The Helper

People of this personality type essentially feel that they are worthy insofar
as they are helpful to others. Love is their highest ideal. Selflessness is their
duty. Giving to others is their reason for being. Involved, socially aware,
usually extroverted, they are who remember everyone's birthday and who
go the extra mile to help out a co-worker, spouse or friend in need.
They are warm, emotional people who care a great deal about their personal
relationships, devote an enormous amount of energy to them, and who
expect to be appreciated for their efforts. They are practical people who
thrive in the helping professions and who know how to make a home
comfortable and inviting. Helping others makes them feel good about
themselves; being needed makes them feel important; being selfless, makes
them feel virtuous. Much of their self-image revolves around these issues,
and any threat to that self-image is scarcely tolerated. They are thoroughly
convinced of their selflessness, and it is true that they are frequently
genuinely helpful and concerned about others. It is equally true, however,
that they require appreciation; they need to be needed. Their love is not
entirely without ulterior motive.
They often develop a sense of entitlement when it comes to the people
closest to them. Because they have extended themselves for others, they
begin to feel that gratitude is owed to them. They can become intrusive and
demanding if their often unacknowledged emotional needs go unmet. They
can be bossy and manipulative, feeling entirely justified in being so,
because they "have earned the right" and their intentions are good. The
darkest side of this type personality, fixation appears when they begins to
feel that they will never receive the love they deserve for all of their efforts.
Under such circumstances, they can become hysterical, irrational and even
abusive.
Because they are generally helping others meet their needs, they can forget
to take care of their own. This can lead to physical burnout, emotional
exhaustion and emotional volatility. They need to learn that they can only be
of true service to others if they are healthy, balanced and centered in
themselves.
THE GIVER:
You are driven by a need to be loved, to be needed, to be appreciated. To
get that love, you express love and devotion more freely than most: become
helpers," interested in the welfare of others, and in doing things for others.
Your love, however, is not truly free; you expect repayment. Often you
establish dependency relationships which art in effect, a form of bribery to
get the love you so badly need. You are usually unwilling, even unable, to
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acknowledge that all your efforts to please and gratify are motivated by
your own strong needs for love and approval.

Possible Origins:
You were the children who was loved for being pleasing. You quickly
recognized the qualities in yourself that was appealing to the different
adults in your life and learned to put on a performance that met those
needs. Another common scenario is reported in your personality which is
sensitivity to the needs of others developed because you had to support
your parents emotionally.
Flawed Types
You become too involved, over-extend yourself in the service of too many
good causes, befriend and advise too many people and wind up feeling
burdened and physically worn out. You may feel that you are not properly
valued. The need for love can degenerate into a need to control, expressed
in the form of manipulation. You may martyr yourself, ostensibly putting
yourself in the service of others while unconsciously resenting those others.
Well-Adapted (Possibilities)
Those who have learned to love without necessarily being loved in return,
are unselfish, considerate, and genuinely loving. They are altruistic and
frequently serve real needs in the world. On a personal level they are
compassionate, thoughtful, and ready to help.
They are sensitive to bringing a new person into the group. They draw
people out. They also become capable of accepting anger in themselves
when it occurs and using it as a basis for asserting their own needs. They
stop cloaking themselves in selfless and powerless virtue, and free
themselves to use power directly. They become less likely to do a slow burn
and more likely to surface problems as they arise.
Occupations Typical occupations are social services and philanthropic
endeavors of all sorts. As manager, you might very well gravitate to human
resources and training, or organization development. Attractive
environments include any situation of assisting or associating with a
powerful leader.
Finding Oneself:
You will probably agree with most of the following statements:
1.

Many people depend on my help and generosity.

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2.

I take more pride in my service of others than in anything else.

3.
me.

I need to feel important in other people's lives. I like people to need

4.
I seem to have personal radar for the detection of moods and
preferences of others.
5.

Each of my friends brings out a different part of me.

6.

I am attracted to difficult relationships.

7.

I don't feel that I have that many needs.

8.

I believe that gaining approval is equal to gaining love.

9.

When I have time off, I frequently spend it helping others.

10.

Having a sense of personal freedom is very important to me.

How to Get Along with Me

Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.

Share fun times with me.

Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on

yours.

Let me know that I am important and special to you.

Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

Reassure me that I am interesting to you.

Reassure me often that you love me.

Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Myself

being able to relate easily to people and to make friends

knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better

being generous, caring, and warm

being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings

being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

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What's Hard About Being Me

not being able to say no

having low self-esteem

feeling drained from overdoing for others

not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish

criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should

being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tune in to

them

working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real

feelings
Lost essential quality: An experience of the essential truth that all
needs are satisfied through a universal will, which is greater than that of the
individual.
Compensating belief: You must give to receive. To be loved you must be
needed.
Attention/coping strategy: Getting your own needs met by being needed
and actively giving to others. Focusing attention on others needs and
repressing your own.
Trap: Obtaining personal fulfilment through meeting other peoples needs.
Driving energy: Pride in being needed, even indispensable. Feeling you
know what others need better than they do.
Avoidance: Disappointing people, becoming useless, being seen negatively
by important others and being rejected.
Strengths: Generous, sensitive, helpful, energetic.
Paradox: Giving more to others does not bring freedom and fulfilment for
you, and being cut off from an awareness of your own needs prevents you
from obtaining the freedom and fulfilment you desire.
Path of development:

Pay attention to personal needs and wants

Learn to receive

Nurture a separate self

Develop independence and autonomy

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Ultimate task: Realizing that love is not dependent on being needed, and
developing a sense of humility that goes with not knowing what to give and
being in need yourself.
1. How have my attention and energy been going to others needs? In what
ways have I acted on what others seemed to need? How quickly did I act on
what I perceived needed my help ? In what ways did I alter or change myself
to fit what others seemed to want?
Basis: You believe that love comes from fulfilling needs and in turn, you will
be fulfilled, hence your attention goes to needs.
Indispensability: In what ways did I feel or act as though I were
indispensable? Take pride in being needed? How did I act like I knew what
others needed better than they did? When did I give advice or be overly
helpful? How have I experienced others as dependent on me?
Basis: You feel secure when your giving is valued by others. You believe
that if you are indispensable, you wont be rejected.
Own needs and desires: What did I do to support or nurture myself? Take
care of my needs or desires? How was I at referencing back to myself
compared to referencing to others? In what ways did I let myself receive
from others? Did I balance giving and receiving?
Basis: You often neglect your own needs and have difficulty receiving, since
value or worth comes from meeting the needs of others, not from being
needy.
The Basic Proposition:
You lost sight of the fundamental principle that everyones needs are equally
and freely met. You came to believe instead that you must give to get, and
to be loved, you must be needed. So you learned to fulfil your personal
needs by being needed and by giving others what they want or need, with
the hope that they would do the same for you. At the same time, you
developed feelings of pride in being indispensable. Your attention naturally
goes to others needs and desires.
The central issue for healing:
You must reclaim your freedom from the tyranny of a need-driven world that
only approves of them, and loves them, if they fulfill the needs of others.
Developing a separate self, then, becomes a difficult proposition. Since
others needs and desires are endless, you will never gain a sense of your
own freedom from trying to fulfill them.
To gain freedom you must learn to give what is needed and no more, pay
attention to your own needs, and receive from others. You must come to
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realize that, ultimately, your needs are met by a greater or universal will
and that your self-worth does not depend upon being the agent of others
fulfilment. Then you can give with the pure joy of giving for its own sake,
freely and lovingly.
Six healing and growth commitments:

Develop and maintain a separate, integrated self

Practice releasing the pride of feeling indispensible

Freely give and receive without pride and expectations

Notice signs of your own repressed needs, paying special attention to

any rising emotions as indicators than your needs arent being met

Balance the active force that goes out to others needs with the
receptive force that allows your needs to be met

Spend time alone to develop your own interests and a sense of

separate self
Dynamics of Your Personality:
World View: People depend on my help. I am needed.
Basic Desire: to be loved
Basic Fear: of being unloved

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Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:

Need to be loved -> help others -> loved -> Need to be loved
Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:
Fear of being unloved -> resent and manipulate others -> loved -> Fear of
being unloved
Insight: We can see from the diagram that a way to help break the control
of the basic fear is to weaken the unhealthy loop. You can refrain from
manipulating others but start to genuinely help others. This will cause you to
be loved, and thus reduce the fear of being unloved.

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