other low level outlets I know.
Please just stop, Jordan said still healing from the taser.
never! Raising his hand in the air Christian called on the power of magnetism. Knives,
forks, scissors, and some other metal object flew into the room embedding themselves in Jordan.
Decapitation, Christian yelled as Jordans head was rolling across the floor.
What the hell are you doing in my house, Cody said as he dropped his grocery bags in
the doorway. Oh my god, You got blood all over the mahogany, and there is a dead guy on my
carpet.
Why are you buying groceries, Christian said pointing at the grocery bags.
Mother alway said, that to succeed in being a badass motherfucker, you need to eat a
healthy breakfast. Grabbing Jordans head Christian shoved it back into place. Why are
degrading that dead body?
Hello there, Jordan said while he cracked his neck.
the balls top out, they govern (limit) the engine, thereby controlling maximum engine speed.
"Balls out," then, refers to running the engine at maximum speed.

pg.50

Oh my god, it isnt dead. Die you demonic, satan worshiping, evil speaker just stay
dead, Picking up a vase from the bloody mahogany table, Cody swung it around knocking
Jordans not fully connected head off. Losing his grip on the vase it slid from Codys hands
knocking out his front window. Running up Cody kicked Jordans head through the new hole he
made through his front window. Flying through the air Jordan was conscious of his surrounding.
He could see the car that was about to plow into him.
Why does it always have to be a god damn Prius, he thought to himself. Slamming into
his head the Prius front window was splattered with blood. Getting out of the car the driver ran
up kicking Jordans head back through the window at Cody. Whaam!, Jordans decapitated
head connected with Codys head, knocking him to the ground. Jordans head rebounded
reconnecting with his body slightly crooked. Grabbing his head Jordan twisted it to help realign
it before it healed completely.
Karmas a bitch, Jordan said while ripping his back off, and putting it back on.
What did I do to deserve this? Cody was rolling around on the ground in pain.
It would be easier to say what, you didnt do to deserve, Christian retorted to Cody.
What did you expect after sending your declaration of war?
I have no idea what you're talking about, Cody said still laying on the ground.
Im talking about this, Christian said while pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket.
After looking at the paper he had to take a double take. Scratching his head Christian said
looking a little embarrassed, Um, sorry sir it seems we had the wrong Cody what is your name
again?

pg.51

My name is Cody Schmucker, and yours are?

Wait a minute do you remember going to school with a Christian Gonzalez, and Jordan
Amick, Jordan asked.
Oh god, not you guys, I thought I got rid of you guys sophomore year. After we wrote
the book together freshman year I decided never to talk to you again, Cody said suddenly
getting a headache.
I remember that book, it was probably one of the most productive things I have ever
done. The only part of it I remember though is the part, you had me take out. You remember the
part about you, Rainey, and the human centipede, Christian said while grinning widely.
The only part I remember is the aftermath. Morgan, would have killed us all, if we
hadnt wiped her memory, Cody, Jordan, and Christian all shivered at the memory of what
Morgan had done to them after they gave her a copy of the book for her birthday.
I had a girlfriend until we showed her that book, Jordan said.
Me too, Rainey broke up with me the next day, Cody said.
Me three, Christian said. Cody, and Jordan both glared at Christian with a look of
disbelief. What I did have a girlfriend at some point in my life?
Right, Cody, and Jordan said in unison with a sarcastic tone.
Morgan, is going to be the death of us one day, Christian said in an obvious attempt to
change the conversation.

pg.52

She didnt hurt me that bad, She let me of pretty easily for what we did, Jordan
shrugged.
Well, she almost kill me, and Christian.
Ya, she was busy mauling your face while me, and Cody bleed out on the cafeteria floor.
Do you know how it feel to have your genital removed, and shoved up your ass, Christian said
beginning to cry.
We had to go to specialized to get them reattached. They still never worked the same
again.
Speak for yourself, I work perfectly fine, Christian said between sobs.
Well, you know what having your face bitten off by a ginger isnt the nicest experience
either. I couldnt really say no, now could I she threatened me with a knife!, Jordan shouted to
make sure his problems werent being overlooked.
Oh, Im so sorry, What! Are you kidding me she ripped me apart with her bare hands,
Cody shouted back spitting in Jordan face with each syllable.
I hope you liked it, Jordan coughed.
I didnt enjoy it at all, I bleed everywhere the floor was covered in blood. It wouldn't
stop, it was like a fountain spraying blood everywhere, Cody shouted, spitting out more saliva
in Jordans face.
Thats what she said, Christian said laughing, so hard his lungs hurt.

