CHARACTERS HELEN, the mother JOHN, the father NANNY, the nanny CYNTHIA ‘A WOMAN IN THE PARK [ANOTHER WOMAN IN THE MRS. WILLOUGHBY, the principal MISS PRINGLE, a teacher YOUNG MAN SUSAN . ‘THE PARK, and MRS. ‘The parts of NANNY, WOMAN IN nd MRS WILLOUGHBY may be played by the same actress. The ps GL CYNTHIA, ANOTHER WOMAN IN THE PARK, SMISS PRINGLE, and SUSAN may be played by the same BABY WITH THE BATHWATER Acr Sore 1 ‘The home of Jobn and Helen, a couple in ther late 205 o early 30s. They are standing over basinet HELEN, Hello, baby. Hello, JOHN. Te ooks just ike me HELEN, Yes it does, Smaller. JOHN. Well, yes. HELEN, And it looks just lke me, It has my hair, JOHN. Yes it docs HELEN, (Stightly worried) 1 wonder if t would have been better ‘off having your hair? JOHIN. (Reassuringly.) Your hair is lovely HELEN. (Touched) Thank you, JOIN. You're weicome. (They mile at one anather warmly.) JOHN. (Back to the dassine.) Hello, baby. Hello. Cooooo. HELEN. Cooooo0o. Cummmmmqust, Cumimmmm-quat! JOHN. Hee haw. Hee haw. Daddy's ltde baked potato HELEN, Don't call the child a baked potato. JOHN. ies a term of affection HELEN. It isn't It’s a food. No one wants to be called a baked potato, JOHN. Well ic doesnt speak English HELEN. The various books say that you should presume your child car understand you. We don’t want it to have problems in kindergarten or marriage because you called it a baked potato. JOHN. Tt scems to me you're losing your sense of humor. THELEN. (Firmly) Tjuse don't want to make the child insane— thar’ all Bringing up a child isa delicate thing. JOHN. Alright, you're nota baked potato, sweet pea. (She looksthin inert he se) Ad ye na a et pe Sie. oe baby tay ben by be HELIN. Tanta dre Jounin RRL ou heard me, {van dre TORN ae you snp ote ead tne tts om iden se ken fame, Bo you att do tt oo eM THELEN Far el vend mange, 100 on we tured {told ve ma no, JOH bute ore ch the. TERE You hav on 1 don ie men with Nod fac ih ary ba Tm ai of Pn ot wisi fy. tte you JOH Wa? Tota postprem deren? TREEEN Bont a nat pont paen depron, yo ow tethng most (Ts ay) Me us do wan hing, ihe, ene pet SOHR cai a pom, you ca a ta pie THELEN, 1 dda eat ia pe JOHN Youd. You sid sete ple ' IEELRNe Suc pc wan expen, cia pe, You dont tet court and erste pe JOLIN Wi ty nt on ning evry rumen Jeet aaa ttn Res ung db we ag oma) Men dost so tow argue Tati ey sjecade tng on iH Ta eis TRRLEN! Boye and men bit one another ont. They a ‘wane anton eves y ply fl chy wrt sees thy apeone rth! inp, hy rape wren sesh bc eye (I ay) Boar of ey arin Bo de'ytve no svr Ping Be sma JOEN, Thatson wd nts, Andis ag? hoot Tear by ELEN We dost know what seit Heston om, The de Sei we eld ae SOntRe Yodo eer. Gender ina fit not a deci= TIBLEN, ‘That's not what the doctor suid to me. He said some- thing about the DNA molecule, They're splitting it diferendly 6 now. He said if the DNA combined one way, the child would hhave testosterone and then we could either have it citeumsized ‘or not, depending, Or else the DNA combines with estrogen, in ‘which ease it would be a gisl. Or in some cases, the DNA com bines with cobalt molecules, and then the child would be radio- active for 5000 years and we'd have to send it out into orbit. JOHN. What are you talking about? “HELEN. Can't you speak English? frm martied to an idiot. (To aly.) Your father is an idiot. Ob God, please let me meet a dark haired man who's smarter than Tan, (To Jahn.) Oh why dont you go away? I don't like you JOHN. T don't understand. We were very happy yesterday. THELEN, What are you talking about? Happy? Who was happy? JOHN. We were. We were making plans. The childs school- ing, what playground to take ito, whether ta lett play with toy guns, how to toilet train i. HELEN. Oh God, toilet training. I cant face it. Well have to hare someone. JOHN. We don't have money to hire anyone. THELEN. Well, well have to earn the money. JOHN. But we can‘t earn money. I was let go from work. HELEN. Wel, you can find another job. JOHN. I need rest, I realy don't feel able to work right now. HELEN. John, that’s not practical, JOHN. i want co go back to bed. HELEN. But, John, you wanted to be responsible, don't you remember? Right after that week you stayed bebinl the refrig~ ‘erator, you came to me and said, “The immaturities of my ‘youth are over now, Helen. Lets make a baby." And then we «did, Don't you remember? JOHN. [ need profesional help. I want to go to McLains in “Massachuserts. That's the institution James Taylor was in for a time. He seems so tranquil and calm when he gives his concerts, ‘And he has a summer house on Martha's Vineyard. Maybe, when the doctor says Fm well enough, I could go to Mar HELEN. JOHN, LIVE UP TO YOUR RESPONSIBILE ‘TIBS! (Bly cries) Ob, God, it's erying. What should we do? JOHN: Sing to it HELEN. (Sings baby roeey, soft.) There's no business like show business like no business 7JOHN. A lullaby, sweetheart. HELEN. I don't know any hilabys. JOHN. (Sings) Hush litle baby, don't you cry, Mama's gonna give you a big black eye HELEN. Good heavens, those aren't the lyrics. JOHN, I know they're not. can’ remember the right ones. HELEN. Oh God, You're going to teach baby all the wrong lyrics to everything. fs going to have trouble with ics peer 7 eT a me es eee ee ees ea aeer caaeeeeee eb ee a) a NANNY. (Goer oor teri ina high soothing if odd eves) Hel Se Hc Ba a i a ge ie ee ead my eee jaesbeabe aig oak es, So ene arene aoe 8 feck; then she yells stidently) SHUT UP! (Baby ts abrapily quiet ‘Nanny i pleased.) JOFIN. (Looking atthe baby.) I think you've given ita heart attack, NANNY. No, no, i's just resting. HELEN. Oh thank goodness it stopped. JOHN, Who are you? NANNY. Tam the ghost of Christmas Patt. Hahahahaha, No just making a joke, T get a ist ofall the new parents from the hospital, and then I'just dacend upon them, Now, I need Wednesday evenings off, and Tm allergic to asparagus and lobeter HELEN, We never have lobster. NANNY. And I like chunky peanut butter better than the smooth kind, but if you already have the smooth kind, wel fn- ish that off before you buy a new jar JOHN. I can' afford you, NANNY. And I don't do windows, and I don't do floors, and I ‘don't do laundry, but T make salmon salad and tuna salad and salad nigoise and chef salad and chunky peanut butter sand- Wiches, and I make my own yogurt in a great big vat, JOHN. You can't stay here. HELEN. But I need help. I can't cope by myself, Please, John. JOHN. But Pim on unemployment, NANNY. Well, well just get you another job. JOHN. Bu what can T do? NANNY. Why don't you become an astronaut? That pays very well. Ora football player. Or a newscaster. (To by.) Wouldnt ‘you like to see your Daddy on television, baby? Baby? (Leaks into the silent basind.) T think the snake seared it. (To baby.) WAKE UP! (Baby ci.) There, that’s better. (Sm, pleased) HELEN. Please don't shout at it, Tes not good for it JOHN. Maybe I should hold it to comfort i HELEN. That would be very responsible, John, That's a good boy. Goad boy. JOHN. Thank you. (Holds bay, ohich stops eying.) ELEN. John's been fired from his job, you see NANNY. Wel, that won't put food on the table. HELEN. I could get a job, I suppose. But what would 1 do? NANNY. Well, why don't you write a novel? “The World Ac-cording to Garp" sold very well recently. Why don't you write omething like that? HELEN. Ob, that’s a good idea. But [need a pencil and paper. NANNY. Oh, Well, here's a dollar. Now you go to the store land buy some paper and a nice felt tip pen HELEN, Now? NANNY. No time like the present. Right, baby? HELEN, Ob, John, please put the baby down. I'm afraid one of us might drop it. (To Nanay.) U had a cocktail for breakfast, land John took some Nyquil and quaaludes. JORIN. T gee tense. NANNY. Pus the baby down, John. You're spoiling it. (Tales it from him, puts itn basint) Now, what should we call it, do you think? : HELEN, Well, John's father’s name was John, and his mother's name was Joa, and my fathers name was John, and my mother’s name was Tillary, and my doctor's name is De. Ar thur Hammerstein, but I really want a woman doctor who can understand me, but is o hard co find a doctor. NANNY. Yee, but what about a name, a name? HELEN. Don't you get cross with me. NANNY. All right, we won't call the baby anything JOHN. We could calli John after me if ts a boy, and Helen after you if i's a gic. HELEN. No, I don’ want to eal it anything now. I'm going back to bed. NANNY. [ thought you were going to buy paper and pencil to start your novel HELEN, I don't want to. I want to deep. NANNY. I gave you a dollar HELEN. T don't care. NANNY, Here's another dollar. Go buy yourself an ice cream soda on the way home. HELEN. Of, thank you nanny. [love you, (Hugs he, runs off) NANNY. Wete all going to have to be very kind to her. (To aby.) Dorit depend on mommy, baby. She's not all there. (To Jom.) So what can I do for you? JOHN. T really haven't hired you yet, you know. NANNY. You want a quick one? JOHN, Pardon? 