TowerTimes

Features: British televi-

WHAT WILL
sion should either change
or die. Can UK broad-
casting directors hon-
estly believe that reality
TV-shows (and I use the

WE SEE
term loosely) and catch
phrase dependent farses
are forms of entertain-
ment? page ??

Fashion: “How to break

FOR OUR
into London’s fashion
industry and what were
her inspirations? Imogen
Belfield knows the an-
swer. page ??

HIGHER
Editorial: Religious
freedoms are only one kind,
neither better nor worse.
page 4

FEES?
Sports: “It’s been 14
years since the UK en-
joyed their last major
sporting event - the Euro
‘96 - and we’re just over
two years away from the
next one - London’s 2012
Olympics.” - page 24

Feature By: Fisnik Rexhepi

Students and School leavers in

England are worried that tuition
fees may double in the near future.
Although there are no official an-
nouncements on this issue, reports
are circulating in the media that
many vice-chancellors want to
charge undergraduates
up to £7,000 a-year for a degree
course, while some have called for
the introduction of American-style
unlimited fees. Better higher edu-
cation is interpreted as a cause for
a rising in tuition fees.
18-year old Fidan Sogojeva, who
studying A Levels at “Westminster
Academy 6-th Forum”, London,
and planning on going to univer-
sity, said that a rise in fees will
strongly influence his decision to
apply for university, saying “I’m at
the position in my life where I’m
unsure if the cost of going to stud-
ies will be worthwhile”.
Brigitte Leim, a 21 year old
Hungarian, is also turned off by
student fees. “Until now I was
News 2
CONTRIBUTORS
News
Mark Oxley - Editor
Adam Whitaker
SU INCHES TOWARDS
INDEPENDENCE
Fisnik Rexhepi
Yasmin Begum
Aisha Malik

Features News By: Mark Oxley

Charlotte Sundberg - Editor The Tower has learnt that Lon- and shop, or from the sale of NUS form and standing that it hasn’t
Hector Galvis
don Metropolitan University, has cards, the wages paid to executive had before. Under new regulations,
Lynda Piggott
John Linger applied to make Student Union members means that it does meet for example, the SU would be able
Kerris Gibson (MetSU) a charity body under this threshold. to trade under its own name. It
Nat Jones changes in the law. The move is also regulates charity events, such
Michel Narvaez required by the 2006 Charities Act, “It’s an opportunity to as rag weeks, which would help in
Vanessa which redefines Student Unions solidify the presence and providing charity collectors with
Aurelija Gobyte into charitable organizations, independence of the Stu- legitimacy in the public eye.
Victoria Revell
Reina Shimada
meaning that they will be regulated dent Union” “It’s an opportunity to solidify
by the Charities Commission. the presence and independence of
Ana Silva Pessanha
Amy Furniss Under these new rules, an SU However, the changes will the Student Union”, said the SUs
Siie Von Den Hint must have an income of over involve minor alternations to the Vice-President (North), Ritchie
Christian Eriksson £10,000 a year to count. Although constitution, already undergoing Sethi, who approves of the change.
Janelle Hawthorne MetSU does not directly receive re-assessment. The major change
income from the studnet bars will be in giving the SU a legal
Fashion
Danni Keane - Editor
Kylie Vanacore
Ali Day
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Emily Moore “[The BBC has commissioned a report to combat the threat it] feels from critics
Chandni Kaur including Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corporation which owns Sky TV,
Matt Dodimead
the Times and the Sun, and David Cameron.”
- The Guardian
Sport
Christian Eriksson - Editor