pg.53

I havent heard that in, so many years, Jordan said laughing just as hard.
You guys are reverting back to highschoolers. I can feel my maturity level dropping with
each word, Cody said facepalming himself.
I never really matured that much, so come at me bro, Christian said getting on his
tipping toes to match Codys height.
Look, I can get on my tippy toes too, Cody said getting on his tippy toes.
That joke was, so bad that I think part of my soul died, Christian said covering his
heart, and looking at the ground.
Wait a minute, werent you decapitated a minute ago, Cody said finally noticing Jordan
had his head back on.
Yes, Jordan said opening his eyes wide, and shaking his head vigorously with a
sarcastic tone.
How do you do that, Cody asked awestruck.
Oh, we get cool powers for being demonic, satan worshippers, Jordan said swiveling
his thumb between him, and Christian.
You heathens, Cody said grabbing Christian, and Jordan by the back of their necks as
he passed. If we hurry we might make it to the evening service at the church, Cody continued
as he dragged them through the house. Opening the garage door Cody dropped Christian, and
Jordan. Get in the car, he said snapping his fingers, and looking more menacing than usual.
Not needing to be told twice Christian, and Jordan jumped into the back seat as quick as the

pg.54

could snapping their seatbelts. Driving out of the garage, and two houses down. Cody turned into
a driveway, they were already at the church. Jumping out of the drive seat Cody made it to the
back seat. Grabbing Christian, and Jordan by the ear he dragged them to the front of the church
kicking, and screaming. Pressing the handicap button the front door popped open. As Christian,
and Jordan crossed the doorway into the church fire spread engulfing the church.
Running from the church Jordan, Christian, and Cody were as all screaming as the church
collapsed. You, are the anti-christ, Cody said pointing at Christian, and Jordan.
Wo, calm down what proof do you have, Christian said putting hands out in front of
him to show he meant no harm.
I have this proof, Pulling a bottle of hand sanitizer from his front pocket Cody splashed
it in Christians face. The hand sanitizer was in Christians nose, mouth, and eyes before he could
get his hands up to block it. Christians face felt like it was burning as he fell to the ground
screaming. See your skin burn from holy water, Cody said tucking away the empty hand
sanitizer bottle. As for you every good church goer knows demons like you are weak against
crosses, Pulling a cross from around his neck, the falling sunlight glinted off it making Jordan
shield his eyes against it. Give up now anti-christ, and ill end this quickly, Cody said lowering
the cross away.
Did I hear anti-christ, a voice came from the clouds above them. A hippy on a white
horse came flying out of the clouds with long brown hair, and beard whipping in the wind behind
him. I am jesus, the hippy said calmly, and with serenity. It is time for me to end this.
Stop, another voice shouted from the clouds.

pg.55

Too late, Jesus said as he smote Jordan down to ash.

What have you done he wasnt the anti-christi. Oh my god, Christian yelled pulling out
some of his hair.
What do you want, The clouds said.
Did you just kill me, Jordan said reforming from ash. Jesus was stunned at the
reappearance of Jordan, not even Satan himself should be able to survive being smote by him.
Im not in the best mood right now, so how about you chill, Jordan said blowing out a
miniature blizzard as he spoke. The freezing cold air wrapped around Jesus freezing the
hydrogen in the air, and effectively chilling him out.
Sorry about that my son can be a little retarded at times, God said reaching down a
giant golden arm, and grabbing the frozen Jesus.
Wait a minute, I thought god couldnt come into the human world because of impurities,
and sin, Christian said with furrowing his eyebrows. All of sudden it was completely silent
except for the still roaring fire from the burning church. Well who cares anyways, were already
damned anyways. Doesnt make any difference to me if god is a liar.
God is a god, he can do whatever the fuck he wants too, Cody said as he recovered
from shock.
Well you now have two options, Christian said putting two fingers up. You can either
join our top secret organisation called v.a.n.i.l.l.a, or we can kill you where you stand. Christian
teleported behind Cody to make his point. Taking a step forward Christians foot got entangled in
his trenchcoat. Falling to the ground Christian flung out his arms in an attempt to grab something
pg.56

