2006 by John Wick. All rights reserved.

Published with permission of the author.

Any mention of trademarked and
copyrighted material is in no way intended
to be a challenge to those established
copyrights and trademarks but are used for
reference purposes only.
Cover and interior design by Daniel Solis.
(omnimancer@yahoo.com)

What I want you to do rst is remember this: it all starts with a lie.
Its a clever lie, but a lie nonetheless. I thought someone would pick
up on it. Someone did, but not enough to justify the lie. I thought I
was being clever. Too clever for my own good, it turns out. Someone
noticed. One person. At least, they were the only person who let me
know they noticed.
Wheres the lie? Thats a secret. Maybe, if youre a faithful reader and
true, Ill let you know at the end. In the meantime, lets take a walk, you
and me. Trust me, theres a destination, but we have to make a few stops
along the way.

A Short Apology
Let me explain...
Around the turn of the century, Pyramid Magazine editor Scott Haring
and I talked about a regular column about game mastering advice. Now,

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this should come as a surprise, seeing as Mr. Haring is a wise, scholarly

and level-headed fellow who should have known better. Then again,
as my buddy Jess Heinig so aptly comments, John put all his points in
Con Man.
(Thats not the case. Only half my points went there. The other half
went into Magician.)
Scott looked at an article I wrote for The Gaming Outpost (www.
gamingoutpost.com) and liked what he saw. Arrangements were made,
cash passed hands, and I began writing.
Scott and I both anticipated a strong reaction to the articles I was
writing, but neither of us could anticipate the outpouring of both
support and derision that slammed the Pyramid forums. I was called
both a visionary and a heretic, a heathen and a hero. Of course, I took
that to mean I was doing the right thing.
While preparing for this book, I re-read the episodes, looking where
I might be able to tighten up the text, but after reviewing the rst
episode, I decided against it. This book stands as a testimony to whom I
was that year. I like to think Im a better writer these days (note the use
of hope), but being honest about my past has recently become very
important to me for reasons Ill outline at a different time.
The John who wrote these episodes comes across to me more like a
younger brother than a younger version of myself. I can sympathize
with his anger, his joy, and his hope, but he seems like a different
person. The most important difference is the marital status. Younger,
angrier John is married; older, wiser John is not. And Jennifer is doing
just ne, by the way. We just had lunch last week and I got to rub her
tummy. Shes re-married and got all preggers. I joked, Johns a great
name. She promised shed think about it. Maybe a middle name, she
told me. When we said goodbye, we both had a touch of sadness in our
eyes. We always do. Happiness eclipses it, but theres no getting away
from the past. And its important to be honest about that.
But meeting her made me also think about these episodes. I went back
over my own les, re-read the words, laughed and winced. There was
more laughing than wincing. And hence, this little volume.

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JOHN WICK

Ive put that Gaming Outpost article right up there in front, so you can
know exactly where all this came from. Its Episode Zero. Thats the
article I had Scott read. I want to do this, I told him. He thought it
was a good idea. That was good enough for me.

A short apology. An explanation. Why did I do it? Why did I piss

off so many people, rattle so many cages, and create one of the most
controversial articles in Pyramids history?
It felt right at the time. And here, ve years later, it feels right again.

Breaking the Fifth Wall

Sheldon is a friend of mine. Hes an actor. Not like me, not the wannabe LARPer type who did some acting in high school and college and
community theater, but an actor for reals, busting his ass to make a
living in Los Angeles. And you know, hes pretty damn good at it, too.
When we talk about games and game design, we use a lot of occult
language. In other words, I use literary terms and he talks like an actor.
I talk about theme, metaphor, and plot. He talks about breaking the
fourth wall.
Its more than just addressing the audience, he tells me. Its making
the audience feel as if theyre a part of the event.
What about the fth wall? I ask him.
Whats that?
I smile. Making them feel that they are the event.

Someone very wise said that roleplaying games are the only medium
where the author and the audience are the same person. For me, that
little bit of wisdom has consumed my whole career as a game designer.
My buddy Jess (the Mighty Mighty Jess Heinig) loves LARPS. For him,
and myself, the entire point of roleplaying games are the immersion.

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Feeling in the moment. Not telling the story of the hero, but becoming
the hero. Not walking in his footsteps, but making the footsteps yourself.
Thats breaking the fth wall. Blurring the line between player and
character. Feeling your heart race, feeling your skin tingle, feeling the
moment burst inside you. All my life, Ive been trying to nd ways to do
that. My rst few attempts were proud stumbles, but as I keep going, my
stride becomes more condent, more assured. At least, I hope they are. I
hope Im not fooling myself. After all, I am a pretty good liar.
And that was the whole point of Play Dirty: to break that fth wall. To
accomplish what only roleplaying games can accomplish. You cant do it
with movies, you cant do it with novels, you cant do it with comics, you
cant even do it with theater. That moment when the dice fall from hand
to table, suspended there in the aether, all eyes waiting and watching and
in that one single moment, we are who we pretend to be. We feel the
same anticipation as our heroes, the same uncertainty, the same hope.

The Secret
All right now, I think it is time to reveal exactly what the lie is. The little
thing I put at the front.
Its at the beginning of Episode Zero. Pay attention and youll see it. I
say one thing, but demonstrate another. Thats the only clue you get.
Yeah, its a cheat. I admit that, but you did read the cover didnt you?
You knew what you were getting before you stepped in, right?
This aint about playing fair. Playing fair is for sissies. This is about
playing so hard it hurts. My hands are clean. Time to get em dirty again.

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Theres More Than One Way

To Kill A Champions Character
One of my favorite things about being a Game Master is watching players
bring me their characters for the rst time just before we begin to play.
The sheets are clean and white, waiting for the pizza stains and other scars
that they will acquire over the months and years of play. I carefully peek
over the sheets as the player watches, anxiously biting their lip, because
they know exactly what Im looking for.
You see, I have a bit of a reputation.
I kill characters.
A lot of characters.
Even in my Champions campaign, those big whopping 250 point monsters
dont stand a chance. But I dont kill characters with muscle-bound
monstrosities or lonely, brooding cigar chomping maniacs with razor
sharp claws. No, I kill characters in a very different manner all together.

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I hit them where it really hurts: where they spend their points.
This article is designed to show Game Masters how to use a characters
Disadvantages, Powers and Resources against him. The examples listed
here were used in my Champions campaign, but with a little creativity,
a GM can use these ideas in just about any game. Now before we begin,
let me introduce you to an old friend of mine.

Meet Jefferson Carter

Ive read dozens of books about heroes and crooks
And I learned much from both of their styles
Jimmy Buffett

Jefferson Carter is an NPC I use in a lot of my campaigns. As the head

of Carter Enterprises, he is a model millionaire. He donates millions
of dollars to charities, opens homeless shelters, ghts for the rights of
the working class and is always seen with the beautiful people. He is a
handsome face with a charitable, giving heart.
Carter Enterprises is also responsible for the founding of United
Superheroes (or, US). Using his vast funds, Carter brings together
the most enterprising and resourceful superheroes to ght crime in
the citys streets and root out corruption in the citys government. His
involvement with US has always been a public matter: he doesnt believe
that a good deed should ever remain anonymous. He defends the rights
of super heroes to help support the police department and other law
enforcement agencies. He was instrumental in passing The Vigilante
Act a few years back that made the acts of super heroes legal and has a
staff of the best lawyers in the nation on payroll to keep his employees
out of jail and on the streets.
In short, Jefferson Carter is the best friend a superhero could have.
And with friends like him well, I think you nish that one by
yourself.

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Carters Secret
Hold your allies close to you,
but hold your enemies closer.
The Tao of Shinsei

Jefferson Carter is a meta-human. Carter has many abilities that allow

him to seek out a heros most precious secrets, then he uses those secrets
against them.
In my Champions campaign, even if the heroes werent employed by
US, Carter would still consider them employees. In fact, those heroes
would be an even greater challenge to his intellect and resources.
Why has Carter gone to all this trouble?
The answer is simple.
Because he can.
Carter is a mastermind, a genius beyond mortal measurement. Ever
since his childhood, he has played human chess with his teachers
and playmates. His acquired fortune came about from his ability to
manipulate the minds and lives of mortals, and now he has learned to
manipulate the minds and lives of meta-mortals.
In short, he is causing pain, misery and conict for his own enjoyment.
And, dont forget, hes doing it for his employees. After all, he provided
for the Vigilante Act. He provided United Superheroes. He equips and
trains the supervillains they encounter. Carter is the reason they are
living the life they are. And if his tricks and traps take out one or two
heroes here and there oh well. What is life without a little risk, eh?

The Method
Now down to the nitty gritty.
Carter looks for a heros greatest weakness and exploits it until the
character breaks. Listed below some of the more popular Disadvantages
Champions characters take. Under each one is a method I used (Carter
used) to get at the character.

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Just a friendly warning: some of these techniques may be considered by

some GMs to be underhanded. For those GMs who feel that they
should be fair and arbitrary (as I so often hear), I suggest they look up
fair and arbitrary in the dictionary.
Then, we can talk.

DNPC
For those of you who dont recognize DNPC, it stands for Dependent
Non-Player Character. I understand its a fairly common Disadvantage
among players, but after this little stunt, I had a severe shortage of
DNPCs in my campaign.
One of my more resourceful heroes was a young lady named Malice. She
was a martial artist who had a poison touch. She was fast, deadly and very
lucky. She was also a big, fat thorn in Carters side. She was getting too
close to his secret, so he decided to retire her.
When she wasnt running around in black tights, Malice was taking
care of her aging grandmother. Grandmama was not too fond of those
costumed heroes, especially that Malice girl. She looked like a hussy in
that tight little costume. And what right did they have to do a police
mans job? Grandpa was a police man, after all (and the main inspiration
for Malice to turn to a life of adventuring). In short, it would break
Grandmamas heart if she found out about her granddaughters secret.
By now, you should be getting the picture. Just show Grandmama
pictures of her granddaughter getting into the Malice costume and
everything will be hunky dory, right?
Wrong.
When Carter does things, he does them with style.
On Grandmamas seventieth birthday, Malice took her out to her
favorite restaurant. In the middle of the meal, one of Malices most
hated enemies showed up on the roof with a bomb. Of course, Malice
made an appearance. Her enemy (who knew she would show up) was

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prepared. He had a single agenda and he stuck to it. In the middle of the
ght, he hit her with a paralyzing ray, ripped off her mask and threw her
through the glass ceilingright in front of Grandmama. The combined
shock of seeing her granddaughter get thrown through the glass ceiling,
fall fty feet and slam to the oor was shocking enough. Add to it the
realization that her granddaughter was that masked hussy was a bit too
much for Grandmama to handle.
Her heart seized, and as Malice watched on, trapped in her paralyzed
body, her grandmother died.
Malice retired the very next day and nobody ever bought a DNPC again.

Berserk
I love this one. Whenever I get to take a character away from a player for
a while, explain that theyve been unconscious and then have them wake
up with blood on their hands is a chance to have some real fun.
I had one of those berserking scrapper guys in my campaign for a short
while. His name was Scrapper (I didnt pick the name, guys) and he got
hired on at US for only a short while. The player knew all the Champions
loop-holes and he exploited every one. Instead of asking What kind of
idiot do you think I am? I let him have his little combat monster, keeping
a steady eye on his Berserk Disadvantage.
After a couple of sessions, I got complaints from players. They
complained that the character was nothing but a walking bundle of
powers, a glory-hound and a bad role-player. I agreed, but asked them
to be patient. After seeing a familiar wicked glint in my eye, they smiled
quietly to themselves and waited for the hammer to fall.
The next session, they encountered one of my favorite villains. His name
is Mindbender, and you can gure out the rest. Mindbender took one
look at Scrapper and he knew what to do. He invoked a little mental
heavy artillery and before Scrapper knew it, I was rolling dice, making
a regretful look and asking him to make his Berserk roll. Now Scrapper
only goes Berserk when he sees red trolley cars (his mother was killed

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by a run-away red trolley car). He knew there were no trolley cars in

Minneapolis and asked me why he was going Berserk. I told him he was
seeing trolley cars wherever he looked and he had no choice but to make
the roll - and make it at -5, at that. After all, he was surrounded by the
bloody things.
He failed the roll, went nuts and I took away his character sheet. At that
moment, Scrapper starting attacking everything in sight, including his
buddies. They had no chance but to defend themselves against a little
rule-bending combat monster who was going at them full tilt. His little
rampage caused a whole lot of damage and took out a small childs eye
before they got him under control. The parents sued US, Scrapper was
brought up on charges of negligence and reckless endangerment of life
and spent the next twenty years in prison.
I suggested to Scrappers player that he should be more careful with his
Disadvantages. Surprisingly enough, the next character he made was a
little more respectful of the rules. Go gure.

Psychological Limitations
Some of the most powerful Disadvantages are Psy Lims. Codes of
Conduct are always fun to play with. One of our heroes, a guy named
Tristan Thomas who went by the name of Paladin, had a pair of
interesting Limitations. He would not strike a woman, no matter what
the circumstances, and he was a rm believer in The Law. He would
not tolerate any infringement of the law, not in himself and not in
others. Of course, this provided me with a whole bunker of ammo to
use against him.
The rst thing I did was have him fall in love with a pretty little librarian
Angie Isolde. That should have been enough of a clue for him, but
unfortunately (for him), he didnt pick up on it. You see, Angie was a
renegade super named Vengeance. She had no license to practice and
often found herself at odds with US. Neither of them knew their Secret
Identities, and Paladin was beginning to develop a nice, healthy hatred
for Vengeance. She had picked up on his dont strike women code

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(thanks to Mr. Carters agents) and would somehow always know where
Paladin was. She would chose the day and date of her attacks carefully,
embarrassing him at every opportunity.
As the rivalry between Vengeance and Paladin heated up, so did the
romance between Angie and Thomas. When the time was right,
Carter arranged for a subtle drug to get slipped into Paladins system
that would drive him to the edge just at the right moment. He met up
with Vengeance (right on schedule) and as she prepared for another
opportunity to humiliate him, the drug kicked in and he started in on
the unprepared super-babe. Needless to say, under his drugged state,
he demolished the poor girl (he had 50 more points to play with, after
all). When he gained control, he realized what he had done and watched
as the police (who were conveniently called in on the scene by an
anonymous tip) took off her mask and carted his beloved off to prison.

Luck
Okay, you say. Thats just ne taking advantage of a characters
disadvantages. Thats no new trick. So what?
All right, how about using a characters advantages against him?
Talents can be a Champions characters worst enemy. Luck is a great
example. Players buy Luck for their characters all the time. Its like a
little security blanket. It makes them feel as if they have something to
fall back on if everything goes bad.
The denition of Luck is that quality which helps events turn out in
the characters favor. Okay, that sounds ne, but trust me, a good GM
can nd bad in just about anything.
Remember, Luck isnt contagious. Making a character Lucky does
not make the whole group Lucky. Characters who buy Luck tend to
be a little self-centered. After all, they would rather spend points on
something that will get them out of trouble, rather than something that
would compliment or aid the group. So, get the group in trouble, let the
Luckster roll his way out of it, then make him wish he didnt. Its called
the frying pan and re technique and heres how it works.

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11

Imagine the group getting hit by some area effect weapon. Of course,
the Luckster wants to roll his way out of it. You tell him thats ne and
he makes his luck roll. He ies out of the effect and looks back to see his
buddies frying.
(Feel free to apply guilt here. After all, he could have grabbed someone
to y out with him, right?)
Then, right after hes out of the blast radius, have him notice that hes
own right into a mob of supervillains, just ready and willing to pound
on one lone hero. Lets see him Luck his way out of a combined total of
1,500 points of hard-hitting villains. If only he had stayed behind
Or perhaps by Lucking out hes put his buddies in deeper trouble.
For instance, lets use the area effect weapon again. Perhaps one of his
powers could have countered the effect? If he had stayed behind, hed
have been able to help them out. But he chose to Luck out, and now his
buddies are frying. Good thing hes Lucky, isnt it?
Another example. The character is in an airport. Hes in the rest room
and he stumbles across an envelope somebody dropped. He opens the
envelope and discovers its lled with thousand dollar bills. Get you get
any more lucky? Of course, the money belongs to a crime syndicate or
something even more diabolical, and theyre going to be looking for
that money and who found it (of course, they believe the hero stole
it). And all of this trouble because the character was Lucky.

Immunity
Immunity gives a character supernatural immunity to diseases and
poisons. Its a very popular advantage. Of course, Mr. Carter had to do
something about that.
I had his scientists come up with a disease that would kill off anyone
with the super gene that meta-humans had. Carter had a cure, of
course. The only problem was all those super fellows who bought
Immunity were, well, immune to it.

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Find Weakness
My favorite trick has to do with Find Weakness. This little puppy lets
characters observe their enemies to nd a weakness in the defenses of a
target. The better they roll, the more damage they can do.
A lot of combat monsters take this one. I always let them. They only use
it once.
Carter designs supervillains with a weakness the heroes can exploit.
These villains he calls his throw-aways: punks he can throw at the
heroes to watch their ghting styles and skills. He shows the heroes
lms of the throw-aways and shows them the weakness hes found.
Then he sends them out to confront the baddie, armed with the
knowledge hes given them. They nd the throw-away, engage him, nd
his weakness and hit him as hard as they can.
This little strategy always has the same result.
The villains eyes go wide, he mumbles something about forgiveness and
the hero watches the life slip out of his eyes.
Killing a villain is a major crime. Heroes are expected to bring the bad
guys in alive. But theres no need to worry. The hero can rest assured
that Mr. Carters lawyers will take care of everything.

