13 Dead Husbands

by Tom Horan

“I loved the idea of her.

In fact I do not know her at all.”

Tom Horan
4807 N. Bell #2S
Chicago, IL 60625
thomashnning@gmail.com
925.768.4141
THIRTEEN DEAD HUSBANDS Synopsis

Dee Dee is the most beautiful woman in the world, so beautiful that fantastically
wealthy and brilliant men go to mad lengths to woo her and wed her. But shortly
after each wedding the husband meets with a rapid, untimely end. Is she cursed?
Is all love doomed? Jean-Pierre and Marcel are determined to find out. But soon
the friends are competing with each other for the hand of the tragic beauty. When
Dee Dee’s location in Paris is revealed to the world by newspaper tycoon Hubert
Hubble, Jean-Pierre and Marcel find themselves competing with him as well. Yet,
even as they attempt to earn Dee Dee’s love, the three men worry: should one of
them wed her, will he live to enjoy it?

CHARACTERS
Jean-Pierre (JP) – Our protagonist. A quiet shrugging underdog, ambition is
small, and he’s just slightly out of the loop of what is common knowledge, in
essence a little puppy dog.
Marcel – The best friend. Older, wiser than JP. A suave man about town.
Dee-Dee – The legendary girl with twelve dead husbands. She lives in a world of
her own creation. She is quirky, and there is so much of her that is fun, but there
is also so much of her that is so sad and lonely.
Hubert Hubble – Newspaper mogul. Boss of Ace Reporter Gerard Papier.
Ace Reporter Gerard Papier – Played by the actor playing Hubert. He is
constantly behind a newspaper, wearing a fedora. He lurks in and out of scenes.

SETTING
The world of the play is a French romanticism. A Paris that never existed except
in imagination. It is light and full of color, situations are melodramatic, and all
characters are innocent. The only darkness that invades is the slow creep of
death.

The physical locations are as follows: a café, the modest apartment of one Dee-
Dee, a section of a grocery store, and a bridge overlooking a river.
SCENE ONE
SETTING: At a table for two in an outdoor café.
AT RISE: John Pierre sits reading, Marcel enters with a violin case (it can be any
instrument that the actor can play).

MARCEL
Ah, John Pierre-

JEAN-PIERRE
JP please.

MARCEL
You wish to go by JP?

JEAN-PIERRE
Jean-Pierre sounds so haughty.

MARCEL
It is who you are. You do not wish to deny who you are?

JEAN-PIERRE
I suppose not.

MARCEL
I have been meaning to talk to you for some time about this tendency. Look, look
how you hunch over. Stop. You are a strong intelligent man. As your friend, I can
stand by as you hunch your life away.

JEAN-PIERRE
I will do my best.

MARCEL
I mean this not just in the literal but the metaphorical as well. Straighten out your
life. Do not hide it away.

JEAN-PIERRE
I’m not sure how to take this.

MARCEL
Let it sit in your mind, you will understand what to do about it.

JEAN-PIERRE
Have I really become hunched in my life?

MARCEL
I am afraid so.
 JEAN-PIERRE
You are truly a good friend to help me out, I will help you out when I can.

MARCEL
Wonderful. But this is not the real reason I bring you here-

JEAN-PIERRE
It isn’t?

MARCEL
Not at all.

JEAN-PIERRE
Good. I’m not sure I could take to learn anything else about myself today.

MARCEL
I’ve come to show you something I have discovered.

JEAN-PIERRE
Marcel, you have discovered something?

MARCEL
Truly I have.

JEAN-PIERRE
This is incredible.

MARCEL
While I consider myself a scientific hobbyist, a part time inventor, and even have
dabbled, foolishly, in alchemy – my discovery has nothing to these fields.

JEAN-PIERRE
Then what exactly is it?

MARCEL
Perhaps you could say it is in the arena of social sciences. Or perhaps
psychology, or perhaps even chemical attraction.

JEAN-PIERRE
I do not follow.

MARCEL
Everyday for the last four months I have come to this café and sat in this very
seat overlooking this street, that bridge and the parts of the river that can be
seen. It was one whole month ago I began to suspect something. I came back
everyday to be sure. And now I am. And you Jean-Pierre are the first and
perhaps only person I can tell.

JEAN-PIERRE
Tell what?

MARCEL
Do not rush it. This secret is not meant to be rushed.

