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Flight of the Conchords
"Frodo"
by
Michael Pascucci
(Based on, If Any)
Revisions by
Michael Pascucci
Current Revisions by
Michael Pascucci, 8/20/07
Flight of the Conchords
“Frodo”
ACT ONE
“MONDAY”
EXT. NYC CITY STREET - AFTERNOON
Jemaine and Bret walk and talk on their way towards Dave’s
shop.
JEMAINE
Hey Bret. What did you want to do
when you were younger?
BRET
Mostly I just wanted to play
outside.
JEMAINE
No, I mean, when you were older.
BRET
I still just want to play outside.
JEMAINE
No, I mean, when you were younger
what did you want to do when you
were older? Like, I wanted to be a
sexy rockstar, that way I would be
getting even more chicks than I’m
getting now.
BRET
But you’re not getting any chicks
now.
JEMAINE
Yeah but I’d still be getting more.
Bret thinks for a moment.
BRET
I just wanted to be a tiger.
JEMAINE
I don’t think that’s going to
happen.
Flight of the Conchords "Frodo" (SPEC SCRIPT) 8/20/07 2.
BRET
Well that wasn’t very nice. That’s
my dream. I didn’t go crushing
your dream.
JEMAINE
Yeah but my dream is more -- it’s
based in reality. Yours involves
an operation.
(a beat)
Or magic.
BRET
Are you saying there’s no such
thing as magic?
JEMAINE
No.
(a beat)
But there’s not.
BRET
What about that guy who was outside
our building that time who guessed
you had a twenty in your wallet and
you had to give it to him?
JEMAINE
(serious)
Yeah, no you’re right I didn’t
think about that.
They reach the entrance to Dave’s shop, and watch as a SMALL

GROUP OF PEOPLE, dressed in various “Lord Of The Rings”
costumes, exit the store and continue on across the street.
A smile etches widely across Bret’s face.
CLOSE ON JEMAINE. His eyes are wide and fearful.
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
Not again.
Jemaine turns and takes off at a run back the way they came.
BRET
(calling after)
Hey Jemaine! Where are you going!
Jemaine!
Jemaine keeps running and offers no answer.

INT. DAVE’S SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
Dave stands behind the counter, counting a wad of cash. He

looks up as the BELL SOUNDS above the DOOR when BRET ENTERS.
DAVE
Hey man.
BRET
Hey Dave.
DAVE
Hey one of those elf dudes that
just left was asking about you.
BRET
About me?
DAVE
Yeah he was from Europe too. Told
him I knew a couple of guys from
there.
BRET
New Zealand.
DAVE
(annoyed by the
correction)
Yeah, like I said, Europe.
(a beat)
Anyway he left his cell phone
number.
Dave hands it to him. Bret looks at it curiously.
BRET
Did he tell you his name?
DAVE
Yeah man.
Bret waits for Dave to tell him, but he says nothing else.
BRET
Can you tell me?
DAVE
Steve.
BRET
(excited)
Steve! Oh man, can I borrow your
phone?
Dave reaches under the counter and pulls out an old rotary
dial phone. Bret picks up the receiver and begins the task
of dialing.
DAVE
(sotto voce)
New Zealand.
(pause)
What happened to Old Zealand.
Bret stares at him for a moment nonplussed.
BRET
It burnt down.
Dave nods knowingly.
EXT. NEW ZEALAND EMBASSY - DAY
Establishing.
INT. MURRAY’S OFFICE - SAME TIME
Murray sits across from Jemaine. Bret is not there.
JEMAINE
Why don’t we just start without
him.
MURRAY
We can’t have a band meeting with
only half the band Jemaine. That’s
poor management.
The door swings open, Bret, out of breath from running there,
ENTERS. He’s not alone. Following in behind is STEVE, good
looking, their fellow Kiwi, who is dressed like Gandalf.
Jemaine averts his gaze.
MURRAY (CONT'D)
Well finally Bret. We were just
about to start without you.
JEMAINE
No we weren’t.
MURRAY
Of course we were, we weren’t going
to wait around all day.
JEMAINE
But you said that starting with
half the band was -- is poor
management.
Murray leans in towards Jemaine to whisper but it is

completely audible to Bret.
MURRAY
I’m just trying to scare him
straight Jemaine.
JEMAINE
Bret’s not gay.
MURRAY
I mean scare him into not being
late again.
Jemaine nods in approval, and both smile and Murray’s

