Iamnotsmartwithwords,butIworkhardeverydayofmylife.

WhenIcomeonboatIhaveonlyshirtandpants.ThefoodisnotkosherandIsoon
begintostarve.Inmiddleofocean,Itradepantsfortinofherring.Isverycoldwithout
thepants.ButIsurvive.
TheysendmetoBrooklynandIfindjobinpicklefactory.Everyday,Icrawlthrough
gearsandpulloutrats.Isnotsoeasy.Theratshavesharpteethanddonotliketobe
touched.ButIworkhard.WhenIstartin1908theypaymeeightycentseachday.By
1912theyaregivingmeninetycents,plusbowlofpotatosoup.
IfindbeautifulgirlnamedSarah.Herleftlegislamesinceyouth,butshehasallher
teeth.Sheisverycleverandteachesmetospellwords.Isaveuppenniesallweeklong
soonSundayIcanbuyhertreat,likeseltzerorsaltfish.
Whenwemarry,andsheiswithchild,westayuplateeachnightwhispering.Wemake
greatplans.Wewillhaveson,andhewillhaveson,andsoonandsoonandsoon.And
somedayyearsfromnow,whenwearedeadandgone,ourfamilynamewillstandfor
strengthandhonor.Somedayourhopesanddreamswillcometopass.
OnedayatworkIfallintobrineandtheyclosethelidabovemebymistake.Muchtime
passes;itfeelslikelongsleep.Whenthelidisfinallyopened,everybodyisdressed
strange,incolorful,shinyclothes.Idonotrecognizethem.Theytellmetheyare
conceptualartistsandarereclaimingtheabandonedpicklefactoryforaperformance
space.IrealizesomethingbadhashappenedinBrooklyn.
Thesciencemencomeandexplain.Ihavebeenpreservedinbrineahundredyearsand
havenotagedoneday.Theydescribetomethereason(howthischemicalmixedwith
thatchemical,andsoonandsoon)butIamnotpayingattention.AllIcanthinkofis
mybeautifulSarah.Yearshavepassedandsheissurelygone.
Soon,though,Ihaveanotherthought.WhenIfreezeinbrine,Sarahwaswithchild.
MaybeIstillhavefamilyinBrooklyn?Maybeourdreamshavecometrue?
Thesciencemanturnsoncomputingboxandtypes.Ihaveonegreatgreatgrandson
stillinBrooklyn,hesays.Bycoincidence,heistwentysevenyears,justlikeme.His
nameisSimonRich.IamsoexcitedIcanbarelybreathe.Maybeheisdoctor,oreven
rabbi?Icannotwaittomeetthismantolearntheendingofmyfamilysstory.
HowaboutThaifusion?Simonasksme,aswewalkalongthestreetwhereIonce
lived.Thisplacehastheseamazingglutenfreegingerthingies.
Hegesturesatcrowdedrestaurant.Itusedtobemetalfactory.

Areyouacilantroperson?heasksme.
Idonotknowyourwords,Iadmit.
Oh,hesays.Dontworry,theresabagelplacearoundthecorner.
IsighwithreliefandfollowSimonintostore.Heorderstwobagelswithcreamed
cheeseandhandsmeone.Icannotbelievehowlargeitislikesomethingtofeedan
entireIrishfamily.Itakethreebitesandputtherestincoat,tosaveforsupper.WhenI
lookupatSimonIseethathehassomehowalmostfinishedhiswholebagel.Heis
eatingsofast,Icannotunderstandit.Itislikeheisinraceandmustshoveallthebread
inhismouthorelsehewilldie.Betweenbiteshegulpsfromhisdrink,whichisbottle
ofgreensugarwaterthesizeofbucket.
Gatorade?heasksme.
Iamtoorepulsedeventorespond.
Eventually,hehaseatenallthefoodandswallowedallhissugars.Iwaitforhimto
catchhisbreath,butthenIcanwaitnolonger.
Please,Isay.Imustknow.Whatpathhaveyouchosenforyourlife?
Simonsmilesproudlyatme.
Imascriptdoctor,hesays.
Ishakemyheadwithastonishment.
Thatissowonderful,Isay,myeyesfillingupwithtears.Iamsoproud.Icannot
believemydescendantismedicaldoctor.
Simonavertshiseyes.
Itsactuallyjustascreenwritingterm,hesays.ScriptdoctormeansI,like,punch
upmoviescripts.
Istareathimblankly.
Punchup?

Youknow,like,addgags.
Whatsortofgags?
Heclearshisthroat.
Letssee.Well,thescriptImworkingonnowisaboutaguywhoswitchesbodies
withhispetdog?SoImaddingallthesepuns,likeImdoggonemad!andIvegota
bonetopickwithyou!Youknow,thingslikethat.
Alongtimepassesinsilence.
Soyouarenotmedicaldoctor.
No,Simonadmits.Iamnot.
SimonsaysheishappyIwasbrined.Hehasalwayswonderedwhatitwouldbeliketo
hangoutwithhisgreatgreatgrandfather.
Weregoingtohaveablast,hesays.Brooklynhasgottensoawesome,itscrazy.
IaskhimifheknowswhatbecameofmySarah.Heshakeshishead.Hehasworked
veryhardtoresearchourfamily,journeyingallthewaytoplacecalledAncestry
Dotcom.ButallhecouldfindaboutSarahwastheaddressshesharedwithmein
Williamsburg:283Bedford.
ThatsanAmericanApparelnow,hesays.Butdontworry.Youcanstaywithme
foraslongasyouwant.
HeleadsmedownAtlanticAvenue.Wepassmanystrangepeopleswearingtightpants
andcircusmustaches.
So,Isay,sadly.Ifyouarenotrealdoctor,Iassumeyoudidnothaverealeducation.
Oh,sureIdid,hesays.IwenttoHarvard.
Iamamazed.
MyGod,Isay.DidtheyknowthatyouwereJew?
Itsprettydifferentnow,hesays.

Whatdidyoustudy?LatinandGreek?
Nah,IwasanEnglishmajor.
Isquintathim.
Idonotunderstand.YoudidnotspeakEnglishbefore?
No,Ispokeit.
Thenwhydidyoustudyit?Whatwasthepurposeofthat?
Simonignoresmeandgesturesatlargebrownhouse.
Hereweare,hesays,grinning.Notbad,huh?
Ilookupatbuilding.Itisenormous.
Areyouservanthere?Iask.
No,hesays,laughing.Iowntheplace!
AtthispointIbecomesuspicious.
Whatotherjobsdoyouhavebesidesthedoggags?
None,hesays.Imafulltimescreenwriter.
Onceagain,Iamconfused.IhavebeenwithSimonallday.Heclearlydoesnotwork
fulltime,notevenclose.Iexplainthisfacttohim.
Letsjustgoinside,hesays.
SimonandIlookverymuchthesame.Wearebothtall(fivefeetseven)andhave
handsomebumpinnose.Therearedifferences,though.Forexample,hishandsarevery
soft,likewomans.Also,hisarmsareweakandsmall.TheyremindmeofbabyIsaw
oncewhohadtheinfantparalysis.

WhenIfirstmoveinwithSimon,Idonotreallyunderstandwhatitmeanstobescript
doctor.ButasthedaysgobyIlearnaboutthejob.Thewayitworksisthis:eachday,
fortwentyminutes,hesitsdownandtypesupwords.Theresthespendscomplaining.
Imsopissedoff,hetellsmeoneday.TheyhiredmetopolishthenewSpy
Donkeysequel.Butjustlookingatit,itsgoingtoneedapageonerewrite.Its,like,I
didntsignupforthis.YouknowwhatImean,Hersch?
Idonotknowwhathemeans.Butitisclearheisupset,becauseheisdrinkingsomuch
alcoholsinthemiddleoftheday.
Thatsoundsbad,Isay,tryingmybesttobepolite.
Itsrealbad,hesays.TheresnowayImdoingawholefuckingdraftforthem.
Its,like,yougottadrawthelinesomewhere,youknow?
Herefillshisalcoholglass.
Youeverdealwiththiskindofbullshitatthepicklefactory?
Ithinkaboutit.
Therewasonetimemyfriendgotcaughtinthegears,Isay.Anditrippeduphis
torso,throughthechest.Andtherewasbloodcomingoutofhismouthandhewas
screaming.AndIpleadwiththemtostopthemachine,becausemyfriendisdying,but
noonelistenstome,andmyfriendkeepshowlinguntilheisdead.AndforyearsIsee
hisfaceinsidemydreams,withthebloodcomingoutofhiseyesandhismouth,
beggingformetopleasesavehim.
Simonsaysnothingforawhile.
MaybeIlljustdothedraft,hemutters.
OnenightwehavedinnerwithClaire,agoyishwomanSimonmateswithindefianceof
ourLord.
So,sheasksme,whereareyoufromoriginally?
Slupsk,Itellher.
ItsnearthePolandLithuaniaborder,Simonexplains,withbigsmileonhisface.He
iswrong,butIdonotcontradicthim.Heseemsveryproudofknowingthisonefact
aboutme.

Thatssocoolyourefromthere,Clairesaystome.Ivealwayswantedtovisit
EasternEurope.
Ifoldmyarmsandsquintather.
Whywouldyouvisitthere?
Idontknow,shesays,shrugging.Ihearitsgotareallycoolartscene.
Ileaninclosetoher.
TheonlysceneinSlupskispeopleeatinghorsemeattoliveandkillingeachotherfor
potatoes.
Ipointmyfingeratherface.
YoumustnevergotoSlupsk,Iwarnher.Itiscityofdeath.
Oh,shesays,softly.O.K.
Shestandsup.
Imgoingtocutupthetofu.
Thanks,honey,Simonsays.
You must never go to Slupsk!Icalloutafterher.
Whengirlisgone,IgripSimonsshoulderandstarehimintheeyes.
Thatgirlistoothin,Isay.Shehasnotlongtolive.
Simonchuckles.
Thatsjusthowgirlslookthesedays,hesays.Look,Illshowyou.
Heopensthick,smellybookwithshinypages.Itismagazine,heexplains,calledThe
Vogue.
Thismodelsfamous,hesays,pointingtomostlynakedwoman.Shesmarriedto
OrlandoBloom.

Isquintatthepicture.Thegirlisverypale,withvacanteyes.
IhaveseenthisdiseaseinSlupsk,Itellhim.First,theycoughtheblood.Thenthey
begintoshake.Theyaskforthewater,butwhenyoubringthemsometodrinkitmakes
themvomituptheblack.Theydiescreaming,theireyeswideopen,afraid.
Clairereturns.
Whowantstofu?sheasks.
Please,Itellher.Eatmyportion.
***
Oneday,Iwakeuptothesoundofyelling.ItisSimon.Heiskickinghisfootagainst
hisdesk,shoutingprofanities.
Motherfucker!hecries.FuckingGoddamnedfuck!
Ijumpupfromcouchandrundownhall.ItisclearSimonhasexperiencedatragedy
somethingmonstrous,likethedeathofsomeoneclose.Igettohisofficeandgently
opendoor.Simonissittingathisdesk,shakinghisheadandmutteringunderhisbreath.
Hisskinispaleandheisoutofbreathfromscreaming.
GoddamInternetsdown,hesays.Secondtimethismorning.
Whatisinternets?Iask.
Itsathingoncomputers.
Whatiscomputers?
Ittakeshimlongtime,buteventuallySimonisabletoexplain.Acomputerisamagical
boxthatprovidesendlesspleasureforfree.Simonisusedtoconstantaccesstothisbox
aneverendingflowofpleasures.Whentheboxstopsworkingorevenjustbriefly
slowsdownhebecomessoenragedthathecursesourGod,theonewhogaveuslife
andbroughtusforthfromEgypt.
ItsTimeWarner,hetellsme.Theyrethefuckingworst.
Hebangshisfistagainsthisdesk.
HowamIsupposedtogetworkdonewithoutInternet?

Iglanceathiscomputermachine.Iamstilllearningaboutmoderntechnologies.ButI
amprettysurefromlookingatitthatSimonhasnotbeendoingwork.Therearethree
boxesopenonscreen.Infirst,thereissportsscores.Insecond,thereispornographies.
Inthird,thereisSimonsownname,typedintothingcalledGoogle.
Simonnoticesmelookingathiscomputerandquicklystepsinfrontofit.
Iwastakingabreak,hesays,hisvoiceloudanddefensive.Youmusthavetaken
breakssometimesatthepicklefactory.
Istrue,Isay.Whenevertherewasfire,wewouldgettoleavefactoryuntilthey
finishclearingoutthedead.
Hisphonebeginstoplayloudsong.
Imsorry,hesays.Igottatakethis,itsmyagent.
Hepicksupphoneandpacesaroundoffice,apainedlookinhiseyes.
Ialreadysaidnotothat!hesays.NoIdontwanttopunchupanymoresequels.
Becauseitscompletelyunfulfilling.Itssomeoneelsescharacters,someoneelsesplot
Imsupposedtobeworkingonmynovel,forGodssake.
Hepausesmidstride.
Theyreofferingwhat?Forjustsixweeks?Holyshit.
Hecontinuestopace,butslower,andwithastrangeexpressiononhisface.Itreminds
meoftimeIsawhurdygurdymangethitbybrick.Hewasveryembarrassed,andalso
inpain(becausethebrickhadbeenthrownintohisgenitals).Buthisdesireformoneys
wassogreathecontinuedtoplayhissong,andtrytodancehisjig.
Youknowwhat?Simonsays,inascheerfulavoiceashecanmake.Thatsactually
anexcellentideaforaZooCrewmovie.Imean,theyalreadyhadCaptainCowgoto
outerspaceinthefifthone.Buthesneverbeentothemoon.
Hisvoicelowers.
Doyouthinkwecangetthemtogoupevenhigher?No?O.K.justchecking.
Heputsawayphoneandwemakeeyecontact.
Whatareyoulookingat?heasks.

