Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Grey

Matter. I’ve made no promises and I intend to

keep none of them. But first of all it is customary
to say thank you to my sub-editors (Whoever the
fuck you are). More elusive than Saddam Hus-
sein, and about as good as writing articles. Sub-
missions have been almost better than usual due
some prolific members of the JCR. However this
is no issue of Private Eye but it is also no issue of
Viz. Highbrow and Lowbrow articles have been
thrown into this melting pot of a magazine.
Anyway, as my mother always used to say: “Fuck
it, you can’t please all of the people, all of the
time, so fuck the lot of them”
And on that note I bid you a-jew,

Your illustrious editor,

Grant Martin esq.

New shower block to be installed next to the
college bar

Seven polar bears die in the making of Martyn

Chamberlain’s new wig

Fresher seen in the bar drinking two pints—

has not been seen since

Dodgy Edam blamed for copious vomiting af-

ter Winter Wonderland of Cheese

Next business formal to be held in a room in

Hollingside

New history of Grey College book reveals real

name of FTC is in fact Full of Total Cunts

Wibble arrested in Minority Report style pre-

emptive paedophile strike
Palatinate may say who is the most powerful in the Univer-
sity but Grey Matter is here to lay down the law on the distri-
bution of power within Grey...

1) Sarah Chamberlain—How much wine we

drink at formals, whether Martyn is allowed down
to the bar, she calls the shots and wears the trousers!
2) The CU—They decide who gets elected, either
through block voting or higher influences. Also
handy if you want to get an e-mail out to the whole
college.
3) Edd “A motion a meeting makes me
feel important” Brunner—Desperately
clinging on to any dreams of his heyday as VP,
where there is a pie, Bummer’s fingers are never far
away…
4) Grant “Massive Zoom” Martin—
You’re female, you’re at Grey College, Grant has a
photo of your breasts. Blackmail is a powerful
thing…
5) Simon Smith—The licence to put whatever
he chooses on the most viewed website in Durham
University gets “Cyber fuck” in at 5.
 Eyebrows were raised and tongues
began wagging at the start of this
term when Chris “Made it big”
Fennimore turned up for work. And
no, he hadn’t just bought a new
shirt and tie combo or found a way
to count how much food was
wasted by greedy students – He’d
bought himself one of those flashy
Audi TTs!!!
Of course the first cry was one of “Embezzlement”, but it turns
out that Chris is so far above board that he can only just see it as
a speck on the ground. As many of you will have realised Chris
was not just born with an incredible ability to control a kitchen
effectively, he was also blessed with the looks of Adam Wood-
yatt the Eastenders super-star.
In those few hours when he is not cooking up a storm in the din-
ing hall Chris appears all over the country as an Ian Beal-a-like.
Weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs, Supermarket openings and funerals.
No job is too big or too small for the man himself. Commanding
over £500 for each appearance it only took him two months to
earn enough to stroll into the Audi Garage and pay cash for his
flashy new car.
However, the sad thing about this is that the real Ian Beale
drives a J-Reg Mondeo and has to buy his kids clothes from
Walford market. It turns out that working for Eastenders is not
the meal ticket it used to be. Plummeting viewing figures mean
that Ian can only dream of the days when he used to be earning
as much as Fennimore is now. Now I am not insinuating that
Chris is living off other people’s misfortunes, but perhaps we
can all take a minute to think about how cruel the fate of men is.
And he’s not after capturing your foolish behaviour either.
On the contrary, this hideously hormonal man/boy (delete as
appropriate), your very own Grey matter sub editor in fact,
will stop at nothing to satisfy his perverted needs. Don’t be
fooled by his seemingly harmless flirtation, or rumours that
he bats for the other team. The photo says it all… shirt rip-
page and camera-boob action. Ben’s get-your-tits-out-for-
the-boys ideology is leaving damsels in distress all over col-
lege.

Be warned. Make sure your breasts are in the right hands!

 Being the Master of
Vice at Grey College is
very much like making
love to a beautiful
woman.

Current stock:

Audi TT Convertible—one careful celebrity look-a-like

owner. Only default is “no more lamb hotpot you bastard”
scratched into the bonnet.

John Deer “Gator” - Handy little ran-a-round this one, feel

like Pete the Porter as you whiz around the streets of Durham
with the wind in your ginger skin-head.
Effective immediately cleaners will
not be dodging vibrators to get into
students rooms.
Bins will be shaken for two minutes
maximum and any wank-rags left in
there will stay there indefinitely.
Any sink that looks like it has been
pissed in will be cleaned with the stu-
dents own toothbrush.

