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TowerTimes

Features: British televi-

WHAT WILL
sion should either change
or die. Can UK broad-
casting directors hon-
estly believe that reality
TV-shows (and I use the

WE SEE
term loosely) and catch
phrase dependent farses
are forms of entertain-
ment? page ??

Fashion: “How to break

FOR OUR
into London’s fashion
industry and what were
her inspirations? Imogen
Belfield knows the an-
swer. page ??

HIGHER
Editorial: Religious
freedoms are only one kind,
neither better nor worse.
page 4

FEES?
Sports: “It’s been 14
years since the UK en-
joyed their last major
sporting event - the Euro
‘96 - and we’re just over
two years away from the
next one - London’s 2012
Olympics.” - page 24

Feature By: Fisnik Rexhepi

Students and School leavers in


England are worried that tuition
fees may double in the near future.
Although there are no official an-
nouncements on this issue, reports
are circulating in the media that
many vice-chancellors want to
charge undergraduates
up to £7,000 a-year for a degree
course, while some have called for
the introduction of American-style
unlimited fees. Better higher edu-
cation is interpreted as a cause for
a rising in tuition fees.
18-year old Fidan Sogojeva, who
studying A Levels at “Westminster
Academy 6-th Forum”, London,
and planning on going to univer-
sity, said that a rise in fees will
strongly influence his decision to
apply for university, saying “I’m at
the position in my life where I’m
unsure if the cost of going to stud-
ies will be worthwhile”.
Brigitte Leim, a 21 year old
Hungarian, is also turned off by
student fees. “Until now I was
News 2
CONTRIBUTORS
News
Mark Oxley - Editor
Adam Whitaker
SU INCHES TOWARDS
INDEPENDENCE
Fisnik Rexhepi
Yasmin Begum
Aisha Malik

Features News By: Mark Oxley


Charlotte Sundberg - Editor The Tower has learnt that Lon- and shop, or from the sale of NUS form and standing that it hasn’t
Hector Galvis
don Metropolitan University, has cards, the wages paid to executive had before. Under new regulations,
Lynda Piggott
John Linger applied to make Student Union members means that it does meet for example, the SU would be able
Kerris Gibson (MetSU) a charity body under this threshold. to trade under its own name. It
Nat Jones changes in the law. The move is also regulates charity events, such
Michel Narvaez required by the 2006 Charities Act, “It’s an opportunity to as rag weeks, which would help in
Vanessa which redefines Student Unions solidify the presence and providing charity collectors with
Aurelija Gobyte into charitable organizations, independence of the Stu- legitimacy in the public eye.
Victoria Revell
Reina Shimada
meaning that they will be regulated dent Union” “It’s an opportunity to solidify
by the Charities Commission. the presence and independence of
Ana Silva Pessanha
Amy Furniss Under these new rules, an SU However, the changes will the Student Union”, said the SUs
Siie Von Den Hint must have an income of over involve minor alternations to the Vice-President (North), Ritchie
Christian Eriksson £10,000 a year to count. Although constitution, already undergoing Sethi, who approves of the change.
Janelle Hawthorne MetSU does not directly receive re-assessment. The major change
income from the studnet bars will be in giving the SU a legal
Fashion
Danni Keane - Editor
Kylie Vanacore
Ali Day
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Emily Moore “[The BBC has commissioned a report to combat the threat it] feels from critics
Chandni Kaur including Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corporation which owns Sky TV,
Matt Dodimead
the Times and the Sun, and David Cameron.”
- The Guardian
Sport
Christian Eriksson - Editor

