FAMILY FORTUNE

"Pilot"

Written By
Fortune Feimster & Matt Hubbard

Second Network Revised

1/16/15

COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. PUBLIC SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
(FORTUNE, ABBY, WILLIAM, EXTRAS)
A GROUP OF MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENTS WAIT EXPECTANTLY. THE
BLACKBOARD READS: FORTUNE FERGUSON!! HEALTH AND
NUTRITION!!! OUR HEROINE, FORTUNE, STRIDES INTO CLASS.
FORTUNE
Yesss!

First day of school!

morning, students!

Good

(HUGE, DEEP SNIFF)

Ahhh, I can smell the adolescence.

Like a sweaty dog dipped in
supermarket cologne.
THE STUDENTS SMILE.

Ive missed it.

FORTUNE CROSSES TO THE BLACKBOARD.

FORTUNE (CONTD)

Now I know what youre all thinking:

(HIGH-PITCHED KID VOICE)

Health and

Fitness, whys that important?

thirteen, Im ignorant!

Im

Its

important because Im teaching all of

you hormone-bags how to stay alive.
And the best way to do that is to eat
nutritiously.
out my body.

Now.

Everyone check

(TWIRLING AROUND)

real out of shape.

Im

Even turning like

this is making me sweat.

But thats

because Ive spent all summer gorging

myself on fast food.
(MORE)

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

2.
FORTUNE (CONTD)

Which I did for you.

And starting

today, I will eat nothing but raw

foods.

And you will witness how

stunning my body becomes.

Thats a

better lesson than any dumb book could

ever teach you.
FORTUNE PICKS UP A STUDENTS BOOK AND THROWS IT IN THE TRASH.
THE STUDENT, ABBY, REACTS CONFUSED.
ABBY
Hey!

Miss Fortune, you cant -FORTUNE

Bup bup bup.

Fortune.

Dont call me Miss

Doesnt sound good.

me anything else.
The big F.
that one.

Fortune.

F train.

Call

Miss F.

Oooh, I like

(TRYING IT OUT)

Good

morning, class!
CLASS
(BRIGHTLY) Good morning, F train!
FORTUNE
Yes!

You guys are awesome!

FORTUNE HIGH-FIVES SOME OF THE STUDENTS. THEY LOVE HER.

ANOTHER STUDENT, WILLIAM, RAISES HIS HAND.
WILLIAM
But youre a Miss.
you married?

Not Mrs.

Are

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

3.
FORTUNE

(LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE)
single.

No.

Im

Just waiting for the right

man, I guess.

Now --

ABBY
You cant just wait.
old.

I mean, youre

You have to put yourself out

there, work at it.

Thats how I got

with Tristan.
FORTUNE
Tristan?

That dude who eats erasers?

ABBY

Because his parents are divorcing!

FORTUNE
Weve gotten off track!

(CLAPPING)

Alright, lets start learning.

I want

to begin with a little game I like to

call STD or Healthy Food?
FORTUNE GRABS A POSTERBOARD AND TURNS IT AROUND.
GASPS IN HORROR. FORTUNE LAUGHS, DELIGHTED.

THE CLASS

FORTUNE (CONTD)
Just a pomegranate!

(LAUGHING)

Ha,

you should see your terrified little

faces.

God, I love being a teacher!

CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

4.
ACT ONE
SCENE A

FADE IN:
INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - A LITTLE LATER
(FORTUNE, MIKE, STEVEN, MAUREEN)
FORTUNE SITS, STARING AT SOME BROCCOLI. SHE DOESNT LOOK
HAPPY. MIKE ENTERS, WEARING A MAINTENANCE UNIFORM.
MIKE
Raw food diet started today, huh?
FORTUNE
Yep.

Boy do I hate broccoli.

Maybe

if I stabbed it into a mush it would

taste better.

(GETTING EXCITED) Like

lime pudding!
FORTUNE GETS UP, STARTS VICIOUSLY STABBING THE BROCCOLI.
MIKE CROSSES, EXAMINES THE FOOD.
MIKE
Seems unfair you cant eat what you
want.

Especially on your birthday.

FORTUNE NODS AND PUSHES THE BROCCOLI ASIDE.

USE. MIKE LOOKS HER OVER FOR A BEAT.

STABBING ITS NO

MIKE (CONTD)
That reminds me.

I got you a present.

MIKE CROSSES TO HIS TOOL BAG, TAKES OUT A WRAPPED GIFT, AND
HANDS IT TO HER.
MIKE (CONTD)
Cant believe youre twenty-eight.
You sure have grown up, little girl.
Proud of you.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

5.
FORTUNE

Thanks.

(UNWRAPPING)

God, this would

be so weird if you werent my dad.

MIKE
Yeah.

Never let just a regular

janitor give you gifts.

Were mostly

creeps.
FORTUNE PULLS OUT THE GIFT.

ITS A SMALL KEY.

MIKE (CONTD)
Thats to the food storage room.
you get too hungry, use it.

If

Its

filled with all sorts of good snacks,

including your all-time favorite...
FORTUNE

MIKE

Expired marshmallows!

Expired marshmallows.

FORTUNE
Nice!

When that skin hardens a

little... (SMACKING LIPS) Mamma Mia!

Thanks, Dad.

Youre the best.

SHE THUMPS HIM ON THE ARM.

HE THUMPS HER BACK.

MIKE
Thought I could take you to the
batting cages tonight.

Our birthday

tradition.
FORTUNE
Oh, I cant tonight.

Mom is throwing

me a party at that new margarita bar.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

6.
MIKE

Oh she is, huh?

Margaritas.

(DERISION)

I will only eat or

drink things that have four letters.

