<BREATHE>

Nevaeh Sandoval
Humanities- Max
10/26/16
The Power Within 1st Draft

Blood and tears drip off her skin as I go throughout my day.

Bathtub stained with red spots as I tuck myself into bed.
Thoughts corrode her brain at night as I close my eyes.

When theres a mold of expectation that you can't fit, no wonder you're not

content.

5th grade. <PAUSE> (CUE IMAGE SCHOOL) 5th grade there were no
worries just homework. 5th grade is when my mom let my friend come over to
hang out at my house. I never really had my friends from school over too much, so
our moms letting us hang out was a pretty big deal. We took trips to the tennis
court down the street and wed have picnics there.

We got really close that fall of 2012.

Throughout that year we had sleepovers. (CUE FLYER) So much actually that
when we were sad or needed to talk, we would sit on the floor of our rooms and
have a pow wow. We called them this so we had an excuse to cry and be an
emotional mess. Yeah real tough being an 11 year old. <PAUSE> W
e would talk
about current 5th grade struggles and boys.

Throughout the months it felt as if everything started to get a bit heavier. It didnt
feel normal.<PAUSE>
Things didnt really turn for the better. (CUE IMAGE CLOUD)

I guess you could say that over a period of time our pow wows became a lot
more serious. A lot more needed. It came to a point where I felt guilty that I didnt
have to deal with some of the stuff she did. As if I had it too good.

She became filled with tired, weary feelings. I knew her, I knew when she was
faking it. I just wish I confirmed that earlier, took matters into my own hands.

This was draining.

Its 2014. <PAUSE> Its been 3 years since we havent been in the same class.

Countless nights shed text me. She was in search of help. I tried giving her the
resources and encouraged her to tell someone other than myself. She didnt.
<PAUSE>This has been over a course of years. Now text included doubts of our
friendship. Blaming herself. She felt distant, I guess we were. I couldnt be there
for her everyday and it hurt me immensely.

On my 14th birthday she gave me a notebook. (CUE IMAGE NOTEBOOK) All

white and smaller than my hand. She had been writing in it for a month minus one
day before giving it to me. She gave it to me along with good intentions and
gratitude.

February 26th, 2014: This notebook will represent realness, loyalness, nobleness,
love and a christ-centered friendship that will last forever. This is my letter to you,
my true sister.

Our letters to each other consisted of the these things. <PAUSE> A

nd an immense
amount of honesty.

Her entries had so much thought behind it, words Id imagine that (CUE IMAGE
WRITER) wise 56 year old poet in a coffee shop would use. But yet again so many
silly moments, getting caught up in her favorite tv shows and hobbies. Sounding
like that (CUE IMAGE KID) enthusiastic 4 year old on a sugar high. But these
characteristics blend together so perfectly to make the best (CUE IMAGE
TYPEWRITER) writer in my eyes. <PAUSE>This is who she was.

When its my turn to have the notebook I read over what she wrote.
<PAUSE>Her voice plays in my head as I read over the words she so carefully
chose. I imagine her writing it, living it. I notice her neat handwriting- when
talking about the good parts in her day to later transform into (CUE IMAGE
PAGE) chicken scratch and tear soaked pages.

March 19th, 2014: I hurt so much, I dont know what to do anymore.

<PAUSE>Spreaded ink bled into the page due to her salty tears that rained over
her world of writing she created with a dark blue pen.

She was unhappy. (CUE IMAGE MIRROR1) <PAUSE> And she wasnt content
(CUE IMAGE MIRROR 2) with a lot of things in her (CUE IMAGE MIRROR 3)
life at that time.

The day she told me all that happened. <PAUSE>We couldnt meet in person
because we were always both busy. (CUE FLYER) Or maybe it was just
me.<PAUSE> I got a call. Friday night, August 1st 2014:

Nevaeh you know that thing Ive been trying to tell you?
Yeah Ive been waiting for you to tell me, sounds urgent.
Well theres been a word floating about my head and Ive decided to tell you what
that is.
Dude just tell me already?
Well, it starts with an s.
Okay go tell me.
I dont want this to change anything.
Tell me
It's hard.

Tell me
Suuuuicidee.
<LONG PAUSE>
A single tear hits the back of my hand faster than I could make it move to end the
call. <PAUSE> She didnt want to be here on this earth. She felt hopeless. She felt
broken. I understood her reasonings.

Ive never sobbed that hard before until that night. <PAUSE>On the floor of my
bathroom, crying. I felt sick. I lied there for a while. Piecing together the things she
might have hinted to me before. That I never caught onto. They all made sense
now. I lied there on the floor alone. I guess this is how she might have ended up
after a long day. On her bathroom floor. (CUE IMAGE BATHROOM) Now that
night I held with me grief and despair. Pity even. For her instead of holding pity
that I held,<PAUSE> (CUE IMAGE PIN) she held a push pin to her skin.