10 NANNY. Us older girs have a few ticks up our sleeves, you now. Tet T know some things your wile does know. JOHN, T dont know. T had a quaalude this morning, T dont ‘ally fel upto anything NANNY. Its very rude to turn me down. You might hurt my feelings. JOUIN. Well, what about the baby? NANNY. The baby docs’ have to know anything about it Nov we haven't mach time, she's geting the paper and pen and the icecream soda JOHN: Well, all ght, but ees not doit her. fel uncomfor able infront ofthe baby NANNY, We could distract it. We could play loud music LJOHIN. But we might hur it eardrums. I want to be a good father NANNY, Wel, ofcourse you do. {have tiny litle earplugs we could putin its cars, JOHN. Well, den, whats the point ofthe loud musi? NANNY. (Think bu ost anrie the mite.) T dont know. JOHN. This is all geting oo complicated NANNY. (Gheflf.) Very well! Let's just doi inthe kitchen Come cn. (Ste netic das Job of inthe Kitchen. fle mo ‘ment, the baby start o exp. young woman, rater swet-oking but ‘feel shabby, ents the opment Her names Chi. She appaars ta hase wandered int the arent for mo pave resan. She ey pregnant She was or othe Basin and rings elt Uh baby fo ofr i After af ines of ha sng, the baby de stop ying. Chia las singing ti for le: hr eit pleasent and sothing ) CYNTHIA. (Sigs) Hush litle baby, Dont say a word, Momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird, ‘And if that mockingbird dont sing, Mommas gonna buy you a golden ving, And if that golden cing turns brass, ‘Mommas gonna by you a looking gas, ‘And if that looking glass ges broke, ‘Mommas gonna buy you a billy goat. (Hans Gta sil hat the aly hes en comfrtel and, sham Iring, esd back oof he spartan. Lights dim) nScene 2 Laer that night, Dark: Baby crier, Voices of Ok God.” The {ight come up. The couch has ben pened up to make a bed. In the bed are len, Nanny, and Jobin nightgown aed pga: sas. Nanay is sound asl, HELEN. Baby, wee sleeping. Now go back to sleep. John, yor tak wie JOHN. Enough of thi nie ite child, Day and Mommy tre decping HELEN. Oh God it wont stop. Nanny, wake up. Nanny! JOHN, Nanny! (Ty poe er) NANNY. (Coming ot fe deam ) Where am I? Hep! Water to the right of me, water fo the let of me. Ode to Grevan urn ie back do) HELEN, Nanay, baby’s calling you. NANNY. Tin slepy HELEN, Nanny, youre the nanny. NANNY. (Pointing Join) What about Tiger here? JOHN, Doo call ne Tiger, NANNY. Tiger Ruff. Ruf (Ge ap) Allright, bby. Nannys coring, (Pes ap babs) Heloooenne, baby. Heliloodoo, baby ‘Thats right. Wheeeeeeceeecee, Wodooed00000000, Wana anana (Aaps malig to ef thing, sande fy hough nest tate, Baby des arp cing) HELEN. Why did she call you Tiger? JOHN. Idone know. She was probably dreaming. HELEN. Ob, babys wopped. Thank goednene for Nanny. And her Salad Nigoise was so good for dner JOHN. Yee war, Helen, T done thik this is going 1o work HELEN, What int? JOHN, Nanny HELEN. [think is working out fine JOHN. cant seep thee n'a bed THELEN. Jon, when we'e rich wll buy a big house with an extra rooin for Nanny. Un then, ts sine JOHN. Helen, I dont hink Nasty it good person NANNY. [heat that 2 JOHN, Nanny, please, were trying to have a private conversa: NANNY. Dont you talk behind my back. Tl hire a lawyer. Well slap an injunction against you JOHN. Pleate, you deal with baby, and let Helen and me Figure this out NANNY. Tve finished comforting baby. (Braspudy.) Go to sleep, baby. (Tose it back into the bassinet.) Now you say to my face that f'm not a good person. JOHN. Well maybe that’s too strong. But I think you're too ‘ough with baby. I mean, you just threw it into the bassinet. NANNY. Do you hear it crying? JOHN. No, but maybe its fainted or something. NANNY. Its just resting. JOHN. You keep saying that, but I think you have it fainting. “And it has this look of panie on its face. NANNY, Look, don't tell me how to handle children. I got it down, HELEN. Nanny knows best, John. And she's helping me with ‘my novel. She liked the firet chapter, John. NANNY. I did. I thought it showed real promise HELEN. And then when I sell my novel, ifwe get # good deal for the paperback rights, then we can buy a house in the coun- try and maybe we can have another baby. JOIN. Helen, Nanny seduced me this afternoon when you ‘were out buying paper. NANNY. That a le JOHN. es the truth. I was unfaithful © you, Helen. (Helen Yooks tin earns.) Pm sorry. HELEN, I don't know how to cope with this, JOHN. So you can see why I don't fel comfortable all three of| ‘us in the bed. HELEN. (Near tears.) I don't know how to cope. JOHN. tm really sory. Ie was Nanny's fal NANNY. He raped me! JOHN. I didat. That's a lie, Helen HELEN. I don't want to talk about this anymore! Im going to ‘work on my novel inthe kitchen, and I'm going to pretend that Tive alone. (Exits) JOHN. Well, things are in a fine mess. 13NANNY. You told her, T did't, JOHN, Whae we did was wrong. NANNY. Oh for Goits sake, it didn't mean anything, Te ‘would've been fine if you hadn't told her JOHN. I felt guilty. f’s wrong to cheat on your wife NANNY. You're such a dollard. There is no right or wrong, there's only fun! JOHN. That can't be true, I mean, there are certain things that ‘are intrinsically wrong, and when we figure out what these things are, then we are said to have values NANNY. Haven't you read "The Brothers Karamazov"? Ivan Karamazov realizes that because there is no God, everything is permitted JOHN. I don’t understand, NANNY. Breyhing is permed, (ite bt of his nd JOHN. Why did you do that? NANNY. [al like it. Everything is permitted, (Laughs. Re-eler Helen, in raincoat and rainhat, holding she of paper) HELEN, Tm taking my coat and the first chapter of my novel and the baby, and I'm leaving you. JOHN, Helen, Im sorry, it won't happen again. THELEN. You obviously prefer Nanny to me, and ro as far as Tm concemed, you can just go to hel NANNY. (Goninely mesning iz) Ob T love arguments JOH. Helen, we have co stay together for the baby. HELEN. No, fm taking the baby and the novel, and you won't fet any of the paperback rights at all. Goodbye. JOHN. The baby's asleep, HELEN, Or fainted, as you said, Nanny bats it around so, (Picks up baly.) Mommy's going to save you now, sweetie pie. JOHN. Thave rights to the baby too, HELEN, Baby will thank me later JOHN. But where will you go at this hour? THELEN. (41 alos.) Well go to. . . Marriot’s Essex House, JOHIN. Our credit cards have been cancelled HELEN. All ight. Well slep in the park, I don't cae, 1 just have to leave here! Don't touch me! JOHN. But its freezing out. Baby will eatch pneumonia, HELEN. Wel I cant help it. You dont di from pneumonia. 