E-Bulletin

August, 2015
Issue 1

Greetings!!
Hey there all of you! First and foremost, we would like to thank all those who participated
in organizing as well as those who came to enjoy for the great success of this year's MELA Celebrating NEW BEGINNINGS. Our enthusiastic and hard-working senior student peer
support team and the first year students who volunteered did a wonderful job in organizing
and executing the Mela. Three cheers for them!!! For those who missed it, we have some
pictures at the end of this issue, to give you a glimpse of the celebration.
Now, for this issue of TISS Bytes, we will be speaking about a skill and a behaviour which is
needed very often in our lives, but is the one of the most difficult to practice. Let me give you
an example Ajay and his group have been given an assignment by the Professor. Each of

them have been given a part of the assignment to be done by them. One of the group
members, Sujay, comes to Ajay and requests his help in doing his part as he has a family
emergency. Ajay understands and helps him out and does his own work and most of Sujay's
part. Sujay requests Ajay not to tell anyone about their arrangement as it may not look good
for him.The assignment is submitted and their group gets a good feedback, and Sujay's part
gets a special mention. Ajay feels upset about this, but let's it be. A few days later there is
another group assignment and Sujay again requests Ajay for help citing a personal reason.
Ajay again helps him and the result is similar. This happens a couple of more times and Ajay
starts to feel frustrated and irritated, but isn't really able to say anything much, thinking that
it will hurt Sujay. He tries avoiding him and things between them become more difficult and
awkward, but there is no solution he is able to reach.
Do you see this or something similar happening around you or with you? Do you or someone
you know, find it difficult to say no or express negative feelings or opinions to others? Do you
also find that you or someone you know, very easily, but subtly, get pressured to do things
that you/they do not actually want to do?

So this time we wil be talking about - Assertiveness

Assertive Behaviour
The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines assertiveness as: Forthright, positive, insistence on

the recognition of one's rights . In other words: Behaviour which enables a person to act in
his or her own best interest, to stand up for herself or himself, without undue anxiety, to
express honest feelings comfortably, or to exercise personal rights without denying the rights
of others, we call Assertive Behaviour. Assertiveness means being able to express feelings,
wishes, wants and desires appropriately and is an important personal and interpersonal skill.
In all your interactions with other people, whether at home, college or at work, with
employers, customers or colleagues, assertiveness can help you to express yourself in a clear,
open and reasonable way, without undermining your own or others rights.

Barriers to Assertive Behaviour

We have found while helping thousands of people to learn to express themselves more
effectively, that there are three significant barriers to self assertiveness:
1.

Many people do not believe that they have right to be assertive.

2.

Many people are highly anxious/fearful about being assertive.

3.

Many people lack the social skills for effective self expression.

However, research has shown that learning to make assertive responses will inhabit or
weaken the anxiety previously experienced in specific interpersonal relations.
Bill of Assertive Rights
Every one is born with unique potential and Free Will - to decide
for themselves, to judge for themselves, make mistakes and learn
from them, refuse requests, and say `I don't understand' or
change one's mind. Children have no doubts about these things.
Most children are assertive, but as we grow up and become
adults, we seem to rob ourselves and allow others (due to
socialization and false notions) to rob us of our rights.
The first step towards becoming assertive is to know our own rights. The following table,

gives the Bill of Assertive Rights. The following table will help you to reaffirm your SELF as
being of the greatest value!
TABLE : The Bill of Assertive Rights
1.

You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity.

2.

You have the right to have and express your own feelings and opinions.

3.

You have the right to be listened to and taken seriously.

4.

You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts and emotions, and to
undertake the responsibility for their initiation, and consequences upon yourself.

5.

You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.

6.

You have the right to say : "I don't know".

7.

You have the right to say : " I don't understand."

8.

You have the right to ask for information (including from professionals).

9.

You have the right to change your mind.

10.

You have the right to be independent to the goodwill of others before coping with
them.

11.

You have the right to get what you pay for.

12.

You have the right to choose your profession.

13.

You have the right to practise your own religion.

14.

You have the right to ask for what you want (realising that the other person has the
right to say `no').

15.

You have the right to acquire knowledge.

16.

You have the right to say `No' without feeling guilty.

You have the right to do anything so long as it does not violate the rights of others.
You can add to this list too!