You have been warned you little shits

Thank you dearly

Ann

Housekeeper
Following on from the roaring success of adopting a
village in Tanzania the Charities Committee are begin-
ning to look closer to home.
This poor Surrey village is brimming with filthy rich
toffs. However, all is not well. Some children in the vil-
lage have had to start working in order to fund their
Gap years swimming with Dolphins and building
Opium dens in Thailand.
In fact - last Christmas one of the villagers only got a
Playstation 2 and an X-box, when all of the other chil-
dren got a gamecube as well. You can’t ignore this
kind of suffering.
So please, all we ask is £1,500 a month to go towards
tennis lessons, recreational drugs and the new 2005
Crew rugby shirt.
A rah is for life, not just for Christmas
Grey College Staff Top Trumps
Name: Martyn Chamberlain
Hours per week: 20
Bitterness: 2
Hatred of students: 6
Intimidation factor: 8
Competence: 10
Under the thumb points: 99
Name: Chris Finnemore
(Ian Beale)
Hours per week: 8
Bitterness: 8
Hatred of students: 14
Intimidation factor: 1
Competence: 4
Name: Bill the Porter
Hours per week: 8
Bitterness: 1
Hatred of students: 4
Intimidation factor: 8
Competence: 3
Bonus perversion points: 50
Name: Joyce Dover
Hours per week: -3
Bitterness: 20
Hatred of students: 30
Intimidation factor: 2
Competence: -99
Name: Anthony Cleaver
Hours per week: 20
Bitterness: 1
Hatred of students: 1
Intimidation factor: 6
Competence: 3
Dr Hibburt laugh bonus: 99
Name: Pete the Porter
Hours per week: 103
Bitterness: 1
Hatred of students: 3
Intimidation factor: 999
Competence: 12
Bonus perversion points: 99
Name: Gene
Hours per week: 30
Bitterness: 10
Hatred of students: 10
Intimidation factor: 8
Competence: 7
Bonus arse points: 999
Name: David Kennedy
Hours per week: 2
Bitterness: 0
Hatred of students: 0
Intimidation factor: 0
Competence: 10
Bonus God points: 900
Name: Karen Blundell
Hours per week: -3
Bitterness: 9
Hatred of students: 8
Intimidation factor: 12
Competence: 8
“Loving Dogs” bonus: 2000
Name: College cleaner
Hours per week: 15
Bitterness: 300
Hatred of students: 300
Intimidation factor: 2
Competence: 8
Embarrassment factor: 999
Name: Julie Bushby
Hours per week: 300
Bitterness: 2
Hatred of students: 3
Intimidation factor: 10
Competence: 900
Italian feistiness: 300
Name: College chef
Hours per week: 40
Bitterness: 20 (taste the
food)
Hatred of students: 10
Competence: 2
Love of road kill: 10
The decision has been taken to call her "Fiona." So far Mark Steb-
bings, Al Strang & Matt Clarke have all been in her, and Michael
Cannon is now trying her out too. Apparently she's pretty smooth,
though a little larger than some others. There's plenty of room
though, and the rest of the mens squad are looking forward to get-
ting in her soon"

For all your boring AND/OR militancy needs call 1-800-

BOREME. Recent exploits involve talking shit about smok-
ing. Then talking more shit about smoking for the next week.
And apart from that being generally boring.

If you have a problem, if no one else can bore you maybe

you can hire the BMT
As I’m sure all of you cultured people will know, legend has it that St
Oswald’s head is buried in our very own cathedral in Durham. I
would personally like to dispel that rumour. The truth is that St
Oswald’s head is, in fact, buried in Oswald West. Or at least it smells
like it is.
For those of you not blessed with a great attention span, I’ll just
briefly enlighten you on why he was considered such a great man:
basically because he knocked off the Welsh king of the time. Surely,
then, you’d all agree his memory should be honoured accordingly?
How do you think he’d feel about a building that smells like a Welsh
toilet being named after him? Probably not wonderful. But the fact is
that he doesn’t have to live here; we do.
To coin a L’Oreal phrase: “Here comes the science bit”…I’ll keep it
simple (mainly for the benefit of the Geography students). Bad smells
produce bad moods: extensive research suggests that someone’s
smell is the first subconscious means people use to decide if they
want to get into that person’s pants or not. Therefore, I propose living
in this cesspit is actually detrimental to my interpersonal relation-
ships. For instance the first thing I want when I go home to see my
darling is (well for argument’s sake!!) a big hug, and that’s the last
thing I get; after being told to shower with bleach and put all associ-
ated clothes in the washing machine (preferably someone else’s!).
Now I think you know where I’m going with this. It’s like when I’m
upset about something trivial, and my friend Francesca says “Just
think of the boy whose skin fell off”. Got it yet? Grey bar was never
smoky, and even if it was: it was never THAT bad. Let’s all be
grown-ups about this: I’ll deal with my lower social status owing to
my placement in the Westside; you deal with smoking in the bar.
Fair’s fair.
 Grey College Mason’s Society The Finals of Crap Shirt Idol in the JCR
never really took off