The Retirement of Mr. Fabulous

One last story that I cant take full credit for.
One of my players, my buddy Danny, came to me after a game session
with a problem. He had been playing a character for the whole run
of the game, a very popular character who went by the name Mr.
Fabulous.
Out of all my Champions campaigns, Mr. Fabulous was one of my
favorite characters. He was a modest little superhero with just a little
bit of super strength, speed and endurance and a whole lot of heart. He
dressed up in a colorful costume and fought for truth, justice and the

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13

American Way because it was the right thing to do. He always took a
morning jog along Hennipen Boulevard and a mob of kids would follow
him as far as they could. He bought ice cream and hot dogs at the little
mom and pop drug store on the corner for lunch and he always had time
for an autograph.
Oh, and he fought crime, too.
That night, Danny told me that Mr. Fabulous was going to retire. He
really loved the character, but he felt it was time to let him take off his
mask and get on with his imminent middle age years. We talked about
it for a while and I gave him a suggestion. At rst he was shocked, but
then, as he thought about it, he agreed it was the only way to end the
story of Mr. Fabulous. We shook hands and the very next week, the
event we discussed took place.
Mr. Fabulous did indeed announce his intention to retire. Carter and
US throw a huge party to celebrate Mr. Fabulous twenty years of
ghting crime. The event was on the front page of every newspaper in
the nation.
On the morning before his retirement, Mr. Fabulous stopped in the
mom and pop drug store for his ice cream and hot dog. A young kid
with frightened eyes was there with a gun, taking money out of the
register. Mr. Fabulous held up his hands and tried to talk the kid into
putting the gun down. The kid, with eyes full of tears, lowered the
pistol. For some reason, Mr. Fabulous Danger Sense wouldnt stop
ringing in his ears. He turned around a little too late and took a bullet
from the kids older brother right in the face.
The ambulance arrived ten minutes after the incident. Mr. Fabulous was
found, barely alive and in shock. They turned off the siren ve minutes
outside of the hospital.
The death of Mr. Fabulous was a dark day in my campaign. He was one
of the rst super heroes, a mentor to more than half of the members
of United Superheroes. A national day of mourning was held and we
spent an entire game session on the funeral, listening to each superhero
talking about their memories of their hero.

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What did this accomplish? What does this little incident have to do with
using a characters Disadvantages against them? Well, every character
has one single disadvantage in common, and it isnt on their character
sheet. Sometimes we dont see it, and it often becomes invisible in a
superhero campaign. That little Disadvantage is that each and every one
of us is mortal. In the world of superheroes, we sometimes forget this.
While each of us would like to live forever, it is often a characters death
that denes him, not his life. Mr. Fabulous died trying to talk a scared
little kid out of doing the wrong thing. He could have pounded the hell
out of him, but he didnt. He died trying to stop a crime without using
his sts.
What was Mr. Fabulous Disadvantage? He had a Code vs. Killing.
Carter found out about it and set up the whole incident. But this time,
his little gambit backred on him. He thought killing Mr. Fabulous in
a simple robbery would dishearten the superheroes of Minneapolis. He
was wrong. It brought them together, creating a bond that could not be
broken. And he was sloppy. One of the heroes began digging and found
out the kids were paid to commit the crime. It was the beginning of the
end for Mr. Carter.
But thats another story.
In which the Author introduces himself, reveals why Chumbawumba
is the key to great game mastering, then discloses why everything you
know is wrong.

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15

Hello.
My name is John Wick. I believe weve met before. No? Funny, your
face is familiar. Well, if I am hallucinating, maybe I should introduce
myself. Ive served a term with a company called Alderac Entertainment
Group, and while there, I was a staff writer for Shadis Magazine,
Continuity/Story editor for three collectible card games, wrote three
roleplaying games along with over two dozen supplements, helped
design a collectible dice game, and bunches more.
Now-a-days, Im starting up my own little game company, writing about
orks and uxes, freelancing for folks who can tolerate me and keeping
up with a regular weekly column over at the Gaming Outpost. Ive also
got a day job, but dont tell my wife that. Shell wanna know where the
money is. Oh, and Im married to a girl named Jennifer. Been that way
for two years on December 31. Got a dog, two cats and a rat.
So, thats me. And now that were all acquainted, maybe I should get to
the job that Im here to do. You know. Talk about Game Master stuff.

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Thats why youre reading all of this, right? To see what Ive got to say
about nasty, underhanded, sinister and otherwise praetorian (like that one?
I paid four bucks for it) tricks to play on unsuspecting, innocent, naive and
culpable players.
But before I get started, Id like to lay a couple of ground rules. After all,
the title of this column could be a little deceptive. Were here to talk about
GM tricks. Nasty GM tricks that would make Ol Grimtooth himself do a
double-take. What we are not here for is killing characters. Nobody wants
to play with a Killer GM.
But everybody wants to play with a Dirty GM.
Just to make sure you know what Im talking about, lets spend a moment
or two dening terms. In some circlesthe ones I was educated inthats a
pretty important step.
A Killer GM is someone who takes glee in destroying characters. He kills
them without remorse, without compassion, without care. He does it
because he can. Gives him some sort of sick rush.
This is bad.
A Dirty GM, on the other hand, is someone who uses every dirty trick in
the book to challenge the players. Keeping them off balance with guerrilla
tactics, he increases the players enjoyment with off-beat and unorthodox
methods, forcing them to think on their feet, use their improvisational skills
and keep their adrenaline pumping at full speed.
This is good.
So, now that were all speaking the same language, lets get down to business.

The rst step to becoming a Dirty GM involves a little syndrome I call The
Die Hard Effect. (Ive talked about this before in other places, so Ill keep
it brief.) Essentially, all players want their characters to be John McClane.
You know, the guy Bruce Willis plays in the Die Hard lms. They want to be
knocked down, punched out, bloody, battered and beaten.
But (and this is an important but, folks), every time they get knocked
down, they want to be able to get back up.

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17

Thats right. Just like the Chumbawumba song.

Being Irish, it just comes to me naturally.
Players want to be a bloody mess at the end of the adventure, but they
still want to win. And they want to feel like they won by the skin of their
teeth. They want to think that last die roll was the luckiest one they ever
made. They want to feel that their characters lives were hanging in the
balance, ready to fall like a pin hanging on the edge of a precipice.
Thats what players want.
And thats what a Dirty GM gives them.
Because he throws stuff at them that they never counted on. He uses
techniques that are so outside the mainstream that they hit the players
like a left hook to the jaw. He uses everything at his disposal to knock
them downso they can get back up just in time to dodge the next hit.
All of this comes under the basic premise that the GM is there for the
players enjoyment; hes providing them what they want. Thats the
GMs job. When its all said and done, the Game Masters fun is helping
his friends have fun. At least, thats the way Ive always seen it.

Bad Guy Corwin

Now, on to the Game Mastering advice.
Im going to be using a very specic method in this here column. First,
Ill explain a technique, and then Ill give you a practical application. In
other words, Im going to tell you, then Im going to show you. The
rst technique well employ is something a friend of mine nicknamed
The Bad Guy Corwin Technique. He dubbed it thus because he rst
saw me use it in my Amber Diceless Roleplaying Game, but you can use
it in just about any licensed game. In fact, you can use it in almost any
RPG setting the players are familiar with. It works something like this.
We get to see Roger Zelaznys famous Chronicles of Amber through the
eyes of one character: Prince Corwin. (For those of you who dont know
a single thing about Amber, heres the run-down. Youve got one real

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world and everything else is just a pale imitation of that one real world.
Even Earth isnt real, its just a shadow of this place called Amber.
That means that everyone living on these shadows arent real either,
and the only real people are those from Amber. Amberites can walk
through shadows and are ten times faster, stronger and smarter than us
shadow-people. And because theyre the only real people, the only folks
that are worth challenging are their own siblings, making Amber a hotbed of political and military intrigue. Thats the gist of it. Now go read
the books and nd out what youre missing.)
As you read along, you watch his transformation from egocentric
bastard to sympathetic martyr. The change is incredible.
A little too incredible if you ask me. Corwin himself admits that hes
not an entirely trustworthy narrator. When I started planning an Amber
campaign, I decided to take that statement to the extreme. I based the
idea on a great little book by Philip Jos Farmer called The Other Log of
Phileas Fogg. In that book, Farmer uses all the mistakes (not a very pretty
word, but an accurate one) Verne and his editors missed in Around the
World in 80 Days and uses them to build a quiet conspiracy the likes even
Umberto Eco has never seen. When a character has his glass in his left
hand in one passage, then in his right in another, thats not a mistake
its a clue! Its a brilliant little book whose methods have inspired me on
many occasions.
On this occasion, I decided to use the same technique on Zelaznys
Amber. I told my players that theyd be making characters that were sons
and daughters of the Elder Amberites (the characters from the books),
but the game would take place during the time of the novels. Theyd
get to witness all the cool stuff that was going on and ll in the blanks
that Corwin never quite lled in. They made up their characters and got
ready to watch the events of the novels unfold.
But things didnt go exactly as planned. Not by a long shot. In fact,
within one hour of gameplay, they were as jittery as a junkie waiting
for his x. You see, everything was wrong. That is, everything was
happening the way it did in the books, but Corwins role was a lot
different than the role he spelled out on the page.
In other words, he lied. A lot.

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As soon as the players thought they had things gured out, I threw
another loop at them, playing off their assumptions and using those
same assumptions to set them up for nasty traps. Heres an example.
In Amber, its possible to go out into shadow and nd a perfect (albeit
inferior) duplicate of yourself. After all, anything an Amberite can
imagine is out in shadow, you just have to be willing to look for it. At
the end of the rst book, Corwin is imprisoned for four years in the
bowels of Castle Amber. Whats worse, he has his eyes burned out. The
player who took the role of Corwins nephew didnt like that one single
bit.
But theres a snag, you see.
That aint Corwin down in the dungeon. Its his shadow.
And so, all through the rest of the series, the Corwin thats telling the
reader his story is a shadow who believes hes Corwin, while the Real
Deal is behind the scenes, operating unseen, manipulating events while
his dummy-self keeps everybodys attention.
And make no mistake, Corwin is a bastard.
Now for those of you who dont read or play Amber, heres another
example so you can get a picture of what Im talking about.

Good Guy Vader

Chew on this.
In The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda warns Luke about the Dark Side of
the Force: Once you turn down the dark path, forever will it dominate
your destiny.
Yeah. Right. And the Good Side makes you want to sleep with your
sister and kill your father.
Think about it for a second. What if Vader aint such a bad guy? What
if Vader only wants to be reunited with his son, overthrow the Emperor
and rule with his boy at his side? What if he wasnt lying? And what if
Kenobi and Yoda are just playing a very complicated game of revenge?

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Watch A New Hope again. Watch the scene with Kenobi and Luke in
the old guys house when R2-D2 shows the video of the fair princess
begging for help. Kenobi turns to Luke and says, You must come with
me to Alderan and learn the ways of the Force. Whats good-hearted,
sweet-faced Ben Kenobi trying to do there? Hes using the Old Jedi
Mindtrick! Watch it! Watch Luke staring at him with glassy eyes!
Watch Luke pull away (because the Force is too strong in him). Then
watch Kenobi use Lukes desires against him. I need your help Luke.
She needs your help.
Yeah, Luke. You know what she needs.
They even lie to him. They tell him his father was betrayed and
killed by Vader. And no, it aint a different point of view. Its a lie. My
mommy taught me better than that. Kenobi and Yoda manipulate Luke
all through the lms, trying to convince him that the Dark Side isnt
stronger, just quicker, easier and more seductive.
Lets think on that for a while.
The Dark Side is quicker to learn, easier to learn and just as powerful?
Where do I sign up?
And for those of you who are saying, Yeah, but itll forever dominate
your destiny!, I got one thing to ask you. Did Ol Emperor Palpatine
look all that dominated to you when he was frying Lukes skull with blue
lightning? Ever see Yoda or Kenobi do the blue lightning trick? I didnt
think so. He was the absolute ruler of the Universe! Come on! If thats
dominated, Id hate to see liberty.
Oh, wait. Thats right. Liberty is living in a desert wasteland scaring
Sand People for fun. Or how about rotting away on a mudhole hiding
out from the big guy in black armor that can kill you with a ick of his
wrist. You know. The one thats got his destiny dominated. The one
with his own Star Destroyer.
You can use the Bad Guy Corwin technique in just about any game
thats licensed from lm or literature.
Think about Bad Guy Gandalf or Bad Guy Aragorn.
Think about Good Guy Doctor Doom or Good Guy Lex Luthor.

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21

Think about Bad Guy Picard or Bad Guy Kirk.

If youre willing to look, youll nd the patterns.
The Bad Guy Technique throws players assumptions out the window
and forces them to think on their feet. Everything they believe they
know is now wrong. It doesnt matter if they own every little sourcebook
on every little subject, because everything is up for grabs.
And once their condence is shaken, once they dont know where
theyre going, theyll realize that theres nothing they can count onbut
themselves.
Thats a great starting point for that lil thing we call the Heros Journey.
And you havent broken a single rule or fudged a single die roll. But
youre still playing dirty.

Convinced? How about a little shaken? You pullin out your copies of
the Star Wars Trilogy, ready to look for more? Congratulations. Youve
just graduated Dirty GM 101. And, by the wayWelcome to the Dark
Side. Hope you enjoy your stay.

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EPISODE 1

GETTING DIRTY

23

Its time to set the record straight. You see, me and a friend of mine have
been getting some bad press lately, and while I dont mind if people talk
trash about me (not that much, anyway), my buddy does care. Whats
worse, he usually does something about it. Something rather violent.
And so, the purpose of this second episode of Play Dirty is devoted to
explaining the often misunderstood actions of one of my oldest friends,
Jefferson Carter.
In many ways, I am responsible for all the talk people have been
spreading about Carter. After all, it was my own article on the Gaming
Outpost that introduced many people to Jefferson and his methods.
So, in order to move forward, in order to give you a complete
understanding of the Man, lets take a couple of steps back. Then, and
only then, can you fully understand. (If you havent read the article yet,
dont. Not just yet. Wait for a moment or two. Ill tell you when you
should go read it. Be patient, all will be revealed in time.)
Lets start in 1988, when I rst started college at the University of
Minnesota. I was a game master, running a regular Call of Cthulhu game

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on Thursday nights (CoC being my rst love, the rst game I ever
bought and the rst game I ever playedwell, ran). The game gained
quite a reputation. Everyone else was running games that were far
more forgiving of PC error. I did everything I could to make the game
legendary at the campus, including using every single last suggestion the
rulebook threw at me. I even used a few suggestions from other games,
most notably Paranoia, to keep the players on their toes. After all, if the
mortality rate stayed high, people would know I meant business.
Soon enough, surviving Johns Call of Cthulhu game became a kind
of badge of honor. People wore buttons to the weekly meetings with
numbers on them, indicating how many sessions they survived through
so far. The highest number (I believe) was a young fellow who boasted a
17. He never read a single book, never cast a single spell, and always had
three sticks of dynamite on his body every moment of every day. He also
had a panic button that detonated the dynamitejust in case.
Well, after a year and a half, I wanted to run a different game. After
all, I was the guy who ran Cthulhu, and that kind of reputation didnt
settle with me. I didnt want to get stuck in a genre, I wanted to be the
guy who ran damn good games. So I announced I was capping off my
Cthulhu game and would run a new campaign in a completely different
genre. Something that no-one would suspect.
The next week, I brought Champions to the table.
Now, keep in mind the reputation I already earned around the club:
John Wick chews up characters and spits them out like juiceless jerky. I
liked that reputation; it served two very important purposes. First, like I
said above, it meant that people knew I meant business. You screw up in
Johns game, it costs you. Second, it meant that people were very careful
in my games. They were afraid for their characters lives. (I still practice
that strategy to this day. At every con I attend, I run the I kill em, I
keep em game. People bring their Legend of the Five Rings characters
to the game, and if a character dies, I keep the character sheet. That
way, folks know that theyre playing for keeps. It works well in a samurai
game, with the players knowing that theyre always four feet away from
death. Final. Permanent. Death.)

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THE RETURN OF JEFFERSON CARTER

25

I was faced with a difcult decision. I could maintain the same strategy
for the Champions game, or I could adopt a much more heroic mentality.
I decided to do both. Inspired by Frank Millers Born Again series
(a book that every superhero fan should read), I decided to keep the
rules the way they were (meaning characters were very difcult to kill)
while hitting them in places they never knew they could be hurt. But I
wouldnt kill them.
I wouldnt kill a single character.
In a few weeks, it became obvious that mortality in Wicks superhero
game was not an issue. It was now all about Willpower. (This is the
point you should go read Hit em Where It Hurts over at the Gaming
Outpost. Even if youve read it before, you may want to freshen up.
You can nd it at the Gaming Outpost (do it now, then come back here.
Well talk about it when youre done).
(And, speaking of Willpower, it is very difcult for me not to spend the
rest of this column defending that article. I might slip once or twice. If
I do, I apologize. If Im humanrather than divinefor a moment or
two, I hope youll forgive me. Us game designers gotta get forgiveness
whenever we can.)
(And, one last parenthetical statement. Instead of saying players as if
I understand the totality of gaming, I should say, in my experience, the
players Ive game mastered for. However, just saying players is a bit
easier on my ngers and on your eyes. Sorry for the confusion.)
So, now you know the devious plot of Mister Jefferson Carter. You know
his motives and you know his methods. A serious bastard, that Carter
fellow. Evil down to the core.
In other words, an evil worth ghting. What would you give up to
eliminate the Carters of the world? What sacrice is too great?
Lets pretend for a moment. Were roleplayers, we can do that. Lets
pretend that God Himself comes down from Heaven with a list of
Carters. He tells you, Pick one, and Ill remove him from the planet,
erase him forever from Existence. Then, the Lord looks you in the eye
and says, But you have to give something up. Something precious.

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Would you do it?