Anything else is obscene.
Corn.

Meat.

Beer.

(THINKING, THEN) I guess

thats it.
FORTUNE
Well go to the cages this weekend.
MIKE
Ginger doesnt get a monopoly on you
tonight.

Ill come to the party.

FORTUNE

No no no no.

Because once you and Mom

get in the same room, youll have some

huge fight.

I dont want to repeat my

eighth birthday.

You guys got so bad

the magician tried to break you up and

got a black eye.
MIKE
I will never apologize for causing a
situation where a magician gets hurt.
(THEN)

I promise to be good.
FORTUNE

No deal!

Youre divorced now, you

stay separated, and everyones

happier.

So lets keep it that way.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

7.

MIKE NODS RELUCTANTLY.

FORTUNE (CONTD)
I mean, youre not gonna miss much.
Itll mostly be Mom trying to hook me
up with some guy.
MIKE
Well, Fortune, you are getting older.
Its really time to...
TWO TEACHERS, STEVEN AND MAUREEN, ENTER.
MIKE (CONTD)
Hey, what about Steven?
clean.

Hes very

And wouldnt cheat on you.

Real average-looking.
STEVEN
(SINCERE) Aw thanks, Mike!
FORTUNE
Nah, were too good of friends.

wouldnt want to ruin that.

MIKE PATS STEVEN SYMPATHETICALLY ON THE SHOULDER, EXITS.
STEVEN
Fortune, I cant make your party
tonight.

Nachos make me toot, and Im

in no mood to celebrate.

Joe just

told us hes cancelling the school

trip to Washington, D.C.

Budget cuts.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

8.
FORTUNE

What?

Are you kidding?

Those kids

work hard, they deserve that trip!

MAUREEN
I told you not to tell her.

Fortune,

let me pass on a piece of wisdom that

Ive gleaned from forty years of
teaching:

give up.
FORTUNE

I will not give up!

Our students need

to learn that the worlds bigger than

Belmont, North Carolina.

And man, I

love chaperoning that thing.

Im so

good at breaking up make-out sessions.

FORTUNE MIMES GRABBING THE BACKS OF TWO STUDENTS HEADS. SHE
PULLS THEM APART, SHAKES THEM VIOLENTLY, THEN TOSSES THEM
AWAY. THE OTHERS CLAP. FORTUNE BOWS DEEPLY.
CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

9.
SCENE B

INT. MARGARITA BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

(FORTUNE, GINGER, TYLER, NICHOLE, BARTENDER, EXTRAS)
A MARGARITA BAR. FORTUNE IS THERE WITH SOME FRIENDS. SHE
TAKES A BITE OF HER BROCCOLI MUSH AND GRIMACES, UNHAPPY.
FORTUNES MOM GINGER, HER BROTHER TYLER, AND HER SISTER-INLAW NICHOLE ENTER. TYLER IS WEARING A COAST GUARD UNIFORM.
FORTUNE
Hey family!

Thank you all for coming!

NICHOLE

Thanks for having us.

OMG, your

brother and I are so excited to have a

night away from the kids.

Gingers

agreed to be our designated driver.

(TO WAITER)

Raspberry margarita,

please!
GINGER
Shot of tequila.

(OFF THEIR LOOKS)

Come on, its like three turns to get

home.

Ill be fine.
NICHOLE

(DISAPPOINTED)

Water, please.

GINGER SMILES AND PUMPS HER FIST.

FORTUNE TURNS TO TYLER.

FORTUNE
Tyler, why are you wearing that
ridiculous costume?

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

10.
TYLER

Its a uniform, Fortune!

And people

feel safer when they know a member of

the military is around.
FORTUNE
What?

Come on, youre Coast Guard!

You guys are a bunch of half-assed

lifeguards.
TYLER
No were not.

Were tough!

(WHINY)

Mom, shes being mean!

GINGER
Enough, you two.

(NOTICING) Oooh,

Fortune, check out that guy.

Doesnt

he look like Brad Pitt?

ANGLE ON: A GOOD-LOOKING GUY WHO RESEMBLES BRAD PITT.
NICHOLE
Wow, he is really cute!
FORTUNE
(TRYING) Oh yeah.
looking.

Hes real good-

Hes got Brad Pitts...um

...forehead?

Thats what people like

about Brad Pitt, right?

(GRIMACING)

His big ole shiny forehead?

GINGER
What?

Go over there and talk to him.

(OFF HER RELUCTANCE) Come on!

(MORE)

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

11.
GINGER (CONT'D)

Your age and no man?

home?

Still living at

Its sad.
FORTUNE

You live with me!

I pay the mortgage

because of your credit card debt.

Thats sad.
GINGER
Well, how else am I supposed to buy
things without money?
through, Fortune.

Think things

(THEN)

Now.

Youll find someone if you loosen up

and have fun.

Ill take it from here.

GINGER CROSSES OVER TO THE BARTENDER.

GINGER (CONTD)
Id like to order one of your
specialty body shots, please!
BARTENDER
Maam, my manager has asked me to stop
allowing you to do it.

(WHISPERS)

Youre a grandmother!
ANGLE ON A BODY SHOT WALL OF FAME. GINGERS PICTURE IS UP
ON THE WALL SEVERAL TIMES, SURROUNDED BY TWENTY-YEAR-OLDS.
GINGER
This isnt for me.
daughter Fortune.

Its for my
Shes over there.

THE BARTENDER SIGHS, PICKS UP A MIC, AND JUMPS ON THE BAR.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

12.
BARTENDER

Arriba arriba arriba!

Its time for

one of our world-famous body shots!