4 JOHN. But you do, you do die from pneumonia! "HELEN. Don’ tell me what to do. IKNOW WHAT IM DO- ING! (Brit sith baby.) JOHN, Helen! NANNY. Let her go, shelll be back in a few minutes. I know these hysterical mothers JOHN. They're going to get very ill, is very cold outside. NANNY. It bad to fuss too much as 2 parent, your child will ‘grow up afraid, Let baby discover some things for itself. You ‘want a quick one? JOHN. What? NANNY. You heard me JOHN. Bust it’s wrong. Sexual infidelity is wrong NANNY. Wrong, right, I don’t know where you pick up these phrases. Didn't they teach you about Darwin in public school? ‘The fish came out of the water, covered with a viscous sub- stance, and then bones and vertebrae were evolved, and then ‘male and female, and then the egg and the ovum and the tes cles and the semen, and then reproduction, and then dinosaurs, ‘¢ maybe dinosaurs before that, and then local governments, fand then the space program, and then nuclear power plants and now cable television and Home Box Office. Wine do you find right and weong in all that??? Tell me. (Re-enter Hees, wt with baby, wet.) HELEN. I fell in a puddle, Tm all wet. NANNY. Wel, if ist Nora five minutes after the end of “A Dolls House.” HELEN. I thought you were going to help me, and now all you do is pick on JOHN. Good God, the baby’s soaking we. HELEN. Of course, its wet, Ttold you T fell in a puddle, NANNY. Helen is the worst mother, isnt she, baby? HELEN. Don't you say that. John, hit her for me. JOHN. (Ve foreful suddenly.) Now enough of allthis arguing! ‘Were going to get baby in some dry clothes, and Helen in some dry clothes, and then we're going to take Nyquil and quaaludes land get some sleep! And we will discuss all these problems in the morning, Is that clear? HELEN, Yes, John. NANNY. Yes, John,JOHN. Very well. Now no more talking. (John pus baby in bas- Sine and changes its ltes; Helen stars to ake of her higs,snezing ‘ccasionlly. Nanny ets, reenter) NANNY. Ive got the Nyquil JOHN. Thank God. NANNY. You have its feet in the armholes JOHN. The point is chat it's dry, right? NANNY. The point isto do things right. HELEN. You said no more talking. I want to go to sleep. JOHN. All right, But in the morning, we're going to kill ‘Nanny. (Nanay loks at Joi with supicion ) HELEN. Let's just have our Nyguil and not argue anymore JOHN. Should we give baby Nyquil? HELEN. Oh I don't knove. What does it say on the label? JOHN. I don't know. Tan’ read the amall prin. [need glascs, HELEN. Well if you can't read, then there's no solution, is there? NANNY. Why don’t we just ask baby? Do you want sorme Ny- uil, honey? Do you? Huh? (Pause) It won't say. Ie just sar ing back, hostilly HELEN. Oh why can't it be a happy baby? (Notie.) John, you've dressed it all wrong. It can barely move that way, JOHN. I'm going to sleep now. [don't want to hear any more ‘complaints! (Joke, Helen, and Nanny gt indo bed.) NANNY. Good night everybody, HELEN. Good night, Nanny. (Kisses her) I love you. (To Join.) Thate you. JOHN. Good night, Helen. (They i down tse Afr moment ‘Gynhia ents. She goes tothe bassina.) CYNTHIA. Hello, baby. Helloooo000. (The tein bed sit up cand stare at her.) HELEN. Who are you? CYNTHIA. I'm just so upset. Im very poor, and I gave birth in the hospital to'a darling lite boy, ot girl, and when T came hhome from the hospital, there's no heat in iny apartment and there's no furniture, ther’ just my German shepherd. And, of ‘course, T hads't fed it in about a week, since T went into the hospital, so T went out to buy some baby food and some dog. food. But there's no furniture, so I left the baby on the floor, and when Teame back, the dog had eaten the baby. And now I don't know what to do. 16 NANNY. Have you told this story to the Nav York Post? CYNTHIA. No, NANNY, Well, Td start out by doing that. CYNTHIA. But I'm 30 tired aow. JOHN. What is the matter with you? Why did you leave your ‘baby on the floor? CYNTHIA. Please dos't yell at me. I don't have any furniture! NANNY. There, there, you poor thing. Weill get you another baby. Youll adopt. CYNTHIA. But Tin not a fit mother NANNY. Everyone's allowed one mistake HELEN. (Suspiciusy.) Where's the dog? CYNTHIA. I have i¢ right outside in the hallway. Would you Tike to keep it? (She goes tothe dos; Joe springs up and Blocks the doer: JOHN. Don' you bring that dog in here! NANNY. Now there's no reason to hold this woman's stupidity ageinst her dog, That's wnfair. (To Cynthia.) Of course, we want the dog. It sounds like a good watch dog, CYNTHIA. Well actualy it's always been vicious, but you see normally [ fed i, Te’ just that when I was in the hospital, they woulda’ let me leave. NANNY. Administrative red tape. Ie really behind so much evil and Suffering in the world. HELEN. I don't know. I think she's a terible woman. CYNTHIA. Oh, please, I fee! 90 guilty. Don't hate me. really just done know any better. T didn listen to anything they taught ze in school, Something about equal sides of an isosceles trian- dle. And I don't have any furniture at home, And you have lovely furniture. Do you mind if I lie down and sleep for a moment, Tm really exhausted. (She lies down om the sofa bed and fll asleep imomediatly.) NANNY. Poor child HELEN, Why is she here? We don't want her here. NANNY. Where is your chatty? The poor child is going to have to live with her stupidity all the rest of her life. Maybe shell even have to go to prison when the police hear of it all. Surely you wouldn't begrudge her one nights sleep of safety and maybe not, But can we make her go in the 7NANNY. Well see, Come, John, come to bed. Tomorrow's go- ing to be a busy day. (Nanas, Helen, and Jon lie dium nett the sping Cynthia. Lights dim.) Sonn 3 Sound of dg barking viciously; baby crying, Lights up on the fous of them in the sofa bd HELEN. Someone make that noise stop. JOHN. Be quiet, baby HELEN, Is baby barking? JOHN. Oh God, that dog. (To Gmuhia.) Hey, you, wake up ‘Shut up your dog somehow. CYNTHIA. I was having such a pleasant dream, JOHN. Make your dog be quiet. ‘CYNTHIA. What dog? JOHN. Your dog is barking ‘CYNTHIA. (Plesanty.) Ob yes, Uhear it now. Ie must smell baby. HELEN. Oh dear God. CYNTHIA. Don't be alarmed. Is just hungry. Do you have any red meat? JOHN. Maybe there's some red meat in the refrigerator. ‘CYNTHIA. Well go give it some, and then itll stop barking. (Smids.) Don't lt ie get your hand though. (John exits to chen) HELEN, Where did you get the dog? CYNTHIA. Oh, some terrible people were beating it in the ppark, and I felt sorry for it, s0 1 asked them iFT could have it HELEN. And so they gave it to you? CYNTHIA. Yes. They beat me up for quite a while. Twenty ‘minutes, it seemed, maybe it was shorter, i¢s hard to judge time that way. And then the dog and I eraved to my apartment, and ‘we've just been together ever since. (Jokr returns fom the then with package of hopped meat, goes inthe hal tthe barking dg. Bark ing gets worse, th ferocious eating noises eur; Jl comes back.) JOHN. IC took the meat ‘CYNTHIA. Ir really oer meat. Pm a vegetarian myself tried to:make the dog eat bean sprouts and broccoli once for a while, bout it didnt work ot, 18 JOHN. Someone should really change baby think HELEN. Ob, I don't want to, Let Nanny do it NANNY. (Not mong) Tn leping CYNTHIA. Os Tilda i. love ables, (Gost baby) Vad the ‘most wonderful dream lastnight. T'dreame that 1 kidnapped your baby, and hae the dog, baby and myself tok a bus to Florida and had a wonderfl ime on the beach. (On the word “kinpped," the tein edi odor ith ying des of concn) Vaid we ll gor seriously sunburned inthe dream, bu Tdon' know if we de rom i of no becuse then I woke up with the doy barking. Ob, your baby's wo grumpy loking What's the matter, baby? Doe you like me? HELEN, Ws very grouchy bay. Were not very happy witht CYNTHIA. Iknow. Thave a ite toy it wil ike. The moses gave it tome athe hospital (Hols up ite ad thing when ‘he shales it) Hey? 1a ie rel thingomajig, Is it cute? T dou think baby kes me. Why don you like me, baby? NANNY. (Wt erat dirt) Why doit you read ti then? Baby loves to bevread to. (Ens og into Kr Namy cet) CYNTHIA. Ob all sight. (Meads aba, king oro ook) HELEN. John, you beter getup and go look for work JOHN. T just want to slesp. Leave ine alone (Fide under Pill) HELEN. Joho, you have responsibilities, Look atm GYNTHIA. Fiercs a book, Now if Tread to you, will you promise tose