“cleverness.”
Bret and Steve share a glance.
BRET
I’m really sorry I’m late Murray.
JEMAINE
And Jemaine.
BRET
And Jemaine.
MURRAY
All right. Now that we’re all
here, band meeting. Jemaine?
JEMAINE
(annoyed)
You just said we were all here.
Murray gives him a stern look.
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
(sighs)
Here.
MURRAY
Bret?
BRET
Here.
MURRAY
Okay first order of business...
(looks at Steve)
Who are you?
BRET
Oh this is our friend Steve.
Jemaine and I invented rap at one
of his barbecues.
Murray shakes his hand. Steve leans so that Jemaine is forced

to look at him.
STEVE
(friendly)
Hey Jemaine.
JEMAINE
(utter disdain)
Steve.
MURRAY
(to Steve)
And I see you’re a wizard?
Steve laughs, but quickly realizes that Murray is serious.
STEVE
No. No, I’m just dressed like
Gandalf. From Lord of the Rings.
MURRAY
Ahhh. Yes. Excellent. Great
films.
JEMAINE
They’re okay.
STEVE
Yeah once a year we have a sort of
convention over at the Marriott
Hotel.
BRET
Steve offered to let us play it.
MURRAY
A gig? That’s great! When?
STEVE
Friday night.
MURRAY
Excellent, we’ll do it.
JEMAINE
Don’t you think that’s something
that we should discuss as a band.
(a beat)
Without Steve.
MURRAY
Don’t be silly, Jemaine, this is a
gig. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Steve stands up.
STEVE
Cool, so I’ll give all the details
to Bret later to pass along. Nice
meeting you Murray.
(a beat)
Jemaine.
Jemaine rolls his eyes.
BRET AND MURRAY

Bye.
Steve exits.
MURRAY
(Notating the event)
Right. “Murray secures gig, at
10:55.”
BRET
Actually Murray I sort of got the
gig.
MURRAY
Yeah, well, yes, but I’m the band
manager so for arguments sake we’ll
just say I got it.
(a beat/excited)
All in all, best band meeting ever.
Right guys?
Bret nods enthusiastically in approval. Jemaine looks

utterly disgusted.
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - LATER
Jemaine and Bret are both in the bathroom. Bret is sitting

on a chair with his back to CAMERA. Jemaine holds a painting
palette and uses a small brush to paint Bret’s face. He
doesn’t seem convinced by his work.
JEMAINE
I don’t think this is going to work
Bret.
BRET
Of course it is. How’s it look?
JEMAINE
It’s not my best work, but it’ll
do.
PHONE RINGS.
REVEAL: Bret turns towards the sound of the phone and we see
that his face has been painted to look exactly like that of a
tigers. It looks professionally done.
Jemaine puts down the palette and brush and exits. A few
seconds later he enters again and looks annoyed.
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
(handing him phone)
It’s Steve.
Bret takes phone.
BRET
(into phone)
Oh hey man. Yeah yeah.
(laughs a lot)
Yeah sounds good. Can Jemaine
come? Oh come on please. Cool.
B--
He abruptly holds the phone away from him.
BRET (CONT'D)
Did you ever notice how no one ever
says bye?
He shrugs it off
BRET (CONT'D)
(to Jemaine)
You want to get some food?
JEMAINE
With Steve?
BRET
Yeah.
JEMAINE
Not really.
BRET
He’s buying.
JEMAINE
(sighs)
Fine. I guess.
Bret gets up and goes over to the sink and begins washing off
the tiger mask. Jemaine looks absolutely distraught at the
destruction of his work.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
Bret, Steve and Jemaine sit at a table and finish up their

