A Flea in Her Ear A Farce Georges Feydeau Translated by John Mortimer Samuel French - London New York - Toronto - HollywoodA FLEA IN HER EAR Presented by The National Theatre at The Old Vic on 8 February 1966, with the following cast of characters: (in order of their appearance) Camiue CHanpenise Edward Hardwicke AnToInetTe PuvcHEUX Sheila Reid Emrenve Puveneux Robert Lang Dr FINACHE Kenneth Mackintosh Lucrenne Homentes be Histancua Anne Godley RayMonpe CHANDEBISE Geraldine McEwan Victor EMMANUEL CHANDEBISE Albert Finney Romain TourNer John Stride Car.os Homenines Dz Hisrancua ‘ Frank Wylie Evoénte Petronella Barker AuusTIN FERAILLON Michael Turner Ouyare Margo Cunningham Bapristin Keith Marsh Herr Scuwarz Peter Cellier Pocue Albert Finney Guests at Tae Horer Cog v’Or Janie Booth, Maggie Riley, David Hargreaves, Christopher Timothy Lewis Jones The Play directed by Jacques Charon Designed by Anpré Levasseur SYNOPSIS OF SCENES ACT I The drawing-room of the Chandebises’ house in the Boulevard Malesherbes, Paris ACT IL The Hotel Coq d’Or in Montretout ACT IL ‘The Chandebises’ drawing-room Time—the early 19008ACT I Scene—The drawing-room of the Chandebises’ house in the Boulevard ‘Malesherbes. Afternoon. “French windows ® open on to a balcony. The main entrance is up c, and consists of double doors leading to a hallway and corridors to 8 and L» There are doors to inner rooms up RC, up LC and down t.. There are doors to inner rooms up RC, up Lc and down L. The fireplace is up 1. When the Contain rises, CAMILLE is discovered standing by the filing cabinet up uc. His cleft palate makes his speech almost impossible to understand. ANTOINETTE enters up RC, moves to Camille, taps his shoulder, and kisses him. CaMiLe (moving down stage) Hare foo. Please, please be carefult Antoinette, Calm down. The family’s out. Camite. Hoh, yes... AnToINerte. Come on. Give us a kiss. Well, wake up! (Voices are heard off up c. CAMILLE exits up L. ANTOINETTE moves to the door up R. ETIENNE enters up C, ushering in FINACHE) Emenne. Come along in, Doctor. (FINAGHE enlers up ©, moves to the table L and puts his hat, stick and _gloves on the tavle) (To Antoinette) What're you up to? AnToinertEe. Me? Emenne. You! Anroette. I came... EriennE. Go on. Antoierre. To ask about dinner. Eriunne, When the family’s out! Back to your hot stove and bend over it! We don’t have cooks in the drawing-room. AnrowetTe. But... Erienne. Out! (ANTOINETTE exits up C, closing the doors) Finacue, The Lord and Master. Enenne (crossing down x) That's the way to treat them. If you're not in charge of them they're in charge of you. And I’m not having that! Finacue. Excellent! Entenne, You know, Doctor. That little wife of mine's as faithful as a poodle, but as jealous as a tiger. She comes in here to spy on me! She's got some strange idea—about me and the housemaid . . . Finacue. How very strange . . . EmEnne (moving c) Me? A housemaid? Really.2 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act I Finacue. Ridiculous! (Moving c) If your master’s not at home . . Enienne. Don’t worry. P've got time to kill—T'll keep you com- any. Pafnacue, I don’t want to impose .. Emtenne. On my good nature? Finacne. Certainly. Enrenne. ‘Think nothing of it. Finacne (bows ironically) When will he be back? Emenne, Quarter of an hour—at least. Finacue (picking up his hat and stick) Oh, in that case... However delightful your conversation— Entenne. Too kind . . . Finacue, —pleasure isn’t everything. I've got a patient to see. Must finish him off, Emienne. Oh... Finacue, What? Oh, no—thank you very much. I’m cutting my visit short, not my patient’s life, Back in a quarter of an hour . . . (He moves up c) Emtenne (moving up c) I must let you go. Finacue. It’s so hard to tear myself away. (Handing Etienne a certifi- cate) If your master comes back before I do, give him this. Tell him Texamined the customer he sent me, and he’s in first rate condition. Enienne. Oh, yes. Fivacue. Not that you care. Emienne, No. (He moves to the table 1. and puts the certificate on it) Finacue (moving down c) Nor do I. But since your master’s the managing director of the Boston Life Insurance Company for Paris and the provinces . . . : Enrenne, The governor . . . Fivacue. The governor, if you prefer the word, should know that his Spanish insurance risk is At. What's he call himself—Don Carlos Homenides de Histangua? Emenne, His wife’s here now! She’s waiting next door for madame. FinacHe. Amazingly small world! I examine the husband this morning—and now the wife’s next door. Errenne. And they both had dinner here—yesterday! Finacue. Unbelievable! Erienne (sitting t of the table) Doctor. Seeing you're here . . . Finacue. You don’t stand on ceremony, do you? Ertenne. Me? Oh, no. I’m very easy-going. I want to talk to you; because I was having a word the other day with my good lady . Fivache. Madame Chandebise. Emrenne. Not the mistress, my good lady. Fivacue. Your wife? Emienne. Yes. Now when you've got this hammering inside you —do pull up a chair... Fivacue. Thanks. (He sits x of the table) Ertenne. Night and day. Both sides of the abdomen. Remorse- less.Act I A FLEA IN HER EAR 3 Finacue (putting fis hat on the table) Now that's a condition we often find... Erienne. Yes? Fivacne. With some gynaecological troubles. Ertenne. I see, Finacue. Probably the ovaries. Enenne. That’s what I’ve got? Finacue. We'll have to have them out! Emenne. Careful now. (Rising and moving up c) If I’ve got them I’m keeping them. Finacue (also getting up) I won’t insist—on having them, Not for the moment. (He moves down L) (Lucrenne enters up R and moves up Cc) Luctenne. Look here, excuse me, You're sure Madame Chand- bise’ll be back? Erienne. She said to me, she said, “If Madame—well, anyway... whatever your name is. Lucienne, Homenides de Histangua. Ertenne, That's right. She told me, “Don’t let her go. P've got to see her.” Luctenne. That's what she said in her letter. I can’t understand it. PIL wait a little longer. (She moves above the sofa) Enienne. That's perfectly all right. I was just passing the time of day with the doctor. Finacue, He’s delightful company. Emrenne. That’s true. You know Dr Finache? FiNAcHE, Madame. Ertenne. Chief Medical Officer of the Boston Life. Lucrenne. Ah! (She moves down c) Etienne, ‘Tells me he saw your husband this very morning. Luctenng. What a coincidence! : Finacue (moving to Luciewe c) I had the honour of examining Don Carlos de Histangua. (Errenne moves down ) Lucienne. My husband had himselfexamined? What on earth for? Finacue. Insurance companies are ridiculously inquisitive. But I must congratulate you, What a husband you have, madame! What a constitution! What stamina! Luctenne (turning away R). Don’t I know it! Finacue. It’s very flattering. Lucienne. But exhausting! Finacue. You get nothing without working for it in this world. Emmyne. It’s what Madame Plucheux dreams about. Luctenne. Who on earth’s that? Emtenne. My wife. Too much for me, I can tell you, she needs a man like madame’s husband. Finacns. Then with madame’s permission and the Spanish gentleman's consent—the thing might be arranged!4 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr I Ertenne, God forbid! : Lucianne, Really, Doctor! Anyway, I couldn’t allow it either. Finacue. I'm sorry. (Picking ,up his hat from the table) It’s this ghastly butler, He makes me say the most idiotic things. Back in a Quarter of an hour, Charming to meet you... . (He moves up ©) ETIENNE (moving up c) It’s when I lean forward like this they get me. Finacue, What? Emtenne. ‘Those ovaries! Finacue. Oh, take three cascara tablets. That'll give them some- thing to think about. (Fivacue and Etenne exit up ¢) Lucrenne (moving to the window R) Seven minutes past one! (She picks up a magazine from the table x) This is what Raymonde calls counting the seconds till she sees me. Really! (She sits Ra) (Camae enters up i with a file and moves to the cabinet) Cami (putting the file in the cabinet) Ho—Hi—Hohiy. (Oh, I’m sorry) (He moves down c) Lucienne. What did you say? Camitte. Haham’s ha—ing hor he hea Hon Hon Hife Cumbee? (Madame’s waiting for the Head of the Boston Life Company?) Lucienne, I’m terribly sorry. . « Camitte, Haham’s ha—ing hor he hea Hon Hon Hife Cumhee? Luctenne (rising and backing R) I can’t understand a word you're saying. : ‘Camitte, He harsed H—Ham here Hee Hee Hirerector? (I asked if madame’s here to see the Director?) Lucienne (moving to Camille c) No. Me. Franzuski—Franchese. Me French. Casati, He Hoo! (Me too!) Lucienne (backing to the window) Are you looking for the butler? I mean I don’t belong here. I’m just waiting for Madame Chande- bise and... Came (backing to the door up t) Ho Horry. (So sorry) If madame’s waiting for the head of the Boston Life Company. Luctenne. Yes. Cammte, Ho horry, (So sorry) (Came exits up 1) Lvcienne. What a monster! (Erienne enters up c) Emienne, You're not bored? Lucirnne (moving up c) No, but would you kindly explain—there was a man here... Emienne. A man! Luctenne. Spoke the most extraordinary language, Ho Horry Ham...Act I A FLEA IN HER EAR 5 Enenve. It’s Camille! Luctenng. A foreigner? (Lucienne and Exienne move down ¢) Enenne. Not at all. The master’s nephew. Blood relative. I see your difficulty, He butchers the language. Kills off his consonants entirely, Luctenne. Good heavens! Erienne, It’s embarrassing, till you get used to it, I’m just starting to understand... Lucienne. He’s giving you lessons? Ertenne. In time—the ear grows accustomed. Luctenne (moving 1 below the table) I suppose it must. Errenne. The master’s taken him on as a secretary. Who else would employ him? Luciznne, A man with nothing but vowels to offer! Ertenne. It’s not enough! He gives you the consonants when he’s writing; but we can’t all communicate by letter! Such a serious, steady boy. Handicapped! (Moving uc) So far as anyone knows, madame, he’s never had a woman in his life! Lucienne. Really! Erienne (simply) Not so far as we know. Raymonbe (of) Antoinette, my husband’s not back yet—and have you seen Madame de Histangua? Emienne (moving up c) Madame’s here. (He opens the door) LUGIENNE (moving up c) At last! (RavMonpe enters up c and kisses Lucienne) Raywonpe. My poor darling—I’m sorry. (She moves to the stool up R) You can go, Etienne, Emienne. Yes, madame. Madame will excuse me . . . (Entenne exits up c) Lucienne, What's the matter? Raymonpe (taking off her hat) 've kept you waiting, (She puts her hat on the stool) Lucienne. Have you. Really! Rayon (moving above the table Lc and putting her bag on it) I had to go such a long way. I'll tell you all about it, Lucienne. I wrote and asked you to come because—a terrible thing’s happened. My husband’s unfaithful. Lvcienne. Victor Emmanuel? Raymonpe. Exactly! Victor Emmanuel! Luctenne. You take my breath away! RavwonDz (crossing doun R) T’ll expose him! LUCIENNE (moving down c) You mean you can prove it? Ravaonve. What? Oh, no. I can’t, Oh, but I will... Luctenne. What? Raymonpe. Prove it. Lucienne. How?6 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act I Raymonpe. I don’t know. But you're here . Lucrenne, Well? Raymonpe. You're going to prove it for me! Luctenne. Me? RayMonpE (moving cand taking Lucienne’s hand) Don't say “no”, Lucienne. We were bosom friends at the convent. Alll right, we've drifted apart over the years, but some things last! I left you Lucienne Vicard. Now I find you Lucienne Homenides de Histangua. The name’s longer, but the heart's still in the same place. I always think of you as my best friend. (She leads Lucienne R) Luctenne. Of course . . . (She sits in the chair Rc) RAyYMonpE (sitting R on the sofa) So I naturally come to you when T have an enormous favour to ask . . . Lucienne. Thank you very much! Raymonpe. So tell me what to do! Luerenne. How do you mean? Raymonpe. To expose my husband. Trap him. . . Luctenne. Is that why you dragged me here? RayMonbe. Well, of course. Luctenne. How do you know he’s trappable? He might be a model of virtue. Raymonpe. Him! Luctenne. You've got no proof. Raymonpe. Certain things, don’t deceive you . . . Luctenne. Including Victor Emmanuel? Raymonbe. What would you say if your husband, suddenly, after having been a husband—and what a husband!—suddenly stopped like that! Between one day and the next Lucienne. I’d say—phew! Raymonoe. Is that what you'd say? You'd say “phew"? That's what you would say. I was just like you. “This endless love! That perpetual spring. Boring! Tedious! Oh, for a little cloud! A few obstacles. I even thought about taking a lover just for the worry of it. Luctenne. You—a lover! Raymonpe. Certainly! You know, you get these moments. Oh, I'd even chosen him. Romain Tournel, to mention no names. He was here with you at dinner the other night. Didn’t you notice how he fancied ‘me? You astonish me. Well——we were on the very brink... Luctenne. Oh! Raymon (rising) He said, “As your husband’s my best friend 1 feel it's incumbent upon me to. .. Well, why shouldn’t I take a lover! Now my Victor Emmanuel’s deceiving me! (Ske moves . and puts her gloves on the table) Luctenne (getting up and moving a) Shall I tell you something? Raymonpe. What? Luctenne. You're secretly mad about your Victor Emmanuel. RayMonpe. Mad? Lucienne. If you're not—why all the fuss?Act I A FLEA IN HER EAR 7 RayMONDE (moving down L) Well, I may want to deceive him, but for him to deceive me! No! It’s going too far! Luctzwne. I like your sense of morality! Raymonpe, Aren't I totally justified? Lucimnne. Yes, yes. Only look. What you told me doesn’t prove anything! Yuvuonpe. What? When a husband’s been a raging torrent for years, and then suddenly—pfutt! Nothing. Not a trickle . «« ToiENNE (sitling R of the table tc) Spain’s full of dried-up rivers. But they’re still in the same old beds. . - Raymonne (facing front) Oh... Leanne, You know, it’s like those men in casinos, who try to impress everyone by risking millions and then one day—phfft!— they're reduced to ten francs. avwonpe. ‘Ten francs would be all right, but he doesn’t even play. All he does is walk round the table and watch, TocteNNE. All the better! It doesn’t mean he’s spending his money on someone else, He’s just bankrupt. RAyMONDE (moving above the fable) Ob, yes? What about that, then? (She takes a pair of braces from her bag) Lucrenne. What about it? Rayaonpe. A pair of braces. Lucrenne. T can see that. Raymonbe. And who do you think they belong to? Luctenne. Your husband, I assume. Ravmonpg. You admit it! Loatznne, Not exactly. I just presume that if you have a pair of braces about you they belong to your husband, and no-one else! RavMonvt (taking her handbag to the stool up R and returning down ©) Precisely! And now perhaps you can explain why he got them this morning, through the post. Lucwnne. Through the post? Rayonpe. Ina parcel which I opened by mistake, when I went through his letters. Lucienne. Why go through his letters? Raymonpe. To see what’s in them. Lucrenne. Sound reason . . « RayMonve. Well! Luctenxe, ‘That’s what you call a parcel “opened by mistake’? Ravmonpe. Of course it was a mistake, It wasn’t meant for me. Luctenne, I see... RavMone. You agree that if someone posts him his braces, it’s because he left them behind in some—somewhere? ‘Lucienne (rising and moving down stage) It seems to follow. Ravnonne (moving R of Lucienne) Yes—and do you know where it was? This “somewhere”? ‘Lucienne. You're making my flesh creep. Raymonpz. “The Hotel Coq d’Or”, my darling. Lucrenne. What on earth’s that? Raywonpe. Well, it’s not the Christian Science Reading Room.8 A FLEA IN HER EAR AcrI Luctenne. “The Hotel Coq d’Or.” RayMonpe (moving to the tallboy and taking out a box) Look! The box they came in, Printed label, and then, my husband’s address: “Monsieur Chandebise, 95 Boulevard Malesherbes.” (She gives Lucienne the box) Lucienne. ‘The Hotel Coq d’Or. Raymonpe. And in Montretout, my darling. (She takes the box back) A name that speaks volumes! It’s repulsive! But it adds up! Now I can understand it all. (She returns the box to the drawer) Lucienne, Oh? Absolutely. RayMonpe (moving above the sofa) Of course I had my doubts. Just because my husband seemed to be going through . . . a slight period cree Lucrenne. Drought? Raywonps, Exactly. I said to myself, “Oh, well,” I said. “What of it?” But now—this! This has sent me away—with an enormous flea in my ear. . . (She moves 1 of the sofa) Luctenne. Obviously. Raywonne. If you could see this hotel, darling. It looks as if it'd been carved out of nougat. LuctENNE (moving to 1. of Raymonde) You mean, you know it? Ravmonpe, T’ve just been there. Luctenne. What? Raymonps. That’s why I’m late. I wanted to be quite sure! So I told myself, “You must question the management.” But how do you question that type of management? They refused to remember any- thing. Luctenne. That's the first rule of their profession. Raymonve. You know what the terrible man there said to me? Luctenne, What? Raymonpe. He said, “Madame,” he said, “if I gave away the names of my guests you'd be the first never to come here any more.” He said that to me! Then he shut up. Like a clam. (Ske moves down R) LuctEenne. Oh, clam’s too good for that sort. Raymonpe. You see—men stick together. (She moves to Lucienne) We must rely on us! Now—you