Iamjuststandinghere,Isay.
***
ThatnightSimonsgoycomeswithgiantbagofvegetables.
Iheardyoureintopickling,shesays.SoIwentonEpicuriousandplannedapickle
themedmenu.Werehavingbroiledtroutwithpicklebutterandapicklevinaigrette
saladontheside.
IntruthIdespiseeatingpickles,becausetheyremindmeofthedeathsofmanyfriends.
ButIdonotwanttoberude.
Itisgenerous,Isay.
Itsnothing,shesays.Iwantustobecomebetterfriends,youknow?
Shetakesoutanonionandbeginstochopit,veryslowly,inanincorrectway.When
Sarahchoppedvegetable,sheusedbig,heavyknife.Shewouldholdoneenddownand
thenswiftlylowerbladelikeitwaslever.Clairechopsonionusingtiny,skinnyknife,
makingonelittlecutatatime.Wewillnoteatformanyhours.
Ivebeenmeaningtocookmore,shesays.Simonlikestogoouteverynight.
Betweenyouandme,Imgettingprettysickofit.
Sheisbarelyhalfwaythroughtheonionwhentheknifeslipsandslashesherfinger.
Fuck!shescreams.Ow,fuck!
Shestartstocryasherbloodseepsontocounter.Suddenly,Ihearthesoundofanother
womanshriek.IspinaroundandamsurprisedtoseethatitisSimon,standingthere,
withhishandsoverhiseyes.
Oh,myGod!heshouts.Yourfuckingfinger!
WhatdoIdo?Clairecries.WhatdoIdo,whatdoIdo?
Idontfuckingknow!Simonsobs.Fuckfuckfuck!
Isighandgrabgirlshand.Sheresistsme,soImustshushherlikeachild.
Isfine,Isay.Isbabycut.

Ipourliquidsoapoverherfingerandrunfaucet.ShescreamsandIhavetoshushher
again.
Isfine,Isayagain.Ifix.
Igrabarag,ripoffstrip,dryhercut,tiethewound,andpull.
There,Isay.Isbetter.
Claireslowlycatchesbreath.
Thanks,Herschel,shesays.
Simonsighsloudlyandstepsoutfromtheshadows.Somehow,atsomepoint,hehas
pouredhimselfgiantglassofalcohols.
Well!hesays.Gladthatsbehindus.Howaboutwegrabsometapas?
Heisstartingtoputoncoat,whenClairewavesarms.
Wecant,shesays.IplannedoutawholemealforHerschel.
Simonsquintsather.
Butyourfingersallfuckedup.
Itsjustababycut,shesays,smilingwideatme.Shehasallherteeth,Inotice,just
likeSarah.
***
EventhoughClaireisbadatcooking,andbelievesinfalseGod,anddresseslike
prostitute,withbothanklesexposed,sheisnotsostupidaperson.Iknowthisbecause
sheisalwaysreadingbooks.Ihavereadbooksbeforearedoneandalsotwoblue
onessoIknowalittlebitaboutit.ButClairesbooksaremuchlarger,withhard
covers,andpagesfilledwithnumbers.
ShesgettingaPh.D.insociology,Simonexplains,whenIaskhimaboutit.Overat
Columbia.
Whatdoesshereadsomuchabout?

Somethingwithimmigrationreform,Ithink?Tobehonest,Ikindoftuneoutwhenshe
startsblabbingaboutit.Itsaprettyboringthingtostudy.
Thiscommentisstrange,Ithink,comingfrommanwhostudiedEnglishincollegea
languagehealreadyspoke.ButIsaynothing.
Oneafternoon,Iammendingshirtinlivingroom,whenClaireenterswearingpackon
back.
MindifIstudyinhere?sheasks.
Isfine,Isay.
Ittakesherlongtimetospreadmaterialsontotable.Thereispencils,papers,books,
ruler,electricnumbermachine,erasingstick.Thelastthingshepullsoutisthe
strangest:itisterrifyinggolemwithwrinkledfaceandpurplehair.Shenoticesme
staringandsmiles.
Thatsmyluckytrolldoll.Ivestudiedwithitsincemiddleschool.
Inod.
Isitfromwitch?
IthinkitsfromKmart.
Ipickupandexamine,makingsurenottolookintoitseyes.
Simonsalwaysmakingfunofit,Clairesays.
Thatismadness,Isay.Heisaskingforcurse.
Shelaughsforsomereasonandopensupherbook.Beforeshecanstartstudying,
though,Simonentersholdinghiscomputer.
Readthis,hecommands,ploppingitontoherlap.Tellmeifitsfunny.
Imkindofswamped,shesays.IsitO.K.ifIreadittomorrow?
Sure,Simonmurmurs.Noproblem.

Hesighsheavily,likeheisinpain,andreachesveryslowlyforhiscomputer.
O.K.,O.K.,Clairesays,afterafewsecondsofthis.Illreadit.
IwatchasSimonbeginstopacetheroom,hisbabyarmsshakingathissides.Everyfew
stepsheglancesatClaire,towatchherface.
Eventually,shelooksupfromthescreen.
Itsfunny,shesays.
Simonglaresather.Youdidntlaugh.
Clairehesitates.
Wellmaybeitsnotlaugh-out-loudfunny
Simongroansintohishandslikeamanwhohaslosthisfamily.Clairehopsoutofchair
andbeginstostrokehisback.
Simon,itsgreat!shesays.Thepartwherethedoggetsautotuned?Thatsgoingto
kill.
Simonpeeksoutbetweenhisfingers.
Youdontthinkitscheap?
No!Clairesays.Itsgreat!Really,reallygreat.
Inoticethatsheisusingthewordgreatalot.Itremindsmeofwhenmybossgaveme
tourofpicklefactory.Hekeptusingthewordsafe.Thesegearsareverysafe,he
wouldsay.Or,Thatbeltisperfectlysafe.Themorehesaidthewordsafe,themore
Istartedtothinkthatthingsweremaybenotsosafe.
Itsgreat,Clairesaysagain.Thestudiosgoingtoloveit.
Really?Simonasks,hisvoicehighpitchedlikeagirls.
Yes!Clairesays,smilingaswideasshecanmakeherlipsgo.
Simonsighswithrelief.
O.K.,hesays.Great.

Hegrabshiscomputer,knockingdowntrollbymistake.Whenheisgone,IshootClaire
alook.
Heisaskingforit,Iwhisper.
ShelaughsasIsethertrollupright.
***
OnFridayevening,IcombmyhairsandknockonSimonsdoor.Iamsurprisedtosee
thatheismostlynaked.
Whatareyoudoing?Isay.Itisalmostsundown.WehavestillnotsaidourShabbos
prayersofthanks.
Simonmoansintohishands.
Herschel,couldyoujustdothemwithoutme?Iminthemiddleofsomething.
GodcommandsustorestonShabbos.
Herschel,Ivegottaturnthisinby5P.M.L.A.time.
ButitisShabbos.
Damnit,Herschel!hesays.Iknowreligionsabigpartofyourlife,andIrespect
thatorwhatever,butitsnotapartofmine.IdontevenbelieveinGod.
Iamsoshockeditisdifficulttobreathe.IdidnotsayanythingwhenIlearnedthathe
atebacons,anddidnotownyarmulke,andspokenoYiddish(exceptforseveralwords
thatallmeanpenis).ButtolearnthathehaslostfaithinourGoddespiteallthe
blessingsinhislifeitistoomuchtobear.Itistoomuchformetounderstand.
Howdoyougetthroughyourdays?Iwhisper.Howdoyoufindmeaning?
Hethinksforawhile.
Throughmyart,hesays,finally.ThatshowIfindmeaning.O.K.?Throughworks
ofart.
Isquintatthescriptheisworkingon.
WhatisMonkeyPresident?

Heavertshiseyes.
Idontwanttotalkaboutit.
Igrabthescriptandthrowitathischest.
No,Iwantyouto!Isay.Iwantyoutotellmeaboutthisartyoudothatisso
meaningfulitwouldmakeyoumisstheShabbos!
Heflipsthroughhisscriptandsighs.
ItsaboutamonkeywhobecomesPresident.
Isquintathimwithconfusion.
Howwouldthishappen?
Hewinsanelection.
Soheisabletospeak,thismonkey?
Simonthrowsuphishandsinfrustration.
Doyoureallywanttoknow?Orareyoujusttryingtomakemefeelbad?
Yes,Isay.IwanttoknowhowthismonkeybecomesthePresident.
Hesighsagain.
HewinsabreakdancingcompetitionontheInternet.
Thatmakesnosense.
YouthinkIdontfuckingknowthat?heshouts,throwingthescriptdownonthe
floor.Itoldtheminsixmeetingsthatitdidntmakeanyfuckingsense,buttheywont
listen,Herschel!Theywantthemonkeytobreakdanceinevery scene.IntheOval
Office,onAirForceOne
Hisvoicebeginstobreak.
Themonkeysalwaysbreakdancing.

Iputmyarmaroundhisshoulder.
Maybeyoushouldquitthishorriblework?
Herschel,itsnotthateasy,hesays.Theyrepayingmethousandsofdollars.Icant
turndownthatkindofcash,especiallywhenImtryingtosaveupforahouse.
Iamconfused.
Youalreadyhavehouse.
Iknow,hesays.Butabigger,wideronejustwentupforsaledowntheblock.
Hepointsoutthewindow.Therearemanybrownstoneseverywhere,butIhavenoidea
whichonehemeans.Theyalllookexactlythesame.
***
ThenextdayClairerunsintohouse,laughingandshouting.
Imfinished!sheshouts.
Finishedwithwhat?Simonasks,hiseyesstillonhiscomputer.
Clairesighs,crossesherarms,andmarchesupstairs.
Herfinalexams,IwhispertoSimon.
Oh,right,hesays.Fuck.
Herunsupstairs.
Honey,Iwasjustkidding!Congratulations!Letscelebrate!
Ihearsomewhisperedarguing,followedbythesoundofSimonpleading.Eventually,
hepersuadeshertocomebackdownthestairs.Shehasputonshinyshirt,Inotice,and
paintedhereyelashesblack.
Bettergetdressed,Herschel,Simonsays.Weregoingtohitthetown!
Iamdressedalready,Isay.Myshirtismended.Iamreadytogo.

Simonbiteshislip.
Youknow,Hersch,Iwasthinking,maybeyoudliketotryanotheroutfitforachange?
IvegotsomeoldTedBakerstuffIbetwouldfityou.
Iamnotonewhotakescharity,Isay.Myshirtismended.Isfine.
O.K.,hesays,wavinghishandsintheair.Justoffering.
Heheadsforthedoor,andClaireandIfollow.Wearealmostoutofhouse,whenClaire
suddenlyspinsaround.
Oh,no,shesays.IforgottomorrowsSunday.
So?Simonsays.
Themaidscoming.
Simongroans.
Honey,theplacelooksfine.
Clairekicksoffhershoesandrunsdownstairs.
Justgivemeasecond!
Fuck,Simonmutters,whensheisoutofearshot.Thisisgoingtotakeforever.
Ihearthesoundofmoppinginthekitchen.
Idonotunderstand,IwhispertoSimon.WhyisClairecleaningifyouhavehired
maid?
Becauseshesnuts,hesays.Heopenswoodencabinetandpoursoutglassof
alcohols.
Icanhearmoresoundsfromkitchenthestackingofplates,thescrapingofpots.
Eventually,Clairecomesupstairs,holdingyellowsponge.
YoucansavealittleworkforHong,Simontellsher.

HernameisHahn,shesays.AndImjustdoingthelowsurfaces,becauseofher
back.
Iamveryconfusedaboutwhatishappening,butIsaynothing.ThemoodistenseandI
donotwanttogetinvolvedwiththings.SimoncheckshiswatchasClairefinishes
spongingthetables.Bythetimesheisdone,hehasdrunkhisentireglass.
Readynow?heasks.
ClairespongeswetspotwhereSimonhasspilledsomeliquor.
Ready,shemutters.
Simonpausesinfrontofautomobileandstaresathisreflectioninthewindow.Heis
wearingpurplescarf,eventhoughtheairishotandthereissweatalloverhisface.
Wherearewegoing?Iaskhim.
Cabin,hesays,runningfingersthroughhishair.ItsthebestbarontheLowerEast
Side.
CantwejustgotoFontana,orsomething?Claireasks.Theresgoingtobeahuge
line.
NobodygoestoFontanaanymore,Simonsays,wrappingthescarftighteraroundhis
neck.Cabinswaycooler.
Howcoolisthiscabinthatyouneedscarf?Iask.
Clairelaughsforlongtime.Idonotunderstandit.
Comeon,Simonsays,grabbingClairebythewrist.
IfollowthemdownAvenueA.TheLowerEastSide,Inotice,hasnotchangedmuchin
onehundredyears.Thewomenarestillemaciatedanddressedinrags;themenstill
wearbeardsandhavesadeyes.
Eventually,aftercheckingpurplescarfintwomorewindows,Simonbringsustothe
barthatiscalledCabin.
Thereitis,hewhispers,alookofreverenceonhisface.

