CHAPTER EIGHT

“A Sorcerer!? You!? I’ve seen better charms

on a bracelet!!”
STELLA
WIFE OF SILAS THE SORCERER

PART ONE
A couple of miles outside a small village on the planet Clumzy, a slightly d
ilapidated cottage nestled at the foot of some gently sloping hills. There was a
broad grassy field in front of the cottage bordered on two sides by a thick for
est and on the other by a meandering splashing, stream.
Given the cottage’s location and seclusion it would have been easy to imagin
e that a quiet peaceful live was enjoyed by whoever lived there. Given the owner
’s nationality and profession however, the opposite was usually the case.
Inside the cottage in the small front room, Silas the Sorcerer was at work.
Due more to the auspices of good fortune rather than anything attributable to hi
mself, Silas had reached middle-age but it was a tired middle-age. Deep lines fu
rrowed his brow, his black hair was turning grey and round his waist, fat had lo
ng since replaced muscle.
In keeping with the style of his chosen profession Silas was wearing a long,
wide-sleeved robe and a peaked cap, both of which were decorated with tradition
al Sorcerer’s symbols.
On the stone floor of the room he had drawn a large crude star and had place
d lighted candles at each of its six points. Just beneath the top point and acti
ng as a sacrifice lay a recently killed black rat.
Silas was about to attempt to invoke the Spirits to provide him with an elix
ir which would solve the chronic constipation problem of his wife’s mother. To a
competent Sorcerer it would have been an easy task. To Silas it was a difficult
and complicated ritual.
He knelt down inside the star, bowed his head, stretched out his arms and st
arted his muttering incantation.
“Oh thou most revered of Spirits,” he began, “the mighty Lord Mazumbara, who
se powers stretch beyond the grave, I call upon thee to provide your humble serv
ant with an elixir which…which…” he broke off and sniffed several times.
Ah good! He could smell something burning. According to his texts the small
of burning often indicated the nearness of the Spirits. Encouraged, he closed ey
es and resumed his incantation.
“I heartily call on thee, oh Spirit Mazumbara, to provide an elixir for your
most devoted servant and accept this offering of a black rat in return. Lord Ma
zumbara, whose power defies all…all…” he broke of again and sniffed some more.
The small of burning was growing even stronger! He could almost feel the hea
t as well! The elusive carrot of success dangling just in front of him, Silas cl
osed his eyes and concentrated even harder.
“Oh mighty Lord Mazumbara, greatest of all Spirits, accept this humble offer
ing and in return provide your most devoted servant…your most devoted…your AAARR
GGHH!!” he screamed, opening his eyes and discovering both of his sleeves on fir
e.
Unsuccessfully he tried to blow them out but they were too well caught. He j
umped up and started beating them against his thighs but his foot got tangled in
his long robe and he stumbled forward, knocking over the top candle which rolle
d across to the window and immediately set the curtains on fire.
As Silas was beating at the new flames a mist began forming in the centre of
the six-pointed star. Due to the fact that Silas was one of the worst Sorcerers
on Clumzy he had used the wrong offering and incantation and instead of invokin
g an anti-constipation elixir, he had invoked a mischievous Spirit called Zall.
 The mist solidified and Zall took shape – a four foot high, semi-human creat
ure with a shock of black hair and an expression of permanent surprise on his fa
ce.
He watched Silas with interest then grinned maliciously. He picked up one of
the candles, crept forward and set the bottom of his robe on fire then retired
to a corner to watch the fun.
Just then the door opened and Stella, the long suffering wife of Silas, came
in. She was a small fat woman and was wearing a scruffy black robe. Her hair wa
s greying and her once semi-attractive face was now lined and wrinkled.
“Hilda!” she was shouting as she came in. “Cooee, Hilda!...You useless basta
rd!” she yelled, seeing the flames.
She rushed back out and returned moments later with a bucket of water which
she threw over Silas and the flames.
“You useless prat!” she screeched. “What the hell happened?!”
“Something must have gone wrong during the spell,” muttered a puzzled, smoki
ng Silas, brushing at his still smouldering sleeves.
“Gone wrong!?” scoffed Stella. “When does it ever go right? Call yourself a
Sorcerer – you couldn’t disappear up your own arse!”