Lets bring Fortune up to the bar!
STROBE LIGHTS GO OFF AND SOME SEXY MUSIC KICKS IN. THE
BARTENDER STRIPS OFF HIS SHIRT AND LAYS A TEQUILA SHOT ON HIS
CHEST. FORTUNE REACTS, CAUGHT.
FORTUNE
Oh no.

No no no!

Pass!

Im passing.

THE CROWD BOOS. GINGER STARTS CHANTING FORTUNES NAME AS

EVERYONE ENTHUSIASTICALLY JOINS IN.
FORTUNE (CONTD)
I cant do this!
ALMOST CLOSED)
talk!

I have TMJ!

(MOUTH

This ish how I haffta

Ish debilitating!

MORE CHEERS. THE CROWD WONT HEAR IT. FORTUNE SIGHS DEEPLY.
SHE STEELS HERSELF, AND BENDS HER FACE TOWARD THE BARTENDERS
MASCULINE, SWEATING, GLISTENING, HEAVING CHEST. SHE OPENS
HER MOUTH TO TAKE THE SHOT AND THEN HAS JUST HAD ENOUGH.
FORTUNE (CONTD)
(JUMPING BACK, BLURT) Im gay!

For

the love of God Im gay and I dont

want to do this so everyone back off
and get me ribs because broccoli sucks
and Im GAY AS ALL HELL!
STUNNED SILENCE.

A BEAT.

THEN THE BARTENDER RISES UP.

BARTENDER
Im... Im actually gay too.
CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

13.
SCENE C

INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER

(FORTUNE, GINGER)
FORTUNE AND GINGER ENTER.

ITS TENSE.

A LONG BEAT, THEN:

FORTUNE
Would you like a rib?
FORTUNE HOLDS UP A FOOD BAG FILLED WITH RIBS.
PACING AROUND THE ROOM.

GINGER STARTS

GINGER
Did you mean what you said?

Youre

...gay?
FORTUNE
I think so.

Yes.

Ive always known I

was different, but was afraid to think

about why.

And when I said it, I felt

this huge surge of relief.

It was

like...how can I put this...when you

go into the bathroom at a party and
fart.
GINGER
This is all so shocking.
FORTUNE
Is it?

I mean, Ive never really

cared about guys, and there were some

signs.

Remember my debutante ball?

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. BANQUET HALL - TWELVE YEARS AGO

(FORTUNE)

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

14.

A PRETTY SOUTHERN BELLE IN A LONG GOWN WALKS ONTO STAGE,

CURTSIES AND EXITS. SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD FORTUNE ENTERS, WEARING
A SOFTBALL UNIFORM WITH LONG WHITE GLOVES.
FORTUNE
Whats up?

When is this over?

I got

practice.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS LIVING ROOM - PRESENT DAY
(FORTUNE, GINGER)
GINGER
God, so much is going through my head
right now.
FORTUNE
Well, dont think.

Just say your

feelings out loud.

Confusion, anger,

whatever.

No judgment.
GINGER

Okay... (BLURTING QUICKLY) Im mad I

cant wear that sexy dress I bought
for your wedding day!
FORTUNE
What?!

You were supposed to say I

love you!
GINGER
You said no judgment!

(THEN) Its

just, Ive been thinking about hosting

your wedding my whole life.
this dress is gorgeous.
(MORE)

I mean,

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

15.
GINGER (CONT'D)

I look so good in it, the DJ will be

forced to seduce me.

Now that wont

happen!
FORTUNE
Why not?

I can get married some day.

GINGER

But can I wear the dress?

Do lesbians

even like blue?

FORTUNE
I dont know!

Ive been one for

fifteen minutes!

Mom, this isnt

about you!
GINGER CROSSES OVER TO HER, AND GIVES HER A HUG.
GINGER
Listen, darling.
know that.

I love you.

You

(KISSES HER HEAD) I just

need to get my head around it, okay?

FORTUNE
Me too.
GINGER GETS UP TO EXIT, THEN TURNS.
GINGER
What about your father?
FORTUNE
(EYES WIDE) Oh no.
gonna think?
minded.

Dad.

Whats Dad

He can be real small-

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

16.
GINGER

Well, thats not totally his fault.

Your fathers brain is the size of a
grape.
FORTUNE
Remember when I bought him a
cappuccino machine?

He took it out

back of his house and used it as

target practice!
GINGER
And being gay is way way worse than
cappuccino.
FORTUNE
Hey!
GINGER
Sorry!

Still processing!

GINGER EXITS. FORTUNE SINKS INTO THE COUCH, WORRIED.

CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

17.
SCENE D

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - THE NEXT MORNING

(FORTUNE, MIKE)
FORTUNE WALKS DOWN THE HALL AND SEES MIKE, WHOS STARING AT
SOME KIDS ART PROJECTS ON THE WALL. SHE PULLS UP.
MIKE
(DERISION)

Art.

serial killers.

For Communists and

You think I can take

some of these out back of my house and

shoot them?
FORTUNE REACTS, VERY NERVOUS.
MIKE (CONTD)
How was the party last night?
FORTUNE
Fine.

Fun.

Eventful.

Why would I say that?

Not eventful!
Because heres

why: everythings technically an

event, so of course that makes sense!
Ha ha ho ho ha!
MIKE
Still drunk, huh?

Have some coffee.

MIKE PATS HER ON THE BACK AND HEADS OFF. FORTUNE WATCHES
HIM, PAINED, THEN HEADS DOWN THE HALLWAY.
CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

18.
SCENE E

INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - SAME TIME

(FORTUNE, STEVEN, MAUREEN, JOE)
JOE, A BELEAGUERED PRINCIPAL, IS PUTTING A BAGEL INTO A
TOASTER.
JOE
How mad was Fortune that I cancelled
the trip?
STEVEN
Real mad.
MAUREEN
Like You cant wear cargo shorts
every day, youre a teacher mad.
JOE
Oh no.

