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Lets Talk Politics with your pal, Johnny Toaster.
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Go to the profile of Devorah Blachor
Devorah BlachorFollow
The Feminists Guide to Raising a Little Princess (forthcoming from Tarcher/Pengui
n 2017). Also essays, humor, novels and post-it notes.
9 hrs ago
Be Alarmed: Social Media is About to Get Boring
Im really worried about whats about to happen.
Theres no precedent for this type of colossal void in our nations history. When yo
u think about it, what may happen on November 9th betrays the fundamental commit
ment of internet culture, which is to provide a compelling reason to waste time.
Yet, thats exactly where we appear to be headed. Be alarmed. Be very alarmed abo
ut how boring social media is about to become.
Were going backwards, and I personally do not wish to return to a time when I did
nt feel that adrenaline rush of outrage each time I opened my browser. I dread th
e day when I wont wake up to reports of an aggrieved, 3am Tweetstorm or a new sal
acious revelation or an inspired, if truth-challenged, Kellyanne Conway spin. I
cant conceive that there will soon be a moment when Donald Trumps words will just
be the word of an ordinary citizen, much like those of RifleTed486 or Viv#NeverHill
ary39.
Hours before dawns first light, I find myself waking in a cold sweat, panicking.
What will all my new Facebook friends think of me, now that Ill just be posting v
ideos of 5-year-old dance recitals again? What are all the Late Night people goi
ng to talk about? New scientific studies? The Cleveland Browns? Justin Bieber? W
e have reached a new low.
I cant help but wonder what on earth Im going to say to my husband at dinner. For
the last fourteen months, weve sat down at 6.30pm and that was code for me to beg
in describing some lunatic aspect of Donald Trumps campaign. What are we supposed
to talk about now? The annual report hes editing at work? How the kids are outgr
owing their shoes again? Is this the point when couples decide to start cultivat
ing their own cannabis?
Its inconceivable that in this country, the greatest nation in the world, somethi
ng like this could be allowed to happen. And this is a shared distress that reac
hes across party lines. Joe Scarborough is reportedly biting his nails again. Bi
ll OReilly is said to have lost all interest in his healing crystal collection. T
he women conservatives seem to be ok, though.
Im also deeply concerned for all the people who have added word like deplorable to
their Twitter handles. I fear that these poor souls will lose all motivation to
wake up in the morning, now that theres no reason to find unflattering photos of
Hillary Clinton and airbrush them so that she resembles a demonic psychopath. Ho
w will they fill their time now that questions like Who got to Lester Holt? and Whe
n did Globalist Paul Ryan become a mole? and Why are Americans still eating Chunky
Monkey ice cream? are no longer relevant. I can only hope someone is setting up
a hotline to help these unfortunates.
As I attempt to soothe myself back to sleep, a frightening thought jolts me awak
e. What if the rumours are true? What if she really is nothing more than a borin
g, efficient technocrat? Whats going to become of our newspapers? Will they look
as if they were issued in New Zealand, with headlines about livestock and rugby
results? Last week, an off-duty lifeguard saved a drowning dog, and that was on
the fucking front page of the New Zealand Herald. The New York Post is trembling
, and there is no one among us who doesnt feel that current of tedium lurking jus
t beneath the surface, ready to swallow us all.
In the 227-year history of the American Presidency, nothing like this has ever c

ome to pass before. We have never had to imagine that someone whos made an appear
ance in porn videos might yet become our leader, only to have that prospect disa
ppear into the ether of genitalia-talk discomfort. This is wrong on every possib
le level, and there is nothing we, as a nation, can do about it.
In the dark night of the soul that is the outcome of this election, we have no c
hoice. On November 9th, we will wake up in the morning. We will cleave to those
we love, and resolve to keep packing rice cakes and Snack & Go Apple Pouches eac
h day before we send them off to school. What will their teachers tell them? Tha
t We the People of the United States almost achieved Infamy with a modern day Ca
ligula, only to throw it all away? And for what? A wonky Wellesley graduate who
is so eager to discuss policy that she once said Amen because she got to talk abou
t urban development while participating in a think tank symposium, instead of ha
ving to listen to someone talk about penises?
The horror.
2016 ElectionPoliticsDonald TrumpHillary ClintonHumor
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Go to the profile of Devorah Blachor
Devorah Blachor
The Feminists Guide to Raising a Little Princess (forthcoming from Tarcher/Pengui
n 2017). Also essays, humor, novels and post-it notes.
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the same political rants you see on Facebook, but theyre well written.
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