lunches. Bret and Steve laugh about something. Jemaine
looks uncomfortable.
STEVE
So, Jemaine, what have you been up
to?
JEMAINE
(angry)
Well I haven’t been stealing girls
from Bret if that’s what you’re
asking.
STEVE
That’ not what I’m asking.
BRET
What about Sally?
JEMAINE
I thought we said that didn’t count
because you weren’t really going
out with her at the time.
BRET
I never said that.
JEMAINE
Oh. I must’ve just imagined that
then.
STEVE
Are you telling me your still mad
about Kelly?
JEMAINE
Well you knew I was trying to get
with her at your party, and then
you came in and wound up going home
with her.
BRET
Yeah but to be fair it was his
girlfriend you were trying to get
with.
JEMAINE
Fine take his side.
STEVE
Come on all this was ages ago. I
don’t even see Kelly anymore.
JEMAINE
Well what good’s that now that I’m
in New York.
(a beat)
Can I have her number?
BRET
You guys ready to get out of here?
JEMAINE
I still have some sou --
STEVE
Yeah let’s go.
Bret and Steve get up and walk OFF SCREEN. Jemaine looks
miserably at his soup, reluctantly puts his spoon down, and
then joins them.
CUT TO:
AROUND NEW YORK CITY - MONTAGE
Bret and Steve cycle around the city streets, laughing, while
Jemaine jogs behind and struggles to keep up.
Bret and Steve in the park play an animated game of frisbee

complete with horribly executed trick catches.
Jemaine sits on a park bench alone. He tries to feed a

pigeon but it flies off away from him. He sighs.
EXT. PARK - SAME TIME
Jemaine walks up to Bret and Steve, who’ve just high-fived

their frisbee skills.
JEMAINE
I think I’m gonna go home.
STEVE
Aww why? We’re having a good time.
JEMAINE
Sometimes when I play frisbee I
lose confidence.
BRET
You haven’t played yet.
JEMAINE
It happens when I watch it too.
STEVE
Come on stay a bit.
JEMAINE
Nah I’m gonna go.
(a beat/”Are you ready?”)
Bret.
BRET
Yeah?
JEMAINE
Aren’t you coming?
BRET
Uh, no I was gonna stay.
JEMAINE
(a beat/disappointed)
Oh. Okay then.
Jemaine turns and walks away.
BRET
(calling after)
I’ll see you at home then?
He merely offers a half hearted wave in response, not even

turning to look at Bret. For a moment Bret seems
disheartened but then...
STEVE
Hey Bret, go long.
Excitement rushes through him and Bret goes charging OFF

SCREEN. Steve waits a few moments and then tosses the
frisbee after him.
INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER
Jemaine sits on the couch and strums his guitar. Bret enters
dressed in full Legolas gear complete with bow and arrows.
JEMAINE
What is that?
BRET
It’s my costume for the gig. I got
you one too.
JEMAINE
(excited)
Really?
BRET
Yeah but all they had in your size
was Gimli.
JEMAINE
(not so excited)
They didn’t have anything bigger
than dwarf.
BRET
Sorry man.
JEMAINE
Yeah well I’ll just wear my regular
clothes.
BRET
You can’t do that. You have to
dress the part.
JEMAINE
You know maybe you shouldn’t have
bought those. We might not even
play. Murray hasn’t worked out the
details with --
BRET
Yeah he has. We just came from
there.
JEMAINE
(not at all happy)
That’s...
Jemaine tapers off into an inaudible mumble.
BRET
I know. The only way we won’t play
now is if the convention gets
cancelled.
Bret walks OFF SCREEN into the bedroom.
JEMAINE
(malicious)
Yes. That is the only way isn’t
it.
With a flash he is up and out of the apartment.
INT. MARRIOTT HOTEL LOBBY - LATER
The FEMALE CONCIERGE finishes up with a customer at the front

desk. As the MAN she’s helping walks away, Jemaine comes
into frame and approaches her.
The Concierge speaks so overtly polite that it can only be