at me, baby? JOHN: Lets geta divorce. You wanted one yesterday, Let's get HELEN. Is not practical now. Baby neds father, and nancial syppot un fish my novel CYNTHIA. Chapter Seven. Shortly after Mommie Dearest won her Oscar foreMitred Pierce” she would burs int Chis {opher and my room at 3 the morning screaming, "Fite dill Fire dil! ebm and Hen lk ot Cptha or moma, hn rer ‘other ararint) JOHN: Helen, thi novel idea ina pip dream. Dont you know that? HELEN, It snot. Nanny sid ny frst chapter was briliant. NANNY, (Offstage) Well, tot brillant peshape. But quite commercial, 1d say weed 19CYNTHIA. Then she'd pour gasoline on the curtains and set them on fire, while weld sereara and scream, (Mabe playful sevean noises.) Aaaaggh! Aaaaggh! JOHN. But you can't write, don't you know that? HELEN. What do you know? I can too! (Nanny reeners sith Hl’ sill soggy sheaf of papers) NANNY. Read him your first chapter then, that show him, CYNTHIA. I would try to untie Christopher from his bed, but Mommie wouldn't let me HELEN. (Prondly.) Chapter One. I am born, I was born in a workhouse in London in 1853. (Cynthia tums to rading 0 the aly as Helen continues to read from her navel. Nanny ad John do ther est to give Helen thir tetin, but find tir fcus hopelessly caught be ‘eueen the two noel readings. Bvetualy Joh end Naxry begin to look Aticowaged and disoriented by how dificult sto follow ether story.) HELEN. My mother, who. CYNTHIA. As the burning ever she may have been, had curtains came dser and closer Jet me at the doorstep of ato Christopher's bed, he eried wealthy man named Mr. aloud, "God in heaven, save Squire of Squireford Manor. me from Mommie!” ‘Then However, wicked travelling Mommie took out a fire extin- fypsies came by the Squire’ guisher and sprayed the cur doorstep and snatched me up tains as well as Christopher and left me at the workhouse, and myself. And then with ‘My first conscious memory is tears streaming down her of litle Nell, the cobbier’s cheeks, Mommie screamed, daughter, being run over by a “Cleanup your rooms! Bad coach and four, Christina! Bad Christopher! Look at this dirt HELEN. (Unable staxd it anymore) WILL YOU BE QUIET??? Tam oping to read from my novel CYNTHIA. I am reading © baby. HELEN. I don’t care what you're doing. You're a guest inthis house CYNTHIA. Baby will grow up with no love of literature if you don’t read to it HELEN. It’s my baby, and I raise it as I se ft CYNTHIA, No, its ray baby! (Snatees twp.) T ean see that my dream was a sign Tshould have it 2 HELEN. Give it back to me at once! CYNTHIA. No, I won't! You're not fit parents. I know Pm ‘of negligence with my baby, but it was an honest mistake, ‘And T love babies. But you three are heartless. You don't hold the baby when it cries, you dress it wrong ao it can't move in its pajamas, and you're both so inconsistent as people changing from one mood to another that youll obviously make it crazy. ‘That's why it never smiles. I may be forgetful, but baby has a chance with me! HELEN. Give it back to me! (Rune toward he.) CYNTHIA, Don’t come near me, oF Til throw it out the win: dow! JOHN. Good Lord, she's insane, (Eowryone stand very sill, Cyn “hia starts to move slewly tothe dor) CYNTHIA. Now I'm going to leave here with baby and with the dog, and we're going to go to Florida, and you're not to fol low us NANNY. Now let the dream be warning. Don't stay in the sun too long. Babies have light skin. CYNTHIA. I know what Im doing. Come on, baby, you'll be safe with me. (Runs outdoor, dog bars.) Come on, doggie, its Just me and baby. (Sound of dog barking, baby crying.) HELEN. John, whar should we do? NANNY. You could have another baby. HELEN, John, we have to go after her JOIN. T need amphetamines HELEN, John, we haven’ time, JOIN. Told you we shouldn't have let her stay here HELEN. You said no such thing. And thats not the point now anyway. We've got to run after her JOHN. Were not dressed, HELEN. Oh you're impossible, (She runs ou) JOHN. You're right. Im coming. (He run ott.) NANNY. (To audience, friendly.) Well, time to move on here, T think. Pye done all Tea do here. So Filjust pack. (Notes some thing.) Oh, she forgot her lite red toy. Ob, too bad. (Picks toy 4p, reads something on i) “Caution. Keep away from children, Contains lead, asbestos, and red dye #2." (Zaugh.) Wel, I guess itis meant asa childs toy a all then. (Looks a with ter bf fier) But what would it be meant as, I wonder? (Energized by ‘an idea) Maybe itis toy, and the exationary warning is satiric! a(Tose the to into bassinet) Hard to tell. So many mysteries. But children can survive it all, they are sturdy creatures. They ebb and flow, children do; they have great resiliency. (Warm) ‘They abide and they endure. (Revnler John and Hele, holding Irby. Thy ar pid with elie) JOHN, We ot it NANNY. On, did you? HELEN. Yes, the stapid gil ran right in front of a bus, it ran right over her. JOHN. Squashed her. HELEN, Baby was just lucky and fell between the wheels, NANNY. Ohi that was lucky. Children are sturdy creatures, they ebb and flow. HELEN. The dog was stil living, so John pushed it in front of ‘an oncoming car, and now it’s dead too. JOHN. The motorist was rl angry. But it seemed too compli: ‘cated t0 explain, so we just grabbed baby and ran, HELEN. Thank goodness. (Looks at bal.) Baby looks so star- Hed. T's been a busy day, hasn't i? Yess JOHN. Nanny, Helen and T were talking while we ran back here, and things are going to be diferent now. The immaturites ‘of my youth are over and I'm going to take the responsibility af being a father, and Helen is going to be a mother. And we're not leting anymore crackpote into our home. HELEN. That's right, John. JOHN, And s0, Nanny, Tim going to have to ask you to leave now. Helen and have both derided that you're insane, NANNY. (Grosses te the.) When it ties, you hold it. You should feed it regularly. You should keep it clean, Be consistent with it, Don’t eo0 one minute and shout the next HELEN. I'm giving up my career asa novelist to care for baby, ‘And any resentment I fee! I won't ever show NANNY. Well that all sounds excellent. Goodbye, Helen Goodbye, Tiger HELEN, Goodbye, Nanny. We love you. JOHN. Goodbye. (Nanny smiles fondly end vases. Then ents.) HELEN. (4ftr a mament.) Ob, job. | feel 10 lonely now. JOHN. We have each other, And baby. HELEN. ‘That's true. Twish I didnt have a baby and that Thad 2 writen “Scruples instead. JOHN. Well, Twish Twere in MeLains, but I thought we were ioing to be positive about things from now on. HELEN. You're right. I was just kidding, Lets be parents now. Hellooo, baby. (They put Baby back indo basin.) JOHN. (7 baby.) Felllooo. Baby looks 20 startled HELEN. Well, of course, its been a terrifying day. Baby had never even seen a bus before, let alone been under one. (Lovingly, 4 the baby.) Don't worry, sweetie pie. Mommyll protect you from now on. Sheil protect you from buses, and from dogs, and from crazy people; and from everything and anyihing that oes bump in the night JOHN. (Playfuly.) Bomp, bump, bump, HELEN. (Fondly) That’ righ, John JOHN. And Datidy loves you t00, my litle baked potato HELEN. (Sudémly absolutly friout ) T'TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ITA BAKED POTATO!!! JOHN. Em sorry, Tm sorry. Jesus. You mustn't raise your ‘ice that way around baby. Youll make it deaf or something. HELEN. Tm sorry. I feel better now. JOHN. Okay, well fonget it. (Zo aby.) Allover, baby. You're tale now, my litle bak- .. baby. No more shouting, Bvery- thing's fine. Can you smile for daddy? HELEN. Or mommy? JOHN. Can you smile for mommy and daddy? Here's «nice lite red toy. (Hod up the red ty.) Won't that make you smile? Huh? Oh why won't it smile? SMILE, damn it, SMILE! HELEN. Smile, baby! BOTH. (4ngy.) SMILE! SMILE! SMILE! SMILE! HELEN. (Please) Oh, John, look, its smiling JOHIN. That's right, baby. HELEN. Do you think its just pretending to senile to humor us? JOHN. 1 think ies 200 young to be that corapicated HELEN. Yes, but why would ie smile at us when we shouted JOFIN. 