Lilac

i have seen rainbows end where people begin

and ive seen clouds pour themselves out of
existence
grass can grow where a body lies
and a butterfly will survive on the corpse
we are programmed from the day of our birth to
reduce ourselves to "hello's" and "how are you's"
sadness becomes contentedness and a touch means
"i love you"
our monologues are shortened and our vows turn
into "i will not leave"
but how can you leave if you were never here?
i did not know about the freckle on your left butt
cheek until i caressed you underneath the sheets.
and you did not promise your love with a ring you
promised your presence and whether or not that
means something i am not sure
but the night i gushed to you about my father who
thought the sky was falling in
and about my mother who believe being gay was the
unholiest sin
you turned to me and touched my hand and told
me i was not alone but behind your eyes i saw you
were not home
you were away and i'm sure her lips were on your
mind, but i kissed you anyway and told you that you
were mine

i allowed you to stray,

metaphorically or literally it did not matter
i just knew your body was close to mine at night
even if you wished it was closer to hers
but when i woke up and your ring was wrapped
around the paper
all i could feel was your hand touching my shoulder
as you pulled me closer into an addictive embrace
i could hear you breathe the nicotine into my lungs
as you promised one more day
but i could not see you because you were gone
and i was empty
so i will lay in these weeds until i decompose and
flowers finally blossom from my chest and from my
mouth
maybe then i will be beautiful enough to capture
your attention.

UNHOLYVERSES
we are all pointless prophets producing imperfect
propositions.
we are reducing our fears to the pen on paper that
scratches out His name.
we are forgetting the verses that our mothers sang to
us and replacing them with blades.
i've rhymed more words than i can count but i do
not know where this internal library of metaphors
came from.
i would like to think He stocked the shelves and
wrote every book on how to make someone's soul
ache,
but if He cannot make the dark a little less scary
and He cannot make her a little closer how am i
meant to believe that He created my mind.
i am a pointless prophet writing lines that no one
wants to read but my hands won't stop writing.
i have no control over the pencil on this page.
if He has taken over i will allow Him to write of my
sins.
my lungs are filled with water because i have been
20 feet deep in my prayers that he never heard.
perhaps He will cleanse me and empty my lungs
and place me upon the shore.
perhaps my pointlessness is seen only by myself.
perhaps my words can be read to the tune of
millions of hearts beating.
i am a pointless prophet but i am not alone.

Faith
i have written hundreds of poems
i have listened to thousands of songs
i have heard words flow in ways i didnt think
possible
i have seen choruses of people singing in a tune that
no one else can hear.
but when i look at you,
oh, fuck, when i look at you,
there are two angels fucking in heaven somewhere,
and your eyes are their moans,
your lips are their screams,
and your hands are their orgasms.
imagine getting struck by lightning.
twice.
that's what it's like to kiss you,
cause my heart beats like crazy,
and i'm pretty much dead afterwards.
and, okay, listen.
i know we're in love and all, but
are you sure?
do the clouds remind you of the whites of my eyes,
and does the sky make you think of my favorite
color?
have you stuck a fork in an outlet lately cause you
were missing my lips?

i have.
i couldnt really let go.
and yeah, i guess maybe this is an addiction, but
they dont make a rehab for drunken hearts and
stolen souls.
babe, i'd give you the world if it wasnt so fucked up,
and i'd write you a song if enough words rhymed
with "perfect"
but for now i can just give you, like, two dollars in
change and an old sock.
i really suck at gifts.
so let's just kiss until i melt,
cause baby you're hot as fuck,
and ice resides behind my eyes.
i'll hold your hand under the covers so you know
you're not alone anymore,
and if you're afraid of the monsters under the bed
taking you away when your feet hang off the edge,
you can wrap your legs around me,
cause i'm not going anywhere.

Asylum
apologetic apothecaries acquire our aspirations via
doses of aspirin and adrenaline addictions.
apologies are accepted and mistakes are acquitted
as we stand among the masses assembling our
abstract artistic advantages.
awards are given to acknowledge those whose arms
remain attached.
the rest of us await armistice between our
appendages and the animals asking for access to our
wrists.