The little things throughout our childhood,<PAUSE> The hints of inadequacy is

what hit me that very first day of August. Those things she did, the things she said.
They all made sense.

She always quoted this from Audrey Hepburn: (CUE IMAGE AUDREY)
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm,
<PAUSE>as you get older, remember you have another hand. The first is to help
yourself, <PAUSE> the second--- to help others. I questioned why her helping
hand never attended to her needs. Never offered help to herself. (CUE FLYER)

We were 11 the first time she cut. <PAUSE> S

he came to my house a few days
after. It was Sunday. She had thin cuts across her face. The oblivious kid I was, I
bought the story she made up on the spot. oh dont worry I just slid against a
branch or something. Its nothing really. Before going to church my mother
put scar cream on her face. (CUE IMAGE CREAM) I watched My mom as she
slid her hand against my friends cheek. The same stroke and movement as Id
imagine she made her push pin do.

It also made me think about how her dad wouldnt let her eat red meat. There
would always be teasing about her (CUE IMAGE GIRL DRAWING) image while
at the house. A jokes a joke until it not a joke anymore. Hey but no offense.
None taken until the day it floods your mind to be the only thing your father ever
pointed out about yourself.<PAUSE> The only thing to ever be noticed.

She felt small. So she wanted to be small. (CUE IMAGE BODY) <PAUSE>This
turned into eating disorders. Anorexia and Bulimia. Starving herself, telling me
shes not hungry. How could you be full if you havent eaten all day? 8 pounds
lost in a month. No one told her anything, yet again it went unnoticed. Complete
silence and absence of praise filled her sorrowful bones. <PAUSE> B
ulimia hit.
Sudden purging of food. Raiding the fridge late at night. Its 11:30. We would be
on facetime and a full sandwich would be present. Its 12:00 now, call ended. Its
now thrown up in the toilet along with the rest of her ambitions.

Maybe thats why she never wanted to sit next to that kid back in 3rd grade.
(CUE IMAGE SCHOOL KIDS) He was quite strange but no one thought anything
of it. She looked scared, uncomfortable. People took this as her normal state.
<PAUSE> I did. He didnt keep his hands to himself yet she kept her words quite.
Mute, no ability to speak. She couldnt speak up for herself. He took advantage of
her because she didnt put herself first. <PAUSE> C
ouldnt see her importance and
self worth as a child. Her voice hadnt developed.

It was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that that is how she coped
with things. (CUE IMAGE CUTTING) How she coped with her childhood
struggles, her situation, her voice not being heard, abuse, loss, eating disorders,
<PAUSE>everything.

Pretty little lines gave her comfort when my words couldnt.

Tears washed her face when her well of comfort ran dry.
Suicide crossed her mind as often as the clock ticks. (CUE IMAGE CLOCK)
<PAUSE>Counting away possible last breathes and last thoughts.

Pain and sadness are now romanticized in her own thoughts. (CUE IMAGE GUY
SITTING) <PAUSE> A perfect duo that marry the feelings of inadequacy and self
doubt within herself.

Evil is definitely out there because I watched it make my best friend bleed.

I never imagined myself going to the extent she pushed when sad.<PAUSE> I
never accepted suicide or self harm as an answer. But admitting it full heartedly
these thoughts slowly tried convincing me that these could be possible options.

Never have I fully listened to the quiet, <PAUSE>painful murmurs but I

understand the power those whispers held in her life. I know that those whispers
she heard transitioned into shouts, into screams. <PAUSE>This is the lie that holds
her. That comforts her.

How couldn't I have blamed myself? How couldn't I have felt accountable.
Thoughts of guilt and sadness lived in my brain, as I allowed them to.
<PAUSE>Her suicide letter to me has branded itself into my brain, Forever
imprinted on me. This problem I couldnt solve was hurting me. But it caused me
to feel raw things for the first time. I felt pain. A lot of pain. <PAUSE>I felt
sadness. Deeply. <PAUSE>But I also felt love. So much love for someone's well
being and existence. So much hope in someone. But also so much confusion in
what was so easy for me to see in her, that she couldnt. (CUE FLYER)

We made a promise. A promise that she will stay here with me on this earth. We
agreed that the world is an ugly place but we together would make it better.
<PAUSE>

Hey Kid

Hey love, whats up

I just wanted to let you know that through everything that's happened and that's
happening, in the end <PAUSE> I going to be okay. (CUE PAINTING)

Smile forever present on my face as I hear these words escape from her heart.

Never will I take moments like these for granted ever again. <PAUSE>

This experience was never the prettiest and it was never intended to be when it
started back in 2011, but Im learning a lot about myself. The worth I hold and the
worth others hold. <PAUSE>Im still learning to love myself and and others
everyday on a deeper level. Learning to be content with our skin and whats
buried underneath it. Scars engraved into her skin are a reminder of tough
times and hurting, but they are also there to show that she can overcome all
things. I find power in light. <PAUSE> But what is light without darkness?