Spring Break Gender Break!

By

Sabrina Miller

Copyright 2015, Sabrina Miller

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Chapter 1: The Transformation

Ring! Ring!
My cell phone ringtone pierced the darkness of my room. With nearsighted vision made
worse by bleary eyes, I glanced at my clock radio with squinted eyes.
12:45AM? I hissed.
I reached for the phone and checked the caller ID.
Why is she calling so late? I wondered. I picked up the phone. Whats up sis? This better
be important.
Hey Andy, she said. Sorry to be calling you so lateor early.
Whats wrong with your voice Alana? You dont sound like yourself, I said.
Cough! Cough! Cough!
I know, she said. Thats why Im calling. Its because Ive come down with something.
Oh, Im sorry. But why are you calling me? I asked. Why dont you just go the student
health center?
Ive already been there, she replied in an even more raspy voice. The doctor says I have
bronchitis. Can you believe it? One day until Spring Break and I get sick!
Im sorry youre sick, but what can I do? I wondered.
I need to ask you something, she said.
I started to worry. Id been fished in by this line before.
What is it this time? I asked.
Why are you automatically assuming that Im only calling because I need something? she
replied.
Arent you? I said.
Yes and no, she said. Remember Christina?
As if I could forget the tall, voluptuous, and beautiful girl that is Christina!
Your friend from High School? I said. Sure, I remember her. What has she got to do with
it?
She and I arewere going to Miami together on Spring Break, said my sister.
That sucks, I said in genuine tone. I guess shell just have to go alone.
Go alone? Are you kidding? hissed my sister. Christinas a senior in High School. Do you
honestly think her parents would let her go to Miami alone? The only reason they agreed in the
first place was because I, the most responsible and trustworthy of the two of us, talked them into
it.
Hey! I exclaimed. Im trustworthy too, so much so that Mom and Dad are trusting me to
housesit and take care of Miss Kitty. So you see, because of a prior obligation, Im afraid Ill
have to decline.
Oh no you dont, she said. Ill arrange for someone to take care of Miss Kitty. So dont
think for one second that youre getting out of it that easily.
God youre being selfish! I fumed. You just want me to drop everything, throw some flipflops and swim trunks in a bag, and drive her down to Miami?
My sister let out a raspy laugh. It sent a chill down my spine.

Cough! Cough!
First of all, she began, Youd be flying, not driving. Second of all She giggled before
continuing on. Second of all, you wouldnt be bringing your swim trunks.
I said, Im not quite sure whatWait a minute. No way! No freaking way!
And why not? she said innocently. Weve swapped places before havent we? Havent
we?
That was totally different, I said. And it was years agoIts just a tad bit different now
considering weve both been through puberty.
Hmm, she wondered. I know I have, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
So Im a late bloomer, I said.
A very late bloomer, she retorted.
Its not my fault my rugged manly looks havent surfaced yet, I protested.
Lucky for us they havent, she said. Which makes it all that easier. I mean, with some
padding for your hips, some boobs, and one of my sundresses on, voila! You could be my twin.
My identical twin I mean.
Its bad enough were fraternal twins and have to share the same birthday, and it was bad
enough that I got mistaken for your sister all the time growing up. But thisthis would be far
worse. This has the potential to be humiliating. So Im putting my foot down this time.
Well, she said. If thats how you feel about it, then thats how you feel about it. I guess
Ill just have to tell Christina that well have to call off the trip, the trip weve been planning and
looking forward to since before her cancer went into remission, the anticipation of which kept
her going during her chemo treatments. Im sure shell understand though.
Damn it, I muttered. No. No, no, no! Im not going to let you guilt me into it.
There was a long pause.
Hey Andy, she said. Remember that time I dressed you up and you started singing along
to that Britney Spears song?
Why are you bringing that up? I snapped.
I remember how much Christina laughed when I showed her the video this one time, she
said.
Youre bluffing, I said. We were alone in the house and I dont remember seeing a
camera.
Thats because my desktop was recording it the whole time, she said.
You didnt! Please tell me you didnt? There was silence on the other end for a few
moments. You promised me no one would ever find out about that! You swore. How could
you?
Sorry, but you were too adorable not to record, she said matter-of-factly. I bet my friends
would think it was cute too and anyone else who clicked on the youtube link.
I knew I was beat.
Alright, I said. Alright. You win. I would just die of embarrassment if any of my friends
found outor dad. Id never hear the end of it. And Id never hear the end of it if anyone besides
Christina found out about what Im about to do.
Dont worry, assured my sister. No one else will. After I have Christina come over to the
house to give you a makeover tomorrow, I doubt even shell be able to tell.
But what am I going to wear? I havent a thing to wear, I whined.

Youre starting to sound like a girl already! she proudly declared. But dont worry. Just
swing by my apartment. You can have my clothes, minus the panties of course. Youll have to
get your own. She giggled again. Ive already got my bag packed and waiting for you.
But its a three hour round trip, I whined.
Then the sooner you leave the better, she said. Ill see you in three hourssis.
Before I could object to such an affront to my manhood, she hung up.
I threw my covers off and stomped my way to the bathroom. The light stung my eyes. And
my frame stung my pride.
Only wearing my boxers, it was plain to see that my sister was right. Even though I was
58, I was only one-hundred thirty-five pounds soaking wet. I groaned at the pathetic reality.
I really need some boobs! No you dont! Stop thinking that! Boys arent supposed to have
these thoughts.
But the voice inside cried out once more.
Youre not a boy. Youre a girl! Stop pretending!
Now I was getting angry.
You see what you did sis? Thanks for dredging everything up. Thanks for forcing me to do
this. Now Im starting to get confused all over again.
Damn it!
I was fighting back tears now, so I splashed some frigid water on my face. Patting my face
dry, I felt more composed, especially now that I wasnt looking at myself in the mirror.
I threw on some jeans and a long-sleeved shirt and headed downstairs. Miss Kitty greeted me
on the divider in the downstairs hallway. I gave her a kiss on the head and she reciprocated with
a purr.
Dont wait up, I said.
I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.
* * *
I returned home three and a half hours later. The traffic was almost as unbelievable as the
situation I was in.
I wheeled my sisters carryon into the house and pushed it up against the wall of the hallway.
I was so exhausted that I didnt even make it upstairs. I collapsed on the couch. The last thing
I remember before nodding off was Miss Kitty using my stomach as a heated bed. Her purring
lulled me to sleep.
The next thing I knew, the doorbell rang. If I would have been in bed, I would have put my
pillow over my head and buried myself under the comforter.
Its too early, I whined.
Ring! Ring!
For the love of God, please just let me sleep, I exclaimed.
As it turns out, my chances of becoming blissfully unconscious again were about as good as
my chances of talking my way out of my present situation.
I heard a muffled voice coming from the persistent caller at the door.
I know youre in there Andy, she said. Please let me in. Weve got a busy day ahead of
us!
With slumped posture, I opened the door. A young girl with short blonde hair greeted me
with a warm and relaxed smile.

Good morning sunshine! said Christina.