STARTING PISTOL
Elliot Steen
Matt Dodimead
Raheela Shakir
Linda Mawunga

5 NEWS AND POLITICS
BLOGS TO WATCH
Ministry of Truth
Number 6 on the Bloody Devils
list, this insightful blog is irregular,
but thorough.
http://www.ministryoftruth.
me.uk/
Bad Science
Self-confessed geek and D-list
celebrity
skewers the bad science in our
papers.
http://www.badscience.net/
Iain Dale’s Blog
This ex-conservative candidate’s
blog is in the know.
http://iaindale.blogspot.com/
Glenn Greenwald
Salon.com’s resident blogger gives
thoughtful opinions on American
politics
http://www.salon.com/news/
opinion/glenn_greenwald/
Tory Troll
Adam Bienkov reports London’s
goings-on.
http://torytroll.blogspot.com/
FIRED ON 2010
News By: Mark Oxley
On 1st February, the Student Un-
ion will invite students to nomi-
nate themselves for positions on
the Student’s Union’s Executive
Council. The elections will take
place in March after complaints
about the previous years’ elections
taking place during May’s exams
period.
The nomination period runs
from 1st February to the 15th,
with all potential statesmen (and
women) requiring 40 signatures in
order to run in the elections.
According to Communications
Officer Rishi Pancholi, he will be
putting himself forward for the
role of President. He also con-
firmed that LGBT Society head
Phillipe Giovanni Chiarella is also
thinking of running for the top job. Rishi Pancholi, Communications Officer and prespective
Both individuals have considerable presidential candidate,
experience working for the Student working with the new Vice-Chan- elections as a make or break time
Union, with Chiarella voted into cellor, progress reports written for the Student Union due to the
the role of Vice-Chair of the Stu- by Executive members and seen electoral difficulties of previous
dent Council. by the Tower describe a difficult years. Last years’ elections had a
Meanwhile, President Yeashir relationship with the uni versity, 1.5% turnout, which was blamed
Ahmed and Vice-President (North which is a likely cause for their on the voting period being run dur-
Campus) Ritchie Sethi, will not be frustration. ing the exams period and a lack of
seeking re-election. Student Support Officer Eddie competition amongst candidates.
Despite their enthusiasm for Rowley had described last years’
News
FEES RISE, STANDARDS REMAIN THE SAME
Continued from front page...
working very hard in saving money
to fund myself, as I thought a stu-
dent loan won’t be necessary. But
if the suggestions are true than I’ll
carry on with my work in a restau-
rant as I don’t see any reason to
study.”
Parents are also concerned about
the possible rise in fees. “This
is just crazy. I and my daughter
already set plans for future stud-
ies, but yet another rise in fees will
definitely jeopardise these plans.
I’m very angered that in most of
the countries fees are far less than
here, or probably free”, said Ner-
iman Ramnishta a 31 year mum
from London.
The Student Union is also con-
cerned about how a rise in fees will
affect students, as the University
draws most of its students from
ordinary working families.
“Higher fees will affect
not only students in Lon-
donMet, but all students
across England.”
Richi Pancholi communication
and campaigns officer at London-
Met said: “Higher fees will affect
not only students in LondonMet,
but all students across England.
Students all over are confused
with these extensive allegations,
as nothing has been confirmed yet.
They don’t know anything about
their future, or what is going to
happen to them. It has been said
that the review is taking place, but
I fear that anything will happen
before the general election”.
“We showed our strong disa-
greement together with National
universities of Students (NUS), in
joining them in front of parliament
to show our anger”. Pancholi went
on to say that that the number of
students in LondonMet has al-
ready fallen heavily, decreasing
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
• Top-up fees (not their of-
ficial name) are a way of
charging tuition to under-
graduate and PGCE stu-
dents, who study at uni-
versities in England and
Wales.
• Universities are able to
charge students anything
from £0 up to a maximum
of £3,225 per year.
Fidan Sogojeva Image: Fisnik Rexhepi
from 36,000 to 27,000.
“We as a Student Union at the
moment already notified students
with proposals. But we are not
happy enough in delivering this
message due to the lack of funds”,
he concluded.
What concerns the Student Union
is the proposal to limit the number
of home students admitted to
universities, while not doing the
same for international students.
Richi Sethi, Vice President for
Education and representation in
North Campus in LondonMet said:
“home students are expensive; part
of their education comes from the
public funding. There’s no cap on
international students as they are
self funding. They generate a lot of
money for Universities”.
LondonMet management de-
clined to state their position on the
issue, saying “we as a university