1 don’t know. Maybe its insane. HELEN. I wonder which iis. Insane, of humoring us? JOHN. Look, it’ sill smiling. Maybe it kes the toy. Do you like the toy, baby? Here, you play with ita while, baby. Te 2‘makes a funny noise, doesnt it? Tingle tangle. Tingle tangle. (The baby throws tha oy out ofthe bassinet.) Oh, it doesn't like the toy. HELEN. What a fussy baby. (Pleyfily.) Fussy baby, Fussy baby. JOHIN. (Zoppy.) Oh, it's sil smiling HELEN. Fussy baby, JOHN. Fussy waney wussy BOTH: (Fond)y.) Fussy wussy wusiy baby. Fussy wussy wussy baby. (Light dim.) 2 ACT IT Seine 1 A park bch, Thre waren in park playground. The sounds of ‘hilden playing. On the bench re: Helen, the mother from he revious scenes; she is loking stright ahead, smoking @ cia te and ses unhappy, hostile. Nest to her, end presently ‘ot paying atenton ta her, are Angel, se, drably dressed vwvinan (con be layed by rame ates who played Conta fit par, though ty to make her plain) and Kate, 0 right, ‘sharptongued woman with a scarf ted around her head (she can be played by same actress who played Nanny, but ty to take he look natiealy different), Angla end Kate ae looking straight ox, watching thir children, cho are Placed (n her ‘and our imaginations) oun the aonce, Kate is kiting. KATE. Be careful, Billy ANGELA. That's your son? KATE. Yes, Billy. He has my eyes and mouth, and his father's ANGELA. (Looking, squinting.) Yes, Tcan see that. Of course, Te never seen your husbands nose, but he does have your mouth and eyes. KATE, Don' hang upside doven, Billy! You'll crack your head ‘open. (To Angela.) He's reckless, jut like his uncle Fred, ANGELA. Oh. Is that his favorite uncle? KATE. No, Hes never met Fred. Fred is dead. Is that your lie tle ginl? ANGELA. Yes, Susie. Watch your head, Susie! Its such a full time job looking after children KATE, Yer itis. Susie's a prety child. (Serer at Angela; suspi- cious.) Ts her father very handsome? ANGELA. Yes. His whole family is very nice looking. KATE. Oh that’s nice. Nobody in our family is particularly geod looking. Except for Fred, sort of, though youd never ‘know it from the way he ended wp, all squashed that way, ANGELA. How did he die? KATE. Part of the roller skating craze, He didn't know hove, and he skated right under a erosstown bus, (Calls ou.) Be care. 25ful, Billy! (Back tconzesation.) I don't think there's such a thing asa homely child, do you? Tmean Billy may well grow up to be quite homely, but right now he's really very cute. And your laughter is downright prety ANGELA. Thank you. (Call) Be eareful of your face, Susie Don’ fall down on i HELEN. I have a child (00, you know. KATE, What? HELEN, No one has asked me about my child. KATE. Well no one was talking t0 you. HELEN, Well fm a human being. I deserve courtesy KATE. Where it your child? HELEN. That's her lying on the ground. (Calls) Get up, Daisy! Stop acting like a lump, KATE. What's the matter with her? HELEN. She's very depressed, She falls asleep all the time. ‘You put ir in the bathtub, she falls asleep. You put heron the toilet, she falls asleep. She’ a depressing child, Get up, Daisy! Maybe one of the boys would poke her for me. ANGELA. Maybe she liss narcolepsy. HELEN. You get chat from a venereal disease, don't you? You're trying to say something nasty about me, aren't you? ANGELA. Narcolepsy is a disease. Where people fall asleep. You should cake your daughter t0 a doctor. HELEN, All diseases are psychological. Tim not going to waste money on some dumb doctor who cant do anything about any thing. She sleeps because she doesa't want to be awake. She has ‘0 “joie de vivre.” GET UP, DAISY! Hey, you, boy, the one With the sick . .. can you get my daughter up? KATE, (Siaring; fer abit) Billy, clon’ put the stick there, that's nasty ANGELA. Why isn't she moving? HELEN. She's willl. GET UP YOU LUMP OF CLAY! (To finn.) Tug her hair a lite KATE, Billy leave the lite gie alone and go play on the jungle 1. (To Heer.) I don't want you encouraging my son to pick fon women. That's not a very good thing to teach. ANGELA. She still hast moved. Maybe she's fainted. HELEN. She just does this to anagy me. It's very succesful (Calt.) YOURE VERY SUCCESSFUL, DAISY. YOURE. 26 GETTING THROUGH. (ack to them.) Its passive aggres: sion. f do it with my husband. He says to me, did you make dinner, Lle down on the rug and don't move. Hie says, get up, I don’t move a muscle, He gets on top of me and starts to sctew: ‘me, I pretend it isn't happening. She gets it from me. (Yell) DO AS I SAY NOT AS TDO, DAISY, FVE TOLD YOU THAT! KATE. That’s no way to bring up a child HELEN. What do you know? Do you want a fat lip? Don’t cross me, I could do something terrible to your child, KATE, What did you say? HELEN, (Suddenly coy nd girish.) Oh nothing. My bark’s worse shan my bite. (Calls vicious.) Get up, Daisy (Sings, 0 Daiy, rather suet.) Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer, do, Tim half crazy, Al for the love of you (Fost, to Kate @ Angela.) Sing. (They hesitate.) SING! ALL THREE. (Kate @ Angela, uncomfortable) 1c won't be a stylish marriage, Tcantt afford a carriage, But youTl look sweet HELEN. (Eeting.) Sweet Upon the seat HELEN. Seat Of bicycle built for two, HELEN. Did the move? ANGELA. I think her arm twitched a ftde HELEN. Oh, Thee she heard it. She loves that song. Don't you, Daisy? Weil, Thave to go home now. (Sweet. ) Goodbye. (Calls ‘ut © Dain} Get up, Daisy, were going home, mother carvt wand the park another minute. Get up! (Gelting wild) Get up, darn you, get up! All right, Daisy, Il give you til five and thes {'m gonna step on your back, You listening? 1.2.3 ANGELA. Get up, Daisy. HELEN. 4.014%... 434... Ob, look, there she goes. KATE, My God, she's running fat (he tr ther heads in som quicly, watching Daisy ren eu of sight) HELEN, She's like that. Very inconsistent. One minute eata- lonie, the next minute she mooes lke a comet ANGELA. My God, she's running right toward that bus!HELEN, Yes, she's always been drawn to buses. She's always ‘running right out in front of them. Usually te driver stops in KATE, My God, its going to hit hee! HELEN. Well itll probably be fine. (ale @ Angela watch hri= fie, then thre shriek of rakes, and te ras, bared bu relieved.) KATE. Thank God ANGELA. It came so close. HELEN. This happens all the ime. I get quite used to it (Sud- leaky saitches 10 real maternal flings, gs oe) vps.) Oh my God, Daisy. Oh my God, she was almost killed. Oh God. Oh God (Weps.) Daisy, Par coming, darling, don’t move, honey, monmy’s coming. (Runt off, ey ups) KATE. Good grief, ANGELA. Well, at least the chil’ safe KATE. Do you think we should da something? ANGELA, What do you mean? KATE. I don't know. Contact social welfare or something, ANGELA. I don't know. Maybe it not her child. Maybe she's nly babyritting. KATE, T don’ think so. ANGELA. I don't think we should get involved, KATE, Alright, we won't do anything about her. Well wait un- til we read about the child dead in the newspaper, ANGELA, I read about that child they found dismembered in the garbage cans outside the 21 Club, CBS is going to make a TV movie about it KATE. I don't think television should exploit the sullerings of real people like that, ANGELA. But they've got all those hours of programming to do. They've goe to liv up with something, KATE. I suppose ANGELA. I woulda’ like to be a television executive. You'd have to have ideas all the time, and then after a while if people ton’ like your ideas, they fre you ‘SATE, This i really off the point of what we should do about that poor child ANGELA. I don't like to think about it. KATE, Well, that wort help the child 8 ANGELA. I don like to concentrate on one thing for to0 long, 4 period of time. It makes my brain hurt. KATE. I don't think either the mother othe child are mentally wel ANGELA. No, they're probably not, but who is nowadays? verything’s so outside our control. ‘Chemical explosions in Blizabeth, New Jersey. Somebody killed Karen