DISILLUSIONMENT

DEVIN R. HENDRICKS

A SHORT COLLECTION OF POEMS AND PROSE

ILLUSTRATED BY DYLAN B. HENDRICKS

DISILLUSIONMENT
1

From My Mother
I knew the moment Doctor

Pillai said its a girl, I

would spend the rest of my life worrying. Wondering
what you would think of yourself. Wondering what
others would think of you.
Girls always experience this sense of being looked at.
By others, and more importantly themselves. Why is my
nose so big? Why are my breasts so flat? Why dont I
look like her? Its the self questioning that destroys
us.
Being a little is girl hard. Being a woman is harder.
Being a mother is terrifying. Initially I worried what
if she isnt

pretty? What if she is picked on? But as I

became more aware of the world we live in I feared
youd be beautiful. Bullying is much easier to survive
than beauty. Living in isolation is easier than being
someone's fascination.
I watched as you became prettier, smarter, more
passionate than I ever imagined. So strong headed and
free willed. I watched as you lived with no cares and
and I thought that you were okay. I worried, but at
the end of the day I thought that you were okay.

DISILLUSIONMENT
2

Humanity
I was lying there still.
My face flat against the ground.
My arms pinned to my side.
I felt as though I was
More like a mannequin than a human.
My body felt sharp and stiff like
Their shiny hard plastic bodies.
Then my bare knees were forced
Apart on the rough concrete.
I felt my skin snag across the
Pavement, warm pools of blood stuck
To my knees and thighs.
I no longer felt like a mannequin,
But still I felt like something
Made by man. Not human.

DISILLUSIONMENT
3

Daddy
one day in early july
i remember running late to school
and as i hurried down the staircase
my Dad yelled that my dress was too short.
he said dressing that way is how
young girls get taken advantage of.
i walked back up the stairs,
slowly, and Changed.

DISILLUSIONMENT
4

Disillusionment
I thought if I got away things would get better. I
thought if I left town, if I met new people, if I
started a new life, that it would fade away. Mom
thought it was a good idea too. A fresh start.
We were wrong. Moving to a strange place with a wound
this raw was a mistake. I needed the warmth of my
parent's house to nurse me back to health. I needed
the comfort of a familiar friend to stabilize my
shaking legs. These concrete walkways and sky high
buildings are my labyrinth. Im a prisoner to my
memory. My inability to forget entraps me.
I pull the poison of my cigarette into my mouth and
hope it burns away the filth he left inside of me. A
fresh start isnt what I thought Id be.

DISILLUSIONMENT
5

Vino
It smells seductive, deep,

sultry, and pungent. It is

strong but yet settle. It

tastes bold, smooth, and oaky.

The dark purple color leaves

a rim on my lips and

mouth. I start
With one
glass

and
then
the

bottle runs out.

DISILLUSIONMENT
6

Phone Call From Dad

Dad: Your mother thinks you have a drinking problem.
Me: But Im only 21 and Im just having fun. I dont
have to finish the bottle of wine before bed, I choose
to. I could stop if I wanted. Shes just being cruel.
Dad: Okay, be safe. I love you.

DISILLUSIONMENT
7

Issue
Youve been stuck in my head
Id rather have you in bed
You think Im out of my mind
Just get me out of this dress
Id rather be in your arms
Instead of here at the bar
I always take it too far
Ive got an issue

DISILLUSIONMENT
8

New Addiction
I never knew my favorite color
until I saw his eyes.
He was my own personal rehab
until I realized I was
now only addicted to him
instead of wine.

DISILLUSIONMENT
9

Missing You
The feelings dont fade,
Unless Im getting faded.
Drink until my visions blurry Until my thoughts are all jaded.
Chasing vodka with tequila
Until I only know your name.
Crying on the bathroom floor
Begging for some cocaine.
Now Im getting wasted,
Lifes a waste without you in it.
Please come back home Just hold me for a minute.

DISILLUSIONMENT
10

Acceptance
As I crawled through traffic on the 101 freeway,
returning to LA after spending a night in Santa
Barbara, I couldn't stop myself from taking a detour
onto Harbor Boulevard. I somehow remembered to take
the first left and follow the road until I hit the
shore. He brought me here one day last fall. He
chased me to the ocean where I let him catch me only
to avoid going into the water. He grabbed my waist
and spun me towards him. It was windy and my hair blew
across my face. He smoothed it away, tucking it neatly
behind my ears, and then tilted my chin up so that I
was forced to meet his gaze. I pressed my toes
against the wet sand, stretching up to kiss him as a
wave crashed upon us. He laughed and I screamed. I
was much more wet than preferred on a cold October
afternoon.
Its much warmer today but the wind is stronger.
Im walking along the same path, from the harbor to
the jetty, this time leaving one trail of damp
footprints instead of two.
I hadnt seen him in several months until
yesterday. I was just in town for one night, to see a
friend, but I felt compelled to stop by his place.
Ive been there a thousand times, yet I felt strange
and uncomfortable. The moment I saw him I felt my
throat constrict and my eyes dampen; the emotions I
had buried deep inside me came quickly back to the
surface. I knew he wouldnt be chasing me to the
shore ever again. He is now chasing someone else.
Making footprints with someone else. Taking someone
else to his favorite beach

DISILLUSIONMENT
11

Perhaps coming back here is overstepping the

boundary, invading his privacy. This is his special
place not mine, yet Im oddly comforted here. The
sound of the ocean calms me, it reminds me of his
calming presence. I jog into the waves willingly this
time, fully aware no one is chasing me.
Being here without him hurts. Reliving this
moment alone is like squeezing a lemon into an open
wound. I knew it would cause me pain but I proceeded
anyways. I walk along the same path, from the harbor
to the jetty, this time leaving one trail of damp
footprints instead of two.