I gotta get out of here. (TO

BAGEL)

Just toast, you bastard!

THE BAGEL POPS UP. JOE GRABS IT AND STARTS TO RUSH OUT.
FORTUNE ENTERS, BLOCKING HIS WAY. HER EYES NARROW.
FORTUNE
Well, well, well.

If it isnt Osama

bin Satan-Cosby himself.

JOE
And good morning to you!
sorry about the trip.
public school.

Look, Im

But were a

We have to make do

with what little we get.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

19.
FORTUNE

Joe, Im as serious as a British movie

about this.
I quit.

If you cancel that trip,

Well all quit. (TO THE

GROUP) Right?
STEVEN AND MAUREEN LOOK DOWN AT THEIR COFFEE.
MAUREEN
Im sorry.

Im not quitting.

I got

two years til my pension kicks in.

(YELLING OUT DOOR) And I deserve it,
you little bastards!
STEVEN
Oh, Fortune, Im sorry too.
tight.

Moneys

I just got a new Camaro.

lady I met online suggested I buy it.

Course then it turned out she was
hired by Chevy to convince lonely guys
to buy new cars.

And even though I

knew that, I still proposed to her.

Course then she took a restraining
order out on me.

Anyways, modern

dating!
FORTUNE
Yikes, Steven.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

20.
JOE

No ones quitting.

Were all going to

shake this off and do what we always

do: what we can.
JOE GOES TO POUR HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE.
POT AND DEFIANTLY POURS IT INTO THE SINK.

FORTUNE GRABS THE

JOE WATCHES HER.

JOE (CONTD)
Doesnt matter.

I wanted decaf.

THEY BOTH LUNGE FOR THE DECAF POT.

THEY WRESTLE OVER IT.

FORTUNE
Youll never win this fight, Joe!

You

have a pacemaker and I have the arm

strength of a chimp!
CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

21.
SCENE H

INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

(FORTUNE, GINGER, MIKE)
FORTUNE ENTERS AND PULLS UP. THE LIVING ROOM IS COMPLETELY
REDECORATED: RAINBOW FLAGS FLY. SCULPTURES OF NUDE WOMEN
ARE ON EVERY SURFACE. ENYA PLAYS. ITS LESBIAN HEAVEN.
FORTUNE
What in the -GINGER ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS, DRESSED TO THE NINES.
GINGER
Theres my beautiful lesbo!
FORTUNE
What is happening here?
GINGER
Well, Ive spent all day researching
gay life on-line!

(GRABBING FORTUNES

HANDS) What a vibrant culture!

So

many colors, and dancing, and

pornography.

Its wonderful!
FORTUNE

Okay.

Look, I appreciate the support,

but this is a little much.

GINGER
(NOT LISTENING) Ive been looking for
something fun to fill my cup since you
called Hoarders on me, and this is
it!

Now go upstairs and get dressed.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

22.
FORTUNE

For what?
GINGER
Your lesbian coming-out party, of
course!

I met a bunch of girls online

and theyre on their way.

FORTUNE
No way.

Mom, I havent even told Dad.

Thats going to be very delicate, so

slow down!
GINGER
Oh, come on.

You ruined your

debutante coming-out, I deserve this!

FORTUNE
I deserve this.
egomaniac!

Youre an

Are you even listening to

yourself?
GINGER
Of course I am!

Im very interesting!

FORTUNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS. THE DOORBELL RINGS.

GINGER SQUEALS AND OPENS THE DOOR. MIKE IS STANDING THERE.
UH-OH.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

23.
ACT TWO
SCENE J

INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS LIVING ROOM - SECONDS LATER

(FORTUNE, GINGER, MIKE)
FORTUNE REACTS, PANICKED, AS MIKE STARES AT GINGER.
MIKE
What are you doing here?
your yoga class now.
Yoga.

You have

(DERISION)

I cant believe that word has

only four letters.

GINGER
Im here because this is my house, you
jerk!

Why are you here?

MIKE

I come over when youre gone so

Fortune and I can watch SportsCenter
and make fun of the announcers
haircuts.

(LOOKING AROUND)

What are

all these decorations?

FORTUNE
Its uh...its...
MIKE
You having some sort of Hawaii party?
Thats dumb.
GINGER WHEELS ON FORTUNE.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

24.
GINGER

Youre spending time with your father

secretly?

How dare you!

(GETTING IN

HER FACE)

Do you like him better?

FORTUNE

I like both of you equally.

GINGER
(GASPS)

Your eyes went up when you

said that!

That means youre lying!

FORTUNE

No it doesnt.
GINGER
Of course it does.
the time.

Fortune, I lie all

I know lying!
MIKE

Heh-heh.

I won.
GINGER

Zip it, you stupid old-FORTUNE

No!

Cut it out, both of you!

God,

five seconds in a room together and

youre like two cats in a bag.
is why I keep you separate.

This

So I

dont have to witness some awful fight

that I get dragged into!

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

25.
MIKE

Sorry.

(BEAT, THEN) But if you agree

shes being too sensitive Ill take

you to the movies.
GINGER
Mini-golf!

Mini-golf and ice cream!

(THEN, COMPOSING HERSELF)

Mike, just sit down.

Okay.

Theres

something else we need to talk about.

MIKE
(IM ANNOYED) Ugggggghhhhh!
MIKE SITS.

FORTUNE WATCHES HIM FOR A BEAT.

THEN:

FORTUNE
Forget it, Dad.