Silkwood. There are all these maniacs stalking Dolly Parton, the poor woman doesn't fel like singing anymore, John Hinkley, David Berkowitz, Ronald Reagan. Tes ao difficult to maintain Soie de vivee” in the face of such universal discouragement. (Looks glam for a moment.) Thave to take a mood elevator. (Takes « pill) 1 have this pharmacist friend, he gives me all sorts of things. I should be cheerful in a few minutes. (Wait for pul to take jee.) KATE. (Edging away.) Well, fine. Well do nothing then, Fil look forward to the CBS movie about the child under the bus. (Calt.) Come on, Billy, we're going home. Billy! Don't put the stick there, thats rude. Leave Susie alone. (Shoctd.) Billy! Don't put that there either, that's er rude. Now put that back. (To Angela.) Ten sorry. He's just that age now. ANGELA. Oh that's all right. He probably meant it aflection- ately. Talways think sex and affection are somehow connected, dont you? KATE, Well, no, not really ANGELA. Oh, I do. People need affection, you know. Susie, ‘ome give mommy a hug. (Lights dim.) Sorne 2 ‘Back in the hame of Hllon and John. The oom, though, is file with many tos, some of ths broken, There is aoa pile ‘of what seems tobe laundry in cea audince view, Two ile legs with rd sneakers are partially visible, sticking ut of the lana pile. John and Hllen are talking. JOHN. Well, Ym very upset. That’ all [can say. HELEN. I know. You've said that, you've said that, Get on with i.JOHN. 1 mean, I jot don’ thnk we're good parents THELEN, Why do you sy that? Did the bus ran over Ue cild? No. Dida bus run over her las weck? No JOHN. Why docs she keep running to buses? Whats the mate ter with her? HELEN. Nothing sche matter with her, She's jut depresed We have to cheer her up. (Chott ie lund, ypc) hier up, Dey! Youre depressing un. JOHN: And why des she ein this pile of laundry al the time? Do you think thats normal? HELEN. Daiay is jum going through a phase. She thinks shes an inanimate objec. She thinks shes baked potato Decae oF that you said to her when she was a baby. (Fo ple lan) You're not a baked poate, swect pea, Youre tommy Hale darting, Mominy loves you. Mommy does mind that she's ‘0a novelist or that sh stayed in a bad mariage fs for your ‘ke, She's wing to make that scree (Stas a lund.) Uh, you se ovr unresponsive she is fs enough to make you want {o shake and bake her, JOHN: Helen, we cat alk abour the child that way. Did you hear what you jut sid? HELEN. Twas making a point, John. Ym not aking about ac- tualy cookin her. You have no sense of irony. (To Day.) Were ‘04 going o eat you, Day. Mommy was speaking figura JOHN. Speaking of shake and bake have you mace ser yet) HELEN. Have t made din yet (Vay nly, wer fre) Well, now, let me se. I cant remember. You were st nen cytent, and then Iwas atthe playground, and then Daisy Site rin ln tented Sarena t ema ae aly but ast dinner. Tm going to have tole down and tank (Steer dono the ior and won meee) JOHN. Helen, dnt do thie agin You know it makes me fi ous, Helen, sop staring athe celing. Hela! HELEN (Say, fas quik fi.) GODDAM TT (Taleo of Duty te, sass) {Wve smashed one of Daisy’ toys, Helen, do you want me to smash another one? Helen, get up! Look at mc All ight, Helen, tm going to smash another one of he toys - (Hos Asef) Good Gi, inten to me, Whats happened (ows Hien, svete ruining tht poor eld. Tm going to take her and lenve 30 yim. We've got to get away from you. (Goes to pile of lend.) Get up, Daisy, Daddy loves you. Daisy, get up. (Sings suet) Daisy, Daisy... GODDAM IT, GET UP! (Stars tte laundly said Diy into a manageable bundle.) Okay, Daisy, Il just have to ‘wry you, Helen, Ti taking Daisy and the laundry and were leaving you. (Stings laundry aur his shoulder) | don't know where wire going, but we've got t get away. Helen, can you hear tne? Helen, we're leaving you. Goodbye HELEN. (Sits 9p.) And youll never gee any of the paperback Wights! (Lies down again.) JOHN. There aren't any paperback rights, Helen! You live in a ls paradise. We're leaving now. (Sats o lee.) I don know where we're going, but were going somewhere. (Sepe) T just tneel a drink frst, though. Where's the vodka, Helen? Helen? (Puts laundry doen.) Daisy, do you know where the vodka is? Unisy? Helen? Daisy? Helen? GODDAM IT, TM TALKING 10 YOU PEOPLE, ARE YOU DEAF? (Sitson floor.) Oh God, hhow did 1 get in thi position? Where is the vodka? MILLEN. (Sit up.) 1s in the toy duck, (Dees speach exercise.) Toy stuck, toy duck, toy duck. (Lier down again) JOHN, Ob right. Thank you. (Goer to ty duck, reaches into i ‘ake ou bottle of coda.) Why can't we have a liquor cabunet like normal people? (Tales a big couple of swallows frm the vod) Want some, Helen? (‘No naponie,) Daisy? Daisy? (Biter) Shes lua a baked potato, she's a 20 per cent cotton, 80 per cent poy ctr pile of... (Ata fas.) pooka-poo. HELEN. (Sits up.) Pooka-poo, pooks-poo. Toy duck. Toy tock, Polly wolly windbag! Polly wolly windbag! Mee, mac, Ih, mob, moo. Mee, mac, mah, mol, moo. JOHN, Ob, Helen, you're talking again, Pm sorry I asked you ‘about dinner, Want a cocktail? ELEN, ‘Thanks T'm too tired. Zses dawn.) JOHIN. (Sings) Dnisy, daisy, give me your answer, do ‘Net tng.) lush litle baby, don't you ery, Mzoma’s gonna give you a big black eye HELEN. (Lying down, but calm.) John, those aren't the lyrics, JOHN. I know. I just don't know the lysis. (Sings) 31An if that bg bla eye tars purple Manats gonna give you a (Shot) What cymes with pple? HIBLEN. (Str) {dont kaow. Tn ota thyming dictionary. Ask Daly JOHN. Daisy, honey, what syns with purple? Dis? Dany, what symes with purple? Day? (Ltn, afforlhasan o ‘er She says she deca’ know HELEN: (Siphy lope) Wells least she spoke today. Ths nating JOHN. (Chere Yes, that is smethng, (Drinks Ligh fade) Scxse 3 A desk and char, The Principal is sete. Sh is dresed hand: sume, but looks somewhat severe PRINCIPAL. (To itacom.) You can send Miss Pringle in now, Henry. (Enter Miss Pringle, « sympathete-looking teacher.) 1 love having a male aeretary. It makes it all worth while. (7x inter ‘om. Sharpen all the pencils please, Henry. Then check the cof {ee pot. Hello, Miss Pringle, how are you? MISS PRINGLE. I'm fine, Mrs. Willoughby, but I wanted to talk to you about Daisy Ding PRINCIPAL. Oh yes, that peculiar child who's doing so well ‘on the track team, MISS PRINGLE, Yes, she runs very quickly, but I felt 1 should PRINCIPAL. Wait a moment, would you? (Into intercom.) Oh Henry, check ifwe have enough nondairy ereamer forthe cof fee, would you? Then T want you to go out and buy my bus: band a birthday present for me, I don't have time, Thank you, sweetie, (Beck 0 Pringle) Now, Fim sorry, what were you saying? MISS PRINGLE. Well, Im worried about Daisy. She's doing very wel in track, and some days she docs well in her ca and then some days she just stares, and then she's absent a lot PRINCIPAL, Yes. Uh buh. Uh huh. Yes, Tee. Uh buh, Ub huh, Go on: 2 MISS PRINGLE. Well, is her summer essay, you know “What I Did Last Summer"? PRINGIPAL. (With great interest.) What did you do? MISS PRINGLE. No, no, no, its the lpic of the essay: what you did Iast sumer, PRINCIPAL. Mr. Willoughby and I went to the New Jersey sea shore. He was brought up there. It brings back fond taemey Fies of his childhood. Bouncing on his mother's knee. Being ‘hugged, being kissed. Mmmm. Mmmm. (Atay bering sounds, igs herself nt intercom.) Henty, sweetie, T want you te buy my husband underwear. Pink. The bikini kind, Calvig Klein, or something like that. Or you could use your“Ah Mea” catalog if it wouldn't take too long. Mr. Willoughby is a tme- dium. ‘Thank you, Henry. (To Pringle) Tm sorty, what were you saying? ‘MISS PRINGLE. About Daisy's essay PRINCIPAL. What about it? MISS PRINGLE. Well PRINCIPAL, Wait a moment, would you? (To intacom.) Henry, Tmean Mr. Willoughby is a medium size, [don't mean he holds Seances. (Laugh; to Pringle.) [didn't want there to be any misune derstanding. I don't think there was, but justin case T myselh fam into