“Yes dear,” muttered Silas, hauling himself to his feet and replacing his pe
aked cap.
“Oh my curtains!” moaned Stella and rushed over to examine them. “Look at th
e state these are in and we haven’t even paid for them yet. When are you going t
o get a proper job?” she nagged. “I’m fed up with all this scrimping and saving.
I can’t remember the last time I had a decent holiday. The Korabs are off to Ma
rs again and what do I get? Stuck in this bloody cesspit with you!”
A strange looking animal wandered in through the open door. It resembled a c
ow but was thinner and had black and white horizontal stripes.
“And look at that!” Stella ranted on, throwing the bucket at it. “I asked yo
u to invoke a cow and what do I get? That thing! Call that a cow? It’s the only
milk I’ve ever seen with black and white stripes in it!”
“Oh we all make mistakes,” Silas said lamely.
“Yeah but you make them all the bloody time!” screeched Stella.
“Well what about him?” Silas asked, nodding at a crib in the opposite corner
of the room.
In the crib a jet black baby gurgled away happily to itself.
“Oh that!” muttered Stella, wringing her hands uncomfortably. “Well…you were
away.”
From his hiding place behind the open door Zall continued to peep out now an
d then, waiting for the right moment so he could create more havoc.
“What the hell’s this you’ve been scrawling on the floor?” Stella went on, g
lancing at the large six-pointed star. Then she caught sight of the dead black r
at. “Aw Hilda!” she wailed, picking it up. “Aw she’s dead! The best friend I eve
r had and she’s dead!” She glared at Silas. “Was it you!?” she screeched. “Did y
ou kill her!?”
“It wasn’t me, dear,” Silas said quickly, shaking his head vigorously and tr
ying to look innocent. “First I’ve seen it.”
“If I find out it was you,” Stella ranted, waving Hilda in his face, “there
won’t be any nooky for you this year.”
Silas shrugged resignedly. “Be a bit like last year then won’t it?” he mutte
red.
“Did you say something?” Stella asked, looking suspiciously at him.
“No dear,” Silas replied. “I was just clearing my throat.”
Behind them, Zall crept forward and groped Stella’s lumpy rear. She screamed
, whirled round and smacked him across the head with Hilda. Zall recoiled then c
hanged back into a mist and floated away out the door.
Stella turned back to Silas. “Wipe that bloody smile off your face,” she sna
pped. “I suppose that was another one of your spells. Well get rid of it. The pl
ace is bad enough without that pervert hanging around.”
Before Silas had a chance to reply there was a thumping on the ceiling.
“Oh that’ll be Mother wanting her supper,” Stella moaned, glancing upwards.
“I don’t know, it’s just work, work, work round here all the time.” An idea occu
rred to her and she looked at Hilda then back up at the ceiling. “Wonder if Moth
er likes stew?” she muttered to herself.
PART TWO
“It’s all right for you,” panted Giraffe, “you can just drift along. With my
little legs I have to run to keep up.”
“Come on,” rasped Kharg, “we’re almost there.” Reaching into his robe he wit
hdrew a small directional scanner. He flicked it on and checked the numbers unde
r the red arrow. “The co-ordinates from the Krystals lead to somewhere in there,
” he rasped, pointing at a dilapidated cottage a short distance across a field.
“Let’s go.”
Kharg and Giraffe had followed the co-ordinates from the Krystals across spa
ce and had landed on a quiet area of Clumzy an hour ago. Kharg was now about to
seek out the next clue in his quest for the mysterious substance which would all
ow him to destroy Earth and rule the Universe.
Followed by a puffing Giraffe, Kharg drifted across the grassy field and up
the winding path to the cottage. As Giraffe leaned gratefully against the wall a
nd caught his breath, Kharg rapped on the door.
A harassed Stella answered. She took one look at Kharg with his domed hairle
ss head, glittering yellow eyes and long flowing dark blue robe then turned away
. “It’s some weirdo for you, Silas!” she yelled.
Still brushing at the burned patches on his robe, Silas came to the door. “E
vening gents,” he said, smiling. “What can I do for you?”
