PROPOSAL ARGUMENT FULL DRAFT PEER REVIEW writer Ale\ Pena Address the following as you read the paper: 1 2, 3 4. Highlight any use of 2" person in the essay a y Ps - Highlight words and phrases that are particularly effective, vivid, and memorable. Which sentences seem particularly effective? Place (8) next to them, . Circle words and phrases that seem dull, vague, unclear, and include suggestions for improvement. Underline any rhetorical questions in the essay. Mark any errors in spelling, punctuation, or capitalization, Address the following after you have read the paper: 7. What is the defined need or problem that the proposal addresses? View Game MWicxun 12. 13. 14 15. 16. or weak for the audience or the writer’s purpose, Is the thesis clear and concise? W / N Is it immediately evident why the clai is important? Y/N Write the claim using the following formula: A should do B because of C. Nzrasols (A) dhsbd\ sce {B) bos, fhe peableo (+ cos ‘What appears to be the strongest evidence offered for the claim? Place (3) next to it in the document. ‘What evidence needs to be strengthened? Place (4) next to it in the document. Does the proposal appear fe Feasibility? Woo dave legseintiian vides pone or nbd celle Mirisbe le? Y 19 1fnot, what might the writer consider in order to address Who do you feel is the intended audience? Does the paper appear to address that audience? (Y )) N Nvcerste + How does the writer establish credibility in the essay? twule sourves and eleotiu ‘What has the writer used as a hook for the audience? Does the hook fit logically to support claim? @°Y N Vides ome adlinion is 0 serrnat pnelea. How are the parts of the argument organized? Is this organization effective? Y / N Will readers understand the relationships among the claims, supporting reasons, warrants, and evidence? Y J N If not, what could be done to make those connections clearer? Are more transitional words and phrases needed? Would graphic devices help? (sau sway to 2 enna18. Does the writer utilize the eorrect MLA formatting style and documentation for all parenthetical and bibliographical citations? 'W/ N Provide suggestions in document. (Vere cfeavioay 19, Are all quotations appropriately introduced with introductory signal phrases (such as “As Wilson argues,...”) and blended smoothly into the writer’s sentence structure? @ / N Provide suggestions for improvement. Norv ples 20. Overall, what comments do you have for how this essay could be improved? Wr je comments on essay. ed tepie lous tosh tary vas be tl a ad bow Neh teger, Compe be he: Mazel e hae: on cblijoran te morinree probes, taking o Dry cled owt of vedas gome abusen is bad bagi ler aves Some compoay TL iBlonald hol be the opverament,Abel Pena Professor Bevill ENGL 1302-06 21 November 2016 ' Video Game Addiction ropooa e pedscivesion Video game addiction affects more than an estimated 15% of video game playérs. Video game addiction, like other forms of addiction, is a serious issue and can lead to many other problems socially, physically,and financially. Those who play video games addictively may eventually suffer from many social problems such as weakened relations with friends and family, a decline in social skills, and social awkwardness. These players may also suffer from problems physically, developing carpal tunnel syndrome, chronic back problems, sleep deprivation and in very extreme cases, death. Video game addiction is a serious issue which is not as widely known as a serious problem even though those that are addicted can be seriously damaged by this addiction. There needs to be more widespread recognition of video game addiction to help those that may need it. Many parents may be unaware of the problems excessive video game playing may cause. The players themselves are also at fault due to ‘their denial ofthe problem they may have, Microsoft should create an awareness program forall players to i increas? a avnreness of [4 video game addiction and to help prevent it. ‘Video game addiction is a serious issue that affects more and more people today. This form of addiction that can affect everybody who has access to video games can lead to serious consequences. Players will spend a large amount of their time playing video games which leaves them with no time to put into other activities or responsibilities one may have. Some players get addicted due to the game’s addictive nature and will affect players in ways that are unnoticed andPena 2 repter bones denied by the addict. Player's relationships with friends and family will decline due to not: raat rene spending time with them and choosing to play games instead. Those addicted also neglect the social interactions with others instead replacing them with in game relationships and social responsibilities. Physically, players will also suffer with an increased risk for developing carpal tunnel syndrome, chronic back problems and an unhealthy diet, Video game addiction is an unrecognized disease that must be recognized by gamers as a possible illness. In order to help prevent video game addiction and spread awareness of this problem, Microsoft should create an awareness program for players. An awareness program created by a large tech company who has a large share in the video game market will make a large impact in the gaming community, according to Microsoft's earning release of the second quarter of the 2016 fiscal year, the amount of xbox live players increased 30% to a record 48 million active users (Earnings Release 1). Microsoft has a large amount of players they can possibly reach and inform on video game addiction, Microsoft can release mass messages to xbox live users through their consoles and the xbox app on computers that could redirect users to a video or website educating them on the consequences of video game addiction. Additionally, those who believe that they or someone they know could be affected could find out how and where to get help. ‘New users will have to go through the website before being able to play on their console or Computer so that all users understand video game addiction, This would help spread awareness to players and let them know of the consequences of video game addiction and how to prevent obsessive game play. Most games have a small disclaimer warning players to take a fifteen-minute break for every hour that you play but this disclaimer is not very effective at stopping players. According to a poll on The Escapist, out of 153 players, only 8 players take breaks during gaming sessions (1).Pena 5 = Works Cited “Poll: A Fifteen Minute Break Every Hour?” Poll: A Fifteen Minute Break Every Hour?, The \ Escapist, 5 Mar. 2009. “Earnings Release FY 16 Q2.” Earnings Release FY16 Q2, Mert gun Consider. vision even Comgsign hare les? ahem wrth matey ce Fr