Would you give up your life to make sure that no such person as
Jefferson Carter ever existed in our world? How about a limb? How
about a loved one? How about your sight or hearing or touch or taste
or smell?
What price is too high to erase evil?
Theres a few of you out there who are saying, No price is too high. (I
agree with you, at least, in theory. But I have to be honest; I dont know
if I could give up my wife to get rid of Carter. I dont know if I have that
much courage in my heart.)
How about... your Aunt May?
(Was that a low blow? I cant tell anymore.)
The point here should be obvious. Heroes, real heroes, are willing to
pay any cost to rid the world of its Jefferson Carters. Any cost at all. I
only told you about the characters who failed, who lost resolve.
You see, Carter and I were partners in crime. However, I wasnt
completely honest with him. (This is where the apology starts.) While
he believed we were crushing characters, I had a secret agenda.
I was testing them. Pushing them. Pushing them beyond any limits they
had set for themselves. Because a hero isnt measured by how many
times he gets knocked down, hes measured by how many times he
gets back up. When Carter arranged for that villain to crash Malices
little party (sorry about the pun), I was watching her closely. When her
grandmother died, she had a choice. She could hang up her cape and
cowl, or she could ght through the grief, ght through the pain and
keep going. She failed. She gave up.
So many of them failed. So many of them gave up.
But they werent heroes. They were quitters.
There was one hero in the campaign, but well talk about him at the
end. After all, it was his death that started me and Carters downfall.
Time and time again, players kept redesigning new characters, thinking

EPISODE 2

THE RETURN OF JEFFERSON CARTER

27

they created the ultimate anti-Wick character. Lets see him kill this
one! theyd say.
But they kept missing the point. I never killed anyone. I just pushed
them. Pushed them as hard as I could, as far as I could. Some kept
ghting the good ght. Others gave up and left, disgruntled that theyd
been Wick-ed (a term someone on the Pyramid discussion boards just
recently invented). I never killed them. But they always alwaysgave up.
Soon, my Champions game became as legendary as my Cthulhu game.
Just try and survive in any Wick campaign was the battle cry around
the club. Hell screw you seven ways to Sunday.
But a few stuck it out. A few of them found themselves on the Short
End of the Wick Stick (the term from school; the one I preferfor
those of you who care) and kept on going, no matter what the cost to
their characters.
Those are the ones who were the real heroes.
And those are the ones who brought down Carter/Wick Demolition
Inc. Remember Mister Fabulous? Remember his sad death? The people
in that Champions game do. In fact, we held a wake. A live-action wake.
People wore name tags (Hi! Im Stupendous Lass!) and my buddy
who played the Fabulous One lay perfectly still through the whole three
hour event. He was a trooper. Everyone who ever played in the game
came in character and said something about him.
I played Carter. I was the last to speak at the ceremony. I was the one
who sponsored his heroic exploits for so many years. I remembered
him fondly. I also laid a bunch of verbal clues on them at the wake.
Some of those clues resonated with people who no longer played in the
game. That meant if they walked away, they walked away with the key
to identifying the man who really pulled the trigger on Fabulouss life
and career.
After the wake was over, many of the players who no longer played in
the game came to me privately. They said they wanted back in. I told
them that the game only had room for ve... but they could make cameo
appearances if they wanted.

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Soon, folks began showing up to the game for 15 minutes or so, just to
relay the information they gained at the wake. One particularly powerful
Empath (who I nailed with a Psychic Vampire chick who leeched away
almost every ounce of emotion he ever had) told them that Carter lied to
him about where he was the night Fabulous was murdered. Anotheran
accountant whose mathematical genius was destroyed by an endless math
loop devised by Carter and was now working for the IRStold them
that Carter Inc. owned a company that owned a company that owned
a company that was run by a local Mob boss who sold the gun to the
kid that shot Fabulous. Another charactera superstrong, supertough,
supernasty rotorooter with teeth who had his bones turned to jelly and
now worked in a physical rehab clinic for war veteranstold them that
the kid who pulled the trigger did volunteer work for him every once in
a while and loved Mister Fabulous. It didnt make any sense he should
shoot good ol cap.
Over months, the pieces were coming together. And as they got closer,
Carter got meaner. They knew they were looking in the right direction
when The Executionera thug that Carter hired to keep people off the
right trackstopped using rubber bullets and started using real ones.
They knew they were looking in the right direction when Carter started
giving them too many assignments, and all of them deadly.
Then, when they got close enough to discover the truth, he pulled
their funding. They found themselves audited by the IRS. They found
out their rent checks for the last six months were never cashed, and
they were thrown out on the street. Their friends disappeared. Their
families disappeared. One of them was busted for cocaine possession,
even though cocaine was poison to his alien system (nice Disadvantage,
that one). One of them was charged with rape. Another with child abuse.
For six weeks running, one of the characters was in jail. Every four-hour
session, hed sit at the corner of the tablein jailand watch as his
friends struggled to maintain their lives.
(What do you do this turn, Roger? I imagine the look on Carters
face when I rip off his ears.)
Six weeks.

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29

But he didnt give up. Even though he had a life sentence and no chance
of parole and no chance his buddies would get him out of the most
advanced prison ever designed for meta-humans, he stuck it out. (What
do you do this turn, Roger? I imagine the look on Carters face when I
make earrings out of his... Okay, Roger. I get the point.)
But break him out, they did. In one of the most exciting sessions in any
of my games. And when he got out, he looked at me and said, Im still
here.
I smiled. Yes. Yes you are.
He mimicked the motion of putting his cowl over his head and
whispered, And Carter is %$#ed.
That was the response I was looking for. For 19 months Id run that
game, knowing what Carter was doing to them. Nineteen months of
preparing for that very moment, when theyd know the truth and had
the gumption to go after him.
That very moment, I was proud. Proud like a papa. Nineteen months
of screwing players every way I could. Nineteen months of pushing
them beyond the limits of their bodies, their patience, their dignity
and their resolve. Nineteen months of giving them pain that no point
conguration could protect them from.
Nineteen months were about to pay off.
It took them a whole month to get to Carter. The man protected
himself well. But when it was all over, they nally had the man who
arranged for the death of Malices grandmother, the man who broke
Tristans heart, the man who shot Mister Fabulous through the head, in
their hands.
And thats when they proved they were heroes.
They didnt kill him. They didnt maim him. They didnt cause a single
point of Stun or Body. Instead, they turned him over to the authorities
with all the necessary evidence to convict him for 17 life sentences.
The prosecuting attorney was a young woman who used to be known
as Malice, making a special appearance for that night only. We did the
whole trial, the same way we did Fabulouss wake. The room was lled

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with almost every member of the gaming club. We selected jurors (folks
who were playing in the three-year long Palladium game that might still
be going for all I know) and they turned in a verdict of guilty on all but
one count. Jefferson Carter would spend the rest of his life in prison.
If he lived to be 2,017 years old, hed still have 500 years left on his
sentence.
The good guys won. The bad guy was behind bars. The campaign was
over. I ran a couple more one-shot games of Cthulhu then moved to
California where the name Jefferson Carter has popped up a couple
of times, but not in the way it did in that 19-month long Champions
campaign.

Had to take a break there. Wrote that entire piece in an hour. Cool
down. Cool down.
This should have been my rst column here at Pyramid. I say that
because in that rst essay about Carter, I forgot to mention the most
important part of Playing Dirty: the payoff.
Catching and convicting Carter took them nearly two years of real
time. In that time, they watched nearly a dozen heroes go down under
Carters heel (second pun for the evening; sorry), never knowing that
someone was actually behind the whole thing. For the most part, they
thought it was just me being nasty.
Oh no. There was method. There was also madness, but there was
much more method. And in the end, when they pinched the bastard,
it was all worth while. Even the folks who didnt survive Carters meat
grinder helped out in their own way. The players who walked away from
the game, knowing theyd been crushed, said to newbies, Youd better
watch yourself. Wicks got it out for heroes. What they should have
been saying was, Youd better watch your buddy. Sticking together is
the only way to survive.

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31

If you dont mind, a brief, personal afterward.

Writing about all this again has reminded me of something, something
Id forgotten over the last three months.
For those 90 days, Ive been unemployed. Southern California isnt too
nice to folks who spent the last ve years of their life at a fake job.
Yes, Ive been an editor, a writer, a game designer, a product manager,
and a layout assistant. Ive written ad copy and Ive done so many game
demos, I think Ive got more customer service and sales experience
than most of the salesmen I know.
But it was all done at a fake job. Tell someone you design games for
a living and they say, Wow. Thats a neat job! Ask them to hire you,
and they turn away.
So, because I cant get a job in Southern California that pays any kind
of salary, Jennifer and I have to move into a smaller place (losing our
two bedroom, two and a half bath condo). In other words, for the last
month, I havent written anything. Ive had my hands full looking for
a new job and looking for a smaller place for me and my wife to move
into. Ive turned in over 150 applications. I havent gotten a single
phone call. I did get a phone interview for one job, but someone else
got that one.
One job.
So, the guy who won the Origins Award for the Best Roleplaying
Game of 1997, the guy who was on the design team for one of the topselling CCGs in America that isnt Magic or Pokemon, has to get a retail
job. Ive won four Origins Awards. The games I designed and helped
design have made millions of dollars.
For other people.
But when its all said and done, I dont own a single piece of any of
the games Ive been involved with. Not L5R, not 7th Sea. Not even a
single point.
Thats the game industry. You only make money here if you own the
property, and I spent the last ve years of my life developing properties
for other people. The reason I left AEG was so I could develop my

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own properties, and make money in the game industry. Of course, in the
meantime, I cant nd a job in the real world that pays the bills.
As of Sunday night, I wrote a letter to a friend of mine telling him that
I was done with the game industry. Finished. Theres no money here.
I could write an RPG that might reach 1,000 readers or I could write
a novel or a screenplay that would reach hundreds of thousands. Of
course, that kind of work would also pay my bills, rather than making
new ones.
And, if you read the message boards, I aint the most beloved individual
in the game industry.
So. Why not just quit?
Then, I sat down to write what would be my very last thing for the
gaming industry. This column. The one that earned me so much love
on the Pyramid lists. I reread the Carter article. Read about Malices
grandma. Thought about why I did that to the poor girl.
I was pushing her. Pushing her.
She quit. Not because she didnt have her points allocated the right way,
not because her Ego wasnt high enough or she didnt have enough ED
or PD or Stun or Body. No, she quit because she didnt have the resolve
to keep ghting.
Writing those words, those very words reminded me. Reminded me
why I love this industry so much. Why I love roleplaying games so
much. Because we are the only medium where the Author and the
Audience are the same. Where we live the stories we tell as we tell them.
The whole point of mythology is to teach lessons that cannot be
communicated any other way. Roleplaying is living myth. We arent
hearing the heroes trials, we are the hero. We arent walking in his
footsteps, were making the footsteps. And the game master/storyteller/
dungeon master is the Dragon. Hes Grendel. Hes the Whale. Yes, he is
God to our Jonah. (Did you slay Leviathan? I did.)
And why does he send us pain? (Dangerously invoking Ellison.) Because
pain is what pushes us. We dont grow without pain. We dont evolve

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33

without pain. We dont learn without pain. If nobody ever knocked us

down, we wouldnt know the bliss of getting back up.
Ive been knocked down. Ive been hit harder than I ever have in my
entire life. And just nowright now, as I type these very wordsI know
the bliss of getting back up.
All because of a gamer war story.
I said this when I won the Origins Award for L5R RPG. With a very
slight modication, Ill say it again. Dont let anyoneand I mean
anyonetell you that gaming isnt important. Because right now, it
means all the world to me.

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(Note: If you do not have a consistent setting in your game, this months column
will not help you in any way, shape or form. Dont read it. It will not help your
campaign. Theres nothing to learn here. Move along.)
A common Game Master trap lies in designing setting. Many GMs
think they have to spend hours, weeks, months getting to know every
cobblestone, every brick, every face in the crowd. Well, Im here to tell
you thats a load of horse hockey. This month, Im letting you in on
some nifty little tricks that will make your environment come alive for
your players in ways they (and you) never thought possible.
I can already hear you saying, Hey, isnt this supposed to be a column
about dirty, underhanded Game Master tricks? How is designing an
environment low-down and nasty?
Ill tell you.
Your players are gonna do all the work.

EPISODE 3

THE LIVING CITY

35

The Living City is a term one of the players used to describe the city
of my long-running Vampire game. New Jerusalem was indeed a living,
breathing city. It was awake even when the players were asleep. Plots
were born, lived and died without the players ever knowing what was
going on. Monumental changes occurred while they wasted time in the
nightclub picking up the evenings meal. They never found out about
most of those changes and events until it was too late to do anything
about it. But then again, thats when heroes really shine, isnt it: when
everyone else thinks its too late?
The best part about New Jerusalem is how little work I put into it. I
mean, I did a little pre-game work, had myself an outline, knew the
names of all the important people (living, dead and undead) in the city,
and I knew what I wanted to happen, but everything else was up to the
players. They were the ones who really made the city come alive. And
heres how I let them do it.

The City in a Box

The rst thing I did was get a bunch of index cards and a box to hold
them in. I also got little dividers to separate them out. I had a section for
NPCs, Magic Items, Important Places, Events and Other Notes.

NPCs
First off, I didnt spend a lot of time on designing NPCs. I had an idea
of how each one was going to be, but I really didnt want to invest a lot
of time in building their personalities (youll see why in a minute). I gave
each one only three stats: Fighting, Thinking and Talking. I rated each
one with a number, telling how many dice hed roll for each situation.
This works really well for Storyteller games, but with a little ingenuity,
you can make it work out for just about any system. Then, at the bottom
of each NPC card, I wrote three words (or phrases) that reminded me
what made the NPC distinct when I played them.
So an NPC card looked something like this:

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CARTER, JEFFERSON
Fighting: 2

Thinking: 6

Talking: 6

Home: 10258 Manzanita Court, (712) 555-5435

Goals: Control the City at all Costs
Resources: You name it

Then, at the beginning of the game, after I read all their character sheets
and knew the kinds of characters they wanted to play, I assigned them
NPCs to play as well. I gave them each an envelope with a copy of the
card and a list of objectives for the evening. The envelope also contained
information on where the NPC was that night, so if the players
wandered into the Taboo nightclub, my buddy Ian knew that Donny
Vanucci would also be there. If Donny got involved with the players, Id
take over Ians character until they were done with him, then Ian got
hold of his character again.
(Heres how I made it work. I usually have players wearing name tags so
they dont have to look up the character names. As soon its time for one of the
players to take a different role, I stand next to them and put my hand on their
shoulder. I take off their name badge and give them the new one. Then, I put
on their name badge. As soon as the scene changes, I give them their badge back
and take the old one.)
Players also got to play NPCs when their own character wasnt involved
in a scene. For example, the players are in Taboo, talking with Jocasta, the
regent of the Brujah. Meanwhile, across town, the Tremere are talking
about how to deal with that miserable group of 13th Gen losers who keep
making trouble for them (thats the players, by the way). Im playing the
role of the Tremere regent and Erics playing his chief lieutenant. At some
point, the butler (played on cue by Ian who was notied to step in by his
note for the evening) informs us that the regent of the Toreador was here
to see us. She was played by the lovely and talented Elizabeth who plays
the role of a southern belle to the hilt. She lets us both know that one of
the 13th Gen losers has something that belongs to her, and she is willing
to do just about anything to get it back.

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Events
Miracle: The poor mans coincidence.
The Tao of Zen Nihilism

This little technique offered me a whole lot of advantages. First, I didnt

have to come up with a personality for each and every damn NPC in
the city: the players took care of that for me. From the Prince of the
city right down to Mean Mr. Mathers, the rottenest Math professor
on the college campus (the only man on campus who ate the split pea
soup in the cafeteria, I might add), they populated the city with colorful
characters that would have never occurred to me.
Second, the players were no longer lone individuals; they were a part of
the city. Each NPC they played gave them another investment in the
events that occurred around them. Ian was playing Daniel Hayden, the
bad-ass Brujah, but he was also playing the Toreador who might have
been Oscar Wilde. Mike was playing Aristotle Jones (all the Malkavians
were named Jones), but he was also playing Tori the Nosferatu who
took care of the thing in the sewers they called Mother.
Lastly, the players got to look at the city in a way individuals cannot.
They saw what other clans were up to, but more importantly, they
saw the consequences of those actions. They saw that one single event
could change the lives of hundreds of people. Things were moving all
the time. The players got a real sense that they were organs in a larger
organism. Not only did they see others actions take effect on their own
lives, but they saw their own actions take effect on the lives of others. In
short, they learned that theres no such thing as an isolated incident.
Convincing players to give up control of their own character so they can
play the Prince of the City/Evil Wizard-Emperor/Cyber-Dragon Maa
Boss is easy. Convincing yourself to give up control of your campaign
now thats the hard part. Youve got to be willing to surrender your best
NPCs to the whims of someone else. In order to do that, youve got
to swallow a little bit of pride and have some faith in your players. Of
course, youve also got to make sure you assign the right NPCs. Giving
someone the wrong NPC can be disastrous. But then again, sometimes,
it might be the best thing to do.

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I had a player who was the God-King of comedy roleplaying. The

guy was an improvisational genius, always hitting the group with offcentered humor that would make Steven Wright look twice. In the
Vampire game, I always gave him Malkavians to play, a fact that made
our nutjobs both humorous and dangerous. But one day, I decided
to have him play the quick-witted Toreador assassin, Jack. Jumping
Jack Flash was a deadly serious Englishman who looked like a sinister
version of 007. When Bill got a hold of Jack Flash, he slunk into a
brilliant Sean Connery impersonation that was absolutely perfect. He
accommodated himself to the role, exing his roleplaying muscles a bit
more than he had before.
It was a double-edged victory. I got a Jack that was what I wanted
plus a whole lot more, and Bill got to stretch his roleplaying skills in a
direction he never counted on.

Improvisational Environment
I talked a little bit about this in the 7th Sea GM Book and Robin Laws
also invokes it in Fung Shui. Its all about getting the players to use the
environment around them.

GM:

Youre in a bar ght.

PLAYER 1:

I grab a bottle of whiskey and smash it over a guys head.