contrived.
CONCIERGE
Yes can I help you?
JEMAINE
Yes. There is a convention here I
believe this Friday.
CONCIERGE
Yes there is. Will you be
attending or --
JEMAINE
I would like to cancel it please.
CONCIERGE
(politeness falters)
Excuse me.
JEMAINE
I said I’d like to -- you didn’t
hear that?
CONCIERGE
You can’t just cancel it.
JEMAINE
Why not?
CONCIERGE
Because you’re not hosting it.
JEMAINE
Oh but the host is Steve. He’s
never gonna cancel it.
CONCIERGE
(nodding)
Yeah.
JEMAINE
(being “suave”)
What do you say we discuss this
over a couple of sparkling waters?
CONCIERGE
Are you trying to woo me with
seltzer?
JEMAINE
Not seltzer --
CONCIERGE
Listen Costello, I’ve been here for
eight nights straight and the last
thing I need is this conversation,
so I’m going to have to ask you to
leave.
JEMAINE
(downhearted)
Ok.
(a beat)
Maybe a movie then?
CONCIERGE
Next!
Jermaine exits, defeated.

“THURSDAY”
CUT TO:
INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Bret laces up his sneaker. Behind him, next to the door, are
a small group of haphazard looking arrows that have been
plainly shot into the wall. A jacket hangs from one.
BRET
Did you know that Lord of the Rings
brought in hundreds of millions of
dollars to New Zealand’s economy,
as well as boosted interest and
tourism in a country mostly
overshadowed by the Australian
juggernaut?
Jermaine walks out of the bathroom, toothbrush still in his

mouth.
JEMAINE
Yeah, well... that’s... I don’t
think you’re right.
He walks back into the bathroom. After a moment he comes

back out into the living room, sans toothbrush.
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
Where are you going anyway?
BRET
To make flyers for the gig with
Steve.
JEMAINE
You’ve been hanging out an awful
lot with Steve lately.
BRET
Do you want to come?
JEMAINE
No. It sounds really boring.
(a beat)
When?
BRET
Now. You sure you don’t want to
come?
JEMAINE
No. I’ll have much more fun here.
BRET
All right. Well I’ll see you
later.
JEMAINE
(curtly)
Bye.
Bret shrugs his shoulders as if to say “all right” and

leaves, grabbing his coat off one of the arrows as he does.
Jemaine sits down on the couch and stares out into space,
infinitely bored.
“TEN HOURS LATER”
INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Jemaine remains in exactly the same position as before having

not moved in ten hours.
Bret enters and Jemaine rises from the couch in a huff.
BRET
Hey man.
JEMAINE
Where have you been?
BRET
Steve and I went and got dinner.
JEMAINE
I like dinner.
BRET
I didn’t think you’d want to come.
JEMAINE
(missed cutting him off)
No you didn’t think.
There is an awkward pause here as both reflect on how that

kind of didn’t make sense.
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
I think this Steve is a bad
influence on you.
(MORE)
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
Before you started hanging out with
him all the time, you remembered
that I liked dinner.
BRET
Look man I’ll make it up to you.
We’ll get dinner tomorrow night
after the gig.
JEMAINE
(to himself)
If there is a gig.
BRET
What?
JEMAINE
Nothing. I’m going to bed.
Jemaine goes to their bedroom door and slams it shut.
A FEW BEATS ON BRET before he enters the same room.
“FRIDAY”
CUT TO:
INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - MORNING
Bret stretches and yawns as he enters.
BRET
Jemaine?
No answer. He spots a note on the table and picks it up and

reads.
JEMAINE (V.O.)
Bret. By the time you read this I
will be gone.
(a dramatic beat)
I had to do laundry and get
breakfast, or as I now call it
Morning Dinner. I’m writing this
to tell you that I’m ditching you
because I’m mad at you, but I
wanted to let you know so you
didn’t worry I’d been kidnapped or
something.
(a beat)
Also I have your whites.
Bret looks up from the note. He’s worried.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - LATER
Bret walks with a morose demeanor through the park.
ANGLE ON: MEL
She hides behind a tree a little up ahead of Bret’s path as