I would have objected to such an unnatural display of enthusiasm in the morning, but I was
just too tired to think of a witty comeback. All I could do was groan like a tired parent of an
infant who was up all night. Then I motioned for her to come in.
Looks like someone could use some coffee, teased Christina, stepping across the threshold.
No, I said. What I need is a way to get out of this trip.
Christina chuckled.
My sister may refuse to listen to reason, but Id like to think youre more reasonable, I
said.
Jeez, she said, rolling her eyes. You know, a lot of people would like to have your
problem of being given a free plane ticket to Miami and a free stay at a waterfront hotel right
near all of the clubs.
True, I said. And all of those people are girls.
She crossed her arms as she leaned against the wall.
Cmon, she urged. Its just one week of your life. And you only have to be in girl mode
during the plane ride over. Once we get to Miami you can dress however you want.
But Im not even sure well make it the airport, I said. I mean, do you honestly think your
parents are going to believe Im my sister?
She held up her makeup bag and grinned.
Girl, she said. When Im done with you, I bet Ill have trouble telling you two apart.
Hey! I snapped. Dont call me a girl.
Fair enough, said Christina.
Christina headed for the stairs.
Cmon princess, she said. Lets head up stairs and get you all prettied up! Once we were
upstairs, she said, First things first. Go ahead and shower and shaveand that includes your
legs Missy. And dont forget to moisturize. Thats very important. She handed me some Bath
and Body Works vanilla body cream. We need to make you silky smooth. In the meantime, Ill
go ahead and pick out which outfit youre going to wear.
Make sure you include pants, I advised.
She shooed me away.
Hurry up, she said. Were burning daylight.
About forty-five minutes later, I popped my head out the door.
Im finished! I announced.
Here, she said. Put these on.
Panties? I exclaimed. Ill wear the bra, but not the panties.
Oh yes you will! she affirmed. You have to. Theyre microfiber and a size smaller than
youre used to so that theyll She cleared her throat. You know, keep a certain thing tucked
away.
I must have turned beet red. I snatched the unmentionables and retreated back into the
bathroom. My embarrassment faded away because, unknown to Alana and Christina, the few
times my sister and I had switched places when we were younger werent the only times I had
ever dressed up. Those few times were but a drop in the bucket compared to all of the girl time
I had secretly savored when I was alone. But that was then and this was now. And right now, I
was about to violate an oath which I had sworn to myself just over one year ago when I had
bagged up all of my girl stuff and taken it to the dump. The pretty clothes were out of sight and

out of mind, just like I thought my confused feelings were. But apparently, those feelings didnt
get thrown away like my contraband clothing.
I slid on the padded A-cup bra, savoring the sensation of the soft fabric sliding over my soft
skin. With the white panties, the feeling was even more exquisite. The silky fabric caressed my
skin, giving me goose bumps as I slowly slid them up. However, this luxurious feeling turned
into disgust when I opened my eyes and looked down. With a shudder, I tucked away the birth
defect. It was out of sight and out of mind, and judging by how snugly my panties were
clinging, it promised to stay that way for quite some time.
I breathed a sigh of relief and poked my head out once more. Christina was still there, but
this time she had a blue sundress draped over her arm.
I said I wanted to wear some jeans, I whined.
If you want to pass, youll wear this, she said. Trust me. Itll be much more flattering.
Feigning outrage with smoldering eyes, I snatched it from her. When I put it on, I preened in
front of the mirror. I felt so much femininity radiating out from my heart that I couldnt help
myself. But I knew I had to keep a lid on it or Christine would get suspicious. Ill tell you,
stuffing that feeling back down was as difficult as putting toothpaste back in the tube!
After I managed to still my fluttering heart, she sat me down in front of my sisters makeup
table.
Then she circled me, studying my every feature like I was a block of marble about to be
chiseled into art.
Its time to do something about that hair! she said.
She pulled out some shears from her bag.
Cant you just brush my hair and put some gel in it or something? I implored.
You need a more flattering style, something that will make your jaw look more rounded.
Besides, your hair is shorter than your sisters. A smile lit up her face. And Ive got just the
right style in mind.
She started brushing my hair.
Umm, I began. Youve done this before. Right?
Are you kidding? she replied. I used to work part time at my moms hair salon. So relax.
Ive totally got this.
I tried to take her advice while she went to work, but I found it hard to relax in the beginning.
Snip. Snip. Snip.
I watched my dark brown hair pile up on the carpet. My heart dropped in my chest. But soon,
I shifted my focus from the split-end detritus below to a wonderful sensation. Each time she ran
the comb through and held the hair taut for another snip, the gentle pull on my scalp felt
heavenly. With each pull and snip, more and more of my tension drained away. It was like a
massage for my scalp. If I was a cat, I would have been purring.
When she set the scissors to the side, I have to admit, it was a letdown. But there was more
pampering to come.
Can I take a look? I asked.
Not quite yet, she said. I still need to add some volume.
She put some mousse on her hands and went to work. The way she worked it and massaged it
in felt even more exquisite than the comb through my hair.
So this is what its like to be pampered!
When she was done with stage two, I reached for the mirror, but she snatched it away.
Youre still a work in progress, she said. Youll just have to wait until Im finished.

She rummaged through her makeup bag and pulled out some foundation. She beamed an
eager smile.
Now its time for the fun part, she declared.
She dabbed and spread, and blended and powdered. Then she painted on the lip stain. After
that, she curled my lashes and put on my eye makeup.
Look up for me, she politely ordered.
I felt the eyeliner glide around my eyes.
Wow, she said. You have such pretty eyes that I dont even think you need any eye
shadow. Ill just go ahead and apply some mascara and then youre done.
Thank goodness, I said. I didnt realize being a girl was so time intensive.
You have no idea, she said. Voila!
She stepped back and surveyed my transformation. She nodded in approval and flashed me a
toothy grin.
Oh, Im good, she asserted. Damn Im good! If I didnt know any better, Id swear you
were Alana.
I reached for the hand mirror, all the while trying to suppress a smile born of sheer euphoria.
No, she advised. Go have a look at yourself in front of the full length mirror. That way
youll get the full effectbut first. She reached into her bag and pulled out a pair of silicon
inserts. Cant forget the chicken cutlets, she said in a sing-song tone.
After she slid them in my bra, I stood up and walked to the closet. I slowly opened the door. I
gasped at what I sawwho I saw. I was shocked at how good I looked. Did I say good? No, I
mean gorgeous! The young woman looking back at me was a knockout.
Watch your makeup, said Christina.
Oh, right, I said quietly. I moved my shocked hand away from my mouth and placed it on
my hip. Youre right. I dont even recognize myself. I dont even think Alana would.
Lets see, she said matter-of-factly.
Click!
I didnt say you could take my picture! I hissed.
I rushed over to snatch her smartphone away.
Too late, she teased. I wish I could be in the room when your sister looks at the picture I
sent her.
I felt lightheaded. I retreated to the bed and sat on the edge of it.
In a deflated tone, I said, Christina, please tell me you didnt post that on her timeline.
Relax, she urged. I sent it to her in a PM. She studied me once more and sighed. I wish
Alana was going with me. Its just not going to be the same without her.
Its not too late to change your mind you know, I said.
I just spent a good portion of my morning transforming you into a runway model, she
replied. Do you honestly think Id put in that much effort if I wasnt sure I wanted to go? If our
positions were reversed, Id want Alana to go. Id be devastated that I couldnt go, but I still
wouldnt want her to miss out. Thats one thing cancer taught me. It taught me that sometimes
you just have to roll with what life throws at you. This is your chance to learn the same lesson.
And maybe the silver lining will be that you come out of that shell of yours. Maybe this trip will
do you good.
Maybe, I whispered. I sighed, stood up, and forced a smile. Carpe diem it is.
Great, she said. Alright. Now that weve got you looking the part, its time for phase
three. Its time to show you how to walk and talk the part. She gave me a wink.

