Lopez 1

Revision reflection

In my narrative essay the comments stated that my writing was really

disorganized. I needed to be more specific so I extended my dialogue more
and I used more transition words. That helped the story flow more into first,
second, and last. I went more in detail talking about me being bullied and
how I felt instead of just saying it made me felt. I incorporated into my
essay more emotion and feel as if someone can relate to my story. I used the
transitioning more towards the 2nd and last paragraph. My sentences in my
original essay were short and it wouldnt really explain anything about me
and it focused more on information of how type 2 diabetes inherit in my
family.
I was looking more into my family instead of it focusing on me and how
its affecting me to fix it. In the original essay it sounded more factual of
type 2 and how it affects other people. My revised essay included how I
turned myself around and didnt want to come to the result of getting that
and how it changed me. I was more in detail of how it shouldnt affect others
negatively if youre unhappy about yourselves. I also corrected the words
that werent really doing my essay good like eventually or basically. I made
my essay sound more first person and incorporate more vocabulary. I made it
more clear that if it werent for bullies I wouldnt have become who I am
today.