stable. Christian felt his hand make contact with something, and dragged it to the ground with
him. Ends up he dragged Cody to the ground smashing his face into concrete. He doesnt look
so hot, Christian said as he got up, and dusted himself off.
What do you mean, he wasnt hot to begin with unless you swing that way, Christian,
Jordan said joking around. Taking a closer look Cody really wasnt looking very good at all.
Hell be fine he only broke some bones, Jordan said unsure.
An wambulance13 will come by, and pick him up later, so lets just leave him her for
now, Christian said turning tail, and walking away from the mess he had just caused. Getting to
his feet Cody fought his way over to Jordan, and Christian.
You guys always leave me out when your doing something fun this time im not getting
left out, Cody caught out with some effort. Slouching over Cody grabbed onto Christian to stop
him from taking off.
Ok, lets go then, snapping his fingers he teleported them to a dank jail. The ceiling
were dripping with a weird green ooze, and large rats scurried across the ground.
What are we doing here, Cody asked with a little bit of fear in his voice. Grabbing
Cody by the shirt Christian, and Jordan picked him up off the ground, and threw him into a jail
cell. I knew it you two cant be trusted, Cody said as the cell door closed behind him.
Well be back in about twenty-four hours to pick you up. see you then, Christian said
waving goodbye to Cody. With a snap of his finger he, and Jordan disappeared into thin air
reappearing instantaneously in Washington, DC. To be more specific they reappeared in the
13Wambulance~
The official motor vehicle to be called in response to bitch-like behavior.

pg.57

presidential cabinet bathroom with the president on the toilet. Just who I wanted to see. How
about you finish up there so we can get on the road, Christian said clapping his hands. The color
drained from the presidents face, he was scared shitless literally. You could hear it hit the water
as it flew out. Grabbing the president by the arm Christian dragged him from the toilet.
Splattering it with shit as the president was pulled up, and away in mid-shit. Snapping his fingers
Christian teleported away, and leaving Jordan behind.
Hello there Christian, evil Cody said as he rode up on the back of a human centipede.
Havent you learned by now the chaotic good guy usually wins at the cost of others,
Christian said throwing the president off to the side.
Centipedes kill the president. Snapping his fingers the centipedes descended devouring
the president.
Well fuck. Snapping his fingers Christian hauled ass out of there he wasnt sticking
around.
Sorry about that, Christian said seconds later as he reappeared by Jordan without the president.
Where did the president go, Jordan said pointing a Christian with a shaking hand.
Ugh He um sort of got trampled by a centipede the moment we got outside,
Christian said quietly as he scratching his partial beard. Jordan put he face into his hands, and
screamed.
Mr.President are you ok, a stern voice came from the other side of the bathroom door.
You just alert the guard that we are here, Christian said as he looked at Jordan as if her

pg.58

were completely, and utterly retarded.

Just get us out of here, Jordan said getting panicked. Focusing Christian snapped his
fingers, but nothing happened.
I think I used up the last of my magic reserves. If you give me a few minutes I can get us
out of here, Christian said also getting a little panicked.
Mr.president you havent responded if you are near the door please step back, Im
coming through, the same voice from early said as a seven foot tall buff guy kicked in the
bathroom door. Shards of the door splattered the walls, and stabbed Jordan in the eyes. Jordan
couldnt see a thing through the water welling up in his eyes.
Are you crying, Christian said mocking Jordan with a look of disbelief.
No, These arent tears they are liquid pride, Jordan said as liquid pride continued to
stream down his face.
Thats what they all say, Christian rolled his eyes overdramatically.
Hello, is anyone going to tell me whats going on here, the giant asked with a look of
bewilderment.
Let me explain it is a really simple story actually. I was trying to save the president from
certain death when he ended up dying anyways just a little differently. I got him outside into the
street when a giant human centipede ran him over, Christian said taking a few deep breaths after
finishing his short story. In the time it took Christian to tell his short story Jordan had got the
splitters out of his eyes.

pg.59

So who, the giant man began before getting cut off.