know so much more about these things than I do, darling. Luctenne (moving down Lc) I wouldn’t say that. Raymonpe. You know the facts. And with your touch of genius. LUcIENNE (sitting R of the table) There is that! Of course, Raymonpe, What shall I do? Lucrenne. Well, now. Let's see. Go to Victor Emmanuel—have it out with him! RayMonne (moving down c) Lucienne! You know he'd only lie to me! There’s no liar like a man—unless it’s a woman, - Lucrenne (rising) You're right. (Moving to Raymond) Men and women are the only two of God’s creatures who lie at all. Listen. There’s one trick I’ve scen in plays and... Raymonpe. What? Tell me.Acr I A FLEA IN HER EAR 9 Lucienne. It’s pretty loathsome, I mean I'd only do it to a man. But—you take a sheet of highly perfumed writing paper and on it you write a burning, passionate letter... Raymonpe. Yes? Lucienne. ‘To your husband. Raymonpe, Oh... Lucienne. ‘As if it came from another woman—and you end up— by arranging a meeting! RAYMONDE. A meeting? Lucienne, Which you go to, naturally. And if he comes to meet you—you've got him! Raymonpe (bringing the desk from down x to the sofa) Of course. You're right. It’s rather revolting, but the old-fashioned ways are best. We'll do it now. Lucienne, Good. Raymonpe. He might recognize my handwriting. Luciznne. If you've written to him before. Raymonps. But he doesn’t know yours. (Moving to Lucienne) You're going to write it! Are you my best friend or not? (She takes Lucienne’s hand) Lucienne. You're leading me into mortal sin . . Ravwonpe. That’s where you'll find my husband. : Lucienne. ‘That won't do me much good apparently. (Moving to the sofa) All right. Give me the writing paper. (She sits behind the desk) RayMonpr, Here. (She moves t of the desk) Lvcienne, Not yours. He'll recognize it. Raymonps (moving to the cabinet x) Of course. Silly of me. This'Il do. (She brings down some paper) 1 bought it to give my dear little nephews for their thank you letters. : Lucienne, That! He'll think it’s an affair with a cook. He'll never go. RayMonpe, You're right... (She returns the paper to the cabinet) Luctenne. Haven't you got any decadent writing paper? Some- thing suggestive . Ravmonpe. There’s this mauve. It’s not all that suggestive. Lucienwe. But drenched in perfume . . . RayMonE (moving to the bell-push R and ringing it) T’ve got the stuff! A bottle of “Scarlet Woman”. I was going to send it back— it makes me sneeze, Wait a moment. (Cannuce enters up 1) Cammie, Ho Horry. (So sorry) Raymonpe, Can I help you, Camille? CAMILLE (moving down c) Don’t worry. I wanted to see if Victor Emmanuel was back. RayMonpe. Not yet. Why? Camize. There’s the post to be signed, and a contract. Rayonpe, He can’t be much longer. Camitte. Pll wait. Raysonps. All right. What're you staring at, darling?t 10 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr I Luctenne. No—nothing, really . . . Camiuz, You see Raymonde came home in the end. You didn’t have to wait too long. Lucunne. Honestly. I remember you perfectly—we even had a little chat. Raymonve, What he said was—you didn’t have to wait too long. Came. That’s it! That's it! Luctenne. Not too long, thank you. Raymonpe. Camille Chandebise, our nephew. Mme Carlos Homenides de Histangua. Lucnenne (rising and offering Camille her hand) Delighted to meet you. You must excuse me. (Withdrawing her hand before Camille can kiss it) I didn’t catch all you said just now. A little hard of . . . Camitts. Hearing? I have an impediment—in my speech. I don’t say words clearly. ‘Luctenne. Charming! Charming! (Moving to Raymonde) What's he talking about? Raymonpe. He says he has an impediment in his speech. Lucirnne. Really? Well, perhaps a little tiny—hitch. (Moving down R) Now you mention it .. . Camttte. You're too kind. (ANTOINETTE enters up C) Awrowerre. You rang, madame. Ravuonpe, Yes. Fetch me a big bottle of perfume—you'll find it on the right of the dressing-table. Antonerre. Yes, madame. Ravwonpe. You'll see a “Scarlet Woman” . . . smouldering on the label. ‘AntomeTTe. Certainly, madame. (Anromnerre exits up R pinching Camille as she passes) Cate. Quch! RAYMONDE | (together) What? Gauniz, Touch of neuralgia... Raymonng. In the... Came. HP... Raymonpe, The change in the weather, Camtze. T must get on with my work, (Moving up .) Madame. Lucrennt. Sir! Gants. My respects. (Canae exits up 1) Lucrenne. I think it’s wonderful. How do you understand? Ravmonpe. Is that why you were staring? Lucunne, Of course. (She sits at the desk) Raymonps. You get used to it. How sweet of you to pretend not to notice...Acr I A FLEA IN HER EAR wn Lucrenne. I wouldn’t hurt his feelings . . . (ANTOINETTE enters up R to R of Raymonde) ‘Awroerre. Is this the one, madame? Ravmonv. Thank you. Right—now before Victor Emmanuel gets back . (ANTOINETTE exits up ©) Lucienne, Well, now how are we going to hook the fish? Raymonne. That's the question. (She sts in the chair RC) Luctenne. The question is—where? RaymonpE. What? Lucinne. Where did this mysterious lady become besotted with Victor Emmanuel? RAYMONDE. Where do you suggest? Luctenne. Been to the theatre lately? Raymonps. Last Wednesday. The Palais-Royal. We went with Monsieur Tournel Lucienne. Monsieur Tournel? RAYMONDE. Who’s almost my lover . . « Lucenne. Oh, him. (Wriling) Now—listen to this—“Dear Sir, Having noticed you the other evening at the Palais Royal Theatre...” RAyMONDE. Doesn’t that sound a little formal—for love at first sight? ‘Lucrenne. Formal? Ravmonpe. As if you were serving a writ. (Rising and crossing down t) I'd come right out with it. “I was the girl who couldn’t take her eyes off you that night at the Palais Royal...” Luctenne. You've obviously got a talent for this sort of thing. Raymonpg. I was only saying what I'd write. Lucienne. All right, I agree. “I’m the girl who couldn’t take her eyes off you—” RAYMONDE (moving c) “—that night at the Palais Royal.” Hot, yearning—and simple. Luctenne. You're really living the part, aren’t you? “You were in a box with your wife and another man... .”” Raymonve. Monsieur Tournel . . . Lucienne. “Since then—you are all I dream of.” ; RAYMONDE (moving above the sofa to the window) Isn’t that going too far? Luctenne. Other people always go too far. Raymonpe. If you're sure. . « Lucrenne. “I’m ready to commit a folly, Will you join me? I'll be waiting for you today. Five o'clock. In the Hotel Coq d’Or in Montretout.” Raymonpr. The same hotel? Won't he be suspicious? Lucienne. He'll be stimulated—beyond endurance. “The room will be booked in the name of Monsieur Chandebise.” Raymonpe. “I rely on you...”12 A FLEA IN HER EAR AcrI Lvcienne. “I rely on you.” Marvellous! I tell you, you've got a talent for this sort of thing. Raymonpe. I’m starting to learn... Lucrenne (writing) “From one who loves you . . .” Now— drenched in perfume RayMonne (giving Lucienne the perfume) Here we are! (Lucienne sprinkles ihe letter) Luctenne. That'll do. . . (She puts the perfume on the table Re) Raymonpg. Oh, dear! Luctenne (rising) Blotched! RayMonbe. What a shame. Luctenne. Yes. RayMonpr. You'll have to do it again. Luctenne (sitting as before) Not at all! Thav'll come in very useful. (Writing) “P.S. Why can’t I stop crying when I write to you? Let them be tears of joy and not despair.” Private. To Monsieur Victor Emmanuel Chandebise. Ninety-five Boulevard Malesherbes. Now we need a messenger. Who can we send? Raymonpe. You, of course. Luctenne (rising) You’re—not serious! Raymonpe (reiurning the desk to the window) We can’tsend a servant —he’d be recognized. And I can’t do it myself. I mean if my husband asked for a description of the woman who brought the letter—and got a description of me—the cat would just leap out of the bag! You're the one to do it! Luctenne (moving c) Whatever next! - Raymonpe, Are you my best friend or not? Luctenne. I suppose so. You certainly make the most of it. (The doorbell rings) RayMonpe. That must be my husband. (She opens the door up R) Hurry up. Out this way. Take the door on the right and you are in the hall. (Luctenne collects her gloves and exits up x. RavMonvE replaces the cap on the perfume bottle, puts it back on the table, and moves down R. Cianpepise enters c, followed by Evtenne) Cranenise (giving Etienne his cane) You say the doctor called? Ertenne. Yes, sir. Cranvepise, Good! Excellent! Go in, my dear fellow. (Toure enters ¢ with a brief-case, which he puts on the table L) Give me a moment. Must sign the post. (He puls his hat and gloves on the table down 1) (Tournen moves down 1 of the table) Raymonpg. Camille’s been waiting as if you were the Second Coming. CHANDEBISE. Oh, it’s you. Tournet. Good morning dear lady.Act I A FLEA IN HER EAR 13, Raymonve. Good morning, Mr Tournel. (To Chandebise) Yes, it’s me. Cuanpesisz. I met Tournel on the stairs, so we came up together. RAYMONDE. Oh, yes... Tourne. I’ve brought a list of new clients. Cianpesise (hitching up his trousers with his hands in his pockets) Spleisiid. You can give me that right away. RayMONDE. Are you having trouble with your braces by any chance? CHanpesise. As a matter of fact I am. Raymonpe. Are they the ones I bought for you? Cxanpesise. What's that? Yes, of course. Raymonve. They seemed to be—quite satisfactory. Cwanpesisz, It’s because I’ve pulled them up too tight. RAYMONDE (moving c) Let me adjust them for you. CHAnpesise, Please don’t bother. I can adjust them myself. Raymonpe. Have it your own way. CHANDEBISE (moving up L) Excuse me. Be with you in a moment. (CHanpenise exits up 1) Tournet. Carry on! Carry on! Camme (off) A—Harst (At last) CHANDEBISE (off) All right! Some people don’t have to rush round all day... . (He closes the door) Tournet. (moving c) Oh, Raymonde! Raymonde! You're all I dream of! RayMonps. Not now, thank you very much. Not when he’s un- faithful. Tournet. What? Raymonne (moving towards the door up R) That sort of thing’s per- fectly all right when you've got nothing else on your mind. Tourn (following her) But, Raymonde—Raymonde, you said— you let me hope . . « Raymonbe. Did I? I suppose I did. But he didn’t have his ‘braces then, Now that he’s got his braces—good-bye! (RaYMONDE exits up R) Tournex. She’s going to be a hard nut to crack! Braces. What's she talking about? Braces! (Came enters up t) Canute (moving up c) Monsieur Tournel, my uncle is asking for you. Tournex (smiling) What? Camute, My uncle is asking for you. Tournex (crossing the table :) Don’t talk with your mouth full, old boy, it’s rude. (He picks up his brief-case) Casunue. Wait. “My uncle is ask-ing for you!” TourneL. My uncle is asking for you! Why not say so! (Tourne exits up L)14 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act I Cammuz. What an uncouth fellow! Extraordinary thing! (Moving 10) I go to all the trouble of fetching him and he gives me a mouthful of abuse! (Fivacue and Extenne enter up ¢) Emrenne. The master’s back. Finacue. Good. (He moves down ¢) Enenne. Pi tell him. (Emsenne exits up 1) Came. It’s a bit thick! I say to him, most politely. “My uncle is asking for you.” He makes me repeat it. I write it down for him, and he has the ice-cold nerve to come back with, “All right, why couldn’t you say so?” It’s the last time I do a favour for a pig like that! Finacue. You rehearsing a dramatic monologue? Cama. It’s you, Doctor! I was just complaining about a certain person who . . « Fivacue (moving xc) Oh, all right. Don’t explain. Well, you young scallywag? Been on the tiles lately? Casazze (moving c) Oh! Shhh! Fivacu, Of course. You're supposed to be the virginal young Camille. You've got to keep up your reputation . . . (Fivacis and Cane circle each other) Cammte. Please! Finacue. Doctors have a way of catching little plaster saints with their trousers down. I must say it’s very funny. Everyone thinking that you're so innocent. Canmize. I suppose it is really . . « Fivace. Have you taken my advice? Canute. What? Finacne. The Hotel Coq d’Or. Camiite, Please! (Fuvacne and Caniie circle again) Finacue. Why? We're alone—between friends. You've been there? : Came. Yes. Finace. What did I tell you? (He moves x) Casnuie, Oh! (He moves x) Finacue, Isn’t it? When I want a little—relaxation I never go anywhere ele. Allright, come down to earth and go and fetch your uncle. Cammte. Yes, Of course. (He moves up c) Finacne (moving up c) While I think of it, Pll give you your infernal machine. Cami-ie. What infernal machine? pena What I promised you. At least you'll sound like ahuman. cing.ActI A FLEA IN HER EAR 15 Camatte. You've got it! Fivacuz, Now your trouble is—the roof of your mouth hasn’t formed properly. The sounds don’t bounce off it. They float up— and they get lost somewhere behind your face. Camitte. That's it. Finacute (producing a box with a false palate in it) So—I’ve brought you a sounding board. Isn’t it pretty? Camtete. Let’s see. (He takes the box) Finacue. A silver roof to your mouth. Cawmte. Oh! Fivacue, Not everyone can say that. Camttzx, I'll be able to speak! Finacre, What? Came, T'll be able . . . (He starts to insert the palate) Finacte, Not yet! First soak it in boracic. Who knows where it’s been! Camtie, You're right! No, but I said. I shall be able to speak. Finacue, Of course you will be able to speak! With a little talent you'll be in the Comedie Francaise, Camitte (moving up c) Ah! T'll soak it in boracic. Cuanpenise (off) Camille! Finacne, Just a minute. They're calling you. Camtrte. Tell them—T'll be back in a minute, (Casaite exits up c) Cuanpepise (off) Camille! (Cuanpepise enters up 1) Fivacue, He'll be back in a minute. (He moves down Cc) CHanpenise (moving down t of Finacke) Finache! Finacue, He’s got something to see to. Keeping well? CHanpeniss. ‘Thank God it’s you—just the man I wanted to see. Fixacue, I was here earlier. Etienne told you? . CHanpesise (moving below the table tou of it) With Histangua’s certificate. Finacue. It’s on the table. CHANDEDISE, It seems he’s a good risk. Finacue. First rate. Cuanvesise. Thanks. Bogen (silting of the table) What did you want to see me about? Cuanpenise (sitting 1 of the table) Yes. Well. Now—I wanted to consult you. It’s rather a delicate matter. But, quite frankly, a most extraordinary thing’s happened to me. Finace, What sort of thing? Canpesise. It’s not very easy to explain. Well. You know I have an extremely attractive wife . . . Finacie. Hear, hear! Cuanpepise. Good! And no-one’s less interested in other women than your humble servant.16 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act I Finacue. Ah. CHANDEBIsE, What do you mean “Ah”? Why do you say “An? Finacue. I really don’t know. Guanpesise, I'm telling you! Raymonde’s everything to me. Wife and mistress. And I don’t wish to boast but between you and me, Y’m a first-rate husband! Finvacue. Ah?. GaaGpenise, What do you mean “Ah”? Why do you keep saying “ah? Finacue. I really don’t know. Pee acpeatse. I'm telling you! To say I'm first-rate’s an under- statement . .» Mecae, Delighted to hear it. 1 euppose all this is leading some- where. ‘Sranpesise, Of course it is. You've seen a play called Nothing to Declare at the Palais Royal? Finacue. What? Fae acpeatse, L asked you if you'd seen Nothing to Declare Finacne, Yes and no. .