PLAYER 2:

I grab the candle on the table and shove it into another

guys eye.

PLAYER 3:

I grab a log out of the replace and smash another guy over
the head with it.

You get the idea. You never said all those things were in the bar, but then
again, they make sense to be in the bar, right? Why penalize a player for
being creative?
But dont let this technique stop at bar ghts. Just as your players can
help you populate your city, so can they help you decorate it.

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Some of the best parts of New Jerusalem came from my players.

Remember Mean Mr. Mathers? I didnt create him, one of my players
did. They were standing in the college campus cafeteria and one of
them said, And theres Mean Mr. Mathers over there, eating pea soup.
Then, another one chimed in. Hes the only one who eats the pea
soup. It was brilliant and I let it stick.
Once the players got the feel for it, they started decorating the city
every chance they got. They invented a comic book shop and the
crooked owner who cheats kids out of their valuable books (years later, I
found myself wondering how hed do with Magic cards). They invented
the volunteer re chief, the city librarian, and nearly all the police. And
all the while, I was writing it all down on index cards, shoving them into
my little box for future use.
Of course, I had complete veto power, but after a few weeks, I didnt
need to use it. The players got a hold on the kind of stuff I liked and
didnt like, but even then, theyd come up with something so creative,
Id have to let it in the city limits. While the standing rule was the player
who created the NPC got rst dibs on playing him, we did more than
our share of grogging the locals (see Ars Magica for details).

Conclusion
Maximum effect for minimum effort. (Slack!) Thats what were gunning
for here. I know a lot of you complain that you dont have time to
run games anymore. I know you say youre too busy to come up with
creative ways to confront your players. Well, this month you got a
non-confrontational way to challenge them: let them use those brains of
theirs for something other than counting experience points.
If you let them in on the Big Game, if you let them have a whack at
creating NPCs and even give them a chance to plot against themselves
(I always loved that bit), maybe theyll appreciate all the hard work that
goes into running a game.
And maybejust maybeIll gure out a way to show you all the hard
work that goes into designing one.

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Ive been getting some good press around here recently. Granted, folks
have said, I dont agree with John, but I see his point and he writes
pretty good.
I do not write pretty good. I write well.
Get your high boots on, folks. Were about to get real dirty.

This month, were talking about Problem Players.

Now, the chief problem with these guys is that most of them are friends
of yours. Like Bob who sits at the corner of the table with his laptop
open, playing Starcraft when he should be paying attention, with his
bermonster character all full of loopholes, who barely looks at his dice
when he rolls them (and hopes nobody else does because theyd see that
17 he rolled is really a 7), who wont go along with the rest of the party
because that would compromise his character concept. Yeah. That
guy. Were talking about him.

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This month, Im going to give you a few pointers on how to deal with
Bob, taking into consideration that hes probably a friend of yours that
youve known for a few dozen years, who is really a nice guy, and you
dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him that hes ruining the game
for everyone else.
And, by the way, that is the real way to handle this situation. If Bob is
screwing up your game, you tell him hes screwing up your game. But if
that tactic doesnt work (or youre afraid of the repercussions of doing it),
then try a few of the following tactics.
Understand that you will probably not be able to use all of these
methods. Also understand that they should be used with caution. Finally,
understand that half the intention of this installment is to provide you
with a cathartic experience.
You might not be able to use any of these techniques, but by the end of it
all, youll sure wish you could.

Breaking the Cord

Theres something I like to call the PC umbilical cord. Most of you have
gured out what this means without me explaining it, but just in case...
The players are supposed to be a group. That is, they make decisions
together; they act as a unit; they face the consequences of their actions
together. Player parties have very little room for the Snake Pliskens of
the world. Everyone in the group plays a specic role in the group,
complementing each others strengths and weaknesses.
Every once in a while, however, you get that dark loner. You know the
guy. Hes a bad man but hes very good at what he does and what he does
isnt very pretty. That guy. When he joins a party of bounty hunters, he
always kills the target rather than capturing him because The Weed
of Evil Bears Bitter Fruit. Despite the fact the party is trying to act as
a unit, he always acts on his own, living by his own rules, by his own
code of ethics. And when you confront the player about the problem, he
just shrugs and says, Thats the way my character is, or worse, he gets

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offended and starts spouting the time-honored favorite: Dont make

me compromise my character concept!
Now the key to preventing this guy from ruining your campaign is...
dont let him make that kind of character! Unfortunately, players are
sneaky. Theyll make characters that look friendly and willing to Play
Well With Others, but when the crunch is on, they sneak into the
shadows, steal all the loot and tell the others that they have no clue what
happened to the booty they were after.
Well, this guy doesnt last long in my games because I invoke a little
thing we like to call consequences. Heres how it works.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, right? That means the
next time the Merciless Killer Without a Heart goes and whacks the
NPC the party is supposed to capture (for ransom, for the law to deal
with, whatever), you give him some time, then spring The Law on him.
The Law shows up at 3:45 AM (the time All Bad Things happen
in my games) with stun guns, tear gas, tasers and all other kinds of
nasty wickedness. They capture the entire party and throw them all
in jail for interrogation regarding the illegal murder of The Guy We
Were Supposed to Take Alive. Then, spend the rest of the evening
interrogating the party. Each one, by himself, under a sunlamp. Go out
and get one at Wal-Mart; they usually cost under ten bucks. Use the
same tactics cops use when they interrogate prisoners. Tell them that
their friends have ratted them out. Tell them that theyre going to spend
a real long time in prison. Then, when they think theyve beaten the rap,
reveal to them that the guy they were chasing was an undercover cop.
Now, theyre facing Murder 1 charges, which means life in prison (or the
death penalty, depending where theyre at). Sooner or later, one of them
will give up The Killer Without a Cause. Either that, or evidence shows
up that gives the cops a solid case against him.
Then, we have the trial. A lot of game sessions can go toward a trial.
Or, if you prefer, you can do it the short way: go right to the verdict. Of
course, Mr. Dont Make Me Compromise My Character is found guilty
as charged and gets sent to prison.
For life.

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Now, I dont know about you, but I have a rule in my games: you dont
get to make another character until the one youre playing dies. That
means, Bob gets to play his perfect combat machine in an 8x8 cell for
the rest of his natural life.
What are you doing this round, Bob?
Im watching the cockroach crawl across my cell.
For life.
If he asks really nice (and agrees not make that kind of character again),
Ill let him make a new character. Of course, a few years later, Mr. Bad
Ass breaks out of prison and goes after the party for revenge.
As an NPC.
Played by Robert DeNiro.

The Laws of the Table & Kharma Dice

Now, I have to admit, this one is seriously mean. While I usually play
dirty with my players, I also play fair. By playing fair, I mean that
like a mystery writer, I show them everything they need to solve the
situation at hand.
However...
I have a limit, and that limit is my players enjoyment. When one player
starts stepping on the other players fun, I start ghting re with re.
Specically, I mean the players who feel it necessary to break the
game. They take advantage of rules. They lie about rolls. They make
rolls for skills they dont have. You know who Im talking about. Im
talking about cheaters.
(Usually I dont give a rats petunia about cheating. Players expect the
game master to cheat, but for some reason, game masters are supposed
to poo-poo players cheating. Maybe this is because the GM is expected
to cheat for the players. Maybe. As GM, I may hit the players below the
belt, but Im also looking out for their better interests.)

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But then there are players who feel they need to break other rules. You
know, the ones not listed in the book. The Laws of the Table, one of
my players called them. They boil down to a few simple rules:
I.

Pay Attention

II. Dont Invoke Monty Python

III. Dont Read at the Table
IV. If You Must Speak, Whisper or Pass a Note

Those kind of rules. Players who cant seem to follow these simple rules
of etiquette really chap my hide. And so, in order to deal with breaches
of etiquette, I use Kharma Dice.
Ive mentioned this one somewhere else, but not everyone is a 7th Sea
fan, so Ill put it here, too (and Ill be brief). In short, whenever someone
breaks a Table Law, put a black die in a bowl in the center of the table.
Then, later on in the game, when another player is making a really
crucial roll, remove the die from the bowl, turn to the player and say:
YOU FAIL.
The emphasis is important.
In short, the rude actions of one player crush someone elses success.
Ive found this keeps the Boldy Brave Sir Robin choruses down to a
minimum.
If you like, you can also use Good Kharma Dice that work in exactly
the opposite manner. Whenever a player does something seless,
courageous or noteworthy, give them a white die. When another player
is making a crucial roll, they can give that white die to the player and
you tell them:
YOU SUCCEED.
Again, the emphasis is important.

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Theres Always Someone Bigger

Now this is a nasty trick. I used to use it a lot when I was running
Champions. As we all know, there are a few hundred bazillion loopholes
in the Hero System, and weve abused all of them in our time (remind
me to tell you about Multiplier Man someday). But abusing character
creation rules has always seemed so petty to me, especially when people
are proud of it.
(Great. You made a combat monster. Big efn deal. Whats his
mothers name?)
So, in order to deal with the Power Player, I taught him a rule that orks
(and all the other one hit die monsters in the world) know all to well:
Theres Always Someone Bigger Than Yourself.
First, I designed an equally abusive Combat Monster to deal with our
Bruiser Bob, but that aint enough. No, sir. Not if youre gonna play
dirty. Since Bob feels it necessary to cheat to have a good time (and lets
not mince words, thats exactly what hes doing), its time for you to show
him that you can cheat, too. In fact, you can cheat better than he can,
which makes you a better person. He who cheats best (makes the best
broken character and/or bends, twists and bends the rules best) wins,
right? So, heres what you do.
Get yourself three sets of identical dice. This is easy if youre playing
a game that requires only one die type like Vampire or (coincidentally
enough) Champions. Then, arrange a set of those dice for the perfect roll
behind your screen. Save em. Dont touch em.
Finally, when youve beaten Bruiser Bob to a bloody pulp, make a roll.
Ignore it. Look very sadly at the dice behind your screen - the ones you
arranged before the game began. Then, lift the screen and show the
players your roll.
A critical hit. Bruiser Bobs turned into Bloody Pulp Bob. Too bad.
Time to make a new character.

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The Rules Lawyer

Now, under most circumstances, Rules Lawyer Bob is your friend. He
knows all those little nuances of the game that you cant keep in your
head and reminds you when you need a nudge.
However...
Theres that fellow whos always telling you: Youre doing that wrong.
Or, Thats not how that works.
Or, Let me look that up.
This guy is The Enemy. Instead of relying on your judgement to
make a snap decision, he wants to play things By The Book. Instead
of accepting that youre improvising things, juggling story, character,
narrative and a rulebook, hes insisting on everything going by What
the Author Intended. And if he does it enough, players start looking to
him for rulings rather than you. This kind of challenge to our authority
is unhealthy. Therefore, you have to do something drastic. Something
dramatic. Something dirty.
First, take away his character sheet. Then, tell him if he doesnt
remember how many dice to roll, or if he rolls the wrong number of
dice, or if he forgets something on his character sheet...
HE FAILS.
Its all about emphasis.
This isnt so much being mean as holding Rules Lawyer Bob to the
same standards he expects from you. If youre supposed to know all the
rules, if youre supposed to be the Rule Encyclopedia, holding everything
to memory.
There is nothing in the rules that says you cant do this. Therefore, you
can.
Of course, if this doesnt work out for you, try a different tack.
Ill use the Storyteller System as an example. Whenever Bob starts his
rules ranting, take away his 10-siders and give him 4-siders.

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Here, Bob. You make all your rolls with these.

There is nothing in the rules that says you cant do this. Therefore, you
can.
When Rules Lawyer Bob gets hit with a blind spell, blindfold him.
What did you roll, Bob?
I cant tell. Im blindfolded.
Well then... YOU FAIL.
Finally, if he insists on looking things up... let him. While hes looking
things up in a book, the rest of the game goes on without him.
Bob, you just got hit. You took a stunning amount of damage.
How? I didnt hear any dice roll.
He didnt need to roll. You werent paying attention. You were looking
at something else.
Thatll learn em.

Last Words
Like I said above, the techniques this week are generally mean, nasty
and underhanded. They are not for everyone. Most of the time, I really
dont need to use them... more than once.
But the reason to use them is specic. I dont play a roleplaying game
to win. I dont create a character to demonstrate how to break a
character creation system. When the Game Master speaks, I listen.
The fact of the matter is this: everyone in the group either wins or loses.
If everyone is having a wonderful time, we all win. If one player decides
that he wants to have fun in spite of everyone else, hes selsh. If he feels
he needs to show off his character design skills in such a way that messes
with other players enjoyment, hes acting like a twelve year old jerk with
serious condence issues.

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Granted, hes also your high school buddy Bob. And that makes
things all too complicated. I hear so many people saying, Gaming
is a social activity. Then why the hell are so many gamers lacking
in any kind of social skills? Maybe its because gaming has always
about blind acceptance. So many of us came to gaming because we
were outsiders of one kind or another.
But that doesnt mean we cant learn. And that doesnt mean we
cant grow.

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Small Forward
A few folks have been commenting that while my column is very
entertaining (I hope so!), it wasnt very useful to them. I can understand
that. Ive often found that teaching through example and anecdote is the
best method, but then again, Ive also found that occasionally, Ive got to
change my tone and style to keep the rest of the audience awake.
And so, this month, were going to take a break from the whole there
was this time in band camp voice and get down to the nitty gritty.
Lets you and me roll up our sleeves and get some licks in. Lets ght.

I know what you need. Oh, yes. I do.

You have a problem with the way your game is playing, but you cant
quite put your nger on whats wrong. But I know whats wrong. Oh,
yes. I do.

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Its your ght scenes. Quite frankly, theyre not very exciting. Dont
worry, its not your fault. You just been taught poorly. Never blame
the student, always blame the teacher. Teacher say, student do as Mr.
Miyagi would say.
You see, you think the excitement of a combat scene comes from the
uncertainty of dice rolls. Like I said, it isnt your fault. This is what
youve been told all your life. Well, were going to take care of that.
Right here, right now. Im gonna show you some nasty, dirty, rotten,
low-down tricks to make your combat system y. Your players will forget
about their dice entirely because their hands will be too busy gripping
the edge of the game table with excitement, fear and anticipation.

Make It Hurt
Lets start with a basic problem. Theyre called hit points. Theyre also
called wounds, stamina points and a few other pretty names, but when
alls said and done, theyre hit points.
Players believe that hit points make them safe. I can still ght, they
tell themselves. Im only down ten hit points! Theyll continue to
ght until they reach the Level of UncertaintyIve got 15 hit points
left! Gotta make it back to the cleric!and run away. This is an easy
one to solve.
Take the hit points away.
There are a few ways to do this. Well look at each one individually,
then at the end, well see how they all work together.

Realistic Combat
All too often, when running games that I didnt write, I encounter a
small problem. Combat lasts too long. See, Ive studied on this subject.
Did a bit of kung fu and kenjutsu and judo and even gotten into a good
old fashioned slobberknocker or two (thanks, J.R.) and let me tell you

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from the voice of experience, ghts usually come down to one hit. Just
one. That one hit stuns the other guy for just long enough for you to
give him an even better hit, and then hes on the ground and then, its
all over. Except for the kicking. He never gets up from the kicking.
In my head, this is how combat in roleplaying games should work. I
already hear the shouts of But thats not very heroic! Let me ask
you a seriousand I mean seriousquestion. Whats more heroic:
charging into a situation that you know you cant lose, or charging
into a situation that may very well kill you? What act demands more
courage? More guts? More intestinal fortitude? I think we know the
answer to that one.
So, heres what you do. Take away hit points entirely. No hit points.
You get hit, you get hurt. You get hit again, you get killed. (Thats how
Orkworld is gonna work, but thats for another column.)
But players wouldnt stand a chance!
Oh, yes they would. If they fought with the wisdom of Sun Tzu they
would. If they fought with the cunning of Musashi, they would. But
usually, they dont, which means they end up making another character
by the end of the night.

Hidden Hit Points

A lot of folks call this the Jonathan Tweet Solution, but I learned it
from a guy named Danny Beech in Albany, Georgia, so I call it what
he called it: Hidden Hit Points. In short, all you do is keep track of
all the damage rolls and hit point totals. The players never know how
many hit points they have. Ever.
Oh, theyve got a rough idea. The cleric knows hes rolling d8s and the
ghter knows hes rolling d10s and the thief knows hes rolling d6s, but
they never know for sure.

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Narrative Combat
But how do they know how hurt they are? you ask. Just make sure
you use another little trick called Narrative Combat. Those of you
whove practiced some martial art or another know how combat really
works. You get hit, you get hurt. Thats what combat is supposed to do:
hurt your opponent. So, when you run combat sessions, make sure to
enforce the hurt.
Never let your players say, I roll to hit. You know what theyre
doing, you want to know how theyre doing it. Ask them important
questions like:
Where are you trying to hit him?
How hard are you trying to hit him?
Is this a real strike, or a feint?
Go on, ask them those questions. Then, give them game bonuses when
they give you the answers. Give them bigger game bonuses when they
do it themselves.
On the reverse end of things, make sure that whenever characters get
hit, they get hurt. Ten Hit Points of damage doesnt tell you anything.
Instead, keep track of where characters get hit and how hard they got
hit. Heres an easy way of doing it.
First, write down how many hit points each character has.
Next, gure out a 10% loss of hit points, a 20% loss of hit points, a
25% loss of hit points, etc. Do this before the game begins. Be prepared.
Then, assign descriptions to each HP loss. In other words, a 10% hit
is a esh wound. No big deal. But a 25% hit is a crippling hit, one that
causes major blood ow, loss of sensation in the limb (if thats the head,
youve got problems... okay, hes got problems).
Finally, when a player takes a hit, describe it in the most visceral way
possible. (Multiple viewings of Saving Private Ryan or Ravenous may
be appropriate for you to get into the right frame of mind.) If a player
takes a 25% hit to the left arm, his ngers go numb, blood sprays in his
face on regular intervals and the pain shoots up his arm, into his neck

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just behind his eyes. Dont forget the fact that all the pressure in his blood
stream is now compromised, making his heart beat a lot faster and a lot
stronger as it tries to compensate. Hell lose a bit of his vision from the
pain, experience disorientation and possibly black out from the
tissue trauma.
(For those of you who dont know, tissue trauma is what kills you when
you get shot in the foot. Everything in your body is under constant
pressure. When you get a wound, you get tissue trauma. The insides of
your body try to force themselves outside by the sudden change of pressure
and the whole body suddenly goes into shock. Just imagine your body as
the interior of a jet plane that just lost cabin pressure. Just sos you know.)
One of the objectives of the 7th Sea game system was to do this: encourage
players to use words like feint and beat and riposte. If theyre right
there on the character sheet, players will use them. If they dont know they
can do it, they wont do it. Which leads us to our next section...

