The Dutchmans guide to the Universe

Although the universe is a rather large place, one should not underestimate entertainment value of
self-enlightenment.
Many books have been written about the self. I think, therefore I am, the superego etc. Many
great thinkers and shamans [on opium, lsd etc] have entertained themselves for decades trying to
figure out just the human personality but
Throw in some beers, a T-bone steak and some senile delinquents and you have a need for what I
call The Dutchmans guide to the Universe. The need to move, the need to conquer the
unknown outside. Thousands of years of mediation, meditation, domestication, deep thought,
philosophy and perhaps good common sense is thrown away like a baby diaper.
Since long distance traveling should not be undertaken by anyone without a Phd in calculus, I
thought it a good a idea to simplify the science so that the average person may also enjoy a stellar
experience, and also pack appropriately.
Tough journeys should not be undertaken without the following:
1 x roll of soft 2ply toilet paper. [Be the one to impress your friends with this. He who has the
toilet paper has the power. No survival knife to date has built-in toilet paper, and a cheap roll can
quickly redeem attacks on masculinity when someone with an imported survival knife begs to go
take a shit like a little lap dog. Settle the score and settle it violently]
Each person in the group should have:
1 x 12 foot inflatable life-raft with tie-downs.
1 x 8 foot cool-box with ice and a variety of beer. This goes inside the inflatable life-raft and is
tied down. [safety first]
Then include:
1 x smoker friend with a BIC lighter discriminate if you have to.
1 x Environmentalist [They carry maps, pick up cigarette butts and beer cans. Note: They expire
after one trip and they are only useful in low-orbit expeditions. Take note: It is vitally important
that you do not carry a map.]
1 x axe [for fire making, self-defense, first-aid amputations]
1 x pair of socks and one pair of decent boots, capable of surviving the full duration of the trip.
Other luxuries are optional.
The science of obtaining a useful destination can be narrowed down to the following criteria.
1. It should have firewood, or a shop selling firewood
Once youve triangulated your destination a means of heavy duty transportation becomes an
apparent issue. Choices should include only things that fuck up the ozone layer, or then at the
very least have proven itself as reliable. Anything turbo is too efficient, and reliability can also be
an issue. Anything with less than a roof rack and a bull-bar is too refined.

A proven yardstick in reliability assessment is the following. If a vehicle has been known to leak
oil for years and still runs it is deemed reliable. So if youre not technical; pick something that
looks ugly and leaks oil[however, if planning to leave orbit, consult with someone more
technical].
The journey itself is simpler. The Environmentalist drives, while the rest of the team drinks beer.
Any argument over whos driving can easily be settled with I dont have a map. The
Environmentalist will be so over-excited with his boyscout map status that the dispute is settled
there and then. This works only once.
Upon arrival the Environmentalist would be tired, mentally frustrated and the rest refreshed, full
of optimism and cheerful, but since he is the only one sober enough to handle the axe,
chopping up dry springy wood and undergrowth again defaults to the Environmentalist. [Map
may now be used as kindling, as its strategic value had expired]
Fire is made [a victory over the darkness which all would celebrate] and beer is drunk. Some men
also make fire to braai some food. They misunderstand the strategy around fire, and more than
likely will carry an imported survival knife. The actual reason why men braai is only to confuse
women into believing that important issues, such as feeding, are being addressed. This is not the
case.
If you have neglected luxuries above such as food, sleeping-bag, tent etc and none of those
luxuries are around. Fear not! You have McGuyver in a can. Beer compensates for hunger,
personal hygiene, comfort[show me a case of beer, and I will show you a 5 star hotel], and a beer
diet saves toilet paper[less for the Environmentalist to pick up]. Not only that, but beer serves as
great first-aid for hangover induced head-aches, and is also a known rattle-snake repellent.
No postmortem, on a fallen comrade stinking of beer, has ever been filed as: Death caused by
rattle-snake venom... I rest my case. Beware Malicious Environmentalists may claim that no
Dutchman has ever been in rattlesnake territory and as a result the above postulate is meaningless.
I say nonsense. The rattle-snakes moved away when the beer drinkers arrived. All the more proof
of its validity.
Dutch travelers, who may very well have colonized the universe by now, hardly ever return, or
when they do, suffer from severe memory-loss. Not much of the universe has been documented
up to date and as a result the Dutch are humbled by that, so much, that they now live below sealevel.
All the more reason for them to send an expedition!

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