« CHAnvEsise. What's the matter? You've either seen it or you haven't... ‘Finacne, Well, actually both. I had a close friend in my box. Cuanvenise. So there were gaps. FINACHE. Quite a few. CGaanpenise, Never mind! You got the general idea. Nice young men tN his honeymoon. He’s about to give his wife lesson, number one in the grammar of matrimony when a customs officer bursts in wuith a quite inopportune cry of “Nothing to declare?” Brutally jnterrupts his train of thought. Finacue, I remember, vaguely. CGaaxpesise, Vaguely! Obviously the customs officer didn’t burst into your box! : Finacue, ‘That's perfectly true. aeMpentse, Not to make a long story out of it—it became ae obseion with the young fellow. Every time he felt an impulse to reopen negotiations with madame he saw the customs officer and heerd that terrible “Nothing to declare”. And then, hey presto! Nothing to declare! Finacue. What a bore for him. Cuanpesise (rising and crossing above the table to C) Decidedly! My dear chap. That's exactly what happens to me! Finacue. What? Gnanpesise (pacing down x and back toc) One fine day. No. One ghastly night about a month ago, I was ‘extremely amorous, as is my Bont, 1 expressed my desires to Madame Chandebise who appeared to welcome them. And then, hey presto! Finacue. The customs man arrived! Cuanpesise. Yes. What? No! But J was in a terrible trouble. I don’t know what. I felt I'd become—a little child again. Finacue, That was a bit hard.Acr I A FLEA IN HER EAR 7 Cuanvesisz, You could put it more happily. At first—I didn’t worry. I had a glorious past behind me. I said to myself, “Chande- bise. A reverse today, revenge tomorrow.” Finacue. That's life! Cuanpenise. But the next day unfortunately I said to’ myself, “Steady now, old fellow. If you're going to do the same as yester- day . ..” Damn silly to put ideas in a man’s head just when he needs all his confidence. I was overcome with anxiety and once again. Nothing to declare! Finacue. Poor old Chandebise. CHANDEBISE (moving c) I’m afraid it is “poor old Chandebise”. It’s an obsession, Now I don’t even say to myself, “Tonight—can I?” I say, “Tonight—I can’t!” It never fails. Steady on! Hardly the moment for laughing. FINAGHE (rising and moving c to Chandebise) What? You don’t expect me to treat your case as a tragedy! It happens every day. You're simply the victim of auto-suggestion. Now! It’s up to you. All you need is a little strength of character. If you want it you can do it, CHANDEBISE (unconvinced) Oh, yes! Finacus. If instead of saying, “Can I,” you must simply say— (very positive) —“T can”. That'll do it. Never doubt yourself in this life. You should have told your wife all you told me, quite clearly, and calmly . . , I mean, she’d have had a good laugh, and you'd have enjoyed the joke together. You’d’ve both put your shoulders to the wheel. And rojled straight through the Customs. Ciranpenise. Perhaps you're right. Finacue. Apart from that I prescribe—plenty of outdoor exercise. T'll listen-in to your chest. You work too hard. Desk-bound, Round shoulders, That’s why I prescribed special American braces. I bet you're not wearing them! Cuanpesise (taking off his jacket) Ob, yes, am, I gave Camille my other braces. But these are pretty unsightly. Fivacue. You're the only one who sees them. Cuanpenise. It’s not true! (Crossing below the table i) My wife almost poked her nose in there . Finacue, That'll never do. (Following Chandebise) Come on, let’s listen to your chest... Cuanpesise (unbulloning his waistcoat) One humiliation after another . . . i Lucrenne (ofc) Tell your mistress I’m here... Cutanpenise. Oh! (He moves down v. and buttons his waistcoat) Emienne (ofc) Certainly, madame. (Luctenwe enters up o) Cuanpenise. See you later. It’s you, dear lady... Luctenne. Of course it’s me. Are you quite well? Cuanvenisz, Perfectly well, thank you. (He puts on his jacket) You're calling on my wife? Luciznne (moving down c) Calling back. I had a few—little jobs— but I've seen her already—and this gentleman,| 1 18 A FLEA IN HER EAR AcrI Finacue. A delightful encounter, Cuanpepise. Then—no need for introductions. Did you notice any—signs of nervousness? Lucrenne. In him? Cuanvesise. No, no, (Moving c to Lucienne) In my wife. I don’t know what was wrong with her this morning. Got out of bed the wrong side. . . Lucianne, I didn’t notice anything. Cxanpesise. So much the better. (Raymonve enters R and moves above the sofa) Raymonpr. There you are. Lucienne (moving up to Raymonde) Hullo again. Raymonne. All right? Luctenne. Fine. It's on its way. Raymonve. Splendid. (ETIENNE enters up © with the letter) Emtenne. Sir. (He moves down stage) Cxanpesise. What? Luorenne. Here it is! Emtenne. By special delivery. Personal to the master. (Emenne exits up c. Ravmonpe moves down ¢) Cuanpesise. For me? Excuse me... (He opens the letter) Good heavens! RAYMONDE, What is it? Cranpepise. Oh, nothing very much. . . Raymonpe. Bad news? Cxanpesise, Just something about the business . . . Raymonpe. Oh, yes. Liar! (Moving up rx) Let’s go. Now it’s per- fectly obvious. (Raymonbe and Lucienne exit r) Cuanpesise (moving xc) My dear fellow, women are remarkable creatures! You'll never guess what’s happened to me. Finacze, What? (Tournet enters v and moves above the table) Tourner. You gave me the slip... . (He puts his case on the table) Cuanperise, Come in. Nothing private. . Tournex (moving down c) What is it then? Hullo, Doctor. Finacue. Oh, hullo, Tournel. Cuanvesise. You chaps must amuse yourselves. I've got to go somewhere. I've made a conquest. FOURNEL \. opether) What? Tournen.” You? Finacue, You, Chandebise! CHanpenise (moving between them) That's taken the wind out ofAct I A FLEA IN HER EAR 19 your sails. Listen, And I’m not making this up. “I'm the girl who couldn’t take her eyes off you, that night at the Palais Royal. . .” Tournen. You! Finacue. You, Chaudebise! Cuanpewise. Me! Chandebise! She couldi’t take her eyes off me... Tournex. (taking the letler and moving Rc) “You were in.a box with your wife and another man . . .” Cuanpepise. “Another man.” That’s you, Tournel. (Taking the letter) “Another man” “X”, The first one she saw, a blurred anony- mous individual. Moth-eaten. Tournex. Thank you. Cuanpepise. “Since then you’re all I dream of.” ae } (together) No! Cuanpenise, I’m all she dreams of! What’ve you got to say to thar? Tournen, Is that there? Cuanenise, Oh, yes, my dear fellow. It’s there all right, Finacue, I'm afraid it is, ; Tournet. Damned odd! Don’t you find that damned odd? Finacue, People have morbid dreams occasionally. Tournex. Depends on what they ate the night before. Cuanpenise, You may choose to mock . . . Tournex. I must say Ido... Cuanpeamse (going on reading) “I’m ready to commit a folly. Will you join me?” Poor little creature. She’s got it badly. Wouldn’t you say 30? Fivacue, Oh, I don't know . . . Cxtanpenise. ‘After what you've heard . . . Finacue (moving below the chair tof the table) Is that all? Cuanpepise. “Dll be waiting for you today. Five o’clock. At the Hotel Coq d’Or.” Finacue (startled) The Hotel Coq d’Or. (He sits u of the table) Cuanpenise, Yes. In Montretout, Finacue. If she knows that place, she must be well broken in. CHanpenise (moving R of the table) Why? Is it one of those hotels? Finacue. It’s where I go, for my little adventures. Cuanpenise (sitting x of the table) These places are unknown—to the pure in heart! Finacue. But I’m sure Tournel . Tourner. (moving 1 above the table name... Cuanpenise, Oh, My dear fellows . .. Tee } (together) What? Guanveniie, She wept! ‘OURNI Finacne (together) No! Cuanpeniie, I’m afraid so. Half a minute. “P.S. Why can’t I I may have just heard the20 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act stop crying when I write to you? Let them be tears of joy and not despair . .” Poor little broken heart! No good saying she’s not totally sincere! Look. Drenched. (He gives Tournel the letter) Tourer (cressing above Chandebrise toc) Oh, my dear fellows . . . pause (together) What? Fivacue Tournex. What does she mix her tears with to make them smell so overpowering? Cuanpesise (rising and moving to Tournel) Did you notice anyone ogling us? ‘Tournet. No! That is—I did notice something, But I thought it was meant for me. CHANDEBISE (snatching the letter from Tournel) Oh. For you? Really. What a fool Tam! (Moving uc) Of course, it’s obvious. _- (Ewacne rises and moves down stage) TouRNEL Ponce, } (logether) What? Cuanpenise, It wasn't me she fancied, It was you! Tournen. Me? Cuanpenise, Certainly! She mistook you for me. And when someone pointed to our box and said my name, naturally, as she only had eyes for you . . Tournet. You really think so? Guanpepise, Oh, yes, I’m certain of it. Tournex. Ah, Perhaps so. Yes. Cuanvenise, Look at me! Do I sweep girls off their feet? Poor old Chandebise. But you . .. It’s perfectly natural. It’s your function in life! His function in life. You're used to making conquests. You've the looks. Tournex. Well now. I wouldn’t go as far as that .. . Cxanvesise. Why not, It’s no secret. Finache, You don’t know your own strength. Tournet. I may have a certain boyish charm. That’s about all... Guanpepise. Boyish charm! Women have committed suicide for you, True? Answer yes or no! Tournex, Just—one, actually. Cuanpgpise. Ah. Tournex. And besides, she recovered. Gxanpesise. That's irrelevant! Tournet. Anyway the whole thing’s a bit mysterious, She poisoned herself cating mussels, GHANDEBISE\. (iosether) Mussels? Tournex. I'd just left her. She told everyone she did it in a fit of despair, But 1 must say I wouldn’t choose a plate of moules marinicres as a suicide weapon. Too risky. Cuanpenise. Come on! ‘There’s no mistake. The letter’s meant for you.Act I A FLEA IN HER EAR ar TourneL. What do you think? Doctor? Finacue, Well... CHANDEBISE. But of course! And since the letter’s meant for you, you’re the one who must go... Tournet (moving R and twitching his nose) Oh, I couldn’t do that! Cuanpenise. Anyway! I’m not free this evening. We've got a dinner for our American director and . . . Tournet. It’s impossible. Cxanpepise. You're dying to go. Tournet, Am I? Cuanpenise (moving to Tournel) Look at your nose. It’s twitching. Tournet. My God, it is! (He crosses below Chandebise to uc) All right. I accept. ‘CHANDEBISE. Such a tease! Be off with you! (He moves above Tournel) Tournev. It suits me. I was looking forward to another little— adventure, It was all arranged. But it'll have to be postponed. Cxanpesise. Who with? TourneL (turning to Chandebise) With er—I couldn’t possibly tell you. (He crosses Ra) Cuanpepise. He couldn’t possibly tell me! What a tease you are. Tournet. Your unknown beauty’ll do me for the moment. Cuanpesise. Take her, with my compliments. (He moves c) Tournet. Too kind! So. Let’s have the letter. Cuanpesise. You don’t need it. You’ve only got to go to that hotel and ask for the room booked in my name. I mean, I don’t get letters like that dropped through the post every day of the week. Some day I want my grandchildren—if I manage to produce grand- children—I want them to come across this letter stuffed away in some attic and say, “Grandpa must have been a damned good~ looking fellow to excite such a desperate passion.” At least I can be good-looking for posterity. Come on, Finache, old man. Come and hear my chest. (He picks up his hat and gloves and moves down 1.) TourneL. What about the signatures . . . (Fiwacniss moves down 1) _Cuanpesisz. I'll be with you in two ticks. We'll go in there, Finache. No-one'll disturb us. (Fuvacne and CHANDEBISE exit 1) Tournex (moving c) The Hotel Coq d’Or. Who’s this poor girl who's so besotted with me? (RayMonpe enters r and moves 1 of the sofa) Raymonpe. Isn’t my husband here? TOURNEL (moving 1 of Raymonde) In there with the doctor. Shall I call him? Raymonpg. Don’t bother him now. Could you say I’ve gone out with Madame de Histanga and if I’m late he’s not to worry. I may dine with a lady friend. . .22 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act I Tourser. He'll probably be out too. il RayMonpe. i Tousen, Hes, got a dinner, for his American director. Raymonpe. He said that, did he? Not that I mind, in the least; but it just isn’t true. The dinner’s tomorrow! I saw the invitation . . TourweL (moving t) He’s made a mistake then, I'll tell him. Raymonve. Don’t get excited, He knows exactly what he’s doing. An alibi! So he can come creeping home late and say he mixed up the date. He can’t fool me... Tournet. Why should he tell me fairy stories? Rayonpe. You mean he saves them up for me? TourneL. Of course not! You're putting words in my mouth. Raymonve. Very clever! While my husband’s unfaithful you | know you won’t get anywhere with me—so you want me to believe | he’s pure as the driven . . | Tournet. But he is. P'm speaking the truth! Raymonpe. Really! Well, it makes no difference, he still doesn’t —oh, good-bye! (She moves R) Tournex (moving R) Raymonde . . . Raymonpe. Lose yourself. (RAYMONDE exits R) i Tournet. She told me, to lose myself! | (CAMILLE enters c with a glass and a bottle of boracic acid) Camittz, Hullo, Monsieur Tournel. You in a better temper now? Tourner. You! (Crossing 1 below Camille) Lose yourself! (Tourer exits up L. CAMILLE moves above the table 1) Camite. What an uncouth fellow! (Putting the boracic in the glass) i Boracic acid—so hard to come by. There! (He puts the palate in the | glass and places it on the mantelpiece) Soak yourself, my silver roof! Soak yourself clean! (Ertenne enters c, followed by Homentoes) Entenne. Monsieur Don Homenides de Histangua. (Ertenne exits, Homentwes moves down c) Homentves. Buenos dias. Camu.te (moving i of Homenides) Monsieur Histangua. Homentpes. Where is Senor Chandebise? Cami. He'll be with you in a minute. He’s with his doctor. ! Howentpes (moving x) I want to see the Senor Chandebise! (CHANDEBISE and FINACHE enter L) Cammue. Here they are, (He moves up 1) Finacue. Just take my advice, That’s all. 4 Cuanpesise. I understand. ‘Homentwgs. My old friend, Buenos dias.Actl A FLEA IN HER EAR 23 Guanpenisn (orossing 8) Very well, thank you . .. (He shakes hands with Homenides) ‘Homentes. And the doctor. In fine health? Finactz, Naturally. You all right? (Moving up @) I’ve got to rush away. Houswipes. Iexcuthe .. . (He puts his hat, gloves and stick on the sofa) Fivacue. Good-bye. (He opens the door up ©) Aut. Good-bye. Finacue, Whoever get’s there, good luck at the Hotel Coq d’Or. (Finacue exits 6) Caste. Silly old fool! Homenibes. Tell me. . . My wife here? Guanpepss. Certainly. With mine. Homznipes. 1 thought tho. Guanpesise. Dll tell her... (He starts to move up stage) Hlomenpes (crossing t below the table) Chandebise, I called on your company today. I thaw your doctor. Cuanpenise. He told me. Houssipes. He told me—‘Per favor to make a little water” CHanpesise (moving down c) What? Honenwes. Pee—piddle—pith! Cranpepiss. -Ah yes! Honentoes. Why did he do that? Cuanpenise. What? Honenives. ‘To make me—pith? Guanpenise. Well obviously—to discover if you're a good risk. Homentes. But I came to insure my wife! Canpeniss. You should've told me, Houses, I thaid I want inthurance. You didn’t ask me for who. ‘Gaanpeniss, Well, no harm done. Your wife can just pop into the company office and . . - Hourspes. Be subjected—to the same humiliation? Cuanpexise. Well, of course. Homentes. I'm not wanting that. Cwanpesise. But... Homestpes (moving slowly c) T’'m not wanting that! I'm not want- ing that! 1 am not wanting that! Guanpestse. Now: Be reasonable. It’s in our rules. Honzaipes. 1 break your rules. I have already pithed for her. Cranpenise. That’s not allowed. Honentpes (moving ic) Bueno. Then no inthurance. Terminado! Cuanpepise, Surely you're not so possessive . . . Homentes. An afiront—to the man of dignity. Cuanpesise. Or jealous. Homenipes, Jealouth? Me? I am never jealouth. CHanpepise.” Of course you have no reason to be jealous of your wife. I'm sure of that. } i t i24 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act I Homenives. Not only that! She knows that I would be terrible. She wouldn’t dare detheive me . . - Cuanpenise. Oh, yes? Homnnwes (producing a revolver) You thee thith little toy? Cianpepise, Put it away! (Crossing below Homenides to 1. of the table) Good heavens—don’t play with things like that! Homentes (moving c) Not dangerous. Just. deterrent. Cuanpesise. All the same. Homentpes, If I just cath her—with another man. He'll get a ball of shot in the back which will pass through and come out of the back! Cranpesise, Out of—his back? Homemes. No! Hers! CHAanpexist. What? Oh, I see. You think they might possibly be like—well, like ‘Homenibes. I think? What do you mean I think? Guanpexise. Nothing. Really, nothing at all. Homentes, She knows what'll happen. I told her. (Moving 1 of the sofa) On the wedding night . . . CHANDEEISE (moving foc) Charming for her! (Tourwet. enters up L) ‘TourneL. Oh, there you are, old chap. (He moves down 1c) Cuanpesise. Half a moment. Tournet. No, listen. You know I’ve got—an urgent appointment. Guanvesise. Of course. Get the forms out. (Moving R to Homenides) Pll be with you in a second. Tournet. Oy... ! (Tournen. exits up 1) Homenipes. Who’s that man? Cxanvepise. Monsieur Tournel. Homenwes. Monsieur Tournel? Csanpesise. One of our agents—and a personal friend. Homenmwes. Aha? CHanpenise. Charming fellow. Tournel do meet . . - Oh. He’s not there, Pity. He’s only got one fault . . . Homenipes. Yes? Guanpepise. Women! He never stops. It’s quite fantastic. Homenwes. Well... ¢ Cuanpesise. He’s in a hurry. He’s got a girl waiting for him now. Or perhaps she’s not waiting for him either. You see, she sent her steaming little love letter—to me! Homenmes. Truly? Who is thith girl? Cxanpenise. A mystery. Not signed. Honenwes, Perhaps—one of those anonymous perthons. Ganvesise, But she must be a woman of the world. Sophisti- cated. Married probably. Homenmes. Why you thay this? Cuanpesise. What? Howentoes. Why you thay this?Acr I A FLEA IN HER EAR 25 CGuanpense. Oh. Why I thay this? Well, the way it’s written. Loose women are much more straightforward, not so sentimental. Here, have a look . . . (He holds out the letter) Howentpes (taking the letter and moving down x) Good joke! A poor idiot of a husband! Being cheated! Cuanpepise. That makes you laugh? Homentpes. Such a good joke! (He looks at the letter) Cuanpesisz. He’s got a lovely nature! Homenwes. Ah! Cwanpesise (backing 1c) What? Howentoes (moving up ®, above the sofa) Carambat The moment of truth! Caramba! CHANDEBIsE. What’s the matter? Homenines (moving © of the sofa) Her handwriting! (He produces the revolver) Cuanvesise. What? Homentes (seizing Chandebise and bending him over the table uc) Mongrel! Snake! Reptile! Cuanpesise. There—there, old fellow. Homenmes. My faithful bulldog! Here, boy, here! Guanpepise. He’s got a dog with him? Homenmes. ‘There you are! Cuanpesise. Steady now... Homenwes. My wife thends you letters! Cuanpesise (escaping and running 1 of the table) Certainly not! Any- way how do you know it’s her? These days all women write alike . .- Homentes (turning c and loading the revolver) 1 know it! Cuanpepise, Anyway I’m not going to see her. It’s Tournel. Homentes, The man who wath here! Good! I shall kill him! CianpEwise (moving up.) Pll stop him going. It'll be all right . . Homentnes (slapping him) I wish it consummated. Then I have my proof—and I will kill beautifully! LucteNne (of'2) Raymonde, dear, we really ought to hurry. Raymonne (of) Yes, dear, I’m ready. 