Isquintwithconfusionatthesmallestablishment.Itlooksthesameasalltheotherswe
havepassed.Theonlydifferenceisthatthereisredropeinfrontofit,guardedbyscary
Negrogiant.
Hey,man,Simonsaystothegiant.Coolifthethreeofusgoinside?
Sorry,thegiantsays.Privateparty.
Assoonashesaysthis,threetallmeninshinyshirtsappear.Thegiantstepsaside,
allowingthemtoenter.Simoncursesunderhisbreath.
Whatisthisplace?IaskClaire.
Justsomecelebrityhangout,shesays.
Whatiscelebrity?
Its,like,somebodypeoplecelebrate,becausetheyredoingsomethingspecialwith
theirlives.
IsSimoncelebrity?
Shehesitates.
Kindof?Imeanyouknow,insomecircleshessortofwellknown.
IturntowardSimon.Heispleadingwiththegiant,hishandsclaspedtightlikea
beggars.Hedoesnotlooktomelikecelebrity,butwhatdoIknowaboutit?
ClairestartstoshiverandIsoonbecomeworried.AsImentionedbefore,sheisvery
thinandextremelyclosetodeath.Itisnotgoodforhertostandoutsideinthecold,
dressedinnothingbutherprostituteclothes.Herarmsarenakedalmosttotheelbow.I
starttowishthatIhadwornmywoolsoIcouldgiveittoher.
Simon!Ishout.Youmustgivethewomanyourscarf!
Simonturnshisbacktous,hiseyesaverted.Itisobviousheispretendingnottohear
me,sothathecancontinuetowearscarf.
Idonotunderstand,Isay.Whatishisthingwiththatscarf?

Clairerollshereyes.
HegotitinLondon,shesays.Hessoobsessedwithithewonteventrustmeto
hangitupforhim.Hesaysitshistrademark.
Simontrudgesbacktous,withbigforcedsmileonface.
Justgivemeafewmoreminutes,hesays.Immakinginroads.
Heisadjustinghisscarfyetagainwhenhiseyessuddenlywiden.
Hey,itsB.J.!
Hepointsatthebarsentrancewithbothhands.Ahandsomemanisleavingbarto
smokewithbeautifulwoman.
Who?Iask.
B.J.Novak,Simonsays.Hesanactorwegowayback.
HehustlesdownthealleyandthrowsarmsaroundthisB.J.
Whatsup,buddy?
Theactorsmilesnervously.ItisobviousthathedoesnotknowSimonandisafraid.
Remember?Simonsays.WemetinL.A.lastyear.DuringthetablereadforIce
Chimps.
B.J.sfaceturnsredasthebeautifulwomanstartstolaugh.
YouwereinIceChimps?sheasks,herlittlenosewrinklingwithdisgust.
Justacameo,B.J.says.
HeplayedWayneChimpsky!Simontellsher.Hewashilarious.
B.J.forcesasmileandpatsSimonontheshoulder.
Sogreatrunningintoyou,hesays.Ithinkweregoingtoheadbackinside.

Sweet!Simonsays.Illcomewith.
ThenextthingIknow,Simonisfollowingthembackintothebar,hisarmsaroundthem
likeheistheirfriend.
Thisguywithyou?thegiantaskstheB.J.
Iguess,theactormutters.
Simongrinswithprideastheguardstepsoutofhisway.Heisalmostthroughthedoor
whenherememberswearewithhim.
Quick!hewhispers.
Wescurryinbesidehim,likeratsacrossagangplank.
See?Simonsays,asweshufflethroughthecrowd.Pieceofcake!
Where?Iask.Ihavenoteatendinnerandamhungry.
Itsjustanexpression,Claireexplains.Itmeanseasy.
Sothereisnocake.
No,shesays.Imsorry.
Isfine,Isay.
Wesitdownattableintheback.Itisnexttothebathroomandcoveredwithfilth.Ifind
theleastdisgustingchairanddrawitoutforClaire.
So,Isay.Tellme,howwastheexam?
Itwasreallyhard,shesays.Onthelastessay,withfiveminutesleft,IrealizedId
forgottentomentionthePerkinsReport.
WhatisPerkinsReport?
Its,like,thestatisticalbackboneofimmigrationreformtheory.SomehowId
forgottentoincorporateit.

Thatsawesome,Simonsays.
Weswiveltowardhim.Heisfacingthebar,hispupilsdartingbackandforthinobvious
searchforcelebrities.
Thatsawesome,hesaysagain.HeywhowantsaManhattan?
Illjusthaveabeer,please,Clairesays.
Gotcha.Whataboutyou,Hersch?
Idonotdrinkalcohols,Iremindhim.
Gotcha.
Hegetsupfromtableandheadsforthebar,hispurplescarfflutteringbehindhimlikea
tail.ItrytospeakmorewithClaire,butitisimpossible.Thepersoninchargeofthe
musicmachinehasgonecrazy.Heisplayingtworecordsatthesametime,mixingthe
songstogethersothatitallsoundshorrible.Theroomissoloudandcrowdeditreminds
meofwhenIwasinsteerage.Iwantedtosurvive,buttherealsowasapartofmethat
prayedforthesweetreleaseofdeath.Eventually,Simonreturnswiththeliquors.
Sorrythattooksolong,hesays,handingClaireamurky,browndrink.
YouwantedaManhattan,too,rightsweetie?
Hereyelidsflutterwithannoyance.Sheswallowsherdrink,grimaces,andthengoesto
thebarbyherself.Bythetimeshereturns,holdingbeer,Simonhaslaunchedintostory
aboutmakingIceChimps.Icannotunderstandmostofhiswords,butthegistofitis
that,yearsago,hesaidajokeatatableandafamousmanlaughedathisjoke.Thatis
hiswholestory.Butittakeshimnearlyfifteenminutestosayit.Forthefirsttimesince
meetingSimon,Istarttowonderifheispossiblyretarded.Hetalkslikemycousin
Moishe,whowasbornwithtrianglehead.Hisstoriesgoonforeverandhaveno
meaning.
SimonisabouttotellanotherstoryabouthisbelovedIceChimpswhenatallgoy
withslickhairwalksovertoourtable.Icantellheisdrunk,becauseheisswayingback
andforthandhasredcheeks.
Hey,girl,hesaystoClaire.Howsyournightgoing?

Claireignoresthestranger,buthesitsdownnexttoher,asiftheyareintimates.I
quicklymoveaside,sothatSimoncanconfronttheman.Buttomygreatsurprise
Simondoesnotseemtonoticethedrunksbrazeninsults.
Whatsyourname?heasksClaire.Heissmiling,butthereisviolenceinhiseyes.
Imhavingadrinkwithmyboyfriend,Clairemumbles.
Themanlaughs.
Doesntmeanyoucanttellmeyourname.
IlookatSimon.Hehaspickedupanalcoholsmenuandissquintingatit.
Iminfinance,themanslurs.InoticethathehasinchedclosertoClaireonthecouch.
Theirlegsarealmosttouching.InudgeSimon,buthecontinuestostareatthealcohols
menu.ItisatthispointthatIrealizewhatishappening:Simonseesthedrunk,butis
pretendingnottosohecanavoidcombat.
Iaskedyouforyourname,thedrunksaysagain.Whatsthematter?Youdeafor
something?
HelayshishandonClairesthigh,asifsheishiswife.SheglancesatSimon,hereyes
widewithpanic.Simonsarmsaretwitchingslightlyandhisjawisclenchedwithfear;
buthiseyesremainedfixedonhislittlemenu.
Now,Iamnotthebravestperson.AsboyinSlupsk,Iwasafraidtowrestlebears,and
onlysometimeswrestledbears.Andonce,whendoctorknifedoutmyappendix,Iasked
foraspirinpill.ButIcannotjustsittherewhileamandishonorswoman.
Ileanacrossthetable,sothegoycanseemyeyes.
Shedoesnotwanttosocializewithyou,Isay.
Helaughsoncemore,hismoistlipscurlingintogrin.
Whothefuckareyou?
Shedoesnotwanttosocialize,Irepeat.Pleaseleaveourtable.

Atthispoint,Simonhasnochoicebuttolookupfromhisdrinksmenu.Hisfaceispale
withfear.
Herschel,hewhispers.Calmdown.
Iignorehim.
Leaveourtable,Itellthedrunkagain.OrIwillviolenceyou.
Thedrunkreachesacrossthetableandgripsmyshoulder.
Doyouhaveanyideawhoyourefuckingwith?Myfriendownsthisplace.
Leaveourtable,Isayagain.OrIwillviolenceyou.
ThemanlaughsoutloudandIsigh.Idonotenjoyfighting,butsometimesthereisno
choice.Ipunchthemansface,throwhimonground,kickhisface,punchhishead,and
smashglassintohishead.TherearesomescreamsandthentheNegrogiantthrowsme
outthedoor.MybrainhitsgroundandIlosetime.WhenIwakeup,Claireiskneeling
besideme.
AreyouO.K.?sheasks.
Iaminsomepain,butmanagetomakesmile.
Isfine,Isaytoher.Itwaspiecesofthecake.
***
Thatnightoncouch,withbagoficeonhead,Irealizesomething:Ihavestayedin
Simonshomeforoneweekstimeandhavenotcontributedanythingtohishousehold.
Ihaveneverbeenonetoliveonhandouts.Enoughisenough.Itistimetomakethings
right.
IgotoSimonsoffice,findpencilandpaper,andmakelistofconsumptions.Itisvery
upsettingtoseeitwrittenout.Injustsevendays,Ihaveeatenfourpiecesbread,halfjar
ofsourcream,andtwocannedtunas.Ihavealsobathedthreetimes,twicewithcold
waterandoncewithwarm.Plus,ofcourse,Ihavetakenpencilandpaper,towritedown
allthesedebts.
Igothroughtheitemslinebylineandwritedownguessesattheprices.WhenIaddit
allup,itcomesnearlytoonedollar.

Igothroughallmypockets,butallIcanfindissevenIndianpennies.Outsidethesunis
rising.IgotothekitchenandwaitforSimontowake.
Sixhourslater,heenters.Heisnakedexceptforunderpantsandundershirt,whichreads
DaltonHomecomingClassof2002.Heturnsonhiscoffeedeviceandstaresatit.
Comeon,hemutterstothemachine,asitbrewscoffeeforhimautomatically.
Letsgo.
Inabouttensecondsthepotisfull.Hesighswithreliefandpoursitscontentsintogiant
vessel.
Ifigurethisisasgoodatimeasany.Iclearmythroat,takeoutmylistandstartto
explainaboutmydebts.BeforeIcangetanywordsout,though,hewaveshishandin
myface.
Herschel,please,donttalktomerightnow.Ivegotasplittingheadache.
HeisdrinkingoutofcoffeebucketwhenClaireenterskitchen.
Igasp.Sheisalmostcompletelynaked,inunderclothesthatexposebothherforearms
andhercalves.Ifacethewallandclosemyeyestogiveherproperprivacy.
ItsO.K.,Hersch,shesays,laughing.Youcanlook.
Iturnaroundveryslowly.Clairesshirtisbrightred,thecoloroffancyFrenchlipstick.
Overherchest,wordsspelloutClaremontRidingAcademy.Icanseeherentire
forearms,allthewayuptotheelbows.
MyGod,Iwhisper.
ClairegigglesandIcanfeelmyfaceswellupwithblood.Simonglaresatbothofus
andfinisheshiscoffee.
Youweresaying?hegrumblesatme.
Iclearmythroatandlookdownatmylist.
Itisgenerousofyoutohouseme,Isay.But,asIhavetoldyou,Iamnotonewho
takescharity.
Itsnotcharity,Clairesays.Welovehavingyouaround!

Yeah,Simonmutters.Weloveit.
IwatchasClaireopensthecupboardandreachesformugontopshelf.Asshestretches
uptograbit,herredshirtclimbsslowlyupherbody.IturnawayasquicklyasIcan,
butitistoolate.Ihaveseenthenudesmallofherback.Mythroatgoesdryandforlong
timeIcannotbreathe.HowcouldSimonallowhertoparadeinthisway?Itisveryhard
tocontinuespeaking,likenothingstrangehashappened,butsomehowImanagetokeep
going.
Ihavedecidedtosearchfornewjob,Iannounce.WhenIhavesavings,Iwillrepay
youforthebreadsandcreamsIhaveeaten,andrentmyselfahomeofmyown.
Simonlaughsoutloud.
Goodluckwiththat,hesays.
Thankyou,Isay.Itisnice,Ithink,forSimontobesosupportive,giventhatwehave
hadsomeproblems.
Iwasbeingsarcastic,hesays.
Isquintathimwithconfusion.
Idonotunderstand,Isay.YoudonotthinkthatIwillhavesuccess?
Simonrefillshiscoffeevatandsmirks.
Whosgoingtohireyou?Youvegotnoeducation,noexperience,noskills.
Simon,Clairesays.Thatsrude.
Itsnotrude,hesays.Itsrealistic.Imean,forGodssake,Hersch,youbarelyeven
knowhowtospeakEnglish.
Myfacebeginssuddenlytoburn.Itispainfultohearmygreatgreatgrandsonsaythese
things.IknowIamnotsoclever.Ididnotgotokindergartenlikeafancyman.ButI
havealwaysworkedmybest.Iamnotasworthlessashesays.
Ihaveexperiencewithpickling,Iinformhim.

Simonlaughsagain,andIcanseehisteethglintinginthelight.Theyremindmeofrats
fangs,theirtipscakedwithyellowclumpsoffood.Iknowheisrelatedtome,butIfeel
likeheisdifferentspecies.Forfirsttimeallweek,IamthankfulthatSarahisgone.I
wouldnotlikehertomeetthiscreature,toseewhathasbecomeofourshareddream.
Ifyouwantsomecash,Simonsays,Ivegotplenty.
Heopensadrawer,pullsoutawadofbanknotes,andtossestheminmydirection.Ilet
thebillsfluttertothefloor.Bythispoint,mywholefaceistingling.
Itoldyou,Isay,throughgrittedteeth,Iamnotonewhotakescharity.
Well,Simonsays,youbettergetusedtoit.Becauseitstheonlywayyouregoing
tosurvive.
Myjawclenchestightandmyhandsbegintotremble.Istandupfromtableandlook
himinhiseyes.
Iwouldsoonerliveonstreets,Isay,thanwithsomeonewhodisrespectsme.
Fine,hesays,rollingeyesatme.Whatever.
Igatherallmypossessions(leftshoeandrightshoe)andmarchrightdownthestairs.
WhenIopenfrontdoor,Icanseethattheskyhasturnedgrayandthecloudsare
beginningtodrip.Idonotcare,though.Icannotstayinsideanothermoment.Iam
abouttostepthroughdoor,whenIfeeltinyhandgrippingmyelbow.ItisClaire.
Herschel,comeon,shesays.Simondidntmeanallthat.Hesjusthungover.
Ipointmyfingerintoherface.
TellhimthatIhopehisteethfallout,Isay.Exceptforone,sothathemayget
toothaches!
Herschel,comeon.Youdontmeanthatcurse.
Ido,Isay.Imeancurse.
Istarttostepthroughdoor,butshegrabsmeonceagain.