Importance of Non Verbal Behaviour in Assertiveness

Very often, besides knowing the right words to say, how we act, and how we say
something has an even greater impact.
Your Body : Developing an assertive body image.
Your body does communicate. Your style of
emotional expression, posture, facial expressions
and voice quality are all tremendously important to
you in becoming assertive. How does one develop an assertive body image to make our body
as well as our words communicate assertively?

Your Inventory of Body image Components. Methodically check yourself from head to toe,
measuring yourself on a scale of Assertiveness.

1. Eye Contact : While addressing another person, where do you look? If you look directly at

the person as you speak, it helps to communicate your sincerity and to increase the
directness of your message. But if you look down or away much of the time, you present a
lack of confidence. Women often have a problem of making eye contact with another person,
because many of us have been taught that it is more feminine to look away or look down. In
some cultures, like in India, it is considered disrespectful for women to make direct eye
contact with men or authority figures. However, making relaxed eye contact is essential
when you want to appear assertive and interested and shows respect for the other person.
This does not mean staring continuously till the other person becomes uncomfortable. Look
at their eyes, then perhaps look away for a few seconds, or drop your gaze slightly, as they
speak to you.
Practise making good eye contact and be aware of any differences in the quality of your
communication. Are you listening better? Are you conveying more interest and receiving
more interest in what you are saying?

2. Facial Expressions : Ever see someone trying to express anger while smiling or
laughing? It just doesn't come across. Effective assertion requires an expression that agrees
with the message. Let your face say the same thing your words are saying. With a greater
awareness of the feeling in your face, you can begin to more consciously control your facial
expression to become more natural.

3. Body Posture : A significant increase in personalising the

conversation, occurs from a slight turn of the torso, say 30 to 45
degrees towards the other person. Relative `power' may be
noticed in an encounter. An obvious example of this is seen in
the relationship between a tall adult and a small child; the adult
who is thoughtful enough to bend to the child's height will find a
considerable difference in the quality of communication.
In a situation where you are called upon to stand up for yourself, it is useful to do just that stand up! An active and erect posture lends additional assertiveness to your message,
whereas a slumped, passive stance gives the other person an immediate advantage as does
any tendency on your part to lean back or move away.

4. Gestures : A relaxed use of gestures can add depth or power to your message, and can
suggest openness, self confidence and spontaneity on the part of the speaker. However,
gesturing must not be erratic or nervous.

5. Voice, Tone, Inflection and Volume : The way we use our voices is a vital element in
our communication. Consider at least three dimensions of your voice:

i.

Tone : is it raspy, whiny, soft, angry?

ii.

inflection : do you speak in a monotone, or with sing-song effect, or emphasize certain

syllables?

iii.

Volume : do you try to gain attention with a whisper, or overpower others with loudness,
or is it very difficult for you to shout, even when you want to ?

6. Contents : What you say is of course important, but honesty and spontaneity of
expression is much more important. This means saying, for example, "I am very angry with
you" rather than " You are a S.O.B." or calling names or abusing people. People who hesitate
because they don't know what to say, should make a practice of saying something, to express
their honest feelings at the time. It makes a great difference and adds to your assertiveness.
Many authors speak of many other components such as fluency, timing, listening,
distance/physical contact, even weight and physical appearance, as factors in developing
assertiveness.
PASSIVE VS AGGRESSIVE Vs ASSERTIVE Styles
Below there is a table chalking out what entails
behaving in Passive, Aggressive and Assertive
styles. Think of a situation or a relationship you find
difficult to handle, and then see which style of
behaviour you use the most in that situation. It is
possible that you use different styles in different
situations, but there is usually one preferred style
we generally use.
PASSIVE STYLE

AGGRESSIVE STYLE

ASSERTIVE STYLE

Definition:

Definition:

Definition:

Not expressing honest

You stand up for your

A way of communicating

feelings, thoughts and beliefs. personal rights and express

your feelings, thoughts, and

Therefore, allowing others to

your thoughts, feelings and

beliefs in an open, honest

violate your rights. May

beliefs in a way which is

manner without violating the

express in apologetic,

usually inappropriate and

rights of others.

self-effacing way.

always violates the rights of

It is an alternative to being

Violating your own rights.

the other person.

aggressive where we abuse

Sometimes showing subtle

People may feel devastated

other peoples rights, and

lack of respect for other

by an encounter with an

passive where we abuse our

persons ability to take

aggressive person

own rights.

disappointments, shoulder

Superiority is maintained

some responsibility, or handle by putting others down.

their own problems.