My heart fluttered at the thought releasing the femininity which I kept imprisoned within, but
I was scared to abandon my little act of reluctance. I was scared to show the world the real me.
At that moment, that shell Christine was talking about felt like it was made out of titanium. I had
a long way to go, if ever I decided to.
* * *
I crammed for my debut into womanhood the best I could. The hip-swaying walk was easy
enough, and to Christines surprise, quite natural for me. But learning how to talk like a girl was
a different matter. After a half dozen trial and error attempts, I managed to fumble my way into
the lower portion of the female pitch range. However, I could only sustain it for a few sentences.
And it was for this reason that my heart was racing and my sweaty palms were gripping the
steering wheel for dear life when I pulled up alongside the curb of Christines house.
I didnt dare go to the door and ring the doorbell. That would mean being greeted by
Christines mother, or even worse, her father, who would no doubt engage me in a conversation
lasting more than just a few sentences. And thank God I didnt have to!
I waited for the signal from Christine. The curtains of an upstairs bedroom parted and I saw
her smiling face. She waved. I waited a few seconds and then got out and headed for the door.
The red front door opened and Christine greeted me like her best friend, Alana. She embraced
me and held me tightly. I glanced over her perfumed shoulder and saw why. Still in her
terrycloth bathrobe, her mother was standing behind her in the hallway. It was all for public
consumption.
Then, before I could help Christina with her bag, her mother spoke. What she said made my
heart drop in my chest.
What, are you just going to leave without giving your mother a hug?
Christina rolled her eyes at me and smiled. She glanced over her shoulder and addressed her
mother.
Im just trying to make sure we get to the airport with plenty of time, she said.
And you will, she said. Right after you and Alana come on over and give me a hug.
I started trembling, but Christina whispered something into my ear to calm me down.
Relax, she said. And remember, short sentences.
I forced a smile, and with rubbery legs, I tentatively followed Christina down the tiled
hallway.
It was hard to follow Christinas suggestion to relax, especially since her mother was looking
me up and down. And the questioning tone to her mothers voice when she addressed me didnt
exactly calm my nerves either.
Alana? she said.
Uh oh! Busted!
Her mother continued on.
Well isnt that just the cutest hairstyle, she added. I almost didnt recognize you at first,
what with your pixie cut and all.
Shes like a whole new woman, isnt she mom? said Christina
Her mother nodded.
And I love your polka-dot dress too! said her mother.
Thanks, I said almost in a half-whisper. Its all part of my new look.
Your voice sounds a little scratchy, said her mother.

Christina quickly interjected.

Oh, shes getting over a sore throat. Shes not contagious or anything.
Whew! Good save girl!
Well thank heavens for that, said her mother. I know how important this trip is to both of
you.
Christina and her mother hugged.
I cant believe my baby is eighteen already, declared her mother.
And counting, said Christina.
Praise God for that, said her mother. She wiped away tears before casting her smile in my
direction. Dont be shy hon. Come and give your honorary mom a hug too.
Her smile and her words left as lasting an impression on me as her intoxicating perfume.
You take good care of my Christina, she said.
When she pulled away, I chose the safest response possible, a smile and a nod.
Okay girls, said her mother. Just one more thing.
Oh Jesus!
Mom, whined Christina.
With a dismissive wave of her hand, her mother said, Its just one picture. Youre growing
up so fast. Id like to get at least one more in before you turn nineteen.
Her mother pulled her smartphone out of her pocket. Then Christina stood next to me by the
hall table and put her arm around me, just like we were sisters.
I could get used to this!
Her mother snapped a couple of pics and then we were free. She still followed us out onto the
porch though.
You remembered everything, right? She asked.
Christina nodded.
Her mother said, Youve got your tickets, ID, money, keys, and cell phone, and
For the dozenth time mom, interjected Christina. Yes! Stop worrying.
Okay, said her mother. Make sure you call when your plane lands and when you get to the
hotel. And dont forget to post plenty of pictures from your trip!
Christina rolled her eyes at me once more before nodding.
I will. I promise, said Christina.
I love you baby! shouted her mother.
I love you too mom! shouted Christina right back.
I pulled away from the curb and watched Christinas waving mother retreat ever farther into
the distance. And as she retreated, so did my anxiety as well.
Thank God thats over with! I exclaimed. I cant believe your mom bought it. I thought
for sure she was going to figure it out a couple of times. What about you Christina?
Never had a doubt, she asserted. Like I said before, you and your sister could
Be twins, I interjected. Lolsort of. Now well just have to wait and see if the TSA
agrees.
Miami, here we come! shouted Christina. Woo!
I rolled my eyes.
She was one of those woo girls. I may have secretly mocked her for it in the car, but so was
I. I was as girly-girl as her, only I didnt realize it yet. Soon I would experience that epiphany.
Soon, I would learn that Spring Break was more than a break from the tedium that was studying
and the anxiety which was exam week. For me, it would become a break from my assigned

gender, a time when I would break the shackles of masculinity, and a time when I would make
the most important decision of my life, the decision of whether or not to transition.

Chapter 2: The Bait and Switch

Christina and I arrived at the airport and we checked our bags. And by we, I mean I checked
my bag full of boy clothes. I felt a twinge of sadness when it disappeared behind the clear flaps
into the chaos which is the maze of conveyers in the back. I missed it like a young child misses
their security blanket.
Have a wonderful trip ladies and thank you for flying with us! said the ticket agent.
Thanks, said Christina. Earth to Alana. Come on girl. Lets head to our gate before they
give our seats away.
Hmm? I replied. Yeah, right, I said in deflated tone. Hey. What are you grinning
about?
About how the ticket agent didnt even do a double take when she saw your ID, she said.
Lucky for me, I said.
Just then, Christina stopped and shot me a withering glare.
Are you going to be like this the whole time? she said.
Not after I unpack my checked bag at the hotel Im not, I said.
Arms akimbo, she said, Look, I went through six months of chemoand radiation and
surgery on top of that. For a while there, I wasnt sure Id even make it this far. But I did. And
now Im here and Id like to have a good time. Right now would be a good time to start. All Im
asking is that you be pleasant. Can you please do that for me?
I couldnt say no to those teary eyed doe-eyes of Christina, so I gave her a nod.
Thank you! she said.
We clicked our way across the tile in our cute wedges. Her stride was easy and confident,
never once losing her balance. Me? Not so much. She held her head up high, taking in the hustle
and bustle of people and the numerous shops along the way. I kept my head down mostly, and
not just because I was a little on the shy side. Im thinking it had a little to do with the wandering
eyes of male passersby, eyes which were no doubt mentally undressing Christina and me, the
hottie that I was. For years I had heard women complain of this ad nauseam. Now I understood
why. I also understood that ignorance can sometimes be bliss and I longed for my ignorance
back!
As we neared the security checkpoint, I felt like when youre on a rollercoaster right before
the first big drop! However, like back at the ticket counter, I flashed my ID without any overlyscrutinizing looks cast my way. That part was easy, almost as easy as deciding between a passive
x-ray screening or a pat-down. But after braving the gantlet of wandering eyes of horny young
guysand older guys, I opted for the opposite gender to discreetly feel me up.
Id definitely rather have another woman screen me! Wait a minute. Did I just say another
woman? What I meant was a woman.
I really needed to change back into my boy clothes!
The security screener went about her job. I was so nervous, that if the birth defect between
my legs could have crawled up inside me and joined his two friends, it would have done so
faster than the 747 we were about to board! However, as nervous as I was right then, it was