Reanimation
rivers slice through land like the lines on my wrists
and the gulfs are my emotions that gush into the
oceans better known as my blood
my mind sits atop the highest peak ever seen
and your hands are holding my heart which barely
remains afloat

a man once said to me that every fix is temporary

and every high will drop
but your eyes have kept me stationary for years i
cannot count
and i cannot remember the taste of your shoulder
because trees have sprouted from my tongue
and with every breath they are demolished from the
fires of my lungs

but your lips plant the seeds and your words

nurture them to grow
and though my ears have frozen over from the gusts
of mighty wind

i can hear you whispering, as my soul you try to

mend

there is nothing beautiful about a rotting corpse but

you have reanimated me
and shaped me into something i was not before
the rivers flow still and the oceans ebb till this day
but i am a living creature and your hands do not
stray
please put me back together one boulder at a time
and eventually your hands won't contain a heart;
they will contain mine.

Silent Prayer
after my death how do i know they will not cheer?
given, yes, i will not be here to witness their cheers
but from heaven or hell or somewhere in between i
could probably hear and with that realization from
my damnation i have the ability just to sneer
my passing might be marked with a deserving but
dark mock or jeer
if that's the case then i will not waste a second of my
time
im tired of cowering in the corner waiting for it to
be warmer because these lines are seared to the
back of my mind
so in time as i reach the peak of my design i repeat
these questions to myself and hope not to fall from
this metaphorical shelf i've built my life upon
i feel i may just be a pawn in His game but all the
same i will praise His ever-present name though i
know people like me are the bane of His being
i was scared to believe but it's even scarier to
breathe when your mind is 10ft deep in the sea of
prayers He might not have heard
He begged us not to spew hate but for most of us
it's too late because we used our words to

compensate for the amount of late nights spent

thinking about our death
i would give it a rest but i know if i rest now my eyes
won't open again so as i beg to be free of sin i can
feel a new life pick up and begin where i left off
so this is me dropping all i have to become the man
i could be
my death could be ridiculed but my soul is fueled
by the hearts of those whose prose didnt have
meaning to others

On Letting Go
a list of the things I never told you because you
hated cheesy stuff:
1. I hate kids but I could see you and I in the
suburbs with a minivan.
2. Your eyes didn't remind me of the ocean
anymore because I'm fuckin terrified of water
and your eyes helped me breathe.
3. Your hands were prettier than the ones you
would admire. I wished they were in mine.
4. I would wake up to watch you sleep
sometimes. It helped keep the dark from
taking me away.
5. I had to stop myself from telling you I love
you a hundred times a day. I just liked to
hear you say it back.
6. My favorite dream I ever had was one of you
sleeping on my chest. I could feel your heart
beating with mine.
7. My body didn't seem so disgusting when you
said you loved it.
8. I stopped sleeping with the lights on.
9. Sometimes I would touch my screen when
we were FaceTiming and pretend I was
touching you.
10. Your lips were my favorite part of you. Not
because I wanted to kiss you, but because
they let you form the words I loved so much.

11. I could've spent my whole life listening to

your laugh, even when you wheezed a little.
12. Your mom didn't scare me, really. I was just
afraid she wouldn't like me. I crave approval.
13. I talked to my friends about you nonstop.
14. I would ask someone if something was okay
before I sent it, so you would love it.
15. I meant it when I said I would miss you my
whole life.
16. I won't forget.
17. I will try to let go, but only for you.