“I wonder if you might have a room to rent?” rasped Kharg.
Silas shook his head. “Sorry, we’re a bit crowded in here as it is,” he said
apologetically.
“I’ll pay well,” Kharg told him.
“Show the gentleman in!” yelled Stella.
Silas shrugged and held the door open for Kharg and Giraffe.
“How long d’you want it for?” asked Stella. “Course we’ll have to charge you
double if your son’s staying,” she added, seeing Giraffe.
Giraffe glared at her from under his top hat.
“I have some business to attend to in this area,” rasped Kharg. “We would be
here perhaps for a few days.”
“All right. I’m just going up,” Stella said. “I’ll show you the room.” She p
laced a bowl of steaming, dark brown liquid on a tray and shoved the tray into K
harg’s hands. “Take that for me, will you?” she said, removing a rat’s tail from
the bowl. “I’m just taking Mother her supper.”
Kharg glanced in irritation at the tray then he and Giraffe reluctantly foll
owed her up some rickety stairs and along a short dingy passage.
“In here,” she said, opening the door.
Propped up in a large double bed in the centre of the room was an ancient cr
one – Stella’s mother. She was wearing a floppy nightcap and a voluminous flanne
l nightgown. As soon as she saw them she lifted a huge brass ear trumpet to her
head.
“Is he the doctor?” she asked, seeing Kharg. “What? What?”
“No it isn’t the doctor!” Stella shouted to her. “It’s the new lodger and hi
s son.”
“The doctor’s lodging with us?” her mother asked. “Hasn’t he got a place of
his own?”
Kharg drifted over and set the tray down on the bed.
“It’s me bowels,” Stella’s mother told him, grabbing his arm. “They’ve been
bunged up for weeks.”
Kharg’s face wrinkled in disgust and Giraffe sniggered in the background.
“Eat your supper,” Stella told her. “It’s a nice stew.”
“Eh? What?” her mother asked, moving the ear trumpet round to try and catch
what was said.
“Eat your stew!” Stella shouted into it.
 “I have not!” her mother replied indignantly. “Me hot water bottle burst.”
“Oh shut up,” Stella told her.
“Eh? Eh? What?”
“Ignore her,” Stella said to Kharg. “Well, d’you like the room?”
“I haven’t seen it yet,” rasped Kharg in irritation.
“This is it,” explained Stella. “You don’t mind sleeping with Mother, do you
? She won’t bother you…you know. Not at her age.”
“I need something on the ground floor,” hissed Kharg.
“This is all there is!” Stella snapped. “The only other room downstairs is m
ine and Silas’s. Been there thirty years we have and we’re not moving for you or
anybody else.”
Kharg reached into his robe and brought out a diamond. He held it up and it
sparkled brilliantly in the candlelight. “I want a room on the ground floor,” he
repeated. “Would this cover it?”
“Any luggage!?” Stella asked, grabbing the diamond. “Want to move in right a
way!? Give me ten minutes to move our stuff!!”
PART THREE
“Clear away this rubbish,” Kharg rasped to Giraffe, indicating some cheap fu
rniture. “Somewhere below us lies the next clue.”
After Stella had removed her few meagre possessions, Kharg had brought out h
is direction scanner and re-checked the reading. A red square was displayed cont
inually and the figure below it was zero, indicating he was on the exact spot th
at the co-ordinates from the dissolved Krystals had given on Dulcodaz.
Giraffe removed his jacket and top hat and laid them on the bed. He moved as
ide a rickety table and two chairs and cleared the straw away from the floor. Be
neath the straw a layer of dust had gathered and he got down on his hands and kn
ees to brush it away with a rag he’d found.
As he worked his way across the floor he uncovered part of a strange looking
diagram which had been carved into one of the floor’s stone squares. At Kharg’s
insistence he concentrated on it, cleaning away the thick dust which had gather
ed in the lines of the carving.
When he’d finished Kharg drifted over and removed Captain Kork’s Pendant fro
m under his robe and compared it with the elaborate diagram on the floor.
“They match exactly!” he hissed, his yellow eyes glittering. “This must be t
he spot! Stand back!”