Herschel,thisisridiculous!shesays.Imean,youdontknowanybodyinBrooklyn,
orwhereanythingis,orhowanythingworks.
IreachintopocketandtakeoutmysevenIndianpennies.
IhavesevencentsmorethanwhenIarrivedinthisland.Ihavestartedfromscratch
herebefore.Icanstartherefromscratchonceagain.
Herschel,trustme,youllnevermakeit.
Iwouldneverviolenceawoman.ButwhenshesaysthesewordsIfeeltheurgetodo
so.
Doyouknowwhoyouarespeakingwith?Isay,myvoicelikethegrowlofan
animal.IamHerschelRich!
Sheswallows.TherainispouringdownnowandImustshouttobeheard.
Icrossedanoceanwithoutpants!Iremindher.Iamnotgoingtoliedownincoffin!
IamgoingtoclimbupthiscityuntilIhaveconqueredmydream!
Ipointatthebrownstonedowntheblock,theoneSimontoldmeisforsale.
Howmuchisthatbuildingcosting?
Idontknow,Herschel.Probably,like,twomilliondollars.
TellSimonthatIwillearnthetwomillionsfirstandbuythebighousebeforehecan!
AndIwillstartnewlineofdescendantswithouthim.Imaybeoldmanoftwenty
seven.Butthereisstillgreaseinmybucket.Thereisstillplentyofgrease.
Iputthesevenpenniesbackinpocketandwalkonthroughtherain.Inthedistance,I
canseetheStatueofLiberty.Ifigurethatisasgoodadirectionasany.Ibuttonmy
woolandmarchforward.
***
EventhoughIpossesssevenpennies,IknowImustbecarefulaboutspendingthem.
NewYorkisexpensivecity.Thereisnotellinghowlongtheywilllast.
Thetricktosurvivingwithlowfundsistonothavesuchhighstandards.Forexample,
inSlupsk,youcouldbuybowlofmilkforthreerubles.Buttheywouldsellyoumilkfor
justtworublesifyoudrankitdirectlyfromgoat.Itwasnoteasydrinkingfromthegoat,
becauseshewasstrongandhadangerproblems.Still,arubleisaruble,andIalways

madesuretorefusebowl.AsthesayinggoesinSlupsk:Sometimesyoumustdrink
milkrightoutofthegoat,becauseitcoststworublesinsteadofthethreerubles.
IthinkaboutthissayingasIwalkthestreetsofBrooklyn.Therearesomanydecadent
restaurants,eachonemoreluxuriousthanthelast.Ipassonenamedinhonorofthe
pirateLongJohnSilver,whichservesassortedtreasuresfromthesea.ThenIpassone
thatserveschickenthatiscrisped,inthestyleofKentucky.Mostamazingtomeisa
largewhitecastle,whichsellsSalisburysteaksbetweenbreads.TheirfoodissorichI
cansmellitfromthestreet.Mystomachisrumbling,butIknowthattheseplacesare
beyondme.Theirsignsarespelledoutwithelectric,flashinglights.IfIwanttosurvive,
Imustfindsomeplacemorehumble.
Eventually,afterhoursofwalking,Ifindsimplemarket.Icantellfromitsbare,green
signanddrabbrickwallsthatitismodestandaffordable.Itakeoutapennyandgo
inside,gratefultohavecomeacrossthisWholeFoods.
Iselectmypotatoandwaitinlinetobuy.Itisonthesmallside,butveryclean,without
anyfilthonitsskin.Iamveryexcitedtoeatit.
Awomaninmansclothescallsmeovertohercashregister.
Willyouneedabag?sheasks,asIhandhermymeal.
No,Isay.Ihavepocket.
Thatsthespirit!shesays.Iwisheveryonewereasecoasyou.
Isfine,Isay.Iamveryhungryandwanthertohurrywithhermovements.
Eventually,shesetsdownmypotatoandweighsit.Thenshelooksatherscreenand
tellsmetheprice.
Idonotrememberlosingconsciousness,butIamablenowtopiecetogetherevents.
FirstIhearpriceofpotato.ThenIbegintoshake.MyvisionblursandIhearsoundof
screaming.Afterlongtime,Irealizethatitismyownvoice.Iamtheonewhois
screaming.Ifallongroundandlosesometime.WhenIwakeup,thewomaniskneeling
overme.
Sir,shewhispers.Wouldyoulikeustocallsomeone?
Iglareather.Bythispoint,myshockhasturnedtorage.
Iwantyoutocallthepolice,Isay.Andarrestyourselfforrobbery.
Ipointmyfingeratherface.

Howcanyousleepatnightchargingeightdimesforpotatofromtheground?Youare
sogreedy,soevillikeamonster!
Igesturewidewithmyarms.
Thisstoreisrunbymonsters!
Atthispoint,somethingstrangehappens,whichisthattheothercustomersinthe
WholeFoodsstartapplauding.Iamveryconfused.Idecideitisbestideatoflee.
Irunthroughadoorinthebackandfindmyselfinareawithtrash.Iamcatchingmy
breathwhenIhearthesoundofcelebratorylaughter.
Whoa,ayoungmansays.Score.
Ipeekthroughtheshadowsandseegroupofthin,beardedhobos.Theyarescavenging
throughmetaltrashbin,pickingoutpackagesoffood.
Checkthesellbydate,onesays.Ibetthesethingsarentevenstale.
Itisamazing,Ithink,thatthesebumshavesohappyaspirit.Idecideitissafeto
introducemyself.Istepoutoftheshadowsandholdupmypalmsinshowofpeace.
IamHerschel,Isay.FromvillageofSlupsk.
Cool,oneofthemsays.Aninternationalstudent.
Anotheronesquintsatmywoolandpokeshisfingersatthebuttons.
Wheredyougetthis?heasks.HousingWorks?
Imakeitfromoldrags,Iadmit.
Forsomereason,thispatheticfactimpressesthem.
Thatsrad,theysay.TalkaboutD.I.Y.
Iamveryhungry,Isay.

Youcametotherightplace,saysthemanwiththelongestbeard.Wevebeen
dumpsterdivingallsemester,andthisplaceisbyfarthesickest.
Idonotwanttobecomesick,butmyhungerisextreme.Isayaquickprayerandthen
diveinsidethetrashbin.
Oh,myGod,Isay,whenmyeyesadjusttothelight.Thereissomuchfood!
Iknow,saysthelongbeardman.HaveyoueverseenanythingsofuckingFirst
World?Its,like,Hey,Ivegotagoodidea.Letsrapetheearthwithchemicals,wrap
thecropsinplastic,drivethemacrossthecountry,thenburythemallinalandfill.
Isfine,Isay.Iamnotreallylistening.Therearesomanyfoodsinfrontofmethatmy
mouthhasstarteddripping.Suddenly,Iseesomethingshocking.Thereisentirepackage
ofbeefsausagecompletelyunopened.Somehowthehoboshavemissedthebestitem.I
ripoffthewrapperandshoveitinmyfacebeforeanyonecantakeitfromme.Themeat
issodeliciousthatmyeyesfillupwithtears.WhenIclimboutofdumpster,thebums
areallstaringatme,alookofhorrorintheireyes.
Iamsorry,Isay,offeringthemrestofmysausage.Wecansharetheremaining
flesh.
Theyhopbackastep,liketheyareafraid.
WereFreegans,oneofthemsays.
Thereislongpause.
Idonotknowwherethatis,Iadmit.
Itsapoliticalphilosophy,thelongbeardmanexplains.Weonlyeatdiscardedfood
thatscrueltyfree.
Why?Iask.
Theyallstartspeakingrapidlyofbooksandessaystheyhaveread.Theirwordsareso
longIcannotunderstandhowtheyhavelearnedthem.Eventually,though,Iunderstand
theirpoint:theirparentsaremillionairesandtheylivethiswayforsport.Iamso
impressed,Inearlydropmysausage.
SomedayIwillbewealthylikeyou,Ivow.Andyouwillteachmetoplayyourrich
mangames.

Ileanbackintodumpsterandgrabmoremeats.Soon,Ihavestuffedmycoatsofullthat
oneofmypocketsunravels.ApennyfallsoutandIwatchwithpanicasitrollstoward
thegroupofwealthychildren.Atallboywithglassespicksitupandgasps.
Whoa,hesays.Howdidyougetthis?
Throughlabors,Isay.Pleasereturn.
Itsa1906,hesays,squintingatthecoin.Andbarelycirculated.Holyshitlookat
thepolishonthatIndianhead!
Hisbeardedcomradeglaresathim.
Indianhead?
Sorry,theboymurmurs.FirstNationhead.
Heclearshisthroatandsmilesatme.
Howmuchdoyouwantforthisthing?
Atthispoint,Ibegintogetexcited.Idonotknowmuchofcoins,butIamskillfulwith
negotiations.
Howmuchwillyoupay?Iask.
Theboyreachesintohispocketandpullsoutclumpofmoneys.Myheartisbeating
quickly,butIknowitisbesttoappearcalm.
Illgiveyoutenbucks,hesays.
Ibitemyliptokeepmyselffromgrinning.Tendollarsismorethanoneweekssalary
inpicklefactory.Iwanttotakehisoffer,butIknowImustholdoutformore.When
thereisanopportunityinlife,youmusttakebiggestadvantage.
Twelve,Isay,speakingfirmly.
Alongtimepasses.Myheartisbeatingsofastinmychest,IamworriedtheFreegans
canhearit.
Fine,saystheboywiththeglasses.Twelve.

Hepeelsmeoffsomebanknotesandchucklestohimself.
WhereelseamIgonnafindanother1906,right?
Ismilewithtriumphandpulloutrestofpennies.
Righthere,Isayandsellthemall.
***
Ispendtheafternoonbywater,eatingmysausageandcountingmystackofmoneys.It
iseightyfourdollars,morethanIhaveseeninmywholelife.Iknowfromexperience
inWholeFoodsthatpricesinBrooklynhaveincreased.Butitisstillasizablefortune
enoughtobuymorepotatoesthanIcouldevencarry.
AsIgazeattheStatueofLiberty,IbegintothinkofSarah.Sometimes,whenitwastoo
coldtosleep,shewouldaskmetospeakmakebelieve.
Closeyoureyes,Iwouldsay,asIwrappedblankettightaroundherbody.Ihave
foundgoldonthestreetandwearerich.
ThenIwouldtellstoryofourday.Forbreakfastweeatentiretinofherring.Thenwe
takebath,usingwatersohotitcanmeltsoap.Inthemiddleofwork,wetakehourlong
breakfromourfactories.Andwhatdoweeat?Anothertinofherring,oursecondofthe
day.Itisevenbiggerthanthefirst.Wehaveseltzerfromthecart.Eachoneofusgets
ourownglass.Wouldyoulikearefill?askstheseltzerman.Yes,Isay,butpleasethis
timewithflavors.Iwillhavetochargedouble,hesays.Thatisacceptable,Ireply,the
pricedoesnotupsetme.Wedrinktwomoreglassesofseltzer,withredandpurple.
Afterworkwemeetanditislight,becauseweonlylaboredfortwelvehours.Weputon
storeboughtclothesandspendtheeveningpromenading.Sarahisdressedinribbons
thatIhavepurchasednew.Sheissobeautifulthatnoonecanbelieveit.Thewomen
complimentherribbonsandherface,whichiscoveredinthepowderthatshelikes.I
takehertothepictureshowandwesitinthecushionedchairsinfront.Youcannotsit
there,saystheusher,unlessyouordercandiedorange.Thatisnotaproblem,Isay.
Hereisthemoneyforcandiedorange.Themanisshockedandhasnochoicebutto
bringusthecandiedorangeinfrontofeveryone.Peopleseethathewaswrongtodoubt
us.
Fordinnerweeattwomoretinsofherring.Wearesofulloffoodswedonotevenwant
toeatmore.Iftherewasmorefoodthere,wewouldnoteatit.IcranktheVictrola,
whichIhavepurchasedinfull,andwedancetothesongofourchoice.Thenwelie
withoneanother,onpillowsstitchedfromcottonandstuffedwiththefeathersofabird.

