Amazing Grace

By Sarah Gray
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
The wise man built his house upon the rock,
And the rains came tumbling down.
As I sing this song with Mary Faith, I cant help but to reflect on how thankful I am that I was
raised on a solid rock- Jesus Christ. She is bouncing around, and playing.
Listen to me sing, Say-Say.
I smile at her, Im listening May-Fay. You sing so pretty.
Her sweet laughter fills the room, and my heart has never been so full. In watching her dance
around the room, singing, and happy, I feel a sense of purpose. I want to keep her in this
moment, as a happy 5-year-old, who doesnt know how to do anything but live life with vibrant
joy. I look at her and I want to protect her. I dont want anything that life can throw at her to dull
her shine. I know that I cant. I know that nobody can. I fight the sadness that threatens to
overtake me at this realization, but instead Im filled with hope, and more purpose. I know that
my purpose is to help her build her house, her being, upon the rock.
Mary Faith continues to sing.
The rains came down, and the floods came up,
The rains came down, and the floods came up,
The rains came down, and the floods came up,
And the house on the rock stood firm.
I think about my life, and all the things Ive experienced that has led me to the person I am
today, right now. In her, I see myself as a small child. I feel the breeze of the summer air rustle
through my golden curls as I tumble towards to water spigot. I can hear the swamp cicadas
buzzing in the trees, and I can see the bees, busy at work, rushing in and out of the magnolia
blossoms. Underneath the magnolia tree, lies my paradise. My granddaddy built a sandbox
underneath that tree, and I would trample from the sandbox to the water spigot. There was
never enough mud for all of the pies I needed to make. I was happy. We all were. My cousins,
my 2 sisters, and I were all happy. We were lucky to have all grown up together, playing at my
Mammys house while our parents were at work. That was one of the first blocks to my firm
foundation. Before I could even grasp the concept of God, and his sacrifice for me, I learned
Gods grace through growing up with my Mammy. Mammy showed me grace after coming into
the house with dirty, mud-streaked hands, face, and feet. Mammy taught me that material things
were just stuff. They could easily be bought and replaced- never to be missed again. Mammy

taught me that the happiness of a human heart is invaluable. My childhood days spent at
Mammys house learning what Gods love looks like living through another human being, is what
I consider the first building blocks of my faith.
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
The foolish man built his house upon the sand,
And the rains came tumbling down.
I know that I so desperately want Mary Faith to be built firm upon the rock of Jesus Christ
because I know all too well the uncertain feeling of sand beneath my feet. My life has not always
been built upon the rock. Somewhere between my childhood and teenage years, I moved out of
my house built upon the rock, and built a new one on the sand. These years were painful, and
destructive. I held on to anger, and resentment towards my father. That lack of grace came into
my soul, and turned it bitter. My dad left my mom, my sisters, and I, when I was 8 years old. He
left for another woman. For too long, I camped out in the dark forest of memories that constantly
reminded me of why I should hate him. Like the feeling of cold blue leather against my skin as I
sat in his chair and he told me that he was leaving for 6 months during the trial separation. I
replied, your breath stinks, trying hard to make a joke so I could push down the knot that rose
in my throat that dared me to cry. I rolled around in a bed of disappointment, remembering how
the air conditioner would kick on and excitement would pulse through my body, because I
thought it was his truck coming up the driveway and he was home, for good; This excitement
was always followed by the feeling of a cinder block on my chest, the physical feeling of
heartbreak, at the realization that it was just the air conditioner. For years, I burned with hate,
like an all consuming fire because all I could recall was the fear that would overtake me when
night time would creep into the house he had built with his own two hands. I would lay in bed
awake for hours in the quiet. I would map out detailed escape plans in case of a robbery, or fire,
determined that if something were to happen that I would save my mom and my sisters. I held
on to that unforgiveness for so long that I stopped caring about my own soul. I was determined
to hurt him back.
The rains came down, and the floods came up,
The rains came down, and the floods came up,
The rains came down, and the floods came up,
And the house on the sand washed away.
My life started spinning out of control at 16. I cared about nobody, not even myself. I did just
about everything a reckless teenager could do. Sex, drugs, and alcohol flooded my life and my
little house on the sand washed away. I was drowning in guilt, and couldnt come up for air. I
couldnt yell out for help. I looked in the mirror and didnt recognize myself. I hated everything
about myself. I got the bright idea that being skinny would make me feel better, so I started
making myself throw up, and starving myself. I would barely make it through cheerleading
practice because my lifestyle had made me so physically weak. In fact, my lifestyle had made
me weak physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I was broken.