black magic. (Tales out @’Black andl. To intrcom.) Henry, T have taken out a black candle and I am thinking of you. (Zo Pring.) Do you have a match? MISS PRINGLE. No, I'm sorry. About Daisy’ essay. PRINCIPAL, Tm all cars, MISS PRINGLE, Wall PRINCIPAL. Which is a figure of speech, As you ean indeed see, Lam a great deal more than just ers. [have'a head, a necks a trunk, a lower body, legs and feet. (To intecom.) Thave lege land fect, Henry. I hope you're working quickly, MISS PRINGLE, Pay attention to me! Focus your mind on what Im saying! { do not have all day PRINCIPAL. Yes, Im sorry, Iwill. You're right. Oh, Tadmie Strong women. I've always been afraid I might actually be all bian, but I've never had any opportunity to experiment with that side of myself. You're not interested, are you? Youre single. Pethaps you are lesbian, 33MISS PRINGLE, Tm not a lesbian, thank you, anyway. PRINCIPAL. Neither am I. Tjust thought maybe Twas. (Jat intorom.) Henty, you don’ think I'm a lesbian, do you? (Listes) ‘The intercom only works one way, it necds (o be repaired. OF ‘course, Henry's a mute anyway MISS PRINGLE. Mrs. Willoughby, please, put your hand over your mouth for a moment and don't say snything PRINCIPAL. I'm all ears. (Puts her hand ovr fer ricth ) MISS PRINGLE. Good, thank you. I was disturbed by Daisy’ cessy. I want you to listen to it, "What I Did For My Summer Vacation.” By Daisy Dingleberry. ‘Dark, dank rags. Wet, fetid towels. A large German shepherd, its innards splashed across the windshield of a car, Is this a memory? Is it a dream? T am trapped, Tam trapped, how to escape. Lay to kill ayself, but the buses always stop. Old people and children get discounts on ‘buses, but still no one will ever kill me, How did I even learn to speak, its amazing. Lam a baked potato, Lama summer squash, Tam a vegetable. I am an inanimate object wh from time t0 time can run very quickly, but lam not realy alive, Help, help, help. Tam drowning, Tam drowning, my lungs il with the summer ocean, but sll 'do not de, this awful life goes on and fon, can no one rescue me." (Miss Pringle and Principal stare atone ‘another.) What do you think T should do? PRINCIPAL. Td give her an A. I think its very good. The style is good, it rambles a bit, but its unexpected. Is sort of an intriguing combination of Donald Barthelme and Sesame Street. All that “T am a baked potato” stuf. I liked it MISS PRINGLE. Yes, but dont you think the child needs help? PRINCIPAL. Well, a good editor would give her some point- rs, granted, but I think she’ a long way from publishing yet. 1 feel she should stay in school, keep working on her essays, the fchool wack team needs her, there’ no one who runs as fast. I think this is all premature, Miss Pringle, MISS PRINGLE. [feel she should see the school psychologist. PRINCIPAL. I am the school psychologist. MISS PRINGLE. What happened to Mr. Byers? PRINCIPAL. I fired him. I thought a woman would be better suited for the job. MISS PRINGLE. Bue do you have a degree in psychology? PRINCIPAL. Iimagine Ido. I can have Henry check if you in- 3 sist, Are you sue youre not lesbian? I think youre to force fal is unfeminine. And T think you'ce picking on this poor chi. She shows signs of promising creativity, and fst You ry ‘force her into premature pabithing, and how you want (0 fend her to some awfal headshrinker whol ob her ofall her éreaivity i the name of some awl God of normalcy. Well Mise Pringle, heres what hae to say to you: Fw oot kt Jou rob Dairy Dingleberry of her creativity, she will nt see oye hoiogit as long a8 she isin this schol, nd you ae hereby fre fom your portion a teacher in thi school Good day! (79 intcom) Henry, come remove Miss Pringle bodily from my of fee, swectiey would you? MISS PRINGLE, No ned todo tha. I cans myseout, Let ‘me just say that F think you are naan, and Tan sory you are ‘na positon of power. PRINCIPAL: Yes, but Iam in posion of power! (To inter com) Arete T, Henry? Now get oof here belove [stant to be ‘ome viokent MISS PRINGLE. {am sorry you wll ot et me help this cid PRINCIPAL. Help this cid! She may be the next Virgin Woot, the neat Syvia Plath, MISS PRINGLE. Dead you mean PRINCIPAL. (Soran) Who care if shes dead as ong as she publishes? Now, get out of here! (Blackout) Scene + A blank stage, a simple white spot. From a louepeater atthe back ofthe auditorium owe hear a male voice serious, sympa ‘hate na detached, business-like manter. VOICE, Come in please, (Enter a young man ina simple, modest ‘hess. His haircut, shoes and secs, though, are traditionally masculine “He looks out to the bak ofthe audio to whee the vice ie originaing rom. The sung man sens hy, poli, iatie) Sate your name lea. YOUNG MAN. Daisy VOICE. How oid are you? DAISY. Tim seventeen 35VOICE. 1 wish T had gotten your case earlier. Why are you wearing a dress? DAISY. Ob, Tim sorry, am I? (Looks, it embarassed.) I didn't realize. Tknow I'm a boy... young man. It's just { was 40 used to wearing dresses for so long that some mornings | wake up and I just forges. (Thoughyfuly, somewhat to himself) T should really just clear ail the dresies out of my closet. VOICE. Why did you used to wear dresses? DAISY. Well that’s how my pavents dressed me. They said they didn't know what sex I was, but it had to be one of two, so they made a guess, and they just guested wronee VOICE. Are your genitals in any way misleading? DAISY. No, I don't believe so. I don’t think my parents ever really looked. They didn't want to intrude. It was a kind of politeness on their part. My mother is sore of delicate, and may father rests a lot. VOICE. Did you think they acted out of politeness? DAISY. Wel, probably. Teall gor straightened out eventually When I was eleven, I came across this medical book that had pictures init, and I realized Tooked more like a boy than a gt, bur my mother had always wanted a girl or a bes seller, and { didn't want o disappoint her. But then somedays, I don't know ‘what gets into me, T woul just fel like striking out at them. So Fd wait il she was having one of her erying fits, and I took the book to her—I was twelve now—and I said, “Have you ever seen this book? Are you totally intane? Why have you named ‘me Daisy? Everyone else has always said Iwas a boy, what’ the ‘matter with you?" And she kept erying and she said something bout Judith Krantz and something about being out of Shake: ‘n-Bake chicken, and then she said, I want to die", and then she said, Perhaps you're a boy, but we don't want to jump to any hhasty conclusions, so why'don’ we just wait, and weld see if 1 ‘menstruated or not, And I asked her what that word meant, and she slapped me and washed my mouth out with soap. Then she apologized and hugged me, and said she was a bad mother ‘Then she washed Aer mouth out with soap. ‘Then she ted me to the kitchen table and tured on all the gas jets, and sad it would be just a litle while longer forthe both of us. ‘Then my father ‘caine home and he turned off the gas jets and untied me. Then ‘when he asked if dinner was ready, she lay on the kitchen oor 36 and wouldnt move, and he sd, guess not and hen he sort of Grouched nex tothe retigerator asd ied 6 read stock eed lon think he was realy reading, because he eves tose of the pages. And then eventual, since nothing cee weed be happening, I jst went to bed’ (Fay og hes VOICE. How did you feel about this? dol!) DAISY. Well I knew something was wrong with them, But then they meant well and ft tat somewhere ell a at tally cred for meal al she washed hr moaah oak se too, and fe untied me. And 0 1 forgave thers boone ey meant well. ed o understand tent T ft sony en dee ‘onidered wide VOICE, ‘Thats the cod ofthe fist seston. (Lig change Siew of the eur, Day ones hs gi cating ed cage ine mvt deling~ pants ond «shi, mapa waar As canes ne fea "sh te aly" heme lee rahe quay, somerpeg Isic hx Te change shuld eas fat onde since posh Le ane wp and fos on Dey ait) This is your sod eae How old are your DAISY. Fs aineteen nove VOICE. Why have you waited two years between your Best and second sesons? And you nve called cancel dens he been waiting here for two yeare DAISY. sorry. T should have called, Iwas just too depresed {0 get hore, And Fin in college now, and Pve owed this pepe Jonathan Swit and “Galivers Travels for one ance etfrece {isp trying wie, bu I ju have tee peda ong i VOICE. In problems of this sor is best to hegin a the begin ning, follow through Yo the mide, and contin on eee cing DAISY. Ah, wel Ve ied tht, But dont sez to get {ar Tm ilo theft sentence, Jonathan Smif -Clves rave ra biting, biter work tad" Thesp geting oaks teeth 8: ‘keep getting stuck, VOICE, i see youre weaing men's clothing toy. DAISY: (With ase of decison) [crew all my deste away. ‘Al Tm going to change my nate from Day. Tmcorcaeeny Francs or Hilary or Maron VOICE: Any other names? 