When threatened you attack.

Verbal characteristics:

Verbal characteristics:

Verbal characteristics:

long rambling sentences

Strident, sarcastic or

Firm, relaxed voice

beat-around-the-bush

condescending voice

Fluent, few hesitations

hesitant, filled with pauses

Fluent, few hesitations

Steady even pace

frequent throat clearing

Often abrupt, clipped

Tone is middle range, rich

apologise inappropriately

Often fast

and warm

in a soft unsteady voice

Emphasising blaming words Sincere and clear

using phrases such as if it

Firm voice

Not over-loud or quiet

wouldnt be too much

Tone sarcastic, cold, harsh

Voice appropriately loud for

trouble...

Voice can be strident, often

the situation

fill in words, e.g. maybe,

shouting, rising at end

I statements (I like, I

er, um, sort of

Use of threats, e.g. Youd

want, I dont like) that are

voice often dull and

better watch out or If you

brief and to the point

monotonous

dont...

Co-operative phrases, e.g.

tone my be sing-song or

Put downs, e.g. Youve got

What are your thoughts on

whining

to be kidding... or Dont

this

over-soft or over-warm

be so stupid

Emphatic statements of

quiet often dropping away

Evaluative comments,

interest, e.g. I would like to

frequent justifications

emphasising concepts such

Distinction between fact

e.g. I wouldnt normally say

as: should, bad, ought

and opinion, e.g. My

anything

Sexual / racist remarks

experience is different

apologies, e.g. Im

Boastfulness, e.g. I havent

Suggestions without

terribly sorry to bother you.. got problems like yours

shoulds or oughts e.g.

qualifiers, e.g. Its only my

Opinions expressed as fact,

How about or Would you

opinion or I might be

e.g. Nobody wants to behave like to

wrong

like that or Thats a useless Constructive criticism

self-dismissal, e.g.

way to do it

without blame, e.g., I feel

Its not important or It

Threatening questions, e.g.

irritated when you interrupt

doesnt really matter

Havent you finished that

me

self put-downs, e.g. Im

yet? or Why on earth did

Seeking others opinions,

useless...hopeless or You

you do it like that?

e.g. How does this fit in with

know me...

your ideas
Willingness to explore other
solutions, e.g. How can we
get around this problem?

Non-verbal characteristics: Non-verbal characteristics: Non-verbal characteristics:

averting gaze

Intruding into the other

Receptive listening

looking down

persons space

Direct eye contact without

posture can be slouched

Staring the other person out staring

wringing hands

Gestures such as pointing,

Erect, balanced, open body

winking or laughing when

fist clenching

stance

expressing anger

Striding around impatiently

Open hand movements

covering mouth with hand

Leaning forward or over

Smiling when pleased

crossing arms for protection Crossing arms

Frowning when angry

ghost smiles when

(unapproachable)

Features steady

expressing anger or being

Smiling may become

Jaw relaxed

criticised

sneering

raising eyebrows in

Scowling when angry

anticipation

Jaws set firm

jaw trembling
lip biting
Thinking style:

Thinking style:

Thinking style:

I dont count

Ill get you before you have I wont allow you to take

My feelings, needs and

a chance of getting me

advantage of me and I wont

thoughts are less important

Im out for number one

attack you for being who you

than yours

The world is a battle

are

People will think badly of

ground and I am out to win

me or not like me
If I say no then I may upset
someone, I will be responsible
for upsetting them
Payoff:

Payoff:

Payoffs:

Praised for being selfless, a

You get others to do your

The more you stand up for

good sport

bidding

yourself and act in a manner

Rarely blamed if things go

Things tend to go your way

you respect, the higher your

wrong because you havent

You are less vulnerable

self esteem

usually shown initiative

You like the feeling of being Your chances of getting

Others will protect and look

in control

what you want out of life

after you

Release of tension

improve greatly

Avoid, postpone or hide

You feel powerful

Expressing yourself directly

conflict so in short term can

at the time means that

lead to reduction of anxiety.