STARTING PISTOL
Elliot Steen
Matt Dodimead
Raheela Shakir
Linda Mawunga

FIRED ON 2010
5 NEWS AND POLITICS
BLOGS TO WATCH
Ministry of Truth
Number 6 on the Bloody Devils
list, this insightful blog is irregular, News By: Mark Oxley
but thorough. On 1st February, the Student Un-
http://www.ministryoftruth. ion will invite students to nomi-
me.uk/ nate themselves for positions on
the Student’s Union’s Executive
Bad Science Council. The elections will take
Self-confessed geek and D-list place in March after complaints
celebrity about the previous years’ elections
skewers the bad science in our taking place during May’s exams
papers. period.
http://www.badscience.net/ The nomination period runs
from 1st February to the 15th,
Iain Dale’s Blog with all potential statesmen (and
This ex-conservative candidate’s women) requiring 40 signatures in
blog is in the know. order to run in the elections.
http://iaindale.blogspot.com/ According to Communications
Officer Rishi Pancholi, he will be
Glenn Greenwald putting himself forward for the
Salon.com’s resident blogger gives role of President. He also con-
thoughtful opinions on American firmed that LGBT Society head
politics Phillipe Giovanni Chiarella is also
http://www.salon.com/news/ thinking of running for the top job. Rishi Pancholi, Communications Officer and prespective
opinion/glenn_greenwald/ Both individuals have considerable presidential candidate,
experience working for the Student working with the new Vice-Chan- elections as a make or break time
Tory Troll Union, with Chiarella voted into cellor, progress reports written for the Student Union due to the
Adam Bienkov reports London’s the role of Vice-Chair of the Stu- by Executive members and seen electoral difficulties of previous
goings-on. dent Council. by the Tower describe a difficult years. Last years’ elections had a
http://torytroll.blogspot.com/ Meanwhile, President Yeashir relationship with the uni versity, 1.5% turnout, which was blamed
Ahmed and Vice-President (North which is a likely cause for their on the voting period being run dur-
Campus) Ritchie Sethi, will not be frustration. ing the exams period and a lack of
seeking re-election. Student Support Officer Eddie competition amongst candidates.
Despite their enthusiasm for Rowley had described last years’
News 3

FEES RISE, STANDARDS REMAIN THE SAME


Continued from front page...

working very hard in saving money


to fund myself, as I thought a stu-
dent loan won’t be necessary. But
if the suggestions are true than I’ll
carry on with my work in a restau-
rant as I don’t see any reason to
study.”
Parents are also concerned about
the possible rise in fees. “This
is just crazy. I and my daughter
already set plans for future stud-
ies, but yet another rise in fees will
definitely jeopardise these plans.
I’m very angered that in most of
the countries fees are far less than
here, or probably free”, said Ner-
iman Ramnishta a 31 year mum
from London.
The Student Union is also con-
cerned about how a rise in fees will
affect students, as the University
draws most of its students from
ordinary working families. Fidan Sogojeva Image: Fisnik Rexhepi
from 36,000 to 27,000. called this year, student funding munication Unit officer at the gov-
“Higher fees will affect “We as a Student Union at the likely to be a campaigning issue, ernment’s Department for Busi-
not only students in Lon- moment already notified students especially given the parties’ need to ness Innovation and Skills, told the
donMet, but all students with proposals. But we are not reach out to younger voters. Tower Times that the government
happy enough in delivering this Glenda Jackson, Labour MP for would be conducting an independ-
across England.” message due to the lack of funds”, Hampstead & Highgate defended ent report on student fees and
he concluded. fee rises, saying “taxpayers should funding. She said that the report
Richi Pancholi communication What concerns the Student Union not be the only one to pay for would consider “the goal of widen-
and campaigns officer at London- is the proposal to limit the number higher tuition fees. It is just unaf- ing participation, affordability and
Met said: “Higher fees will affect of home students admitted to fordable”. the desirability of a simplification
not only students in LondonMet, universities, while not doing the of the student support system”,
but all students across England. same for international students.
“the goal of widening with an emphasis on ensuring that
Students all over are confused Richi Sethi, Vice President for participation, affordabil- the costs of higher education are
with these extensive allegations, Education and representation in paid fairly by all parts of society.
ity and the desirability
as nothing has been confirmed yet. North Campus in LondonMet said: She claimed that the government
They don’t know anything about “home students are expensive; part of a simplification of the had worked to remove cost as a
their future, or what is going to of their education comes from the student support system” barrier to university by the abol-
happen to them. It has been said public funding. There’s no cap on ishing up-front fees, ensuring that
that the review is taking place, but international students as they are However she backed away from students only pay their fees back
I fear that anything will happen self funding. They generate a lot of a clear stance, saying “it’s not if they earn over a certain amount
before the general election”. money for Universities”. whether I’ll challenge this issue, and by providing grants and bur-
“We showed our strong disa- LondonMet management de- but what we need at the moment saries for students from poorer
greement together with National clined to state their position on the is a huge debate towards tuition backgrounds.
universities of Students (NUS), in issue, saying “we as a university fees”. She also stressed that “the She also mentioned Higher
joining them in front of parliament don’t make decisions on tuition debate should be concentrated Ambitions, a new initiative to that
to show our anger”. Pancholi went fees. They come from the govern- only in how much students should would apparently ensure that Brit-
on to say that that the number of ment”, said Wendy James, admis- pay, not whether who is going to ish universities attracted world-
students in LondonMet has al- sion officer in LondonMet. pay”. class students.
ready fallen heavily, decreasing With a General Election to be Sarah Thompson, Public Com-