nothing compared to when I heard a voice to my right coming from in front of the x-ray baggage
scanner.
Excuse me Miss, said the other security screener.
I prayed he was talking to Christina. It was only when he said the same thing a second time at
a slightly higher decibel level that I acknowledged him with a sheepish smile.
Yes? I asked, walking over to him.
He was standing over my, I mean Alanas, unzipped carryon bag. He discreetly held up a
small tube so only I could see.
Im afraid you cant take this on the plane, he said. It exceeds the number of ounces
allowed.
What is it? I wondered, peeking in.
My cheeks felt like they were on fire when I peered closer. And Ill tell you why. It was a
tube of lubricant, and Im not talking about the kind used on rusty machinery!
Oh my God! What, was my sister planning on inviting the entire football team from her
school back to her hotel room?
Just throw it away, I said in a whisper. Must have gotten in there by mistake.
But the screener gave me one of those, oh sure, I believe you incredulous looks.
I let out a nervous laugh, grabbed my carryon, and sashayed my cute little butt toward the
seating area as quickly as my wedges would allow.
Christina rushed up beside me with a befuddled look on her face.
What was all that about? she inquired.
Nothing, I said. I just want to sit down. My feet hurt.
Welcome to hell: population ladies, she declared. But you get used to itBTW, youve
really got that walk down. I honestly thought you were Alana for a secondwhich makes me
wonder.
What? I asked.
Nothing, she said. I lost my train of thought.
Oh my God! Does she suspect that I feel like a girl on the inside? Stop it. Youre just being
paranoid. Theres no way she could know. Theres just no way.
We took our seats. She distracted herself with her laptop, while I opted for my iPod. I was as
generous with the volume as guys had been with their special brand of attention as of late.
It took me about ten songs into my play list before I thoroughly recovered from the shock
and embarrassment back at the security checkpoint. No sooner had I gone into chill mode that
Christina tapped me on my shoulder.
Whats up? I said.
She pointed to the terminals departure screen.
An hour? I whined. Seriously? We have to wait another hour. It doesnt make any sense. I
mean, look outside. Do you see any clouds? I dont. I crossed my arms.
Stop pouting, she said with a smile.
Im not pouting, I retorted. Im just... I sighed. Airports really arent on my top ten list
of places I like to be.
Wait a minute? said Christina. Are you afraid of flying? Is that what this is?
No, I said firmly. Its the crashing that worries me.
Leaning in, she said, Ive got a Xanax if you need something to chill you out a little.
I dont need any drugs! I insisted. I must have insisted a little too vehemently, because I
was drawing a few stares. Im sorry Christina. Thanks, but Ill be okay.

But I was far from okay. My palms were sweaty and I broke out in a cold sweat. Flying was
nerve-wracking enough on its own, but feeling like all eyes were upon me, the beautiful fraud
that I was, was becoming too much too bear. I felt sick to my stomach. I had to get away, and
fast! I got up as daintily as possible and made a b-line for the restrooms. They were the closest
refuge.
I was beside myself, so beside myself that I went on autopilot. I walked in, but not very far. I
froze in my tracks because now it didnt feel like all eyes were upon me. All eyes were upon me!
The way the men were staring at me, I swear, if I could have died of embarrassment, I would
have.
With head down, I rushed out and headed into the right bathroom. I sought refuge in the
nearest unoccupied stall. I fought back tears. I didnt even have a chance to get myself under
control before I heard a familiar voice.
Andy? said Christina. Are you okay?
I remained silent. Okay, maybe not completely silent. I think my whimpering gave me away.
There was a gentle knocking on the stall door.
Andy? Is that you? wondered Christine in the softest tone.
Im fine, I asserted. You should go back and watch our bags. Theyre pretty strict about
that.
I know, replied Christina. Thats why Ive rolled them in here with me.Can I come in?
I opened the door so it was ajar and addressed her in an equally soft tone.
I dont know if I can do this, I said.
Yes you can, she asserted. With a little help. She dug around in her purse. Here, take
one of these. I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could protest, she cut me off. Trust me.
Take one of these, and I guarantee, in fifteen minutes youll feel as good as if youre relaxing on
a beach in Miami.
She placed the pill in my outstretched hand and I downed it like a shot. Then, she smiled.
Im going to head back to our gate, she said. Just come out when youre ready. Its not
like our flight is going to be taking off anytime soon.
I nodded. Okay, I whispered.
After about ten minutes, the tension drained away. I exited the stall and glided out of the
bathroom. I held my head up high like Christina. Apparently, the anxiety wasnt the only thing I
had left in the bathroom. I also checked that out of place, impostor feeling at the entrance.
I joined Christina in the seating area. Riding high on my wave of calm, I felt as if I could
have waited another hour. Lucky for us though, our actual departure time was about the same as
the estimated.
We boarded the plane, and I found out I was as much of a lightweight when it came to little
pink pills as I was with alcohol. No sooner had we taken off and retreated to the safety of the
tranquil skies than I dozed off.
Andy? Hey Andy, whispered Christina.
My head was resting on Christinas shoulder. I nuzzled closer before answering her.
Tell them I dont want any peanuts or soda, I said.
She chuckled. I did, she said. Before we landed.
I glanced to my right. The shuffling of passengers down the aisle confirmed it.
Were here already? I asked.
Christina nodded.
Wow! I declared. Xanax, where have you been all my life?

Come on sleeping beauty, said Christina. Lets grab our bags before you drift off again.
We were treated to one last smile by the flight attendants as we disembarked.
Enjoy your visit ladies, said one twenty-something woman.
I didnt even take offense at being called a lady. Can you believe that? In fact, it made my
heart soar. I figured it was just a side-effect of the Xanax. And my soaring heart just kept on,
well, soaring.
Now, walking to the baggage carousel, I was enjoying all of the attention from the wandering
eyes of the male passersby. I was enjoying myself until we got to the baggage carousel.
At first, I was patient and calm. However, that all changed when all of the other passengers
came and went with their bags and it was just Christine and I waiting in front of an empty
carousel.
Oh, no, I uttered. This cant be happening. Of all the times for them to lose my luggage, it
had to be this time. I threw up my hands in disbelief. Now what Im supposed to do?
Well, began Christina. Its not like you dont have anything to wear. She glanced at my
carryon.
Lucky me, I said. I sat down on my carryon and held my head in my hands. It was just
supposed to be for one day. This carryon was just supposed to be a ruse. It wasnt supposed to be
my wardrobe. Its Murphys Law I tell you. I hate Murphys Law!
Tears stung my eyes and began to trickle their way down my face.
We can still buy you some boy clothes, she said. I can put it on my credit card.
Her words gave me little reassurance at that moment. I opened my purse and pulled out a
tissue.
Just then, Christinas face lit up. I turned around and mine did the same thing at a most
welcome sight.
Thank God! I exclaimed. I picked it up and shrugged my shoulders in Christinas direction.
You see? she said. You were worrying for nothing.
I wiped away another tear and managed a smile.
CmonAlana, she said. Lets go grab a taxi.
* * *
At last we arrived in our room at the hotel. I plopped down on the bed and grinned.
We made it! I declared. I cant believe it. Whew! I dont know about you, but Im
whipped. Im just going to relax and watch some TV.
Christina said, Im going to head down to the lobby and grab some snacks. You want
anything?
Come to think of it, I said, maybe Ill have that soda I never drank on the plane. Coke
zero would be great if they have it.
I thought Christina would be there and back in something like less than ten minutes. But
when over fifteen minutes passed, I reached for my phone. No sooner had I sent my text message
than I heard a knocking on the door.
Yeah, yeah, I said. Im coming. I opened the door.
Where are the snacks? I asked.
Sorry, she said. I kinda lost my appetite.
Whats going on, I said. You look as nervous as I did back at the airport before I took that
Xanax.

