AdamAlvord

PowerWithin
BREATHE
<CUEIMAGE:TABLE>Ihatethisstupidtable,although(...)atthesame
timeits^
k indofcharming^.Itsjustaloongandsimplepaddedtable,easyand
functional.Elevatedenoughforadoctor,orsurgeontoexamineapatient,butbreath
shortenoughforalotofthekidsto,jumpupontothegreenfabric.^
R
egardlessof
itsquirksIdespiseitforitspurpose .EachyearorsoIsitonthistable,andthis
summerwasnodifferent.Myfathersatinalowerchairbymysideaswewaited
patientlyforawomanwhoscometoknowmeratherwell.Afterall,shesonly
knownmemy entirelife .
^Dr.Pringishername,andtitleforthatmatter,anorthopedicsurgeon
whosworkedsincemybirthinanattempttocorrectmya bnormalitiesYou
see,Iwasbornwitha<
CUEIMAGE:XRAYS>c ongenitalshortfemur.This
meansthatmyrightfemurbonewouldntgrownormally.Instead,itwouldgrow
notonlys lower,butc urved,causingmyrightlegtobeshorterthanmyleft,along
withsomeotherboneproblems.
Myfirstexperienceswiththesecorrectionsinvolvedtheinstallationofa
metallicplateontotheoutsideofmyfemurwhenIwastwoandahalfyearsold.I
1

dontremembertoomuchaboutit,s inceIwasveryyoung,butneverthelessIm
leftwithap ermanentreminderoftheevent.Thiswasmyfirstsurgery,andthusleft
mewiththe^
f irstoftheu glypatchesofscarredskinthata dornmyrightleg .
<CUEIMAGE:WCAST>T
he14yearsthatfollowedthatfirstsurgery
furtherdetailedmylegwithvaryingscars.<
CUEIMAGE:GCAST>L
onglines
downthesideofmyleganda crossmyhipmarkabonegraftdonetogetasection
ofmyfemurgrowingabitstraighter.<
CUEIMAGE:BED>A
fewmorelong
linestellofwhentheoriginalplatewaseventuallytradedoutforthreelarger,adult
sizedtitaniumrods(...)
Whatdoyouwanttodoforlunch?Myfatherbreaksthesilence.<
CUE
IMAGE:DAD>I pullbackintothemomentandreply.
Notsure.Imightjusteatathome,unlessyouwanttogetsomething.
Unfortunatelymymindisstillontheappointment,notfood.Ivealreadybeen
staredat,q uestioned,andxrayedjustlikeeveryyear.Nextontheagendaisfor
Dr.Pringtocomein,askmeifanythingisw
orsethanitnormallyis,andhaveme
doafewtricks...Thisgenerallyinvolveshermovingmylegaroundabit,then
havingmejogthehospitalhallwayinanu
ncomfortablys hortpairofpapershorts
Idstillbewearingfromthexrays.Shellmarvelforaf ewmomentsathowIlook

kindofnormaldoingso,thentellmethe<
CUEIMAGE:FEET>current
differenceinmylegs,around2centimeters.Whatusuallyfollowsisadebriefon
thexraysandareminderofwhatss tillwrong.Thenshellmoveonandofferup
anoptionalsurgerythatm
ight,m
aybeh elpjustalittlebit.M
aybe.
AsPringandherassistantstepthroughthedoorIreadymyselfforherusual
questioning.
Howareyou?Shebegins.
Good.
Anyproblemswiththeleg?
Nope
Doinganythingactive?
Camping,wenttoYosemiteinJune.
Cool!Wasitfun?Anylegproblems.
Nope,itwasfun.Itwasjustaboutgettingtimetowrapup...
Well,Ithinkyouredone!Withthestateyourlegsinnowtheresreallyno
worklefttodo.<P
AUSE>W
ell,thatsnewD
one?Thiswasanewd one.
UsuallyitsjustOh,youredoneyoucangohomenowseeyousoon.ThistimeI

wasr eallyd
one.Mylegisntbya nymeansnormal,butitworksw
ellenough.
Eitherwaythisisasgoodasitsgonnaget.
Myimmediateresponsewas^

Oh,okaycool!^A
fterthedoctorshadleft
theroomI turnedtoseem
yfathernearlyintears.I wasconfused.Iunderstood
whyhewasthisemotional,butatthesametimeIdidntquiteregisterh owbigthis
newswas.<
CUEIMAGE:MOM>1 6longyearsofsurgery,minorandmajor
adjustments.M
onthsandmonthsofc ollectiverecovery,ofp hysicaltherapy.No
morec asts,ors traightbraces,ors cars,ortitaniumrods.<
CUEIMAGE:
XMAS>N
omoreC
hristmasesorh
olidaysspentimmobileinsomekindofc hair
orhospitalbed.A
llofthatwasover.
WhenIwasyounger,Iwasalwaysterrifiedofmyleg.Ivividlyremember
whenIwaslittle,Iwassatinmybedc rying,worriedsickaboutmynextsurgery,
as,anylittlekidprobablyw
ouldbe.<
CUEIMAGE:FLYER>
AsIgotolder,Islowlyshiftedmymindsetaboutmylegandmypast.When
Iwasyoungera llIwantedwasanormalleg.Iwantedn othingmorethantoberid
ofthatpain.Ibecameprettyselfconciousofmylegs.Idgetcommentsonthe
awkwardlimpIhadtow
addlearoundwith,ortheevenstrangerh alfskipIcalled
running.Iworen
othingbutshortswhenIwasinelementaryschool,literally

everyday.95degreeweather,s hortson.55degreeweather,s tillshortson.