WealwayssaidthatifIdiedinfactory,orshefrombirthingchild,thentheotherwould
keepfightingforthisdream.Itisonethingsayingwords,butanotherthingtolivethem.
IlookoutatthestatueandimaginesheisSarah,dressedinstylishgreenrobefromthe
Gimbels.WithonearmsheholdsEnglishbook,whichsheusedtoteachmetospell.
Withotherarm,shewavestome,fromacrossthesparklingbay,herhandraisedhighin
theclouds.
Look,Ifoundthemoney,Iwhispertoher.Itisjustlikehowwedreamed.
Shelooksdownonme,withtightpressedlipsandsteelyeyes.Ilaughtomyself,
becauseofcourseIhaveseenthisexpressionbefore.Itislikethelookshegavemeon
herbirthday,whenIdippedintosavingsjartobuyhersaltedshrimps.
Donotworry,mylove,Isaytoher.YourHerschelisnotgettinglazy.
Igazeintoherbrightgreeneyesandgrin.
Heisonlyjustnowgettingstarted.
Therearethreeimportantkeystopickling:patience,hardwork,andrage.Rage,ofthese
three,isbyfarthemostvital.Picklingcanbetorture,likelivinginsideendless
nightmare.Theonlywaytohavesuccessistoapproacheachdaywithviolence.
Ascrazyasitistobelieve,myeightyfourdollarfortuneisnotsovast.Priceshave
changedinpastonehundredyearsandImustusemymoneyscleverly.
IspendtwentytwodollarsonsuppliesIneedtomakefirstbatchofpickles.That
includestwentyglassjars,onetubofvinegar,garlic,salt,andherbs.Ialsobuyladle,to
scoopwateroutfromriver.ThecucumbersIgetfromtheWholeFoods,insidetheir
garbagebins.
Ittakesthreedaysforscumtoforminjarsandpicklestobesour.Duringthistime,I
preparemyvendingcart.Itisnotsohard,becausepeopleinCobbleHillarecrazy,and
leaveperfect,cleanfurnitureonsidewalk.Ifinddarkwoodbureauoutsideof
brownstoneandplaceitonwheelsofoldbabycarriage.
WithrestofmymoneyIbuylivingsupplies,tohelpmesurviveuntilwealthy.For
shelter,Ibuycampingbag,tarp,andropeatBergenHardware.Forhygiene,Ibuysoap
andtoothbrushfromDuaneReade.Foreating,IgotoKeyFoodandbuybuttermade
frompeanuts.Allofthesethingstogethercostfortyonedollars.

Ialsobuylockboxtokeepallmymoneyandcrowbarincasethereisthief,andImust
violence.Thesetwonecessitiescostmenineteendollars.
Iamleftnowwithtwodollars.Ifitrunsout,IknowIwillhavemanytroubles.ButallI
canfeelisexcitement.Iknowitsoundsstrange,butIhavetrulymisseddoingwork.
WhenIwastheratmanatpicklefactory,Ididnothavemuchinfluenceoncompany
policy.Thiswasunfortunate,becausesometimesIhaddecentideas.Forexample,one
dayIrealizedthatthingswouldrunbetterifthelabellinggirlsworehairnets,because
theywouldnotgetpulledintothegearssomuchbytheirhair.Itoldmysupervisor,and
henoddedlikehewaslistening,butthegirlsnevergotanyhairnetsandtheykept
gettingpulledintothegears,aboutthreeofthemeachmonth,screamingNo,myGod!
whileeverybodyweptandsoon.Itslowedproduction.IalwaysdreamedsomedayI
wouldbebossandrunthingsinthewaythatIthoughtbest.
NowthatIhavemyownbusiness,Iaminchargeofeverything.Igettodeciderecipe
(saltandgarlics).Igettodecideuniform(gray).Ievengettodecidenameofcompany.
Ittakesmelongtimetoinventone,becausetitlesaresoimportant.Itmustbesomething
snappyandstylishthatwillstayinpeoplesheads.Eventually,afterseveralhours,I
thinkofgoodoneandwriteitontocart:
SarahsStatueofLibertyGarlicPickleswithSaltPickleCompany.
Allthatislefttodecidenowislocationanditiseasychoice.
IhavespenttendaysloungingonthewesternshoreofBrooklyn,idlingamongthe
brownstonesofthewealthy.But,ifIamtosucceedaspeddler,Imustgobacktoold
neighborhood,wherethestreetsarealwayscloggedwithhungrylaborers.Imustreturn
atoncetoWilliamsburg.
***
Aretheseglutenfree?thetattooedmanasksme,holdingupjartohisface.
Ihesitatewithfear.IhavebeenatDriggsandNinthsincesunriseandheisfirstpersonI
haveseen.
Theyarepickles,Iexplain.
Hesquintssomemoreatjar.
Whataboutsulfites?heasks.

IdonotknowhiswordsbutIsenseIamstartingtolosehim.Idecideitisgoodtimeto
makepitch.
WholeFoodssellspicklejarforseven.Isellforfourandincludeallthescum.
Ipointtothescum,whichhascollectednicelyinsidetopofjar.Themansmilestightly
ashehandsmebackthejar.
Illcomebacklater,hesays.
Isighasheridesoffonbicycle.ItisalmostsevenandstillIhavenosales.
Pickleshere!Iscream.Pickleswithgarlicandscum!
Myvoicebecomeshoarse,butstillnobodycomes.Idonotunderstandit.Thestreetsare
mostlyempty,eventhoughitispasteight.HowcouldthepeopleofWilliamsburgsleep
solateonaThursday?Dotheynothavefactoriestogoto?Theremustbesomeholiday
thatIdonotknowabout.
Iamthinkingaboutpickingnewlocation,whenIspottwoskinnymeneyeballingcart.
Checkitout,oneofthemsays.Artisanalpickles.
Istareatthepair.Onehastakentinygadgetoutofpocket.
HesnotonYelp,hewhispers.Hepicksuponeofmypicklejarsandholdsittothe
light.
Howlocalisyourproduce?askstheother.
Iamconfusedasusual,butdecideitisbestnottoshowit.
Imakepickleshere,Isay.InBrooklyn.
Themensmileandnod,impressedforsomereasonbythisinformation.
Andisitallnatural?oneasks.
Whatareyoutalkingabout?

Doyouaddanychemicals?Likebenzoatesorpreservatives?
Idonotknowwhatanyofthatis.
Themennodsomemore,impressedagain.
Youknowwhat?oneofthemsays.IthinkIlltakeajar.
Hepullsouthiswallet.
DoyoutakeAmEx?
Onlycash,Isay.
Goodforyou,hesays.Thecreditcardconglomeratesaremurderingsmall
businesses.Ifweregoingtofightthem,weneedtostartonthemicrolevel.
Isfine,Isay.Fourdollars.
Icrackmyneckandgetintohagglingstance.But,tomyshock,hedoesnotargueprice.
Hereyougo,hesays,takingdollarsfromhispocket.Igrabthemandstufftheminto
lockboxbeforehecanchangehismind.
WhenIlookup,themenhaveopenedthepicklejarandaresniffingthebrine.
Itsgotanamazingbouquet,onemurmurs,withhiseyesclosedtight.Really
vegetal.
Itllgogreatwiththequinoa,saystheother.
Aftersomemorestrangesniffs,theyclosethejarandstarttowalkaway.Theyare
holdinghands,Inotice.IamsoconfusedbythisthatIalmostforgettoshoutimportant
thing.
Wait!Icalloutafterthem.Youmustbringbackjar!
Theyturnaroundandsquintatme.
Excuseme?

Youmustbringitbackwhenyouaredone,Iexplain.SothatIcanreuse.
Incredible!oneofthemsays.Youreclaimyourjars?
Thereisnothingwrongwithreusingjars,Isay.Youcanfillthemagainandagain
andtasteissame.
Amentothat,themansays.
Youmustreturnjar,Irepeat,firmly.
Themanrubshischinandthensmiles.
Youknowwhat?hesays.IthinkImgoingtowriteablogpostaboutyou.
Awhat?
Ablogpost.
Awhat?
Apost.Onmyblog.
Awhat?
Ablogpost.
Fine,Isay.Isfine.
***
WillisamsburgFoodie.com
Nolabel.Nologo.NoWebsite.Justpure,authentictaste.
My discovery of the perfect pickle,byChrisLeBoz
WeveseensomanytoutedpicklerscrashandburnthisseasonLaPickle,Cuke,Das
Pickle.SoIwasfairlyskepticalwhenIcameacrossthiscart(seephotosafterjump).
HowcouldIbesureIwasntfallingforanothergimmick?HowcouldIbesurethese
pickleswereauthentic?

Onesniffofbrineerasedmycynicism.Thefactofthematteris,ifyouhaventhad
SarahsStatueofLibertyGarlicPickleswithSalt,youhaventhadarealpickle.
HerschelRichhandcraftshisartisanalpickleslocally,usingfreegancucumbers,
unpasteurizedriverwater,andreclaimedglassjars.Thepungenttasteisnotfor
everyone.Andthefloatingsaltscumtakessomegettingusedto.Butguesswhat?This
is what pickles are supposed to taste like. Ifitstoomuchforyoutohandle,
headtoWalmart,Iguess,andbuyyourselfsomejumboVlasics.
Herscheldoesntwaterdownhispicklesorhispolitics.Herefusestousechemical
additives,relyingentirelyonallnatural,locavoreingredients.Infact,hisdevotionto
conservationissoextreme,hepersonally reclaims his pickle jars from
customers. WhenIaskedhimtoexplainthisunusualpractice,heclenchedhisfists
withpassion.
Thereisnothingwrongwithreusingjars,hesaid.Youmustreturnjar.
InalandofD.I.Ypretenders,Herschelis,quitesimply,therealdeal.Hiscartis
constructedentirelyofsalvagedwood.Hisclothingishomemadefromrepurposedrags.
Andhisproductnameseemspurposefullydesignedtobeasnoncommercialas
possible.
SoheadtoWilliamsburgthisafternoon.Yourtastebuds(andconscience)willthank
you.
***
NextdayIselloutbatchinfifteenminutes.ThepeoplearecomingatmesofastI
cannotbelieveit.Theyarelikeanimals,crazedforthesepickles!Itisliketimein
Slupsktherewasplaguekillingpeoplesandonlyonewitchsellingmedicine.
WhenIamdowntolastjar,therearestillmanypeopleinline.Twopeoplerushtocart
andbeginscreaming.
Iwasherefirst,saysbaldmanwithshinyglasses.Ivebeenwaitingheresince
seven.
Thatsnottrue,saystinyChinawoman.Shehasringinnoselikepig.
Thereislotsofarguingbackandforth.
Look,saysthebaldman,finally.Iwasntgoingtosayanything.ButIworkforJake
Gyllenhaal.
Atthispoint,Iamfrightened.IhavenotheardofthisJakeman,butIcantellfrom
crowdsreactionheisprobablysherifforconstable.

Iamsorry,Isaytowoman.ImustdoasIamtold.
Thatsbullshit!shescreams.
Iamsorry,Irepeat.
IamhandingthejartothemanwhentheChinawomanpokesmeontheshoulder.
Illgiveyoufivedollars!sheshouts.
Istopmymovements.
Oh,myGod,Isay.ItisfirsttimeinlifeIhaveseenpricegoupinamarket.Ihave
notbeenthisshockedinmylife,includingtimeIfrozeahundredyears.
Oh,myGod,Isayagain.MyGod.
Iamabouttohandwomanthejarwhenthemanshouts,Sixdollars!
Atthispoint,somethingstrangehappens,whichisthatmybodybeginstodance.Iam
tryingtobeprofessional,andkeepmyfacenormal,butmylegsandarmshaveall
beguntodance.
Seven!
Eight!
Nine!
Themanreachesintohispocket,pullsouthiswallet,andcountsallthebillsinside.
Seventeen!
Iassumethismustbetheend,butthenthewomanpullsouttwentydollarbill.Itislike
Iaminstrangedream.WhatareallthesemillionairesdoinginWilliamsburg?
ItaketheChinawomansmoneyandstandonthecarttoaddressthegrowingcrowd.
Iamoutofpickles,Isay,causingeveryonetogroan.Butdonotbeafraid!Iwill
returninthreedayswithgiantbatch.

Thepeoplebegintocheer,likeIamElijahannouncingMessiah.
Also,Iadd,softly.Iamgoingtoraiseprices.
***
Fromthatpointon,Iselljarsfortwelvedollars.Youwouldthinkthisoutrageousprice
wouldslowmysales,butitistheopposite.ThemoreIcharge,themorepeoplewant
thepickles.Byendofsecondweek,Ihavetwothousandtwohundredandnineteen
dollarsinlockbox.
Iamhappytobemakingsuchbigprofits.Butsecretly,partofmewishespeople
haggled.Screamingovermoneyiswhatmakesthemarketfun.Sarahusedtothreatento
killthepotatomanwheneverhispriceswentup.Shewouldtakeoutherknifeandsay,
Iwillkillyouwiththisknifeforrobbingme.HewouldcurseherinHungarianand
thenthetwoofthemwouldwavetheirfistsaround.Itwasgoodtimesforeveryone.
Thesedays,though,nobodyhasthatkindofwill.Itisallpleaseandthankyouandhave
aniceday.
OneeveningIamsellingjarwhenIhearfamiliarvoices.Ilookacrossstreet.ItisClaire
andSimon.Sheispullinghimtowardmebythewristwhilehestrugglestobreakfree.
Idontwantto,heiswhispering,liketoddlerbeingdraggedtoworkhisloom.No.
Eventually,hemanagestofleeheranddartsintoTheStarbucksCaf.Clairesighsand
continuestowardmypicklecart.
Herschel!sheshouts,whilewavingherarmatme.Overhere!
Iamwithcustomer,Itellher.Icompletemysale,lockmoneyintobox,andonlythen
turntowardher.
Hello,Isay.
Shegesturesatmymoneycartandlaughs.
Thisissocool!shesays.Herschel,yourcartlooksamazing.
Isfine,Isay,withmodesty.
SimonandIwerereadingNew Yorkmagazine,shesays,andwesawyourcartin
theApprovalMatrix.Wecouldntbelieveit!
Iaminmagazine?
Herschel,youreeverywhere!shesays.Gawker,Eater,BrooklynVegan.Yourea
hugesuccess!