don’t make decisions on tuition
fees. They come from the govern-
ment”, said Wendy James, admis-
sion officer in LondonMet.
With a General Election to be
• English and Northern
Irish students pay top-up
fees wherever they study
in the UK
• Welsh students pay top-up
fees in England, Scotland
or Northern Ireland, but
only at £1,250 a year if
they remain in Wales or
study a course elsewhere
that is not available at any
Welsh university.
called this year, student funding
likely to be a campaigning issue,
especially given the parties’ need to
reach out to younger voters.
Glenda Jackson, Labour MP for
Hampstead & Highgate defended
fee rises, saying “taxpayers should
not be the only one to pay for
higher tuition fees. It is just unaf-
fordable”.
“the goal of widening
participation, affordabil-
ity and the desirability
of a simplification of the
student support system”
However she backed away from
a clear stance, saying “it’s not
whether I’ll challenge this issue,
but what we need at the moment
is a huge debate towards tuition
fees”. She also stressed that “the
debate should be concentrated
only in how much students should
pay, not whether who is going to
pay”.
Sarah Thompson, Public Com-
• Scottish students pay top-
up fees in England, Wales
or Northern Ireland; if
they remain in Scotland
no fees are paid as of the
abolition of the Graduate
Endowment Fee in 2007.
• International students pay
their universities’ inter-
national fees, which are
much higher than top-up
fees.
3
munication Unit officer at the gov-
ernment’s Department for Busi-
ness Innovation and Skills, told the
Tower Times that the government
would be conducting an independ-
ent report on student fees and
funding. She said that the report
would consider “the goal of widen-
ing participation, affordability and
the desirability of a simplification
of the student support system”,
with an emphasis on ensuring that
the costs of higher education are
paid fairly by all parts of society.
She claimed that the government
had worked to remove cost as a
barrier to university by the abol-
ishing up-front fees, ensuring that
students only pay their fees back
if they earn over a certain amount
and by providing grants and bur-
saries for students from poorer
backgrounds.
She also mentioned Higher
Ambitions, a new initiative to that
would apparently ensure that Brit-
ish universities attracted world-
class students.
• EU students pay the same
fees as nationals of the
country they are studying
in.
• Legislation to enable the
introduction of top-up
fees was proposed by the
Labour Party Secretary
of State for Education
Charles Clarke and be-
came law in the Higher
Education. The law came
into effect for the 2006-
2007 academic year.
News
LGBT MONTH COMES TO
LONDON MET
February has been designated LGBT Month, focusing on Lesbian, Gay, Bi- and
Trans-sexual people and their contributions to society. Events celebrating LGBT
history will be running at the universityand across the country.
By: Mark Oxley
LGBT History Month was a grass-
roots event created in the wake of
New Labour’s program to abolish
Section 28 and improve LGBT
rights in the UK.
LGBT Society head, Phillipe
Giovani Chiarella, backed the
programme of events, saying that
“LGBT History Month aims to cel-
ebrate the impact that LGBT have
had, and continue to have, in soci-
ety. It also allows us to recognise
how far ahead the UK is in terms
of the rights of LGBT people, and
look at far others have to come.
In a great deal of countries homo-
sexuality is illegal and punishable
by death.”
The educational group School’s
OUT, which is behind the drive
to bring homosexuality out of the
closet, will be helping set up events
which, will be played out in both
public and private spaces.
Until recently, LGBT history in
the UK has been one of repression.
Despite recommendations as early
as 1957 that male homosexuality
should not be a criminal act, politi-
cal attitudes remained steadfast.
Fear of male homosexual activity
IN OUR ANGER WE DO NOTHING
Concern over the implementation of police powers
and tactics has been big national news over the last
year, yet as is often the case, any real arguments and
suggestions for change never left the papers.
Comment By Adam Whittaker
Granted, the original outcry over
the handling of the G20 summit by
the Metropolitan Police was a tad
overzealous, because this time they
had stuff on camera and so the
public apparently became angry,
briefly.
I do not mean to suggest that
people are not angered by the state
of law enforcement. In anger we
“Is law enforcement over-
valued, underpaid and
underachieving?”
see good evidence that the po-
lice departments do not have the
resources to enforce their swinging
agendas, that the conduct of offic-
ers is largely ignored within cer-
tain departments, that the prison
system fails, that judicial systems
fail, that government initiatives
(lesbianism was not legally recog-
nized) was even believed by some
to be the downfall of the British
Empire. There was such fear in