JEAN-PIERRE
I see.

MARCEL
Do you know why I can tell you and no one else?

JEAN-PIERRE
I do not.

MARCEL
Precisely because of the traits I mentioned earlier. Quite modest and meek you
are. And a good friend, too.

JEAN-PIERRE
Thank you.

MARCEL
You would never such a secret slip.

JEAN-PIERRE
No I would not.

MARCEL
I will tell you what I have found. I have found the most beautiful girl who has ever
existed.

JEAN-PIERRE
You have? How do you know?

MARCEL
Months of study.

JEAN-PIERRE
Is she here?

MARCEL
Of course she is here.
 JEAN-PIERRE
Where?

MARCEL
Be cool. You will see her shortly.

JEAN-PIERRE
I will.

MARCEL
Of course.

JEAN-PIERRE
When?

MARCEL
Patience.

JEAN-PIERRE
Of course.

MARCEL
Do you know who I mean when I say the most beautiful girl in the world?

JEAN-PIERRE
I should I?

MARCEL
You should.

JEAN-PIERRE
I don’t suppose I do then.

MARCEL
Have you not heard the story?

JEAN-PIERRE
There is a story?

MARCEL
It is practically legend. You really haven’t heard it?

(JP shakes his head)

MARCEL
The legend of twelve husbands or the most beautiful girl in the world. it begins
out side of town a young bride- oh wait, hush up, be cool-

(enter Dee-Dee. She has a quirky look to her. Ribbons and pins in hair. Layers of
twelve skirts. Her demeanor is depressed yet she finds a smile. Like a flower in a
city sidewalk.)

DEE-DEE
Good afternoon, Monsieur Marcel. How are you today?

MARCEL
(even brighter than a moment before, he speaks as if addressing a crowd.)
I am most splendid, my dear Dee-Dee. The sun blesses everything it touches.

DEE-DEE
Ah, that it does.

MARCEL
And the birds fill the air with such pleasant sounds.

DEE-DEE
Ah, that they do.

MARCEL
And the old painter blends colors in way he has not done in years.

DEE-DEE
Ah, that he does.

MARCEL
And you my dear, how are you today?

DEE-DEE
I cannot complain.

MARCEL
Of course.

DEE-DEE
What can I get for you and your friend Monsieur Marcel?

MARCEL
How silly of me.
Dee-Dee this is my closest friend, John Pierre.
John Pierre this is…Dee-Dee.
 JEAN-PIERRE
It nice to meet you.

DEE-DEE
It is nice to meet you as well.

(They make strong eye contact.)

MARCEL
Today we will have not one but two café lattes.

DEE-DEE
Apiece?

(JP has a short stifled laugh.)

MARCEL
(somehow shamed)
One each will do.

DEE-DEE
Very well, Monsieur Marcel.

MARCEL
Merci Dee-Dee.

(she exits)

MARCEL
Do you see?

JEAN-PIERRE
See what?

MARCEL
This girl. She is the most beautiful in all of the world.

JEAN-PIERRE
Her?

MARCEL
Her? Her? Of course her. How can you not see it?

JEAN-PIERRE
I mean, yes, she is pretty, but-
 MARCEL
Oh wait, of course. How silly of me, it took me months to realize it myself. And
you do not know the story.

JEAN-PIERRE
I do not.

MARCEL
It is a good story, this one. A favorite of mine. I remember reading it somewhere,
though I can’t remember where. Perhaps it was in the paper. Even then I was not
sure it was real, a little to fantastical to be true. but now I am sure, it is most real.

JEAN-PIERRE
Do not leave me waiting.

MARCEL
It begins as things tend to, away from the city. In a small town. A bride stands
outside a small chapel. All the modest attendees are smiling. The day is beautiful
and the sky is clean. The girl holds in her hands a camera that seems much to
big for a girl of her size. It was a gift from her sick grandfather who taught her to
use it. The girl stands apart in her bridal dress, everyone else is spaced
comfortably down the steps. In an instant. Click goes the camera, flash goes the
bulb, and down comes a concrete block the size of your fist onto the new grooms
head. The good news was that he died instantly. This girl was most thoroughly
distraught. But soon after people had heard the story she was in no absence of
suitors. She was urged to remarry quickly before she became an undesirable
spinster. And so she did. A smaller wedding, than before. Everything appeared
to be alright, for about a week. When the second husband dropped dead of
unknown causes. Devastated, she sought refuge in another mans arms, only to
have him drop dead in less than a week after the wedding. She became
notorious through out the city and country. A girl so beautiful that men would risk
death just to be with her. So they came from miles around. They wooed her with
clothes, they wooed her with gems, they wooed her with anything they could
think of. One after one they fell dead, twelve in all. Then she seemed to
disappear, no one ever heard from her again. Even when I read this I supposed
she moved to the city, no better place to disappear. And so I have found her.