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW


• Top-up fees (not their of- • English and Northern • Scottish students pay top- • EU students pay the same
ficial name) are a way of Irish students pay top-up up fees in England, Wales fees as nationals of the
charging tuition to under- fees wherever they study or Northern Ireland; if country they are studying
graduate and PGCE stu- in the UK they remain in Scotland in.
dents, who study at uni- no fees are paid as of the
versities in England and • Welsh students pay top-up abolition of the Graduate
• Legislation to enable the
Wales. fees in England, Scotland Endowment Fee in 2007.
introduction of top-up
or Northern Ireland, but
fees was proposed by the
• Universities are able to only at £1,250 a year if • International students pay
Labour Party Secretary
charge students anything they remain in Wales or their universities’ inter-
of State for Education
from £0 up to a maximum study a course elsewhere national fees, which are
Charles Clarke and be-
of £3,225 per year. that is not available at any much higher than top-up
came law in the Higher
Welsh university. fees.
Education. The law came
into effect for the 2006-
2007 academic year.
News 4

LGBT MONTH COMES TO EDITORIAL: ARE MY


RIGHTS BETTER THAN
YOUR RIGHTS?

LONDON MET
February has been designated LGBT Month, focusing on Lesbian, Gay, Bi- and
This month will see events set up
across the country dedicated to
‘breaking the silence’ about gay
culture and history.
Trans-sexual people and their contributions to society. Events celebrating LGBT The events come at a time when
history will be running at the universityand across the country. the House of Lords has again
defeated the government over
By: Mark Oxley equality law as applied to religious
LGBT History Month was a grass- (lesbianism was not legally recog- Events organisations.
roots event created in the wake of nized) was even believed by some Tuesday 9th February According to the Archbishop of
New Labour’s program to abolish to be the downfall of the British 6.00-9.00pm York who participated in the de-
Section 28 and improve LGBT Empire. There was such fear in Beyond Isis and Osiris: Alternate bate, “if religious freedom means
rights in the UK. some quarters that mirrors were Sexualities in Ancient Egypt. anything it must mean that those
LGBT Society head, Phillipe placed in public toilets,allowing Venue: The Petrie Museum of are matters for the churches and
Giovani Chiarella, backed the policement to check on the behav- Egyptian Archaeology other religious organisations to
programme of events, saying that iour of anyone inside. determine for themselves in ac-
“LGBT History Month aims to cel- The Sexual Offences Act of 1967 Thursday 11th February cordance with their own convic-
ebrate the impact that LGBT have decriminalized certain homosexual Guided walk 6.15pm followed by tions.”
had, and continue to have, in soci- behavior, although courts often talk 7.30pm But religious freedoms do not
ety. It also allows us to recognise interpreted the act as strictly as Admission Free. RSVP required exist in a vacuum - they operate in
how far ahead the UK is in terms possible against those accused of (for both walk and talk) a society that carries its own con-
of the rights of LGBT people, and breaking the law. However LGBT viction that open secularism works
look at far others have to come. rights were rolled back under Tuesday 23rd February and that people, be they black or
In a great deal of countries homo- the Thatcher government, which 6-9pm Film starts at 7.00pm gay or other are people and have
sexuality is illegal and punishable famously brought in the repressive FilmNight“Before Stonewall” freedoms.
by death.” and vague Section 28, banning the Not only that but openness
The educational group School’s ‘acceptability of homosexuality’. Before Stonewall: The Making of a wears down prejudice like water
OUT, which is behind the drive LGBT rights were reinstated and Gay and Lesbian Community is a wearing down damming rocks -
to bring homosexuality out of the extended under New Labour in 1984 historical documentary film leaving future generations wonder-
closet, will be helping set up events 2006. about the LGBT community prior ing how such bigotry existed in the
which, will be played out in both London highlights include the to the 1969 Stonewall riots. first place.
public and private spaces. launch of an advice book for gay Faiths have no right to rule, only
Until recently, LGBT history in Christians, a lecture on homo- Friday 26th February the right to persuade.
the UK has been one of repression. sexuality in ancient Greece and 6.00pm-9.00pm There is nothing wrong with
Despite recommendations as early a collection of films about queer HIV, Apathy, and ActivismToday belief in itself, but when it tries
as 1957 that male homosexuality identity from the BFI film archive. - Does The Gay Community Still to override the rights of others by
should not be a criminal act, politi- More details can be found at lgb- Exist? force it trades away the basis of its
cal attitudes remained steadfast. thistorymonth.org.uk and metlgbt.
own legitimacy.
Fear of male homosexual activity co.uk.