Before he could do anything further the door opened and Silas came in. “Coco
a!” he announced, grinning and setting down a tray. He caught sight of the carvi
ng on the floor and whistled in admiration, thinking Kharg had drawn it. “Oh you
’re doing a spell are you?” he asked. “Thought you were a fellow Sorcerer when I
first saw you. Mind if I watch?”
Kharg groaned in exasperation and shook his head. “Stay well back,” he raspe
d.
Silas and Giraffe took their cocoa over to the bed and sat down. Kharg drift
ed back from the centre of the room, closed his eyes and extended his fingers.
“Great!” said Giraffe. “The floor show!”
As they watched, several long blue lines shot out from the tips of Kharg’s f
ingers and fastened themselves onto the points of the carving. Kharg opened his
eyes then slowly raised his hands and with a grating noise, the stone block bega
n to lift.
When it was clear of the floor he moved his hands to the right, shifting the
block and setting it down. He flicked his fingers and the blue lines vanished.
There was now a gaping hole in the floor and the three of them stared at it
expectantly. For a few moments nothing happened then a dull glow began to emanat
e from the hole accompanied by a mild wind which licked its way round the room.
The dull glow gradually became brighter and brighter until it was a shimmeri
ng blinding white and they had to shield their eyes, peering at it through their
fingers.
At the same time the wind increased in strength, hissing and howling, rippin
g the curtains from the window, smashing the rickety table against the wall and
throwing Silas and Giraffe backwards across the bed.
Kharg held his ground, staring at the blinding light through narrowed slits
as the wind whipped his robe around him.
Then from out of the hole a large golden Sphere slowly floated up and hung i
n the air. When it stopped moving, the blinding light died away and the screamin
g wind gathered itself into a column and disappeared into the hole.
Silas and Giraffe crawled back over the bed and stared at the Sphere. It was
still hanging motionless and the glow from it lit up the room in a warm golden
light.
“The second clue in the legend!” hissed Kharg triumphantly. “It will lead me
to the Black Hole and guide me through it!”
He reached out and stroked the Sphere lovingly. As his long tapering fingers
were caressing it, a mist floated in under the door and Zall, the mischievous S
pirit, appeared.
He saw the Sphere, liked the look of it, grabbed it and crashed out the wind
ow.
“The Sphere!” rasped Kharg.
“The window!” wailed Silas.
“The special effects!” said Giraffe.
Outside, Zall raced away from the cottage with the Sphere and half-way acros
s the broad grassy field he dropped it and started kicking it around like a foot
ball, squeaking happily to himself.
He ran along the grass tapping the Sphere in front of him and swerved past a
bush then awarded himself a free kick when one of the opposing team, a large ro
ck, tripped him.
The free quick was quickly taken and Zall passed the Sphere to himself. He r
aced down the wing, easily beating a couple of fence posts and the crowd leapt t
o their feet, roaring.
There was only half a minute to go in this no-scoring Cup Final as Zall bega
n weaving his way towards goal. Only two defenders remained between him and glor
y.
He ran at the first defender, a mound of earth and sold it a beautiful dummy
. The crowd roared him on as he approached the centre back, a large boulder. Zal
l sent the Sphere one way round it and nipped round the other.
The crowd were screaming. Zall collected the Sphere and without breaking his
stride sent a crashing shot towards goal. The Sphere flew past the outstretched
arms of the goalkeeper, a small tree and smacked into the back of the net.
The crowd erupted and Zall ran over to salute them, arms in the air, squeaki
ng with joy. Which is when General Draygo casually stepped out from the edge of
the forest and squeezed off a burst from his stun gun.
Zall dropped in mid-squeak. From Cup Final winning goal scorer to unconsciou
s Spirit inside a second. Such are the caprices of Fate!
Draygo strolled over and picked up the Sphere and examined it. “So this is w
hat Kharg was after?” he muttered. “Why?”
The Mother Ship had followed Kharg across space and the General had beamed d
own to Clumzy just after him with a few troops. They had shadowed him to the cot
tage and waited to see what he was up to and now their patience had been rewarde
d.
Draygo took out a small hand scanner and ran it over the Sphere but nothing
special showed up. Wondering if there was anything inside, he was about to smash
it against a rock when it shot out of his hand and flew into the air.
