Raise the Roof

By Jess Martinez

CHARACTERS

Isabella (Late 20’s): The gym instructor. She is anxious and unhealthy in every
possible way; bipolar to the max.

Georgina/“Gigi” (Early 40’s): The gym receptionist. Quite gossipy and

shamelessly flirty; an ultra sex kitten.

Sam (Early 20’s): The gym protein station boy. An openly flamboyant; very
gorgeous and daft.

David Rhodes (Early 30’s): A famous comedian except good looking and very full
of himself.

TIME: Present

WHERE: Chicago

1
NOTE ABOUT THE SETTING: A modest-sized “gym” with a few yoga mats neatly lined
around the center (when needed.) A small Reception Desk to the left, a Protein Station
to the right. This will be the only set needed throughout the play. No actual gym
machinery will be used and is highly discouraged.

SCENE ONE

An attractive and overly dressed woman, GIGI, sits at the Reception Desk. As she chats
on the phone, SAM, peels some fruit at the Protein Station.

GIGI
No, they still haven’t found him yet… Mmmhmm… He struck
twice already… Honey, I don’t need a weapon. (Sighs) Well,
you know, it’s just not good for business. People don’t want to
spend what little they got right now and having a man-on-
the-loose isn’t helping… Yes, I hope so too. (Pause) Well…
at this rate, we won’t be here much longer, I can tell ya that.

A few GYM-GOERS stretch on their mats while the instructor, ISABELLA, gives them
pointers. Other Gym-Goers on the left pretend to be on treadmills, while Gym-Goers on
the right pretend to lift weights.

ISABELLA
(Runs to the front full of energy)
Alright gang, everybody up! (Everyone stands up) Now…
breathe in. (Everyone exaggerates their breathing)And…
breathe ouuut… Arms up… Wave them around… Circle
them around… Small circles, small circles now!... And drop!
(She claps and beams) Great job gang! Now, no class
is complete without just a liiittle extra boost. (The Gym-Goers get
in place, excited) Hit it, Sam!

SAM
(Inserts a CD on a stereo)
You got it baby!

The “Electric Cha-Cha Slide” plays. Isabella and the Gym-Goers dance to the first
fifteen to twenty seconds and happily sing along. Sam joins them from his station.

ISABELLA
(Claps)
Alright gang! See you on Thursday! Be safe!

The class collects their yoga mats and exits. Gigi looks at the time and motions to the
person on the other line to wait. She presses the speaker button on the phone.

2
 GIGI
(Sweet airline voice)
Attention ladies and gentlemen, Raise the Roof gym will be
closing in thirty minutes. Anyone who has a hot date tonight
is highly encouraged to take a shower beforehand. We will
open again tomorrow at seven. Goodnight y’all—be good!

The remaining Gym-Goers grab their towels and scurry out. Gigi steps out of her station
with Windex and paper towels. Isabella walks over to the Protein Station and sits
exhausted with her head down on the table.

SAM
(Cleans around)
What’s shakin’ bacon? How was your day today?

Isabella looks up at him and begins to cry. She smacks her head repeatedly against the
counter. Gigi comes behind Isabella and gives Sam a look.

SAM
Is that why you told me not to talk to her?

GIGI
(Mouths)
The Boyfriend.

SAM
(Mouths)
Who?

GIGI
(Impatiently)
Theee Boyyyfriiiend!!! He moved out!

SAM
(Mouths)
What?

GIGI
(Mouths)
He moved OUT!

SAM
(Mouths)
When?! Why?!

GIGI
(Mouths)
He broke up with her!

3
 SAM
(Blurts out loudly)
HE BROKE UP WITH HER!!!

Isabella looks up, miserable.

ISABELLA
He doesn’t love me…he doesn’t think he ever did. He found…
someone… else… and… MOVED IN WITH HEEEERRR!!

SAM
Oh, honey!

He pours some juice into a tall glass and takes out a flask from his pocket. He pours most
of it out and hands it to Isabella.

SAM
(Cont’d)
Drink this straight down. You’ll feel so much better. I
do it all the time!

Isabella drinks obediently. Gigi looks at both of them incrediously.

GIGI
What are you doing! (Sprays Windex in Isabella’s face) Put
that down!

Isabella gasps and places down her drink.