JEAN-PIERRE
But how…why did all her husbands die?

MARCEL
No one really knows. Bitter men have suggested that the girl herself has killed
them, a notion the police entertained for a while, until it was obvious it was
preposterous. Each appears to be an act of the cosmos, completely random,
although some might draw on the power of fate, if inclined to believe in such a
thing. A more fantastical notion, some point to the camera.
 JEAN-PIERRE
The camera?

MARCEL
Not long before each man met his end, our darling girl, Dee-Dee, captured this
man for posterity. In each shot the man is smiling, and thoroughly in love. The
legend goes that she has shrines set up to each one, that they are all that keep
her company- oh, wait hush up- Why yes that is an astute comparison of
Descartes and Sartre, Jean-Pierre.

JEAN-PIERRE
Oh, Thank you?

MARCEL
Ah, Dee-Dee. You are back.

DEE-DEE
Here are your two café lattes. One each.

(again small laugh from JP)

MARCEL
Merci.

JEAN-PIERRE
Merci.

DEE-DEE
It is nothing.

(Dee-Dee goes to leave.)

DEE-DEE
Do you really read Sartre?

(JP digs through his bag. Holds up two books.)

JEAN-PIERRE
I have read this, but not this.

DEE-DEE
It is very good.

(Dee-Dee exits.)
 JEAN-PIERRE
She is so sad.

MARCEL
It is what makes her so incredibly attractive. That vulnerability. In her looks alone,
she might get lost in a crowd, but her smile…her glow that brings her above it.
Do you see it my friend?

JEAN-PIERRE
I do.
What do plan on doing?

MARCEL
How do you mean?

JEAN-PIERRE
This girl. She has been through so much in her life. You have found her. Now
what?

MARCEL
I don’t…certainly you’re not suggesting I court this girl.

JEAN-PIERRE
I am merely asking.

MARCEL
To do so would be suicide.

JEAN-PIERRE
You don’t know this.

MARCEL
But the stories-

JEAN-PIERRE
Maybe they are just stories.

MARCEL
Perhaps.

JEAN-PIERRE
Wasn’t it you that was chastising me, appropriately enough, for not seizing life.

MARCEL
This is different.
 JEAN-PIERRE
I’ll tell you what I see. I see my friend Marcel comes to a café every day to see
the girl he calls the most beautiful in the world. I see a girl who seems very sad.
While it is not our job to suppose what she wants, maybe a nice word would
make her happy. May if you asked her story and she chose to tell it, you would
not have to spy on her. To me it is obvious you fancy her, but will not risk telling
her. It is silly for everyone to be scared of her. If I were her I would be very lonely.

MARCEL
I don’t know what to say. You have never spoke to me this way.

JEAN-PIERRE
I can’t say what came over me.

MARCEL
It is alright, but still for now, I cannot say anything to her.

JEAN-PIERRE
Then I will.

MARCEL
Are you alright Jean-Pierre.

JEAN-PIERRE
I must have taken your advice to heart.

MARCEL
I do talk to her.

JEAN-PIERRE
You talk around her. You do not look into her eyes.

MARCEL
I suppose I do.
Here she comes, be cool.

(Dee-Dee enters.)

DEE-DEE
Monsieur Marcel, your bill.

(Pause. Marcel cannot even move.)

JEAN-PIERRE
Merci Dee-Dee. It was nice to meet you, I have not in a long time met someone
that I could tell was a kind and good person. You are a rarity in the city.
 DEE-DEE
Merci Jean-Pierre. Would I be forward to give you my telephone number?

JEAN-PIERRE
I suppose not.

(Dee-Dee writes it down and gives it to him.)

DEE-DEE
You’ll tell me what you think of Sartre and I will take your picture.

(Dee-Dee exits leaving both men in shock. Both reach for their wallet.)

MARCEL
Put that away. I will pay for my lesson today.

END OF SCENE