he draws closer. When he’s right on top of her, she jumps
out into his path and startles him.
MEL
Oh hey Bret. That’s weird running
into you here... casually.
BRET
Yeah, it is weird, Mel.
MEL
(over excitement)
So big gig tonight. I’m so psyched
I told everyone I know. Doug will
be there. What about you guys are
you guys psyched?
BRET
Well I’m not really sure there’s
gonna be a gig.
MEL
What!
BRET
Yeah. I think Jemaine’s mad at me.
I don’t know if he’s gonna show up.
MEL
Why do you think he’s mad at you?
BRET
Because he said he was mad at me.
(a beat)
He thinks I’m spending too much
time with Steve.
MEL
Your really attractive friend from
New Zealand, with dark hair, and
blue eyes who likes to read some of
“The Two Towers” every night before
bed and...
She trails off here and gets lost in her own erotic fantasy
of Steve for a moment before snapping out of it.
MEL (CONT'D)
(muttering to herself)
No Mel! He’s not a Conchord, he’s
not a --
BRET
(creeped out)
Yeah. Him.
MEL
Well you guys can’t cancel. We
need to find Jemaine.
BRET
I tried. He wasn’t at the laundry-
mat so I checked all his usual
spots, but Dave hadn’t seen him
either.
MEL
Come on. I may know a few more
spots he could be.
She takes him by the hand, relishing it for a moment, and

then she leads him OFF SCREEN.
INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER
Jemaine sits on the couch as if it’s a throne, and stares at

the door waiting patiently. He holds a cord in his hand.
There is a KNOCK AT THE DOOR and Steve enters. He seems

taken aback by Jemaine’s current stature.
STEVE
Hey Jemaine.
Jemaine tries to sound more powerful when he speaks.
JEMAINE
(like Sauroman)
Ah, Steve, my old friend.
(a beat)
I like your shirt.
STEVE
Uh, thanks. Is Bret around, he
asked me to stop by --
JEMAINE
That, I’m afraid was not Bret.
(a beat)
It was me.
Jemaine tugs the end of the cord hard and the door to the
apartment swings even further open, slams against the wall,
and falls off it’s hinges.
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
That wasn’t supposed to happen,
that was --
He gets up and goes over to the door and looks at where he

tied the string.
JEMAINE (CONT'D)
See I was supposed to pull it and
then it would’ve shut and you
would’ve been like “Ohhhh how’d he
do that, I’m scared and stuff.”
STEVE
I wouldn’t have said that.
JEMAINE
Yeah but you’d be thinking it. I
was just saying what you’d be
thinking and --
STEVE
Why’d you call me Jemaine?
JEMAINE
Hold on a sec.
STEVE
(accusatory)
The concierge at the Marriott told
me someone stopped by and tried to
cancel my convention. You wouldn’t
know anything about that would you?
Jemaine lifts the door and painstakingly rests it back into

place. He looks back at Steve, who returns his gaze with a
look that says, “Well?”
JEMAINE
Yes, well, the jig is up I suppose.
I’m putting a stop to this
convention of yours.
STEVE
And how are you planning on doing
that?
JEMAINE
(a beat)
I’m not sure yet. I haven’t really
recovered from my first attempt
yet.
STEVE
This is insane. I’m leaving.
JEMAINE
Oh come on, I just got the door
back up.
Before Steve can reach the door to exit, Bret enters.
BRET
(as coming in/to Mel)
I can’t believe I didn’t think to
look here --
The door falls to the floor and Bret falls down with it.
MEL
Oh my Gosh, Bret are you all right?
BRET
What happened to the door?
STEVE
Ask insane Jemaine.
JEMAINE
Ohhh what are you some sort of poet
now?
BRET
What’s going on here?
STEVE
Jemaine’s trying to sabotage the
convention. He want’s to screw up
your gig.
Mel looks accosted.
BRET
Is this true?
Jemaine looks away ashamed.
MEL
Why Jemaine? Why?!?
A FEW BEATS as Jemaine tries to fight back what he wants to