SAM
I told you to stop doing that!

GIGI
Bells, this is a good thing! You spent nearly six years with
that asshole despite what we told you—

ISABELLA
What did you ever say?

GIGI
How he was a good for nothing!

ISABELLA
He was nothing but nice!

GIGI
Spent too much time on the road—

4
 ISABELLA
He’s a missionary!

SAM
Has too many good looking male friends—

ISABELLA
Duh. He’s Asian!

GIGI
… And female friends…

ISABELLA
(Long pause)
I don’t want to talk about it.

GIGI
Bells, we’re not trying to put you down—

ISABELLA
I know, I know. (Pauses) I want to go home. (Gets up) I’ll
see you guys tomorrow. Keep the parking lights on until they
catch that jerk.

Isabella takes out a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and exits.

GIGI
(Shouts)
You’re gonna get cancer!

SAM
And horrible wrinkles! (Sighs) That’s why I quit myself.

Gigi sprays some Windex on his face.

GIGI
Cheaper than a dermatologist.

SAM
I would punch you if I knew you wouldn’t punch me back.
(Gently blots face with a napkin) Sales weren’t that great today.

GIGI
Didn’t I tell you to take your shirt off again! Those pecks
pay my rent.

SAM

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 Not today; I’m bloated.

GIGI
Well, we gotta find a way to make a quick buck. I don’t think
I can show anymore than the law states.

Gigi and Sam stare sadly at Gigi’s outfit when David walks in. He wears shades and
dark clothes. He looks around nervously. Sam nudges Gigi who twirls around.

GIGI
Sorry sir, we’re closed for the day—

DAVID
(Looks over his shoulder)
I know, I’m just here to— (Coughs uncomfortably) get signed
up for membership.

Gigi looks at David as if she were scanning him.

GIGI
Say… you look familiar.

DAVID
I do?

GIGI
It’s dark outside. Why are you wearing shades?

DAVID
What?

SAM
And you’re indoors.

DAVID
(Embarrassed)
I just don’t want to be seen.

GIGI
(Warily)
Why not?

David approaches them quickly and reaches into his pocket.

DAVID
(Exasperated)
Can we just do this quickly?

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 SAM
What are you doing!

DAVID
I’m just taking out my—

Gigi lunges after David and pins him down. Sam screams while Gigi takes off her shoe
and beats David repeatedly.

GIGI
Get the gun! Get the gun!

SAM
I’m not ready for this! I’m too pretty!

GIGI
Just do it!

Sam looks through David’s pockets.

SAM
Please don’t rape me, I’m aware of how desirable I
can be—

DAVID
What the fuck! What the fuck! WATCH IT! That is
not a gun!

David’s shades are accidentally knocked off. Sam and Gigi gasp at the same time.

SAM/GIGI
David Rhodes!

SAM
(Ecstatic)
Ohmygod, I’m such a fan!

DAVID
(Grits teeth)
Please get off me.

GIGI
(Surprised)
You’re so much more good looking in person.

SAM
Are you thirsty? I make a killer guanabana.

7
 DAVID
Seriously, I can’t breathe.

Sam and Gigi help him up.

GIGI
We thought you were the guy who’s going around
mugging people.

DAVID
Why the HELL would you think that?

SAM
The shades.

GIGI
The dark clothes… the nervousness…

Sam nods in agreement and both of them drift off in thought. David slowly begins to walk
away.

GIGI/SAM
Don’t go David Rhodes!

SAM
We’re very sorry! Please don’t leave! Join our gym! We’re fun!

GIGI
We’ll give you a discount!

David is about to leave…

SAM
Free protein shakes!

GIGI
Free locker storage!

SAM
Free private trainer!!!

DAVID
(Stops)
A private trainer? Really?

SAM
I went too far didn’t I?

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 GIGI
(Lost in thought)
Hold the phone, you might be on to something here…
David Rhodes… the poster child for Raise the Roof…
Oooh. I’m getting turned on already. (Whispers to Sam)
This could really boost our sales.

SAM
OHMYGOD, DO YOU THINK HE’LL SAY YES?!

DAVID
I don’t think I’m allowed to sign up for these kinds of things
without my lawyer present. Besides… a gym ad? I don’t
know. Not to mention you attacked me prior to this.