37DAISY, Rocky. VOICE, Have you sen your parents latey? DAISY. uy nat. They call me and ey cry and ooo, but ld the rciver away fom iy eat And en To ment the febigerstor and I crouch fr several dys VOICE. How are you doing in schools DAISY. Tm ot even sue mie I ot jt the Jonathan Swift paper owe. lowe a paper comparing a George Herber im with Shakespeare soe, {ome a paper on characters Eaton in “The Canterbury Tale and an ey om the Arete can character as seen in Henry Jared "Daisy Mier” (Desy ots off it te dita, nd ings) Dany, Day, Give tne your anewer, do, Tm halcery (Pek re, sad, pet the ine) rn tatbctny (Hi sans ras, be peas du) “Tu halk of shadowy said the Lady of Shalt.” VOICE. You sound ke wa Engh major DAISY. (i teton rt ote se) Wes earned certain love af iteratare rom my parent: My mater ba wren She isthe author of the Chil Nowe to Scrupler” and "Princes Daisy.” And my father ke reading. Wht he was next othe religeraor, he would often read like reading. { have this cere dream, ough, sometimes that Tima baby ny erp and Somebody i reading sud ome fom what ak s-Mfomme Dearest" and then this rest bigdog leepysnaring at me, and then this enormous trick or bus or something drops down from thesky, and thls me. (Wik heloing, also dpe teu ht not da.) Te saya wae, VOICE. Thats the end of our wecond seston. (The igs cage ehrpty. Frm so om ta aba thangs pela ene ‘poh delighting at cherie eon change cal tec ine pang and finding Dey te mito th eons, Te ‘hod na be hot ond togh Day sud speck only once te tighing sith cpl, ha thangs tel apn qty) DAISY. Doctor, Tn so depresed I can hardy talk on the phone. If ike fcan ony function two hous day a¢ man trum, T ave this enormous deste fel aecaely nothing 3a VOICE. ‘Tats the en of our third seson. (Light chage cont) DAIS? vou know, when ge pales wth rope ober sively em alway checking people ton he ae tec fan slept VOICE Brenly you get alot of venereal dice, DAISY. Ino, Invent ave sus that dunng the ex, thee’ awaye 10 or 20 seconds daring whi forget he fs nd wee em. And thats hy Im a obeive Bae le tous to spend hours an ours eng sex jus aly hones find hoe 10 or 2 seconds so tng Tea wonder never ge tht paper oa “Givers revel do. VOICE: Gh, you sl ver done that pape? DAISY, No. Tv been a csman for five eas now. never ‘going to graduate, At registration every Fall, people just laugh ‘VOICE, That’ the end of our 33rd session. See you Tuesday. (Lights change) DAISY. (Znaensd.) L mean it's the inconsisteny [hate them most for! One minute they'e cooing and cuddling and feeding me Nyquil, and the next minute chey’e turning on the gas jets, OF Iying on the flor, or threatening te step on my back: How dare they treat me like that? What's the matter with them! I didn't ask to be brought into the world. If they didn't know how to raise a chil, they should have gotten adog; ora kitten they've ‘more independent—or a geil! But left tne wnborn VOICE. That's the end of our 215th session, (Lights change.) DAISY. I passed this couple on the street yesterday, and they ‘had this four year old walking between them, and the two par. cents were fighting and you could jut tall that they were insane. ‘And T wanted to snatch that child from them and VOICE. And what? DAISY. I don't know. Hurl it in front of a car, I guess. Te was too late 1o save it. But at least it would be dead YOIGE. That’ the end of our 377th session. (Lights change) DAISY. (Wor out by years of talking.) Look, | suppose my par cents arent actually evil, and maybe my plan of hiring ait per son (0 kill them is going too far. ‘They're not evil, they just disturbed. And they mean well. Bu meaning well isnot rough VOICE, Hows your “Gulliver's Travels" paper going? 39DAISY, I'm too depressed. VOICE. Tm afraid Tm going to be on vacation next week, DAISY. (Unwilling to deus thi) To not happy with tay pres VOICE. Il just be gone a week. DAISY. 1 wore a dress last week VOICE. I won't be gone that long DAISY: And ey wih thirty people VOICE. I hope you enjoyed it. DAISY. And'T can't be responsible for what I might do next week, VOICE. Please, please, I need a vacation DAISY. All right, all right, take your stupid vacation, I just hope it rains. VOICE. You're uying to manipulate me. DAISY. Yes, but T mean wel. (Light change. Vay dark, a sexy ‘pessimistic ange.) Doctor. Ive been in therapy with you for tox years now. Thave been a college freshman for six years, and a college sophomore for four years. The National Defense loan I hhave taken to pay for this idiotic education wil take mea iftime to repay. (His oie sounds los.) T don't know. I just fel sort of, well, stuck, VOICE. Yes? DAISY. Oh. And I had another memory Fd forgotten, some- thing else my parents did to me. Tt wae during that period T stayed in the laundry pile VOICE. (His vice betraying a tiny ouch of having had enough.) Yes? DAISY. My mother had promised me I could have ice cream if would just stand up for ten minutes and not lie in the laundry, and thea when T did stand up for ten minutes, t turned out she hhad forgotten she was defrosting the reftgerator and the ice cream was all melted. (Sigh.) I mean, it wae 30 typical of her. (Suddanly starts to get hated wp.) She had a college education. Who could forget they were defrosting the refrigerator??? I mean, don't you ost hate her? VOICE. How old are you? DAISY. Twenty-seven, VOICE. Don't you think is about time you let goof all DAISY. What? , VOICE. Don't you think you should move on with your lif 40 2 ex your parents were impossible, but that’ already happened. Is time to move on. Why don't you do your damn “Gulliver's Travel” paper? Why don't you decide on & name? My secretary has writer’ cramp from changing your records from Rocky to Batch to Cain to Abel to Tootsie to Raincloud to Plivabeik the First to Hlizabeth the Second to PONCHITTA PEARCE TO MARY BAKER EDDY! I mean, we know you hed a rough art, but PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! Youre snae You have resources, you can't blame them forever. MOVE ON. WITH IT (Day has listened othe aboce embarrased and unconsore able nt certain how to respond. Then) DAISY. FUCK YOU! (Blackout) Scxne 5 ‘The home of Jon and Hele. A big box with «bow omit; on ‘sp of it smaller box with a bow oni. A lenge baer thet 298 “Hoply Birthday, Ponchta.” Join has two bates of vodka, Hon is using a Vicks inhaled, HELEN. (Ishin) Meme Lov this roma, I almom takes me with Thad a eal. (label) Minnie cdnee by there ae pleasurable things nie, (Cal fg ag, dear, are you slmost ready? We want tse how se ose Your present JOHN though his nae was Ponts, (anual: Po: ch) HELEN, John, we've been ting you all day, he cle hima Ponchit ony for the month of March sever vecegy Ted been cling himself Charles Kurat forte ae seer ye anit ov that he earned hiya agit tome, heeteehs 0 back tothe name of Daly. (Cli } Dany! Wee aoe he you. JOHN. I wish someone wouldve told me. I wouldve changed the banner. HELEN. The banner’ a lovely gesture, John. We all apprec- ate it. No one gives a fuck what's on it. im sorry, Edon' mean to swear. Noone gives a shit what’son it, Daity, deat! Mommy and Daddy want to see you in your presen. (Esler Daisy, ering a