resentment doesnt build up

If you are less driven by the
needs of self-protection and
less preoccupied with self
consciousness then you can
see, hear and love others

more easily
Price

Price:

Price:

Sometimes prone to build up Your behaviour will create

Friends / family may have

of stress and anger that can

benefited from you being

enemies and resentment in

explode in a really aggressive those around you

passive and may sabotage

manner

This can result in a sense of your new assertiveness

Others often make

paranoia and fear

You are reshaping beliefs

unreasonable demands of you If you are always trying to

and values you have held

Can get stuck in

control others it can be

since childhood and this can

relationships that arent

difficult for you to relax

be frightening

healthy and find it very

Your relationships will tend

There is no guarantee of

difficult to change

to be based on negative

outcome

Restrict self into other

emotions and are likely to be

There is often pain involved

peoples image of a lovable

unstable

in being assertive

good person

Aggressive people tend to

When repressing anger

feel inferior deep down and

and frustration this

try to compensate for that by

diminishes other more

putting others down

positive feelings in you

Feelings of guilt and shame

Loss of self esteem

Decreasing self confidence

and self esteem

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE The Techniques!

Now, first, you know how much Non-Verbal messages play a role in being assertive. You also,
to some extent may have found out what is your preferred style of handling siuations. What is
left is a few techniques that you may have under your belt, which may help you out in
situations that you need to be assertive.

1.

Broken Record : or Persistence. One of the most

important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be
persistent and keep saying what you want over and
over again without getting angry, irritated or loud. By
practising to speak as if we were a broken record, we
learn to be persistent and stick to the point of the
discussion, to keep saying what we want to say, and to
ignore all side issues brought up by the person we assert ourselves to. In using broken
record, you are not deterred by anything the other person may say but keep saying in
a calm, repetitive voice what you want to say until the other person accedes to your
request or agrees to a compromise.

2.

Free Information : In order to become an assertive communicator, in social setting,

you must master two skills. First you have to practice listening to the clues other
people give you about themselves. This free information give you something to talk
about besides the weather, and avoids those awkward silences, when you ask yourself,
"What do I say now?". In addition, it makes it easier for people to talk about
themselves, when you show an interest in things important to them.
The second skill is self disclosure. It involves disclosing information about yourself how you think, feel and react to other person's free information. It allows the social
communication to flow both ways. Eye contact is of great value here.

3.

Fogging : Fogging is a useful technique if people are behaving in a manipulative or

aggressive way. Rather than arguing back, fogging aims to give a minimal, calm
response using terms that are placating but not defensive, while at the same time not
agreeing to meet demands.
Fogging involves agreeing with any truth that may be contained within statements,
even if critical.By not responding in the expected way, in other words by being
defensive or argumentative, the other person will cease confrontation as the desired
effect is not being achieved. When the atmosphere is less heated, it will be possible to
discuss the issues more reasonably. Fogging is so termed because the individual acts
like a 'wall of fog' into which arguments are thrown, but not returned.

4.

Negative Assertion : A skill that teaches acceptance of

your errors, and faults without having to apologise by
agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your
negative qualities. It allows you to look more comfortably at
negatives in your own behaviour or personality without
feeling defensive and anxious or resorting to denial of real
error, while at the same time reducing your critic's anger or
hostility.

5.

Workable Compromise : In using your verbal assertive skills, it is sometimes

practical (when you feel that self-respect is not in question) to offer a workable
compromise to the other person, or to cooperate when offered one.

Sources
http://members.shaw.ca/pdg/what-is-assertive-behaviour.html
http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%202.pdf
http://www.coachingpositiveperformance.com/12-aspects-assertive-behaviour/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/02/25/building-assertiveness-in-4-steps/

Mela - Celebrating New Beginnings

Upcoming Events by TISS Counselling Centre

Events in the month of August
1. Personality Enhancement and Peer Support Training Programme is ongoing!
Please do drop in on Thursdays or Fridays, from 6.30 pm to 8.00 pm in Room No. 6, Main
Campus.
2. Sessions with the School of Health System Studies are ongoing every Monday and
Friday.

Drop in to share, discuss or say Hello!

Location: Health Centre, Main Campus

Hostel No.5, Naoroji Campus
Contact us on: 022-25525612/5914 or E-mail us on counsellors@tiss.edu