say.
JEMAINE
Because I hate the Lord of the
Rings!
There is a COLLECTIVE GASP.
BRET
That’s not possible.
JEMAINE
It’s true.
(a beat)
I hated it in New Zealand when all
those people were dressed as elves
and dwarves and --
BRET
Those were actors Jemaine. They
were in the films.
JEMAINE
(ignoring him)
And now the same thing’s happening
here.
BRET
You’re acting a little funny man.
JEMAINE
Is that what Steve’s been telling
you?
STEVE
(aggravated)
I’ve got to go set up. Bret call
and let me know what’s going on.
Steve exits.
All three stare at Jemaine shaking their heads.
CUT TO:
INT. MURRAY’S OFFICE - LATER
Jemaine, Bret, and Mel are all crammed into Murray’s tiny
office. Murray looks livid.
MURRAY
Despicable behavior Jemaine. An
emergency band meeting on the day
of a gig. That’s just unheard of.
(a beat)
And what’s all this nonsense about
you not liking Lord of the Rings?
They’re great films. What sort of
self respecting New Zealander
doesn’t like Lord of the Rings?
JEMAINE
I’m not self respecting.
MURRAY
Moot point.
BRET
I think you mean match point.
MURRAY
No I mean moot point. Moot?
Bret shakes his head. He has no idea what Murray’s talking

about.
MURRAY (CONT'D)
Inconsequential?
BRET
Oh, yeah, yeah, your ways right.
MURRAY
I’m just absolutely livid with you
Jemaine. Trying to ruin a gig
because you don’t like the greatest
motion picture trilogy of all time.
JEMAINE
What about Star Wars? Or the new
Star Wars..es.
MEL
If I may interject.
Jemaine rolls his eyes.
MURRAY
Don’t roll your eyes. She’s your
number one fan, this affects her
too. Probably more than you.
MEL
I think Jemaine’s desire to
sabotage tonight’s gig is more a
reaction to Bret spending time with
Steve than to his dislike for Lord
of the Rings. I think that he’s
misinterpreting Bret and Steve’s
friendship as a threat to his own
friendship with Bret, and fears
playing the gig will only further
perpetuate the problem.
MURRAY
Very insightful Mel.
(a beat)
But wrong. No I suspect this is
Jemaine just being the rockstar
that he is. Acting out, ruffling a
few feathers. “It’s my way or the
highway,” right Jemaine?
(a beat)
Wrong. Very wrong. So Jemaine I’m
afraid it’s either play the gig or
I’ll have to suspend you from the
band for... let’s see... three
days. Yes that seems fair.
JEMAINE
You won’t have to suspend me
Murray. I’m quitting.
Bret and Mel AD LIB their response.
MURRAY
What? You can’t quit the band. I
thought Bret was supposed to be the
drama Queen.
BRET
I’m not a drama queen.
JEMAINE
Stop trying to convince me to
change my mind. The decision’s
final.
BRET
Oh come on Jemaine. Don’t quit the
band. We need you. We can’t play
the gig without you.
Jemaine stands up, takes a deep breath for strength and walks
out the door. Bret and Mel watch him go and then turn to
Murray for some sign of what to do next.
MURRAY
(proudly)
There goes one hell of a rockstar.
END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE
EXT. NYC STREET - LATER
Bret, looking worse for wear, and Mel walk and talk.
BRET
It’s over. That’s the second dream
of mine this week Jemaine has
crushed. I suppose I should just
turn it in then. Quit the band, do
something less strenuous then the
daily grind of the novelty music
scene.
(a beat)
I guess it’s time, I’ve given up
the dream.
Mel slaps him across the face completely blind-siding him.
BRET (CONT'D)
Mel!
MEL
Snap out of it Bret. Did you ever
stop and think what the world would
be like without Flight of the
Conchords? Do you really want the
terrorists to win?
BRET
I’m not sure I follow.
MEL
You can’t give up on your dream. I
mean what would happen if I gave up
on my dreams?
Bret shakes his head.
MEL (CONT'D)
I’d be a happily married woman,
that’s what. You can do this Bret,
without Jemaine if you have to.
Now let’s rally the troops and keep
the dream alive.
A new vigor rises in Bret’s gut.
BRET
Yeah. You’re right Mel. Let’s
rally the troops.
MEL
That’s the spirit.
BRET
Should we start with Jemaine.
CUT TO:
INT. MURRAY’S OFFICE - SOMETIME LATER
Murray’s office is cramped with even more people making it

