‘THE PROBLEM Wiweaie hum, LQve SIM" Adapted from a play by A. R. GURNEY, JR. [CHARACTERS THE HUSBAND - In his thirties. THE WIFE - Also in her thirties. SETTING As simple a set as possible: the suggestion of a study. A leather chair with | a matching footstool, a reading light behind it. A coffee table with papers. | The HUSBAND is sitting in the chair, feet up on the footstool, reading a book, taking notes into a notebook comfortably propped on his knee. After a moment, the WIFE comes in from the left, hugely pregnant. She stands looking at him. He continues to read. _ WIFE Hey. ¥ th yee foat Gens wes HUSBAND (Not looking at her.) I'm reading, dear. \s WIFE (Sticking out her stomach.) | know. But look at me. 0) J HUSBAND (Still reading.) I'm preparing for a class, dear. WIFE | know, but just look. (She crosses to him, stands by his chair, and sticks out her stomach.) Just take a gander. HUSBAND (Tums his head and looks right into her stomach. He starts, takes off his glasses, looks again, and then looks up into her face.) Well, well tae naval. WIFE Yes. HUSBAND | Surprise, surprise WIFE Yes. _ HUSBAND You look different WIFE Exactly. (Pause.) HUSBAND Why have I never noticed before? WIFE Because | wear loose-fitting clothes. HUSBAND That's true. WIFE Clothes without waists.a USBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE / HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE That's true. Large, shapeless nightgowns. True enough. So only now, tonight, does it seem to show. | see. (Pause. They smile at each other. Then he looks at his watch.) I've got to teach a class in an hour. ‘Oh, | know. And I've got to go out to choir practice. So... | just wanted you to know. (Pause.) So you could plan. Yes. | will. I'll plan accordingly. (Smiles at her again, puts on his glasses, and returns to his book. She starts off left, and then stops.) Oh, there's one thing, though. (Reading.) Mmmmmm? i One small problem. (Reading.) Mmmmmm. And what's that, dear? | don't know whether you've thought about this, or not. ees (Looking up.) State the problem. Then I'll tell you whether I've thought about it. It'sa little tricky. ie < Well. We're married, after all. Yes. That's why it's a little tricky. Perhaps. But that's also why you should feel free to speak out All right. (Pause.) You see, I'm not absolutely sure that this... (She looks down at her stomach.) is yours. (Pause. He marks his place in his book, puts it down carefully, takes off his glasses, and then looks up.) Anh. So that's the problem. Yes. That's the problem. | think I'll trust you on this one, dear. That's sweet of you, darling. (Pause.) But do | trust myself?— Um USBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE / HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE I think you should. So there we are. But But what? The thing is ... Now how do | put this? ‘Speak frankly Hil try. The thing is ... that you and I ... haven't made love very much. Recently. Is that true? | think it is. Not very much. Not recently. Hmmm. Define “recently.” Well... five years, more or less ... give or take a month or two. Is that true? | think it is. (Pause.) Has it been that long? Oh, yes. Well, well. And so ‘And so ‘And so you mind, obviously. Mind? Mind that we haven't. Much. Recently. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. I don't mind. Why should | mind? Well, then ... (Pointing to her stomach.) I'm just thinking of this, that's all. Oh, | see! (Smiling.) You see? Of course. | see the connection! (He slaps his head.) Forgive me. I was thinking about my class. —_—_— | forgive you. You love your work.— 4USBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND. Yes, but I'm with you now. I'm on your wavelength now. Oh, good. Yes, yes. | understand now. What you're really saying is ... now stop me if I'm wrong ... but what you're really saying is that you think someone else might have impregnated you. More or less. Yes. | see, | see, | see. It's possible, after all. Yes. It's possible. On these evenings that you have to go teach. Yes. When you go out to choir practice. Yes. Exactly. So we do have a problem here, don't we? Yes. We really do. (Pause; he looks at her, looks at her stomach, scratches his head, taps his teeth with a pencil, twirls his glasses.) You know, darling ... it occurs to me ... that | should have made love to you more, Oh, no, no. I'm kicking myself now. Oh, don't, don't 1am. Things would have been much simpler. Oh, sweetheart, stop punishing yourself. But why didn't I? Damn! Darling, you have your work. Oh, sure, but. You have your intellectual life... That's all very well, but .