Soulmate AU

Two people walk past each other. It doesnt matter their age, race, gender,
ethnicity, whatever. The only casting stipulation is that B needs to be pretty
physically flexible. They bump into each other, and A drops their groceries.

A: Oh mother fucking shit balls ass bitch fuck

B: JESUS GOD ITS YOU
Both people look at each other. The first pulls up their sleeve to show the phrase
Jesus God its you tattooed on their arm in thick letters.
The second pulls up their sleeve to show Oh motherfucking the other sleeve to
show shit balls, rolls up a pant leg to show ass bitch, and turns around, drops
their pants and bends over to show FUCK written neatly on their buttocks. They
are wearing underwear revealing enough that it is not necessary to shed those as
well to see FU on one cheek and CK on the other.
A: (after a pause) Well then
B: (still bent over) Well
A: This is certainly not how I thought this would go.
B: (still bent over) This is exactly how I thought this would go.
A: How did you know?
B: (looks at A from between their legs with a how the fuck do you think type
expression)
A: Oh. Ya I guess that makes sense.
B: Ive rehearsed
A: Im impressed. Youre very stretchy.
B: Thank you.
A: So
B: Yes?
A: Are you going to get up, or?

B: I would love to.

A:
B:
A: UhB: Im stuck.
A: Oh shit really?
B: Ya I cannot move. Im am essentially immobilized.
A: Oh god do you need help?
B: Nah, I just found a penny on the ground so I thought Id look at that for a while.
A: What year?
B: 1995
A: Hey, I was born that year!
B: Well isnt today just full of fucking miracles!
A:
B:
A: You need help dont you.
B: If you can spare the effort.
A: (As they position themselves to straighten out B) You know, I always wondered
what youd be like. I mean, Jesus God its you never exactly gave me many clues,
but still, cant help but speculate.
B: Ow
A: I figured you couldnt be super religious or you wouldnt be saying Jesus will
nilly like that.
B: Ow
A: I guess you couldve been religious with a different religion that didnt care as
much about Jesus,
B: Ow

A: but you dont exactly meet many folks who are religious and go around using
other peoples gods as expletives. Isnt that interesting? (A stops trying to
straighten B as they get into this line of reasoning) People go around claiming this
one god or another is the true one and the one they must worship and praise every
weekend, yet they use that same gods name when they want to express how they
feel about stubbing a toe. I feel like Christians should say something like Aw
Vishnu that hurt, or Oh for The Flying Spaghetti Monsters sake. I mean, it
shouldnt hurt them to offend a god they dont particularly care for. (A begins to try
and help B again) Then againB: OW
A: -I guess the tendency to use your own god as an expletive simply comes from
overexposure. If youve been raised with all this importance foisted on this one
character, thats the name that comes to mind when your conscious brain isnt in
control and your instincts kick in. Of course,
B: OW
A: its also possible its a symptom of seeing other people do it for ages. Ive seen
Jewish kids who grew up in mostly Christian neighborhoods say stuff like Jesus
Christ-
B: JESUS CHRIST
A: Ya like that, when they hurt themselves. I guess its just a cultural thing. I should
talk to a sociologist. (Gets down and hands and knees so they are at eye level with
B) You wouldnt happen to be a sociologist would you?
B: If this is what our future life together is going to be like, maybe Ill just stay
single.
A: Oh shit I am so sorry! When I get on a tangent like that I really just kinda lose
myself.
B: Good to know. By the way, I would love to not die here, if thats too much to ask.
A: Right, sorry.
With a mighty heave A wrenches B into a standing position.
B: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA:
OHMYGODAREYOUOKOHMYGODAREYOUHURTDOINEEDTOCALLADOCTORSOMEONEH
ELP

B: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA (begins laughing

hysterically)
A: Uh, ok, now which hospital do I call, physical or mental?
B: I cant fucking believe how long that took you.
A: Look, I am so sorry, sometimes when an idea strikes meB: You roll with it. (B kisses A)
A:
B:
A: Wha
B: I figure were going to be the weird couple in the neighborhood.
A: Do that again.
(B kisses A again. Its much more mutual now.)
B: You wanna meet my dog?
A: (their eyes light up) You have a dog?!
B: Her name is Puttenesca. Shes aA: IS SHE A PUG????
B: yes actually how did youA: DO YOU CALL HER POOKIE SOMETIMES?
B: Have you been stalking me?
A: Look!
A rolls up her other sleeve, to show a small cartoon drawing of a pug with the name
Pookie written next to it in delicate cursive.
B: Wow. So youre also soul mates with my dog?
A: I guess so. So can we please go to your place and meet her?
B: Sure, I live just down Martha Street. My house has some badass garden gnomes
in front of it, so its kinda hard to missA: ILL RACE YOU

A takes off stage left, the direction she was traveling in the first place.
B: Well then. This will certainly liven up my Mondays.
B goes to chase them, but immediately trips and falls over their own pants, which
have been, of course, down around their ankles this whole time. B lies on the floor
for a while.
B: Oh for The Flying Spaghetti monsters sake.