Christina sat down on the edge of the bed closest to the air conditioning unit. She took a deep
calming breath before speaking.
Okay, she began. How do I put this? I was downstairs getting the drinks when I heard
someone call my name from behind. At first, I thought they were talking to another Christina. I
was like, theres no way it could be him, you know at the same hotel. I mean what are the
chances? She laughed nervously.
Was there another girl named Christina down there? Please tell me there was. I said.
She shook her head before replying with averted gaze.
Well who was it then? I asked. An old boyfriend?
Not exactly, she said. Its actually kind of funny. It was my cousin.
I crossed my arms before interrogating her further.
And what exactly did you tell this cousin of yours? I said.
Oh, this and that, she said. Just the usual we havent seen each other in a while catching
up type stuffI asked who he was staying with and he asked me the same.
My eyes went wide. I was afraid to but I had to ask a certain question.
And what was your answer?
Umm, she began. Well
For the love of God, please tell me you told him you were by yourself, I implored.
Her silence confirmed worst case scenario.
Why didnt you just lie? I demanded.
I had to tell him I was with Alana, she asserted. Theres just no way hed believe that my
parents would let me go by myself.
Why Alana? I exclaimed. Why not Andy? I pointed to my checked bag. Why couldnt
you just tell him you were here with me?
That would look even more suspicious! she snapped.
Not if you made something up, I said. I mean, you could have told him that Im youre
gay BFF or something.
Well maybe he surprised me by showing up out of the blue like that, she whined. And
maybe I was so nervous that I couldnt think up a really clever lie on the spot. Did you ever think
about that?
Okay, I said. Okay. Im sorry. I guess you did the best you could under the
circumstances.
Thank you, she said.
All is not lost I guess, I said with a wry smile. I forced a cough. Too bad Im not going to
meet him because it looks like Alana just came down with a cold.
Im not so sure thats going to work, said Christina.
Why not? I insisted. Its so simple its brilliant!
Knock! Knock!
That better be room service, I said.
Christina pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow.
Tell him to go away! I hissed. Tell him I have Ebola or something.
Shush! she said, motioning with her hand. Hell hear you, she whispered.
Apparently he did hear us, I mean me. I heard a deep muffled voice.
Christina? Alana? Are you decent?
It felt like all the blood drained from my heart.

Christina got up. Glancing over her shoulder, she whispered at me.
I have to let him in, she said. He saw us come in together. He knows youre not sick. I
need you to be Alana right now.
As long as its brief, I said.
Ill do my best to get him to leave, she promised. Just follow my lead. And remember
Short sentences, I interjected. I know.
I reached into my purse and dug around for the other half of that Xanax. I needed it more
now than ever! I threw it back right as she opened the door.
Just relax girl. Itll be over soon enough.
When the door clicked open, I broke out in a cold sweat. But I didnt start shaking because I
was captivated by what I saw.
Her cousin entered the room, all 61 and 190 pounds of him. And did I mention that most of
that one-hundred ninety pounds was chiseled muscle? In fact, if he told me he was Chris
Hemsworths cousin, I could easily suspend my disbelief.
He flashed me a warm smile before looking me up and down much like Christinas mother
had done earlier that day.
Alana? he said. Wow! You lookgreat.
I felt myself blush. I brushed some strands of hair away from my cheek.
Thanks, I said. So do you.
Whoops! Did I just say that out loud?
He sat down on the edge of the bed next to Christina.
I cant believe its been three years since Ive seen you guys, he said. We totally need to
hang out and catch up. Before I could even open my mouth to utter an objection, he continued
on. What are you doing for dinner?
Well, we uh, said Christina.
Since you dont have plans, he said, why dont you come have dinner with us?
Who exactly is us? I asked.
Me and a buddy of mine and his girlfriend, he said.
Will your girlfriend be joining you? I wondered.
He smiled the sweetest smile before enlightening me.
It depends, he said. It depends on if I find someone between now and dinner.
Oh, I said breathlessly.
I let out a nervous little laugh. The way his beautiful eyes were fixated on me made my heart
flutter, and strangely enough, made my fingertips tingle. The more he smiled at me, the more I
smiled back. I tried hard not to, but I just couldnt help myself.
Hey Ben? said Christina. Is that your phone going off?
Hmm? he replied. Oh yeah.
Apparently, I wasnt the only one who had been captivated.
I better call them back, he said, rising to his feet. So how does this sound? I know this
great Mexican restaurant that has the best margaritas. How about you and Alana meet me in the
lobby around six so we can walk down there together?
Sure, said Christina. Sounds fun.
Cool, he replied. Oh, and they also have live music. So, dont forget to wear your dancing
shoesJust kidding Alana. See you girls later!
Bye! said Christina.

I just sat there with my mouth open. I was completely at a loss for words. But after Ben left,
Christina most certainly was not.
Are you okay AlanaSorry, I mean Andy?
I might be okay if you would have consulted me first before saying yes, I said.
Sorry, but it seemed like you were up for it, she replied.
Why would you think that? I wondered.
Please girl, she said. I saw the way you were looking at him. Your eyes were saying yes,
yes, yes.
What? Thats ridiculous. I was just being friendly.
Christina suppressed a laugh. Theres a difference between being friendly and flirting. And
you were most certainly flirting, whether you want to hear it or not.
I guess I just liked the attention, I conceded. Thats all.
Can I ask you something? said Christina. Do you like guys?
What? I quietly protested.
Its totally okay if you do, she said. You dont know this about me, but I really dont care
about stuff like that.
If you really dont care, then why are you asking? I said.
Because you shouldnt deny yourself what you needand deserve simply because of what
others might think, she said. She sat down next to me. When I was being treated for cancer, I
learned a lot about regrets. Did you know that the number one regret of terminally ill people was
that they didnt live a life true to themselves and instead chose to do what others expected of
them? A non-genuine life is no life at all. And a life without love isnt really worth living.
I felt the tears stinging my eyes.
Wonderful, I quietly declared. So basically my life thus far has been a non genuine piece
of garbage.
She grasped my hand tighter. When she did, the love and compassion I felt radiating from her
did something to me. It shattered all of my defenses, including my stubborn pride. I placed my
hand over my eyes and started sobbing.
Its okay, she said. Just let it out.
You think Im gay, butbut ImIm not, I asserted. Im actually straight. Can you
believe that? And you want to know why? Her non-judgmental silence told me it was safe to
confess my most terrible of secrets which had burdened me for as long as I can remember. Im
transIm transgender. Pointing to my head, I said, I feel like a womanin here. I thought
the feelings would go away but this damn trip has made them come back with a vengeance.
I started sobbing again. All of the pent up pain and suffering from twenty plus years in the
closet flowed to the surface like my tears.
This may come as a surprise to you, she said, but Im not really that surprisedAnd I
dont think your sister would be either.
I forced a laugh. I bet Ben would be surprised.
Christina nodded. Which is why its probably best not to tell him. Guys typically have a
little harder time dealing with this uh, issue.
Yeah, I said softly. Christina? Would you pass me the tissues please? I blew my nose.
Forcing a smile, I said, God, Im such a wreck right now. My makeup must look terrible.
Do you still want to go? she asked. To dinner I mean.
I nodded. Surprisingly, yes. I feel a lot better now.

Never underestimate the benefits of a good cry, she said. Cmon. Lets get you into the
bathroom and Ill help you fix your makeup. How does that sound?
I answered her with a warm smile.

Chapter 3: Owning It!

