UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS

by C. de Tourcey
Arghh! I hate this constant scraping my legs are getting so worn out. Shovel, shovel,
shovel thats all I ever seem to do.
But you must keep going. Theyre all coming to get us. We havent got much time left.
Thems upstairs are coming with rifles and shotguns to kill us, this is SERIOUS!
But why is it always me that has to do the shovelling? Theres plenty of us, what are the rest
doing? I bet theyre busy shovelling food into themselves, theyre getting fatter and fatter!
No wonder Im the only one shovelling, coz theyre too fat to get down here now.
All the more reason for keeping going. Youre the only one that can save us now. Theyre
relying on you. When you get us out of this mess, theyll thank you from the bottom of their
hearts. Youll have plenty of time to rest, once this is all over.
How much longer have we got?
About six weeks and then itll be all over either well be dead or well be saved!
But when am I going to eat? I have to get upstairs to gather the grub. The others are all
eating my share. If I cant get upstairs to look for my worms, Im going to be dead too!
The poor thing continued shovelling and shovelling but didnt seem to realise that he was
getting dangerously close to the top of the sett rather than tunnelling down a few inches to get
to the next territory. He knew there wasnt much time but he was getting very frustrated
because the others didnt seem to realise the danger they were in. Thats what he thought.
They hadnt heard the warnings of the two-leggeds as they trudged through the wood.
But HE had! Hed heard the word and smelt danger. Except its one thing smelling danger
and another thing to hear it! He heard them muttering about things like TB but he didnt
know what that meant. Hed heard that the two-leggeds liked Teddy Bears so he didnt take
any notice because obviously they were after teddy bears and HE knew there werent any in
this part of the wood. They usually went to the south side where its all sunny so they could
have their picnics. Picnics were harmless and certainly no threat to him. Teddy bears dont
like worms anyway theyre too squidgy and slimy and they give teddy bears diarrhoea? He
didnt have very good hearing but he knew a lot about them upstairs. No, it was another
word that he didnt quite understand, so he thought and thought to himself
Perhaps they want to CALL us he thought. But why would two-leggeds want to call us.
They usually leave us alone most of the time. Theyre only interested in things that are much,

much higher than upstairs particularly things like the moon and other planets. Theyre
always looking upwards and not downwards, unless theyre looking for mushrooms!
He continued his shovelling for a little while, having got a second wind! Except there isnt
much wind downstairs in the tunnel. His sense of smell, though, reminded him that he hadnt
eaten and perhaps, if he tunnelled faster, he would get everybody to safety and, more
importantly, food!
Agh! Thats it! The two-leggeds want to CUT mushrooms! He stopped his tunnelling and
posed like a mushroom. Thats not easy when the ceiling is directly overhead.
But why come to this part of the wood for mushrooms? They usually grow in the north side
of the wood, where its all damp and dark. He continued musing to himself while his
shovelling slowed down.
Perhaps one of the two-leggeds is called CARL. Thats it, what a lovely name Twoleggeds always call each other by their names. But downstairs, its difficult to speak and
most of the time were asleep. We dont bother with things like that.
Then some of his uncles and aunts appeared behind him. They were wondering why he had
slowed down. Some of his family had travelled long distances in the past, even to the great
north uplands. They had come back with very strange sounds that he didnt quite understand.
He remembered that one of his great uncles kept saying that up north, the two-leggeds went
on a COOL! This he really didnt understand. What was so cool about being in the north?
They had come back saying that many of the family had died.
But we dont die from being COOL! he thought.
Come on, be quick, be quick! one of the aunts shrieked. Weve got to get out of here
fast. They started pushing him, hoping that this would make the tunnel grow faster in front
of them. Instead, they all got squashed together.
Stop that, STOP!!!! I cant breathe and my nose is bunged up. I cant go any faster. Why
cant you do the shovelling? If I cant smell with my bunged up nose, I cant get you out of
danger!
Because we are older than you and we cant shovel as fast as you.
But why do you want me to make a new tunnel? We dont need another tunnel! We have
plenty of tunnels here! Cant we just wait here? The two-leggeds cant come downstairs coz
theyre too big!
Hed forgotten that they couldnt just wait downstairs, that they had to go upstairs to get their
food.

Then one of the uncles, who had been upstairs when the two-leggeds had come, thought hed
better explain the situation. He hadnt wanted to alarm any of the family. He knew that some
of them were already dead. They had lived here forever, or at least in his lifetime, and there
was no need to move anywhere else. There was plenty of food worms, rats, mice, voles and
even shrews sometimes.
Listen here! You know that some of the family have died already. They didnt just die
because they were old. They didnt die, like some of us have, from rat poisoning. We love
our rats but weve had to keep off the rats because they taste so bad. Thats because the twoleggeds have put something into the rat food. Weve all smelled a rat! Thats why we dont
eat them any more.
No, this is much more serious and the two-leggeds are doing it in other parts of the country
as well. We have to find a safe place because in this area there is such a thing as a CULL!
Ahhhhhhh!!!! There was a loud shriek from them all. But they still didnt really
understand this word. So a very lengthy explanation was gone into and the more he
explained, the more horrified they all became.
But, well never get out of here! one cried. Were too fat now and we cant shovel very
fast. With only one doing the digging and shovelling, the two-leggeds will catch us.
They decided there and then to start shovelling too. If each one went down a different tunnel
and widened it slightly, then all of them could escape down different tunnels. That way, some
of them may survive the dreaded CULL!
So for what seemed like years rather than weeks (although really they didnt know how much
time it was taking), they shovelled and shovelled. They knew they couldnt go upstairs
because the guns would be there. So every ounce of fat went into the shovelling and quite
soon they were all looking quite emaciated. But they had decided that it was better to die of
starvation downstairs than to be gunned down in cold-blooded murder upstairs. At least they
would die as heroes, shovelling to the last!!!
***
A few weeks later, a little boy heard on the news of a rather strange event. Hed decided he
wanted to go and see for himself. After all, its difficult to understand things you hear!
Words get distorted or you think its one word and it turns out to be another. He had to travel
quite a distance to the far west of a big wood. He didnt tell his parents that he was going out
and he got his bicycle and pedalled like mad for hours and hours. He didnt have a map but
he somehow knew where to go. There are not many big woods left so he knew this must be
the wood that had been mentioned. He waited and waited until it got dark. There he found a
very unusual sight. Creeping in the moonlight were several small badgers, crawling out of

not just one hole, but each one came out of its own hole and together they all went into a
neighbouring field.
Very strange he thought. What are they doing?
Lit up by the moonlight a herd of cows could be seen. They had come from the other side of
the field and they just stood stock still. The most wondrous sight youll ever see cows
allowing the badgers to drink the milk straight from their udders. They had been saved by the
cows!
29th January 2014