IN OUR ANGER WE DO NOTHING


Concern over the implementation of police powers Though the ruling stipulates that
‘injured parties’ must be compen-
directly in check. Yet it has no
obligations to face independent
and tactics has been big national news over the last sated, it does not really explain enquiries.
year, yet as is often the case, any real arguments and how police should distinguish stop And when do you call the police?
suggestions for change never left the papers. and search cases in future, since it Most people I ask mention circum-
is assumed that the Terrorism Act stances that do not require urgen-
Comment By Adam Whittaker is still to be enforced. Certainly it cy, situations requiring something
guarantees that the issues will not like a bailiff, to intervene.
Granted, the original outcry over are hypocritical, on and on we see be addressed for some time. Do
the handling of the G20 summit by insurmountable odds and in our most people even care? So...I suppose something of a point
the Metropolitan Police was a tad anger we do nothing, we do not is required. Hard, since I have ar-
overzealous, because this time they care enough.
“Of all agencies, law en- gued so vaguely and accusatorily,
had stuff on camera and so the What can the police actually forcement should be the as any good commentator should.
public apparently became angry, accomplish? Is law enforcement most directly in check.” Well, look at it this way. You can
briefly. overvalued, underpaid and un- either:
I do not mean to suggest that derachieving? Do you know that Unsurprisingly, black or Asian
people are not angered by the state my answer men were far more likely to be • Face the tangible reality that in
of law enforcement. In anger we would likely be yes? stopped, and that the actions of any society, the problems effecting
On their website, Islington po- individual officers were not being crime are as interconnected as any
“Is law enforcement over- lice display a mission statement 2 effectively monitored etc. How other arbitrary chunk infrastruc-
valued, underpaid and years out of date. Not too concern- dulled we must be to be able to ture and that law enforcement can
underachieving?” ing in itself, since any new version read and hear such compelling only ever enforce a tiny fraction of
would contain the same pacifying things and simply shrug. I know I its agenda.
see good evidence that the po- vagaries and valiant posturing. But do.
lice departments do not have the once again, nobody seems to care. It may seem that I am advocat- • Or plug your ears and get used
resources to enforce their swinging On the 12th of January 2010, ing fatalism. On the contrary, it to those drunken weekend beat-
agendas, that the conduct of offic- the European Court of Human is exhilarating to think of people downs outside your house, because
ers is largely ignored within cer- rights ruled that it was unlawful actively working for actual legisla- they’re not going anywhere.
tain departments, that the prison for UK police to use ‘arbitrary’ tive changes in spite of confound-
system fails, that judicial systems counter-terror stop and search ing obstacles. Of all agencies, law
fail, that government initiatives powers. How will this be enforced? enforcement should be the most
News 5

ASSETS SET TO SELL?