1 FlomeNEDEs. ‘My wife’s voice! (Forcing Chandebise down u) Get in there... . CHANDeEpIsE. Histangua, my dear friend .. . Homentes. Si! I’m your friend! But I'll kill you like a mongrel dog. Go on. Or I fire. Cuanpesise. No—no... (CHanpesise exits down L. Homentpes locks the door and pockets the letter and revolver) (Luctenne and RAYMONDE enter up R, LUGIENNE moves down R, RayMonpe down c) Lucienne. Darling, here you are! Homentpes (moving below the table) Si! Here I am. Raymonbe. Monsicur de Histangua. cHlguenoes ‘Madame, I trust you are well. And your huth- and... | | |26 A FLEA IN HER EAR AcrI Raymonpe. Well, yes, thank you very much. Homenwes. And los ninos—the little ones. Raymonpe. Well, I haven’t any little ones. Homenies. Pity. Well—thooner or later. . . Rayonve. Thank you. Luctenne. What's the matter? Homenmes. Nothing the matter. Nothing! Nada... Lucienne. I’m going out with Raymonde, You don’t mind? Homenwes, Bueno. Go. I beg you. Go! Lucienne (moving up c) Good-bye, then. Raymonne. Good-bye, dear M. de Histangua, (She moves up c and opens the door) Homenwes. Adios, madame. Good-bye. Lucienne (moving down Rc) Que tienes, querido mio? Que te pasa por que me pones una cara asi? (What has happened to you, darling? Why do you make that face?) Homentes. Te aseguro que no tengo nada! (J can assure you nath= ing has happened to me!) ‘Lucienne. What an impossible creature! (Raymonpe and Lucrenne exit up ¢) Homentwes (moving down 1) She rejects me! Without thame! (Moving up .) Thore! Thrumpet! (Knocking is heard off down t) (Moving down t) Thut up—or I fire! ig P (Tourwex enters up 1 and moves above the table) Tovrne. Isn’t Chandebise in here? Homentes. The other man! Tournel! (Moving up to Tournel) No, Senor. He is not here. Tourne. All right, if you see him be so good as to tell him I’ve left all the proposal forms in his office. He’s only got to sign them. Homentes. Buend! Bueno! Tournex (moving up c) I simply can’t wait any longer. Homenipes (following him) Go! Go on! Go! Go—or I'll... Tournet. Or you'll what? Homemtes. Nada, Senor. Absolutely nada!, (Moving above the table) Go then. You'd better go. Tournet. All right. Curious individual. Good day. (Tourwen exits up c) Ab—I’m choking. I need a drink. (He drinks from the glass on the mantelpiece) Filthy French drink! (He puts the glass on the table and moves down 1) (Came enters up 1 and moves down c) CAmtz. Monsieur Histangua, All alone? (He offers his hand) Homenwes (grabbing him by the throat and swinging him down L) You... ! Oh, you. So happy you're here. I’m going now. Camitz, Oh, yes! gemsActI A FLEA IN HER EAR ay Homeniwes. When I go I authorize you—to unlock your mathiter Came. My mathter? Homestpes (collecting his stick, gloves and hat from the sofa) Oh, thameless! Lustful! Lecher! Who would think my mujer would think toa lover! (Homenwes exits c) Cammiz, My mujer think to a lover! You can’t understand a word he says, My mathter? What mathter? (He unlocks the door 1) You...? (Crranpesise enters down t) Cuanpesise (in the doorway) Has he gone? Camtte. Who? Cuanpesise. Ho—-Homenides. Camiie. Yes. Cuanpepise. And—his wife? Cami, She went out with Raymonde. Cuanpesise. Good. And Tournel? Cammie, He’s just left. CHanpesise (crossing below Camille to c) Him, too. How terrible. There's not a moment to lose. Who can we send down there to stop them, I know—Etienne. (He moves up c) CAMILLE (moving up c) What's “down there”? Cuanpepise. Down there’s the—Place. The what-do-you-call-it? —*down there”. Good God, we're sitting on a volcano. We're about to witness a ghastly tragedy. Perhaps—a double murder! Came. What are you talking about? Caanoavise, Look. (Swinging Camille to x of him and moving ic) T've got time to run round to Tournel’s before the dinner. My hat! Where’s my hat? Canaite, What on earth’s happening? Cuanpesisz. No time to explain. Tf Tournel comes back—tell him not to go. He knows where. His life’s at stake. CamILte. His life’s at stake? Cuanpentse. Understand? (Moving down L) His life’s at. . - Canmzz. Yes, yes. Stake. Chanoesisz, What dramas! Oh, my God! What dramas! (Cuanpepise exits down 1) Cammure (moving down R) 1 fee! it in my bones—something’s going on, (Tournex enters ¢) Tournen. I left my brief-case . . . (He moves to the table L) Gawinre (crossing to x of Tournel) Monsieur Tournel! Tournex. Here it is. (He picks up his case) Cantur, For God’s sake. Don’t go you know where. Your life’s at stake! Tourwex, What did you say?28 A FLEA IN HER EAR AcrI Came (pushing Tournel round to the door up c) Don’t go you know where. Your life’s at stake. Tournex. Let me alone! I can’t understand a word you say. (He moves to the door up 2) ‘CAMILLE (moving up stage) Monsieur Tournel! Monsieur Tournel! Tournex. To hell with you! Good-bye! (Tournex exits up c, slamming the door) CAMILLE (moving to the mantelpiece) My roof. Oh, dear God! My silver roof . . . (Seeing the glass on the table) There you are! (He puts the palate in his mouth and speaks normally) Monsieur Tournel! (Moving up c) Monsieur Tournel! (CHANDEBISE enters down L) Citanpesise (moving below the table)’ Who are you yelling at? Camitte (moving down c; speaking clearly) At Monsicur Tournel. I’ve never known such an uncouth fellow! I gave him your message perfectly clearly. He simply wouldn’t listen. Curanvesise. My God! He spoke! CAMILLE (running up c) Monsieur Tournel! Monsieur Tournel! Listen to me, Monsieur Tournel! Came exits up o, leaving the doors open, as the lights Black-Out and the Curtain fallsACT IT Scene-—The Hotel Coq d’Or in Montretout. Evening. “A staircase to 1 of c leads to a landing and the upper rooms. Below this is @ passage leading off up ©. Another corridor up 1 leads to other rooms in the hotel, and a door down 1 to Schwarz’s bedroom. The R side of the stage is taken up by a small bedroom, the door to which is down stage in the dividing wall. A door down R in the bedroom leads to a bathroom. The bed is on a low rostrum RG, and is on a revolve. When this is turned, a ‘similar bed is moved on from a second room which is up stage of the first. The door to this second room is above the other door in the dividing wall. When the Currain rises, Bucénte is discovered standing on the chair down cleaning the door, FERAILLON enters up L, crossing to the bedroom door. Ferattton. Eugénie! (He enters the bedroom) Eugénie! Eucénte. Yes, sir? FrratLion. What are you doing? Eucénte. I'm finishing the room, sir. FERAILLON. You call this room done, do you? Evoénte (getting off the chair) Looks all right to me. (She replaces the chair down R) Ferarion. Do you call this a made bed? It looks as if it’s been used once or twice since this morning. Evoénte. Fancy that! Ferartion. Are you implying that there’s something dubious about this hotel. Eucénre, Oh, I'd never say that! (Oivmee enters from the corridor c with linen and moves down 1.0) Ferattion. I tell you this is a respectable establishment! Only married couples come here. EvcéNie, But not at the same time! (Oty puts the linen on the table down 1 and looks in the mirror) | Ferat.tox. Mind your own business, If they’re both married, it is twice as respectable. Now let’s get this bed straightened. EvcEnte. Oh, for heaven’s sake! Feramion, e's a matter of urgency! (He moves to the stairs) Evcéniz, He gets on your nerves. (She tidies the bed) Otyups, What are you on about, Feraillon. Feraiion. That girl needs a sharp lesson. If I'd had her under me in the regiment, I'd have made her jump about a bit. (Bucénre exits x) Oxympe. Now then, Feraillon.go A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II (Bapristin enters from the corridor & and tiptoes to the bedroom up c) Feratton. Oh, I'd have made her double up, about turn. I’m not making any innuendocs. O ype. I should hope not! Frrattion. I can’t stand that type of conversation. (He swings Baptistin down t, to R of Olympe) Where’ve you sprung from? Some filthy bar, I suppose . . . Baptistin. Me? FERAILLON. It’s five o'clock. On sentry go! (Crossing below Baptistin tov of him) Do you want to work or not? Bapristin, Yes. Ferattion. All right. Go to bed! (Seizing Baptistin by the collar) Here’s a perfectly useless individual, offered a golden opportunity to be bedridden with the rheumatics, and I pay him for it! Why? Be- cause I’ve got too much family feeling to leave an old uncle of mine in the gutter. And how does he repay me? By creeping out in the afternoons. By hanging round the bars. . . Baptistin. Listen. Feramton. Filthy, depraved, drinking dens which should be closed in the name of public morality. And if we needed a ghastly old wreck in your absence, who'd have taken your place, you ghastly old wreck? Not me, I do assure you! What would we do in a sudden emergency? Who'd have saved us from a nasty case of in flagrante? Bartistin. But I knew... FERAILLON. Silence on parade! And go to your room. To bed! (Baprisrin exits up c) My family’s doing all right. All take and no give... (Scuwanz enters down 1 and moves to Feraillon) Scuwarz. Hat ein schénes, kleines Miidchen nach mir gefragt? Ferattion. What! Scawanz (turning and moving R of Olympé) Hat ein sch6nes, kleines Madchen nach mir gefragt? Onympe, Gefragt? No gefragt at all. (Sonwanz exits down 1) FErAatLon (moving down c) What did he say? Ovmee, I have a feeling he’s looking for someone. Feraitton. It's morbid, Chattering away in Prussian! I don’t talk like that to him. Oxympe, He doesn’t know our language. Feraition, That's no excuse! I don’t know his. (Euoknte enters R with @ jug, and moves c) Oxymre, Poor fellow. He’s come here three times and every time he’s been let down, FeRatLton. Ifhe behaves like that with women I can understand it.ings stin Acr IT A FLEA IN HER EAR 3h Otymre. There you are, then! (Picking up the linen) I'll pop these up in the linen cupboard. Feration, Let the girl do that, Eugénie! Evotnt. Yes? Feramtion. Is the bedroom done? Evcénte (moving below the stairs) Oh, yes, sir. FERAIL1on (moving R of the stairs) It’s always done when you want it done, Evoénre. And when it’s done it’s always ready to be done again. FERAILLON. Quite enough of your philosophy. There’s a pile of sheets! Take them up to the linen cupboard. Evucénre. Me? FERAILLoN. Who else? (BucEnre moves 1. and takes the linen) Eucénte, Donkey work! (She starts up the stairs) Otympe. While I think of it. Don’t let that room. It’s reserved specially. FERAILLON (moving down c) Who for? (He sits on the stool and lights a cigar) Oxympe. Monsieur Chandebise. (Taking a telegram from her garter and moving c) You remember him? Evoénte. Oh, yes. The gentlemen that Halked Hike Hat? Oxymre. That's him, (Euatnre moves down c and looks over Olympe’s 1. shoulder) Feraiion. He’s coming today. Oxympe, Yes, Here’s his telegram. All right, Eugénie. Evcénte. Oh, yes, madame, Thanks for asking. Otyape. I mean. All right! That will be all... Evcénte, Oh, yes. Sorry (Facing front) How very embarrassing! (She moves up ©) Otymee, Go up the back stairs. Then you won’t bump into our clients with your pile of sheets. Evcénte. Yes, madame. (Evotsre exits upstairs) Oymre, Here’s what the telegram says—“Keep me same room as last time. Five o'clock. Signed Chandebise.” This is the one he had last time. FerAaition (rising) That's all right. (Entering the downstage bedroom) Pll just inspect the quarters, That's better. Oxympe (following him) What about the bathroom? The bath+ room's vital! : (Oxyupe exits R) Feraition. And our camouflage system! Make sure my old idiot uncle’s on duty. (He presses a button u of the bed) (The bed revolves, revealing BAPTISTIN in the upstage one) \ | F #32 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II Baprisrin. My rheumatism. I’m a martyr to it. Can’t move hand or foot... FeraiLion. Not now, you fool! It’s only me! Barristin. You! You're always on at me; but here I am. Manning my post. FERAILLON (pressing the button) That’s what I pay you for. (The bed revolves, OLYMPE enters R) (As the bed turns; to Baptistin) We'll file you away for future reference, All present and correct, (Moving below the stairs) Where’s Poche? Otympe (following to c) In the cellar, getting the wood up. Ferattion. In the cellar? Poche? Are you out of your mind, area You know his one weakness, and you send him down to the cellar. Otympe, The wine’s locked up. He’s quite safe. Feratton. If you knew the old beggar! It’s no good him saying he’s broken himself of the habit. I know him of old, Had him under me in the regiment. Good as gold Monday to Saturday—but straight after Church Parade, the Sunday morning piss up! OtyMre (moving R of Feraillon) It’s fashionable—on Sundays. Ferattton. He started the fashion. Did I put him on a charge? Oh, no. I preferred to give him a beautiful hiding which kept him straight till the following Saturday. Then, on Sunday, he’d start all over again. Apart from that he was a credit to the Service, honest, hard-working . . . and, thank God, loyal! Oh, I could chase that one! It was a real pleasure to knock him about. Whenever I got my boot to him, he was a perfect gentleman. Oty (putting her hand over his shoulder) You give such beautiful beatings... Feratuion. Well, yes. I had a certain talent, in that direction, (Moving ic) I'm getting past it now. But he’s the sort of servant I like, Not this modern type of domestic you have to go down on your knees and beg them to do you a favour. When I discovered Poche had drunk himself out of the army and was selling matches up the Champs Elysées, I gave him a job at once! Oxympe. You're a good boy. (Pocute enters by the corridor c, and salutes) Feraitton. Talk of the devil! What was it, Poche? Pocue (holding out a telegram) Dispatches from the front, chief. FERAILLON (crossing below Olympe and taking the telegram) Dispatches from the front! Right! Thanks. My God, you're an ugly-looking brute these days, Poche. You finished staring at me, half-wit? Chandebise again. (Reading) “Keep me a good room . . .” (Evotate enters downstairs and moves . of Pocke) Oxympe. He's got one! FERAILLON. “And show anyone in who asks for it in my name.” Got it, you pair of . . . ? If anyone asks for the room reserved for Chandebise, show them in there!Acr IL A FLEA IN HER EAR 33 Evcéne. All right. Poche. Orders received and understood, chief! Feraiton. To your posts! (Bucénre exits up L. Pocus stand still) (Catching Poche by the . arm and swinging him round to face the stairs) Are you deaf, you stinking Cossack? Pa-rade dis—miss! Happy as a babe inborn. He loves me! Wake up—get moving! (He kicks Poche) (Pocste moves up two stairs) By the right! Hipe—hipe! (Pocue exits upstairs) O yms. He’s harmless, anyway. (Scarwanz enters down 1. and crosses above Feraillon to R of him) Scnwarz. Entschuldigen Sie mich, bitte, ein Fraiilein, ist ein hiibsches, junges Fraiilein fir mich gekommen? Feraitton. What! Scuwarz (crossing below Feraillon to t of him) Ein hiibsches, junges Fraiilein—fiir mich? Feraitton. No, I don’t think so. Scuwanz (moving down 1 to the door) Donnerwetter nocheinmal— (turning in the doorway)—danke schén. (Scnwanz exits down v) Otyes, ‘The demon lover! FERAILLON. Damn jack in the box. Otympe. Makes you jump out of your skin. (Fuvacute enters by the corridor c) Finacute. Good afternoon, Colonel. FERAILON | (ispethy) { Hullo, Doctor. Oxvure —f (98¢ter) > Afternoon, Doctor. Finactie (rioving to Olympe and kissing her hand) My dear Madame Feraillon, Have you got a room for me? (Ferar.ron moves down c) Otympe. Always one for you, Doctor. Finacue, No-one’s—asked for me? Ferattton. Not yet, Doctor. FInacue, Just as well . . . Otyare. We haven’t seen you for more than a month. Finacue. I’ve been flitting from flower to flower. FERAILLON, That’sno good. You must be faithful. Fivacue, But not always to the same girl. FerarLon. I mean faithful to us. . « Finacue, That’s better. Ferattion. If you were faithful in love—we'd be out of business. Finacue, How true. (Moving up stage and back) Coming in here—it's like going into an enchanted forest! I didn’tsee your man at the desk. sii icin coer34 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr IT Otympe. Poche? Finacue. What, Poche? No, Gabriel. Feraitton. You didn’t know? It’s been so long! He was dismissed the service! Finacue. Oh, why? He was so decorative . . . FERAILLON (moving close to Finacke) Too damned decorative. Otynps (moving close to Finache) He started having affairs with the clients, Finacue, You don’t say... Feraition. We can’t have that. A man’s got to feel safe to briny his mistress here without having her snaffled by the uniformed staff. We've got our reputation... FINACHE (moving R to the stool down c) Of course you have. Ferattton. You must have discipline! Speaking as an old soldier . Fivacie. So he’s a genuine colonel. (He sits) Otywpe. Perfectly genuine! Ferattion. Ex-Regimental Sergeant-Major Feraillon of the ‘Twenty-ninth Foot. That's why they call me colonel. Finacne. In civil life... FERaILion. Oh, in civil life what’s a rank or two, here or there? What do you think, my dear? Number Ten for the doctor? Oxympe, Yes... (She moves to the stairs) Frvacue (rising) Isn’t Number