Reports of Katie Halliday’s re-

The Male Welfare Officer takes a hands on approach turn to Panto unconfirmed
Dear Editor,
I’d like to propose a motion
Ted Bummer
This is a fucking magazine,
not a JCR meeting you
prick
Dear Editor,
I’m worried that David
Knoll is going to steal my
girlfriend
Worried 9th year rower
You are probably right,
love will find a way
Dear editor,
I though uni was about
drinking and shagging
Dissapointed Fresher
Well do some then
Dear Editor,
Since arriving at college I
have been involved in
“self-love” at least 7 times
a day. Is this wrong?
Hollingside 2nd Year
No Dave
Dear Editor
I was deeply offended by
the accusations in the last
issue of Grey Matter.
PS my wife didn’t tell me
to send this in.
Confused College Officer
Sorry for any accusations
levelled at you, any truth
was purely coincidental.
Ask your PR friend
(Sorry, business formal
in-joke!)
Dear editor,

I don't think anyone's paying

attention to me. I try and daz-
zle people with bright colours
and slip in silly comments to
see if anyone notices, but they
never do. Am I worrying about
nothing?

Ignored, Neville's Cross

I think they’ll listen now Simon!

8. GCBoatC

Being the largest sports team in the college, and demanding more money
from the budget than most other sports & societies put together, those
not on the inside track can feel somewhat excluded from a large part of
college life. They’re mostly the poor folk who can’t afford the
astronomical membership fee and are therefore too ordinary for this
aristocratic establishment.

9. Edd Brunner

After finally getting on the exec at the 3rd time of asking (the only
unopposed election he ran in) this 4th year geek still runs much of the
show with his close alliance with many of the key players in college.
His well formed arguments are hard to fight against, even when they are
complete guff.

10. Tony Cleaver

The beaver-man tells is the first to welcome you to Grey and the only
person to blame for any consequences that brings. Though openly
deploring students for their drunken behaviour, his antics with the
bursar’s dogs left some serious explaining to do.

11. Elspeth & Liz

The college receptionists really are the ones holding all the keys. They
can hide your post and pretend to ignore you when they please; not that
these two angels would ever dream of playing underhanded tricks on
people they don’t like.

12. Welfare Team

As those responsible for looking after our well-being, questions are

asked over the selection process and what criteria make people eligible
for the role. Often frustrated by the “non-judgemental & non-directive”
waffle fed to them by Nightline, they actually can’t do a lot (though
they appear as though they can). This can be a good thing though, as
Adam Harper is thus prevented from telling people to “go jump off a
bridge. See if I care.”

13. Grey Matter team

This committee for plotting evil and mayhem have the power to make or
break reputations. Character assisnation and backstabbing are rife in
the editing room, along with Grant’s home-made porn.

14. Pete & Bill

Known to some as Bill & Ted (those with a desire to meet their maker)
the security in Grey is in these guys hands. Ex-SAS Pete and ex-Home
Guard Bill can scare the socks off any intruder or anyone who pisses in
the plantpots in reception.

And as antidote, we went in search of the person in college with the

least influence. After much searching we found that the most irrelevant
person is some guy called Martin, though we weren’t able to find out any
more about him, he was so insignificant. Not that anyone cares!
College power list.

1. Keeper of the college trout

Currently Duncan Broe, the keeper has ultimate say in what happens to Grey’s most valuable as-
set. Coveted by other colleges as Grey’s most vulnerable trophy of worth, no keeper has yet let slip
our valuable singing friend. A curious link also exists between keepers and members of the exec.
Past keepers have included George Whalley, Mike Reed, Edd Brunner & Simon Meadows. Only
the trout knows what the future holds for Duncan.

2. CU/Ultimate Frisbee

As reported in the last issue of Grey Matter, the CU and the Ultimate Frisbee squad are one. The
key to their strength is their solidarity.
Though not quite a secret society, a certain mystery does hang around them, and the membership
of some individuals can be somewhat surprising.
It has even been known for people desiring exec positions to suddenly discover their Christian
roots, hoping for God’s approval.

3. Julie Bushby

This rabid lunatic tells you when to go, when to come back and what you’re supposed to do in the
meantime. Very fond of a full moon.

4. Kitchen Staff

These folk can make you fat or make you starve. The produce of the
kitchens almost dictates the direction of many a meal time conversation.
Big Jean’s beady eye is always ready to hunt down anyone who took a
point too many or even to force feed someone who’s tried to leave the
servery without a plate full of over-cooked vegetables and questionable
sources of carbohydrates. However, they have little power over the
livers-out.