Creative Combat
I remember the rst time someone looked at me from across the GM
Screen and said, You know the rules dont cover this, but Id like to try
it anyway.
Like I said a moment ago, if players dont know they can do something,
they wont do it. Experimental players are rare in the extreme. All too
often, they think, Well, theres no rule for it, so I cant do it.
This mentality is in direct violation of the Roleplaying Prime Directive: If
there isnt a rule for it, make it up. (Of course, a lot of people have forgotten
this rule, but thats a subject for another column.)
No game master or game system can cover every contingency, but that
doesnt mean that your players should be punished when they come up
with something both you and the rules never counted on. In fact, they
should be rewarded.

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The Wounding Skill

Hidden Hit Points not only get you a neat way of making characters
edgy during combat, it also opens up other, very useful, rules. Like the
Wounding Skill. Heres how it works.
If you spend a lot of time ghting (like ghters) or healing (like healers),
you get to know how bad a wound is just by looking at itor poking
your ngers around in it, whichever works for you. Thus, the Wounding
Skill. Folks who spend a lot of time ghting or healing can take a look
at a wound and say, Wow! That wound was a) slight, b) serious, c)
grievous, d) crippling, or e) fatal. Eventually, if they get into enough
ghts, other charactersbesides the ghters and healerscan gure
this skill out, too.

Fight Dirty, Fight Smart

Now, lets spend a moment talking about villains.
Your players face off against a villain. Theres only one of him and an
average of 4.5 of them. Hes built off the same number or a greater
number of points/is one or three levels higher... you get the picture.
But, theres 4.5 of them. Hes vastly outnumbered. Hes in deep trouble,
right?
Wrong. Theyre the ones in trouble. Why? Because my villains know
how to ght. Heres what happens.

The Wisdom of Sun Tzu

If you havent read Sun Tzus Art of War, do so now. Right now. You
will learn more about strategy and warfare (and how they are a part of
everyday life) in those few pages than youll learn anywhere else.
My villains are students of Sun Tzus teachings. They understand that
in order to face an enemy of greater number, you have to get allies. And

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sometimes, the ground you stand on can be your ally. In this case, our
heroes have inltrated his lair and caught him off guard.
This is a mistake. Fighting a villain in his own lair, where he knows the
terrain and they do not, is to his advantage. He knows all the safe places
to hide. He knows where all the tricks and traps are. Hes not alone;
he has his lair on his side. And, because Carters an Eagle Scout who
follows the Scouts motto, hes prepared for such a contingency.
He has nerve gas to stun any characters who are susceptible to it. He has
the oor wired for electrocution. He can kill the lights, grab the hidden
infrared goggles and proceed to kick ass. Hes ready for them. Of course,
when it comes to ass kicking, Joe Villain follows the advice of another
master of martial arts...

The Ruthlessness of Musashi

Miyamoto Musashis Book of Five Rings is another study in tactics, but on
a more personal level. Musashi said, With my way, one man can beat
ten, ten can beat one hundred and one hundred can beat one thousand.
Or something like that. Musashi understood one very important fact
about one-on-one ghting: If you dont use every method at your
disposal to win, youre not only a fool, but youre a fool on the wrong
end of a 4 foot razor blade. Congratulations, that makes you a dead fool:
doubly disqualied from the game of life.
When Joe Villain ghts, he ghts dirty.
First, he tries to gouge the eyes. Hey, if you cant see, you cant ght.
One hit, youre on the ground and the kicking starts.
Then, he kicks you in the knees. Hey, you cant stand, you cant ght.
One hit, youre on the ground and the kicking starts.
Then, he kicks you in the groin. Or, he makes cuts above your brow, so
blood oozes down into your eyes. Or, he makes cuts on your hands and
wrists so the pain slows down your thrusts and parries and makes your
palms and ngers slick from blood. Or, he hits you in the face with the

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pommel of his sword so youre stunned for just a moment, which gives
him enough time to put 4 feet of steel through your heart.
Ive been to wrestling camp, folks. Ive been taken down by my thumb.
My thumb. You dont want to know how that feels. Trust me.
So, your next combat should sound like this:

Player:

I roll to hit. Succeed. Roll to damage. Ten hit points.

Game Master: The villain grabs your sword arm (dice roll). He succeeds.
You cant use your sword next round because your sword
arm is tangled up.
Player:

Uh. Okay. Roll for initiative?

Game Master: Sure. But you subtract two from your roll because youre
surprised.
(Dice roll.)
You lose?
Player:

Uh, yeah.

Game Master: All right. He twists your arm. He rolls Strength. You roll
Stamina. He gets a +5 because hes got an arm bar on you.
Player:

Uh, okay.
(Dice roll.)

Game Master: All right. The villain won. He takes you down to the ground.
Now, hes on top of you. Youre face down on the ground.
Hes got your arm behind you, and your shoulders making
strange sounds. He grabs hold of your hair and pulls your
head up just before it comes slamming down into the
castles stone oor.

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Notice: Not once did you mention hit points.

Fighting Dirty is just like Playing Dirty: use everything at your disposal.
Throw tapestries on them and pull them out from under their feet.
Throw a bucket of ammable liquid on them then swing torches in their
faces. Kick, bite and gouge. Hit them in the soft places that bone doesnt
protect. How did you react when Tyson bit off a piece of Holyelds
ear? Thats how you were supposed to react. Unfortunately, it just pissed
Holyeld off, but the plan was solid. If it stunned you for even a second,
it worked. Youd be on the oor and then thered be kicking.
(Of course, my wife just walked in and notied me that the word I
should use instead of kicking is stomping. But then again, shes
always been a lot meaner than me. Smarter, too. And prettier. Get the
impression shes reading over my shoulder?)
Losing hit points doesnt hurt. Losing an ear does.
Just ask Holyeld.

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A Minor Prelude
Not too long ago, a group of friends and I were sitting around a table,
listening to Dennis Learys No Cure For Cancer, laughing ourselves sick.
One bit caught us by the collar and threw us down to the oor: the
Doctor Leary Psychoanalytical Seminar. You dont need to deal with
issues of family, you dont need to deal with stress, you dont need
to grasp your inner child. What you need is a good, swift kick in the
backside.
But my father, he abused me when I was...
Whack! Shut the (insert obscenity here) up! Next!
I dont know what do to about my girlfriend, she...
Whack! Shut the (another obscenity) up! Next!
In short, Life is hard. Get a helmet.
And let me tell you something, Ive worked with a lot of kids in my day,

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some of whom have real issues, not the crap the people I know grouse
about. Its like my grandfather told me when I was younger, If you ever
think youve got it bad, open up your (Irish obscenity) eyes and look
around. Youll nd someone whos got it a whole helluva lot worse.
All of this comes to a very important point. Stay with me. Were
getting there.
Theres a whole lot of people in this world who spout the Get a
helmet! philosophy. Then, life kicks them in the teeth with irontipped combat boots and they start crying like a fteen year old who
just found out the rst girl he ever kissed didnt fall madly in love with
him and, in fact, has moved on to someone new. Then, they bitch and
moan and complain about how unfair life is, and how if only hed done
things differently, itd all be different and how could she be so cold, so
uncaring, such a heartless, cruel, calculating...
Hey. Wait a minute. Wheres your helmet?
Like Super Chicken says, You knew the job was dangerous when you
took it.
For those of you who havent gured it out, heres a bit of existentialist
truth for you to chew on.
Life. Isnt. Fair. The sooner you learn that, the better off youll be.
Now the question you have to ask is this:
If roleplaying games are supposed to simulate life, why are so many
people obsessed with making them fair?
And with that in mind, lets move on to this months topic. Twenty bucks
says you cant gure it out until were all done.

PART ONE: The Problem

Character death is a very difcult matter to handle. Game Masters have
to be careful when dealing with a player characters mortality. At least,
this is what people tell me. I really dont see what the big deal is.

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When it comes down to killing characters, there are really two groups of
GMs. The rst group are the Dicers. These folks insist that GMs dont
kill people, dice kill people. Of course, these are the same people who
think guns re themselves. Secondly, we have the Free Formers. These
people insist that dice should never have inuence over a characters life.
Of course, if you actually play in one of these games, youll soon nd out
that youre playing second ddle to the GMs NPCs while they tell you a
story they could have done all on their own.
No, my friends. The answer lies somewhere in the middle, I think.
Somewhere between perception and reality. Thats where the GM
shines best, stuck right between those two.
Its the reason I have such a problem with Star Trek. Whenever I watch
it, I know nothing signicant will happen to the main characters. Oh,
one of them will learn some sort of life lesson, but nobody ever really
changes. The only reason people ever change on TV shows is because
theyre leaving the show (which means the character gets killed), get
pregnant (which means the character gets pregnant), or have to make a
movie (which means they go into a coma for a week or two). But in the
end, nobody really changes.
Unfortunately, this disease has crept into our industry, polluting it with
the same puerile fan-boy ction we see on Trek webpages. Nobody ever
changes. Nobody ever dies.
And when we sit down with our favorite character ever Friday night,
we have the comforting feeling that well be leaving with that character
intact. The worst thing hell have to encounter will be a valuable lifelesson that shows him how he can make himself a better person.
Not in my game, buddy.
You sit down at my table with one understanding: Youd better wear
a helmet.

See, the problem comes down to a simple assumption: you aint gonna
die. If the dice roll badly, the GM will fudge the roll and youll be okay.
Or, you just make sure not to put yourself in a situation where the dice

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roll badly, and you dont have to worry about getting killed. Besides,
only Killer GMs arbitrarily kill characters.
This, unfortunately, leaves you and me in a bind. We cant kill characters
without making ourselves look like a villain/schmuck/jerk/Killer GM. If
we do whack someone off, we have to blame it on the dice. Otherwise,
we get whiny player voice all night long, complaining that he doesnt
have a character to play with, and now he has to sit out and wait for the
rest of you to nish because you killed his character.
Well, friends and neighbors, I got solutions for you. A whole ton of
them. So, lets get started.

PART TWO: The Supporting Cast

The rst solution is the easiest. Players always assume theyre the main
character. Well, just because they believe that dont necessarily make it
so. In fact, try running a game where the characters are all Red Shirts.
You know the language Im talking.
This really works for my buddy Rays Star Trek game (he was running
the FASA version, thats how old this story is). We didnt play the bridge
crew in that game, we played all the guys who went down to the planet
before the bridge crew showed up. Fortunately, Ray had a very good
sense of drama, so we didnt have Kirk and Spock beaming down at the
last second to save our bacon every week. No, the ofcers on the USS
Kirkland were a bit too important for that kind of heroics. We were
the Away Team, sent down to an alien planet to investigate unusual
tricorder readings. And by the end of the year, we were the best-trained
Away Team you ever saw.
However... we went through about seven crew members in the course
of that year. We were expendable, and we knew it. Now, a lot of folks
may say, But how do you get attached to a character you know is going
to die? My answer is simple: How can you get attached to a character
you know isnt going to die?
Another good example is The Thirteenth Warrior. The narrator of that
lm (Antonio Banderas) aint the main character. In fact, hes a very

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minor character. The real hero of that tale is Beowulf (however you
want to spell it). Hes the one who gets to kill both Grendel and his Bad
Mommy (so bad, she dont even got a name). Its his story. And though
we know Banderas aint gonna get whacked (he is the narrator, after all),
imagine a player in that kind of situation. He knows he isnt the hero. He
knows he isnt the one who gets to kill the Boss Monster. He knows hes
the sidekick. So, what does he get to do? He supports the Hero. And
if hes weak, if his courage breaks, that puts the story one step closer
toward tragedy.
Even in a modern game, setting your players up in supporting roles
can really give them a sense of mortality. You dont play Romeo, you
play Mercutio. And, lets be honest for a second, if offered the choice,
who would you want to play? Which brings up a very good point: its
always the side-kick who gets the best lines. Hes witty, clever and an alltogether great guy. And you can always spot him at the beginning of the
lm. You know the hero will make it to the credits, but you just dont
know if the side-kick will. But you hope he does.
Almost as if he was your character.

PART THREE: Theyll be back by sweeps...

This one isnt entirely mine. Its inspired by a story Steve Hough
and Rob Vaux told me about a Cthulhu game they were playing in.
Apparently, the rest of the party (including Rob) left Steves character
for dead after a vicious attack by Mi-Go. Well, the next week rolled
around and Steve showed up. In fact, Steves character showed up.
Hey Steve! one of the characters said. We thought you were dead!
Steve didnt say a thing. He walked right passed him.
Hey Steve! said another. Where have you been?
Steve didnt say a thing. He walked right passed her.
Right about then, he reached the gun rack. Before anyone could say
anything, he picked up a shotgun and asked the GM if it was loaded.
The GM said it was.

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And Steve started shooting.

He started shooting and didnt stop until the big, bad combat character
(you always need one of those in a Cthulhu game) got a hold of Steve and
broke his neck.
Of course, if it was my game, that wouldnt have slowed Steve down a
single bit, but they had a merciful GM and the broken neck put Steve
down for good.
The point here is that you really can steal from any source. Like... oh,
lets say soap operas. Yeah, I said soap operas. I used to date a girl who
was addicted to one of those things, I watched it every day so we could
talk about it when we got home from work. And theres one rule thats
always true on every soap:
If you dont got a corpse, theyll be back by sweeps week.

PART FOUR: With Friends Like Me...

All right, John, youre saying. Thats all ne and well, but what do I
do when I really do kill their character?
I understand. I really do. When you kill a character, that player has to
sit around for the rest of the game. At the very least, he has to make up a
new character, so he can jump back in.
Why take the scenic route? In fact, why not have him play someone the
party already knows.
Like the antagonist.
I was just watching Batman: The Animated Series with my wife and the
villain was one of my all-time faves: Ras al-Ghul.
Who? my heretical wife asked. Ah, the naivete of youth.
The whole kicker with al-Ghul is that Batmans in love with the bad
guys daughter. The kicker with Ghuls daughter is that shes in love with
Batman. The kicker with Ghul is that hes in love with his daughter.

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And no, not in that way. Perv.

It makes a great triangle of love and duty. The power of that theme is
seldom captured well, but in the case of Batman and the al-Ghuls,
its perfect.
So... why do the players always have to be the protagonists? Why cant
one or two of them play antagonists? But antagonists the protagonists
have some kind of unbreakable link with? Thats powerful mojo. Mighty
good stories come out of that kind of relationship.
So, what you do is get together with a player before the game starts. You
talk to him about your plan. He plays a wacky, lovable character - lets
call him Bob - for the rst eight or ten sessions, then you whack Bob
mercilessly. Its a big, bloody Bob mess that wont ever clean up right.
Then, Bobs player drops out for a week or two while the rest of the
party looks for the Bad Guy who killed Bob the Loveable Sidekick. Two
weeks go by, and your player shows up again, but this time, hes not
playing a new character... hes playing the Heavy Who Killed Bob (Bum
bum BUM!).
Its a typical technique. Create an intriguing, capable villain in Episode
1, then make him an ally by the middle of the season.
You folks who watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer know what Im talking
about. That show is littered with Good Bad Guys and Gals: Faith, Spike,
Angel, Jenny the Gypsy Chick, Anya the Vengeance Demon are great
examples of bad people the Scooby Gang has to work with.
Unenlightened folks who dont watch the best show on TV may get
what Im talking about with these examples:
Magneto and the New Mutants.
Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, and Darth Vader.
7 of 9, Quark and Garrik.
(Ive got another one, but I dont think anyone will remember her.
The rst one who can tell me who Princess Aura has a crush on gets a
No-Prize.)

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All NPC villains (at least anti-heroes) who turn into PCs and join the
good ght. If Lucas can do it, so can you.
(Or, if you prefer, the villain doesnt have to be a PC; he can just stay
bad. But that requires some serious, heavy duty roleplaying on the part
of your player. You have been warned.)

PART FIVE: The Secret

This is the second part of a three-part series about assumptions. The
Big Assumptions. Many of you may have guessed that this months part
was about killing characters.
Youre wrong.
This months episode was about something a lot more powerful than
death. Its about perspective.
(Perspective: use it or lose it. - The Tao of Zen Nihilism)
We all know the players view the world through the Game Master.
Hes their eyes, ears, tongues, noses and skin. But theres an assumption
that goes along with that. Players assume that the GM has to be honest
about those perceptions.
Heh. Let em.
(How many times have you met a beautiful woman who was convinced
she was fat? Anyone who says, Im bad at math is right. So are the
people who say, I cant quit smoking. Absolutely right. Like Richard
Bach said, If you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them.)
People trust their perceptions more than logic, reason and sometimes
even reality. (Thats called faith.) Players are the same way. They
have to trust everything the GM tells them. Hes their only source of
information.
If the players perceive theyre invulnerable, theyll believe theyre
invulnerable. If they perceive theyre just a pack of red shirts, theyll feel
that mortality hanging around their necks.