Five free? Feraition. Afraid not. (OLympE goes up the stairs), Finacue. Oh, dear Fratton. Number Ten has all the same—facilities. Fivacue. Number Ten'll have to do. Oxympe. I'll get it ready for you. FERAILLON (turning and blowing kisses to Olympe) You do that, my little angel. (Oye returns the kisses, and exits) Finacue, What a perfect gem she is! Ferattion. A very genuine type of woman. Finacue (moving c) I often feel—I’ve scen her before. Ferattox. Oh, yes, Didn’t you ever hear of the beautiful Castana? Her they used to call “The Copper-Bottomed Contessa”? Fivacne. The name's familiar. . . Ferat.ton. She was the Due de Choisel’s mistress—for many years. Finacie. Wasn’t there a Freemason’s dinner, where she was served up stark naked with the peche melba? On a silver plate— with sponge fingers! pe zRattton. You've hit itt That's her, That's my wife! I married er Fivacue. Congratulations! Feraition. She fell for me when I was a sergeant of the Twenty-Acr Il A FLEA IN HER EAR 35 ninth, T was a handsome young fellow. Anyway, she always relished something in uniform. Fivacue, The Copper Bottomed—of course! FeRaition. That's it! She—she wanted me to live off her . . - Fivacue. Really? Feeartton. I didn’t fancy it. Well, she had a bit in the bank, and her powerful attractions, and her reputation of course. I tell you, She Wasa catch! So, I proposed marriage, and we worked it out that way. FinacHe (moving to the stool down ¢)” Good for you! (He sits) Faxaion. I made my position quite clear. From now on, T said, orgies are out! And no more gentlemen. (Moving 0) I don’t know about you, but when I take a wife, gentlemen are definitely out of the question. Finacus. I think you're perfectly right. FERAILLon (moving Lc) Respectability! I told her, from now on. So we opened up this little business. Finacke (rising) You're a wise man! FErait.on, We live pretty modestly. Putting by for our old age. I was thinking about what you mentioned the other day, life in- surance! Finacne (moving c) You're coming round to it. Frraittow. I'm forty-four now, and Madame Feraillon’s'fifty- two, give or take a little. Fivacee, Good! They say there should be seven or eight years between a husband and wife .. . Frraitton. It might be better if the wife was younger Finacne, if there’s no alternative, it’s got to be the husband. Frnaitton, Obviously! Now if I can insure my poor darling, so that when she passes away . . - Fivacue, Insure her! At fifty-two. You'd be much cheaper. Feraitton, I don’t care which. Just so long as when she dies . . . Finacke, No! It'd be when you die... : Frraitton. When I die? Oh, I’m not thinking of myself it’s her I'm worried about . . . Finacse. We'll work something out. Come and see us. FeratLton. When? (Onymer. enters downstairs to the landing) Fivacue, Any morning, I’m there from ten to eleven. The French branch of the Boston Life Assurance Company. Ninety-five Boule- vard Malesherbes . . « FERAILLON. Boulevard Malesherbes. Who do I ask for? Finacue, Our managing director. I'll warn him. Feraiion. Very kind of you. Otympe, Would you like to see the room, Doctor? Finacne (going upstairs) Of course I'd like to sec it, I’m longing to see it! Let me know as soon as anyone asks for me. (Fivace exils upstairs, Ovvmre. follows) Feraition. Love! It’s a beautiful thing! 4 i i ' i36 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II (Scuwanz enters down 1) Scuwarz. Haben Sic ein schines Fraulein fiir mich? Feraition. Stop doing that! Scuwarz. Ein hibsches, kleines Madchen? Feramion. Shut your hole! Scuwanz. Bitte? Feraition. Shut your hole! Scuwarz. Schart—ja—hohl? FERAILLON (moving L lo Scharz) That's right—I have the honour to request you to shut your hole, (Ravwonpe enters c. She is veiled) Scuwanz (shaking Feraillon’s hand) Ach so! Jawohl! Schart ja hohl! (Raymonpe moves down stage) Feraition.: It’s a pleasure. ScHwanz (seeing Raymonde) Ach! Freude! FeralLion. At your service, madame. Raymonpr. You have a room booked for Monsieur Chandebise? Ferattion. This way, madame, (He goes to the bedroom down R) (RavMonpe starts to follow, but is stopped c by Scuwarz, who dances round her, from below, to R, then above and to 1. of her, singing) Scuwarz. Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, sechs, sieben, acht, Neun, zehn, elf, zuélf, Ich werde auf dich warten! (Sonwanz dances off t) Raymonpe (shaken) Insane? Feraiuon (returning to x of Raymondé) No, madame. Merely Prussian. Here for the Exhibition, RayMonne (moving down t) Exhibition, cheeky fellow! (Taking off her veil) No-one’s asked for the room yet? Feratton. No, No-one. Bless my soul. Aren’t you the lady who called this morning. If I'm not very much mistaken. Rayonpe. What? Feraton. I knew my tact and discretion would impress you, madame. Testing us out, were you? I thought you planned to bring a customer, but not so soon, RayMonbe. Please! Don’t imagine that . . . FERAILLON (moving to the bedroom door and opening it) Say no more. If madame would be so good. (RayMonpe enters the bedroom. FERattion follows) Raywonpe. Huh! FERAILLON. It’s our most comfortable room, madame. (Moving to the bed) The bed . . Raymonpé (moving down c) I don’t want anything to do with the bed!Acr IL A FLEA IN HER EAR 37 Feraitton. Oh, well! Pervert! (He opens the door n) Here's the bathroom, complete with hot and cold, bath, bidet, shower . RavMonve. Thank you. I have no intention of moving in. Faraiton, Well! Now there’s this little convenience I'd like to show madame. Comes in very useful in a sudden case of in flagrante, On each side of the bed madame will find a button . . . RavMONDE (moving down x) I can see it for myself. Please leave me alone. Ferarion. But, madame . RayMonpE. I don’t need you any more . . . FEraiton’ (moving to the bedroom door) Well—all right then. Always at your service, (He bows and enters the room 1) RayMonpe. Good-bye! Tactless fellow! (RaymonpE exits R) Feraiion. Stuck-up bitch! Poche! (Pocus enters downstairs with a log basket) Pocue. Yes, Chief! Ferattion. Finished lugging the logs? Pocus. Report for orders, Chief! Ferat.ton (moving down t) Get your uniform on. This isn’t the place for it, It’s time for the customers to arrive. On parade! (Number 4 rings on the buzzer board) Pocus. Yes, chief. FeratLion (moving to the board) Someone's ringing. It’s that Prussian. Go and see what he wants. Poon, Yes, chief. (He puts the basket x of the stairs and opens the door down 1) Scuwarz (of) Herein! (Pocue exits L, TOURNEL enters up ©) TourneL, Good evening. Which is Monsieur Chandebise’s room? FERAILLON (indicating the bedroom) ‘This way, sir. Pardon me for mentioning it, but you're not Monsieur Chandebise. Tournet. I’m here to—represent his interests . . - Feraitton. Oh, yes—the telegram said we were to let in whoever asked for the room in his name. Madame’s already there. Tournet, Ah—and how does she look? Ferattion. Do you really need my opinion? Tournex. As a matter of fact—I don’t actually know her. Feraiion. Ah? _ Tourwen. So, before I get involved—what’s she look like? Long in the tooth? Feraition. Oh, no. Cheer up, sir. She may not have the sweetest character in the world, but she’s certainly pretty. ‘Tournet. I didn’t come here for her character . . . Feratnion. Of course you didn’t. (Knocking and entering the bed- room) Well, now, here’s the room . . .38 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr IT (Tournet enters the bedroom) Scuwarz (gf) Schnell! (Pocue enters L and moves up Re) Pocue, Coming right away, sir, He asked for a “shut ya hole”, God knows what this is, I'll give him a vermouth! (Pocne picks up the log basket and exits up ©) —r——Ci‘ == knocks on the door ®) Raymonpe (off) Who’s that? Feraiion. Your gentleman’s arrived. Raymonpe (aff) Good! Fenattion (crossing Tournel to the bedroom door) Madare’s in there. Tournet. Excellent. FeRAILon (going upstairs) Good luck, sir! (FERAILLON exits upstairs) Tournet. Thanks, Well. Thisis all very pleasant, Nicely done up. Oh, the bells. If you’re bored there’s always target practice. Now. know what’s expected of me, but I don’t know how to make it new. What about -.-? Yes. I'll play a boyish prank. (He lies on the bed and covers himself up) (RayMonDE enters R) Ravmonpe. So! There you . . . Well, where is he? Tournet. Cuckoo! _Raymonpe, Cuckoo. (Moving to the bed) You wait! TourneL, Cuckoo! RAYMONDE (pulling the coverlet off) Take that! (She slaps Tournel and moves down ®) Tournet. Oh! Raymonps. It’s not him! Tournet. Raymonde, it’s you! Raymonpe. Monsieur Tournel! TOURNEL (rising and moving towards Raymonde) If 1’d only known. Such a wonderful surprise. RAYMONDE. What on earth are you doing here? TourneL. What’s it matter what I’m doing here? (Moving c) It’s a great love story. A girl—is besotted with me. She saw me at 6 theatre and of course—the lightning struck! She wrote to me, and, out of the goodness of my heart... RayvMonbe. How wrong you are! TouRNeL, What's the matter, anyway? (Moving x to Raymonde) T don’t know her! I don’t even love her. But ‘as for you—oh, my dream! My dream come true! There you are! In the flesh! All mine. The Gods are on my side. (He puts his arm round her waist) RAYMONDE (crossing below him to c) Take your hands off me! TourneL. No! No! RayMONDE. The letter wasn’t for you! It was for my husband!Acr I A FLEA IN HER EAR 39 Tourwet. Oh, come now. That’s hardly very likely. I mean, he really is rather unattractive, not to say hideous. It’s just that we were sitting together and this girl got us—muddled up and . . . Raymonpe. You're wrong again! J wrote the letter to my hus- band! é TourneL. You did? t Raymonve. Absolutely! TourneL. You write love letters—to your husband? Raymonpe. I wanted to know if he’d been unfaithful—if he'd turn up here. TourneL. You see! You wouldn’t have me because he was un- i faithful! He sent me so he’s obviously faithful. i Raymonve. I suppose that’s true. : Tournet. You know what he said, when he got the letter, your Jetter—he said, “What does this woman want with me? Doesn’t she know I’d never be unfaithful to my wife?” Raymonpe. He said that? Tournet. Yes! Rayaonve. Oh, I'm so happy! (She kisses Tournel) So happy! TouRnen (returning the kiss) Oh, Raymonde, my darling, Now— aren’t you sorry you ever doubted him? You were wrong to suspect him, And you've no right not to deceive him! Poor dear fellow! Raymonne. Of course—you're right! It was horrible of me to suspect him. My dear Chandebise. It was too bad of me. Please, try and forgive me. Tournet. (encircling her waist) Don’t apologize. Just be mine! Ravuonpe (flopping in his arms) That'll be my punishment! Tournen (kissing her all over) Oh, Raymonde. I love you! I love you! Raymonde, my Raymonde! Raymon (breaking free and moving down R) Please, Tournel! Let me think for a moment! i Tourn (following and grabbing her) Don’t think at all! Strike ‘ while the iron’s hot! Raymonve. Monsieur Tournel! Half a minute . . « Tournet. Seize the moment—now, when our senses are in- flamed—almost unbearably. We're off! (Pulling her to the bed) Come on! Come on... RAayMonpE. What? Where are you taking me? Toure, There—where happiness is waiting for us. Raymonpe. What? There! Are you mad? (Breaking away) What do you take me for? (Tourwex falls on the bed. Ravmonpe moves down ©) j i Tournet, But I clearly understood that you agreed Raymonbe (moving down R) To be your mistress, yes! go to bed with you! Do you think I’m a prostitute? Tournex. Well, what are we going to do? Raymonpe. We will have—a flirtation. Exchange looks, hold hands, I'll give you the best part of myself! Toure. Which part? But not to40 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II Ravaonve. My head—and my heart. TourneL. Oh! Pfhtt! RavMonbe, What else had you in mind? Tounnen (vising and moving 1 of her) The thoughts of every true lover, What? When all the forces of nature are drawing us together. When even your husband throws me at you! After all it was your husband -who sent me . . RavMonbe. My husband! Tounwer, Yes. Your husband. You're the only one who's com- plaining. Look here, Madame Chandebise, you're in minority. RaoNDE (moving below him to c) Monsieur Tournel. Please. calm down! Hrougwet, Do you think that'll satisfy me? Flirting? Exchanging looks? Half of you! And the wrong half. . - Raymonpe. Monsieur Tournel . . . ! TOURNeL, What can I do with your head and your heart? Ravmonne (facing front) Oh! TereNe (pacing up and down ®) No! It's a fine look-out for met Withering inva vacuum! Continually frustrated! My reward? Little Walks with madame. Taking the dog out when he feels the urge— to be taken out! (Moving c) Never! No! No! No! Ravmonpe. Monsieur Tournel . .. | RANENEL, No! No! No! Since you don’t seem to know the first rules of this game I’ll have to instruct you! RAvMONDE. My dear friend . . « eae eet, Do you think I'll be made a fool of, in front of myself Do you think Ill creep out of here the same poor idiot I came in... RavMONDE. Monsieur Tournel : . . please . . « ,r—r—sseesesS__e below him and up to the bed) And 1 want you! Ravmonpe. Now then, Monsieur Tournel! Tournet. No! No! Rovwonpe (pushing Tournel x. and kneeling on the bed) One step and Tring . . . (She pushes the button) (The bed revolves, bringing on Barristis) ‘Tournen. Oh, ring! Please do! Wear out your finger! No-one’ll come in here. RAYMONDE (as she disappears) Help! Tournen (facing front, taking off his coat) You can shout for help all you want! (Leaping on top of Baptistin) You're mine! I want you! Pivtake you! Oh, Raymonde . .. My pretty one... | Ab! (He leaps up and grabs his coat) Baptistix. Oh, my rheumatics! TourneL Whatever's that? Baptistin. My poor rheumatics . . « Tournet. Who let you in? Bartistin. What? . Tournet (looking out of the bedroom door c) And Raymonde. Where's she? Raymonde! (Returning nc) Raymonde! Raymonde!Acr II A FLEA IN HER EAR al Raymonde! Where are you? She's gone! Vanished into thin air. Gavte back! Come back to me, my darling! Raymonde! (Moving R) Don’t disappear! (Tourngx exits R, RAYMONDE enters, from the upstage bedroom) Ravmonpe, Oh, my God! What's happened? Where am T? (Moving .) Monsieur ‘Tournel! Monsieur Tournel! No! T've had enough of this hotel. I'm getting out! (RayMonpe. exits up c. SCHWARZ enters L) Scuwarz, Hallo! Kellner! Hier ist niemand! Kellner! Kellner! (Raywonpe enters up c and runs down stage) Raymonpe, My husband! My husband on the staircase! (RavmonvE runs off down L) Scuwarz. Ach, mein Schatz, Herrlich! (Scuwarz follows Raymond. Pocue enlers up ¢) Pocus, I can’t find the vermouth. I gave it to Baptistin yesterday. (Going to the upstage bedroom) Baptistin. You there? Barristin. Here I am! Pours (enlering the downslage bedroom) ‘Tell me, old man, what have you done with the vermouth? Barristin. In the next room. You know. On the cupboard. Pocue. Oh, good. (Pocue exits into the upstage bedroom. ‘TourneL enters R) Tourer, No-one there! Where is she? Vanished into thin air! (He moves c, as if to exit by the corridor up ©) RavMonbe (off) Stop it at once! I don’t even know you} (RavmonDeE enters 1, followed by Scawarz) Tourer. Ah! (He comes down stage between them) RavMonbe. Please stop doing that! Let me alone! Scuwarz. Mein Liebling, geh’ nicht! Ravmonne, Sex maniac! (She turns, slaps Tournel, then goes into the bedroom) Tournet. Not again! Scuwarz. Danke schon! (Scuwanz clicks heels and exits t) ‘Tournet. Bitte, schon, Raymonde! Raymonde! (He goes into the bedroom) RAavMonvE (sitting down R) It’s all too much. My husband . . - Tournet. Yes. Raymonpg. My husband’s here! Tournex (moving to Raymonde) Oh, yes. What? Chandebise? inant an42 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II Ravmonpe (rising) Victor Emanuel. Disguised as a servant. (Moning 0) What for? God knows! To spy on us I'm sure of that. « TourneL. It’s not true! Baprisrin. My rheumatics! My poor . . . Raymonpe. Ah! TourneL. What? Raymonpe,. In.God’s. name! What’s that? TourneL. What? Oh, him. God knows. Some sort of invalid. He suddenly appeared! What the hell are you doing here? Bapristi. But you brought me in. Tournet. Did I? Raymonpe, Get rid of him! Get rid of him at once . .. Tournex. I quite agree. Go on! Get out of here! Bapristin, If I’m in the way press that button. Then I'll go back where I came from. Tourne (pressing the button) Certainly, Right away. (The bed revolves, bringing on Pocue, with a bottle) RayMonpe. That's the limit! Bringing on spectators! Tournex (moving down to Raymonde) I promise you. I had nothing to do with it. PockE. Oi! Oi! What's happening now? RavMonve (moving down R, facing front) Oh, my God! Tournex (facing front) Chandebise! RayMonve, My husband. I’m lost. . « Tourner. (moving 1 of the bed) My dear old friend! You mustn’t believe all you see! : RavMonbe (moving x of the bed) Don’t pass judgement before you've heard us out! Pocne. What's that? TourneL. Appearances are perhaps against us. But we're com- pletely innocent! Rasuonpe, He’s telling the truth! We never expected to meet one another... Tournex. It was all the fault of the letter... Raymonpe. I started it all. I wrote it because . . . Tournex (kneeling) You sce? It’s perfectly true. RAYMONDE (Aneeling and putting her hand on Pocke’s knee) Forgive met I thought you were deceiving me! Pocne. Me? Rayonpe. Tell me you believe