difficult for anyone to move. Present are, Dave, Steve, Mel,
Doug, and of course Bret and Murray.
MURRAY
Well Bret? What was so important
that we had to cram in here like a
can of sardines? Which
incidentally is not, um, going
unnoticed by my superiors so if you
could just get on with it.
BRET
Yeah of course. First I just want
to say thank you everyone for
coming.
MURRAY
(to himself)
Oh not a speech.
He gazes apprehensively towards the door.
BRET
I know that things are looking down
for the Conchords at the moment,
but I think we can turn this all
around. We’ve only got a few more
hours, but with a little help from
all of you, I think we can do this.
We can still play the gig.
MURRAY
Bret don’t be insane. We can’t
play with only half the band. We
don’t even have time to hold
tryouts for a new Jemaine.
BRET
Jemaine played a gig once with only
a tape of me.
MURRAY
Yeah but that was different.
Everyone knows Jemaine is the front
man. He’s got the stage presence,
and the sex appeal. All you’ve got
is a beard.
BRET
I can be the front man Murray.
Murray doesn’t look convinced, nor does most of the group.

Then Mel stands up.
MEL
You have my support.
She nudges Doug and he stands.
DOUG
Uh, yeah mine too.
Steve starts nodding now, and hops on board the gig train.
STEVE
(rising)
You have my venue.
DAVE
And my car.
All turn to Murray. He eyes the room briefly. Then slams

his hand on the desk in excitement and gets up.
MURRAY
And my managerial skills.
Bret gives him a smile.
JEMAINE (O.S.)
And you have my guitar.
All turn towards the entrance.
REVEAL Jemaine framed in the doorway staring at Bret across

the crowd. They have a Frodo and Samwise slightly homoerotic
moment of adoration, before Jemaine starts to painstakingly
make his way towards the desk.
When he reaches there...
BRET
(smiling)
Back in the band?
JEMAINE
Back in the band.
MURRAY
Well it’s all settled then.
(a beat)
To the gig!
JEMAINE
Well we don’t really have to go now
we’ve still got a few more hours.
CUT TO:
INT. MARRIOTT BALLROOM - NIGHT
Bret and Jemaine stand off to the side of the dance floor,
dressed as Legolas and Gimli.
A woman dressed as a random elf talks animatedly to an

annoyed Jemaine.
WOMAN
So you’ve never been to Hobbiton?
JEMAINE
No.
WOMAN
But you said you from New Zealand.
Isn’t that where Hobbiton is?
JEMAINE
No you’re thinking of Middle Earth.
Steve takes the microphone.
STEVE
Ladies and gentlemen, elves and
kings, wizards and dwarves. It is
with my great pleasure to introduce
to you...
(he looks at Jemaine)
My friends.
Jemaine nods back in approval.
STEVE (CONT'D)
The Flight of the Conchords.
The room is filled with mutterings of, “Who?” “Flight of the

what?” They take their place in front of the audience.
BRET
Thank you.
He looks at Jemaine and on the count of three they begin to

play their song “Frodo.” At the first strum of the guitar we
are instantly transported to a Tolkien-esque music video,
with the guys traipsing across the terrain of Middle Earth,
playing various characters along the way.
The song concludes with Jemaine spouting out...
JEMAINE
(Gandalf impression)
I’m alright. I was saved by a
giant eagle. Caa, caa, caa.
The crowd bursts into applause at the appropriately themed

song. Even Jemaine can’t help smiling at the success. Bret
leans away from the microphone as the applause continues.
BRET
(whispering)
Hey Jemaine. What made you change
your mind about tonight?
JEMAINE
Well I’ll realized that I was being
stupid.
(a beat)
And that I’m really broke.
BRET
Yeah, but this was just a favor for
Steve. We’re not getting paid.
JEMAINE
What!?!
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT THREE