The summer of 2009, I stumbled upon a rock. Somehow, I had been accepted to attend
Governors School West in Winston Salem. I dont think this was a product of hard work and
determination in my academics, because as one would suspect, my grades had plummeted,
along with every other aspect of my life. As exaggerated and trite as it may seem to others,
looking back, I know that it was divine intervention. Through all of my mistakes, God was still
pursuing me, and he wasnt giving up on me. That June, I made the miserable drive to Winston
Salem with the excitement equivalent to that of someone watching paint dry. I remember
thinking the whole way there- this is bullshit. I dont want to do this. To my surprise, Governors
School West was the best thing that ever happened to me. During my time there, I was
challenged to write. As the summer progressed, the tip of my ink pen pointed my sights to
grace. I found Gods grace that told me He still loved me, and that I was worthy, then the grace
to forgive myself, and the grace to forgive my dad. I found freedom through grace, and my life
was changed forever.
The song Mary Faith sings makes me think of my favorite hymn.
When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
As much as I would love to say that since that summer at Governors School, my life has been
picture perfect, I cant. Just a few years later, on October 4, 2013, the rains came down and the
flood came up, but this time I stood firm. My fall break had officially begun and I could not wait to
get some well needed rest and relaxation in. I breathed a sigh of relief when I pulled up in my
driveway. I stepped out of the car and heard music blaring from inside. Already annoyed, I
walked inside. My roommate had friends over, and everyone was drinking. I considered getting
back into my car and going to my moms for the night, but I was exhausted. I just wanted to put
on my sweatpants, pop some popcorn, find a good movie to watch, and be settled for the night.
So, I stayed.
As I walked in the door, I was greeted by a loud chorus of Whats up!?
My roommate ran up and said, Im bout to pour you a drink, girl! You study too much and you
need to let loose.
Im good, thanks though. Im just gonna go to my room and watch some T.V. Im tired beyond
belief.
I was beyond annoyed at the persistence.
Just one, Sarah, cmon! One drink, and Ill bet you change your mind.

No, Im good, seriously. I just want to lay down and be lazy.

I went to my room, and decided against T.V. I was ready to go to sleep. The next thing I know, I
woke up to the sound of my door opening.
Someone whispered, Are you awake?
I grumbled back, What do you want?
I just want to talk, he said.
Im sleeping. Get out of here.
He didnt listen. I dont know what time it was, and I dont know how long it lasted. All I know is
that it felt like an eternity. I didnt punch him. I didnt kick him. I wanted to, but I couldnt move. I
told him to stop, and he didnt. He kept saying, Its okay. Over, and over, and over, again. All I
did was pray for it to end, as hot tears ran down my face. It was surreal, and I couldnt really
believe it was happening. I cried for myself, and I cried for him. I cried for the dirty feeling that
stayed on my skin, no matter how many showers I took, or how hard I scrubbed my skin, it was
there. I cried for him because this was never supposed to happen to me.
When he was done, he walked out, as if nothing had happened.
I lay awake all night long. My eyes stuck open with tears that didnt stop, even with the morning
light. I got out of bed, fell to the ground and wailed out to God the questions Id been asking
myself all night. Why, God, why? What next? How do I forget? What will happen if I tell
somebody? Why did this happen, God? For the next hour, I sat against the side of my bed,
staring blankly at the wall. I knew that I had to get out of that house. I picked up the phone,
called my best friend, and told her I needed her to help me move back home. She was there in
17 minutes. And my stuff was home in 4 hours.
That was one of the most painful times of my life. However, my relationship with God allowed
his love and grace to seep inside of my wounds, and let go of that pain. Its hard to understand
why God lets things like that happen. I still grapple with the questions: DOES God let things like
that happen? and, do bad things come from God, too? I know that my desire for Mary Faith to
live her life anchored on God, comes from my knowledge of the power grace can have. God
gave me the strength to tell that man face to face that I forgave him, and he went to counseling
for his alcoholism. We are friends to this day, and since then he has turned to God and become
much of a spiritual leader for me. I believe that grace did that for him- the grace I found from
God, the grace he found from me, and the grace he found for himself.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand.

I believe that a persons scars are their stories. My story of grace was learned from my scars.
Jesus nail scarred hands and feet tell the story of Gods grace for humanity. I know that Mary
Faith will gain her own scars, and her own stories one day. I look at her sometimes and Im
afraid. Times when Im in the kitchen, cooking, and she asks me a string of questions. Say-Say,
what you makin? What you puttin in there? Why you put it in there? Whats it for? Can I have
some? What you puttin in there now? She peers up at me, and I can see all of the questions
in her bright blue eyes. Thats when Im paralyzed with fear. Im afraid that the questions wont
always be that easy, and I wont always have the answers. At those moments in time, I feel so
incapable.
Im 23 years old and I know that I dont have life figured out. Honestly, Im not sure that if I lived
to be 200 years old that I would have it figured out. I know that there is one thing I have figured
out, and thats the power of grace- the grace Ive found from God, the grace Ive found from
others, and the grace Ive rationed out along the way. My prayer is that the lesson of grace
proves to be as valuable in her life as it has been in mine. I pray that she builds her house on
Christ, the solid rock, and finds His grace through lifes tribulations.
We are hard pressed on each side, but not crushed; persecuted, but not abandoned;
perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9