me! That you don’t doubt my word! Pocue, Ofcourse. Of course. (Laughing) Have they gone mad? Raymone (backing down R, her hand to her heart) I beg you, Victor Emmanuel! Don’t laugh in that horrible cruel way. You hurt me SO... Pocue. You don’t like my laugh? RayMonpe. I can see—you don’t believe me. TouRNEL, ‘The circumstantial evidence may be slightly against us.Acr IT A FLEA IN HER EAR 43 RayMonve. My God? How can we convince you? Pocne (rising and moving towards the door c) Listen. I’m sorry but I’ve got to take the vermouth to Number Four. RAYMONDE (takes his arm and draws him down ¢) Victor Emmanuel! What's wrong with you? Pocue. Me? Tournet. I beg of you, my old friend, At a time like this, don’t let's speak of vermouth! Poors. But Number Four’s waiting for it! Look, here’s the bottle! Raymonpg. Enough of this play-acting. (She kneels c) Please. Hurt me! Punish me! Beat me! Anything better than this icy calm. Tourn (rising and kneeling a few paces x of Raymonde) Yes! Beat me, too! Pocue (moving below Raymonde to between her and Tournel) If you insist. But I assure you, madame . . . Raymonpe. Madame! Madame! No longer your little Ray- monde... Pocue, What? Raymonpe. Call me Raymonde . . . TourneL. Please... Pocwe. What? All right. (He kneels between them) I'd like to. But I assure you, madame . . . Tournet. Not madame, Not like a—business letter. Pocue. Right! I assure you, Raymonde . . . Raymonpg. Oh, God! Tell me you believe me! Pocue. Oh, yes. I believe you. Tournex. At last. Raymonps, Kiss me then, darling. Aren’t you going to kiss me? Pocus. What, me? Raymonve. Kiss me! Then I’ll believe you still want me. Pocue (moving on his knees to Raymonde) Oh, I want you all right. (He kisses her) Raymonpe. Ah... Tournet ‘That’s the way! Raymonve. Thank you! Thank you! (She kisses Poche's hand) Pocue. Lovely silky skin! Tournet (rising and facing Poche) Me, too! Kiss me, too! Poone (rising) You, too? Tournex. Then I'll know you believe me! Pocne, All right. (Facing fron!) My God, he’s a bit keen! (He kisses Tournel) Tournet. Now I feel better. Pocre. Me, too. But I liked it best with the lady. Raymonpe.. “The lady.” . Pocut (moving above Raymonde to the bedroom door c) Now I’m really going to take the vermouth to Number Four. Ravmonve (rising) Oh, not again! Tournet. Look, what's this private joke? Ravonpe (stopping Poche 1 of the bed) Are you my husband or not?44 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II Pocne. Me? Of course not, I'm the hall porter. (Raymonpe and Tourner. back to x of the bed) Tournet. What? Raysonbe. Victor Emmanuel—with a brain-storm! Pocus, Not at all. Dear lady, it’s all perfectly simple. You see, my name’s Poche! (He presses the button) If you don’t believe me you can ask Baptistin! (The bed revolves bringing on Barnistin) Raymon (moving down c) Baptisti Tournex (moving down x) Who's thi Pocus, The poor, sick gentleman. Bapristin. Oh, my rheumatics. My poor. . - Pocue (sitting on the bed) No need to go into all that! Just say who lam... Barrisriy. Why? Don’t you know? Pocue. It is for the lady's benefit. Ravmonpe. Yes. Who is this gentleman? Bartistin. He’s Poche, of course. TourneL \ (together) Poche! . « . Baptistin? RAYMONDE Bapristin. The hall porter. Pocue. What did I tell you? (Fratton énters downstairs) RayMonpe. For heaven’s sake, Could it be true? Ferattion. Poche! Poche! (Raymonpe moves to the bedroom door) Tourner. They can’t be twins. It’s not possible. Tes a trick... Feraitton. Poche! Where are you, Poche? Pocne (rising and trying fo pass Raymonde) Here, chief! I'm sorry. Call to arms! My superior officer! RAYMONDE (moving from the bedroom to R of Feraillon) Your superior! Now we'll see... « "TouRNEL. (pushing Poche up stage and following Raymonde) Get out of my way! (Pocue sits on the bed steps) RayMonpe. Please... (Pocus rises and moves to the bedroom door c) Ferattion. Yes? RAYMONDE (pointing at Poche) Tell us! Who is this gentleman? Tournex (pointing at Poche) Yes. Feration. That's Poche! Pocue, You see! ea (together) Poche! (They both drop their arms)Acr II A FLEA IN HER EAR 45 Feranton (orassing to Pooke and kicking him round in a full circle) Poche! Here, with a bottle in his hand! You dog's dinner! You animal! You soak! Pocss. See what I told you? Feraitcox. You starting up again? Ramone (together) What? Poone. But it’s for Number Four. FERATLLon (taking the bottle from Poche and kicking him round again) T'll give you Number Four. Pocur, Yes, chief. Ferartion. Take that! Pooi, You seo— Frrattiow. And that! Poors, —just as I told you— Ferartio. And that! Poci. —I could only be Poche! Feraiton. And get the hell out of here at the double! (Pocue exits up ¢) So sorry about that. My porter’s a sort of alcholic mess. (FERAMLON exits up £) Ravmonpe. The porter? Tournet. Raymonde! Raymonpe. What? Tournet. We have kissed the hall porter. Raymon. Just what I was thinking. Tournex. I'm shattered! As like as two peas. Is it possible? Raymonpe, But—Iook at what happened! Those kicks! Victor Emmanuel might want to fool me, but he'd surely never stand being kicked up the. . . . Tournex Back. Raymonpe. Yes. Tournet. Obviously. Raymonpe (moving to the stool down c) All this emotion! I’m dry as a bone. (Sitting) For pity’s sake—water! Tournex (searching his pockets) Where did I put it? RaymonE, In the bedroom! (She rises) : Tournet (moving into the bedroom) Water! Yes, for God’s sake, water. Where's water? Barristin, In the bathroom, Tournet. Thanks. (Tourwex exits R, Ravoonpe enters the bedroom) Raymone. Can you imagine? My husband a hall porter! (She sits down R) (Pocne enters c with a full log basket and moves to the stairs, Evoénie enters downstairs, Pocwte drops a log on the stairs)46 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II Baprisrin, That’s just like life—isn’t it? Pocue. Eugénie, put that back for me. Evotnte (doing so) There you are, love. Raymonpe. I must have water. (RAYMONDE exils R. CAMILLE and ANTOINETTE enler up C, Came leading her by the hand. He is now wearing the palate and his ‘speech is normal. As he speaks he moves down c, ANTOINETTE moves down t) Came. This way, my little chick. This is the scene of the crime, and your great big Camille’s going to love every delicious minute of it. They must have kept us a room! Pocue (moving between Camille and Antoinette) Can I help you, sir? Camaute. Yes, I want to know—Victor Emmanuel! (Came runs into the upstage bedroom c) Awromerre. Sir! (Anromerre runs off down 1) Pocue (going upstairs) What’s wrong with everyone today? They keep calling me Victor Emmanuel. (Pooue exits upstairs, Eucénte exits up L. TouRNEL and Ray- MONDE enter R) Tournet. Feeling better now? Ravmonbe (moving to the table below the door c) Yes! No! I don’t know. All this emotion! I think I’m going to faint. TouRNEL (moving to Raymonde) Please! Don’t! Raymonpe. I’m not doing it for pleasure! Tournex, Of course not. (Taking Raymonde to the bed) You ought to lie down'a moment. Come on, stretch out on the bed. Ravmonpe. I won’t say no. (She lies on Baptistin) pamowee} (together) Ab! (RavMonpeE jumps up and runs down ¢, TourNeL runs down R) Tournex. Whatever is it? What? You again! You're always here! Bapristin. But you brought me in! Raymonps. It’s too much. Don’t argue about it. Get rid of him! (Ske moves on to the bed steps) Tournex. (pressing the button) All right. Now! Back to where you belong! (The bed revolves bringing on Camut.te under the coverlet) Raymonpe. It’s very rude to keep whirling into people’s bed- rooms. (She falls on to Camille, then leaps up) Ah... ! TourNex (catching her) Look out! Here! Canmutz. What's happening? Help! It’s an earthquake! Oh, dear... ToUuRNEL Rave Y (together) Camille!Nor IT oc, ad his moves ‘ime, ite of , sir? They hay Acr IL A PLEA IN HER EAR 47 (Tournex and RavMonpE run from the bedroom to L0) Cawuie, I’m terribly sorry. My bed ran away with me. Ravonpe. It can’t be him. It speaks .. Tournex. It speaks, It’s not him! It’s not! Camus (rising) The bed ran away with me! Raymonve. Let's go. (RayMonpE exits up c) Tournex. Yes, Let’s go! (TourneL exits up c) Casatte (looking through the door c) Tournel and Raymonde! What're they up to? Suppose they recognized me! What's happened to Antoinette? (There is a commotion off down ) (Moving L) What's she doing in there? Antoinette! (He opens the door) Good God! (Cananie exits down L. RavMonpe enters up c, followed by Tour- NEL) ; Raymonpe. Etienne! Etienne’s here! Tournet. The butler! My God, what a circus! (Raywonpe and Tournet run off L. CAMILLE and ScHwARZ enter L. SCHWARZ backs CAMILLE to up LC, below the stairs) Scnwarz. Geh’ weg! Geh’ weg! Came, But excuse me, sir... Scuwarz. Ach, verpflucht! (He slaps Camille's face) (Casize’s palate falls on the floor) Geh’ doch weg, sage ich! ' Casniue (bending to pick it up) My palate! My palate! ; Scnwarz (grabbing Camille by the collar and pants) Na, also! (Kicking Camille towards the upstage bedroom) So ein Unverschamtheit! (Camanze, kicked by Scrrwarz, exits to the upstage bedroom) (Moving .) Ach! Ich bin’s, mein Liebling! (Scnwanz exits down L, ETIENNE enlers up C) Erignine. No-one about? (He picks up the palate) Quite'a nice bit of work. It’s damp . . . (Eucénre enters up t and moves to Etienne) Eucéne. Did you want something, sir? Enienne. Yes, miss, in the first place I've just found this valuable littlé object on the floor. For the moment I find its exact nature something ofa mystery...48 A FLEA IN HER EAR Aor IL (CAMILLE enters) Caste, Oh, dear, what has happened to my silver roof? Euetnie, What a funny looking thing! Sort of ancient Egyptian brooch. Camitze (facing front) My God! Etienne! (CAMILLE exits to the upstage bedroom) Buoénte, A lady must have dropped it. T'll hand it in downstairs. Heo te, Very right and proper. And now tell me, has there been a lady asking for Monsieur Chandebise’s room? Euoéne. Yes... Erne, And where is—this certain lady? Evaénte, Oh, I'm not allowed to tell . « « Bee NTE’ Trve got to see her! Her husband might intrude on her at any moment, He's a fiend and he'll certainly do her in. Evatnte. Good God! Emenne. I've got to warn her! Erne Tees like that-—T saw her go in there, (She points dose 1) Fee (putting on his hat and moving down L) Good enough! (He nocks) Scrwanz (off) Geh’ doch weg! Eninnne (opening the door) Begging your pardon—my wife! (Brrenne exits down L. A commotion is heard in the room) Evotnte., What’s going on? (Anromserre enters L and runs up ©) ‘Awromerte, Etienne. Btienne’s here! Help me! Help! (Anrowerte exils up c, Eriewne enters) Erienne (running up c) Stop that woman! (Scuwarz, in his pants, enters 1) Scuwanz (grabbing Etienne and swinging him round) Ach, du dummer Trottel! Emenne. Ow! Scuwanz (shaking Etienne) Ich werde dich umbringen. ErENne, She’s my wife! You've got no business to . - - Scuwarz. Na! Emiznne. Please. Leave me alone! Somwanz. (Uhrowing Etienne on the floor) Also und jetzt, geh’ weg! (Scrrwanz exits down 1) Emenne, It’s not right, I'm the wronged husband, I'm not the ‘one who ought to be hit. (He gets up) Evaéme, If you'd told me you were the husband . (Pocus comes downstairs with the log basket) Emenne, You think I knew? It's too bloody much, Me! A gentle-Acr II A FLEA IN HER EAR 49 man’s gentleman! And deceived! You little slut! Just you wait, that’s all! Just you wait! (He turns and sees Poche) Pocue. What is it? Erienne. Sir—you're—carrying a log basket! Pocue. Yes. I am carrying a log basket. Why not? Ertenne. Oh, sir! My dear sir. I've been deceived. My wife's unfaithful, sir! Pocue. Bad luck! Errenne. She did it in there, sir. With a Prussian . Pocue. Herr Shutyourhole. Emtenne. He didn’t tell me his name. But, as you're here, sir. As you don’t need my services, may I give chase, sit? May I catch the little devil, and then—and then—I have your permission, sir? Pocue. Go ahead, Errenne. Thank you, sir. I’m so grateful. (Going up c) Look out, you slut—I’m coming . (EtieNNE exits up c) Pocte. I don’t know if it’s something they’ve eaten, but it's my opinion they're all barmy. (The buzzer sounds, Room 7) Lucienne (ofc) Mind where you're going. Eucénte, Someone's ringing! (Moving to the board) It’s for you! (She moves down c) Pocue, For me—good, somebody wants me! Coming! Coming! (Pocue exits up L. Luctenne enters up c) Luctenne. Extraordinary. I could have sworn that was Chande- bise’s butler. Evoéme. Can I help you, madame? . Luctenne (moving down 1. of Lucienne) Oh, yes. Yes. A man nearly knocked me flying on the stairs, Wasn't he Monsieur Chandebise’s utler? Evotmie. That’s possible! He asked for a room booked in that name, madame. He said he came to warn a woman to make herself scarce as her husband was after her. And when he met the lady it turned out he was her husband, and he was after her, madame, and —it’s a bit of a muddle, quite frankly! Luctenwe. I don’t understand a word of it. Evoéme, I’m only tell you what I saw. Luctenne, Anyway—which is the room booked in Monsieur Chandebise’s name? Eucénie. The room boo downstage bedroom) . an LUCHENNE (crassing Eugénie to. the bedroom door) Good. Yn going in ere .. Oh, it’s that one. (She points R to the Eucénte, That’s quite all right. (Moving to the stairs) I’ve been told to let anyone in who asks for it.50 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act IL (Evoénte exits upstairs) Lucienne. Thanks. (She knocks on the bedroom door) (Cann enters from the upstage bedroom and moves t) Canaize. I do wish I could find my silver roof. Lucene. Nobody there! (Ske knocks again) Camitz. Madame Hisangua! Oh God! Whatever next? (CAMILLE exits up c) Luctenne (entering the bedroom) No-one here? It's not possible, Raymonde said: “I'll expose my husband between five o'clock and ten-past, Come at half past and it'll all be over.” Didn’t she wait for me? Let’s look in here . (Luctenne exits R. CAMILLE criters up ©) Camiiie. Victor Emmanuel! It’s Victor Emmanuel! (Caminte exils to the upstage bedroom, LUCIENNE enters R) Luctenne. It’s very odd! Never mind, I’m going. . . (CHANDEBISE enters up ©) Cianpesiss. Who should I ask for? Ah... You! Luctenne. Monsieur Chandebise! Guanpesise. At last, P've found you .. . Lucrenne. What's the matter with you? Cuxanpepise. Did you see Etienne by any chance? Lucrenne. Why? Cranpepise. Because I sent him to tell you—you see I had a dinner, But then I discovered—my dinner’s not till tomorrow! So J—I—rushed here to tell you. . - Lucrenne. Tell me what? Caunepise. Oh, my poor child, What utter madness—to fall in love with me. Me? Lucienne. What? Guanpesise. I do understand. (Taking her hand) Of course I undertand. Were you afraid to sign your adorable letter? ‘Lucienne. What letter? Cuanvesise. The one you wrote to arrange our Jittle—rendez- vous? ‘Luctenne. Oh! But what makes you think that was me? Guanvepise, I didn’t know who it was at first. But I showed it to your husband and . . « Lucrenne (removing her hand) You did what? CHANDEBISE. He knew your handwriting at once. . - Lvorenne, What are you trying to tell me? Crunpenise. Ofcourse, now he’s perfectly capable of killing you! Luomnnt (moving below him to down 1) Madre de Dios! Where is he? * anpenise. Probably just about to—breathe down our necks!Acr II A FLEA IN HER EAR 51 Luctenne, Our necks! Oh, my God! Don’t just stand there! (Running upc) Run away! Help... ! (Luctene exits up c) Cuanpesise. Oh, the madness of love! (Cuanpesise exits up c, OLYMPE enters up L) Oxvupe, Eugénie! Eugénic! Where's that girl got to? (CHanpepise enters up ¢) Cuanpenise. It’s him! Histangua, Abandon ship! (Luctenne enters up ©) Lvcienne, My husband! I’m lost! Otymre, What’s happening? Cuanpenise (pulling Olympe round toc) Out of my way! (CHtanpesise exits down 1) Oxympr. What? : Luctenne (pushing Olympe below the stairs) Out of my way! (Lucianne runs to the bedroom and exits 8) Ouyps, But, madame... (Raymonpe enters up L) Raymonpe. Oh, let’s go! I won't breathe again till we're out of here. Out of my way! (She pulls Olympe round in a circle u) Otymre. Ah... (TouRwen. enters up L) Tournex. Yes. Quick. This way. But for God’s sake—out of our way! (He pushes Olympe down ) (Raymonve and TourNet exit up c) Oxyapg. Are we on fire? What’s going. . . ? Homenwes (ofc) Let me find them! Let me find them! Then I can kill them! ‘Then I can strangle them with my bare hands! OLympE (moving to the stairs) Now what is it? (RayMonpE enters up & and runs up 1) Raymonpe. Homenides de Histangua! Out of my way! (RayMOnDeE pushes Olympe up c and exits up L) Otymre. Ah... (Tourne enters up c and pushes Olympe down ¢) Tournet. Damned dago! You're always in the way! (TourneL exits up L. OLyMPE staggers down L) |52 A FLEA IN HER EAR Act IL Ouyare. Oh, dear—oh, dear—what’s—what's this? (Howentpes enters up @ and moves down 0) Homenmes, So Tournel with a woman! It must be my wife—~ the mitherable strumpet! (He moves up 1.0) OLyre (stopping Homenides 1 of the stairs) Excuse me, Where are you going, sir? Homenips, To kill the both of them. With my bare hands! Get out of my way! (He pushes Olympe down stage) (Homentwes exits up 1) Otyupe (staggering down c) Kill them! Oh, my God! Help! Help! Help! (She sits down ©) : (Ferat.ion and Evotnte enter downstairs) Ferattton. What's all the noise about? Oysre (rising) An escaped lunatic! He says he’s going to kill