Irollmyeyesather.
Iamnowhereclosetobeingsuccess,Isay.IvowedIwouldbuyhousefortwo
millions.Ihavebarelymadetwothousands.
Thatsprettygoodfortwoweeks,shesays.
Isnothing,Itellher.Likepenniescomparedtowhatiscoming.
Shelaughsoutloud,asifIammakingjoke.
Youarenotthefirsttodoubtme,Itellher.WhenIwassavingwagestoleave
Slupsk,myfathertoldmethatIdreamtoobig.Heurgedmetostayandjoinhis
business.
Whatdidhedo?
Hewasshitcollector.
Clairescrunchesupherface.
Whatsthat?
Whatdoyouthinkitis?Itispersonwhocollectsshit.Heownedbigshitcart,and
everyday,hewentaroundcollectingshit.Hesmelledlikeshitandwasalwayscovered
inshit.Finally,aftermanyyearswiththeshit,hesavedmoneyupforhouse.Butbefore
hecouldevengoinside,theCossacksgotdrunkandburnedit.Allthatwassavedwas
hisshitcart,whichtheCossackshadshitinside.
Jesus,shesays.YoumusthatethoseCossacks.
No,Isay.Iamthankfultothem.TheygavemetherageIneededtoworkharder
thanmostmen.
Clairenods.
IcanseewhereSimongetshisworkethicfrom.
Iraisemyeyebrows.
Simonhasworkethic?

Sure,shesays.Imeanitslessextremenowthanwhenhewasfirststartingoutin
thebusiness.Buthestillreallypusheshimself.Like,lastweek,astudioaskedhimto
writesomemovietaglines?Andhisallergieswereactingup.SoIwas,like,Justtell
themyouresick.Buthesatdownandwrotethemanyway.
Thatsoundslikerealstruggle,Isay,winkinghardtoshowIambeingfacetious.
Ilookacrossthestreet.Simonhasstillnotleftthecaf.Thereisnothingtodobutmake
moreconversationwithClaire.
Howisyourschooling?Imutter.
Justtryingtofigureoutmydissertation,shesays.Itshardtopickatopic.Thereare
somanyaspectsoftheimmigrationprocessinneedofreform.
Iwavemyhands.
Isfine,Isay.
Howcanyousaythat?Youwentthroughhelltomakeittothiscountry.
Jewsdonotbelieveinhell,Iremindher.ThatisstrangeChristianthing.Butalso,
moreimportant,Ithinkyouspendtoomuchtimethinkingofothers.
Wow,shesays.Whatanicethingtosay.
Imeantitasinsult.InSlupskwehavepopularsaying.Itgoes:Youmustalwaysput
yourselffirst,beforeeverybodyelse,ineverysituationintheworld.
Thatsalittleharsh.
Isnecessary.Youhavejustonelife.Ifyougiveittoanother,itisgone.
Clairelooksacrossthestreetandsighs.Simonishidingbehindlamppostoutside
Starbucks.Shewavesathimandhereluctantlycrossesthestreet.
Hello,Isay,whenwearefacetoface.
Hello,hesays.
Clairetakesoutherpocketphoneandsmiles.

Ihavetomakeacall.
Thatislie!Isay.Sheignoresmeandcrossesthestreet,leavingmewithmygreat
greatgrandson.
Simonistwentyseven,justlikeme.Butsometimesitishardtobelieveheisthatold.
Hispostureisterrible,soalthoughwearesameheight,Iamalwayslookingdownon
him,likeheisboy.
Ialsohavetroublebelievingheiswealthy.Iknowhehasmademoneys,becausethisis
basicallyallthathespeaksof.Buthishygieneissoterrible,heresemblesstriking
newsboy.Hisbreathissoawfulfromhiscoffees,itistorturetostandnearhim.Hishair
isfullofdandruffs,hisearsarefilledwithwax,andhisteetharestainedlikemonster
fromthepictureshow.
Mystandardforcleanlinessisnotsohigh.Myfather,asyourecall,wasshitcollector.
SowhenIsaymanneedstocleanhimself,youmustrealize,itisprettybigstatement.
Simoncrouchesnexttomysignandlaughs.
Twelvedollarsajar?hesays.Holyshit.Peopledontactuallypaythat,dothey?
Ihavehadhundredsofcustomers,Iinformhim.
Theymusthavebeentouristsorsomething.
TheywereNewYorkers,Isay.Theycamebecausemypickleswereinside
theirNew Yorkmagazine.
YouwereinNew York?Simonsays.Huh.DontknowhowImissedthat.Wasita
longarticle?
ItwasinApprovalMatrix,andIknowthatyouhaveseenitbecauseClairetoldme
youhaveseenit!Youlietopretendyouarenotjealous,butreallyyouarejealous!
Simonturnsredandissilentforlongtime.Eventually,hepicksupjarandsquintsatit.
Nolabels,huh?
Theyareunnecessaryexpense.
IwonderiftheHealthDepartmentthinksso.
Hegrinsatme,hisyellowteethmoistlikeadogs.

MaybeIllpaythemavisit?hesays.
AtthispointIamhungeringtoviolencehim.Itakelong,slowbreathtocalmmyself.
Ifyoupaythemavisit,Iwarnhim,youwillsoongettwomorevisits.Thefirstwill
befrommyfists.AndthesecondwillbefromMalakhHaMavet,theAngelofDeath.
WedonotspeakuntilClairehasreturned.
Well?shesays,brightly.WhatdidImiss?
Nothing,Simonmutters.Comeon.
Heflagsayellowtaxicaranddragsherinsidethebackseat.
Bye,Herschel!Clairecriesthroughthewindow.Goodluck!
Ishoutasloudaspossible,soSimoncanhearmywords.
Idonotneedlucks!Idonotneedanything!
***
ThehomeImadewithSarahwasverypleasant,butitdidhaveseveralflaws.For
example,thestoveoftencaughtfire,therewasnobathroominsidebuilding,andwe
sharedourroomwithfifteenotherJews.
SarahandIsleptinmattressinthecorner,behindcurtainsstitchedfromfloursacks.
Thecurtainstookusmanydaystostitch,butweworkedfastandhard(wehadjustbeen
wedandneededprivacyformarriedacts).
SincemovingfromSimonscouch,IhavebeensleepinginProspectPark.Itisnotso
bad.Ibatheinpublictoiletandtietarptotreeforshelter.Sometimesthepolicemen
comewithlightsandchaseme,butIamquickandnotafraidofthem.
Ihavefourthousandonehundredandtwentyeightdollarsandcouldeasilybuymyway
intosomehousehold.Butitwouldbeneedlessexpenditure.Ihavetrainedmybodyto
sleepjustfourhourseachnight,sincethatisallthebodyreallyneeds,andwhyshouldI
carewhereIspendsuchsmallportionoftheday?Iamcomfortableonmyownanddo
notmisshavingcompanionsaround.Beingaloneisnothingforme.Isfine.
Onenight,though,whilelyingundertarpbehindtoilet,Irealizesomething:inorderto
increasepickleproduction,Imusthavemorestoragespaceforjars.Icanonlyfitfiftyin

cart,plusfourincoatandtwoinpants.Inordertoexpandmybusiness,itisvitaltofind
myselfaroom.
ThecheapestoneIfindisoutinBushwick.Accordingtoflyer,rentisfourhundred
dollarspermonth.WhenIshowupatbuilding,thereislineofyoungpeoplegathered
onstreet.Ashortmanwithgreenhairaddressesthem.
Pleasehaveyourportfoliosready,hesays.Thankyou!
Whatisthisplace?Iaskyounggirlholdingstackofstrangephotographs.
ItscalledtheVortexFactory,shewhispers.Itsthemostselectiveartistcolonyeast
ofWilliamsburg.
Idonotunderstandmostofherwords,butIamhappytohearitisfactory.Ihave
alwaysgottenalongwithfellowlaborers.
Eventually,afterwaitinglongtime,thegreenhairedmanmotionsmeinside.WhenI
stepthroughthedoor,Igasp.Thespaceisgigantic,bigenoughtohouseatleastten
thousandpicklejars.
Oh,myGod,Isay.
Iknow,hesays.Itsprettyincredible.
Oneareaiscoveredintarpsandsplatteredwithpaint.Anotheriscrowdedwithdrums
andelectricpianos.Icannotseewheretheyaremakingtheirvortexes.
Therearemanysleepingpeoplesonthefloor,huddledonmattresses,surroundedby
emptyalcohols.Therearelagers,wines,spiritsmorebottlesthanIhaveeverseen.
Wastheirweddinglastnight?Iask.
Thegreenhairedmanlaughs.Hedoesnotanswermyquestionaboutwedding.
Comeon,hesays.Illshowyouaround.
Hewalksmethroughfactory,tellingmenamesofsleepingboarders.
ThatsGabe,hesays,pointingtomanwithbeard.Hesanexperimentalpoet.

Ihavenotheardofhim,Iadmit.
Youwill,hesays,grinning.Hisstuffsincredible.HejustgothisM.F.A.
IdonotknowwhatisthisM.F.A.,butitmustberareachievement,becausewhenhe
saysithiseyebrowsgoup.
Whoisshe?Iask,pointingtosnoringwoman.
ThatsAlison,hesays.Shesanactress.
Isquintatthewoman.Sheishomelyandoverweightwithmanyblemishesonface.
Radioactress?Iask.
Spokenword,mostly,hesays.ShejustgotherM.F.A.Shesincredible.
Hepointstogroupofhairy,filthymen.
ThoseguysjustgottheirM.F.A.s,hetellsme.Inpainting,sculpture,andsound
design.TheyreinanoisebandcalledtheFuzz.
Ihavenotheardofthem,either,Iadmit.
Youwill,hesays.Theirmusicsjust
Hepauses,thinkingofwaytodescribe.
Itsincredible,hesays.
Hefoldshisarmsandsmilesatme.
So.Letshavealookatyourportfolio.
Myfaceflushes.
Idonotknowwhatthatmeans.
Helaughs.

Youknowwhat?Meneither.Theideathatartbelongsinamanilafolderits
preposterous.Thehereandnowiswherethetruthsalive.Themomentyoutryto
documentit,theimmediacyislost.
Isfine,Isay,confused.
Sotellme,Herschel.WhatwouldyoubringtotheVortexFactory?
Justmyself,Isay.Andmanyjarsofpickles.
Herubshischinandsquintsatme.
Soyouworkininstallations?
Isellpicklesfromcart,Iexplain.FirstImakesaltbrine,thenIputincucumbers,
thenIwheelcarttoWilliamsburgandshoutout,Pickles,pickles.Imakepeoplereturn
jarsandthenIfillthemupwithmorebatchesofpickles.
Sotheresaprettybigperformanceelementtoyourart.
AtthispointIamstartingtogetfrustrated.
Itisnotperformance,Isay.Itismylife.ItiswhatImustdotosurvive.
Hesmilesatmewithlookofadmiration.
Herschel,hesays.Thatsincredible.
Igetbiggestroominthewholehouse.
***
Howsitgoing?Claireasksmethenextdayatmycart.
Iamworking,Itellher.Ihavenotimetosocialize.
HerpantsaresotightIcannotevenbelieveit.Icanseetheshapeofherkneecaps.Itis
crazytomethatshecandressthiswayandnotbethrowninjail.
Theresnobodyinline,shesays.

Ilook.Istrue.
Still,somebodymightcome,Isay.Ionlyhavetimetospeakwithcustomers.
Sherollshereyes.
O.K.,shesays.Inthatcase,Illtakeajar.
Twelvedollars.
Shefoldsherarmsandsmirksatme.
Illgiveyoufourbucks.
Myeyeswiden.Iwasnotexpectingthis.
Twelvedollars,Isayfirmly.Thatisprice.
Thatsoutrageous,shesays.Illgiveyousixandyoullbeluckytogetit.
Tendollars,Isay.Andyoucanchoosewhichjar.
Thejarsareallthesame,shesays.Illgiveyousevenandthatsfinal.
Itmustbeten.
Itmustbeseven.
Nine!Ishout.
Eight!shescreams.
Fine!Isay.
Shelaughs.Imustadmit,partofmeisimpressed.
ShetakesoutherdollarsandIpluckthemfromherhand,carefulnottotouchher
unglovedfingers.

Nowcanyoutakeabreak?sheasks.
Isfine,Isay,aftersomethought.
Wewalktocurbacrossthestreet,soIcankeepeyeoncart.SheasksmewhereIam
livingandItellheraboutVortexFactory.
Wow,shesays.Youreturningintoarealhipster.
Idonotknowwherethatis,Isay.
Shelaughslikethisisjoke.
Itisgoodthatyouhavecome,Itellher.
Shesmilesatme.
Howcome?
BecauseyoumustdeliverthistoSimon.
Ireachintocoatandpulloutwadofbills.
Itisahundredandthirtydollars,Itellher.Icalculateoneweeksrentinsidehis
house,plusthecostofboard.
Sherollshereyeslikesheisgoingtoargue,butIsilenceherwithlookofmajor
violence.
O.K.,O.K.,shesays.IllgiveittohimthenexttimeIseehim.
Whenwillthatbe?Iask.Iamanxiousformydebttobesettled.
Idontknow,shesays.Werekindofinafightrightnow.
Aboutwhat?Hashebeatenyou?
No,nothinglikethat.Hesjustbeenimpossiblelately.Hewontletmethrowan
A.C.L.U.fundraiserathishouse.Hesayshecaresaboutpolitics,butIdonteventhink
hesregisteredtovote.

ShelooksatmycartandreadsoutloudthenameIhaveonsign.
Sarahwasmywife,Iexplain.Inamebusinessafterher.
Shenodsherheadslowly.
Youmustreallymissher.
Isfine,Isay.Thereisnothingtodoaboutit.
Whatwasshelike?sheasks.
Ishrug.
Idonotknowhowtodescribeher.
Isthepicklerecipehers?
Ishakemyhead.
Shedidnotwastetimeonpickles,Isay.Shewasrealcook.Shemadetzimmes,
latkes,cabbagesoupswithschmalz
Ibegintoseeherinmymind,hercurlybrownhairandthefreckleonhercheek.Itryto
resumestory,butcannotforsomereason.Itishardtocatchmybreath.
Shesoundswonderful,Clairesays.
Shewasgood,stronghelp,Isay.
Iclearmythroatandstandup.
Ofcourse,shewouldnotappreciateustalkingforsolong.
Shegrins.
Whynot?
Becauseshedidnotlikemetakingbreaks.