We met Ben in the lobby. He was wearing tan cargo shorts, a button-down blue striped shirt,
black sandals, and wrap-around sunglasses; meanwhile, I was still wearing the same sundress
while Christina chose a fuscsia babydoll to wear with white Capris.
Casual yet handsome, Ben escorted us over to the Mexican restaurant. We made the usual
small talk as we made our way down the boardwalk. I kept trying to steer the conversation back
Christinas way, but Ben seemed to be more interested in me, even more than my T&A. By the
time we were seated on the patio, it was becoming increasingly difficult to answer his queries
with a single short sentence. Still, I was as flattered as I was nervous from this rather charming
attention.
When the hostess led us to our glass-topped table, I knew I needed a drink ASAP to deal with
my nerves from not only Bens attention but a lack of attention from the other members of our
party who had yet to grace us with their presence.
Where are they? He assured us theyd meet us here.
My mind still swarming with questions and what-if scenarios, a modestly attractive collegeaged waitress with bleached blond hair and a genuine smile greeted us.
Good evening, she said. Can I get you started with some drinks?
Christina said, Ill have a non-alcoholic strawberry daquiri please.
Then the waitress looked at me with more than a friendly smile.
And what would like Miss? she asked.
I whipped out my I.D. from my purse and grinned.
Since I am of legal age, I began. I would like a Margarita por favor.
While Ben ordered a beer, Christina nudged me.
Are you sure you want to be drinking right now? she whispered. You might want to wait
for the Xanax to wear off.
Ill be fine, I said, with a dismissive wave of my hand.
When the drinks arrived, Ben offered a toast.
Heres to the most amazing spring break ever in the most incrediblybeautiful beach in
Florida! he declared.
When he emphasized the word beautiful, he cast a smile in my direction.
Blushing, I said, Ill drink to that! I dove right in with a couple of slurps of the tangy
beverage. This is like the biggest and the bestest Margarita Ive ever had, I announced.
Based on the perplexed yet amused expression on Bens face, I knew I had forgotten myself
a little. This time, I took a few more lady-like sips. My taste buds were awoken as quickly as my
femininity had been since agreeing to accompany Christina to this exotic spring break
destination.
Im serious though, I reiterated. This is the Best. Margarita. Ever! I gushed.
Was I right or was I right? said Ben. I told you this place is good. When it comes to
restaurants, Ill never steer you wrong.
Christina nudged me.

Girl, you might want to slow down a little, she urged.

Relax, I assured. Im a big girl. I know myAhh! Ah! Brain freeze!
Christina rolled her eyes and smiled.
So Alana, said Ben, nibbling on a tortilla chip. Is this your first time in Miami?
This is my first time in Florida, I said. And hopefully not my last.
Ben said, Do you
Just a sec Ben, I interjected. Our waitress is looping back this way.
Another drink Miss? she inquired.
With eyebrow raised, I said, Ohhh yeah. This girl is thirsty tonight.
Ben grinned at Christina.
Weve noticed, teased Christina. When the waitresss eyes landed on her, she said, Im
good thank you.
And you sir? asked the waitress.
Christina cleared her throat. Ben, she said.
Hmm? said Ben, taking his eyes off his smart phone. Oh right. Im goodfor a little
while at least.
Did they just text you? wondered Christina.
Yeah, he said, in deflated monotone. It looks like theyre not going to be able to make it
tonight.
Oh, said Christina. Thats too bad.
So, do you want to place your order now? asked the waitress.
Might as well, said Ben. Itd be a shame to waste such a perfect evening as much as the
other two chairs.
So what are you going to orderAlana...besides more Margaritas, said Christina.
I shrugged my shoulders. I dunnoHey. Ive got an idea. Ben, why dont you go ahead and
pick something for me. You know whats good here more than I do.
Its all good, declared Ben.
The way he said good, I got the impression he wasnt just referring to what was on the
menu if you know what I mean. My heart surged again and I hoped my cheeks didnt redden too
much in front of my new admirer.
Okay, said Ben, rubbing his hands together. Why dont you bring us three orders of texas
fajitas please.
I started rhythmically clapping my petite hands. Texas fajitas, texas fajitas, la, la, la, la, la la
la, I sang.
You have a beautiful voice, said Ben.
I smiled at Christina, trying not to cackle.
Seriously, said Ben. I mean it.
With a devilish smile, I said, Maybe Ill do some karaoke later. I dipped a chip in some
salsa and slowly brought it to my full lips. Then I slowly and sexily ran my tongue across my
salty lips. MmmI ate some chips just to try it. I hope my figure dont mind it. I placed my
hand on my hip.
I think your dress might, said Christina.
Uh oh, I said. I hope Alana dont mind it.
Referring to myself in the third person elicited a raising of an eyebrow from Ben. Christina
tried to allay any suspicion with a nervous little laugh.

CmonAlana, said Christina. We need to take care of that before it stainsExcuse us

Ben.
I started cackling. Ill be right back. We have to go to the little girls room, I said in a singsong kind of tone.
Christina grabbed my hand and hurried me inside the restaurant as if she were my mother.
The bar to our right and the row of tables to our left were like the shoulder of a narrow road. I
played the role of the erratic driver. Christina steadied me as the wait staff weaved around us.
We reached the sink, and in retrospect, for reasons I cannot begin to fathom, I held up the
front of my dress and started licking off the residual salsa.
Yummy in my tummy, I said.
Stop that, chided Christina. She pulled my hand away and smoothed the front of my dress
down. The other girls are starting to stare.
I pulled my ID out of my purse and flashed the three other girls washing up at the sink in a
different way.
Its okay, I assured. Im a girl. It says so on my license. See?
Sorry, said Christina with an embarrassed smile. My friends had one drink too many.
With flushed cheeks, Christina started vigorously treating the stain. Lucky for you, she
said, I always carry a stain remover pen in my purseThere. Done. Like it never even
happened.
Swaying side-to-side a little, I said, Almost. I made a b-line for one of the stalls, relishing
the clicking sound my wedges made on the tile floor the whole time.
Stepping in, it didnt even occur to me that standing up was an option for me. It was like I
was on autopilot as I hiked up my skirt, slid down my panties, and plopped on down on the cool
seat.
Still assuming the role of chaperone, Christina sat down in the stall next to me.
Ahhh, I uttered. Im peeing, I quietly announced to Christina. Im peeing in the girls
restroom.
Shush! implored Christina.
Partially ignoring her, I started tapping my foot to a familiar rhythm. I sat down just to try
it, I whispered. It feels so right I cant deny it.
After tinkling, I joined Christina at the sink. Her silence sobered me up ever so slightly.
Im sorry, I said. I really dont know whats gotten into me.
I do, she said, forcing a half-smile. Like a mime, she chugged a few drinks.
Okay, I relented. Ill be a good girl and take it easy.
And try to take it easy on Ben as well, urged Christina. With those batting flirtatious eyes
I mean. It may seem like just innocent fun to you, butbe careful is all Im saying, especially
when it comes to guys.
Okay, I said, following her out.
If only my father was here to hear what Christina had just said to me!
We rejoined Ben. However, the recently reigned in Alana would prove to be as short lived
as a summer night.
I sat down to the site of my entre, and another addition.
I took the liberty of ordering another Margarita for you, said Ben.
Thanks, I said.