© WIFE HUSBAND 8 8 @® WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND. WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND ib. 6 } You had your book to finish. we N\ hax & (Ati Yes, yes,’but, darling, that doesn't really answer the question. The question is, why haven't | made love to you in the past five years? That's the question. (Pause.) Perhaps it was because you used to laugh too much Laugh? Wret! Svpitedl Yes. In the old days. Whenever we started to make love, you'd start to chuckle. : q I did, didn't 1? | remember now. (He guchles RH wed | Yes. You'd chuckle. (Chuckling.) Because the whole thing struck me as being slightly abSurd. (Chuckiing) When you think about it. (Chuckiing.) | should’ leam to control myself. (He chuckles louder, controls himself stoically, then bursts into loud laughter, then forces himself fo sui m Sony 4 Oh, don't be sorry. | was just as bad. Did you chuckle? Sova dd yy 2 No. Actually I'd cry. Q | don't remember you crying Well, 'd whimper. Yes, yes! You would. You'd whimper. (Chuckles.) Og Well, | felt so sad! Making love. While all these horrible things are going on in the world. Yes. So you'd whimper. | remember now. 6 .. Starvation in Africa ,.. Unemployment in Singapore ... all that! ... | felt so And | felt so absurd Yes. You chuckling, me whimpering Yes. Oh, yes And so it wasn't very conducive. Right. So we gave it up. That answers that. (Pause; picks up his book and starts to read.) 5@ @® @ ® WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND: WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND: WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND. But now, there's this. (Indicates her stomach.) » (Reading; taking notes.) Keep it oe What? Keep it. Have it. Bring it home. Oh, darling Give it my name. Consider me its father. Oh, sweetheart. I've let you down. Now I'l make it up. Keep it But I'm partly to blame But I'm the man You certainly are! You certainly are the man! ‘And now I'm afraid that | must prepare for my class. Yes. And I've got to go to my practice. (They smile at each other, then she starts out left; then she stops, and stands reflectively. After a moment, he looks at her.) But you're not satisfied. Oh, Iam, | am. Darling, we've been married ten years. You are not satisfied. You've got a class. My wife comes first. Come on. What's the problem now? I'm embarrassed even to bring it up. (Tenderty.) Come on. Out with it. Tell me. All right. (Pause.) What if this . .. (She looks at her stomach.) turns out to have red hair? (Pause.) Red? Red. Dark or light. Depending on how the chromosomes line up. (Pause.) Mmmmm.@ @ 9 WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WE HUSBAND. WIFE HUSBAND, WIFE HUSBAND WE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE You see? You see the problem? (Nodding.) Mmmmm. | meen, can you still act as its father if it has red hair? Mmmmmm. (Looks at her wryly.) Yes, well, that puts a different complexion on things. (Giggling.) Furmy... (Chuckling,) That's ahorse of a different colour. (Laughing.) Now cut it out. You're awful. (Stops laughing.) Try to be serious. (Pausé: Settles down.) Red, eh? | should have told you before. No, no. | should have assumed it. It just slipped my mind, I guess. I'm glad it did. Yes. But it's still a problem. In this case, yes. I'd say so. (Pause.) So you must let me think it out. But your class ... I'll just be less prepared than | like to be. Which may be good. Which may be very good. Which may make things more lively and spontaneous. So let me think about this other problem. (Twirls his glasses as she stands watching him.) | could still adopt it How? We could tell the world that you had a blue baby. Which died. And then we could bring home the red one. Which we say we adopted. That sounds awfully complicated I know. Besides, the real father might object. He might take pride in it himsetf Need he know? Oh, yes. Because he'll see it, after all‘7 4 a - @ HUSBAND You mean, he'll continue to come around. WIFE Oh, yes. After I'm home from the hospital. And capable of sexual intercourse again. (©) HUSBAND | see WIFE So that scratches