Large-scale redundan-
cies, the sale of student
halls, the reduction of
modules and massive
debt to HEFCE. Does the
university have anything
left to sell?
Feature By: Yasmnin Begum
The New Year brings a new ray of
hope. The arrival of the new Vice
Chancellor at London Metropoli-
tan University, Malcolm Gillies,
will no doubt be debated among
media moguls.
Due to the University grabbing
immense media attention over
recent months with regards to staff
protests and the governors refus-
ing to step down, the nation has
seen it all. It is uncertain whether
the public, the students and the
2000+ staff will stand by him in
his efforts to restore the reputation
and stability of the university.
A fifth of all staff being made
redundant has been the outcry
between students and lecturers
alike. Amid rumors is that, degrees
will soon be consisting of three
modules rather then the usual
four. These claims have been met
with furious comebacks from stu-
dents, who are demanding to know
what their degrees will be worth if
this idea is put in to action? Then
finally we heard that the governors
were making a stand, an inap-
propriate one, but none the less a
stand. They will not resign.
With Hefce scrutinising those in
authority, things aren’t looking too
rosy. Students have been dragged
in to the spotlight time and time
again, and so the question arises, The famous Tower Building of London Met Image: Charlotte Sundberg
what exactly is being done to tackle
these notorious headlines? for its two campuses, London assets is not a new one. around less than £100 per foot. It
It is common knowledge that the North Campus, on Holloway Road, Savilles, an estate agent special- accommodates a mere 5% teach-
University needs to repay the Gov- North London and City Campus, ising in commercial sectors were ing facility but 89% of the building
ernment over £36million. A fail- in the heart of East End, Aldgate. more then willing to help. Based consists of its departmental usage.
ure of interpretations and claims These two campuses are depicted on the location and residential If the university was to sell this
on non existing students are said into a total of nineteen buildings. factors, not to mention Arsenal library, the facilities could easily be
to be the cause of this huge debt. Could this possibly be a venture for Stadium being of walking distance, relocated to The Learning Centre,
the question now is, how can this the university and the incoming Tower Building, situated on Hol- on Holloway Road.
money be recovered? Vice Chancellor? loway Road, was estimated at Buildings such as Central House
It is important to address what It seems ideal that the university around £150 per foot, giving it an and Commercial Road Building,
options are available to the new could sell some of its counter parts; approximate value of a staggering which have a teaching and aca-
Vice Chancellor to ensure the Uni- after all, it is possible to combine £49Million. demic usage of over 50% should
versity does not endure closure. all campuses and merge them as Yes, it is jaw dropping worthy. remain separate from the uni-
With an incentive of five years to one. But with house prices fluctu- It may not be convenient to sell versity’s assets. Many buildings
make all repayments, how will the ating and our economy dwindling, the biggest most expensive and in North Campus have less than
university survive this drought? how do we know how much good extensively used building of them 50% teaching and academic usage
The sale of student halls, espe- will come out of the sale of these all, but at least the university has deeming it possible to be sold.
cially The Arcade in North London landmark buildings? the comfort of knowing the other So, we have a solution to the
next to the university’s London properties may be worth selling. problem. We have a solution to
North Campus, was infamous Valuation Other buildings located around end the chaos and cease media
last year. The number of student The Estates Department in Sta- the North Campus, N7 postal area invasions. We all agree immediate
spaces available for enrollment pleton House, Holloway Road, also had the valuation of £150 per action is required. If not by selling
have become limited compared retracted permission to allow the foot. City Campus buildings were the properties, the university could
to last year. With 416 staff being publication of the valuations of the estimated to be worth £100 per lease some to other outside parties,
fired, degrees being cut and stu- university buildings. Hence we are foot, bearing in mind residential from the ten freehold buildings it
dent accommodation being sold, left with no choice but to ponder, factors and size proximity. possesses. This alternative could
what could possibly be next? ‘why the sudden stance of secrecy,’ The Women’s Library, situated and should be investigated further.
London Metropolitan is famous the idea of the university selling in City Campus, was estimated at
News 6

IS THE IN SIGHT?

