SHAKESPEARE SCHIZOPHRENIA Black Adder Meets the Bard (@ comie adaptation of the comic adapt Yendyag O12 208 08 CHARACTERS (in order of appearance): NO@LEONE, NARRATOR RictaKb, DUKE OF YORK @ KING RICHARD IV, a Davi KING RICHARD III @ GHOST, wiceremoniously EMO. Hare, PRINCE OF WALES, re ‘SIUAKESPEARE SCHZOPAREN! mn by Black Adder), QV) EDMUND, DUKE OF EDINBURGH @ BLACK ADDER, richard iv's other son FOTETY PERCY, DuKE OF NORTHUMBERLAND, an atenton seeking browr-rorer a BALDRICK semen ROK Momsen @ QUEEN, richard iv wie ond hence back der mather GID GE BEES, RoBIN HOOD, fost she wrong story MESSENGER, a rather lot fella CORDELIA, another wich GONCRI, wich ? shict'.-Roape REOAN, also a witch MAC Hanmer, edn B90 Dow SPEEKENGLEESH, hor iterpreter Vas OpKarna , Koes gu Nauk Toke, AMET @ ROB *Hodd d\2 -Ga2ysoS - O2-2O56H( > ‘SUIAKESHEARE SeUIZOPURENLA ~acti~ SCENE Nanearor: The history of England has known many great Kings and queens William the Conqueror, King Jobin, Richard the Lion-hearted, Elizabeth the Virgin ree of whom were beheaded, know not, My Lord. other side ofthe KING from R_UuLLOW ‘aN unwpat “EBLOW sanadd wa0¥y oop 1» a0 Sop poap Suysn ‘asvoamns ay wo sde0}s 240 stance BRS fo woHI09 IP Bly paoss sasioy) (Sop yar sy uo sm yu desy> pooyuan spo pr 34 You UOT Mr UOWOHUS® pay =ONTYY NOU 94 45] J POUD}ONA a PIE WL RON =AYRVEL Id" pool eT :cxVHORT jean poping e 0: aeaqid you sund so [ovo aouo ‘spustay sap yowarq ayn oun a1ous 2940 (Gs 0) ORI ‘nis wow0g Ye) 01 08 nop yo0q mays sone run on asoup Jo yeads 2 ein pesimage sox Wanaos ~1ov~ nog gavaussave§ sraLvan. ANorevHE SHO sou aci20 po 204 2 pani pa 1a 29 0} aB0ps wo sda “aps 0} OF pu souk wop ayy, ‘oBoys S10 1104 01 08 oys. OUI PD pump Ido2x29 Yo] nay sOABo} oUOoKsOAG sib uw TUB gag Jo PUNos 941 TApoairy (129908 yen d2x.7)jSousnp] YNowELHOR snows Yop Kou) o4Ojaq aquloUI21 MoxioWO} NOW UOp 61 o8 oY AsOKT [TA] ISEOH DUI Zp ‘seanyy [Keun (toes papsosa vw a40 Ky asmocag panynass) 49 (u0201 1 woos so ayn aun 01 Zuystu So}oUD ou “aso youu 24 ‘puoT au Suny ADutOS ‘2a 8 da yoms wyEjuad Sui pu SyoHON wr ossoy Aur “ase Ww da pul fp suum SORCvE iy a ‘Aad Bey hy a vonmaozns suvausaensSHAKESPEARE: ~ ACT I~ SCENE Ko My Lord EDMUND: ‘Suddenly we see BALDRICK goin owed by EDMUND, ‘The first decent battle since I. reached puberty... (U) ible 1g seems 19 be going very wel ly having the time of th ‘They're dead, My Lor Ab. frigales walks wp front (Stops as he sees a horse — (CuAONC HARMONY THEATRE SHAKESPEARE ScHIZOPIRENIA id): Oh dear, bate now that the i ‘a sack BALDRICK is solely dragging the IND emers afterward, carrying a pair of gloves EoMunD: Come an! Come on! Will you watt Will you wat! BALDRICK collapses exhausted on the conpse when he reaches far ripht of lage. EDMUND: Ah, well done... Sis onthe floor facing right wal, notices something's missing) Where's the head? BaLpick: Thought you had i EDMUND: Baldrick, | vant be expected to camry everything! ‘They hear someone approaching. PERCY enters, picks up head, and is delighted. Walis EpMuno: You ve you been? Percy: (Proffers the head) EDMUND (ig oum and let's get out af here! Pencr: Bbw:AnH ‘rato axay uSauno9 “Siwy SPUD ATOMS any puny ankioo p BuSdoup pun oypooun » Suakuno YS BI waONENSAW aU PapuNOM UaKA USE a ‘AYA 11s uo seins 2uociaxs}) “$poq 94) ROU AYU wo Afopdatoa se | ‘pari SOW 242194 KOU, uoatios woiyprvag “as yy otun ap 9 upinow 1 8 I 2(fy sty sof Buuaraf so 494 So paropsarn on’) axCINC 81 :(aNana 200f 01 won dnou8 21 puo 24) cxvHONL aap SO} Spou) puneAP YM 2HLOW, OuAt JUN Fades poyzoys) UV, ‘Op s,04| ANd vO ENO jareydeuoo 24 84s ep oup pu “x04 9q 01 poENDI BUS JOH S| NOW peaw aM TTY :aAVHON wyezannt pwn) axis ‘dno puny sided pu says mura ligezany deny dy iden de} jpmupny Buy poo oj sisoy9 aa.m, SIM, (aReumo suo sn f0 2Uo oF stan) “~ywausOKsv UE SOK SOA (PaysO¥s) CAMTOR ‘UU USISPE 0} JUBN ROK WOU Soden 9G ASHTON (o3ino12 241 mous sxaays yoasug) {S20} {UOM 94 {4OM. 341 {95IN0D JO ‘S94 ‘quan. nox 9g wae ouy, soxvHOR au 24) 9g pinow Hf BnOKD | KYA AHN qurwcos‘9q 01 p2dxo no pup nok, Pey.0] OyNA:(aBouonca sy WH YP {sseyuan oso} oC 9404 200p parse _afioys wo uoua4 Xora puD AD ABEEWONED wy SIBNOD Pt mop 5203 pun surasns ancwner 100 uySuog ps, 200n5 vrcmtoang savaesaxvas sTuLvan. ANorAvH SOW Sonera 00 BY 8420) ADL mp 10, 2pm) ccc aprep pon BUY sratLOHN {st 2.08 pp S211 “asd 5,389 TOM SGN parry Buy. 30 sie ap Busy am AOU, “BL Bt HIOTAW'ON. “ATH yop D3 S200 Sing ion sew u Fs 24) oy um isp aT LY Aone uy "SOS “ny 249 woy Bupw0a 2,29 Nora AL NOTKOTVET 203 nos nfs of pun x09 uns) suBeq) jSpasg B10 4,804, 2ouopp ays ee psD>y 39 wD sup Kero Hy 08 61 BunCOD aL SoyL OME enn op rey, ZaNENEL ime sw aOR for wo4fo81so94o suns XONMETV pK Wy AMON Fons a4) ur mca, ‘ana pw nod ype Syeug Aa oy 98 our osoKp UY sOHOHN—“aNNWCT “Fuyoe 20 oq w pay ,voAny | “-Apeas YOU WL PUMP MGW ALLOW, 8 0 Te so 0g Kuioup ap SPUONES UA 2aNnNGEL 20811 pip MOH weap ‘pump -aAHLOWY ‘Aipomnanyp aster yor ALaNaDS ~1Lov~ vinamuoanos ewaismenis(CuAOTC HaRMOwy THEATRE SHAKESPEARE SCHOEN EDMUND (not noticing Haney): Why, did someone say he was dead?) My Lord! I stumbled on his body myself, aces body onthe flor and les on top don me, thou King. ‘enough ofthat, thank you, Hay Harv: and flights of angels sing thee to thy Thank you, Harty... (Shouts annoyed) Thank you, Harry! (Angered 7) Yest . and we know who did this dreadful deed... (look at BoMUND) RicHano: EDMUND slowly nods, as a sort of confession. and closes hr eves, preparing to have his head cu of Rictigro: “The enemy! EDMUND nad increas in speed. he opens hi eves and [Ricuanp: Yes! And they still oam fre! Shouts loudly) Harty, cll in lence! (Lowers crown ono his father's head). oe the King! Haney (shows): Everyone, including Harry, kneels or bows before Richard ALLBUTRICHARD: Long live King Richard IV! KINGRICHARD IV: This day has been as twere, A mighty stew Of sweet Richard slain And the grisly dumpling ‘CiaoTIC HaMsony THEATRE SHAKESPEARE ScuZOMIRENIA ~acTl~ SCENEY pRICK enter room EpMuno (eyeing Pency angrily) Afterall who has the fastest brain inthe land? Banpaick and Pri Baupaick: Prince Ed racy feaiching on) EDMUND: Who. Epauno: Black... Vegeta Banpeick: My Lo Baupeick: You're cenainly Prncy: —... and head and should EDMUND (turns om PERCY, shouting): Is that supposed to be witty? Prev: ord