GIGI
But imagine this! (“Paints a picture”) Your ad all over
Chicago, looking lean, mean, and ready to eat. Everyone
wanting to BE like you. Everyone LIKING you. Ads work.
They make people richer and have been medically proven to
boost self-esteem.

Sam nods in agreement.

DAVID
A private trainer would be great right now since… nevermind.

GIGI
Julia dumped you for Richard in Hawaii just before the
Golden Globes because you’ve been putting on weight and
haven’t gotten any good roles since The Hangover 2? Yeah, I know.

SAM
(Places hand on his shoulder and frowns)
We all know.

DAVID
I have about six weeks before the awards. Can you make me
nice and buff? Can you make me look so incredible that I might
just be able to be a little snippet in People Magazine’s “Sexiest
Man Alive” issue?

GIGI
Of course we can! (Motions towards Reception Desk) Let’s fill
out some paperwork.

DAVID
If only you could find me a date for the Golden Globes. A

9
 gorgeously average everyday fit American with the occasional
smoking and drinking problem, but not too occasional that it
begins to be more questionable, and certainly not a headline in
the tabloids. Not that that’s an issue either.

Sam and Gigi look at each other.

DAVID
(Cont’d)
Who’s my trainer?

GIGI/SAM
(Smiles)
Isabella.

LIGHTS OUT.

SCENE TWO

The gym is empty and silent. Isabella enters drunk and disheveled. A coffee in one hand
and dragging a duffel, she flops herself on the floor crying. She lays her head on the
duffel and quickly passes out. A few seconds.

A high-pitch laughter is heard off-stage. Gigi enters in a small tennis outfit; Sam wears a
similar one.

SAM
Are you serious?! And the whole thing just popped?!

GIGI
Mmmhmm. Punched her right on her nipple. (Hand motions)
Kaboooom! Water everywhere!

SAM
Oh, you’re so ridiculous.

GIGI
Well, don’t fuck with my order or try to fuck my date.

Both of their glances fall on Isabella, who’s asleep with her mouth open.

GIGI
(Cont’d)
Oh, for Christ’s sake! Get up! You have an appointment in
five minutes!

Gigi kicks her. Nothing. Gigi looks exasperated.

10
 SAM
(Yells at Isabella’s face)
YO, BELLA!

Nothing. Sam rolls up his sleeves and drags Isabella’s legs around the studio. This
causes her to wake up confused.

ISABELLA
What are you doing?

SAM
You have a private appointment in a few!

ISABELLA
You’re making me dizzy.

Gigi bends down and sniffs Isabella.

GIGI
Isabella Tallulah Reese Amadore—did you roll in the damn sake?

Sam drops Isabella on the floor.

ISABELLA
Oww!

SAM
(Upset)
You told me you weren’t going to Senor Wong’s anymore.

GIGI
David Rhodes is going to be here any second—what am I
suppose to do with you!

ISABELLA
Who’s he?

Gigi shrieks.

ISABELLA
(Cont’d)
Ohhh. That guy. The poor man’s version of Dane Cook.

GIGI
Poor version or not, he’s our poster child and you’re
going to do whatever it takes to keep him here forever,
even if it means throwing yourself at him. Got it?

11
 ISABELLA
Aye, Capt’n! (Rolls over) Right after I take a nap.

GIGI
(To Sam)
Well DO something!

Sam grabs Isabella’s legs and circles her around once again. David enters in an
American Apparel inspired gym outfit plus his signature shades.

DAVID
Sorry I’m late, I got held up at the parking lot— (looks around)
You’re doing something illegal aren’t you?

GIGI
Pardon our appearance Mr. Rhodes! We were just helping
Isabella warm up around the studio. It’s a new Thai…nesquian
technique. Those crazy Asians. God bless ‘em.
Love the outfit!

SAM
I have that in red.

Isabella grudgingly gets up and stares at David.

GIGI
And this here is your lovely trainer, Isabella. She’s, uh, a bit
under the weather today—

DAVID
She smells like sake.

SAM
Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. She does this all the time.

GIGI
Not all of the time… Most of the time….

DAVID
She’s just… staring at me.

Isabella glares at David.