You can go.

MIKE
(MAKE UP YOUR MIND) Ugggggghhhh!
MIKE EXITS.

FORTUNE TURNS ON GINGER.

FORTUNE

Cancel the party!

I need to find the

right time and way to talk to Dad.

Until then, back off.
FORTUNE EXITS UPSTAIRS.

GINGER WATCHES HER GO.

GINGER
(CALLING AFTER HER)

Vagina statues

arent cheap, you know!

CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

26.
SCENE K

INT. TYLER AND NICHOLES HOUSE - LATER

(FORTUNE, TYLER, NICHOLE)
TYLER AND NICHOLE ARE THERE.

FORTUNE ENTERS.

FORTUNE
Hey.

I wanted some advice about --

NICHOLE TAKES FORTUNES ARM AND LEADS HER TO A CHAIR.

NICHOLE SITS DOWN NEXT TO TYLER. SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND NODS.
NOTE: NICHOLE MOUTHS THE FOLLOWING SPEECH.
TYLER
(STILTED) Dear sister.

What a

monumental life-choice you have made.

Nichole and I accept who you are.
This beautiful Earth can only work if
we embrace the...uh...the deviance -NICHOLE
Diversity!

The diversity of human

sexual experience!

(DISAPPOINTED)

Tyler, that was the best part!

TYLER
Im sorry.

(TO FORTUNE) I was up all

night trying to memorize this.

FORTUNE
All night?!

You shouldve done a

better job!

(THEN)

Look, Tyler, just

tell me what you really think.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

27.
TYLER

I dont know.
confusing.

Its weird.

Its

But Ive been watching

Ellen -FORTUNE
I love her.

A gay woman we can all

look up to.
TYLER
(BLOWN AWAY) Shes gay?!

Aw man, I

was just watching it to take my mind

off things!

(SHAKING IT OFF) Well,

Ill say this.

Youre my sister.

And

Im here for you.

FORTUNE
(TOUCHED) Little bro.
much to me.

That means so

Come here.

FORTUNE OPENS HER ARMS UP FOR A HUG. TYLER COMES OVER... BUT
THEN FORTUNE PUTS HIM INTO A VICIOUS HEADLOCK! HE SHRIEKS.
FORTUNE (CONTD)
You think I care what you think, you
little turd!
THEY STRUGGLE.

I OWN YOU!

AFTER A BEAT, FORTUNE LETS HIM GO.

FORTUNE (CONTD)

(LAUGHING) Im sorry.

Youre so

headlockable!
TYLER CROSSES BACK TO THE COUCH, COMPOSING HIMSELF.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

28.
FORTUNE (CONTD)

Listen, I havent told Dad yet.

He

was just over at the house, and I

couldnt do it.

All I could think

about was... Gordon.

TYLER
Yeah.

Gordon.
NICHOLE

Whos Gordon?
FORTUNE
Dads dog.

And his best friend, until

Gordon peed on his truck in 2007.

hasnt spoken to Gordon since.

He

Now

all Gordon does is hide in the corner,

wishing he was dead!
TYLER
And being gay is way worse then peeing
on a truck!
FORTUNE
God.

I cant get Gordon-ed.

lose Dad.

I cant

Hes my rock.
NICHOLE

You two are being silly.

Fortune,

youre not going to lose Mike.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

29.
TYLER

I dont know, Nichole.

I grew my hair

long once, he moved into the forest

until I cut it.
FORTUNE
He did the same thing when I got a
tongue ring in college.

He accused me

of being a Satanist, but it was really

just to help me more efficiently eat
rib meat!
NICHOLE
I just dont think hell leave -TYLER
It could happen.
we lose Dad?

And Nichole, what if

Ginger would be the only

one who babysits the kids!

NICHOLE
Oh my God.

You cant tell him.

FORTUNE GETS UP AND STARTS PACING.

SHES SPIRALLING.

FORTUNE
What do I do?

I cant risk losing

Dad. But if I also want love,

companionship - all that dumb crap then I need to...(MAKING DECISION)
just suck it up and be straight.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

30.
NICHOLE

No.

You cant force yourself to be

straight.

Impossible.
FORTUNE

What?

You calling me out, skinny?

NICHOLE SHAKES HER HEAD, A LITTLE SCARED.

FORTUNE (CONTD)
I can do anything.

I made it almost

five hours on a raw food diet.

Do I

love the idea of being with a guy?

No.

But itll be like running a

marathon or watching PBS: awful while

youre in the middle of it, but you
feel really proud when youre done.
Maybe Ill grow to like it.
always liked bananas.

Ive

How different

can it be?
NICHOLE
Its way worse.
Sorry, honey.

(OFF TYLERS LOOK)

But it is.

FORTUNE
Alright.

Im straight.

Lets do

this.
FORTUNE PUNCHES THE AIR AND THEN EXITS, ON A MISSION.
NICHOLE
Poor Fortune.

Shes so confused.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

31.
TYLER

I cant believe I messed up your

speech.

I knew the right word was

deviance.
NICHOLE
(RUBBING TEMPLES)

Diversity.

TYLER
God.

Im sorry.

I wish I was as

smart as you.
NICHOLE
Oh, honey, you are smart.

Just in a

different way.
TYLER
Really?
NICHOLE
Yeah.

You are smart... (HAS NOTHING)

in the face.

And in the body.

Youre

so handsome.

Thats a way of being

smart.
TYLER STARES AT HER, TAKING THIS IN.

THEN SMILES.

TYLER
That makes a lot of sense to me.
NICHOLE
(FEELING BAD FOR HIM)
TYLER NODS.

It does?!

NICHOLE HUGS HIM AND KISSES HIS HEAD.

CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

32.
SCENE L

INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

(FORTUNE, STEVEN)
FORTUNE IS THERE.

STEVEN KNOCKS AND ENTERS.

STEVEN

Hey hey hey!

Steven!

Its stinkety-stinkety

(THEN, EXPLAINING)

I read on

a website youre supposed to enter

rooms in a cool way.

Didnt feel

great.
FORTUNE
No, it was cool!

Thanks for coming.

STEVEN SITS DOWN NEXT TO FORTUNE.

STEVEN
No problem.

Listen, Ive been feeling

real bad about not quitting with you

the other day.

So I put together a

car wash to raise money for the trip

to Washington.
in.

All the teachers are

Maureen, Joe, everyone.

FORTUNE

Thats a great idea.

Thank you.

STEVEN
Of course!

So, whatd you want to

talk about?
FORTUNE TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN MOVES CLOSER TO HIM.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

33.
FORTUNE

Just about... how much I like you.

Youre a sweet guy, you know that?
STEVEN SHRUGS.

FORTUNE PUTS HER HAND ON HIS LEG.

FORTUNE (CONTD)

(BREATHY) I really like

your...uh...forehead.
shiny.

Mmmmm.

Big and

Its like a mirror, baby.

STEVEN

Uh, thanks.

Hey, what are you -FORTUNE

(FINGER ON HIS LIPS) Sssssshhhhhhh.

SHE TAKES HER FINGER AWAY, THEN BLOWS IN STEVENS FACE.
HARD, AND FOR TOO LONG. STEVEN REACTS, WEIRDED OUT.

TOO

FORTUNE (CONTD)
I cant fight this.

I want you.

FORTUNE GRABS SOME FRITOS AND PUTS THREE ON STEVENS ARM.

FORTUNE (CONTD)
Lets make this happen.
FORTUNE SEXILY EATS THE THREE FRITOS OFF STEVENS ARM.
FORTUNE (CONTD)
Hmmmm.

Those went down pretty quick.

Got right to the man-skin.

Hlmrgh.

Hold on a second.
SHE DUMPS THE ENTIRE BAG OF FRITOS ON STEVENS CHEST. HE
REACTS, STUNNED. FORTUNE STICKS HER FACE INTO HIS CHEST AND
STARTS EATING THE FRITOS.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

34.
FORTUNE (CONTD)

(MOUTH FULL) Theshe could ushe some

cheesh dip.

Lemme just --

STEVEN JUMPS UP, HAVING HAD ENOUGH.

STEVEN
Cut it out!

Fortune, why are you

trying to hit on me?

Youre gay!

FORTUNE PULLS UP, SHOCKED.

FORTUNE
Wait.

You think Im gay?

STEVEN

Think?

Fortune, weve been best

friends for fifteen years.

I know.

You wore a bolo tie to our prom.

sleep with a dreamcatcher.

You

You have

season tickets to the WNBA, and

theres no team anywhere near here!
Want me to keep going?

Am I wrong?

FORTUNE
No.

Youre right, Steven.

STEVEN

Thank the Lord you finally admitted it

to yourself!

So why are you trying to

sleep with stinkety-stinkety Steven?

FORTUNE
Because everything would be so much
easier if I could just be straight!
(MORE)

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

35.
FORTUNE (CONT'D)

Im scared to tell my dad.

I mean, it

could ruin everything!

FORTUNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS, UPSET.
BACK SYMPATHETICALLY.

STEVEN RUBS HER

STEVEN
Fortune, the only way you could ruin
everything is by forcing yourself to
be something youre not.

Dammit,

Fortune, youre mega-lesbian.

You

have a turquoise blazer!

FORTUNE WATCHES STEVEN, A HALF-SMILE ON HER FACE.
STEVEN (CONTD)
Now I cant tell you what Mikes gonna
do.

But youve got a choice.

Say

Im gay - just two words - or deal

with this every night:

(DEEP MAN

VOICE)

Hey baby, Im home from the

plant.

Gimme some sugar.

STEVEN GRABS HER HEAD AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HER. HE
REALLY GOES FOR IT. FORTUNE SHAKES HIM OFF, DISGUSTED.
FORTUNE
Blecch!

You made your point!

God,

the tongue was unnecessary!

CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

36.
SCENE M

INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

(FORTUNE, GINGER, TYLER, NICHOLE, MIKE)
GINGER, TYLER, AND NICHOLE ARE THERE.
THE LIVING ROOM.

FORTUNE ENTERS FROM

FORTUNE
Okay.

Dads here.

then we all talk.

Ill tell him, and

Thank you for

supporting me.
FORTUNE CROSSES INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

MIKE IS THERE.

MIKE
Whats all that whispering in the
kitchen?

Its been weird here lately.

FORTUNE

Yeah.

Listen, Dad.

There is

something going on.

MIKE
(DEEP BREATH)

Fortune, I know whats

going on.
FORTUNE
You do?
MIKE
Yes.

I know.

I know youve somehow

figured out your mom and I are

sleeping with each other.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

37.
ACT THREE
SCENE P

FADE IN:
INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
(FORTUNE, GINGER, MIKE, TYLER, NICHOLE)
FORTUNE JUMPS UP, SHOCKED AND ANGRY.
FORTUNE
Youre sleeping with Mom?!
(CALLING OFF)

Mom!

What?

Get out here!

GINGER COMES IN, FOLLOWED BY TYLER AND NICHOLE.

FORTUNE (CONTD)
Youre doing it with Dad?
GINGER FREEZES UP.

TYLERS MOUTH DROPS OPEN.

FORTUNE (CONTD)

This makes no sense!