them! Ferain.on. What? (He moves up 1) Oxymre. Ah—Ah—Aha! . Evoenm (running to support Olympe from behind) Help! FERAILLON (moving c and pointing up x) All right. Take her in there. Give her a whiff of smelling salts. (A commotion breaks out down 1) Evotne. Yes, sir! (Evotsre and Oxyare exit up 1) FERAILLON (hurrying fo Schwarz’s room) War’s almost breaking out inthere. ” (Scewaz enters down 1, pulls CHANDEBISE out of the room and spins him across R. CHANDEBISE bumps into Feraillon on his way across, and lands on the stool ©) Scuwanz (as he pulls Chandebise out) Geb’ doch von meiner Tir weg! Cuanpesise. No! No! Feraiton. What's going on here? (Scuwanz exits down t) FERAILLON (moving to Chandebise) Poche! You back again? CHanpeise (rising) What did you say? pier ‘You useless nitwit! (He kicks Chandebise round in a circle CHanpepise. What are you doing? Feraiton. Dog’s dinner! Cuanpepise, But... Ferattion. A pig could teach you manners! Cuanpesise. Listen to me, my man! Feraition. What?aor IL A FLEA IN HER EAR 53. Cxtanpenise (putting on his hat and taking off his gloves) Iam Monsieur Victor Emmanuel Chandebise, managing director for all France of the Boston Life Insurance Company. FERAILLON (facing front) ‘Tight as a drum! Soaked, sozzled, satur- ated... CHANDEBISE. Sir, (He strikes him across the chest with his gloves) My ~ seconds will call on you. (He moves up c) FERAILton. Oh, yes? Well, take one of these for each of your seconds! (He kicks Chandebise round in a circle again) Cuanpesise. Oh—oh .. « Feraltton. And that for Monsieur Chandebise! Cuanpepisz. Oh! Ferauton. And that! And that! (He finishes of Chandebise) Cuanesise. That'll be quite enough from you! (He pulls his arm away) beraron (pulling Chandebise’s jacket off his shoulder) What’s the idea? Cuanvesise. If you don’t mind! FERAILLON (turning Chandebise round and taking his jacket off) This your idea of a joke? Parading in civies? Cuanpesise. You're going too far. . . FERAILLON (taking off Chandebise’s hat) You can do without that as well. (He moves to the coat-rack down L, hangs up the hat and jacket, and takes down the uniform cap and coat) Cuanpesise (facing front) My God! It’s a raving maniac! Feraition. Get your cap on now! (He puts the cap on Chandebise’s Cuanpesise. No! No! ; Frnansow. ‘And your jacket! (He gets one of Chandebise's arms in the sleeve . CHanpenise. I won't wear it! (He moves down 1) Feraition. Won't wear your uniform? I'll tell you when to wear your uniform. Get dressed—at the double. i Guanpesise. Yes! Yes, sir! (He puts on the coat) Yes .. _Feraitron. Now! Dis-miss, To your room! Like greased bloody lightning! (He moves up 1) Cuanpesise. Yes, sir. Yes. It’s a raving—raving . .. Fepaitton. “What did you say? You want another touch of my ot? Cuanpenise (moving to the stairs) No! No! Feraiion. All right then! Cutanpenise (facing front) Maniac! Complete maniac! Ferartion. Will you—shog off! (Cuanpenise exits upstairs) You see! The terrible effect of vermouth! Still dead drunk! It’s sad, when you find a decent servant, he has to turn out a hopeless sot... - (Evcénte enters up L) Eves. Oh, there you are, sir.54 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II Ferattion. What is it now? Evoénte. Madame’s got the screaming tiff-tafis . . - FeeaELoN. Oh, my God, what's next on the menu I wonder? What do you want me to do about it? What do you take me for? An army nurse? Evoemie, For Heaven’s sake, sir, what are we going to do about madame? FexmLLON. In case of shock I always recommend a quick slap around the chops. She'll find that very reassuring, Try that. Eucénte. Thank you very much. I'd get a quick slap back. FenuLion. Yes, might do you a bit of good. (Moving up 1) All right, Run up to Number Ten and ask Doctor Finache to come and look at her. At a convenient moment! Evaénre. At the double, sir. FRRattion. What a bloody nuisance. (Going out up 1) Now then, my precious. Feeling a little bit seedy, are we? (FerarLion exits up L. As soon as he is out of sight, Poors enters up 1, singing the “Marseillaise”, and moves to the coat-rack 1) Pocut. Now—off to the post office. Well! What joker’s pinched my uniform? Cheeky bastard! (He takes Chandebite’s hat and coat) He’s Tod his hat and coat instead of mine. (Putting them on) Not a bad fit, for going to the post office. (Moving up c) I'll give them back when he hands over mine, (The buzzer sounds—Number 11) Good! Someone wants me. They do love me here! Coming! Coming! (Poche exits up L. Eucénre and Finacue enter downstairs and move below them) Evoente (as she comes down) This way, Doctor. Fucus. You don’t imagine I came here to practice medicine? What’s the matter with your mistress? Evoénte. Nothing much. Just the screaming tiff-taffs. Fimace, Whatever's that? Evoénte, A sort of blue fit. She had a fright and . . « FinacuE, A fright? Why not say so? . Evatuis, It froze her blood! Now it’s spread to her nerves, T should imagine. Fivacne. And you interrupted me for that? Get a good big soda- water siphon and give her a squirt. That'll calm her down. Asrateas, You'd better see her. (Moving up L) You've gone to all this trouble . . . Finacne. Yes, I have! Evoéne. This way, Doctor . . . (Evcéte and FINacHe exit up t. Cxanpestse comes downstairs) Cuanpesise (moving c) The maniac’s gone, What I've been Oe tf that’s how he welcomes his guests, I can’t see themAer Il A FLEA IN HER EAR 55 - coming back a second time! What a maniac! (Moving L) Good heavens! Where’s my jacket? And my hat! He hung them there! They've vanished. (He looks under the table) (Raymonpe and Tounnen. enter up L) Raymone. We've given him the slip! Quick, call a cab! TouRNEL (seeing Chandebise) Yes, Here’s the porter. RAYMONDE (crossing below Tournel to Chandebise) The hall porter . . . Guanpesise, What a thing to happen . . . Raymonve. Quick, Poche. A cab! Cuanvepise. What? Tournet. A cab! Cuanpenise. My wife! Raymonve, My husband! It is him, (Running up c) It is . .. (RaymonpE exits upc) Cuanpesise, And with Tournel! Tournet. It really is! (He backs to c and sits on the stool) Cuanpenise ( following Tournel and pushing him down each time he rises) What are you doing here? You! What are you doing with my wife? Tournet (rising) You know quite well! Cuanpeviss (pushing him down) What? What do I know? Tournex (rising) We just explained it all to you, Cuanvenise (pushing him down) Oh, yes! You explained it all! What did you explain? Answer me! Will you answer . . . ? Tournet (rising) Now, just a moment . . . (FERAILLON enters up 1 and moves down ©) Ferariion. Haven't we had enough of this bloody row! Poche! Cuanpepise. The maniac! Ferai.ion. Poche! (Tournen exits up L. Feratton kicks Chandebise round in & circle) Ferattton. You animal! Cuanperisz. Eh! Oh! Help! Ferai.ion. Beast! Cuanpesise, Oh! Feratton. Pig! Cuanpesise (running to the stairs) Now then, my man. Look here. Ferrario (following him) Haven’t you had enough? Cuanpepise. Yes! Yes! Quite enough. Help! Help me! Help! ‘There's a maniac. A raving maniac . . . (CHANDEBIsE runs up the stairs) Feratnton (following) I'll give you maniac, you vermouth be- sotted sponge! Back to your cell till tomorrow morning. Go and sleep it off. Double! Double! And twice as quick as that, you dozy bastard! (Cuanpesise and Feraiiion exit upstairs. Sonwanz enters down L, putting on his jacket, and moves up Cc)56 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II Scuwaz. Verpflucht nochmal! Ich muss selbst sehen, ob diese Sache ewig dauern wird! (Scuwanz exits up ©. Canute enters from the upstage bedroom and moves down L. LUCIENNE enters R and moves to the bedroom doer c) Canute. Nobody about. Oh, I do wish I could find my silver roof! Luctenne. It’s gone quiet again! Ganitrx (seeing Lucienne and moving to the corridor up c) Madame Histangua! Lucinne (closing the bedroom door behind her) My husband must have gone. (Luerenne and Camme, scream on seeing each other. LvctENNE grabs Camille by the arm and pulls kim down t) Oh, Camille—please! Don’t leave me. My husband’s breathing down my neck. With a revolver! He wants to kill everyone! Came, Good God! Lucrenne. I beg you. Don’t leave me! Casmuze. No! No! I won't... Homentbes (off upstairs) Where are the wretcheth? Where are you hiding? (Luctenne and Cammute scream) Lucrenne. My husband! Cami. ‘That’s him! Luctenne \ (iogeiher) Let's run! (Luorenne and CAMILLE run upc. Scuwarz,enters up C. CAMILLE rushes into the bedroom downstage and puts his back against the door. LUCIENNE runs into the bedroom down ¥.) ScHwarz, Ach Mensch! Was fiir ein hibsches Madchen! (Gcuwanz exits down t, taking of his jacket, Hompntoes rushes down- stairs) Homenmes. Where are they? I want to kill them! To slay them both! Just tell me! Where is the room of Chandebise? Is everybody dead? (HomentDes runs out up c. Poche enters up i and moves R of the stairs) Pocue. Who's making all this noise? (Luctenne enters down 1, backing. Scurwanz follows her) Sonwanz. Sei’ lieb, mein Schatz, Komm zuruck. Luciznne, Kindly stop that suggestive behaviour! (She slaps Schwarz's face) ‘Scuwarz. Nochmal! Ach, wie ist das scheusslich!| Acr I A FLEA IN HER EAR 57 (Scuwanz. spins round and exits L. Pocue comes down stage ® of Lucienne) Pocne. Good shot! . Lucienne (falling into his arms) Monsieur Chandebise! Poors. What? Luciznne. God’s sent you—to save my life! Pocue. What’s the matter, madame? Lvorenne. My husband’s after me. ‘He wants to kill me! Pocus, What's that again? Lucrenne. Save me! Save me! Poot (pulling her up c) Come on, then. This way out. (Lucianne and PocHE exil up C) Homentoes (off up ¢) Ah! Caramba! Caught you! (Luctenne enters up ©, rans down 6 and tries to open the bedroom door, which Came is barring) Luctenne. It’s him! Open, please! Gamtite. No-one’s coming in here! (Poors enters up c. Luctenne runs down 1) Pocus, Hurry up! Not in there, Herr Shutyourhole. Lucianne (running c) Where then? Pocue (moving to the upstage bedroom) In there! Baptistin’s room! (Luctenne exits into the upstage bedroom. Poon follows and shuts the door behind them. Homentes enters C) Homentes. Don’t bother to hide yourselves. I’ve theen you. Death... (He stops short up ©) (Evoente enters up 1 and moves to Homenides) Evoéme. Did you want something, sir? Howempes. I want Chandebise! And the woman with him! Euotnte (pointing to the dovenstage bedroom) In there, sir. He's madt (Evoénre exits up 1) Howensoes (knocking on the bedroom door) Open up! So T can kill you! Camitue. Nobody at home. Housnises Will you open up!-(ds he counts, he shoulders the door three times) Uno! Dos! Tres! (On the third count, CAMILLE dives to the chair down x, HOMENIDES rushes into the bedroom and exits R, There is a glass crash off R, then Homenmnes re-enters and stands over Camille) My wife, Just you give me my wife! So I can kill her, Tho’ T can slay her! i'm a dead shot, (Crossing c) See that target? (Indicating the bed buton) Toro! (He produces his revolver and fires at the button) Bull’s~ eye!58 A FLEA IN HER EAR Acr II (The bed revolves, bringing on Pocus. and Luctenne. Homentoes, returning to Camille, does not see this) Caramba! When I find her, she dies! Hasta la meurte! Cami. I promise. I haven’t got her. Search me! Lucrenne. My husband! (Lvcrenne ‘rushes: out-of the bedroom and: exits-up c, followed by Pocus) Homentes. My wife! (He fires at the bedroom door, then rushes from the room) (FERAILLON comes running downstairs, meeting HoMENIDES C) Ferat.ton. Do I hear shots? War's broken out! In my hetel? Now then, what’s going on here exactly? Oh, my God, apprehend him! A madman! A stark raving . . . Poche! Eugénie! Apprehend him! (Feranton and Homentes struggle c. More shots are fired. Scuwarz enters L and moves ¢) Stop the carnage! Ah—got you, my beauty! You're not getting away with this. Police! Send for the police! (During the ensuing chaos, Ouvmpe, Bucénte and two Mew and t100 WOMEN guests rush on from the corridors and down the stairs to join in the turmoil. In the bedroom, CAMULLE jumps on the bed and under the coverlet. The bed revolves continuously, bringing on Barristin and Camatte in turn, both shrieking, All the following speeches are spoken simultaneously) Barbaric behaviour! Ou uncouth savage, you! Police! Police! Thank God—the maid. Got my orders, have you? Jump to it... Evcente | All right, all right—what’s the matter now? Good heavens, who's he got hold of there? Look, sir— look. It’s the chief—he’s got himself in the soup, all right. Oh, no, it’s a bit too much. I’m not staying in this monkey house a moment longer, Madame! Madame! Look, sir, Madame! Madame! ist Man | (t6 15t Woman) Don’t be afraid, my little darling. ‘Your Paul's here to look after you. What’sgoing on down there? Will you kindly stop this ridiculous horseplay! What’ec you waiting for? Stop it! Stop it! Mannerless apes. And this is meant to be a quiet little hotel. It'll be a long time before I set foot in here again. Fernande, where are you? Please! Answer me, Fernande . . . Fernande! thought I heard a noise! Aaaah! Help! Help! Feraillon! He’s going to kill me! Help! I can feel it coming on again! I’m about to faint dead away .. . Eugénie! Help me! Eugénie! OLyMPEAct I A FLEA IN HER EAR 59 isn Woman (Can't you see? Help! They're going to kill us. To slaughter us—in our beds! I told you I didn’t want to come here! Don’t shoot—not at me! Not at me. Help! Paul, don’t just stand there, save me! anp MAN Don’t make such a noise! Please—try to be quiet. What's happening, exactly? Stop it—come, on, this way, we're getting out—come along. Police! Police! anp Woman | My husband! I know it’s my husband! Oh, please! Yedouard, don’t shoot! I beg you, don't shoot! ‘Aaeah it’s not him! Help, help! ‘This is the absolute limit! Help! Eventually Homenwes is overpowered and forced out up C, OLyMPE faints down o, Bucks, bends over her, the hed stops revolving with ein erin in tiew screaming, as the lights BLacK-OUT and— the Contam fallsACT Ill Scene— The Chandebises’ drawing-room. Half an hour later. As the CURTAIN rises, ANTOINETTE enters up c and moves down stage, doing up her blouse butions. Anromerte. Help! Etienne’s back! I’ll never have time—I'm all fingers and thumbs! Right! Now we'll see! Entenve (off c) Antoinette! Antoinette! ANTOINETTE. Oh! (She runs to the doors up c and bolts them) Emtenne (of) Antoinette! ANTOINETTE (grabbing her apron from the sofa and putting it on) Help! Entenne (of) Antoinette! Will you open! ‘The little slut’s locked herself in! Just wait! ANTOINETTE. Quick! (She unbolts the doors, then runs down 1) (ANvomerre exits down L, Etenne enters up and moves down ¢) Ersenne, Antoinette! Where’s she got to? Antoinette! (Awromerre enters down 1) ANTOINETTE (moving to the table). Was it you making that extra- ordinary noise? Emtenne. Of course it was.'What’s the idea? Locking yourself in? Antoinette. What? Emtenne. I want to know why you were locked in. ‘Axromerre. Me? Of course I wasn't locked in. Entenne (moving up c and opening the door) Now look! That's peculiar... ANTOINETTE (picking up the magazines from the table and moving R) ‘The wonders of science! Etienne learns how to open a door! (She puts the magazines on the small table Rc) Emtenne (moving 1 of the sofa) Never mind. The door’s unimpor- tant. Just you tell me—what were you doing at the Hotel Cog d’Or. ‘Antomerte. What did you say? Entenne. The Hotel Coq d’Or. Anrorerre. What on earth is “The Hotel Cog d'Or? Ertenne. What on earth? Oh, very good! But I've got you now. It wasn’t half an hour ago—that I caught you there... Anromerte. You caught me? Me? Emienne. Yes, you! ANTOINETTE (silting on the sofa) I haven’t moved out of here! Emrenne. A likely story! ANTOINETTE. It’s perfectly true. Emtenne. I thought you'd do better than that, I mean something i ih re a a Tee eeAct IIT A FLEA IN HER BAR Gr the fish”. But not “I wasn’t there”. (Moving down 1) Not a bare- faced denial. “ANTOINETTE. [can’t say what didn’t happen. EnIENNE, (moving L of the sofa) You miserable sinner! I saw you with my own eyes « « « WewOINeTTE (rising) What does that prove? ETE +E. ! AntoiweTTe. It doesn’t matter to me if you saw me or not, I still wasn’t there. Errenne (moving down c) The nerve! The pure ice cold! So! So, T didn't catch you there? Half “taked_—all wrapped around by an ‘Alsatian wolf-hound. ‘AntonetTe. Me? Erenne. Yes, you! You! And he didn’t get violent with me cither, I don’t suppose! ‘Antoinette. Me, with an Alsatian gentleman? It’s ridiculous. T don’t even speak the language. TnswNEs Oh, yes! Very convincing. Certain things are beyond the barriers of language. Certain things can ‘be explained by signs! So_—you weren't being hugged by & Hun? Antornette. Never moved out of the house. Brznne (moving L) God Almighty! Subtle little bitch! She lies like a respectable woman! So you never moved out of the house? All right. We'll find out. (He moves up ¢) FF Errenne, Ask the concierge. uromerre (moving up to Etienne) The conceirge! Erienne, He'll tell me, if you went out! ANTOINETTE ‘You're out of your mind! You can’t in- involve Monsieur Plommard in a ridiculous family squabble. Do you want the whole street to Jaugh at (together) you? fi ‘EENNE ‘That's got you, hasn’t it? You didn’t think of that. Now you're hooked, clever puss! ANTOINETTE (beating on Efienne’s chest) Listen, Etienne!