GIGI
She’s just trying to hide her excitement. You know, treat you
like everyone else. Alrighty, we’ll leave you two alone.
(She grabs Sam)

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 SAM
Where are we going? (Looks back) We’re both scheduled for—

GIGI
See you in a few!

Sam and Gigi exit. A door is locked. David gulps loudly.

ISABELLA
This is embarrassing. I can’t believe I’m hung over in front
of David Rhodes.

DAVID
I think you’re still drunk. It’s okay; I’m getting used to the smell.

Isabella finishes the rest of her coffee in one gulp. She places a hand over her face and
lifts it, to reveal a very peppy smile.

ISABELLA
(Peppy voice)
Alright David Rhodes, let’s get you all shaped up! You want a
hardcore workout, well you’re gonna get it! Drop and give me
twenty!

DAVID
Aren’t we supposed to warm up first?

ISABELLA
(Takes out a stop watch)
Starting—NOW! Come on! Let’s move, move, move!

David drops on his belly and tries his hardest to do some push-ups.

ISABELLA
(Cont’d)
Now give me ten jumping jacks!

DAVID
But I’m cramping!

ISABELLA
The clock is ticking! Come on! Is that all you got?
GIVE IT TO ME!

David does jumping jacks.

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FAST-FORWARD SCENE: David and Isabella run around and perform a variety of
exercises together. They do so as if they were being fast-forwarded on a TV. Fast music
and mouthing lines is highly encouraged.

DAVID
(Gasps)
Now what?

ISABELLA
I don’t know. (Points to “bicycles”) Ride for fifteen minutes.
(Sighs) I’ll have a plan tomorrow, I promise. (Murmurs) Not
that you’ll come back.

DAVID
I think you need some peace and quiet.

ISABELLA
(Happy)
Yoga…Let’s do some yoga!

Isabella and David sit on yoga mats opposite each other. Isabella closes her eyes and
grabs David’s hands.

DAVID
What do I do?

ISABELLA
Nothing. Just… relax.

Isabella continues to close her eyes. David looks creeped out but eventually closes his’.

LIGHTS OUT.

SCENE THREE

Gigi talks on the phone. Sam serves drinks to some Gym-Goers. Isabella and a couple of
Gym-Goers do the Macarena.

ISABELLA
(Upbeat)
Eehhhh, Macarena!

ALL
Ayyyyyy!!!

Isabella takes a bow and the whole class applauds.

ISABELLA

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 See you all next week!

The class exits. Isabella walks towards Sam who has a drink and a box of tissues
extended out in his hands. Isabella takes both and quickly exits. Sam sighs in
disappointment.

David enters wearing his shades. He marches straight to Gigi.

DAVID
I would like to withdraw my membership. And poster-child
status.

GIGI
(Drops the phone)
Why?! Who told you to do this? Was it Manny’s wife?
I’ll cut a bitch.

DAVID
…No… Isabella is a very nice girl…it’s just that she’s kind of…
creeping me out. She makes me really… sad. All she
does is cry silently. I even tried to go over some of my
new material with her to ease the tension and she just
cried harder.

GIGI
Well, maybe they weren’t that funny.

DAVID
(Shakes his head)
I need a real trainer. Someone who will provide me with the
six-pack that I deserve.

GIGI
She just needs a talking to. Look, if you’re not satisfied by the
next training session, we’ll withdraw your membership.

David thinks about it and eventually nods in agreement. He exits. A few seconds later
Isabella re-enters. Gigi tackles her.

GIGI
(Cont’d)
Come on. We’re taking you to a salon!

ISABELLA
Are you crazy? Did you accidentally take Xanax again?

GIGI
Am I crazy? I don’t know. AM I?! Sammy, we need (dramatic

15
 pause) an intervention.

ISABELLA
NO! Not another gay-vention! You can’t do that! You
promised the judge! You’re breaking the law!

GIGI
Honey, I’m a badass. It’s what I do best.

Sam pulls out a pair of scissors and blow dryer from his station.

SAM
(Robotic)
Let’s do this shit.

ISABELLA
No! Please! Anything but a gay-vention! I’ll do anything!
I’ll give you all of my Xanax!

GIGI
I’m sorry Bells, but I don’t know that I can rely on you
anymore. If you can’t keep David Rhodes then I’ll find a
way. And I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him.