Ribs
your skin was paper thin, but the lines upon it didn't
contain your broken words. between the pink scars
you counted calories, and your bones became
sharper than the blades. why cut your skin when
you could cut meals? after all, no one ever
complimented your scars. they loved you now,
more than ever. but what they loved, you did not
know. the dust of your bones weighed more than
your spirit, so when your fingers snapped when they
were between mine, you begged me to squeeze
harder. i wanted to let go but i knew the wind would
take you away from me. i used to kiss your scars
and hold you all night but i can't defeat the
monsters begging you not to take another bite. you
were beautiful then, and you are beautiful now and i
am counting the days like you are counting ribs. we
will grow together, physically or mentally it does not
matter, i will nurture your mind while the food
nurtures your body and eventually the monsters
controlling your teeth will bite off more than they
can chew. they will you go, and i'll be holding onto
you.

Heartless
hearts do not beat in the way they used to before
now the sound of a heart beating coincides with the
sound of a thumb
tap-tap-tapping on the like
like we actually know each other behind these
screens
but these screens separate those hearts that beat for
one another
the best friends who keep their hearts beating for
each other
storms can ruin a day but the thunder rumbling
reminds me of your heartbeat thudding
there are four chambers in the heart but four
hundred people in my thoughts
the love presented by a like will not be enough to
suffice so I apologize
pain is unbearable and the heart is unbeatable
but if you listen closely and look at the stars

you can hear the millions of hearts separated by

thousands of miles
the land and the ocean can keep us apart but they
can't stop the beating of our digital hearts.

Forest Green
for chrissy
you've got a fucking forest in your eyes and your
soul is setting it on fire. and i know your words are
your light through the smoke, so when I see you
burning down all the trees that have kept you alone
for all these years, I know it is for the best.
you've hung ropes from all the branches but your
neck just didn't fit and you were afraid of rope burn,
so when your hands turned red from all your
climbing, you replaced them with stinging eyes.
most people carve their names into the bark but
you carved lines and they didn't quite heal, so as this
tree grew the scars remained. you may see them as
wounds but others see them as memories, they see
a story written between your lines.
the passion of your soul may burn the forest that
resides within your eyes, but there's a stem
connected to your spine and I promise the leaves
growing from your fingertips are painting pictures
that people would pay to see.

Distance
people in relationships are always talking about how
they want to be tangled in the sheets together but i
am always hoping to wake up tangled in the cords of
my earbuds, so i can listen to the sound of you
breathing
these people talk about losing sleep under the
sheets while giving away the physical pieces of
themselves that others have already seen, but i
cannot count the nights i have stayed up, blinded by
my phone screen, giving you my cracked and
broken soul that is completely clean
i do not know how your lips have traversed these
roads before the soles of my feet, but i swear
sometimes after you've said goodnight, i can feel
you kissing away the darkness
i do not know what you taste like but there are
nights in my kitchen alone where i throw things
together and hope that your shoulder tastes the
same
i do not know what you smell like, but ive bought
enough candles to set my house ablaze and since
thats the way you make me feel, i assume it must be
the same

i do not know how you feel but late at night when

the demons under my bed are reaching up for
someone to take, i leave my hand hanging over the
edge, because i swear your hands are the same
these people ask "how can you be in love with
someone who is not actually there?"
and i ask them the same thing.

Strdst
I have spent years attempting to free myself from
my own skin,
and that is evident by the deep scars that line my
wrists
I'm truly sorry for talking about myself nonstop
but the atoms I once shared with the galaxy above
strive to shine once again
who I am now is not who I will be tomorrow
I am forever evolving and becoming the pulsar that
I used to be
please do not be afraid of the electricity that lines
my veins
there's a universe that encompasses my mind
so tell me please what binds me to this useless earth
where paper has somehow found a worth
paper without lines with no words that rhyme or
flow in time
why free myself when nothing is free
as I divide within myself my new cells hate who
they've become and the old ones are glad to be
dead

perhaps being dead means rising again and meeting

old friends in the stardust that blows silently on the
wind
these words do not matter and neither do I but my
matter will someday be above the sky and I..
I will be a beautiful star whose scars no one can see
because my radiating light will forever define me

Lost Dreams
growing up we are always faced with the same
question
what do you want to be when you're older?
typical answers come from typical mouths and
inhabit the same dreams
jimmy really wanted to fight fire and susie always
looked up to the teacher
mike's father was inspiring and marie's mother
saved lives
souls set on a future without a hitch, they devoted
their lives to becoming who they believed to be
heroes
at age 14 jimmy's house erupted into flames that no
water could extinguish
he lost his hope faster than he lost his clothes
in 8th grade susie's teacher told her that her words
had no meaning
her dreams dropped faster than her grades
on graduation day, mike's father took a plunge from
10 stories up
mike was inspired to do the same
and after 3 years of battling, marie's mother saved
every life but her own
marie forgot how to dream with every sorry that she
received.