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• A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius: A Memoir Based on a True Story

  

  From Everand

  A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius: A Memoir Based on a True Story

  Dave Eggers

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (231)
• Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

  

  From Everand

  Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

  Angela Duckworth

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (590)
• Devil in the Grove: Thurgood Marshall, the Groveland Boys, and the Dawn of a New America

  

  From Everand

  Devil in the Grove: Thurgood Marshall, the Groveland Boys, and the Dawn of a New America

  Gilbert King

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (266)
• Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

  

  From Everand

  Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

  Chris Voss

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (844)
• Angela's Ashes: A Memoir

  

  From Everand

  Angela's Ashes: A Memoir

  Frank McCourt

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (441)
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

  

  From Everand

  The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

  Mark Manson

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (5810)
• Shoe Dog: A Memoir by the Creator of Nike

  

  From Everand

  Shoe Dog: A Memoir by the Creator of Nike

  Phil Knight

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (540)
• Principles: Life and Work

  

  From Everand

  Principles: Life and Work

  Ray Dalio

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (608)
• The World Is Flat 3.0: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century

  

  From Everand

  The World Is Flat 3.0: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century

  Thomas L. Friedman

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (2259)
• Her Body and Other Parties: Stories

  

  From Everand

  Her Body and Other Parties: Stories

  Carmen Maria Machado

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (822)
• The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living

  

  From Everand

  The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living

  Meik Wiking

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (401)
• A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

  

  From Everand

  A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

  Betty Smith

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (1929)
• The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers

  

  From Everand

  The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers

  Ben Horowitz

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (347)
• The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

  

  From Everand

  The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

  Brené Brown

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (1092)
• John Adams

  

  From Everand

  John Adams

  David McCullough

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (2409)
• Yes Please

  

  From Everand

  Yes Please

  Amy Poehler

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (1898)
• The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer

  

  From Everand

  The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer

  Siddhartha Mukherjee

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (271)
• The Glass Castle: A Memoir

  

  From Everand

  The Glass Castle: A Memoir

  Jeannette Walls

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (1716)
• Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race

  

  From Everand

  Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race

  Margot Lee Shetterly

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (897)
• Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln

  

  From Everand

  Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln

  Doris Kearns Goodwin

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (234)
• Rise of ISIS: A Threat We Can't Ignore

  

  From Everand

  Rise of ISIS: A Threat We Can't Ignore

  Jay Sekulow

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (137)
• The Woman in Cabin 10

  

  From Everand

  The Woman in Cabin 10

  Ruth Ware

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (2521)
• The Art of Racing in the Rain: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  The Art of Racing in the Rain: A Novel

  Garth Stein

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (4203)
• Wolf Hall: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  Wolf Hall: A Novel

  Hilary Mantel

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (3811)
• The Yellow House: A Memoir (2019 National Book Award Winner)

  

  From Everand

  The Yellow House: A Memoir (2019 National Book Award Winner)

  Sarah M. Broom

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (98)
• Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future

  

  From Everand

  Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future

  Ashlee Vance

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (474)
• On Fire: The (Burning) Case for a Green New Deal

  

  From Everand

  On Fire: The (Burning) Case for a Green New Deal

  Naomi Klein

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (74)
• The Unwinding: An Inner History of the New America

  

  From Everand

  The Unwinding: An Inner History of the New America

  George Packer

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (45)
• The Light Between Oceans: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  The Light Between Oceans: A Novel

  M.L. Stedman

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (789)
• Sing, Unburied, Sing: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  Sing, Unburied, Sing: A Novel

  Jesmyn Ward

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (1104)
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower

  

  From Everand

  The Perks of Being a Wallflower

  Stephen Chbosky

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (2104)
• The Constant Gardener: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  The Constant Gardener: A Novel

  John Le Carré

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (104)
• The Outsider: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  The Outsider: A Novel

  Stephen King

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (1850)
• Brooklyn: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  Brooklyn: A Novel

  Colm Toibin

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (1947)
• Little Women

  

  From Everand

  Little Women

  Louisa May Alcott

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (104)
• Steve Jobs

  

  From Everand

  Steve Jobs

  Walter Isaacson

  Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

  4.5/5 (807)
• Manhattan Beach: A Novel

  

  From Everand

  Manhattan Beach: A Novel

  Jennifer Egan

  Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

  3.5/5 (792)
• Bad Feminist: Essays

  

  From Everand

  Bad Feminist: Essays

  Roxane Gay

  Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

  4/5 (1018)
• Sighrtdjytfuyguhlij

  

  Document1 page

  Sighrtdjytfuyguhlij

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Finals SHOWINGS/ASSESSMENTS December 13 & 14 in The Rauh Theatre at The Playhouse

  

  Document1 page

  Finals SHOWINGS/ASSESSMENTS December 13 & 14 in The Rauh Theatre at The Playhouse

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Northrup, Ben 02/11/2016 History-Quiz #2 80%: Name: Date: Quiz Name: Score

  

  Document2 pages

  Northrup, Ben 02/11/2016 History-Quiz #2 80%: Name: Date: Quiz Name: Score

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles: Equity Chorus Call Audition Procedures

  

  Document2 pages

  New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles: Equity Chorus Call Audition Procedures

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles: Equity Principal Audition Procedures

  

  Document3 pages

  New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles: Equity Principal Audition Procedures

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• 3ta4setdryfugijopk (

  

  Document1 page

  3ta4setdryfugijopk (

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Charlie: I'm An Air Traffic Controller. I Was An Air Traffic Controller

  

  Document1 page

  Charlie: I'm An Air Traffic Controller. I Was An Air Traffic Controller

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Summer Auditions 2016: Theatre Company Theatre/Aud Location Audition Date Audition Requirements My Materials

  

  Document4 pages

  Summer Auditions 2016: Theatre Company Theatre/Aud Location Audition Date Audition Requirements My Materials

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• All New People

  

  Document1 page

  All New People

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Life I Celebrate Myself, and Sing Myself, and What I Assume You Shall Assume, For Every Atom Belonging To Me As Good Belongs To You

  

  Document1 page

  Life I Celebrate Myself, and Sing Myself, and What I Assume You Shall Assume, For Every Atom Belonging To Me As Good Belongs To You

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Sarah Bernhardt: Early Life

  

  Document4 pages

  Sarah Bernhardt: Early Life

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Buddy Spot Fido Topher Mitchell Jasper Labpugpoodle

  

  Document1 page

  Buddy Spot Fido Topher Mitchell Jasper Labpugpoodle

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Early Itinerary To Look Over

  

  Document1 page

  Early Itinerary To Look Over

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Director's Contract

  

  Document1 page

  Director's Contract

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Ben's General Monthly Calendar: Work Audition Material

  

  Document1 page

  Ben's General Monthly Calendar: Work Audition Material

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Theatre History Notes

  

  Document2 pages

  Theatre History Notes

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Addams Family Study Guide

  

  Document31 pages

  Addams Family Study Guide

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet
• Arwgaw

  

  Document1 page

  Arwgaw

  BenNorthrup

  No ratings yet