Sam slowly walks towards her while Gigi pins her down. Isabella screams and yells.

DANCE BREAK SCENE: Popular hip-hop song plays in the background.

-- All extras come and dance crazy exaggerated gym moves while Isabella is
“transformed.” They completely cover her until her “revelation”.
-- The stage should be dark except for disco lights/colored flashlights.
-- Sam chops Isabella’s hair ala Edward Scissorhands Gigi and Sam laugh like maniacs;
lightning effects follow. A spotlight shines down at Isabella as she is revealed. Someone
hands her a mirror. Everything pauses.

ISABELLA
I think whatever was still semi-alive but going slowly
into a vegetable coma, just suddenly gave in and completely
died. I just died inside.

DAVID
And now you’re born again! Like Lady Ga—

GIGI
Bella, we need you. (Drops to her knees) I’m very sorry it
has to come to this. I just… I need to keep this job. It’s all
I got. It’s… it’s all I am.

16
 ISABELLA
Oh my god, you’re so sad.

GIGI
Please Bells. I need to feed my kids.

SAM
I thought you gave them up for adoption.

GIGI
I’m gonna fucking— (composes herself) Can I count on you?

ISABELLA
Gigi, don’t you ever utter those words again. It breaks my heart.

GIGI
Just try harder. For me?

Isabella helps Gigi up.

ISABELLA
I’m going to throw myself at him so hard that it’ll make you
look like a Charlotte.

GIGI
… was that a “Sex and the City” reference?

DAVID
(re: haircut)
Ohmygawd, it’s working!

All three embrace as the extras clap in the background.

LIGHTS OUT.

SCENE FOUR

The gym is empty except for Isabella who stretches. David enters. Isabella seductively
looks at him.
ISABELLA
Hello there.

DAVID
Hey, sorry I’m late I had an emergency. (Pauses) Did you do
something to your hair?

Isabella nods, pleased.

DAVID

17
 (Cont’d)
It looks… yellow.

ISABELLA
I needed a change. Everyone needs a change.

DAVID
I hate change.

Isabella looks disappointed.

ISABELLA
You must be used to it by now though. You’re always
surrounded by people; constantly traveling…and being
generally loved by everyone.

DAVID
No. I really hate change. And the idea of people loving me
for no real reason kind of freaks me out sometimes.

Isabella laughs. She stops when he stares.

ISABELLA
Are you serious?

DAVID
(Cont’d)
I have severe social phobia. That’s how I got into this. Face fears.

ISABELLA
But you’re a comedian. You make people laugh for a living.
Aren’t you suppose to like people?

DAVID
I don’t like people.

ISABELLA
I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.

DAVID
(Shrugs)
I feed off people’s love. Like their laughter, which is
such a lovely thing. What other sound is so universal and
contagious like that? It lights anyone up in a second. It makes
you feel better. It’s… magical. (Pause) Why is it always empty
when we’re alone?

ISABELLA

18
 Take a guess.

DAVID
Oh God. Are you trying to seduce me? (He bursts out laughing)

ISABELLA
I’m just trying to keep my job.

DAVID
Really?

ISABELLA
You can’t leave us. We’ll lose this place without you. You’re
the only famous person that’s even gotten membership here.

DAVID
I can see why. (Pause) I still need to lose five pounds and I have
like two days left.

ISABELLA
But you’re so skinny already!

DAVID
(Snorts)
No girl would be caught dead with me.

ISABELLA
That’s not true.

DAVID
Well, a real girl, a famous one I mean. My agent has tried
hook me up with a couple of them. No luck so far.

David walks over to the “weights” and lifts them.

ISABELLA
I’m sure someone will come around.

DAVID
Can you count how many minutes I’m taking?

Isabella nods and sits beside him.

ISABELLA
David… do you want to go to the Golden Globes together?

DAVID
(Huffs and puffs)

19
 This isn’t prom Bella. Besides, you’re not really my type.
I’m more into thinner girls. No offense. I mean you’re pretty
and all but kind of really really tonned. Which is good, you
know, for you.

Isabella looks embarrassed and looks at anything but him.

DAVID
(Cont’d)
Can you get me a bottle of water? Thanks.

Isabella shoots him a dirty look and exits. David continues to lift weights.

LIGHT OUT.
END OF PLAY.

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