hat was... an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to, EDMUND (showing): Go away! BALDaick ano Percy: Yes, LDRICK and PERCY, EDMUND looks around, uncovers a home-made i on ara looks at himself in mirror. GHOST appears Oh yes, very fetching. ‘and sereans, you too. (Walks down to bedroom) 0po sao. ap ayy Boa 025, NIM ay pun “aso ay vectors meaasts “ru, ANON HOW 1a Nan 80S 4s0HD 0) anna ammy0§ "ASO, oun HM NANe) ust 2sin09 J0‘ON conc “puna pamssy nox =NTIN, ‘anniv NEFA ‘aNnNory ane) “yons 00 ‘anna, {gn pa. a4 auo2UH0S 193 NOG AAR ZOU KYA —=EIN ‘ut09 40 FON :(4o9p ays oF Surya) esr uy autoo oc] (RAND) OF) 150K ns II Ipunupa (urns mogffo dorm 5 oop ‘annoy 50810 ‘poop atom wo aynoIn suOKIOND ‘AURA 9M ET “eNNNGEL at qq ange Spyurty—-LSOHD, ‘anna S081 ques asne29q "Nox 28 01 poo LD, ‘pur pm Aron w,] “&W9PEIN NOK "N60 OF NK Jo PUPY AIDA “AIBA WN ‘anna voCauv Moy 7083 AiR aH AOSIAPO] NOS "PUP Og SOL) ON saNnNaT ups, 2 por soupey nOR —=ISOHD nung “M08 are so pe“ ynciana asec nod 240 Ye Jo pray Aus yn> SpoqauHos an06 sew Mop fo 9 004 390 23.80% 34007 PIE ‘SS9upo0D “uMNop Fa pops °upey | “2a ssoupood 49 “on ‘wnmeidomtg mvaasavHs sTanvany, sNovewvn OYACChxomic Hakuony THeaTRe ‘SuuakesPeane ScrazornneNta Scav26 ~ACTI~ SCENEYT: scene, POMUND hurries in via left (goes towards RICKARD I's seat) You dare sit there boy? That was King Richard's soat! Would you ugh, erm, no, no... sory GxOST appears in chair but only EDMUND can see or hear hin, Ghost: Yes, find your own chair, you smelly lite sheep! EDMUND: —Eugh! (Goes back 1o normal seat at end of table) Kino (speaking across where Guost is, co HARRY): How many prisonets have you KiNG: Send them both tomy room, will you? Haney: Very well, Gvost (waving): Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? Helo? Gost (seated again): twas him— Guosr: Kine: Edmund who interrupted, Sire Guosr: Hang the litle sug! EDMUND screams and eravls wer the table, ‘Crxone Hanwowy THEATRE SHAKESPEARE ScHZOFIRENA cher on table once more. Raises ‘you very much for e seeing of me for awhile. not in any case, (Fades away) his knees on his floor, but now owt from under wipes his brow and sel Kina: Now that we have seek out this en ‘ALLEXCEPTEDMUND ANDKINO: Hap, hap, huzzaht Ep\unp: To batle again? Ko: Coming along, Funa? EDMUND (mumbling): Er, have to... sh, look for my... sword. (als to right side of stage as KING exits through the le Ay EDMUND's back is turned, the three cauldron. As he walts back tothe lef side of the s some shock. Govcrit: Re not affaid... Cornetia: Be not overcome with fear. REGAN: Be not paralysed with terror. EDMUND: Why art you here, you loathsome hags? REGAN: We bear good news. EDMUND: What news could such repulsive harbingers convey? Connetia: Today has brought misfortune... Gonceit: But one day. GoNcRIt, CORDELIA AND REGAN: O, glorious day! CoRDELIA: One dy... GoNCRIL, CORDELIA AND REGAN: happy day! Afovard pause Yes? Goxerit, ConDeLin AND REGAN: Yau shall be wedded dreams! the woman of your you snaggle-toothed vi ‘Begin rap musi0 260909 0A ZIEUM, ‘paiuo Apease we !OMVHL ON WY :AVHL ONT 529045) KD ay, "04 (ao0yf uo dove or weav4t 5940) AD aL, IpOXA “ONY ONS Ken 310 SING 9H, “ONS (iaypyos on da youd 09 sug) “por SN SBR fey 249 ayy sos) SOW gnok juss 2K0u EHH dong :ONISL Ap 0 uo Bg1099 51 AOL » dow 9330} > YI woos © W A00xf 24p Mo 81 ONIS 24, 8 paqgoun adoana Jo p09 punjurg wey o$ sow suou pur ‘24 pure Kouausna yo wuoy WowO] ayp se WHOM 249 poodjdax BO oy YOY 2 ose pu SAT PREYS $0 196 pu0ds 24} ‘ORHL BL -NOLVENYN, Caw) | L2N298 apy ‘ynematdoms nivausEMS Raat. ANore® HOM st 1490 aNa~ smo apo sae foryo0.0 0 w80q pu sreday) ~ayqqnq uorpne ‘ue wing aay ‘ajgnoss pus Yor ‘a}gnop ‘a}gnog —:NVDRY ANY VrIKRIOD “TON Tuo AUS ARON e3e 11 S00P KM :NVOR dog. smpNoD, ‘do VOR ‘sop svritawog 1 Sinyoo}) Nv0R “Kyo! “os ou "$94 wrTIaHOD ‘uryoo1 son9q 94 nos 9] aynow | !THONOD. ‘pn KA Se a 8 NvORL yd 1 SP H,USEI 3} T!DNOD oR aNAWNA “FpEf 289 seu sy ayy atoun feo paapan png in B sopis a “ys meaagin 2 fos ap tugs fo pow 940 so0we sy) YOON “ys sual fo ssi ste EE vixtanzoaiog savsasevnS ‘auivan. ANonvHE HOMECuxoTic HaRMoNy THEATRE SHAKESPEARE SCHZOPURENLA Percy: You do have anot KING: What? (Sudden re ‘his name? Edmund, My Lov. son, My Lord? ton) Of course! You're right! The slimy one... the two ‘Cimon HARMONY THEATRE SHAKESPEARE SeuIzoetRDNA ~ actin omic SCENE. ——= Left spotlight on. EoMuND and BALDRICK are on stage, a NESSINGER enters vi lef Massencee: My Lord, I bring a message EDMOND: Yes, obviously... you're a messenger MEssENceR: You ate engaged to be matted 10 EpMunp (puts hie hand on his hips): What? Missense (mimics EOMUND, puting hand an hips): My Lord, bring a message ‘You are engaged EDMUND: Yes, yes, fanta Maria of Spain, faves his hand) Ah... (puts his hand on his neck) Epwuns UND (entiraled by the woman's beauty, giggles a bit before coming ta his senses): Hmm? cust Haney: I's Spanish. It means “Welcome to ont casie. hope you find the drains to your satisfaction ere You ae (gives Edmund a pieee of paper) I've joed itdown for you, Ie should ep to breathe iee with the Infant, EDMUND looks conficed. Haney: Oh, by the wa Laxembourg. EDMUND (disappointed that tl do, young lady? COmcLia: Very well, dhank you, My Lord font think you known the Countess Ophelia of rman wasn No... 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S20" ge FEY PUY "295 | 245 ur WOO s,uHURFA ak OF SuOyE OF a a a ‘d a {ofeusow sip Jo no no 79 oy ofa v anv KEW OH AUNT PIO SY Fd stom ‘iy 50 90 HOS Fe8 OF anv onaY KEM | UEP PIO] AY GHG AMIN BYU) — ‘ued woyy 20024, ‘d esmugesseyay 1 (40a 525183) 1 posne oy Sioueu Huyssoud ato ney JoRPHEAPERG paSE|G EWI G a i894 (p2Kouw) eg par AW (4 10°14, ‘ueudo trypneag 2a pu su Jo wo 198 01 108 94,1 snajem papsBag rey) Karr UN spun {of uo ame yoxpyeq pu Koing ‘puna wo ods 12) Yinauidoaiog auvassrvis ‘RAR ANOWVHE MOWED‘Cuaamc tRanMowy PHEATRE E H: E 2» SHAKESPEARE SenIZOPIRENIA What do you propose Ido Leave everything to me. All you ba something green in your attire and L areen v How can I ever repay you? You already havel do is turn up on that day with arrange for your lady to wear & (Cuore Haxwony Taare ‘SHAKESHEARE ScHLZOPHRENIA SCENES (The Infanta, Don and the Queen enter via p ns and go on stage via front Sia Infaata: down) Ab, esto easta