Wait a minute what are centipedes doing in DC. I thought we left them in Indiana with
Cody, Jordan cut off the giant man.
Grabbing Jordan by the shoulder, and turning him around the giant man spat in his face,
Let Me speak! Turning back to Christian he wiped his mouth then said, Who exactly are you
two?
We are Earths last hope. We are the vanilla tag team, Christian putting his hand into
his pocket, and ripping out his v.a.n.i.l.l.a badge in a single dramatic motion.
If you're Earths last hope then I have no hope in Earth left, the giant said solemnly.
Walking out of the lavish bathroom he said, They dont pay me enough to deal with this freaky
shit.
They dont pay me at all, Jordan murmured. Waiting for the giants footstep to disappear
Jordan relaxed. Thank god he didnt kill us on the spot, Jordan said his voice clearly riddled
from the exhaustion that he had built up over the last two days. Slumping down Jordan fell
backwards onto the shit covered presidential toilet.
You know the President shit all over that toilet when I pulled him up right, Christian
said with a look of amusement.
Im too tired to care, Jordan said as fought back a yawn. Oh my god what the fuck is
that, Jordan shouted while pointing over Christians shoulder. Turning around Christian froze he
didnt know what it was either. A part human, part pony thing was standing in the doorway. It
wasnt exactly a centaur either it had something magical about it. Forcing its way through the
pg.60

doorway the giant mutant frankenstein creation thingy14 was terrifying. Its lower half was all
pony while the upper half was covered in pink fur instead body hair, but still looked human.
When on its hind legs the half pony, half human stood at least ten feet tall towering over both
Christian, and Jordan. Ill kill you with kindness!, The monstrosity yelled as pink beams of
light shot from its mouth, and eyes transforming anything they hit into My Little Pony
collectables. Narrowly dodging the beam Jordan rolled across the floor. While Christian took a
direct hit dropping to the ground.
Hey pony fucker!, the giant pony monster to exception to this. Getting down into a
football stance the pony thingy blew air from its nostrils while whipping its head around. Oh
fuck, Jordan said as the ponytaur15 plowed him through wall after wall. Falling to the ground
Jordan rolled to his feet unharmed. I hope you're ready to chill out because it is about to get
twenty percent cooler in ten seconds flat. Taking in a deep breath Jordan was ready to release
the only attack he knew when the ponytaur started to maul him again. There goes my arm now
there is my legs, Jordan thought to himself. Regenerating his arm, and legs Jordan got up. Lets
finish this. Taking in another deep breath, the ponytaur charged at Jordan. Letting loose Jordan
blew so hard you would have thought he was a professional. The wind was so cold, it froze the
ponytaur solid before it could make contact, and the temperature in the room really did drop
twenty percent.

14 Thingy~
A technical term.
Guy #1: Insert the thingy into the slot.
Guy #2: ...Is that a... Technical term?
Guy #1: Why, yes. Yes it is.

15 Ponytaur~
1.)
2.)

pg.61

Christian are you ok, are you ok Christian, Jordan said lightly kicking the hunched up
body of the acting Christian. When Christian had taken a direct hit from the cuteness beam his
trench coat had transformed into a My Little Pony sweater. Oh god that is priceless, Jordan
said while laughing at the My Little Pony sweater.
Lets just get out of here while we can, Christian said getting off the ground since his
cover was blown anyways. Grabbing Jordans arm he snapped his fingers making them
disappear. Well, fuck I dont know where we are. Christian said as they appeared inside a vault
like room. Walking to the center of the room Jordan gazed upon the only point of interest in the
room. It was a piece of paper in a super safe security case. Reading over the top of the piece of
paper Jordan froze.
Christian get over here, Jordan said grabbing Christian by the My Little Pony sweater,
and dragging him. Looking at the piece of paper Christian didnt look nearly as excited as
Jordan.
Whats so special about the declaration of independence.
Christian this is the declaration of independance. do you have any idea how much it
would be worth? Jordan gawked at the aged sheet of paper behind 3 inch thick glass.
Whats so special about it maybe it has some type of magical property? Snapping his
fingers Christian produced the declaration from thin air.
Christian put it back right now before, Sirens began to blare before Jordan could finish,
and the door into the vault deadlocked. God damn it Christian whenever I am with you, you
always manage to screw something up.

