PA R E N T I N G

YO U R L I F E

empty
LESSONS from an

LESSON

DONT WISH TIME AWAY

LIVE IN THE MOMENT
Every stage of childhood is different
some more testing than others but its
important to live in the moment and to
not wish time away. When its over, you
cant have it back. I have just returned
from a month backpacking in India with
the girls. I just woke up one morning and
said I wanted to go to India and Sarah said
she was keen too. A week later, the three
of us were there. I followed the girls
wherever they wanted to go and it was
the most fabulous bonding time. I got to
know another side of them and we shared
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GOODHOUSEKEEPING.CO.ZA May 2016

some rare and precious moments bed

bugs included.
GILL ALLDERMAN Artist and curator,
Cape Town
Mother of Sarah, 24, and Hannah, 20

LESSON

HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE

OF YOUR CHILDREN
My heart is broken! My daughter, Brogan,
left home three months ago to move in
with her boyfriend. I miss her terribly.
I am a single mom and I only realise now
that I have no real life outside of being
a mom. Its like starting all over again
alone and its frightening. I go into her

NEST

When your children

leave home, it can
be tough adjusting
to life without them,
but its not all bad.
Deborah Herd
finds out what
empty-nesters
want you to know

room to try to smell her. I have cried all

the way to work many a day. We did so
much together. I bought all her clothes
(I know what looks great on her), packed
her lunch, washed her clothes and sat in
hospitals through the night. In the past
four years, Brogan was diagnosed with
lupus, epilepsy and osteoarthritis.
Its a big adjustment, but I know shell
be okay. Im not so sure about me. Im
slowly putting myself back together, but
its hard. I need to find hobbies, exercise
and get out there, but I always find excuses
not to. My advice to single parents any
parents is to have a life outside of your
children. Its very important.
TRACY LANE PA, Johannesburg

Mother of Brogan, 25

LESSON

LESSON

LESSON

SPEND TIME TOGETHER

PUT A PLAN IN PLACE
REKINDLE THE ROMANCE
evenings and weekends that
NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE Afternoons,
WITH YOUR HUSBAND
used to be filled with the kids activities
When your baby is born, everyone tells
you to enjoy it because it goes so fast.
I didnt find that was the case when my
kids were babies. The days and nights
seemed long! But once they started
school and were busy with homework,
extramurals and playdates the years
just flew past. When high school came
along, it felt almost as though they had
already left home.
So, yes, youve heard it before, but
you really do need to make time for
your kids, especially when they are
busy teenagers, and make memories
together. Play board games, go for
hikes (getting them to agree to go
might be hard, but theyll enjoy it once
they are there), cook together, run in
the rain. These are the times you and
they will remember once they have
moved out.
YASMIN PADAYACHEE Sales manager,

Durban
Mother of Micaela, 22, and Uli, 20
LESSON

PHOTOGRAPHY: GALLO IMAGES/GETTY IMAGES

LOOK FORWARD TO THE

FLUIDITY OF LIFE WITH
YOUNG ADULTS
Children never really leave home these
days. There is a continual ebb and
flow in and out of the house. They leave
to study or go overseas, but often they
come back.
Alexa is studying and lives at home
(again). Kerri is working and shares
a flat with two other young women, but
a week doesnt go by that she doesnt
walk through the front door, whether
its for a meal, a TV-series catch-up or
to do a load of laundry.
Were all adults now, which means
the push and pull of grown-up
personalities, but if you walk the dog,
unpack the dishwasher, cook a meal
and leave the room when Im watching
Shameless, all is good in my world.
ROBYN VON GEUSAU Journalist,

Cape Town
Mother of Kerri, 25, and Alexa, 22

can now be filled with your activities. Be

careful time tends to get filled up with
stuff whether you plan it or not. Rather
plan and choose how you want to fill
this time. Instead of watching hours of
mindless TV, do activities that you used
to do before kids. Go to the movies at 5pm
during the week. Do volunteer work. Find
a course for couples. Study together. Have
long and leisurely Saturday breakfasts.
Talk about dreams and what you want for
the next few years. Talk about your life
before kids and what your interests were
then. Is there anything you wish to
rekindle? Go on a holiday that you have
desired for a while. Spoil yourself.
If you are battling to find a new purpose
and meaning in your life, get professional
help. There is no need to struggle through
this new phase of your life on your own.

KIRSTEN LONG Communication-skills

coach, Johannesburg
Mother of Morgan, 25, Natasha, 23, and
Cayla, 21
LESSON

TRUST THAT YOU HAVE

RAISED YOUR CHILDREN WELL
Both my children left home when they
were 21 and my greatest fear was that
they were not ready for the world, that
I had not prepared them well. During their
childhood I often worked nights and they
learnt to be very independent, which
I think helped them, but its a scary world
and there are lots of temptations. When
they first left, I worried all the time about
where they were and what they were
doing, and who they were with. But when
they came home to visit, they always
reassured me that they knew right from
wrong, and understood the value of hard
work and honesty.
Im so proud of them and, in truth, Im
enjoying having a tidy home and more
space to myself, and not having to prepare
food all the time. Ive stopped worrying
as much.
BONISWA JONGE Nurse, Cape Town

Mother of Lisa, 24, and Michael, 22

I have four children and as they peeled away

to their respective exciting lives, it all felt
right. But as the youngest went into matric,
I became afraid of empty-nest syndrome.
He, however, had to work hard for a place
at Stellenbosch University and this kept me
very invested in his success. Because I knew
how determined he was despite slight
dyslexia, I was fired up alongside him. Yet
I still feared the day that he would move on.
When it arrived, there was such jubilation
that we had succeeded in getting him into
university that once he was there, instead of
missing him, I enjoyed watching him grow.
I enjoyed having the house to myself for
the first time in 28 years. I loved the fact that
if I cleaned my kitchen, it was still clean five
minutes later. My husband and I enjoyed
the space to communicate without having
to take a herd of people into consideration
and I relished the opportunity to rekindle our
romance. I hadnt realised how challenging
it was for him to get close to me with the
childrens needs often taking priority.
TRACY CLIFFORD STATT Hypnotherapist,

Knysna
Mother of Haig, 30, Faye, 26, Kerry-Lee, 24,
and Cundell, 20
LESSON

DONT SHOUT SO MUCH

My second son went off to Rhodes University
this year and my eldest graduated last year.
He has taken a gap year and gone overseas.
The house is tidy, ordered and deadly
quiet. I miss their voices, their music, their
screaming in the pool and their banter. I dont
miss my shouting. Its only now that I have so
much time and space to myself and because
the house is so quiet that I realise how often
I yelled at the boys. Most often it was over
something that wasnt worth raising my
voice about, like sports bags being dumped
by the door or failing to take their plates to
the dishwasher and loading them. Usually,
I shouted because I was stressed. Shouting
only alienates you and distances you from
your children. Dont sweat the small stuff.
JANIE S* Homemaker, Johannesburg
Mother of Thomas, 21, and Christian, 18
* Name has been changed GH
May 2016 GOODHOUSEKEEPING.CO.ZA

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