Paper3 (1).

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by Ryder Fuhrman

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PAPER3__1_.DOCX (9.97K)

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27-NOV-2016 10:56PM

WORD COUNT

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SUBMISSION ID

743316611

CHARACT ER COUNT

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Go for a unique title.

2
Combine

par.
6

Again, none
of the
suggestions
I've made
were taken...

I argue that this paragraph would be more effective if

broken into two paragraphs, one a concession (yes,
Pollan's third rule is partially correct), the second a
critique of the rule about plants. And there could be a
third paragraph about the tricky point about processed
foods???

Repet it ive

we need to stay

Frame this
quote. If you
don't know what
that means, go
back to the
class session
on quoting
(Week 9).
Frag.

10

See the
comment on
that draft I sent
before break.

Could you say

that Pollan
should have
included a rule
about activity
level? That fits
well with this idea
that Pollan

11

By whom? A
common
saying? An
actual person?

This paragraph could benefit

from support. Yes, it seems like
common sense that exercise is
a piece of the health puzzle, but
you've been asked to do
research for this paper. Include
support!

12
Vague Language

Now that
you've
deleted the
quote, this
ending is
abrupt. It
doesn't seem
"end-like." Do
you feel that?

HI

Cite this source like an article in an

online journal.

ABC

Web page title?

14

It al.

Work on this citation.

It al.

Paper3 (1).docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

10

SIMILARIT Y INDEX

10%

1%

7%

INT ERNET SOURCES

PUBLICAT IONS

ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
2
3

michaelpollan.com
Int ernet Source

Submitted to Columbia Basin College

St udent Paper

Submitted to Northwest State Community

College

2%
2%
2%

St udent Paper

Submitted to Eastern New Mexico University,

Portales

1%

St udent Paper

5
6
7

www.healthevidence.org
Int ernet Source

foodandnutrition.org
Int ernet Source

Submitted to Saint Leo University

St udent Paper

1%
1%
1%

EXCLUDE QUOT ES

OFF

EXCLUDE
BIBLIOGRAPHY

ON

EXCLUDE MAT CHES

OFF

Paper3 (1).docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor
Ryder,

Since you've made very f ew and most surf ace

changes since I saw the paper last, I don't have a lot
more to say than I did when I commented on the
draf t the f irst time. In particular, I'm still concerned
about the f act that you almost seem to be taking
Pollan's rules out of context when you argue against
them. See the comments in both the f irst draf t that I
commented on and this paper f or more.

If you revise, I'd suggest you tackle some changes

to your thesis. See the pink highlighted comment at
the end of the review of opinions paragraph. Since
your paper is a response to Pollan, you could
mention him and his rules in your thesis.

Second, undertake some changes to the

organization and synthesis phrases of your review
of opinions paragraphs.

T hird, like I mentioned bef ore, f ocus on making your

f irst two body paragraphs more organized. See the
comment at the end of the f irst body paragraph (I
would consider the body to begin af ter the review of
opinions).

Fourth, work on end-text citation, especially. See

the comments there. You also need to use "par." to
indicate when a number is a paragraph number, not a
page number.

Finally (although it probably should happen f irst), I'd

still suggest that you rethink your approach to
Pollan's essay. T he arguments that you make f or
eating lean meats and eating a variety of f oods
aren't exactly opposites of what Pollan says. A
stronger approach to the argument is to f ocus on
how Pollan should have phrased his rules to avoid
misinterpretation or too much restriction. You seem
to half say that's what you want to do at the end of
the review of opinions, but your support paragraphs
don't precisely do this.

We can talk more about this in your conf erence, if

you wish.

PAGE 1

Text Comment.

Go f or a unique title.

Comment 1
T he suggestions I made in the draf t I sent back to you bef ore break haven't been made....? Are
there reasons f or that?

Please look at that pdf f ile f or the changes I suggested.

Comment 2
Is this a paragraph number? Place "par." bef ore it, if so.
QM

Combine
Combine sentences to avoid wordiness or repetition.