some quarters that mirrors were
placed in public toilets,allowing
policement to check on the behav-
iour of anyone inside.
The Sexual Offences Act of 1967
decriminalized certain homosexual
behavior, although courts often
interpreted the act as strictly as
possible against those accused of
breaking the law. However LGBT
rights were rolled back under
the Thatcher government, which
famously brought in the repressive
and vague Section 28, banning the
‘acceptability of homosexuality’.
LGBT rights were reinstated and
extended under New Labour in
2006.
London highlights include the
launch of an advice book for gay
Christians, a lecture on homo-
sexuality in ancient Greece and
a collection of films about queer
identity from the BFI film archive.
More details can be found at lgb-
thistorymonth.org.uk and metlgbt.
co.uk.
are hypocritical, on and on we see
insurmountable odds and in our
anger we do nothing, we do not
care enough.
What can the police actually
accomplish? Is law enforcement
overvalued, underpaid and un-
derachieving? Do you know that
my answer
would likely be yes?
On their website, Islington po-
lice display a mission statement 2
years out of date. Not too concern-
ing in itself, since any new version
would contain the same pacifying
vagaries and valiant posturing. But
once again, nobody seems to care.
On the 12th of January 2010,
the European Court of Human
rights ruled that it was unlawful
for UK police to use ‘arbitrary’
counter-terror stop and search
powers. How will this be enforced?
Events
Tuesday 9th February
6.00-9.00pm
Beyond Isis and Osiris: Alternate
Sexualities in Ancient Egypt.
Venue: The Petrie Museum of
Egyptian Archaeology
Thursday 11th February
Guided walk 6.15pm followed by
talk 7.30pm
Admission Free. RSVP required
(for both walk and talk)
Tuesday 23rd February
6-9pm Film starts at 7.00pm
FilmNight“Before Stonewall”
Before Stonewall: The Making of a
Gay and Lesbian Community is a
1984 historical documentary film
about the LGBT community prior
to the 1969 Stonewall riots.
Friday 26th February
6.00pm-9.00pm
HIV, Apathy, and ActivismToday
- Does The Gay Community Still
Exist?
Though the ruling stipulates that
‘injured parties’ must be compen-
sated, it does not really explain
how police should distinguish stop
and search cases in future, since it
is assumed that the Terrorism Act
is still to be enforced. Certainly it
guarantees that the issues will not
be addressed for some time. Do
most people even care?
“Of all agencies, law en-
forcement should be the
most directly in check.”
Unsurprisingly, black or Asian
men were far more likely to be
stopped, and that the actions of
individual officers were not being
effectively monitored etc. How
dulled we must be to be able to
read and hear such compelling
things and simply shrug. I know I
do.
It may seem that I am advocat-
ing fatalism. On the contrary, it
is exhilarating to think of people
actively working for actual legisla-
tive changes in spite of confound-
ing obstacles. Of all agencies, law
enforcement should be the most
4
EDITORIAL: ARE MY
RIGHTS BETTER THAN
YOUR RIGHTS?
This month will see events set up
across the country dedicated to
‘breaking the silence’ about gay
culture and history.
The events come at a time when
the House of Lords has again
defeated the government over
equality law as applied to religious
organisations.
According to the Archbishop of
York who participated in the de-
bate, “if religious freedom means
anything it must mean that those
are matters for the churches and
other religious organisations to
determine for themselves in ac-
cordance with their own convic-
tions.”
But religious freedoms do not
exist in a vacuum - they operate in
a society that carries its own con-
viction that open secularism works
and that people, be they black or
gay or other are people and have
freedoms.
Not only that but openness
wears down prejudice like water
wearing down damming rocks -
leaving future generations wonder-
ing how such bigotry existed in the
first place.
Faiths have no right to rule, only
the right to persuade.
There is nothing wrong with
belief in itself, but when it tries
to override the rights of others by
force it trades away the basis of its
own legitimacy.
directly in check. Yet it has no
obligations to face independent
enquiries.
And when do you call the police?
Most people I ask mention circum-
stances that do not require urgen-
cy, situations requiring something
like a bailiff, to intervene.
So...I suppose something of a point
is required. Hard, since I have ar-
gued so vaguely and accusatorily,
as any good commentator should.
Well, look at it this way. You can
either:
• Face the tangible reality that in
any society, the problems effecting
crime are as interconnected as any
other arbitrary chunk infrastruc-
ture and that law enforcement can
only ever enforce a tiny fraction of
its agenda.
• Or plug your ears and get used
to those drunken weekend beat-
downs outside your house, because
they’re not going anywhere.
News 5