pg.62

Not always what about the time, Christian stopped talking, and went deep into
thought. Snapping his fingers Christian teleported a few feet,You know that is really
inconvenient, but anyways youre right I cant think of a single time I havent mess something up
with you around. Its all your fault not mine, Christian said pointing a finger in Jordans face.
Just get us out of here!, Jordan yelled over the blaring siren. Grabbing onto Jordan shirt
Christian snapped his fingers teleporting them outside into the middle of a shit storm. A human
centipede had somehow managed to coil itself around the Washington Monument. People were
running, and screaming as they got the hell out of there. As if the day couldnt get any worse a
plane flew overhead dropping something out the back.
Drop the bass, Cody said signaling to the pilot to let the package drop.
As the object fell through the air it made a weird noise somewhat like dubstep, wub wub
wub. Smashing into the ground the object opened revealing a large rack of speaker. Let the
bass drop!, a robotic voice played over the speakers. As the bass dropped everyone within a
three mile radius was obliterated. Everyone else left in Washington was forced to move to the
beat of the dubstep messing shit up. No one could deny the dubstep. Jordan, and Christian both
remember slivers of the events that happened after. Jordan started to go after Christian, but
Christian was already ripping Jordans organs out before he knew it. This kept going on until the
music stopped when Christian, and Jordan regained consciousness of their surroundings. As he
regained consciousness Christian dropped to the ground exhausted.
Lets get out of here, Jordan said extending his hands for Christian to grab. Reaching
up Christian grabbed Jordan around the neck hauling himself up. They both disappeared with a
snap of his fingers.

pg.63

Short Story: Where were you when the bass dropped?

Where were you when the bass dropped, a man on tv asked. Today as our featured
entertainment we will be playing an assortment of clips from DC submitted by people from the bass drop.
Now onto our sponsor. Images flashed across the screen of flying fuck, and other perverted toys. This
featured media is brought to you by Fuckupshit the creators of the famous childrens toy the remote
control flying fuck. Now back to the featured media.
Our first clip was submitted by a man getting his kidney stone removed as the bass dropped.
After a few moments the clip began to play. In the clip three men stood around another unconscious man
sitting in a chair. One of the standing men was carrying a long thin metal rod that he proceeded to shove
up under the unconscious mans garments as the other two held him down. Reaching under with his other
hand he grabbed on tight to the mans penis as he inserted the long metal pole slowly then the bass
dropped. Wrapping his fingers his fingers in even tighter the man with the pole began shoving it in, and
out to the beat of dubstep. Blood splattered the walls as the unconscious man's arms were ripped off
followed by his dick, and finished with a thin metal rod through the front ,and out the rectum. What a
great action piece, the host said. Can we get a slow motion replay of the finish on that, Now this I can
fap too!
Now onto the next, their host said getting back on track. Roll the clip. This clip started off
nice, and calm with a mother playing catch with her two year old son then the bass dropped. The mother
picked up the ball throwing it full force knocking her sons block off literalily. The two years old sons
head was completely decapitated. Running over the mom wasnt done yet she started ripping off pieces of
her sons body. Oh, yes yes I can get off to this, the host yelled as he fapped. The entire crowded
watched, and waited for him to finish after the clip finished. That was good fapping material I got off

pg.64

pretty easily to it. I feel a little wore out now let me just sit down. Sitting down their host continued,
This is the last clip. Roll it!
The last clip started rolling instantly. The clip started off with two guys yelling at each other as
the bass bomb landed next to them sending one of them flying, and the other just disappeared. Getting to
his feet the guy who got sent flying was standing next to the guy that had disappeared into thin air. They
were shaking each others hands when the bass dropped. Reaching the guy in a My Little Pony sweater
started ripping out the other guys organs to the beat. After awhile he started pulling out doubles, and
triples of organs. This went on until the song ran out, and the bass stopped. Slumping over the guy in the
My Little Pony sweater was completely wore out. Grabbing each side of his ripped skin the other guy
pulled it shut making the giant hole disappear. Getting to his feet the guy in the sweater used the other guy
as a crutch, snapping his fingers they both disappeared. I cant fap to this shit where are the small
children, and metal rods. What the fuck man? Regaining his composure the host grabbed some cue cards
out of his suit jacket pocket, If you liked anyone of these clips vote for you winner by calling 1-TWOGUYS-CUP.
Signing off the host escaped backstage to get away from the audience. Grabbing his face the host
ripped off a plastic mask to reveal that he was actually a she. Jordan, Christian, and Codys friend Hailey
was the host. Ill always be watching you Jordan, Hailey said opening a door to her secret room.
Flicking on the lights. The inside of the room was filled with monitors that showed live video reel of
Jordan, and all her other old friends. Jordan you signed your death wish when you left Morgan. I just
wanted you too be happy together. Now I have to kill you with cuteness.