Althoughasmycollectionofscarsgrewm
orea ndm
oren umerous,thusmoreand
morenoticeable,theywereultimatelycommentedonaswell.
Whydoyouwalksofunny?
Youresoslow!
Whysyourleglooksoweird?
EventuallyI stoppedwearingshortscompletely.EvennowI rarelyever
wearshorts,Ijustfeel(...)u
ncomfortableinthem.
Whiletheseinsecuritiessolidified,mythoughtsofpaindissolved.Iwas
terrifiedo fundergoingevensmallersurgerieswhenIwaslittle.^
I tsstillnot
exactlyarelaxingthought^,butnotoneofu ncontrollablepanicandworry.Itook
everyp recautionwhenIwasyoungertoavoidpainofanykind.Emotionalpains,
thingsliketeasingorembarrassment,notfeelingnormal,weresilencedthrough
behavioraladjustments.Istoppedwearingshorts,didlessrunning,triedtowalk
right,talkedtolesspeople.
Actual,physicalpainwasadifferentstoryhowever.WhenIwas4yearsold,
Ihadasurgerytoattachwhatscalledane xternalfixator.Externalfixation,inand
ofitself,isjustthat^.F
ixingofbonesthatse xternal.Nowthosetwothings
contradicteachotherabit.Iftheb onesa rebeingfixed,andbonesareinternal,
5

howdoyoufixtheme xternally?^
M
oderndaymedicinehastheperfectanswerto
thatquestion^, andthatansweristitaniumpins.<
CUEIMAGE:FIXATOR>
Fourtitaniumpinswerescrewedintomyfemurindifferentplaces.Thesethen
camef romthebone,pastm
usclea nds kintoathighlength,cylindricalmetal
contraptionthatIhadtotightenindifferentplaceswithaw
rench4 timesaday.
Thebasicconceptofmyexternalfixationwasthattighteningtheoutside
thingyslowlymovedthepins,whichslowlybegantos tretchm
yboneaoutabit,
makingitlonger.Nowasexcruciatingasthatmaysound,thatpartreallywasnt
thatbad.Itwasmoreorlessjustalittlepressureontheboneandanawkward
metalthingonmyleg.
NowIwastoldaftergettingitonthatitwastotallyo kayformetodothings
likegos wimming,orr idemybike,orp layoutsidewithiton.Therewasapretty
lowchanceofitgettinginfectedorgettingdamagedinanyway.Thatdidntstop
mefromtakinge veryprecaution.Id
idnts wim,Id
idntr idemybike,Id
idnt
playoutside.Iwasoverlycarefulwiththestupidthing.
Lateronwefoundoutthathadhappeneda nyways.O
neoftheopeningsfrom
oneofthefourpinshadgotteninfected.Iwouldntleta nyoneanywherenearthe
thingtocleanit.Iwantedn
othingtodowithit.Thedoctorssaidtherewasagood

chancemybodywouldclearitoutonitsownsinceitwasnttoobad,andI stuck
withthat.Myluckcouldntbethatbadtwiceright?Irefusedtoletthemputme
underandcleanoutmywounds.
^Loandbehold^,mybodydidn
otinfactclearouttheinfectiononitsown.
Inordertoclearitnow,as urgerywasn
ecessary.Notonlyasurgery,but2long
weeksofcleaningandrecovery.Anareaoffleshnowhadtobec ompletely
removedf rommyleg.Aholealittlebiggerthanbothofmythumbswascutout
aboutaninchdeep,andthenstuffedwithas pongetohelpkeepitsshape.Asthe
woundhealed,newcellswouldgrowintothesponge,slowlyfillingthehole.The
entirething,r awfleshfromthecutandf reshlyscarredtissuefromthefixatorwas
coveredinag enerouslayerofmedicaltape.
Everyotherdayanursewouldcomeringthedoorbellandrollacartof
medicalequipmentinside.Togetherthenurseandmymotherwouldpinmetothe
tableandbeginthecleaningprocess.Thisinvolvedfirst,r emovingthatlayerof
tape.At hick,a dhesivelayerofplasticr ippedoffo fmyo penwound.Afterwards,
thespongewastornouto fthefleshyholeinmyleg.Iftherewasanydeadskinor
tissuefoundbythefleshpumpIhadtocarryaround,itwouldbec utorscraped
out.T
hewholethingwouldthenbes terilized.Thepainwasimmeasurable.After

allthatwasover,newmaterialswerejuststuffedin,andthewholethingresealed
withafresh,stickylayeroftape.<
CUEIMAGE:FLYER>
^WheneverItellpeopleaboutmylegtheywince^.Iguesspeopledont
quiteexpecttohearthatIvebeenthroughthatkindofpain,yetI dontseemvery
affectedbyit.Intruth,ImnotaffectedbyitanymorethanIam,anythingelsein
mylife.Itstruethatmychildhood,andallofmysurgerieshaveplayedap rettybig
roleinmylife.IstilllivewithsomeoftheinsecuritiesIdevelopedbackthen,
althoughlessp rominenttheyres tillthere.Despitelovingtheminelementary
school,t othisdayI stilldontlikewearingshorts,andI mnotsureIeverwill,but
Ivecometoacceptthat.IvecometoacceptthatIllprobablyneverbeana thlete
orr unner,butIcanstillenjoytheoutdoors<
CUEIMAGE:CLUB>backpacking
withmyafterschoolclub.S
leepingontopofm
ountains,makingf irelasagna,
climbingthroughc aves,a llthefunIcouldaskfor.IvecometoacceptthatImay
alwayshavelegproblems,butIllstillbeabletolivear elativelynormaland
happylife.<
CUEIMAGE:PAINTING>I vecometos lowlya cceptwhoIam,
andthatalonehasmademeh
appy.