the adopting idea. (@) HUSBAND Yes, it does. (He thinks.) WIFE But you have your class ... © HUSBAND No, no. Now wait a minute ... (He thinks carefully, then suddenly pounds his fist on the arm of his chair.) Sweetheart, I'm going to be honest with you. (Points to the footstool.) Sit down. WIFE (Looking at the footstool.) | can't sit down. Your feet are there. */ HUSBAND I'll remove my feet. (He does.) Now sit down \ WIFE All right. I'l sit down. (Sits on the footstool in front of him.) ‘© HUSBAND Now don't look at me. Face forward. Because this is going to be hard for me to tell, and hard for you to hear. | WIFE Allright. | won't look at you. HUSBAND And if I'm inarticulate about this, you must try to understand that this is a difficult thing for a man to tell his wife. I'm only doing it - I'm only telling you - because it seems to be the only way to solve this problem. WIFE (Smoothing her skirt over her stomach.) Yes. This problem. (HUSBAND _ Now try not to interrupt, darling, unless you have to. Unless you're unclear about anything. Save your remarks and comments for the end. Alll right? WIFE Vl try. A ake HUSBAND All right. (He takes a deep breath.) Now. To begin with, I've been lying to you this evening. WIFE Lying? A\nehT HUSBAND. Ssshhh. Lying. | don't have a class tonight. 've never had a class at night. | don't ort @ believe in evening classes. All these years I've been lying. The class that I've told ye you meets at night actually meets on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at ten am WIFE | see.HUSBAND. WIFE a 4) HUSBAND WIFE () HUSBAND WIFE ©) HusBAND WIFE ©) HusBaND WIFE “~ ©) HUSBAND WIFE © HusBanp WIFE (© HUSBAND WIFE @ HUSBAND WIFE You may well ask, therefore, where | go on these nights when | say | have classes, (Pause.) And that is what is so difficult to tell you. (Pause.) The fact is, | don't leave this house. Not really. Oh, | leave by the front door, all right. But | immediately go round to the back and into the garage. I see, Now. What do | do in the garage? You're probably asking yourself that. What do | do in the garage? ... Don't look at me, darling! (Pause; then grimly:) Here's what | do in the garage. | make my way to a small space behind those piled up boxes. And in that small space, | have hidden . . . certain things. (Pause.) What have | hidden? I'l tell you. (He counts them off on his fingers.) Some theatrical makeup. A red wig. A complete change of clothes. And a small mirror. That's what | have hidden in the garage. Behind the piled up boxes... | see Yes. You see, my darling, or you're beginning to. When | go into the garage, | hang the mirror on a nail. | strip myseff to the buff, | cover myself from head to toe with that makeup. | glue on that red wig. | put on the clothes. | leave the garage. Go to the front door. Ring the bell. And reappear to you. So you see, my poor darling, | am your red-headed visitor, and have been all along. You? me. Yeast 2 \oihes! But ‘Oh, | know it sounds unbelievable. Remember how you always lower the lights Remember, also, that | was a good actor in high school. Somehow | was able to pass. I've deceived you for these past years. Deceived my own wife! Disguising myself as a red-headed stranger! But ... why? Because | wanted to make love to you. And somehow this seemed to be the only way | could do it. You'll have to admit it worked. (Looking atherstmach.) Ohiijes. It worked. And out of all this, a child will be born. And | am its father, after all. I'm somewhat ... stunned ... by all this. | know you are, darling. (Gets up.) Try to understand it while I'm gone, Gone? I'm going out to the garage now. To put on your costume?) HUSBAND: WIFE HUSBAND No. To bum it. Bum it? Yes. It's all over now. Because you know. The mask is off. Any attempt to wear it again would be foolish. I'd be nothing but a self-conscious amateur. Our love life would be as absurd as it was before | found this way around it. So I'm going to destroy my role. (Pause; he looks at her.) And when | come back, | want you gone, WIFE Gone? HUSBAND You must leave me now. WIFE No. HUSBAND You must. Oh, my darling, this urge to love you is stil in me. | don't know what devious form it will take next, Take the child and go. WIFE Never. HUSBAND Please. Listen: | don't know what I'll think of next in the garage. I've got the Karma Sutra there. And a complete Marquis de Sade. I'l