TAG
INT. MARRIOTT BALLROOM - LATER
Bret and Jemaine’s set is over and they are hanging out off
to the side when Mel approaches dressed as Arwen.
MEL
Oh hey guys.
BRET AND JEMAINE

Hey Mel.
MEL
Awesome show. Really awesome.
BRET
Thanks.
MEL
So I just wanted to let you know I
was going to have a little after
party at my place.
(becomes creepier)
We can hang out, in costume, and
see where the night takes us --
BRET
Won’t that be uncomfortable for
Doug?
JEMAINE
And us.
MEL
(suggestively)
Only if you want it to be.
Bret and Jemaine are creeped out.
BRET
Uh, no Mel I think we’re just gonna
head home.
JEMAINE
Yeah we’re really tired.
MEL
All right. Another time. I’ll
keep this costume just in case.
She laughs in her creepy manner and walks away.

A FEW BEATS ON THE GUYS who despite not going back to her
place, still look very, very, uncomfortable.
END OF EPISODE

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Flight of the Conchords

(Based on, If Any)

EXT. NYC CITY STREET - AFTERNOON

Bret thinks for a moment.

They reach the entrance to Dave’s shop, and watch as a SMALL

A smile etches widely across Bret’s face.

CLOSE ON JEMAINE. His eyes are wide and fearful.

Jemaine keeps running and offers no answer.

INT. DAVE’S SHOP - MOMENTS LATER

Dave stands behind the counter, counting a wad of cash. He

Dave hands it to him. Bret looks at it curiously.

Bret stares at him for a moment nonplussed.

Dave nods knowingly.

EXT. NEW ZEALAND EMBASSY - DAY

INT. MURRAY’S OFFICE - SAME TIME

Murray sits across from Jemaine. Bret is not there.

Jemaine averts his gaze.

Murray leans in towards Jemaine to whisper but it is

Jemaine nods in approval, and both smile and Murray’s

Bret and Steve share a glance.

Murray gives him a stern look.

Murray shakes his hand. Steve leans so that Jemaine is forced

Steve laughs, but quickly realizes that Murray is serious.

Steve stands up.

Jemaine rolls his eyes.

BRET AND MURRAY

Bret nods enthusiastically in approval. Jemaine looks

END OF ACT ONE

INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - LATER

Jemaine and Bret are both in the bathroom. Bret is sitting

Bret takes phone.

He abruptly holds the phone away from him.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER

Bret, Steve and Jemaine sit at a table and finish up their

AROUND NEW YORK CITY - MONTAGE

Bret and Steve in the park play an animated game of frisbee

Jemaine sits on a park bench alone. He tries to feed a

EXT. PARK - SAME TIME

Jemaine walks up to Bret and Steve, who’ve just high-fived

Jemaine turns and walks away.

He merely offers a half hearted wave in response, not even

Excitement rushes through him and Bret goes charging OFF

INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Jemaine tapers off into an inaudible mumble.

Bret walks OFF SCREEN into the bedroom.

With a flash he is up and out of the apartment.

INT. MARRIOTT HOTEL LOBBY - LATER

The FEMALE CONCIERGE finishes up with a customer at the front

The Concierge speaks so overtly polite that it can only be

Jermaine exits, defeated.

INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Jermaine walks out of the bathroom, toothbrush still in his

He walks back into the bathroom. After a moment he comes

Bret shrugs his shoulders as if to say “all right” and

“TEN HOURS LATER”

INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jemaine remains in exactly the same position as before having

Bret enters and Jemaine rises from the couch in a huff.

There is an awkward pause here as both reflect on how that

Jemaine goes to their bedroom door and slams it shut.

A FEW BEATS ON BRET before he enters the same room.

INT. BRET AND JEMAINE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - MORNING