Cuteness can be evil too!

Man my stomach hurts, Jordan said rubbing his completely healed wound from when Christian
repeatedly ripped out his organs. Christian reached into the cabinet grabbing a box of antacids. Bringing

pg.65

his arm back he lobbed it Jordans head drawing blood. Ow, why did you do that? Jordan wiped the
blood away as the wound healed.
Took your mind off you stomach didnt it?
Arent we forgetting something like someone we left deserted somewhere?
If youre talking about Cody I planned on leaving him there for a bit but I guess we can bring
him back now. Snapping his fingers Christian teleported Cody into Jordans livingroom next to him.
Did you drop the soap, Jordan blurted out the moment he saw Cody appear out of thin air. Cody
stared at the ground without saying a word, and the room grew awkwardly quiet. Ill take that as a yes,
Jordan said breaking the silence. Cody threw Jordan a glare that made him feel like a sword pressed
against his throat.
We have to get back to the topic at hand. In a little less than twenty-four hours your wife will die
unless we save her, Christian said trying to get the topic back on track.
Why would I help you guys, Cody asked with a scowl on his face.
We were once friends werent we, Jordan said pleadingly.
Still not a good enough reason, Cody said shaking his head.
How about this reasoning. I froze Jesus solid in a block of ice, blew up Santa Claus, and was the
cause for most of DC being destroyed. Do you really not wanna not be on my side?
Fine. With me on your side at least when we are dying well take them done with us. We are
going to take them down one by one. As he said these words Cody found a new meaning to his life, to
make sure Jordans life was a living hell. With Cody against Jordan his wife was as good as dead. Even
Jordan could do better than HER.
So where do we start? The question hung in the air a moment as Jordan waited for a response.
First on my list is kidnapping Cody. Codys head shot up as he heard those words. Not you, or
at least I dont think so. Cody let out a sigh of relief.
After we kidnap him we need to interrogate him, Jordan had a maniacal grin on his face. I
know the perfect place to do that. Lets get this over with quick so I can have some fun.
pg.66

Im on it. Wrapping his arms around both Jordan, and Cody; Christian gave his fingers a quick
snap. Disappearing instantaneously Christian, Cody, and Jordan reappeared in front of Codys apartment.
Time to do some dastardly deeds. Christian was rubbing his hands together evilly.
See you. Cody took off down the road the moment Christian let go him. Looking at the house
Schmucker was clearly written on the door.
Catch him! Jordan took off down the rode after him.
Dont worry. With a snap of his fingers Christian teleported in front of Cody. Cody ran head
first into Christian knocking them both to the ground.
So sorry. Running down a slope Jordan couldnt stop himself, and tripped over the pile up.
What the hell are you doing? Cody kicked Christian repeatedly trying to break free.
Detaining you. Christian took kick after kick to the face as he clenched onto Codys ankles.
Let me go I havent done anything. Innocent people run from the law all the time. Kicking
Christian in the nose he gave him a bloody nose.
Which one are you the evil one, or the Cody we know from high school? Christian had let
Cody go, and was cradling his nose.
If im kicking you in the face what do you think.
That doesnt help at all. You would kick me in the face back in highschool anyways. Christian
was still rolling on the ground soiling himself with blood, and tears.
Im evil does that help. Cody was getting a migraine from being around these idiots.
No you were evil back in highschool too. Jordan was the one talking this time.
NO! I am the evil Cody not just evil. Cody could feel his brain cells dying with every word
that came out of their mouths. You know what?
What, Christian, and Jordan said in unison.
Human centipedes. Putting his fingers in his mouth Cody gave a loud whistle.