Empty
i have been drowning for years
attempting to please the one that made me
and this sea that i breathe in is
composed of the sins that i have committed
over the years of my existence
this blasphemy is mine alone
as i cursed his name
in the face of my pain
but all the same,
i promise i did not take it for granted
when you gave me my life
but tell me,
when you said let there be light,
why did my soul not burn bright?
if this land is for your people,
why cast a shadow upon it that is in
the shape of your image?
if hell is below,
then i have sank far enough to reach it.
my lungs no longer work so when i pull the plug
that releases the water from this metaphorical
ocean,
i still cannot breathe.

i have seen the clouds above me,

and i imagine you are just waiting
to remove me from this planet,
but the amount of times
i have seen the sun set would say otherwise
ive become a rotting corpse exempt from all
remorse
i have nothing left to give but god knows im willing
to take
and i will recall every mistake my mortal being ever
made
the two halves of my heart have grown further apart
as the slumber of one deepens
and the other creates art
so as i come to you wearing the clothes
in which i murdered your name,
i'm begging you father,
cleanse me of my sins
before i sink farther
into this sea that i have made.

Me
sixteen years
I spent 16 years becoming the person my mother
wanted me to be
the girl my father knew I could be
the young woman my sister dreamed I would be
one word one thought changed all that I thought I
should be
transgender
sixty years
i will spend 60 years dismantling the thoughts and
fears i have held
my voice will deepen and my muscles will form
a shot a week will take away all remnants of
femininity that i once held
a flat chest will hide a now free heart
hiding was what I was good at
now i am out in the open and I finally feel free
I finally feel like me
a dead name that means nothing will haunt me to
my grave
but my grave will hold my identity
and my soul that was once held captive by a
misused pronoun
will finally be free.

Astronomical
your eyes have galaxies trapped inside them and
your thoughts are lightyears away
and i wish my hands were in your hair cause this
distance is tearing me apart
but you know my soul is composed of the promises
that we've made and your hands are firmly grasping
my heart
so when this blackhole that's removing the light
from my eyes finally steals the remnants of my
mind, just know you were my final thought
babe you know i'm not just trying to get below your
asteroid belt,
but i borrowed some of saturn's rings and my knees
are covered in star dust
and i'm hoping that you'll keep pulsating this feeling
because i promise the sun will never warm me like
you do.

Heavenly Mistake
y'know, god fucked up when he gave me you

and im not saying im suddenly a believer, but how

else could an angel end up with the devil?

im not trying to be overdramatic and i know we all

have our faults, but have you seen yourself lately?

you put the stars to shame with just a smile and i

swear your hands built this world from scratch

i didnt know my heart was beating until your voice

was the first thing i heard in the morning

ive been playing tic tac toe on my wrists since i was

eleven, but you beat me at my own game and now
an x and an o is just a hug and a kiss and i cant put
my feelings into these lines but just know im tryin

and on those nights when we're both falling apart,

we'll hold onto each other so our pieces just mix

together and we will build a mosaic dedicated to our

love

yeah baby, god mustve fucked up when he gave me

you, cause before i saw your eyes hope was a
fleeting feeling and i was only good at letting go

now ive perfected holding onto the hope that you

someday will have my last name and that this was
god's plan and he didnt make a mistake giving me
someone who finally eased the pain

im sorry if im rambling and i dont know why all my

poetry is about someone who might not exist, but
what ive been trying to say is you look like home
and you sound like tomorrow.