Comment 3
Notice that the quote actually doesn't clearly ref er to Pollan's rules. Can you choose a
dif f erent part of the quote? Or would it be more ef f ective to paraphrase to avoid this problem?
PAGE 2

Comment 4
T his statement is very interesting, and it's actually a stronger argument. However, it doesn't

T his statement is very interesting, and it's actually a stronger argument. However, it doesn't
match up well with your thesis. T he end of your review of opinions should match up with your
thesis.

Actually, this sentence is a good way to bring up what seems like a weakness in the logic of
your argument. On one hand, your issue is whether or not Pollan's rules are good ones f or a
healthy lif estyle. T his issue should lead to an argument that is closely related to Pollan's rules.
But your thesis doesn't exactly embrace that relationship: this thesis could be in any paper
about healthy lif estyles. So a stronger thesis might be one that mentions Pollan and critiques
his rules with the idea that health isn't just about eating.

Does that make sense?

Comment 5
T his is a nice addition, but it should be placed in the middle of the paragraph, not the end. End
of your own idea and how it connects to the views of others.

Text Comment.

par.

Comment 6
In general, your review of opinions paragraph could really benef it f rom statements like these:
"T he popularity of Pollan's books has led to a lot of debate about..." "Many writers and the
general population seem to be very happy with his easy to f ollow rules...." "However, a f ew
critics have come out against Pollan's ideas..."

Comment 7
T he connection between sentences is choppy. How about "T his is my f irst concern with
Pollan's third rule--it doesn't invite us to..."

Text Comment.

Again, none of the suggestions I've made were taken...

Text Comment.

I argue that this paragraph would be more ef f ective if broken into two
paragraphs, one a concession (yes, Pollan's third rule is partially correct), the second a critique
of the rule about plants. And there could be a third paragraph about the tricky point about
processed f oods???
PAGE 3

QM

Repetitive
Unnecessary repetition:
Avoid redundant use of words or phrases. Be aware of what is inherent to the words you
choose to use, e.g. you would not write "the resulting ef f ects" as "ef f ects" are results and thus
are always resulting f rom something. Also be aware of what the acronyms and abbreviations

you use stand f or, e.g. when using the acronym "AT M" you should not write "AT M machine" as
"machine" is already in the acronym.

Text Comment.

Frame this quote. If you don't know what that means, go back to the class
session on quoting (Week 9).

Text Comment.
QM

we need to stay

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Strikethrough.
Comment 9
Is it Chen or Chin? T here is a dif f erence between the Works Cited and in-text citations.

Comment 10
But doesn't this point support something that Pollan said--that we shouldn't eat processed
f oods? Ultimately, it seems like you haven't actually internalized Pollan's argument, but just
taken his three rules out of the context of the essay and are arguing against them without
considering the context.

Text Comment.

See the comment on that draf t I sent bef ore break.

Text Comment.

Could you say that Pollan should have included a rule about activity level?
T hat f its well with this idea that Pollan should have expanded his rules.
PAGE 4

Comment 11
T wo words. T o "work out" is a verb; a "workout" is the noun.

Text Comment.
Text Comment.

By whom? A common saying? An actual person?

T his paragraph could benef it f rom support. Yes, it seems like common
sense that exercise is a piece of the health puzzle, but you've been asked to do research f or
this paper. Include support!

PAGE 5

Comment 12
OK, the point seems more linked now, but this point is still the odd man out.
QM

Vague Language
Words like "things," "aspects," "something," "this," and "that" are of ten very vague. Work on
using concrete nouns that will paint pictures in a readers head.

Text Comment.

Now that you've deleted the quote, this ending is abrupt. It doesn't seem
"end-like." Do you f eel that?
PAGE 6

Text Comment.
QM

Cite this source like an article in an online journal.

HI
Don't f orget hanging indent!

QM

ABC
Don't f orget alphabetical order!

Strikethrough.
Text Comment.

Web page title?

Comment 14
T he publisher would be the school that is associated with the inf o (this is an .edu).
QM

Ital.
Italicize

Text Comment.
PAGE 7

QM

Ital.
Italicize

Strikethrough.

Work on this citation.