AsIamheadingbacktopicklecart,Ilookbackovershoulder.
Youmustcomebacksometime,Ishoutather.
Ohyeah?shesays.
Ofcourse.Everycustomermustreturnjar.
***
Idonotspendmuchtimespeakingwithmyroommates,becausetheykeepstrange
hours.WhenIleavewithcartat4A.M.,theyhavejustgonetosleep.AndwhenIreturn
fromwork,at10P.M.,theyareoutfortheirnightlycelebration.
Itconfusesmewhytheycelebratesomuch.InallmytimeinVortexFactory,Ihaveyet
toseethemsellasinglevortex,oranythingelseforthatmatter.Iassumethatjust
beforeIjoinedtheirhouse,theyhavehadsomemajorgroupsuccess.Itisonly
explanationfortheirjoy.
Iamnotagainstdoingcelebrations.Infact,Ihavebeenplanningoneforsometime.At
theendoffirstweeksellingpickles,IwenttoKeyFoodandboughtgianttinofherring.
ItcostelevendollarsandfiftycentsmorethandoublebiggestpeanutbutterbutI
purchasedanyway.Isaidtomyself,whenIhavetenthousanddollarssavedup,Iwill
rewardmybodywiththistastyfish.
Byendofmyfirstmonthinhouse,Iamsellingfiftypicklejarsaday.Ilearntostagger
batchesinmycloset,sotherearealwayspicklesready,everymorning.Iammakingsix
hundreddollarseachshift,overthreethousanddollarseachweek.Byendoffirstmonth
inmynewhome,evenafterpayingfourhundreddollarsinrent,Ihavesavednine
thousandsevenhundredandtwentyninedollars.Thatnight,beforesleep,Iputspecial
tinofherringinmycoat.Bylunchbreak,Ihope,Iwillhavetheoccasiontoeatit.
***
IamsettingupmycartthenextdaywhenIhearmynamespoken.Iturntowardthe
voiceandseeNegrowomanwearingmanssuitandholdingclipboard.
ImKalishaSanders,shesaystome.Idliketoaskyouafewquestions.
Thepickleshavenoglutens,Irecite.Thevegetablesarefreeganandthewaterisall
locavore.
Anddoyouhaveavendorslicense?
IstopwhatIamdoingandlookupather.

Awhat?
Alicense,shesays.Forrunningafoodcart.
Itrytomakewords,butIcannot.Iamcaughtcompletelybysurprise.
ImfromtheDepartmentofHealth,saystheKalisha.AndIvehadsomecomplaints
aboutyouroperation.
Myfingersclenchwithfury.
Whowastheinformer?WasitSimonRich?
Sheignoresmeandpicksupjarofpickles.
Whoa,shesays.Isthatscum?
Isallnatural,Imurmur.
YoureluckytherehasntbeenanE.colioutbreak,shesays.
Shetakesoutstackofpapersandhandsittome.
Heresasummaryofyourviolations.Vendingwithoutalicenseinanonvendingzone
isonethousandtwohundredandfiftydollars.Thehealthcodefines,alltogether,come
totwothousandsevenhundreddollars.
Oh,myGod,Isay.MyGod.
Sheglancesatmyboxofcashandsighs.
Iassumeyouhaventdeclaredanyofyourearningsfortaxpurposes.
Taxwhat?
Shehandsmeanotherform.
Sendthisinwithyourpaymenttothecitytreasury,shesays.Andgetthiscartoffthe
street.Idontwanttoseeyououthereuntilyourefullycompliant.

BythetimeIcanmakemyselfspeak,shehasstartedtowalkaway.
Stop!Isay.Wait.Letustalkaboutthis.
Sheturnsaroundandsquintsatme.
Whatistheretotalkabout?
Itakedeep,slowbreathtosteadyself.Ihavebeeninthissituationbefore.Iwasleaving
SlupskwhenCossacksaskedmetopaythemnighttimeroadtax.Igavethemall
vodkasandtheyletmethrough.Thetrickinthesemattersistohandlethingsdelicately,
withsmoothwordsandmanner.
Hereisbribe,Isay,throwingtwentydollarbillather.Takeit,please,andgo.
Hereyeswidenandshetakessteptowardme.
DidyoujustsaywhatIthinkyousaid?
Iclearmythroat.SheisverygoodhagglerandIamimpressed.
Thirtydollarbribe,Isay.Plusonefreepicklejareachweek.
Unbelievable,shemutters.
Shescribblesnoteonclipboardandthenglaresatme.
Youbetterpayyourfinesquick,shetellsme.OrIllshutyoudownforgood.
BythetimeIcartpicklesbacktoVortexFactory,myroommatesareawake.
Herschelsinthehouse!saysthegreenhairedman.Whereveyoubeen,killer?
Ihavebeenworking,Itellhim,myvoicelowwithmisery.ButnowIcanworkno
more.
Cool,theactresssays.Thenyoucangetmimosaswithus.
Thankyouforinvitation,Isay,buttodayIhavenothingtocelebrate.

Ilockmyselfinroomandputherringbackindrawer.ThenIlaythegovernment
documentsonmattress.Iunderstandpartsoftheforms,likeNameandAddress.
Buttherestconfusesmeandmakesmyheadhurt.
IhavedealtwithAmericanauthoritiesbefore,whencomingtoEllisIsland.Theymade
mewaitinlinefornineteenhours,thenflippedupmyeyelidsandshovedwoodenstick
intomyeyeballs.Itwasnotgreat,butIwouldtakeitoverthisW2.
ItisalmostnightfallwhenIhearknockonmydoor.
Wassup,Hersch,saysthegreenhairedman.Heisdrunkfromhiscelebrations.
Wassuptoyouaswell,Isay,politely.
Somegirlsheretoseeyou,hetellsme,hislipscurledintogiantgrin.
Isigh.Itisprobablyinspectortoarrestme.Iamthinkingofjumpingthroughwindow,
whenIlookintothehallwayandcatchsightofyellowhair.
Claire?Isay.Whatareyoudoinghere?
Sheholdsupemptypicklejar.
Justreturningthis,shesays.Youwerentatyourusualspot.
Shepassesmejar,whichshehascleanedwithsoaps.
Youcankeepit,Isay.
Imeanformyvoicetosoundformal,butitcomesoutsoftandbroken.Ihavevowedto
theworldthatIwillbesuccess,butsetbackshavetransformedmeintoliar.Mystomach
issickwithshame.
IseverythingO.K.?Claireasks.
Isfine,Isay.
Shenoticesmylegalforms,picksthemup,andwhistles.
Whoa,shesays.Herschel,yougotnailed.
Sheflipsthroughthemoneatatime,shakingherheadbackandforth.

Thesevendorformsareunconscionable,shesays.EvenanativeEnglishspeaker
wouldhaveproblemsunderstandingthem.Theentiresystemscompletelyprejudicial
againstimmigrants.
Inodinagreement.
ItwasveryconfusingwhentheNegressrefusedmybribe.
Clairecoughs.
Herschel,shesays,puttinghandontomyshoulder.Ithinkyoushouldconsider
lettingmehelpyouwithyourbusiness.
Ishakeheroff.
Iamnotonewhotakescharity.
Everyoneneedshelpsometimes,Herschel.
Notme,Isay.Isfine.Iwillfigureoutformsonmyown.
WhatsyourSocialSecuritynumber?
Socialwhat?
Shestartstounzipherpack.Isitonbedandsigh.Itistoolatenowtostopher.
Dontworry,shesays.ItsgoingtobeO.K.
Shereachesintobagandsmiles.
Ivegotmytroll.
***
Clairehandsmehercomputerboxandpointsatgridofnumbers.
There!shetellsme.Imadeyouaspreadsheet.Thisnumbersallyourfines,this
numbersallyourtaxobligations,andthisnumberstheinvestmentsyoullhaveto
maketobecomehealthcodecompliant.

Whatisthisrednumber?Withminussigninfrontofit?
Shehesitates.
Yourprofits.
Ibegintofeeldizzy.Wehavebeenworkingseveralhours,withoutaninterruption,and
nowIcannolongerrunfromtruth.
Thebusinesshasfailed,IadmittoClaire.Thereisnowayforittomakemoneys.
Thatsnottrue,shesays.Youcouldincreaseproduction.
Ishakemyhead.
Impossible.Iamalreadyfillingcartuptobrimwithjars,andalsomycoatandpants.
Thenyoullneedtogetsomeworkers,shesays,enteringnumbersintocomputer.If
youputsixmorecartsonthestreet,youcouldeasilynettwothousanddollarsevery
week.
Ihesitate.
Maybeissmartidea,Iadmit.Butworkerscost.
Youcouldgetinterns.
Iraisemyeyebrows;thiswordisunfamiliar.
Interns?
Ittakeslongtime,buteventuallysheisabletoexplainthisthingtome.
Sotheyareslaves,Isay.Anditisnotillegal.
Shehesitates.
Basically.

ShetypesbusinessdescriptionontoColumbiaUniversityWebsite.Withinminutes,
therearemessagesfromstudentsdesiringtodomyslavelabor,allofitforfree,in
exchangefornothing.
MyGod,Isay,myheartspeedingup.MyGod!
Ileapupfrombed,myhandstremblingwithexcitement.Icanfeelmylegsbeginto
dance.
Lyedyedye!Ising.Lye,dyedyedye,dyedye!
Idanceforsometime.
Claire!Isay,whenIhavecaughtmybreath.Youhavesavedme!
Itwasnothing,shesays.Apieceofthecake,right?
Itakeherhandandsqueeze,eventhoughshehasnoglove.
Youaregood,stronghelp,Isay.
Shebitesherlip,hercheeksturningbrightred.
O.K.,enoughresting,Itellher.Itistimetoreturntowork.
***
Youcannotmurderinterns,butotherthanthat,theyarethesameasmules.Youcanrob
them,abusethem,debasethem.Therearenolimits.Whenamanagreestobeintern,he
issaying,Iamnolongerhumanbeingwithrights,Iamlikedogormonkey.Useme
forlaboruntilmybodybreaksandthenconsumeallofmymeats.
Iwouldsoonerdiethanserveasintern.ButforstudentsofColumbiaUniversity,itis
verypopular.Withinoneday,ahundredmenandwomensendmersumsinthehope
thatIwillchoosethemasmyslaves.
Thisgirllooksimpressive,Clairesays,pickingrsumoutfromgiantstack.Shewas
editoroftheSpectator.ThatsthebigColumbiastudentpaper.
Sheistoofat,Isay.Shewilleatallofmypickles.
Herschel,thatsreallyinsensitive,Clairesays.Youknow,itsillegalnottohire
someonebasedontheirlooks.

Iamnothiringanyone,Iremindher.Iamchoosinginterns.
Clairesighs.Partofher,Icantell,regretshavingtoldmeaboutconceptofinterns.But
nowitistoolate.Iknowaboutinternsandwillalwayshaveinterns,untilthedayIdie.
Iwantfortystrongbucks,Icommand,withlargehandsforcarrying.
Clairepretendsasifshedoesnothearme.
Howaboutthisguy?shesays.Hesacomputersciencemajor.Ibetheddesignusa
Website.
Awhat?
AsiteontheWeb.
Awhat?
AWebsite.
Ishrug.
Isfine.
***
sarahsstatueoflibertygarlicpickleswithsaltpicklecompany.com
HerschelsDream
PressReleasebyBenKobza,MediaRelationsIntern
HerschelRichcametothiscountrywithaboldmission:toachievesuccesswithout
compromisinghisradicalbeliefsystem.Now,afteryearsofstruggle,hisdreamis
becomingareality.
Herschelsanticorporatecommitmenttoagriculturalsustainabilityhaswonhim
accoladesalloverthiscity.TheNewYorkTimescalledhispicklesahipster
delicacy,andLadyGagatweetedthathispickleswillmakeyouseeGod.JayZ
recentlyannouncedthatHerschelspickleswillbetheofficialpicklesoftheBrooklyn
Nets,withtheirownstandattheBarclaysCenter.

ButnooneappreciatesHerschelmorethantheyoungmenandwomenwhoworkfor
him.
Herschelchangedmylife,saidJoshHerson,arisingjunioratColumbia,whomans
oneofHerschelsfortypicklecarts.LastyearatthistimeIwasthinkingabout
becomingabankerorworkingforsomesoullessadfirm.ButinterningforHerschelhas
shownmethatyoudonthavetosellouttosucceed.
AccordingtoClaireDavenport,thecompanyschiefspokeswoman,picklesareonlythe
beginning.SarahsStatueofLibertyGarlicPickleswithSaltintendstoopenapolitical
actioncenterinWilliamsburg,withafocusonimmigrationreform.Andanartzineis
beingplannedincollaborationwiththeVortexFactory,theprofitsofwhichwillbe
donatedtoworthycauses.
WhenIaskedHerschelaboutthesedevelopments,herespondedwiththepithy
poeticismthathasmadehimsuchaculturaliconinWilliamsburg.
Everyonemustreturnjar.Ortheywillbeviolenced.
Itshardtothinkofabettermetaphorforourtimes.Ifwedontgivebacktosociety
ifwedontreturnourjarsthenourworldmayverywellfallapart.Luckily,we
haveHerscheltohelpusholditalltogether.
***
Strangethingssoonbegintohappen.PeoplestarttocameramewhenIamwalking
aroundwithcart.Sometimes,customersaskmetowritemynameonjarthattheyhave
bought.Oneday,newspaperladyasksmeopinionontheOccupymovement.Idonot
knowwhatthisis,butdonotwanttoseemignorant,soIletClaireanswer.
Ourcompanybelievesinthevalueofallhumanbeings,shesays.Westandforthe
ninetyninepercent.
Shesaysmanythingslikethistomanynewspaperpeople.Herwordsarecrazy,butIdo
notstopher,becauseitseemstomakemorepeoplebuyourpickles.Everyday,there
aremoreandmorecustomersliningup.
Thisissowonderful,shesaystomeonenight,whilehelpingmecountoutthedays
moneys.
Yes,Isay.Atthisrate,Iwillsoonberich.
ClairelaughslikeIhavemadejoke.Shetellsmesheistakingleaveofabsencefrom
studies,tohelpmewithcompanyfulltime.Iamverysurprised.