You two hate

each other.
GINGER
And thats been making the sex pretty
interesting.
FORTUNE
First of all, gross!

Second, explain

how this happened.

GINGER
Well, Mike came over a while ago.
Just to fix the light in your room.
(MORE)

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

38.
GINGER (CONT'D)

And he looked pretty manly up there on

that ladder so I grabbed hold
and...off we went.
FORTUNE
Oh, God!

In my room?
MIKE

Thats where we do it.

FORTUNE
Youre still doing it there?
GINGER
Honey, you have the newest mattress.
FORTUNE
We had a system!
it was working.

Separate lives.
So what now?

And

Youre

like, together again?

GINGER
Well, Ive asked Mike to move back in.
And since space is a little tight
here, you might have to... move into
the garage.
FORTUNE
What?
MIKE
Or the attic.

Wont take much to

clear out the dead raccoons up there!

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

39.
FORTUNE

No. I am not moving.

And Im not

letting you two get back together.

Were not going back to the yelling,
the picking sides, the slamming doors.
GINGER
Honey, you wont hear any doors when
youre way up in the attic.
FORTUNE
Youre both being selfish, pathetic
asses.

Right, Tyler?
TYLER

(LONG BEAT, EYES WELLING) Mommy and

Daddy are getting married again?
Santa heard my prayers!
FORTUNE THROWS UP HER HANDS, FRUSTRATED AT TYLER.
MIKE
Take it easy.
married.

Were not getting

Youre mother and I are just

...having some fun.

GINGER
Having some fun?
Mike.

Thats insulting,

Youre taking this seriously.

(TO GROUP) He cries after we do it.

MIKE
Because when were done I know youre
going to start talking!

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

40.
GINGER

(GASPING)

You sack of -NICHOLE

Okay, it seems like theres a lot of

big feelings here, and I think if
everyone takes a few deep breaths-GINGER
Come on.

Dont bring that Yankee

psychiatric sorcery into my house!

NICHOLE
(MAD) Im not a Yankee.

I was born in

North Carolina!
GINGER
But your parents are from (SPITTING)
Massachusetts!

If your grandparents

didnt have slaves youre a Yankee.

MIKE
Shes right about that.
NICHOLE
Im not taking this.

Yall, thats

right, thats a legit yall...are

crazy.
NICHOLE EXITS.

Tyler.
TYLER LOOKS AT GINGER AND MIKE.
TYLER

(PATHETIC) Can we all play mini-golf

and have ice cream tomorrow?

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

41.
NICHOLE (O.C.)

Tyler!
TYLER NODS AND EXITS.

GINGER TURNS TO MIKE.

GINGER
Im going upstairs.

When I come down,

you better be gone.

GINGER EXITS UPSTAIRS, HURT AND ANGRY.
FORTUNE
I cant believe you two.
MIKE
This isnt your business, Fortune!
Stay out of it!

Im leaving.

FORTUNE
Good!

Go!

MIKE EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR.

A BEAT.

GINGER POPS BACK IN.

GINGER
Did you happen to notice if he looked
at my butt when I walked upstairs?
Cause I want him to know what he just
gave up!
CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

42.
SCENE R

INT. FORTUNE AND GINGERS KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT

(FORTUNE, GINGER)
GINGER THINKS WHILE SHE DRINKS COFFEE. FORTUNE ENTERS AND
GETS A BOTTLE OF WATER FROM THE FRIDGE. SHE STARTS BACK OUT.
GINGER
(NOT LOOKING UP) You ready to
apologize, darling?
FORTUNE LOOKS HER OVER, SIGHS, AND SITS.
FORTUNE
I suppose I overreacted.

Im sorry I

said I wish you werent my mom.

GINGER
You didnt say that.
FORTUNE
(BEAT, THEN)
diary.

I guess that was to my

(THEN) Mom, what youre doing

with Dad - its really bad.

He cant

move back in here.

GINGER
I know.

That would be a mistake.

Because Lord knows Mike and I had a

lot of bad times together.

But there

were good times too.

GINGER PICKS UP HER COFFEE CUP, LOOKS AT IT.
GINGER (CONTD)
You know, your dads like this cup of
coffee.

Plain old everyday coffee.

(MORE)

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

43.
GINGER (CONTD)

Boring, maybe a little bitter.

But

when you get to the bottom of it,

theres a little brandy.

Which is

sweet and nice and surprising.

And

that part of Mike is why, as much as

we drive each other crazy, I cant
quite stop loving him.

You know its

there as well as I do.

(TAKES

FORTUNES HAND)

I know youre scared

of telling him who you are.

gotta do it, Fortune.

But you

Try to find

that brandy.
FORTUNE TAKES THIS IN.
FORTUNE
You are something, Mom.

Ninety-nine

percent nuts but then you go and say

something like -GINGER
Would you be willing to lend me money
for a breast lift?
FORTUNE
There she is!
CUT TO:

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

44.
SCENE T

INT. MIKES HOUSE - THE NEXT DAY

(FORTUNE, GINGER, MIKE)
MIKE SITS ON HIS COUCH. HE HAS A PLATE OF MEAT AND CORN.
SHAKES SOME SALT ON THE PLATE, THEN OPENS UP A COLD BEER.
SMILES, PICKS UP A REMOTE TO TURN ON THE TV. HEAVEN. HE
GOES TO HIT THE BUTTON AS FORTUNE AND GINGER ENTER.

HE
HE

MIKE
(OFF THEM) No!

God help me, no!

GINGER
Simmer down, you big dummy.

Listen,

you and I are going to talk later.

About us.

But right now I want you to

sit with Fortune.

She has something

she wants to tell you.