reread them both, looking for increasingly complicated sexual perversions. | may reappear with a whip. Wearing riding boots. Or dressed as a woman. Get out, darling. Run to the suburbs. Give my child a normal home. Go! WIFE Normal? Normal? (She laughs uneasily.) What is normal? HUSBAND You're normal, my love. WIFE Me? Oh, how little you know! (Grimly.) Sit down. |, too, have a tale to tel HUSBAND Nothing you could say WIFE Sit down. HUSBAND Allright WIFE I've known all along you were my red-headed lover. HUSBAND | (Sits down.) You've known? WIFE From the beginning. HUSBAND But... how? Five years ago, when you announced to me that you had scheduled some WIFE evening classes, | became suspicious. And so when you left for the first class, | followed you. 10HUSBAND WIFE \@) Joxisee HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND. WIFE HUSBAND. WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE Followed me? Yes. | followed my own husband. Followed you to that tacky little theatre-supply shop downtown where you bought your disguise. Followed you back here Followed you into the garage, hid behind the door, watched you change into your poor, pathetic imitation of a red-headed vagabond You spied on me Yes, | spied on you, my darling. Furtively, suspiciously, like a jealous wife. But when | saw what you were doing, when | understood that you were doing it for me, my heart went out to you. With a great rush of longing, | dashed back inside, eager to receive you, but at the same time terrified that you would see that | recognized you. Frantically, | dimmed the lights, to make things easier for both of us | thought it was because you were romantic. | know you did, darling, And | let you think that. But no ... it was simply so | wouldn't give myself away. You were acting? The whole time? Yes. Wasn't | good? Pretending that you were someone new and strange? | am No actress, but | improvised like a professional during that whole scene! (Shaking his head.) It's hard to believe ... You seemed so ... excited! | was! | was terribly excited. I'll admit it. That strange, siy courtship, the banter, the give-and-take, with all those peculiar overtones. | threw myself into it with a vengeance. But then ... when you carried me into the bedroom ... everything changed. What do you mean? | was a tiger! You were, darling. You were a tiger. But | wasn't You said you loved me. | was only pretending, | really hated it Hated ite? Hated myseff. It was awful. | felt so guilty. All my old sexual agonies seemed to be magnified by a gallery of mirrors. | wanted at least to whimper, as I did normally, with you, when you were you, but now you weren't you, | had to stifle my own sighs. Worse ... | had to pretend, to play, to fake the whole experience! And all the time, | felt like a thing, an object, a creature without a soul. And when you lef - finally left - | just lay on the bed, arms folded across my breast, like a stone carving on my own tomb. It took every ounce of energy | could muster to rise and greet you at the door when you retumed from your supposed class. (Pause.) "1HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND So. For the past five years you have been through hell No. After that first ghastly evening, | suffered nothing. You mean, you grew accustomed ... I mean, | wasn't there. You weren't there? No. | left the house right after you went into the garage. But then who ... was here ... with me? | got a substitute. I see. Oh, darling, try to understand. | simply could not endure another evening like ~ that. The sham, the pretence - it revolted me. And yet | knew how much it meant to you! All the next day, | racked my brain, trying to figure out something which would satisfy us both. | took a long walk. | wandered all over town. Finally, about an hour before | was due home, | saw a woman who looked a little like me. Same hair, same height, roughly the same age. It was at least a chance. Before | knew what | was doing, | approached her and asked her whether she'd like to sleep with a stranger. She was a prostitute and naturally she said she would. And so, for the past five years, this woman has come here while you were in the garage changing your clothes, and in the dim light, she has pretended to be me. see Do you hate me very much? No. I don't hate you. But | must say I'm somewhat ... surprised. | suspected you would be. But