ASSETS SET TO SELL?

Large-scale redundan-
cies, the sale of student
halls, the reduction of
modules and massive
debt to HEFCE. Does the
university have anything
left to sell?
Feature By: Yasmnin Begum
The New Year brings a new ray of
hope. The arrival of the new Vice
Chancellor at London Metropoli-
tan University, Malcolm Gillies,
will no doubt be debated among
media moguls.
Due to the University grabbing
immense media attention over
recent months with regards to staff
protests and the governors refus-
ing to step down, the nation has
seen it all. It is uncertain whether
the public, the students and the
2000+ staff will stand by him in
his efforts to restore the reputation
and stability of the university.
A fifth of all staff being made
redundant has been the outcry
between students and lecturers
alike. Amid rumors is that, degrees
will soon be consisting of three
modules rather then the usual
four. These claims have been met
with furious comebacks from stu-
dents, who are demanding to know
what their degrees will be worth if
this idea is put in to action? Then
finally we heard that the governors
were making a stand, an inap-
propriate one, but none the less a
stand. They will not resign.
With Hefce scrutinising those in
authority, things aren’t looking too
rosy. Students have been dragged
in to the spotlight time and time
again, and so the question arises, The famous Tower Building of London Met Image: Charlotte Sundberg
what exactly is being done to tackle
these notorious headlines? for its two campuses, London assets is not a new one. around less than £100 per foot. It
It is common knowledge that the North Campus, on Holloway Road, Savilles, an estate agent special- accommodates a mere 5% teach-
University needs to repay the Gov- North London and City Campus, ising in commercial sectors were ing facility but 89% of the building
ernment over £36million. A fail- in the heart of East End, Aldgate. more then willing to help. Based consists of its departmental usage.
ure of interpretations and claims These two campuses are depicted on the location and residential If the university was to sell this
on non existing students are said into a total of nineteen buildings. factors, not to mention Arsenal library, the facilities could easily be
to be the cause of this huge debt. Could this possibly be a venture for Stadium being of walking distance, relocated to The Learning Centre,
the question now is, how can this the university and the incoming Tower Building, situated on Hol- on Holloway Road.
money be recovered? Vice Chancellor? loway Road, was estimated at Buildings such as Central House
It is important to address what It seems ideal that the university around £150 per foot, giving it an and Commercial Road Building,
options are available to the new could sell some of its counter parts; approximate value of a staggering which have a teaching and aca-
Vice Chancellor to ensure the Uni- after all, it is possible to combine £49Million. demic usage of over 50% should
versity does not endure closure. all campuses and merge them as Yes, it is jaw dropping worthy. remain separate from the uni-
With an incentive of five years to one. But with house prices fluctu- It may not be convenient to sell versity’s assets. Many buildings
make all repayments, how will the ating and our economy dwindling, the biggest most expensive and in North Campus have less than
university survive this drought? how do we know how much good extensively used building of them 50% teaching and academic usage
The sale of student halls, espe- will come out of the sale of these all, but at least the university has deeming it possible to be sold.
cially The Arcade in North London landmark buildings? the comfort of knowing the other So, we have a solution to the
next to the university’s London properties may be worth selling. problem. We have a solution to
North Campus, was infamous Valuation Other buildings located around end the chaos and cease media
last year. The number of student The Estates Department in Sta- the North Campus, N7 postal area invasions. We all agree immediate
spaces available for enrollment pleton House, Holloway Road, also had the valuation of £150 per action is required. If not by selling
have become limited compared retracted permission to allow the foot. City Campus buildings were the properties, the university could
to last year. With 416 staff being publication of the valuations of the estimated to be worth £100 per lease some to other outside parties,
fired, degrees being cut and stu- university buildings. Hence we are foot, bearing in mind residential from the ten freehold buildings it
dent accommodation being sold, left with no choice but to ponder, factors and size proximity. possesses. This alternative could
what could possibly be next? ‘why the sudden stance of secrecy,’ The Women’s Library, situated and should be investigated further.
London Metropolitan is famous the idea of the university selling in City Campus, was estimated at