But there was no gratitude in Christinas eyes. Nor was there a withering glare. I was as
impressed with her restraint as Ben was with my ability to hold my liquor no doubt.
The hot Florida sun drifted toward the horizon. Spanish guitar drifted our way on the cool
breeze of evening. As I digested, a wonderful feeling of perfect contentment washed over me
like cool surf on a beach.
I sipped the remnants of my fourth or fifth margarita. It didnt matter which. What did matter
was what I was going to say to a certain request directed my way by Ben.
I was thinking, he said. Its such a nice evening and I was wondering if youd like to go
for a walk along the beach with me.
I looked over at Christina.
Are you feeling up for it? I asked.
It wasnt until I looked into Christinas tranquil contemplative eyes that I understood that if
he were communicating via facebook, only one of us would receive the event invite.
Its okay if you dont want to, said Ben. If you and Christina have other plans, thats
cool.
Dont feel like you need to call it an early night on my account, said Christina.
Umm, I said, meeting Bens hopeful eyes with my searching ones.
Christina yawned. Its been a long day. I think Im going to go back to the room and take a
hot bath.
Yeah, I said. Id like tothe walk I mean.
Great, said Ben. Let me take care of the check first.
Christina stood up and enjoyed a luxurious stretch like a cat during a sunbath.
I latched onto her like a child to its mothers leg.
I love you Christina, I said. Youre like the bestest BFF a girl could ask for.
Christina smiled and whispered in my ear.
Just be careful, she advised.
I whispered right back.
Dont worry, I said. Its not like Im going to get pregnant or something.
Shall we? asked Ben.
A warm smile brushed its way across my face as the cool breeze brushed between my soft
legs, rippling my dress ever so slightly.
We didnt walk hand-in-hand as we stepped onto the cool sand of evening. However, I
wanted so much for my right hand to grasp his instead of grasping my cute little tan wedges.
Umbrellas and chairs were being folded up and the stragglers were trudging their way back
to the strip which was lighting up.
I spun around when we reached the shoreline.
Wheee! Isnt this wonderful? I exclaimed. I just love digging my toes into the cool sand.
Dont you?
Mmm hmm, said Ben.
Do you want to see me do a cartwheel? I asked.
Maybe after we walk down a waysthat way, he said.
The cool surf glided under the arches of my dainty feet, giving me a pleasant shiver every
now and again.
With a faraway look in my eyes I said, I feel like a littlegirl again.
And I feelI feel kinda happy again, said Ben.
Oh? I wondered. Youve seemed pretty happy since I first met you.

I just figured maybe if I smiled enough, I might actually start smiling on the inside, he said.
His smile temporarily retreated like the frothy waves an instant later.
Im sorry, I said.
I almost didnt come down here, said Ben. I was afraid that every time I saw a couple on
the beach Id be reminded of what Ive lost.
Now I couldnt help myself. I reached over and grasped his large hand.
Well youre not alone now, I said.
Ben smiled. Im glad I came down, he said. Im glad I met you Alana.
Me too, I said. I almost didnt come either. But Im glad Christina talked me into it. We
gazed deeply into each others eyes. My heart started thumping in my chest and I could feel my
cheeks flush. Whew, I declared. I feel really warm all of the sudden. Do you? It must be all of
the margaritas.
You did have quite a few, said Ben.
I know, right? I said. This place might as well be Vegas because Im doing a lot of things
I dont normally do. I know this is probably hard for you to believe, but Im normally quite shy.
I stopped and gazed across the water at the pale pink-orange horizon. Ben stood next to me
and we listened to the waves as they scraped and lapped the shore.
I got the impression you were a delicate flower when I first met you, he said. But theres
nothing wrong with being shy though.
I shifted my attention to a lone seagull patrolling the shore overhead. I pointed to it.
But theres something wrong with being alone, and I should know, I said.
Its no fun, said Ben. Thats for sure.
He stroked my hand. I had never had my hand stroked before, not by a girl and certainly not
by a boy. It did something to me, something Id never experienced before. A delicious tingly
sensation rippled through my body. Warmth surged within me, stirring my blood and reddening
my cheeks.
He gazed into my eyes and melted my heart with a gentle smile. When he leaned in, I was
completely powerless to resist. I closed my eyes and lifted up my chin.
When our lips touched, all I can say is wow! The localized tingling sensation was even more
pleasurable than the whole body one. My blood stirred even more during the long passionate
kiss. But thats not the only thing that was stirring.
My eyes went wide with panic because of what was starting to reawakendownstairs, if you
catch my drift. It was trying to break free from its restraints as much as my passion had.
Stupid birth defect!
IveIve gotta go, I said.
Why? wondered Ben.
Im not feeling well, I said. Its not you. I had a wonderful time. Ive just got to go.
I turned and rushed away, kicking up sand the whole way. When I did, Ben shouted in my
direction.
Will I see you again? he asked.
All I could do was manage a nod.
I darted back to the strip, wedges in one hand and the other pulling my skirt away from my
hips. From the beach back to the boardwalk, and from the boardwalk back to the hotel, I was
terrified it was going to break free from its restraints, so much so that I took the stairs instead
of the elevator.

When I reached my floor, I padded across the carpet, fumbled for my keycard and burst
through the door. My heart was still racing when I collapsed on the bed and started sobbing.
I directed all of my pain, embarrassment, and frustration at the mistake between my legs. I
smacked it a few times, eliciting a few more stinging tears which joined the stream down either
cheek.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! I cried. Its not fair. Its just not fair. Why did you do
this to me? Why God? Why me?
It wasnt until I cried myself out that I realized something was conspicuously absent.
I knocked on the bathroom door.
Christina? Christina?
But there was no one.
Id better text her, I said.
My heart raced but this time in a bad way, a very bad way when I realized something else
was missing.
Oh shit! My purse!
My first day as a woman and Id already been absent minded enough to leave it somewhere.
Great! Ill probably get my period next.
I rushed downstairs. But I didnt even make it across the lobby when I heard a familiar voice
echo across the marble floor.
Forget something? said Ben with a smile.
I rushed over to him and embraced him without a second thought.
Thank you, I said breathlessly. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I gave him a light
kiss on the cheek.
Now it was his turn for his cheeks to flush.
No problem at all, he assured. But its really not me you should be thanking. Actually, it
was Christina. She handed it to me shortly after you rushed offWhy did you rush off?
It doesnt matter, I assured. I feel better now. I grinned ear-to-ear as I clutched my purse
closer. Much betterWhere is Christina by the way?
Ben shrugged his shoulders. All she told me was that she was going to hang out with a
friend at a club.
Arms akimbo, with incredulous eyes I said, And what club would that be? The kind that
looks the other way and lets impressionable underage girls in?
Sorry, but Im not Christinas keeper, said Ben.
Yeah, I conceded. Maybe she texted me about her change of plansno, nothing.
Do you want me to help you track her down? asked Ben.
Umm, I began. Sure. Why not? Like I said, you know this place better than I doLet me
ask you a question. If you were a young girl in Miami who, lets say just for the sake of
argument, has a fake ID, where would you go?
Ben beamed a wide smile.
I dont know about the young girl part, he said. But I do know a couple hip clubs that just
might meet the criteria.
Good, I said. Lets go before Christina goes all girls gone wild and ends up in a
Youtube video that her father finds on the internet.
After you, said Ben.
Now it was my turn to play the role of chaperone. I only hoped it wasnt too late.

Chapter 4: The Real Life Test?