Timeline of events at London Met Illustration: Aisha Malik


After days of protesting, weeks of waiting, and months of student uncertainty, are students achieving what
they had hoped for? Students must have endured months of anxiety about the future of their university and
staff fighting for their jobs, until finally the Vice Chancellor and the Board of Governors gave up their posi-
tions.
Interview By: Aisha Malik
So what about the future of Lon- down, but it is mainly single mod- not possibly be enough to pay back phy should have been considered
don Metropolitan University? ules that have had to go,” added the millions the university owes to before English Language. There
A huge financial crisis at a Mr Snaith. the HEFCE. A confident Mr Snaith are not that many students who do
university means huge cuts in the states “No there will be no more philosophy and it is not a growing
budget in order to save money. Hope and change of Gillies cuts made from the university degree so I’m not quite sure why it
It’s not surprising what the first With the new Vice Chancellor staff”. has survived when English has not.
cuts were aimed to be- redundan- Malcolm Gillies arriving on the Instead Mr Snaith argues that One member of staff wondered
cies. The University College Union scene just in time, it seems like a if there are to be any more cuts whether in some cases departmen-
(UCU), initially predicted a cut of step forward for the university. Mr made, they should be made from tal managers wanted to get rid of
approximately 500 jobs, however Snaith has “hope” that Mr Gillies “management, both middle and certain people and that sometimes
“all in all there was a total number will bring change and create a bet- senior. They haven’t taken any the only way they could achieve
of around 300 job cuts at the ter working environment for both cuts at all and yet they continue to this was to propose closing down
university” states Cliff Snaith, the students and staff. give themselves bigger bonuses! the whole course on which they
UCU officer at London Met. The university would benefit from were teaching”
“Many employees realised that “There will be no more them leaving”.
they were better off taking volun- cuts from university “We lost many students
tary redundancy rather than being
staff” Preferred to leave who deemed the degree
made redundant by the university. Steve Jones, an English Lan-
So in actual fact there were around
- Cliff Snaith guage Studies lecturer, had also
as being too hard”
250 voluntary redundancies and described the popular choice of - Steve Jones
only about 50 compulsory redun- “Each department had to put voluntary redundancies to be more
dancies.” forward a plan to save money, and “financially favourable”. “However the logical explanation
Mr Snaith argues that the majority those departments whose plans One particular department that the university will probably
of the job losses were due to vol- were not sufficient enough were that is being forced to close many give you is that some students used
untary redundancies because “they likely to be shut”. “However in modules and turn the remaining the English Language degree as a
got a better deal that way. They some cases instead of closing down modules into joint degrees is the way to transfer onto other degrees.
would get paid a two weeks wage whole departments, most modules Languages department, which Mr Therefore we lost many students
for every year they had been work- had just been narrowed down in Jones works in. He said that: “As who deemed the degree as being
ing here whereas the compulsory order to save on costs. Even so, well as English language, French too hard”.
redundancies got slightly less”. a number of courses were forced is also being shut, German was Mr Jones’ home truths show us
Another method of significantly to close down because they were closed a few years ago, and Span- the ‘behind the scenes’ footage and
cutting down costs was to get rid of highly understaffed,” explains Mr ish and Latin American Studies the unjust decisions made by the
whole departments at the univer- Snaith. has been reduced to a joint degree people at the top.
sity. “It’s difficult to estimate how The question of ‘any further cuts’ only.
many departments have closed comes to mind as these cuts can- “Perhaps subjects like philoso-
News 7