News
IS THE IN SIGHT?
Timeline of events at London Met Illustration: Aisha Malik
After days of protesting, weeks of waiting, and months of student uncertainty, are students achieving what
they had hoped for? Students must have endured months of anxiety about the future of their university and
staff fighting for their jobs, until finally the Vice Chancellor and the Board of Governors gave up their posi-
tions.
Interview By: Aisha Malik
So what about the future of Lon-
don Metropolitan University?
A huge financial crisis at a
university means huge cuts in the
budget in order to save money.
It’s not surprising what the first
cuts were aimed to be- redundan-
cies. The University College Union
(UCU), initially predicted a cut of
approximately 500 jobs, however
“all in all there was a total number
of around 300 job cuts at the
university” states Cliff Snaith, the
UCU officer at London Met.
“Many employees realised that
they were better off taking volun-
tary redundancy rather than being
made redundant by the university.
So in actual fact there were around
250 voluntary redundancies and
only about 50 compulsory redun-
dancies.”
Mr Snaith argues that the majority
of the job losses were due to vol-
untary redundancies because “they
got a better deal that way. They
would get paid a two weeks wage
for every year they had been work-
ing here whereas the compulsory
redundancies got slightly less”.
Another method of significantly
cutting down costs was to get rid of
whole departments at the univer-
sity. “It’s difficult to estimate how
many departments have closed
down, but it is mainly single mod-
ules that have had to go,” added
Mr Snaith.
Hope and change of Gillies
With the new Vice Chancellor
Malcolm Gillies arriving on the
scene just in time, it seems like a
step forward for the university. Mr
Snaith has “hope” that Mr Gillies
will bring change and create a bet-
ter working environment for both
students and staff.
“There will be no more
cuts from university
staff”
- Cliff Snaith
“Each department had to put
forward a plan to save money, and
those departments whose plans
were not sufficient enough were
likely to be shut”. “However in
some cases instead of closing down
whole departments, most modules
had just been narrowed down in
order to save on costs. Even so,
a number of courses were forced
to close down because they were
highly understaffed,” explains Mr
Snaith.
The question of ‘any further cuts’
comes to mind as these cuts can-
not possibly be enough to pay back
the millions the university owes to
the HEFCE. A confident Mr Snaith
states “No there will be no more
cuts made from the university
staff”.
Instead Mr Snaith argues that
if there are to be any more cuts
made, they should be made from
“management, both middle and
senior. They haven’t taken any
cuts at all and yet they continue to
give themselves bigger bonuses!
The university would benefit from
them leaving”.
Preferred to leave
Steve Jones, an English Lan-
guage Studies lecturer, had also
described the popular choice of
voluntary redundancies to be more
“financially favourable”.
One particular department
that is being forced to close many
modules and turn the remaining
modules into joint degrees is the
Languages department, which Mr
Jones works in. He said that: “As
well as English language, French
is also being shut, German was
closed a few years ago, and Span-
ish and Latin American Studies
has been reduced to a joint degree
only.
“Perhaps subjects like philoso-
6
phy should have been considered
before English Language. There
are not that many students who do
philosophy and it is not a growing
degree so I’m not quite sure why it
has survived when English has not.
One member of staff wondered
whether in some cases departmen-
tal managers wanted to get rid of
certain people and that sometimes
the only way they could achieve
this was to propose closing down
the whole course on which they
were teaching”
“We lost many students
who deemed the degree
as being too hard”
- Steve Jones
“However the logical explanation
that the university will probably
give you is that some students used
the English Language degree as a
way to transfer onto other degrees.
Therefore we lost many students
who deemed the degree as being
too hard”.
Mr Jones’ home truths show us
the ‘behind the scenes’ footage and
the unjust decisions made by the
people at the top.
News
NOT QUITE THE NEWS
Because sometimes it’s hard to take
this stuff seriously
Woman Proves Breasts
Still Popular Look
People from around the world
stopped to gawk as ‘Mad Men’
actress Christina Hendricks
stepped onto the red carpet of the
unfortunately titled ‘Golden Gobes’
awards.
“Christina reminds people that,
despite everything magazines say,
real women with actual hips and
everything are still hugely popular”
said one commentator, who just
couldn’t stop staring.
“nuddie pics or get off”
The pictures also created an inter-
net buzz, where it have been
posted. ‘Wow, I’d hit that’, said