what about that? (Points to her stomach.) (Clutching her stomach.) Ah, this Yes. That. Whose is that? Now bear with me, darling. On these nights while you're in the garage, and while that woman is preparing herself for your retum, | go off with a real red-head. There it is. In a nutshell. His Pajero pulls up quietly in front, He flashes his lights. ‘And | sneak out and drive off with him into the jungle. There, on an old rug, attacked by mosquitoes, we make love in a clearing. Love - which felt good for the first time in my life | see. And so he is the father of that 12WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND. WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND. WIFE HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND. No. No? Somehow, even that wasn't enough. Somehow, with all those jungle sounds pulsing around me, all my sexual frustration, all my repressed anger, it wasn't enough. So | betrayed my lover for his friend. And his friend for another. And so on and so forth, with Europeans, with Bangladeshis, with Vietnamese — even Thais. Oh, darting, for the past five years, I've been offering myseff as a willing sacrifice to anyone who wanted me. And so the father is I really don't have a clue. | see. ‘And now you'll leave me, won't you? Me? Leave you now? (Laughs peculiarly.) | want to stay more than ever ... What would you say ... if! said ... that everything you've told me ... excites me? Excites you? Sets my blood boiling. Gives me strange, wild, lustful desire. What would you say if | said that your jungle experiences have lit a lurid light in my loins? Really? (Looking down at his feet.) What would you say if | said... that | suddenly want to exercise - how shall | put it? - my husbandly rights? That | want to steal you from your lovers and carry you into my bedroom and ravage you with the reading lights going full blaze? (Looks at her carefully.) What would you say if| said that? (Pause - she looks at him coyly.) I'd say ... doit Mmmm. (Hastily.) And let me add this. Let me add that a woman is also capable of weird desires. Looking at you now, slouched in that chair, surrounded by your books and papers, ! suddenly have the strange urge to experience the stale comforts of married love. They say that after eating at a banquet with all its rich food, one yeams for a simple meal of plain rice... So itis with me. For you. Tonight. (Getting up slowly.) Then (Backing away from him.) But there's still this! (Indicating her stomach.) This problem! (Moving toward her.) That's no problem. 13WIFE |) HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND WIFE CO HusBAND WIFE © HUSBAND WIFE ® HUSBAND WIFE HUSBAND Y WIFE (© HusBand = WIFE (©) HusBaNo WIFE HUSBAND WIFE Blackout, No problem? That's just the premise tothe problem. Now we've solved the problem, we no longer need the premise. | fail to follow. That's just the starting mechanism. Now the motor’s going, we no longer need the starter. (Looking down at her stomach.) Oh (Stalking her.) That's not really a baby you have in there. (Backing away.) Not really a baby? No, That's a balloon you have in there. A balloon? A balloon. Or an old beach ball. Or a watermelon. It's a baby. I'm practically positive. No, no look, I'l show you. (Takes his pencil and gives her a quick, neat jab in the stomach.) Touche! (There is a pop, and she defiates. Theyboth watch.) You see? The problem was simply academic. (Pause. ) (Looking at him sheepishly.) Aren't we awful? (Going to his chair, closing his book, carefully marking the place.) You started it. I know. It was my tum. You started the last one. (Neatening his books and papers.) Well, i's fun. Shouldn't we see a psychiatrist? (Putting his glasses in his glasses case.) Why? We're happy. (Turns off his light. The stage is now lit only from a light off left.) But we're so depraved! (He looks at her, then throws back his head and gives a long Tarzan-like whoop; then he pounds his chest like a gorilla; she giggles.) Quiet! You'll wake the children! (He picks her up in his arms; she pummels him melodramatically; speaks in an English accent.) No, Tarzan! White men do not take women by force! No, Tarzan! White men court their women! They are civilized, Tarzan. It's very complicated. Do you understand what | am saying? Com-pli-ca-ted. ... Com-pli-.. (She giggles and kicks as he carries her of left.) mand nardle 14