Simonhasallowedthis?
Ifinallybrokeupwithhim,shesays.Ijustcouldnttakeitanymore.EverydayI
waswithhim,itwaslikeIwaslosingapieceofmysoul.Idecided,ifImgoingto
investinarelationship,Iwantittobewithsomebodyauthentic.Somebodyhumbleand
principled.Andreal.
Shelooksintomyeyesandsmiles.
YouknowwhatImean,Herschel?
Inod.Ihavenotreallybeenlistening,becauseIwasbusycountingmoneys,butshe
saidmyname,soIknowitismyturntospeak.
Yes,Isay.Isfine.
Shereachesintolockboxandsqueezesmyhand.Eventually,sheletsgo,andIamable
togobacktocountingmoneys.
***
Oneday,Iamatmypicklestandsorry,oneofmypicklestandswhentwomenin
blacksuitsshowup.TheysaytheyarefromWalmartandaretryingtoconnectwith
youthmarket.ItistheirhopethatIwillcollaboratewiththemonamultiplatform,
Millennialtargetedmarketingcampaign.
Idonotunderstand,andso,asusual,IletClairespeak.
Werenotinterested,shesays.Pleaseleave.
Inodwithagreement;thesemenhaveboughtnopicklesandareholdinguptheline.
Ifyoudonotwanttobuyjars,Isay,youmustgetoutofhere!
Themeninsuitsshrugandwalkaway.Assoonastheyareoutofsight,myinterns
begintoapplaudforsomereason.Iamconfused.
Thatwasamazing!Clairesays,asshethrowsherarmsaroundme.Youtotallyblew
offthosecorporatedouchebags!
Isfine,Isay.
Inthedistance,IseetheWalmartmenclimbintolarge,blackcar.Itisverylong,I
notice,andalsoshiny.Ibegintogrowcuriousaboutthem.

Tellme,whoisthisWalmart?IaskClaire.
Theyreoneofthemostevilcorporationsonearth,shetellsme.Theyexploit
immigrants,sellpoisonousjunkfood,anddestroysmallbusinesses.Itsridiculous.
Theythinktheycanjustshowuphere,writeacheck,andgetwhomevertheywanttodo
theirbidding
Iinterrupther.
Whatischeck?
Its,like,money.
AtthispointIamrunning.Irunsofastbothofmyshoesfalloff.Eventually,after
severalblocksofscreamingandwavingmyarmsintheair,Icatchuptothese
wonderfulWalmartpeople.TheyopentheirdoorandIleapinsidecarbeforetheyhave
timetochangetheirmind.
***
Thedealisveryfair.Theygivemetwohundredthousanddollars,enoughtomake
downpaymentonhousethatIneedtodefeatSimon.Inexchange,Igivethemrightsto
mylikeness,name,face,andidentity,tousehowevertheywant,inunlimitedads,
forever.
IalsoagreetosellpicklecompanytoWalmart.TheirplanistorenameitBrooklyn
HipsterPicklesandreplaceallingredientswithchemicals.
Isfine,Isay.
Inexchangeforgivingthemcompany,Iwillreceivethirtythousandsharesoftheir
precious,beautifulstock,whichisvaluedatseventyfourdollarsandthirtyfourcents
pershare.
IannouncethenewsnextdayattheVortexFactory.Myroommatesarestillsleeping,
becauseitisnotyetnoon,butClaireandmyinternsareallpresent.Ittakesmelong
timetodescribedeal,becauseIcannotstopdancing.Eventually,though,aftermuch
dancing,Iamabletogetthewordsout.
Iassumethateveryonewilljoinmeinmydance,butinsteadtheyallstareatmewith
deadeyes.IhavenotseensuchmiserablefacessincetheGreatSiegeofSlupsk,when
thechildrenweretoldtheymustbutcherandeattheirpetrats.

Icantbelieveyoutookthemoney,Clairewhispers.Howcouldyoujustselloutlike
that?
Therearetearsinhereyes;slowly,itdawnsonmewhysheissoupset.
Iforgottohaggle,Iadmit.Itwasstupid.Ishouldhavedemandedevenmoreoftheir
sweet,sweetdollars.
Clairebangshertinyfistagainstthewall.
Howcouldyoubesoselfish?shesays.Itsdisgusting!ImeanwhatwouldSarah
say?
Isquintather,confused.Sarahwouldbeproud,ofcourse.Shewouldnotjoinmy
dance,becauseherlegwaslameanditshamedher.Butshewouldclapherhandsin
timewhileIdidmyrichmanjig.
Idonotunderstandwhyyouareupset,IadmittoClaire.Isitbecauseyouwant
someportionofmymoneys?
Sheglaresatme,hernostrilsflaredlikeangryhorse.
Wedidntjoinyourcompanyformoney,sheseethes.Wejoinedbecausewe
believedinyou!
Ilookoverattheinterns.
Sononeofyouwantmoney?
Theylookattheground,theirfacesslightlyred.
Iwouldntmindsomemoney,oneofthemmumbles.
Isfair,Isay,aftersomethought.Idomathinmyhead.Iwillgiveeachworker
bonusofeightyfivedollars.
Theinternscheer.
Yourepathetic,Clairesaystome.
O.K.,O.K.,Isay.Eightysixdollars.Butthatisfinal.

Shestartstopackupallofherbelongings:herfoldingcomputer,herothercomputer,
hertabletmachine,hershinytalkingphone.Somethinggraduallyoccurstome.
Oh,Isay.Iforgot.Youarewealthy.
Claireturnsaroundandstaresatme.Herfaceispale.
Excuseme?
Thatiswhyyoudonotcareaboutmoney.Becauseyoualreadyhavesomuchofit.For
you,alloflifeishappygame.
Hereyesbegintotwitch.
Thatissorude.shesays.Lifesaboutmorethanmoney,Herschel!
Yes,Isay.Forthosewhoalreadyhaveit.
Sheshakesherheadwithdisgust.
Youknowwhat?shetellsme.YourejustasbadasSimon.
***
ItissixweekslaterwhenIseemygreatgreatgrandson.Ihavemovedintowide
brownstoneonhisblock,soIknewsuchameetingwasinevitable.Buttheencounteris
stillsurprising,becauseitisfourinthemorning.
Atfirstwepretendnottoseeeachother.Buttherearenootherpeoplearound,anditis
hardtokeepuptheruse.
Hello,Isayeventually,fromacrossoursharedcourtyard.
Hello,hesays.Nicechain.
Ismileproudly.Ihadalwaysdreamedofowningjewelry,soafterbuyinghouseand
severalcratesofherring,Itreatedmyselftonecklace.Itissimple,modestpiece,just
fiftygoldenlinksandmynamespelledoutingems,withtheSswitchedtodollar
sign,sothatitreadsHer$chel.
Igotitinsideblackmanstore,Itellhim.Theyaretheonlyoneswhowouldgiveme
whatIwanted.

Congrats,Simonsays.Imgladyouredoingsowell.
Inod.Iamwaitingforhimtoaskmewhatchaincosts,butforsomereasonhedoesnot
dothis.
Thechaincostseventhousanddollars,Iinformhim.
Simonnods.
Congrats,hesaysagain.
ThereissomethingIwanttoaskhim,butIdonotknowhowtosayit.
Simon,Isay,istheresomethingwrongwiththeaironthisstreet?
Heraiseshiseyebrows.
Theair?
EversinceImovetothisstreet,Ihavebeenhavingproblemswithmybreathing.It
happenswhenIamtryingatnighttosleep.MyheartbecomesfastanditislikeIcannot
fillupmylungs.Ithinkthereispossiblypoisonintheairorsomething.
Simonnods.
Theyrecalledpanicattacks,hesays.Igetthemallthetime.Theyprobablyrunin
thefamily.
Hetakesoutsilverflask.
Trysomeofthis,hesays.
DoIlooklikeIrishman?
Justthinkofitasmedicine.
Iclosemyeyes,holdmynose,anddrinkfromthebottle.Thetasteishorrible,butafter
severalswallows,Imustadmit,mybreathingbecomeseasier.

Idonotunderstandwhatishappeningtome,IadmittoSimon.TonightIateeleven
cansofherring,oneaftertheother.ThenItookhotbathwithsoap,likefancyking.But
Icouldnotenjoyanyofit.Myheartkeptracing.WheneverIclosedmyeyes,Isawthe
dyingmenofSlupsk.Iimaginedthempointingatme,withangryfaces,cursingmefor
havingsomuchpleasure.
Soundslikeyouregettingaguiltcomplex.
Whatisguiltcomplex?
Itssomethingthathappenstorichpeople.
Whatisthecure?
Simonshrugs.Youcoulddonatesomemoneytocharity.
Yes,O.K.,butthatisnotgoingtohappen,sotellmeotheroptions.
Simonthinks.Well,youcouldtrytomakeadifferencesomehow.
IthinkofClaireandthepeopleintheVortexFactoryandhowtheyaretryingtochange
theworld.IhavenoM.F.A.,Isay,orPh.D.
Youcouldgogetone,hesuggests.Imean,theyreexpensive,butImsureyou
couldaffordit.
Iwouldratherhavemorejewels,Iadmit.
Isitdownonstoopandmassagemytemples.
PerhapsIwillbecomefreegan?Isuggest.Canfreeganseatherring?
Idontthinkso.
Nevermind.Itisverycold,andsoIdecidetotakemoresipsfromflask.Perhapswe
pray.
Simonraiseshiseyebrows.
What?

Wemustpray,Itellhim.Thatiswhywefeelguilt.Wehavereceivedsomany
blessings,farmorethanwedeserve,anditiswrongthatwehavenotsaidthanks.
Herschel,Ialreadytoldyou.Idontbelieveinthatstuff.Besides
Heavertshiseyes.
Whatisit?Isay.
Helooksdownathisfeet.
Well,Iveneverdoneitbefore.ImnotevensureIknowhow.
Ilaymypalmuponhisshoulder.
ThereisnowrongwaytopraytoHashem,Iwhisper.Justspeakwhatisinyour
heart.
Simonremainsstillforlongtime.Thenhenodssoftly,closeshiseyes,andkneels.
Whyareyoukneeling?Ishout.AreyouChristiannow?Standup,beforeGodsees
you!
Hejumpstohisfeet,hisfacebrightred.
Ithoughtyousaidtherewasnowrongwaytopray.
Yes,well,O.K.,butyoucannotkneel!ThatislikeslappingGodsface.Itishorrible
whatyouhavedone.
Ispitontheground.
Sorry,hemumbles.
Isfine,isfine,Isay.
Icatchmybreathandlaymypalmagainuponhisshoulder.
Justcloseyoureyes,Iwhisper.Andspeakyourheart.Remember,thereisnowrong
waytopray.

Simonnods,closeshiseyes,andbeginstospeak.
DearGod
Areyouinsane?Ishout.YouwouldslapGodsfacewithEnglishwords?
Simonthrowsuphishandsinfrustration.
Yousaidtherewerenowrongwords!
Isterriblethingthatyouhavedone.
O.K.,O.K.,hesays.Imsorry.Letmetryagain.
Ilaymypalmsoncemoreuponhisshoulders.
Thereisnowrongway,Iremindhim.
Hegivesanxiousnod,hesitatesandthencloseshiseyesoncemore.
O.K.,letssee.UmBaruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melekh haolam
hamotzi lehemmin ha-aretz?Heopenshiseyesandsmilesatme.Wasthat
allright?
Thatwasprayerforbread,Isay.Itmakesnosensewhyyouwouldsayit.Whereis
thebread?Iseenobreadhere.Thatwasmadness,yourprayerforbread.
Howaboutthis?Simonsuggests.IlltellyouwhatIwanttosaytoGodandyoucan
translateitforHim.
Ithinkaboutthisplan.
Isfine,Isay.Begin.
Hesitsdownbesidemeandcloseshiseyes.
WheredoIstart?hemurmurs.O.K.Uhtellhim,ImsorryIplayed2LiveCrew
atmybarmitzvahparty.AndthatIhaventbeentosynagogueinyearsandthatI
pretendedtobeChristianonceincollegetogetfreebarbecue
Slowdown,Isay.Iamonlyupto2LiveCrew.
Illjustsumitup,Simonsays.TellhimImsorryfortakingeverythingfor
granted.

IclosemyeyesandwhisperitinJewishlanguage.
IhavetoldHashem,Isay.Isfine.
Thesuniscomingup,butIamstillshivering.Thegoldchainfeelslikeiceagainstmy
flesh.MyteethhavestartedtochatterwhenSimontakesoffpurplescarfandhandsitto
me.
Whatareyoudoing?
Itsfreezingout.
Iamnotonewhotakescharity,Iremindhim.
Justtakeit.
IamputtingonscarfwhenIcatchsightofStatueofLiberty.Sheisstaringrightatme
throughpartedclouds.
Isfine?Iwhispertoher.
Shesmilesatme,herrightfistraisedintriumph.
Isfine,Ihearhersay.
Ipullthescarftightandclosemyeyestorest.