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If the players believe all PCs are good and all NPCs are antagonists (at
least anti-heroes), theyll lose out on some valuable allies... and leave
their backs open to ringers (a topic well talk about in a few months).
If the players believe that death is the end...
What the players perceive is what their characters believe. Have fun
with that perspective. Be responsible, but have fun.
After all, its only a game, right?

Next month, well tackle another assumption. The last one. Not sure
which one. Maybe youll nd out when I do.
Take care, and youll see me in thirty.
But not if I see you rst.

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(All right, ten seconds to go. Cue audience. Cue Wick. And in ve... four...
three... two... one... )
Welcome back to Players Assume the Craziest Things! And heres your
host, Jooooooohn Wick!!!
Thank you. Thank you. If I could think of something funny to say,
youd all be laughing now.
(cue laugh track)
Well, weve reached the end of another season. Its time to take one
last look at those wacky players and the silly things they assume. So far,
weve talked about starting on an level playing eld, experience points,
character death and even character perceptions. But this last one... whew.
You may want to send the kiddies to bed early tonight, because tonight,
weve got such a whopper, the censors are sweating thirty-sided dice.
Tonight, weve got three lms, all based on a theme. The rst at-home
audience member to call in with that theme wins a special one-year
supply of Eat-a-Sheet, the worlds only edible character sheet.

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Well, lets get on with the rst lm. It comes to us from a Jefferson Carter
of St. Paul/Minneapolis. He calls it Bait and Switch. Lets take a look.
(cut to Carter tape)
Here we have a group of freelance superheroes operating in Twin Cities
area. These happy fellows (and one lady) hire out to the highest bidders,
adopting the If the moneys right, were there for the ght attitude.
Well, that all works well and good until theyre hired by a lawyer
representing an individual who wishes to remain anonymous. My clients
son recently died from an overdose, the lawyer says. Hed like to see
the people responsible brought to justice. You can go where the police
cant go. You can do what they cant. He needs you and hes willing to
compensate for your services.
Thats when he hands over a checkfrom the attorneys law rm
for $50,000.
The next check will be double, the lawyer says, if the criminals are
convicted.
The heroes agree. The operation goes smooth, and the bad guys captured
before you can say unstable molecules. The case gets picked up by the
same legal rm that hired the players and the jury deliberations last about
as long as a Tyson ght. The players receive a hundred thousand dollar
check and they spend it on danger
room renovations.
So, whats the catch?
The man who hired the players doesnt have a son. His name is Hunter
Rose. Hes one of the crime lords of the city.
The criminals were competitors. Now, thanks to the players, Mr. Rose
controls all cocaine on the west side of Minneapolis.
Those wacky players. Well, I guess what they never knew never hurt them.

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Player Assumption #1:

Theyre always doing the right thing.
Girlfriend:

Are you watching this?

Boyfriend:

Not really.

Girlfriend:

That means I can change the channel.

(Click.)
(Insert obligatory, repetitive and redundant Danny Elfman
bouncy, yet creepy theme.)
Hello, kiddies! Your old pal the Wick Keeper here with
another deadliciously demonic tale. This one I call... Bug
Hunt.
(Credit placard reads:)
based on a short story originally appearing in
SHADIS MAGAZINE
written by John Wick
published by Alderac Entertainment Group

Its a sci- scenario that opens in the middle of things. The players
wake up in cryo-chambers to the sound of claxon alarms, screams and
ripping esh; a splash of blood on their faces. They open their eyes and
see spiders the size of cows moving like lightning through the room. A
couple chambers are lled with a thick, web-like substance. If you listen
carefullythrough the screaming claxons and the screaming bodies
you can hear mufed voices begging for help.
The players ght their way out of the room. They ght their way to
their weapons. They ght their way to the bridge and nd out where
they are. Its a small planet with a smaller research station... sending out
an SOS. Thats usually when the players gure out whats missing: their
memories. Obviously, theyre a rescue team here to answer that SOS.
Right?

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Wrong. When they get to the research stationmore spiders waiting

for them outsidethey nd out the truth. Theyre not a rescue team,
theyre mercenaries sent to steal secrets from the research center... at
any cost.
Every corpse in the research station? Thats their work.
Mercenaries. Merciless. Murder, murder, murder.
Turns out the researchers were nding ways to communicate with
the spiders. The creatures are powerful psychics, and research shows
ingesting spider milk is a powerful psychic stimulant in humans. Thats
what the players are here to steal.
Unfortunately, two things went wrong after the mission. The rst was a
group of spiders who snuck on board while they carried out their dirty
deeds. The second problem? The players employers dont want them
coming back. Their ship was designed to detonate when it escaped the
atmosphereonly the spider serum would survive the explosion.
Of course, now that things have gone wrong, the research station
sensors indicate another ship is on its way. A cleaning crew.
Can the players nd a way to communicate with the spiders and save
themselves from a band of bloodthirsty killers?
A group not a whole lot unlike themselves...

Player Assumption #2:

The players are the protagonists.
Girlfriend:

Yuch. Spiders.

Boyfriend:

Youve got the clicker.

Girlfriend:

Yeah. Right.
(Click.)

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The Starbucks Theatre Presents...

The Blair Witch Rip-Off
With your host, John Wick

Open on a group of players (three humans, one demi-human and one

half-breed) in the woods. Its dark. They ran out of supplies a week ago.
They have no int, they have no steel. The NPC they hired (the guy
with the Hunting and Survival Skills) took off two weeks ago... with all
the gold, food and fresh water he could carry. He also got away with the
magical whutzzit the kings gonna pay em ten billion gold pieces for.
Apparently, the NPC wanted the reward more than they did.
How did this happen? The players treated the NPC like... well, like
most players treat NPCs: a pile of bantha poo-doo. So, he left em.
Alone in the dark.
They dont even know how to nd true north.
And while theyre out in the woods, the Ranger saved the kingdom,
married the kings daughter and stand in line to inherit the throne.
Hey, wait a second... was that Dueling Banjos...?

Player Assumption #3:

The world revolves around us.
Girlfriend:

Isnt there anything good on TV?

Boyfriend:

Theres always the Playboy Channel...

Girlfriend:

You had to say that, didnt you?

(Click.)

Its a sin were all guilty of, not just silly players. We all believe were the
hero in a story told for our own pleasure. Like Neal Peart wrote, Were
only immortal for a limited time.

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Players assume their characters are the protagonists. They assume the
story revolves around them. They assume that everything the Game
master tells them is true. They assume everything they know is fact. They
assume everyone in the whole wide world is there for their amusement.
Players assume they will win in the end. After all, the books they read
(schlock fantasy), the TV they watch (Star Trek), the movies they watch
(ID4) all have happy endings. The hero defeats the bad guy, gets the girl
and lives happily ever after.
And most importantly, the hero nevereverdies.
Like in Braveheart. Or Gladiator. Or The 13th Warrior.
Or The Usual Suspects. Or A Tale of Two Cities.
Being a hero doesnt mean you live to see the end of the story. Ask Moses
about that.
Being a hero doesnt mean youre always there when the villain goes
down. Ask William Wallace about that. (The movie version, that is.)
Being a hero means youre willing to make sacrices when they need
to be made. Being a hero means youre willing to give up everything
family, friends, loved ones, even life itselfto make sure justice sees the
light of day.
I read an interview with Wolfgang Petersonthe director of The Perfect
Storm. I was hoping hed tell a certain kind of story. I think Im gonna
get my wish. He said [paraphrasing here], Its a big story about a little
struggle. The 13th Warrior was like that for me. No saving the world.
Just thirteen men standing against thirteen thousand, all to save a bunch
of people too vain to save themselves.
Frank Millers 300 has the same kind of energy. Three hundred Spartans
standing against three hundred thousand Persians, their deaths buying
time for the rest of Greece to get its act together.
So, whats all this amount to?
Theres no such thing as a free lunch. (Im showing my stripes.)

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Ive GMd for groups who thought having big guns made them heroes.
I introduced them to guys with bigger guns. They werent heroes. They
were Swiss cheese in seconds.
Ive GMd for groups who thought having big spellbooks made them
heroes. I introduced them to guys who didnt need spellbooks. Frogs,
every last one of them.
You want to be a hero? It takes more than 100 points, a cool name and
witty banter. Just because you assume youre the hero doesnt make it
necessarily so.
Thats a title youve got to earn.

Small postscript
All right, enough fun for GMs. Next month, an entirely new direction
for the column. Next month, Playing Dirty: The Players POV.
See you then.

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Lets not waste any time this month. Im late, youre impatient and weve
got a lot of material to cover.
This months column deals with a tricky subject: something we authors
like to call creative plagiarism. And before you get any funny ideas,
consider the fact that Wee Willy Shakespeare is the God-King of this
little practice. Bill stole the plots for almost all his plays, but the trick
here is that he changed almost everything else. Like our friend Mister
Lucas, he made old stories in new costumes.
Im gonna give you three plots from Hollywood lms and show you
exactly how to rip them offwhile keeping your dignity at the same time.
Hold on to the safety bar, folks. Were going at top speed this month.
A few cautionary statements.
Pulling this off can be tricky. Youve obviously got to have a good handle
on your players and theyve got to have a good idea that youre gonna
do something like this. At least, they have to understand that when the
campaign ends, not everybody gets out alive.
Now that weve got the preliminaries out of the way, lets get down
to business.

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The Walking, Talking Time Bomb

One of the oldest stories in Hollywood involves a little plot device I like
to call The Walking Talking Time Bomb. As I alluded to last month,
this little gem of an idea came to me from that marvelous lm Escape
From New York, directed by John Carpenter. Im pretty sure I dont need
to go over the premise with you; this is one of the standard staples in
any gamer video library. Sufce to say that our protagonista dubious
anti-hero we know as Snake Plisskengets a tiny little bomb put in
his arteries thatll blow up in the nal seconds of the lm. Its a mean
little incentive to make sure Snake doesnt take off without completing
his mission rst. Well, this puppy has been used in a whole mess of lms
both before and after Escape hit the screens. From a plotting point of
view, it helps a game master in three important ways.
1) It keeps the players on track. All too often, players have a tendency
to wander off course. Im not talking about railroading your friends
onto a one-way plotline, Im talking about when they start making
Monty Python quotes, relating old war stories, stop for a minute to
watch a cool music video, or pull out their Magic cards because they
arent the center of attention at the moment. When they nd out
theres a microscopic bomb in their arteries thats gonna explode in
precisely 17 hours, 24 minutes and 16 seconds, they aint gonna get
distracted by nothing. Theyre always the center of attention.
2) It gives you a time limit. Ever take a timed test? Then you know the
difference, dont you? Something happens when the professor tells
you, You have 45 minutes to nish this section of the test. You
start economizing your time. You dont dally on questions you dont
know the answers to. You start to sweat bullets when that 40-minute
mark hits and youve only gotten through half the questions. Timed
tests are supposed to do that. Timed games are exactly the same.
The players dont spend a lot of time dallying with the bar maid.
They dont spend a lot of time trying to sell off that helmet they
took off the troll they killed (It must be worth a couple of copper
pieces!). When they know theyre gonna die in less than a day,
everything suddenly becomes very important. Which leads us to our
nal very important way this technique helps you as a GM:

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3) Its a test of character. I love that test in the second Star Trek lm.
(No, I cant spell Kobiashi Maru, and I aint even gonna try.) Its
a test of character, Kirk says. Of course later we discover that he
cheated to win, but that shows us something about Kirks character,
now doesnt it? You nd out a lot about someones character when
they nd out theres a bomb in their arteries ready to go off at any
time. You strip away the veneer and get to look at the naked soul
without any of its trappings.
Theres one more important thing, but well talk about that one at
the very end. First, Ive got a scenario for you. A real juicy one, too.
(Suddenly, I feel like the Crypt Keeper.) I call this one...

The Mega-Corporation Just Put

a Time Bomb In Your Head
(Did I mention I really suck at titles?)
Id been running a Cyberpunk campaign for almost a year. It was time to
draw things to a close. As I said before, I dont run open-ended games.
I dont like comic books that run for 700 issues, I dont like sitcoms that
run for 17 years where the characters never seem to change, and I dont
like soap operas. I like stories, and stories have a beginning, a middle
and an end. After a year, it was time to end the story.
My boys (there werent any girls at the time) had been working for a
Megacorp for a few months. What can I tell you, they sold out for the
money. But, they gured they could run little black bag operations when
the Megacorp wasnt looking; kinda biting the hand that fed them sort
of thing.
This was a mistake. As we all know, the Megacorp is always looking. Too
bad for them.
So, I let them know that the end of the campaign was on its way. They
had one more week, and at the end of the following Thursday, the game
would be at an end. My reputation preceded me, and they spent that
Thursday preparing for World War III. It didnt help.

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At the beginning of the game, I put an old white egg timer on the table
and set if for 1 hour. They asked me what it was for. I told them theyd
nd out soon enough. Then, I announced the game had begun and
started the egg timer. I asked each of them where they were and what
they were doing. Each of them gave me the expected answer and I sat
back and watched. For an hour. I did nothing. Said nothing. Just sat
back and watched.
When they asked questions, I answered them as quickly and expediently
as I could. I didnt want to waste their time. But that rst hour, they did
a whole lot of nothing, waiting to see what was going to happen. At the
end of that hour, the bell rang, I rolled a few dice, consulted a homemade chart and looked up at the Fixer. Your head explodes, I told him.
Youre dead.
His pencil dropped to the table like a piece of his brain hitting the oor.
Then, I reset the egg timer and sat back. Waiting.
Thats when the questions started to y.
To make a long story short (Too late!), they spent the rest of that time
guring out what was wrong with them. Turns out, a small nanotech
virus was put in each of them. At the end of each game hour, the virus
would activate in one of them, causing some sort of awful reaction. Each
was different. The rst one was a simple mind-bomb. The second one
erupted into tiny echette rounds that caused 1d10 wounds to everyone
else in the room. As I reset the clock, they made a quick decision to
separate in the nal seconds to make sure whatever came out of the
unlucky soul whose turn it was to detonate didnt harm any of the other
players. The third was a weird kind of fungus bomb that sent spores out
100 feet in every direction. Nasty killer poison spores.
There were only two of them left after that. By then, theyd gured out
that no amount of tinkering was gonna get rid of those bombs. They
had to nd the guy who made them and get him to do something about
it. At around 3 hours and 47 minutes, they found out that the guy who
commissioned the bombs was their contact at the Megacorp (Surprise!
Surprise!). He found out about their black bag sabotage missions and
decided to teach them a lesson. He had the antidote. And he was all the
way across town.

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Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

The fourth guy didnt make it in time. He exploded into napalm. The
fth guy, however, did make it. With two minutes to go. He burst into
the villains ofce, barricaded the doors and sat on the Corps desk and
put a huge, nasty gun in his mouth. I looked at the player standing in
front of me, his hands in the pantomime gesture of holding a big, huge
gun and saw the mad smile on his face. Im gonna detonate in less than
two minutes, he said to the Corp. I dont even know whats gonna
happen to me. But I do know one thing. Whatever happens to me is
gonna happen to you.
A perfect Cyberpunk ending.

So whats the last little thing I mentioned above?

Every second counts. You and me, were dying by the second. Right
now. Youve got a time bomb in your head and its ticking down. You
never know when its gonna go off. You dont even get to see the egg
timer. Every second counts.

How Terrible is Wisdom...

My buddy with the masters degree in lm tells me that lm noir isnt
about murders, missing statues, femme fatales and cities without pity.
Rob tells me that the whole theme of the genre (uych) is Who am I?
As the private investigator goes through the dirty city looking for
answers, hes really looking for himself. Just as the above theme lets us
take a look at the inner workings of a protagonists soul, so does this
kind of journey allow us to transform it. We start off with caterpillars
and we end up with butteries. The PI starts looking for a missing
person and ends up nding himself.
Heres how it works.
The lm Im invoking is a nasty, bloody affair directed by the same
guy who directed Evita. Of course, he also directed The Wall, and The

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Commitments. Were talking about Alan Parker, and the lm is Angel

Heart. (If you havent seen this little gem just yet, you may want to skip
down a bit. In other words, were about to enter spoiler territory. The
feint of heart may wish to skip this part of the ride.)
Harry Angel is a cheap private eye hired by a very rich fellow named
Louis Cyphre to nd dance-band scumbag crooner, Johnny Favorite.
Angels journey leads him on a dark path. He discovers Favorite was a
real bastard, a dirty man with a black, sorcerous soul. By the end of it, our
little nickel-and-dime PI nds himself in the middle of an unspeakable
sorcerous crime.
Johnny sold his soul to the Devil and when it came time to pay up, he
switched his soul out with a soldiers, thinking he could disappear, leaving
the Devil with an unfullled contract.
Of course, you know where this is going. Johnny Favorite and Harry
Angel are the same man. Harrys been looking for himself the whole
time. And our buddy Louis Cyphre (masterfully played by Robert De
Niro) was the one who sent him on the journey to begin with. Theres a
great quote from Oedipus (one of the oldest stories exploring this theme)
at the end of it all: How terrible is wisdom when it brings no prot to
the wise.
The theme of the whole thing is clear. We have to be careful with wisdom.
We have to make certain were ready for it when it comes knocking on
our door. Knowledge isnt always a blessing; sometimes, its damnation.
This is the key theme to Call of Cthulhu, but thats an easy out. Lets use it
somewhere else. Somewhere players would never expect it.