Ill be in the

kitchen.
GINGER CROSSES INTO THE KITCHEN.

MIKE TURNS TO FORTUNE.

MIKE
What now?
FORTUNE CROSSES TO THE COUCH. AS SHE DOES, SHE PASSES
GORDON, WHO IS IN THE CORNER, LOOKING EXTREMELY SAD.
FORTUNE
Hey, Gordon.

Hows it going?

GORDON COVERS HIS EYES WITH HIS PAWS AND ROLLS OVER,
DEBILITATED BY HIS DEPRESSION. FORTUNE REACTS, WORRIED, BUT
THEN STEELS HERSELF AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO MIKE.
MIKE
You want some -FORTUNE
Im gay, Dad.

I am gay.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

45.

MIKE FREEZES.
FORTUNE (CONTD)
Ive been trying to tell you for a
couple days, but there it is.
(POINTING TO SELF) Lesbian.
MIKE
(LONG BEAT, THEN) Awwwwwww hell.
FORTUNE
I know.

And I know this is a shock.

What are you thinking?

MIKE
Hmmmmm.

Mrggghhh.

Frwwwwww.

FORTUNE
Im freaking out.

Use some words.

MIKE
Okay.

Well.

my daughter.

(LOOKING DOWN)

Youre

Youre my daughter.

Youre my daughter.
GINGER BURSTS IN.
GINGER
For the love of hell, Mike, she knows
shes your daughter.

Shes trying to

tell you shes gay!

FORTUNE
Get out of here!

Let me have this

moment!
GINGER HOLDS UP HER HANDS, THEN SLINKS OUT.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

46.
MIKE

So... what do we do now?

FORTUNE RAISES HER SHOULDERS, I DONT REALLY KNOW.
MIKE (CONTD)
(THINKS, THEN)
Old Navy?

Want me to take you to

Get you a new outfit?

FORTUNE

Old Navy?
MIKE
Yep.

Nice fleece vest.

Then we can

swing by the batting cages.

havent gone.

We still

Birthday tradition.

MIKE STANDS UP BRISKLY AND STARTS TO EXIT.

FORTUNE
Wait.

Dad...shouldnt we talk more?

Do you have any questions?

MIKE
Fortune, have you met me?
like to talk.
stuff!

I dont

Especially about this

When your brother asked me

what sex was I gave him a screwdriver

and a funnel and told him to figure it
out himself.

I faked a heart attack

when your mom told me she wanted more

cuddle time.

This is the longest

speech Ive given in ten years!

its killing me!

And

So lets just go.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

47.
FORTUNE

Okay.

Sure.

GINGER PEEKS OUT FROM BEHIND THE KITCHEN DOOR AS MIKE STARTS
OUT. HE TURNS BACK TO FORTUNE, A LITTLE TENTATIVE.
MIKE
Actually, I do have one question.

Do

you still even want to go to the cages

with me?

Do lesbians like hitting

softballs?
FORTUNE
Of course we do.

Its our superpower.

MIKE
Thats good.

(THIS IS TOUGH)

Cause

itd break my heart if we couldnt do

stuff like that together anymore.
Youre my rock, Fortune.
MIKE STARTS OUT.

FORTUNE WATCHES HIM, TOUCHED.

FORTUNE

Thank you, Dad.

I love you so much.

MIKE NODS. FORTUNE FOLLOWS HIM OUT THE DOOR. GINGER WALKS
INTO THE LIVING ROOM, HAVING WITNESSED THIS TOUCHING FAMILY
SCENE. HOW WILL SHE RESPOND?
GINGER
I knew she liked him better than me!
Arggghhh!
TERRIBLY. SHE FLIPS OVER MIKES DINNER TRAY AND SITS ON THE
COUCH, FURIOUS, AS WE...
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

48.
TAG

FADE IN:
INT. MIKES HOUSE - A COUPLE DAYS LATER
(FORTUNE, GINGER, MIKE, TYLER, NICHOLE, GORDON)
FORTUNE, GINGER, TYLER, NICHOLE AND GORDON ARE THERE,
WAITING. MIKE ENTERS IN HIS WORK CLOTHES. HE PULLS UP,
SEEING THEM.
MIKE
Oh boy.

Is someone else gay?

it this time?

Who is

Nichole?

NICHOLE
No, no.

One hundred percent straight.

Well, ninety-nine percent.

Had one

weird week during my semester abroad

in college.
FORTUNE
Really?

Nice.

Unity.

SHE AND NICHOLE BUMP FISTS.

GINGER
This is about Gordon, Mike.
you to forgive him.

We need

Hes in a bad

place.
TYLER HOLDS UP A RAGGED, DISGUSTING CHEW DOLL.
TYLER
He left Mr. Chewy on my doorstep last
night.

(SHAKEN)

possessions, Dad!

Hes giving away his

Hes suicidal!

MIKE THINKS FOR A BEAT, THEN STARES AT GORDON.

Family Fortune
"Pilot"

49.
MIKE

Well.

I think Ive learned over the

past few days that Im going to need

to be a little bit more accepting.
MIKE APPROACHES GORDON, KNEELS DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM.
MIKE (CONTD)
Gordon, that lesson...does not apply
to you!

I will never forgive you!

FORTUNE

Oh for Gods sakes.

GORDON STARTS BARKING AT MIKE, FURIOUS.
MIKE
Go ahead and yell.

Because thats all

you know how to do.

GORDON CONTINUES TO BARK.
MIKE (CONTD)
Are you done?

Can I talk?

I let you

speak, can I speak now?

GORDON AND MIKE CONTINUE TO ARGUE AS THE REST OF THE FAMILY
REACTS, UNCOMFORTABLE.
END OF TAG