NOT QUITE THE NEWS


Because sometimes it’s hard to take
this stuff seriously
Woman Proves Breasts been really good so far.’
Still Popular Look ‘Definitely’, agreed husband
People from around the world John. ‘I was a bit worried, but
stopped to gawk as ‘Mad Men’ about a week after moving in ,
actress Christina Hendricks but I heard him having a big row
stepped onto the red carpet of the with his boyfriend and it struck
unfortunately titled ‘Golden Gobes’ me - gay couples argue just like we
awards. do! Suddenly he seemed a lot less
“Christina reminds people that, threatening.’
despite everything magazines say, ‘I’m not worried about our boy
real women with actual hips and turning out gay’ said Alex and
everything are still hugely popular” Namira from North London. ‘To
said one commentator, who just be honest, we’ve always wondered
couldn’t stop staring. about him, ever since he asked to
go to drama school, so it wouldn’t
“nuddie pics or get off” be a shock to us. At least he reads
- he’s half-way through the com-
The pictures also created an inter- plete Oscar Wilde!’
net buzz, where it have been
posted. ‘Wow, I’d hit that’, said Republican advocates ‘Old
fatman118. Not all were im- Yeller’ treatment for poor
pressed. ‘nuddie pics or get off’, This week Lt. Governor. Andre
said Hardman332, summarising Baue of South Carolina explained
his feelings about the claims that a the Republican’s sensible and
newspaper had doctored her image absolutely not insane plan to deal
to make her look fatter. with the poor.
“How am I supposed to deal ‘My grandmother was not a
with this?” Asked a fashion de- highly educated woman, but she
signer who agreed to talk on the showed me as a small child how to
condition of anonymity. “I need deal with the poor.
women who look like 12-year old ‘The lesson came when, as a
boys, not like women! My clothes nine-year old boy, my farm dog
are supposed to fall, not hang off broke its leg. It refused to work
their top shelf! I can’t actually use anymore, becoming lazy and use-
boys, they tend to be obvious really less. Instead of working it spent
quickly - Where am I going to get its time among the bitches and
my models now?” smoking pot. Rather than letting it
breed more lame dogs she told me
Malcolm Gillies is new what I had to do. I took a gun and
Obama, Says Fans dragged that dog out back. He’s
City of London professor Malcolm still buried out there.
Gillies was hailed as ‘London Met’s ‘And that’s how I’m going to deal
Obama’ by fans looking forward to with unemployment in this great,
his move to the troubled univer- redneck state.’
sity. His Democratic opponent said
“The parallels are obvious” said ‘while I may not agree with Mr. Christina Hendricks, winner of the ‘Most Cancelled TV Show’
one supporter. “Obama inherited Baue’s sentiment, I intend to fol- Award, 2002. Copyright FOX Corporation.
his position after everyone got sick low in our great Democratic party
common darling and simply not expected to go before the Chilcot
of the previous incumbent driving tradition of offering my uncon-
worth it. Given today’s prices, one Enquiry and explain the plot of
the country into the ground and ditional surrender to his point
is far better off with some Colum- satirical movie ‘In The Loop’.
destroying its reputation. He’s of view and letting this yahoo do
bian marching powder.’ In an interview with the Tower,
also got a lot of hope pinned on anything he likes. Would you like
‘Oh, totally,’ agreed another Sir Wood said that he would tell
him by people who haven’t met me to hold your ammo belt Mr
socialite, who simply called him- the committee that ’In the film,
him yet.’ Baue, sir?
self ‘Archie’. I mean, who wants to spin doctor Malcolm Tucker doc-
spend money simply to lie around tors a report to give the Americans
Survey Finds Public all day and get red-eye? For the a reason to invade an unthreaten-
Public Realises Gay Peo- Against Cannabis as ‘Too same price I can redecorate my ing middle-eastern country. It’s a
ple Are Just Like Everyone Chavvy’ kitchen in half the time or dance great film, with a cracking script.
Else The latest findings, from the Na- all night with some top totty. Of course, something like that
A recent survey of pulic opinions tional Centre for Social Research, ‘Besides,’ he admitted, ‘I once could never happen in real life, I’m
by the National Centre for Social reveal that 58% of the public had a bad experience with can- sure.’
Research has revealed that only thought that cannabis should be nabis. I slumped onto a beanbag ‘I’m glad we’re having this im-
36% of Britons have a problem banned for being too common. and couldn’t get up again for three portant witness come to us’, said
with gay people living their lives hours. I ended up calling emer- Lord Chilcott. ‘While I appreciate
and not bothering anyone else. “I slumped onto a bean- gency services and they were very that everyone already knows the
The Allisons, a middle-aged bag and couldn’t get up sarcastic. I just nearly died from plot and how it all ends, I am a
couple from Manchester spoke shame!’ very busy man and simply do not
to the Tower. Said Mrs Allison;
again for three hours.” have the time to pay attention to
‘Well, I didn’t used to be fond of Chilcot officials catch up serious poltical stories.”
‘em when one moved in next door - ‘Cannabis?’ said one Islington
with plot of ‘In The Loop’
we thought it was going to all Abba socialite, who asked to be given
This week Sir Michael Wood, chief
and loud botty sex, but they’ve the pseudonym ‘Nigella’. ‘Far too
lawyer for the Foreign Office, is