5. Karen Blundell

Not so much a blonde bombshell as a mustard gas canister. Ever on the

lookout to find new ways of restricting students freedom to do basic
things and treat us like 2nd class citizens. Her fees and fines are to
her cosmetic addiction what prostitution and theft is to a heroin addict.

6. Cleaners

The difference between a good cleaner and a bad cleaner can make the
difference of a grade in your degree. Just ask any of the residents of
Hollingside or Elvet East who have the privilege of Maggie how great she
truly is. But if you get a poor cleaner, your bin can overflow and all
study time is consumed with worry about when a vacuum cleaner will kiss
your carpet.

7. Exec

The elected “powerhouse” of college, they are divided by those wanting

to represent and those wanting to rule. Some are evil, some are naïve
and some are just plainly a waste of space. With George as their
fatherfigure, you can’t help but think some of these kids are neglected,
especially when football intervenes in the process of democracy.
OK, here's the deal. An earlier version of Damien Rice's cannonball has
recently been unearthed. For some reason, it's called Shrek [note, the
joke is that Shrek is the story of the ogre & princess Fiona]

Here's the original lyrics

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth There’s still a little bit of
you laced with my doubt It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness There’s still a little bit of
your face i haven't kissed You step a little closer each day That i can’t say
what's going on

Mark, that wasn’t wise

Mince, he taught me to lie
Grant, do up your fly
So it's not hard to choke
When you suck on a cannon ball

There’s still a little bit of your tongue in my ear There’s still a little bit of
your oar I long to feel You step a little closer to me So close that I can't
see what's going on

Jen, I though you were bi

Al, you eat too much pie
Skeggs, I wish you would die
So it's not hard to choke
When you suck on a cannon…

Sean, I ask myself why

Matt, you made me cry
So come on slaggage
Teach me to be nice
'Cause it's not hard to choke
And I don't wanna scare him
It's not hard to choke
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
New dance craze sweeps Durham

A new dance has swept through the city at an alarming rate.

Known as the Holgate step, it involves a sort of gallop across
the dancefloor with a slight limp on one leg. The dance is said to
have derived from the Hollingside East, in Grey College where
the inhabitants spend their days standing in their windows, sa-
distically staring at the folk trying to run down the steps from
Holgate and Oswald having overslept, missed breakfast and
mistakenly think that attending lectures will help them pass their
degree.

It has been noted by many that the step looks totally ridiculous.
“Well, don’t all dances get dissed when they start off. Just look
at the jitterbug. Besides, anyone who’s bad at dancing can
make a good dance look bad,” commented a second year phi-
losopher & theologian, somewhat smugly.

Health experts have warned that the repeated sudden impacts

to the hips can cause serious damage, possibly even early on-
set of rheumatism. So we had a chat to outspoken fan of the
Holgate step and member of the college welfare team, Becca
Evans. “I know it might be a little dangerous, but that’s what
makes it so exciting. It’s too much fun not to,” she giggled.

Whether or not the dance will be a passing fad, or as permanent

as DJ Robin we have yet to see. For now, though, expect to see
some wacky dancing at the next few bops followed by some se-
rious hobbling the next day.
DSU launches new non-collegiate association

Can you not tell the difference between your arse and your
elbow? Could you not fight your way out of a paper bag? Are
you liable to get run over by a parked car? Don’t worry, help
is at hand. As of this term, the new Stupid People Association
is here to help.

They aim to reintegrate the dumbest folk of the university into

everyday life by giving them meaningless, simple tasks that
only a complete fool could mess up. Many of the members of
this NCA are graduate students, incapable of finding them-
selves real jobs. They are set to work doing all those little
things that academic staff are too intelligent to be bothered
with, like organizing timetables, sorting out registration and
publishing exam results. The work these inadequate human
beings do gives them a marvellously false sense of self-
worth and belonging.

One of the early successes of the new association was the

restructuring of the timetabling system. The idea behind it
was that people had to work for their degrees. In other
words, they had to work to find out where they could get a
degree. Based upon the dual ideas of an Easter egg hunt
and kissing the Blarney Stone, the full university timetable
was in fact fully prepared a week before term began. It had
simply been hidden on the underside of the reception desk in
the biology department and could only be read by people
willing to crawl underneath on their backs with a torch.
Welcome to the first edition of Meadows Matters.
Sometimes one man is just off at such a tangent to the rest of
the world it can only be called Genius (or fucking insanity).
There is one man who fits this bill and that is Simon Meadows.
Cranking out articles quicker than Michael Jackson can think of
excuses to have boys in his room he has nearly enough material
for his own magazine.
Hence this double sided colossus.
However, I take no responsibility for the humour, writing style
or content. They all laughed at Walter Raleigh when he bought
back potatoes from Russia (or something), And in the same way
you will find yourself laughing along to this bizarre mix of
comedy

Read on - If you dare

Thank you Simon - you fucking loony

Grant