Madi Whitlock

English101 11:30am
Instructor: Alexia Hall
22 February 2016

Loving an Addict
Essay #1

As a young girl, I always dreamed of a man that would love me

endlessly. I kept up with magazine articles and read all about the romantic

relationships of famous stars to discover what relationships were like. I

carefully observed the love between people all around me because I never
had parents to demonstrate love or teach me what its about. I longed for
love from afar and one day I met my match. I was fifteen years old when I
moved in with my grandparents and started a new school. Shortly after, I
met a guy who soon became my best friend. His name was Elliott. I
remember the first time I laid eyes on him, and he stared directly back at
me, as if I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. I grew to love the
way he looked at me and I grew to love him as well. A couple months later,
we decided to ditch school for the day and walked to a nearby neighborhood.
Our eyes met and for a moment I became lost inside his icy sparkling blue
eyes. I realized I was in love and I wanted nothing more but to be with him. I
was aware he had a history with drugs, but I loved him for his beautiful soul
so I looked past that. A few days later I officially became his girlfriend and
from then on we spent every moment together. I let my guard down and let
him inside. He memorized almost every detail about me, loved me for all of
my imperfections, and recognized my every mood and facial expression. The
connection we built was impeccable which made it seem unfathomable.
All of a sudden this romantic love story went to shit. My best friend
began to slowly transform into someone I couldnt even recognize. The way
he spoke to me changed drastically: we began to argue, and I developed this
strong feeling that he was hiding something from me. The signs became
more clear and I had confirmation that he was using again. He became

sloppy and quickly reached a point in which he was so far gone that he didnt
give a shit who knew. We had only been together for a few months before I
began to physically and mentally feel the pain he caused me. At this age I
was nave and I never thought a man would love me the way he did. I stood
by his side through extended hospital visits, withdrawals, and verbal abuse.
My relationships with my family and friends began to weaken as they started
to give up on me, and I was beginning to give up on myself too. I believed I
could change him and I learned the hard way that I couldnt as his drug
abuse continued to grow worse. I was officially sick and tired of being sick
and tired. The fights were longer, louder, and became a bit physical. I
witnessed the heroin consume the man I was madly in love with and
transform him into a stranger.
He used to say Baby girl, youre all I ever dreamed of, so please dont
leave. I need you. If you leave I will have no one and I will be as good as
dead. What am I to do now? Leave him and be responsible for his purposeful
over dose? I refused. I continued forgiving him as well as providing him
numerous chances to get sober. He made the same choice every time, but I
didnt give up because I believed in his good heart and strong potential. I
believed he obtained the strength to overcome his addiction and I wanted to
support him along the way. I started to become very bitter and I lost myself. I
lost my hope, personality, and fulfillment of life. Madi was gone.
I prayed for him to recover soon, but his using continued to skyrocket.
While he went to rehab can you guess who stuck by his side? By this point I

was full of anger and resentment. I finally began to understand he was not
going to change for me and that he probably never would.
After he was released from rehab for the second time, he was right
back to it. I specifically remember going to his house the same day, using the
restroom, and catching a glimpse of something shiny behind the trash can. I
moved the trash can and discovered a syringe, a little bit of blood at the tip,
and a dried dark brown residue inside. I was disgusted. I picked up the used
syringed and immediately charged into his bedroom demanding an
explanation. I broke down and shouted the same words repeatedly, How
Elliott? Why? How could you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this!
He would always attempt to deny it at first. Baby no! I swear that
must have been old! Im clean now, I swear! I swear! That was when I truly
lost it. I screamed and cried at the top of my lungs. I argued with him, I lost
control, and I put my hands on him. For ten minutes, or so, I was completely
insane. All I remember is seeing red spots as I continuously punched and
kicked him every time he touched me.
I fucking hate you! Youre a piece of shit and you deserve the worst
were my exact words before I escaped the house and sprinted down the
street as he chased after me. I sat on the curb and cried my heart out. I had
never felt pain cut that deep.
Youre the love of my life Madisen Lynn Whitlock. Please dont leave
me baby, I need you. I am going to change, I promise. I am trying but its just

so hard. He pleaded. He repeated these exact words so frequently that I

could recite them in my sleep. I walked home that night and battled within
my own thoughts. Once I reached my house, I laid down on the grass out
front and screamed. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I could no longer
bare the pain.
Eventually he was kicked out of his house and his last resort was to live
with his best friend Jordan who lived all the way in Queen Creek. I remember
Jordan grabbing my shoulders and staring deep into my eyes.
Madi, I promise you everything is going to be okay. I will not let Elliott
get away with that shit in my house. If he tries to, you will be the first to
know Jordan reassured me. But, I still felt uneasy. Elliott was sly, shady, and
good at hiding his addiction. The man I had grown to love was legitimately
gone and I slowly witnessed the whole process.
Of course nothing changed while he was living with Jordan, as a matter
of fact, his using only became worse. He began to steal from Jordan and his
family which eventually led to being kicked out of Jordans house too. I felt
like he was close to dying. I knew something had to be done quickly, so, I
reached out to his dad who lives in Illinois. I took it upon myself to explain
the situation as well as ask for his help.
His dad thanked me and firmly stated, Madi, sweetheart, you cannot
change him. He will change only if he wants to. He has to find it within
himself. Do me a favor, try to convince him to move out here. I will buy his

plane ticket, but hurry, he does not have much time. That was when reality
slapped me in the face and I came to the conclusion that nothing I say or do
will ever change him. Thankfully, his dad purchased the plane ticket and
somehow I convinced Elliott to leave. It was a difficult experience for us, but I
was so angry and hurt by him, I WANTED him to be states away from me.
As we stood in front of the gate while Elliotts plane was boarding he
handed me his lucky necklace. He wore this necklace every day and he
looked at me and said, I want you to have this. It will bring you good luck
and you deserve it more than I do. Youre my soulmate. I am sorry it had to
be this way. I love you with every ounce of me and I will come back for you.
Then he wrapped his arms around me and held me for what he didnt know
was the last time.
My tears stained his shirt and I bawled like a baby before kissing him
once more then letting him go. Although he put me through hell, I still
wanted to love him and be with him every day. I would never connect with
another human being the way I did with him; however, I knew in my heart
that it was time to let go. It took me a year and a half to realize my love
would never be enough for him to change. An addiction is a chronic disease
and there is nothing anyone can say or do to change it. If a person is ready
to change, they have to find the power to do so within themselves.
At almost seventeen years old I experienced the damage an addict can
cause and discovered that I cannot control everything. I started attending AL-

Anon meetings and support groups to learn about addiction. AL-Anon taught
me the only way to deal with an addict is to love and support them. Being
angry and resentful towards addicts results in the addict drawing further
into their addiction. From my relationship with Elliott I learned there needs to
be set boundaries. At the end of this relationship I experienced growth.
Loving an addict taught me that love cannot fix a person, they have to fix
themselves and you have to accept the fact that you cannot change them. A
few months after the end of our relationship I felt stronger and wiser. I found
my way back.