Heroes for Hire

For a very short time, I ran a Marvel Super Heroes game. This was long
after my Champions days. The club I was running at loved the game,
and asked me to run a campaign. Unfortunately for them, I knew a bit
more about the Mighty Marvel Universe than they did. Okay, thats a
lie. I knew a whole lot more than they did. I set them up as a freelance
troubleshooting group. Kind of a Heroes for Hire trick. They liked

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it and we got on with the game. Their motto was a whole lot like the
motto of the crew in Deep Rising: If the moneys there, we dont care!
This kind of attitude got them in a whole lot of trouble. Of course, they
didnt see the trouble until it was much too late. Two quick examples.
They got hired by a representative of a foreign embassy to retrieve
a stolen jewel. A large, multifaceted red jewel. Of course, they didnt
ask any questions. In fact, they didnt even ask which embassy the guy
was from. Turns out the jewel was stolen by a wealthy, unscrupulous
collector. They trashed the guy, got back the jewel and returned it to its
rightful owners: the Latverian Embassy.
Then they got hired by a large corporation to take care of a little
embezzling problem. One of that corporations side projects was
developing weapons for the government. Seems these fellows were
stealing secrets and selling them to undisclosed parties. While they
never discovered who those parties were, they did bring the criminals
to justice. They were very highly paid for their servicesby the Fisk
Corporation.
More than a few of you already know whats going on. Our buddy
Doctor Doom is the man who rules Latveria, and that red ruby is one of
the Merlin Stones. The Doc needs em to go down to Hell and rescue
his mom. A noble cause. Even if it means stealing stones from their
rightful owners to complete his collection. And any fan of Spider-Man
or Daredevil knows exactly who Wilson Fisk is. Unfortunately, my
players only knew him by his nom de guerre: the Kingpin of Crime.
I pulled this trick a few times, and they never suspected a thing. Not
until the Avengers came knocking on their door, that is.

A group of heroes hired by a mysterious fellow. The path they walk

leads to darkness. Its not the kind of darkness that Harry Angel nds,
its more of a candy covered darkness, but it still proves a point. Player
ignorance is a powerful tool. Especially the self-inicted kind.

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Again and Again and Again...

Last story for the night. A lot of folks like calling this The Groundhog
Day Cheat, but thats not where I got it from. Granted, its the most
famous use of this little theme, but Bill Murray wasnt the rst fellow to
nd himself trapped in a reoccurring nightmare.
You know the story. Bill has to live the same day over and over and over
again until he gets it right. Specically, he has to gure out how to win
his true loves heart. Until then, hes stuck.
Well, the theme were working with here worked for me rather well
when I wanted to get folks to play Over the Edge and they wanted to play
AD&D. Some of you may remember that I covered that little ditty in the
article Deja Vu written for Shadis magazine. In essence, the characters
were reliving the same day over and over and over again, trapped in a
loophole of time. But as soon as one of them died (a suicide in my case),
he awoke naked in a canister of goo under the island of Al-Amarja,
surrounded by the other players in the same kind of canisters. The death
triggered a malfunction in the computers maintaining the fake reality and
the rest of the characters awaken from their enforced sleep.
But thats not the theme were dealing with here. What were dealing
with is a very difcult question to answer, even for folks who study it.
What were dealing with is the question: What is real? Movies like The
Matrix, The Usual Suspects, and Fight Club are the best examples of this
theme. But why would you throw it at your players? Its a tough curve
ball to hit. Ive often told people that the characters Ive created for
my games are more real than I am. After all, more people know about
Bayushi Kachiko than John Wick.
Its one of my favorite themes. So many people only believe what
they can perceive, ignoring the fact that because theyre human, their
perceptions are awed. So much goes on in our world that we cant see,
so much important stuff. On the other hand, we take a lot for granted.
How does your clock radio work? How does your VCR work? How does
the phone work? So much technology, and so few people who really
understand what makes it tick. (Tick, tock. Tick, tock.)
Whats real? Lets take a look at that little subject in a story I like to call...

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Self-Referential Awareness with a Lemon Twist

There are a whole lot of angles to this one. In short, its letting the
characters know that theyre characters. Most folks learned this trick
when they tried making themselves up as characters in their favorite
system. (How many points are you worth in GURPS numbers?) Of
course, soon after, they have to run a game with those characters. Are
you a Thief or a Fighter? A Magic-User or a Cleric? (Im a 4th Level
Bard, myself. The new bard, not the Fighter/Thief/Druid kind.)
A few others learned it from the second edition Over the Edge RPG
under the title Self-Referential Awareness. The last time I did it, I ran
it as listed. I just added little of a lemon twist to make it a bit more...
deadly. It can be found on page 224. What it boils down to is revealing
to your characters (not the players) that theyre PCs in a roleplaying
game. How do you respond to that kind of knowledge? What do you do
with that kind of knowledge? Heres how I did it. You may want to do it
a bit differently. (I should also repeat the warning found in OtE 2nd: Do
not try this while your players are on psychedelic drugs.)
After a few months of running a Chill game, I hit them with the Deja
Vu scenario. Their Chill characters woke up in Over the Edge with
no memory of who they were or how they got there. They spent
another few months guring out their new environment. Finally, they
were approached by a fellow who told them he could answer all their
questions. They went to a dark warehouse, where the mysterious gure
then gave each of them a copy of the Over the Edge 2nd book. He
told them they were characters in a roleplaying game. Even showed
them their character sheets. Finally, he showed them a room where ve
gures were tied to chairs with hoods thrown over their heads.
These, of course, are the characters players. And, the mysterious
gure says to them. The only way to be free
Thats when the gure gives them a gun.
All your pain. All your suffering. All of it comes from them. They did it
to you. They did it for fun. The only way to be free is to kill them. Only
then, will your fate be yours. Until then, youre just pawns.
You should have seen the looks on their faces.
Did they pull the trigger? Sorry. I dont kiss and tell.

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Scent of a Woman through the lens of a fantasy game turns into a party of
rst-level adventurers nding themselves in charge of a blind 19th-level
Fighter who wants one last Huzzah! before the curse put on him nine
years ago hits him on the full moon of this month. Last Action Hero turns
into a story of a Feng Shui character who suddenly nds himself in an
Unknown Armies game, chasing after the Fu Manchu clone who plans on
using his powers to wreak horror on the more mundane reality. And
dont tell me that any GM worth his salt cant turn The Usual Suspects
into a dynamite AD&D campaign.

So. Here we are. At the conclusion.

They say imitation is the highest form of attery. They also say that
good artists borrow, but the best steal. Stealing ideas and telling them
with your own voice is a time-honored storytelling tradition. Dont
be ashamed of it. Find stories anywhere you can. Steal em without
prejudice. Kurosawa did it with Ran, Throne of Blood, and Yojimbo. So can
you. Of course, Kurosawa changed the matter to communicate it to his
audience. So can you.

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Lets start with a quick story.

At the beginning of any game, I ask my players, So, what are you
guys focusing on? After all, nobody can focus all their attention on
everything they do all the time. So, I make them choose that One Thing
theyre practicing. All their XPs go toward that One Thing. All of them.
They cant switch their focus until that One Thing goes up in Rank/
Level/Ability. If they do, they lose all the XPs they invested. Thats
called keeping your focus.
Its a little trick, but its a good place to start for this months column.
For those of you who dont keep score in the Pyramid Forum, someone
suggested I write a column on how a Dirty GM rewards his players.
Well, I started that column about seven times, but never got further
than a few paragraphs. The problem? I couldnt keep focus. I couldnt
keep on one subject without stumbling onto another one. Each was
a big enough subject to deal with all on its own, and Ive got a word
count here (otherwise, Id go on and on and on...), so this week is the
beginning of a series.

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In this series (I think its going to be a three-parter), well take a look at

a few assumptions that nearly everyone takes for granted in roleplaying
games, and how a Dirty GM turn those assumptions to his own
advantage. This month, we begin our series with one of the greatest
assumptions in roleplaying, and when I say greatest, I mean Greatest.
Im talking about Experience Points.
Nearly every game system uses them (including the three I designed),
but thats not the point Im trying to make here. The point is: Nearly
every game system uses them exactly the same way. This is so prevalent that
you dont wonder if a game system uses XPs, you just assume it does. So
this month, lets take a look at a few ways to play dirty with rewards.

The First Great Assumption: American Heresy

The rst one starts before anyone even rolls a single die or writes
a single number on the sheet. Its the thought that All Characters
are Created Equal. The assumption that all characters are equal is
ridiculous. Is Elric equal with Moonglum? Is Aragorn equal with
Gandalf? Is Frodo equal with Aragorn? Now, granted, Fafhrd and the
Mouser are pretty equal, but theyre the exception rather than the rule.
The fact of the matter is that roleplaying games are supposed to
simulate the literature that inspired them. In fantasy literature, wizards
are more powerful than anybody else. Only in game ction is there a
sense of equality amongst the group, and thats because those groups
were built from characters created within a game system that spouted
game balance. The Fellowship of the Ring was not a group of balanced
characters. Nor were the folks running around in Shannara or the
characters in the Thomas Covenant sagas.
So, I suggest you try something new the next time people create
characters. I suggest you make them do a write-up of their character
before they even touch a character sheet. If the players ask you, How
long should it be? fall back on the old English 101 answer: Make it as
long as it has to be.

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Then, as you look through each description, give out character creation
points based on those writings. And I dont mean Just reward the longwinded guys. Heres an example from my very own head.
Like I said in a previous column, I got the chance to play in a
Vampire game recently. The character concept I started with was the
Toreador assassin (killing is his art) from my New Jerusalem stories.
Unfortunately, Jack Flash (with the 5 Dexterity, 5 Firearms, 5 Melee and
5 Celerity) wasnt all that interesting to play. There was no character in
that character.
On the other hand, the character I wound up playing was much more
interesting. He was an Assamite who lived eight hundred years ago.
Instead of sneaking into castles, he sent a very formal letter saying, Im
coming to kill you. Ill be there on the 17th. Make whatever preparations
you need to make. Youll be dead by dawn. Unfortunately for the
Assamites, my little buddy found Buddha and ran away to the mountains
to nd spiritual peace - for eight hundred years. Hes come back recently
because hes had a vision: the peace he seeks is in Los Angeles. So hes
back, the guy who used to send kind notes, and while hes still a killing
machine (5 Dexterity, 5 Melee, 5 Brawling, 5 Celerity), he chooses not to
use his skills because hes found inner peace (Humanity 9).
Now, lets pretend Im two different players, each presenting you with
the above characters. Both of these characters look identical on the page
(although one speaks Old English and the other speaks French), but
dont you think one of them deserves a little bonus? Theyre both killing
machines, designed to abuse the combat system beyond comprehension,
but theres some character in the Assamite. Besides, as a GM, I can screw
around with the Assamite. He balances himself out right well. But that
Toreador I have to watch out for. I have to come up with super-bad
killer NPCs to keep his quick self in line. But the Assamite keeps himself
in line. All of his conict is inside his own head. In Electric Johnland,
the Assamite gets whatever character points he needs to make up his
character. The Toreador, on the other hand, gets exactly what the game
system allows.

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Too Many Hams, Not Enough Pineapple

The real problem with rewarding Experience Points is the
uncomfortable feeling that youre rewarding the good roleplayers and
punishing the average ones. Joe isnt a great roleplayer, but hes a good
one. He shows up every week, plays out his character to the best of his
ability, and always brings chips and sodas. Tim, on the other hand, is a
natural wit. He always gets a great laugh, always knows exactly what to
say, and is always on his toes. He gures out how to fast-talk the guards,
knows how to sweet-talk the princess and gures out all your traps in
half a heartbeat. Of course, that means Tim always gets that bonus XP
at the end of the game and Joe gets left out in the cold.
See the problem here? Joes not getting the bonus XPs because hes
playing to his ability and Tims getting those bonus points because... hes
playing to his ability.
All too often, we game masters (and I did say we) reward the
hams while forgetting about everyone else. Old improv rule (that I
learned from those Sea Dog folks): you cant have ham without a little
pineapple. In other words, its all ne and good to give rewards to the
players who put themselves in the forefront of the party, but dont forget
the guys in the back.
But John, you say. What kind of reward can we give Joe? After all,
Tims entertaining. Hes making the four hour game session interesting.
Arent we supposed to reward players who get into character and make
the game fun?
Yes. Yes, you are. But theres more than one way to reward a player. Even
the quiet ones.
For example, Joes character is a wizard. He doesnt talk much. He
spends most of his time in Tims shadow. However, like we said above,
hes always there for the rest of the party. He always shows up on time
and always brings chips and soda. He doesnt do funny voices, or get
into character like the rest of the party, but hes always there with the
right spell, just when the party needs it.

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So, reward Joe for what he is doing. And dont reward him at the end
of the game, reward him when he acts. Immediately. (Especially when
its his spell that saves Tims overcondent hide.) When Joes choice of
spells is innovative or clever, give Joe bonus XPs to his spellcasting right
then and there. Show him that youre paying attention and you know that
what hes doing isnt as ashy as Tim, but its just as necessary. A little of
this kind of help goes a long way.

Rewards by Proxy
Heres another little Experience Point trick. Tell each of your players
they have one Bonus XP they get to award to someone else tonight. Only
one. When someone else does something super duper fantastic, they can
reward that player with their Bonus XP.

Rewards Without Experience Points

Even the term is misleading. Experience Points. Ive never liked the
fact that XPs can increase your Contacts, Friends, Allies or other Social
Bonuses your character has. Experience Points should improve whats
inside you. Maybe Experience Points are more like Insight Points.
Maybe theres another kind of XP that helps you develop your Contacts,
Friends, Allies and other Social Bonuses, eh?
Or maybe we should think outside the box for a second and gure a way
to reward players without using points.
We all know there are a lot of different breeds of gamers. Some
like social characters, others like combat characters, still others like
introspective loner characters. Each deserves his own unique brand of
reward. In other words, drop the whole generic XP thing and gure
out a way to reward each individual character with something that will
really make his eyes shine.
Had me a player who loved his Duelist character back when I was
running AD&D. Now this guy was the luckiest fella you could ever meet.

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Always rolled 20s on this little jewel red d20. Thing was beautiful. Had
a bubble in it. The character he played was an elven swordswoman
who was cocky to the extreme. We didnt have the Overcondent
Disadvantage back then, or she would have had it. This little Duelist was
his favorite character. Lady Luck, he used to call her. And so, when the
time came to reward Lady Luck, I reached into that GM back of tricks
and pulled out two things.
The rst was a beautiful red ruby - with a aw in its heart. It was a
Luckstone. Added one to every roll she ever made. The second was
a sword a Sword of Sharpness. I think you know the language Im
talkin here.
Another fella in the game played a Dwarf Berserker. The problem with
this little guy is that he was under a curse: he couldnt talk. If he muttered
even a single word, hed go nuts and kill everything in the place. Once
again, I reached into that GM bag and pulled out... a Dwarven Hammer.
You know, the kind that comes back to you when you throw it and kills
giants with a single blow? The only problem was the hammers magical
properties would only work... when its name was spoken.
(Come to think of it, I cant remember if this was my D&D game or
someones that I played in. Memory can be a tricky thing sometimes, eh?)
Social players (the lovers, not the ghters) are even easier to reward.
Every lovely lady they charm, every warlord they impress, every prince
they poetically ponticate (sorry, got carried away) is a magic item onto
themselves.
The lady can use her own beguiling beauty to win the character favor in
court, thus getting him into the best parties, shaking hands with the real
movers and shakers. You know the rule: Its not what you know, its who
you know. But then again, making friends in high places isnt the only
way to reward a player.
A bard in one of my D&D games stopped in the street to tell a group
of children a story. He wanted the XPs (he needed ten to hit the next
level), and I told him, Tell a story and youve got it. It was a great
story, and I gave him the XPs he needed.

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A little later, that glib tongue of his got himself (and the rest of the party)
into trouble with a band of nastiness in a local tavern. The party was
outnumbered three to one, and the fellows had black poison dripping
from their twisty blades. But then, a dark cadre of men stood up in the
corner of the room and pummeled those rufans into a bloody mess.
When the ghting was done, one of the shadowy fellows walked up to
the bard and said, I heard that story you told the children this morning.
Brought a tear tme eye, it did. Then, the rufans walked away.
That same band of rufans turned out to be the best allies the party ever
made. They were the Thieves Guild.

No Work, No Roll
Every GM rewards his players for good roleplaying in one way or
another. Some GMs say, If you roleplay it, I wont make you roll it.
Others say, If you roleplay it, Ill give you a bonus to your roll.
Check this one out. (By the way, a future game system may well include
this trick. It was my trick, so Im using it here, but if you recognize it,
remember where you saw it rst. Besides, the folks I gave it to are cool,
so theyll give me proper credit for it. I hope.)
I recently had a discussion with a few friends about a religious RPG
theyre developing. They asked me for advice. I took a look at the system
and was very impressed. But something was missing. I just couldnt gure
it out. After a few hours of pizza and sodas and character creation, it
came to me.
They were using Faith.
Now, in my book, Faith sums up to Believing in something you cant
prove. If youre gonna have Faith in an RPG (something Im guring out
in Orkworld right now), you cant call it faith. Theres a mechanic for it.
Players can see it. Players can prove it. That aint Faith. Thats Devotion.
And with that thought, another came to me. The game system should
really use two sets of dice: d10s and d6s. If the characters were serving
their god, they got to use d10s. If they were serving their own worldly

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interests, they only got to use d6s. Problem is, the Target Numbers
dont change. Heh, heh, heh.
(Of course, now that I think of it, we could always throw in the Sinful
Rule: serve the Enemy, you use d4s.)
Thats one for all you clerics out there. Hope you get to see it soon.

Last Trick
Back to the Vampire game. When my players got Blood Points,
they got them in the form of Hersheys Kisses. You know, the kind
wrapped up in red?
When Viscicitude came to town (a nasty vamp disease for those who
dont know), I started giving out the ones with the crunchy middle. By
the time they bit down, it was already too late.

End of Part One

Experience Points are all well and good, but they arent the only way
to reward your players. The best way is to look at the character sheet
and nd a reward that ts. A reward that complements the character in
some way.
Dont let the assumptions get you in a rut. Find new ways of handling
everything. See you next month when we tackle another Great
Assumption. Maybe something small next time; something like
Wounds. Or maybe Game Balance. Yeah. Game Balance. That should
shake a few nests...

EPISODE 9

PLEASE SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE?