bien. Don: is nice, Indeed this is very nice. As a matter of fact, extremely nice. Queens Oh yes. (sits down too) I Hablaremos un poco de cosas de mujeres. D: fo have @ Title talk about a lady’s things. To chat a litle about @ woman's things. I Si D: —_—_Justthe two of us Just you and I, the vo of us, @ ——Obyyes, yes I i Bueno, Senora hableme de los hombres ingleses. D: ymen, about men from England Q I D: ‘What? What? @ pudding made of bread and butter and esisins and, of I D: @ (Baldrick enters via let) B: (to Queen) My lady, may Ihave a word with the Spanish Infani? Q more about D: ‘he queen and don leave via B: Your Spanishness, I bring news ftom my Lord Edmund, your be. bethrown 1 Edmundo? Que? Be K?... OK? I B: 1 Where. .ing? B: Yes, you know... (hums wedding march) 30ze {ad nos op p83 on pe sau (1 "ploy oF pur aany 01 !3jH ARPAN IAFL 4a ““|YAH NOE 99 OY v ‘a ian yusop yo ~ a ‘uewos siy1 aye ¥BinquIPa Jo aC “puMUIPA “ROKK —3W og ‘odo ssouno, ue enimjoy ysiueds 249 poe punuipy sound Jo 6 Joyo) ay pausype aw axe “paxoyaq sec doystqyDy (fms wou 8H) (oop yo trey u sy aUOKIDN® “SuNTo9 S09 BuEPpIA) use S540 s54) [ogHMIT PIN? Fos pO, Sw ‘d ood a 0S yn 240] u Sexes; Sf o4j “ung, orssud says “uaI9 pu sayDDoH 4 ous 1g wn 99 Ae 945 ~HR9d HD]DEx9 UH Ay ‘d 4 oun, @ ut szaonbs oy Sdoy wf “poo8 JOHN Hu om a fiers pao ue sow BND, “398 NOK “ySUD|.) tuny uy 24) eur pur “26> s,pungsny snot Jo add ayy aq NOK Kou “9 “nos awonjon 990 you) asunsea4d K9g 410 09N| BUIOUIOS =H mA “nour nay» 20508 p. sdoysod Snax | asa AUEPAN. 2 Ie Ypaods Suu yROGE NO INE PIO v 9A “um ‘Yoeranaornins savsaserns "pV ANONAVH SUOMI \ocrtaozmag ravaasaxis “LVS ANORAWE MOWEDCCuaoTc HARMONY THEATRE SHAKESPEARE ScuZOPHRENTA E: (overcome with bis) I do, ‘King: Speak up... can’t hear a thing back here! (annoyed) Ido, 1 do, ‘And do you, the Spanish Infant, She does, she does, she does... just get on with ounce you man and ind soreams) May I have a word. 1o left front of stage) My heartiest congratulations, My lord, It was excellently done wast very happy 1o have been a part of this happiness To see you happily wedded, my lord (On right stage, Hamlet and Ophelia are being married) A: Do you, prince Hamlet, take this woman, countess Ophelia, to be your lawl wedded wife? You... you... tumnip-faced, brussel-sprouted, brocoliled... egg-plant! ‘My Tord, you are bectroot~ed in de face! Are you alight? | now pronounce you man and wile (@horoughly aggravated) you've ruined everything! Yes, my lord... (pauses) No, my lord, Ruined what my lord? Tam going to stuf a turip up your nose and tis it until it mashes up your weasel brain! And then I'm going to ce pera Epmeee (fanfare mosic starts. Infants comes and drags Edmund to centre stage to dance) Bh (shrugs shoulders and joins inthe dance) sie fades slightly. The King and Queen ruse goblets to audience) King & Queen: Alls well that ends well... don't you agree? (lights of? and spotlight on Edmund on the other end of the stage) E: Absolutely not! (eft spotlight OFF. Right spotlight on) Witches: (huddled at top of font stairs) And so, prince Edmund marries hb Spanish prinosss and they unhappily ever ater ‘THE END 3