fatman118. Not all were im-
pressed. ‘nuddie pics or get off’,
said Hardman332, summarising
his feelings about the claims that a
newspaper had doctored her image
to make her look fatter.
“How am I supposed to deal
with this?” Asked a fashion de-
signer who agreed to talk on the
condition of anonymity. “I need
women who look like 12-year old
boys, not like women! My clothes
are supposed to fall, not hang off
their top shelf! I can’t actually use
boys, they tend to be obvious really
quickly - Where am I going to get
my models now?”
Malcolm Gillies is new
Obama, Says Fans
City of London professor Malcolm
Gillies was hailed as ‘London Met’s
Obama’ by fans looking forward to
his move to the troubled univer-
sity.
“The parallels are obvious” said
one supporter. “Obama inherited
his position after everyone got sick
of the previous incumbent driving
the country into the ground and
destroying its reputation. He’s
also got a lot of hope pinned on
him by people who haven’t met
him yet.’
Public Realises Gay Peo-
ple Are Just Like Everyone
Else
A recent survey of pulic opinions
by the National Centre for Social
Research has revealed that only
36% of Britons have a problem
with gay people living their lives
and not bothering anyone else.
The Allisons, a middle-aged
couple from Manchester spoke
to the Tower. Said Mrs Allison;
‘Well, I didn’t used to be fond of
‘em when one moved in next door -
we thought it was going to all Abba
and loud botty sex, but they’ve
7
been really good so far.’
‘Definitely’, agreed husband
John. ‘I was a bit worried, but
about a week after moving in ,
but I heard him having a big row
with his boyfriend and it struck
me - gay couples argue just like we
do! Suddenly he seemed a lot less
threatening.’
‘I’m not worried about our boy
turning out gay’ said Alex and
Namira from North London. ‘To
be honest, we’ve always wondered
about him, ever since he asked to
go to drama school, so it wouldn’t
be a shock to us. At least he reads
- he’s half-way through the com-
plete Oscar Wilde!’
Republican advocates ‘Old
Yeller’ treatment for poor
This week Lt. Governor. Andre
Baue of South Carolina explained
the Republican’s sensible and
absolutely not insane plan to deal
with the poor.
‘My grandmother was not a
highly educated woman, but she
showed me as a small child how to
deal with the poor.
‘The lesson came when, as a
nine-year old boy, my farm dog
broke its leg. It refused to work
anymore, becoming lazy and use-
less. Instead of working it spent
its time among the bitches and
smoking pot. Rather than letting it
breed more lame dogs she told me
what I had to do. I took a gun and
dragged that dog out back. He’s
still buried out there.
‘And that’s how I’m going to deal
with unemployment in this great,
redneck state.’
His Democratic opponent said
‘while I may not agree with Mr. Christina Hendricks, winner of the ‘Most Cancelled TV Show’
Baue’s sentiment, I intend to fol- Award, 2002. Copyright FOX Corporation.
low in our great Democratic party
common darling and simply not expected to go before the Chilcot
tradition of offering my uncon-
worth it. Given today’s prices, one Enquiry and explain the plot of
ditional surrender to his point
is far better off with some Colum- satirical movie ‘In The Loop’.
of view and letting this yahoo do
bian marching powder.’ In an interview with the Tower,
anything he likes. Would you like
‘Oh, totally,’ agreed another Sir Wood said that he would tell
me to hold your ammo belt Mr
socialite, who simply called him- the committee that ’In the film,
Baue, sir?
self ‘Archie’. I mean, who wants to spin doctor Malcolm Tucker doc-
spend money simply to lie around tors a report to give the Americans
Survey Finds Public all day and get red-eye? For the a reason to invade an unthreaten-
Against Cannabis as ‘Too same price I can redecorate my ing middle-eastern country. It’s a
Chavvy’ kitchen in half the time or dance great film, with a cracking script.
The latest findings, from the Na- all night with some top totty. Of course, something like that
tional Centre for Social Research, ‘Besides,’ he admitted, ‘I once could never happen in real life, I’m
reveal that 58% of the public had a bad experience with can- sure.’
thought that cannabis should be nabis. I slumped onto a beanbag ‘I’m glad we’re having this im-
banned for being too common. and couldn’t get up again for three portant witness come to us’, said
hours. I ended up calling emer- Lord Chilcott. ‘While I appreciate
“I slumped onto a bean- gency services and they were very that everyone already knows the
bag and couldn’t get up sarcastic. I just nearly died from plot and how it all ends, I am a
shame!’ very busy man and simply do not
again for three hours.” have the time to pay attention to
Chilcot officials catch up serious poltical stories.”
‘Cannabis?’ said one Islington
with plot of ‘In The Loop’
socialite, who asked to be given
This week Sir Michael Wood, chief
the pseudonym ‘Nigella’. ‘Far too
lawyer for the Foreign Office, is