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(A Minor Prelude: Thank you to everyone who found me at Origins and said,
I love your column and use your techniques all the time! Big thanks also go
out to the people who said, I really like your column. I dont use the ideas, but
they give me different ideas to use. Thanks also go out to the people who said,
I like your column. I disagree with nearly everything you say, but its fun to
read, so I try to catch it every month.
(Thanks guys.)

All along, weve been discussing dirty tricks the GM can use to make
sure his players are on their toes, jumpy, and unsure about which way
the story will turn next. Well, you guys get a break this month. Its your
turn to go rent a movie, pop some popcorn, and watch TV.
(And who knows, maybe the readership will pick up. I hear theres more
players than GMs, ya know.)
So, all you GMs: get lost! Its time your players and I had a little chat.

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Right, now that weve gotten rid of the fat, let me tell you a little secret
about your GM.
Despite all the perils he puts you through, despite all the traps and
deadly poison needle triggers, despite the beasts and evil barons and
blunderbuss bearin bugbears, deep down inside... he wants you to have
a good time.
Dont you think you should be doing a little of the same thing for him?
He wants you to be entertained by all of his shenanigans. Ive got some
dirty little tricks for you to play that not only make sure that you stay
one step ahead of that GM, but also keep a smile plastered on his face.
That way, he never knows just how hard youre workin him.

Breaking the Rules

Ive mentioned my Vampire character before. You know, the super-duper
killing machine Assamite nobody can stop?
Well, just recently, he went through an entire police station. Yeah. True
Arnie moment. He didnt use a single gun. He didnt kill anyone. He
broke a lot of bones, pulled a lot of tendons and threw a whole heavin
lot of nerve punches, but he didnt kill anyone.
The reason? We needed to get into that cop station and get one of the
other players out before the sun rose.
Now, I have to admit, my assassin fully abuses nearly every combat rule
in the Storyteller System, making him the most dangerous thing on
the planet (player characters are the center of the universe and dont let
anyone else tell you any different).
But that police station was the rst time he ever used any of those
combat skills. The rst time in more than a handful of sessions. Why?
Because thats when the party needed him to use them.
The moral here? GMs will let you get away with murder if it helps the
party. Murder, or at the very least, a whole lot of broken knee caps.

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Player and Character Knowledge

Lets get rid of one assumption right quick. This whole Player vs.
Character Knowledge hoo-la has got to go. The reason we use this rule
is because naughty players use it to their own advantage at the expense
of everyone else.
I open the door from the left side, carefully avoiding the poison dart
trap, stepping on only every third tile, putting 60% of my weight on my
left foot while singing The Yellow Rose of Texas... whats that? No, I
havent read the adventure.
Yeah. That guy.
The fact is, a player sharing knowledge with his character can aid the
group and make the whole roleplaying experience a lot more fun.
For example, lets say your character has the Intelligence of bantha
poo-doo. Yeah, hes not supposed to know that opening the Black Book
of the Dead is a bad idea. Hes not supposed to know that (accidentally)
catching the pages on re is an even worse idea. And hes not supposed
to know that spilling the sacred wine on the pages is the worst idea in
ten thousand years.
The mummy comes to life, attacks the group, and you all run for
your lives.
Thats player knowledge in the characters head. Breaking the rules. And
you just helped out the GM by kick-starting his campaign.
Good-Player-You. Have a Hersheys Kiss.
Another example.
Your character knows absolutely nothing about nuclear fusion. You,
on the other hand, are the God-King of Nuclear Physics. How many
movies/comic books/novels have you read where the guy disarming the
Big Bad Bomb has no clue what hes doing, and he disarms the thing
anyway because he gets lucky?
If you make it entertaining, if you make it t the plot, if you dont abuse
the power the GM has given you, hell let you get away with it. Trust
me on this.

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Its because hes a sucker who wants to make sure his players are all
having a good time. As long as everyone is laughing at the end, youre in
the clear.
Lets try another one.

A Little Psychology
It doesnt matter how long youve been playing with your GM; you
should know him pretty well by now. You know the kind of books he
reads, the movies he watches and the TV he lets rot his brain. You
should also know the kind of games he runs. That is knowledge, and
knowledge is power, my friends.
Lets abuse it.
The Wife is a great example. She knows I like to run big, mythic games,
full of symbolism, heroism and little victories. Because she knows
that, shes nearly always fairly certain she wont get killed until the
dramatically appropriate time... if she gets killed at all. So, she pulls off
all kinds of daring stunts, daring me to whack her character.
She knows me too well. And she abuses that knowledge with the same
kind of joyful glee the Grynch stole Christmas.
My buddy D.J. also knows the kind of game I run. I have nasty NPCs.
They spend a whole lot of time plotting against the players. Well, in my
Amber campaign, he and another player (The Wife, again) ganged up on
one of my NPCs, shunting him into a Shadow (parallel world for you
non-Amber literate folks) that was an endless sewage pipe. That got rid
of my chief villain NPC, forcing me to change plans.
As soon as I was off balance, they started implementing their own plans.
They made sure my chief foil was in a sewer Shadow, and they took
advantage of it.
If you know your GM doesnt esh out NPCs, start getting
conversational.
If you know your GM doesnt run good combats, get into ghts with

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important people. (This works especially well if you know how to ght and
he doesnt.)
If keeping you on your toes is good for players, its good for the GM, too.
(However, intentionally going against the grain of the GMs plans is just
rude. Knowing he wants you to save the princess and you just blow her
off kills the game. Were not talking about that here. Were talking about
keeping the GM unsure about which way youre going, not killing the
entire evening for everyone.)

You Just Did What?

You want to really give your GM a hard time? Expand your character.
Groosome the Barbarian, the biggest, baddest, dirtiest, rudest, horniest
barbarian this side of the Iron Spine Mountains just found God. Hes had
an epiphany. He has to serve his God. He throws off his barbarian leathers,
tosses his axe and breaks his bow across his knee. Then, he rushes into the
church and explains that God wants him to do the Good Work.
You can hear the GMs jaw dropping, even as we speak.
Spikey the Thief, the most clever, conniving and cunning pickpocket this
side of the Bloodwash River, just fell in love with a barmaid. The most
beautiful barmaid hes ever seen. Spikey pulls out all the gold hes pilfered
over the last few days and tells her hes on his way to buy a wedding ring.
Right the hell now.
Of course, Groosome and Spikey dont derail the campaign with their
newfound faith and love; theyre just adding spice to the stew. Groosome
goes out on the adventure without a single weapon in his hands, hoping
to win over the kobolds, giants and ogres with the Good Word. After all,
if it was enough to convert him, it should be enough to convert them, too.
And Spikeys still going down in that dungeon, hes just gotta make sure all
the gold and silver he gets go toward that ring. And wouldnt his new bride
like those tapestries? And those boots? And those chests.

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A Terminal End
Its a bit short this month, but Ive been busy. I had to get Orkworld to
the printer, pack up my house, get galley copies of Orkworld for Origins,
pack for Origins, y to Origins, y back from Origins, supervise movers,
pack up road trip stuff, drive from San Bernardino (LA) to Petaluma
(San Francisco) and get ready for a New Job with Totally Games. Very
busy this month, but Ive got one last Player Trick for you before I go.
Tell your GM how you want your character to die.
Be very specic.
Then, when the opportunity arises, snatch it and hold on with both
hands. Wrap your legs around it, sink your teeth in and dont let go.
Go with a bang and a smile.
Take care, and Ill see you all in thirty.

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Hi. Remember me? Im the kid who had an article called Play Dirty
a while back. Then, I disappeared. Some of you may be wondering
where I went, what Ive been doing with my time. More than a few of
you probably either dont remember me or couldnt really give a d4
where Ive been. But, for those who are curious, let me just say that
Ive been busy getting paid to write. Its good work, if you can nd
it. I did nd it, so Ive been doing it, because as Robert Wuhl in Bull
Durham so sagely observed, It beats working Sears.
In the meantime, Ive rediscovered an old ame. For a long time, I
gave up on gaming. Just gave up on it. Wrote a novel, wrote for a
video game company, kept a journal of my adventures... but I just
didnt do any gaming. Not until I bumped into a group who reminded
me why I love it so much. These wonderful folks who reminded me
why I love gaming and I return the favor by doing absolutely awful
things to their characters.
And so now, in celebration of Pyramids 10th anniversary, Mr. Marsh
writes to me and asks, John, wed really like a Play Dirty for the 10th

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anniversary. Can you send us something? Well, Id walk on re for Mr.

Marsh (as long as they gave me asbestos boots), and for such a big event,
I should give him something hugelike Atlas huge, like Zeus libido
huge. But, instead Ive got something very small.
I share with you now one of the little tricks Ive used in that time
since we last talked. I say little, because it is, really. A trie. Barely a
mechanic at all. Cant even call it a technique. Its just this tiny, little
thing I did for a tiny, little player of mine. The smallest thing in the
world. But, then again, as my Grammy used to say, Its the little things
that make the soup.
And who knows... if Marsh digs it, maybe Ill send him another one. But
only if he sends me those boots...

Happy Fun Ball Meets the God of Murder

Theres a new girl in my life. I say girl, because thats what she is.
Barely out of high school, but smart and cute as a button. And bouncy.
Shes gained the Secret Superhero Nickname of Happy Fun Ball.
Cute, bouncy, and full of potential disaster. Do not taunt Happy Fun
Ball is what everyone says whenever someone gives her a hard time.
Cause you just dont know what shes capable of.
Happy Fun Ball works with me at my current place of employment
(which shall remain nameless... until the bio section of this article) and
when she found out I was running a Dungeons & Dragons game, she
jumped at the opportunity.
(Yesbelieve it or not, a Dungeons & Dragons game. One of the not-sodirty secrets Ive learned of being a good GM is you run what the players
want to play, not what you want to run. Remember this rule, and, as the
Umpa Lumpas sing, you will go far.)
The game isnt your standard hack n slash campaign, though. Oh, no.
Ive got something much more interesting in mind. At least, interesting
to me, and hopefully, interesting to the players.

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Thieves. Just thieves. No, not rogues. Thieves who call themselves
rogues are like Trekkies who call themselves Trekkers. Lame.
All of themall six of themhave taken at least one level of thief. And
the game takes place in The City. Theyre all members of the guild, and
they have to pay dues, and they have to watch out for members of rival
guilds, and dodge the town guard. Carrying a weapon is illegal... without
a permit. Using magic is illegal... without a permit. Doing just about
anything is illegal... without a permit. So, even being adventurers is illegal
without paying the proper taxes to your local representative and carrying
around a nifty piece of paper that says its okay for you to do it. This is
the campaign setting, lled with mystery, intrigue, and plenty of places to
loot and get rich.
Like I said, everybodys got at least one level of thief. Weve got the
thief-ranger (hes a city ranger), the thief-sorcerer-noble, the thiefmonk, the thief-thief (thats Happy Fun Ball), and the thief-paladin.
Yeah. A paladin of the Goddess of Thieves. Pardon me while we take a
very long aside here.

I can get away with a thief-paladin this because Ive ditched alignment.
Funny how many ideas that liberates, eh? Besides, if you think about
it, the whole thing makes perfect sense. It all came to me after a
conversation I had with Jess Heinig (who gets mentioned here because
this is half his idea anyway).
Paladins tend to have a high charisma. The high charisma tendency
indicates someone with a lot of air and panache. The paladin archetype
we gamers are all familiar with is a chivalrous soul who adopts righteous
causes, helps the helpless, thwarts the wicked, all that good stuff. When
applied to a medieval character, we get images of Arthur, Lancelot,
and the like. But, what if we applied it to a Renaissance gure, or
a Restoration gure? And why dont we just throw on a little bit of
roguery on to that paladin... and voila!
As a goodly soul, the paladin-thief is a gentleman of high character
who inspires others and gives them the courage to survive. When he
lays on hands, its not I lay on hands and heal you with divine power,

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its I sweep you into an embrace and kiss you and tell you that you cant
go... . The thing to remember is that the ideas of virtue and vice
here are the Renaissance or Restoration-era ideals, not the early middle
ages ideals we commonly associate with Dungeons & Dragons. Thus, the
paladin-thief does in fact smite evilbut thats because he casts down
villains and has the strength to ght against people of low character
cheaters, robber-barons, people who abuse women, liars, etc.
Conversely the paladin-thief is an example to others of how to be a
courtly gure: You can still be witty, be involved in romances, even be
involved in some nocturnal hijinx. The difference is that the paladinthief does things with a pure heart and conscience. He rendezvous with
his secret sweetheart out of a pure love and romantic ideal, not out of
some treacherous desire to possess her and destroy his rivals. He races
across rooftops at night helping his larcenous friends because he hopes to
lead them into worthwhile causestweaking the nose of an overbearing
church, throwing down unjust rulers, inspiring the populace to nd their
own inner heroic strength. He is not a man with a rigid and inexible
dogmatic code that says I cant have fun, I cant steal, I cant be in
romances. Hes a man with a romantic code that says I must inspire
others, I must never let the wicked rest, I must abide by law in public
but in private I am driven by charity and compassion for my fellow man,
especially those who are downtrodden by a wicked society.
Thats the thief-paladin. Feel free to use him. Just make sure to thank Jess
for him, because without Jess, he wouldnt exist.

Anyway, one of the antagonists our party encounters is a priest of

the God of MurderIkhalu. See, he and his brother had a bet at the
beginning of time about who would be the God of Death. Each made a
house for men to rest in when they died. Ikhalu made his difcult to get
intoso only the worthy would enter. His brother, Khalee, made his easy
to get intoso anybody could enter. The men chose Khalee, and Ikhalu
got pissed. Now, hes the God of Murder, and his priests use daggers that
steal mens souls and send them to Ikhalu. So, when an assassin-priest of
Ikhalu kills you with one of his magic daggers, you go off to that black
fortress in the sky. Whats morethe guy who killed you? You (and

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everybody else he killed) get to serve him when he enters the House of
Ikhalu. The assassin-priests of Ikhalu. Theyll be seeing your d20 System
shelf any day now.
These guys, theyre one of the rst antagonists my party meets. Now,
Happy Fun Ball, shes never played a roleplaying game before (she says
Im ruining her for other GMs; a gross miscalculation of my skills,
I assure you), and were playing Dungeons & Dragons... but a slightly
modied version. A wicked version you might say. Because Ive
introduced a little mechanic called Hero Points into the game. Not a
new idea, not even a novel one. Just a way for the players to get little
bennies now and again and modify really bad die rolls.
Well, our Happy Fun Ball has chosen her thief to be a specialist in
knives. So, while theyre all ghting these assassin-priests, she sees one
of those magic knives in the dead hand of an Ikhalu Priest... and I tell
her to make a Willpower Save. She looks confused at me. What for?
she asks.
Just do it, I tell her, rmly, but with a smirk and a wink, just to let her
know nothings gonna kill her. So, she does. And she fails. And I say...
The next thing you knowyouve got the dagger in your hand.
Happy Fun Ball jerks in her seat. Ive what? she asks.
And, I continue, theres an Ikhalu priest with his back turned to you.
The smirk stays on. That means if you attack him now, youll get your
full sneak attack damage bonus.
She nods. Okay, she says.
You dont need to roll to attack, I tell her. Your strike hits perfectly.
Roll for damage and assume you got a critical.
Shes smiling now. Shes not too much of a noob to know what that
means. She rolls a whole handful of dice and adds up the damage. She
tells it to me. I dont even consult the guys hit points. Why bother? The
moment is the moment, and its moving fast. No need to ruin it with
number checking now.
Your knife enters his back, slips between two ribs and nds his heart.

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You feel the pointed blade slip into the muscle there, and you feel
something cold rush down your arm, into your chest, and down into
your own heart... before it slips away.
The thief-paladin asks, Was that his soul?
I say nothing. Okay. Thats a lie. I do say something. Annie, I say to
Happy Fun Ball. You get a Villain Point.
The whole table gasps. Weve been playing for many months now, and
theyve never even heard of Villain Points.
Whats a Villain Point? she asks me.
It cant be anything good, says Evilzug, the thief-sorcerer-noble.
Wanna know what it does? I ask Happy Fun Ball.
She nods. I smile. Then spend it, I tell her.
She shudders and hides under the hood of her sweatshirt. Poor little
thing.
Happy Fun Ball has had that Villain Point for a few months now.
Every time shes in trouble, every time one of the other characters is in
trouble, every time they could really use a hand, I always turn to her and
say, You know, you could spend your Villain Point.
Thats when she shrinks down and pulls the hood of her sweatshirt over
her head.
Poor thing. One day shell nd out what a Villain Point does. And so
will the other PCs. But, until that day, theyll just have to sweat it out...
knowing that one of them has a Villain Point. And could spend it at any
moment.
Now, you may be asking, just what does a Villain Point do? Faithful
Reader, the answer to that question should be obvious! It is obvious to
all those astute GMs out there who have used the same technique. It
isnt a new one. Its a very old one. Something I picked up a hundred
years ago in Tibet from a wise old GM who taught it to me in exchange
for a d16a rare artifact, indeed.

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What does a Villain Point do? My friend, you just saw what it does. It
sits on Happy Fun Balls sheet and stares at her. Reminds her that shes
capable of doing something awful... something dreadful... something
dare we say it?EVIL.
Thats what it does. It mocks her, torments her, and yes, even taunts
her (do not taunt Happy Fun Ball). And I dont have to do anything
at all. Just ask her once a session, when shes rolled really cruddy and
someones at 9 hit points and really needs help right the hell now... and it
says to her, I could help... all you have to do is ask.
Just one little Villain Point. Its changed the face of the game. Gave it a
depth it didnt have before. Brought to focus what all the other PCs are
capable of becoming. Villains. And it teaches them something else, too.
That not all villains are born evil.
Some are smart, cute, bouncy girls who duck under the hood of their
sweatshirts when things get hot. To hide from that little point at the top
of her character sheet.

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Rule #1:
There are no rules.
Rule #2:
Cheat anyway.