A CRACKED Look at 24

By Jack O'Brien
January 16, 2006
20,363 Views
By now, we've come to expect certain things from 24.
rt some terrorist activity and he' going to do it in
g to steal some cars and shoot some bad guys and, oh
ure. Oh, glorious torture, how we missed thee in the

Jack Bauer is going to thwa

a no-nonsense way. He' goin
yes-there' going to be tort
off-season.

The first four episodes of the fifth season of 24 aired over the long weekend. A
nd while all TV shows require a certain suspension of disbelief (The West Wing a
sks us to believe that White House staff spend their days bantering back and for
th like characters from The Hudsucker Proxy, The Simpsons asks us to believe tha
t The Simpsons is still funny), 24 is growing especially far fetched with each n
ew season. In order to enjoy 24: Day Five, here are some things that you're goin
g to have to be willing to believe.
Los Angeles is a hub for political activity and an extremely popular terrorist t
arget: That' right, forget about the UN headquarters in Manhattan, or the White
House in Washington, DC. The real hub for political and terrorist activity is a
town whose most prominent target is the Playboy Mansion.
Over the past four seasons of 24, no less than three near-apocalyptic terror att
acks targeting or involving the executive branch and the CIA (that' CTU to you,
24 newbies) have been thwarted in the greater Los Angeles area. In the real worl
d we're not even sure that the CIA has an office in LA, and if so, what they do
all day. Keep an eye out for mudslides and earthquakes? Use wire taps to leak th
e new Enrique Iglesias album?
24 is set in LA for the same reason that most action movies (Die Hard, Terminato
r, T:2, Crocodile Dundee 3) are set there: directors, writers and producers live
in LA and it' easier to imagine stories about the town in which you live than a
town all the way across the country. Furthermore, people like to imagine that t
heir hometown is important enough to get bombed by terrorists. It' why residents
of Columbia, MO buy out Wal-Mart when the terror alert level goes from yellow t
o orange. Fortunately for residents of LA and unfortunately for the writers of 2
4, we're pretty sure Al-Qaeda doesn't give a shit about your beach house in Mali
bu.
With Die Hard or Terminator we'll play ball once or twice. But five straight ter
ror plots focussed on LA?
Imagine for a moment that they had decided to set this season' 24 in Manhattan,
with subway chases and Jack Bauer repelling down skyscrapers and saving the Broo
klyn Bridge from destruction. It could have completely reinvigorated the franchi
se. Instead, we're stuck once again with highways, airports and the desert.
And while we're on LA, 24 also asks you to believe that"?
The only action Shawn
Bradley's seen in years
Every corner of LA can be reached in the time it takes to return from a commerci
al break: Now granted this observation is a little warmed over, sort of like, "I
f the show is set in real time, why don't we ever see Jack Bauer take a dump?" B
ut it does represent yet another reason not to set the show in LA for five strai
ght seasons. LA is an enormous, sprawling tangle of clogged expressways and turn
pikes.

Setting a "real time" show in LA makes about as much sense as setting a porno at
Shawn Bradley' house: if we're being realistic, there' not going to be a lot of
action going down. More likely, you're going to be watching Jack Bauer bitch ab
out traffic and give a Starbucks barrista the finger for cutting him off on the
PCH.
And yes, based on LA' superior fast food, you would be seeing the protagonist ta
ke more than one dump a day.
People in power have bad short-term memories: This is something you've been aske
d to believe by almost every movie sequel you've ever seen.
Whether it' Jaws 2 or Die Harder, people in power-especially police chiefs and m
ayors-tend to be bullheaded morons who live by the mantra: "Sure, we all know yo
u saved the world 10 months ago. Big fucking deal, pal. Now you're in my jurisdi
ction and I'm going to assume that you're a loose cannon and not to be trusted."
This phenomenon reached its apotheosis in Ghostbusters 2, which opened with the
Ghostbusters working as birthday-party clowns. The world has forgotten about wat
ching these guys save Manhattan from a 137-story high marshmallow monster and no
w regard them as a bunch of washed-up frauds.
24 takes this conceit to a new level by asking us to believe that Jack Bauer is
a distrusted renegade at the outset of four seasons in a row. At the beginning o
f each new season, the heads of CTU assume the Jack Bauer is a dangerous crimina
l and disregard the fact that he saved the world from imminent nuclear destructi
on a couple months ago. After a while, you'd think they'd start giving him the b
enefit of the doubt. You would be wrong.
Jack Bauer is a real person: If you're new to 24, we know how bad you want to be
lieve that guys like this exist in the real world. He' so grizzled, and sounds s
o cool snarling those lines through clenched teeth, you figure that you could be
that sort of no-nonsense loner if you just talked and acted like him. Here' how
it turned out when we tried the Bauer persona on for size:
Blind Date: "So, I had a really nice time tonight."
CRACKED [using Jack Bauer line from Sunday's episode]: "Listen kid, the only rea
son that you're still conscious is because I don't feel like carrying you around
."
Blind Date: Calling 911
*******
CRACKED CEO, Monty Sarhan: "Where the hell have you been all morning, and why ar
e you covered in blood?"
CRACKED [using Jack Bauer line from Sunday's episode]: "I need you to go to the
address on this card. Yes, the Counter Terrorism Unit. Look Monty, there' no tim
e to explain. If you tell anyone that you know I'm alive, your life is in danger
."
CRACKED CEO, Monty Sarhan: "Please put some pants on and get back to work."
As you see, while 24 is a fine program for diversion seekers, it leaves a little

to be desired when translated to the real world. Except for the torture part. W
hether you're having a lover' spat or simply asking for directions, 24 is right
to teach that torture is an effective way to get the information you're looking
for.