pg.67

Oh hell no! Christian was off the ground, and running to Cody as a human centipede came
barreling out of a nearby wall. The centipede rammed into Christian sending him rolling down hill.
Weeee! Why is all the bad shit happening to me, and not Jordan?
Im out of here. Cody climbed onto the back of his human centipede as Jordan stood by, and
watched. Arent you gonna try, and stop me?
This is the first time in two days I havent died, and regenerated every fifteen minutes. Jordan
crossed his arms, and stood there waiting for Cody to leave.
Giddy up! Cody dug his heels into the side of the human centipede. Bucking, and kicking the
centipede blitzed forward disappearing from sight in seconds.
You didnt even try to stop him. In the time it took Cody to leave in style, Christian had
managed to crawl back up to the top of the hill. Out of no where a human centipede came barreling
through the same wall as before right next to the other hole.
Cody poked his head up from the back of the centipede. I forgot to remind you have only
twenty-three hours left to save your wife. I have a proposal for you.
And what would that proposal be? Jordan was suspicious of anything Cody was offering.
You, and me assemble great armies, and have a battle that levels the rest of DC. What do you
say? Cody seemed really pleased with his idea so much that he was cheesing 16.
Who do I know that will join my army? Jordan couldnt think of a single person who would
join him in a epic battle.
Too bad either you defeat me in a epic battle of epicosity, or your fiance dies. Meet me in DC in
twelve hours or ill kill your fiance early. Digging his heels into the side of the centipede took off again.
Hi ho Hygema away!
Did he just call that thing? Christian pointed at where Cody used to be.
16Cheesing~
1.) To become high by way of snorting or sniffing cat piss. Cheesing can cause a psychedelic trip
where the person cheesing visits a fantasyland where they get to fornicate with the boob princess. Trey
Parker and Matt Stone discovered the miracle effects of cheesing.
2.) The type of smile you only see in professional pictures, or when some did something evil.

pg.68

I think he really did. Jordan was shaking his head with his jaw hanging down, and jutted out
slightly.
There is something really wrong with that kid. Christian was shaking his head in disbelief at
how messed up in the head Cody was.
Thats one thing we can agree on. Jordan was trying to figure out how Cody had survived this
long with so many issues.
Should we go after him? Christian wasnt sure what to do about Cody.
No we know where to find him. Jordan patted Christian on the back. So, you got any friends
willing to fight in a epic battle of epicosity.
Lets go make some. Christian sat there, and thought for awhile. I got nothing.
I have an idea. Look at your sweater we could get help from the ponies.
That is by far one of the dumbest things I have ever heard, but I dont have any better ideas.
taking a deep breath Christian snapped his fingers. Galaxies passed them by as they almost
instantaneously across open space, A distance farther than any non-brony human could comprehend to a
land called Equestria filled with colorful ponies. As they reappeared gravity took hold unluckily for
Christian, and Jordan they more than thirty feet off the ground. Grabbing Jordan by the collar of his shirt
Christian pulled him through the air until he was on top. Hitting the ground Jordan broke Christians fall,
and most of his ribs... and legs... and skull... and spine vertebrae. Jordan lay on the ground in excruciating
pain as Christian got up, and dusted himself off. Well looks like things are back to their natural ways.
Im unharmed, and Jordan is in excruciating pain. I like the natural order of things better.
Are you friend, or brony, a female voice said from behind them.
Oh female. Christian turned around expecting to see a girl, and was disappointed to see a blue
pony with six color hair. Exhaling loudly Christian slouched. Just my luck, what do you want
pipsqueek?

pg.69

Are you friend, or brony? The blue pony with a six colored mane stomped its hoof. Taking a
closer look the pony spotted Christians sweater. The pony took off with astounding speeds. Run, hide,
save yourself its a brony!
"STOP I JUST WANNA WUB YOU!" Jordan started sprinting after the rainbow pony. Leaping
through the air Jordan wrapped his hand in the ponies tail. "YOUR HIDE IS MINE!" The pony started to
take off into the air.
"Let go of me." The pony began bucking, and kicking in an attempt to break Jordans grip.
NEVER! Getting a better grip Jordan began hauling himself up onto the ponies back. Putting
one leg on each side Jordan grabbed onto the ponys rainbow mane with a tight grip.
Get off! Rainbow Dash started bucking and kicking.
NOO! Jordan felt his sweaty palm slipping off the ponys greasy mane.
I guess its time for desperate measures then. as it finished the rainbow colored pony took off
straight up dragging Jordan along with it. As the air began to freeze the pony leveled out a few thousand
meters above its world.

pg.70