One of his warriors raised his laser rifle and sighted on it but the General
quickly knocked his weapon aside.
“Don’t fire!” he barked. “I want to see what it does.”
As they watched, the Sphere floated along parallel to the ground then it gat
hered speed and shot diagonally into the sky, zooming higher and higher till the
y lost sight of it.
Draygo took out his Transceiver, flicked it open and contacted the Mother Sh
ip. “There’s a golden Sphere heading up from the planet,” he told his First Offi
cer. “See if you can pick it up on one of the scanners.”
Moments later the First Officer reported back. “We’ve got it, General,” he s
aid.
Draygo’s face creased into an ugly grin. “Where’s it heading?” he asked.
“On its present course, somewhere out into space. It’s just leaving the plan
et’s atmosphere…now!”
“Beam us back and get the ship ready to move,” ordered Draygo. “We’re going
to follow it.”
PART FOUR
Shortly after the Klingers left, Zall came to. Groggily he sat up and looked
round. The crowd were gone, the Sphere was gone and there was no sign of the Cu
p after he’d scored the winning goal. Dejected, he trudged back to the dressing-
room – Silas’s cottage.
Kharg, who had been taken completely by surprise when Zall had stolen the Sp
here, was just on the point of leaving with Giraffe to look for him when a mist
drifted in under the door and he solidified.
He walked over to Silas and started jabbering away to him in a language only
he seemed to understand.
“Where is the Sphere!?” hissed Kharg, his yellow eyes flashing.
Zall jabbered away and Silas translated. “Somebody took it,” he told Kharg.
“Who?”
Silas asked Zall and he was about to relay the answer when a crafty smile cr
ossed his face. “What’s in it for me?” he asked Kharg.
“What do you mean?” Kharg rasped impatiently.
Silas tapped the side of his nose. “I do something for you – you do somethin
g for me,” he said, grinning.
Kharg shook his head. “Anything you wish,” he rasped.
Silas’s eyes lit up. “Anything!?” he asked.
“Anything,” agreed Kharg.
Silas strolled over and whispered a couple of things into his ear. Kharg nod
ded and Silas grinned and gave Zall the ‘thumbs up’.
“Now who took the Sphere?” Kharg rasped.
“Some strange looking men,” Silas told him.
“Describe them.”
Silas listened as Zall jabbered away to him. “Long black hair, black leather
uniforms, really ugly,” he told Kharg.
“Klingers!” hissed Kharg. “The Klingers have the Sphere. Where did they go?”
Hazarding a guess Silas raised a finger to the heavens.
“Space!” rasped Kharg. “They must be following the Sphere! Come Giraffe, we
must get after them!”
“Hold on! Hold on!” said Silas. “What about our bargains?”
“Oh all right,” rasped Kharg.
Silas grinned and waited expectantly, rubbing his hands together.
Kharg sighed wearily then pointed a finger at Zall. There was a blue flash t
hen a silver football Cup appeared in his hands. Zall squeaked with joy and held
the Cup aloft then paraded triumphantly round the room with it.
“Hurry if you wish the second part of your bargain,” Kharg told Silas.
Silas nodded and trotted over to the door. He opened it and cupped a hand to
his mouth. “Oh Stella!” he shouted. “Stella my love!”
Moments later Stella appeared. “What the bleedin hell d’you want?” she asked
, coming into the room. “My floor!” she yelled, seeing the gaping hole. “Look at
the state of my floor! And my window!” she screeched, seeing the torn curtains
and broken glass. “Who did it!? Who did it!? Were you doing one of your spells a
gain!?” she yelled at Silas.
Kharg raised both hands towards her and she was instantly engulfed in a glow
ing purple mist. When it cleared a few moments later Stella was gone and had bee
n replaced by a scantily clad blonde.
She turned to Silas. “Oh Master,” she purred. “Master, I am yours to command
.”
Silas grinned and rubbed his hands together again.
“Come Giraffe,” rasped Kharg as he drifted off. “We must go.”
Giraffe put on his jacket and top hat then wagged a finger at Silas. “You sa
ucy Sorcerer!” he said, grinning at him then he turned and trotted after the Bos
s.