Just like the previous clubs, Ben and I were enveloped by noise as soon as we walked
through the door, layer upon layer of chattering noise and rhythmic noise. I had to practically
shout to even rise above it, like a buoy on the water.
"Ben," I said, "you look on that side of the club and I'll search the other!"
"Gotcha!" he replied.
I asked myself, if I were a high school senior girl with a convincing fake ID in my purse,
where would I go first? My "woman's intuition" guided me to a location almost as crowded as
the dance floor.
The bartender greeted me with more than a friendly smile, reminding me that I was A-N-D-IE, not the hitherto invisible A-N-D-Y.
"What can I get for you Miss?" he asked.
"Uh, nothing yet," I said. "I'm looking for someone."
The bartender nodded before he turned his attention to a bubbly blond girl. However, when
he turned away, someone else turned his attention on me, a by this time, already loaded person I
might add, a guy who was the epitome of the frat-boy archetype.
"Still waiting for someone, huh?" he began.
"Something like that," I said.
"You know," he said, cocking his head to the side, "you look familiar. You wouldn't happen
to have a sister would you?"
"Yeah, I do," I said.
"Did you two come down to Miami together?"
I shook my head. "No, because she's back in southwest Virginia."
"You sure about that darling?" he asked.
"As sure as I am that my name is Andie," I said.
"Ohh," he said, leaning in closer. "Like Andie McDowellAnd just as pretty. So is your
sister."
"I told you," I said, "She's not in Miami."
"Then you must have a twin," he said.
I think the blood drained from face when he said the word "twin." Now it was my turn to lean
in.
"I need you to tell me everything you remember about her," I said, my face as deadpan as my
eyes.
"There's not much to tell," he said, leaning against the bar. "If you were wearing a different
dress, then we could recreate the scene when she totally blew me off when I tried to buy her a
drink."
"Is she still here?" I asked.
"Whoa, now wait a minute beautiful," he said. "If I tell you, what do I get in return? Huh?"
I licked my lips and forced the sexiest smile I could. Suddenly, I felt like a clone of my sister.
"I'll tell you what you'll get in return," I said. "Me not throwing a drink in your face."

"Jesus!" he exclaimed. "You two are exactly alike. What, are your periods in synch or
something?"
Rolling my eyes, I stood up. "You know, I'll tell you"
Before I could lay into this sexist a-hole, Ben rushed up to my side.
"I don't see her," he said. "Maybe she's in the bathroom."
I shot Mr. Frat-boy a withering glare when I spoke.
"I'm sure she is," I said, teeth clenched. "She must have needed anothertampon."
Ben's eyes were as perplexed as his cheeks were flushed.
"Let's go," I said.
"I thought you said she wasAren't you going to check the bathroom?" he wondered.
"My feminine intuition tells me she's not in there," I said.
I rushed out of the club, fuming the whole way, and not just because I had just enjoyed a
rather unpleasant initiation into girl world. Ben finally caught up to me when I reached the
boardwalk. By now, I was leaning against the railing.
"Are you going to be okay?" asked Ben gingerly, hands in his pockets.
I shook my head.
"Three clubs," I said. "We've been to three clubs andzilch. I give up. My feet are tired and
I give up."
"Hey," he said. "We'll find her."
"Or we'll get there just after she's left," I said dejectedly. "Or her friend has."
"I'm not sure I"
"Never mind," I interjected. "It's not important."
"C'mon," urged Ben. "Just one more club. Even if she's not there, maybe she'll return your
texts on the way."
"I don't know," I said, shifting my gaze back to the shimmering ocean.
"Here's what I know," said Ben, resting his arms next to mine. "If you don't keep on looking,
you'll regret it ifthat's not to say anything bad is going to happen to Christina."
"Actually," I said with a faraway look in my eyes, "I agree with you on that. I have a feeling
she's just finewith her 'new' friend."
Without even acknowledging Ben's confused and searching eyes, I abruptly turned around.
"C'mon," I said. "Let's get going before my feet convince me to change my mind." When he
rushed back up to my side, wearing an eager smile, I said, "I'll tell you Ben, I wish wedges were
as comfortable as they are cute. And I wish all guys were as nice as youWhew! Being a girl is
not for the faint of heart."
"Neither is being a guy sometimes," he added. "Seriously though. For example, there was this
one time"
But a female voice from to our left cut him off, a voice as high pitched as it was confused. I
half expected to see a munchkin when I turned around. Instead, little Ms. Sorority girl was
standing there among her sorority friends with their collective mouths gaping open.
"Ben, what are you doing here?" wondered the petite redhead. Then, with daggers in her
eyes, she stared me down. "And who iswho is this?"
"Babe, this isn't what it look like," said Ben.
Now it was my turn for my mouth to gape open when I looked over and saw Ben squirming
as much as he was trying to backpedal.
Ben's "babe" scoffed.
With kitten eyes, I looked at Ben and said, "I thought you said that you and her"

The wounded girl said, "Think again, MissMiss"

One of her friends interjected with a nickname of her own.
Cough! Slut. Cough!
Ben's eyes smoldered when he addressed is "ex."
"First of all Heather," he said. "She's not a slut. Her name is Alana. Second of all, we're not
together. She's my cousin Christina's friend."
"Oh of course," said Heather, feigning innocence. "Like, that totally explains why you're
defending her and the way you two were walking together like you were strolling down the
beach. I suppose the next thing you're going to tell me is that you're here in Miami doing
research with your professor."
Ben hung his head in shame for a few moments before speaking.
"Look," he said, rubbing his neck. "I'm sorry I lied to youabout the research trip. I should
have told you when it fell through. I don't know why I didn't. II guess I just came down here to
clear my head."
The end of Ben's sentence hung in the air like the sea salt.
"Which head?" whispered one of Heather's friends.
Ben had completely forgotten I existed by the time he finally bridged the awkward gulf
between he and Heather.
Heather stopped him dead in his tracks with the palm of her right hand.
"No," she declared coldly. "Not this time. I was stupid enough to let you lie to me once. I
won't let you do it to me againYou know, what? Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's better I
break up with you here and now during spring.break. I was going to wait until you got back
from your 'research' trip to tell you we're through. So I guess I'll go ahead and scrape the rest of
ourthe rest of ourwhatever it was that we had, off of my shoe."
Ben opened his mouth as if to speak, but Heather cut him off as quickly as a light.
"Goodbye," she said. She raised one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows when she favored me
with a glance. "Good luck hon."
But I wasn't taking it as in stride as Heather. No, not one bit.
Ben put his hand on my shoulder when he spoke, or at least tried to.
"Alana," he said softly. "I'mI'm really sorry that you had to witness that."
"So am I," I said weakly, tears stinging my eyes.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"As far away from you as possible," I said, glancing over my shoulder, eyes glistening as
much as the ocean.
"What about Christina?" he shouted.
I turned around and glared at his crestfallen face.
"Don't act like you all of the sudden care about her," I hissed. "You know, I've got an idea."
A perverse smile momentarily kept the tears at bay. "Christina's single and apparently so are you.
You two can hook up and lie to each other. And if you see Alana, tell her I said hi." I stormed
off, but I still wasn't satisfied. "You know, it's guys like you that make me wish I was a lesbian!"
As I marched down the boardwalk back to my hotel, I was tired, sad, and angry, but mostly
angry. I was angry I had been lied to by Ben, and probably Christina, and that scheming sister of
mine. But mostly, I was angry because I had been so nave. In that moment, I wished a certain
"Britney Spears'" youtube video was my only worry.

I didn't make it even halfway back to my hotel before my phone buzzed. I reached for it and
scoffed as much as Heather had scoffed when she caught Ben giving in to "restless penis
syndrome."
"Seriously, she's getting back to me now?" I said.
I found the nearest bench and rested my sore little feet. I massaged them for a while before I
checked the message. Turn about was fair play. If I had to wait, so did she. But my curiosity got
the better of me before I loitered on the bench too long and risked having to endure another lame
pickup line.
Andie, meet me at the Mexican restaurant. You know the one. There's something I need to
tell you. Christina
"That's interesting," I said.
I reflected on how amazing it was with regard to how quickly Christina had come to think of
me as girl, all girl, and nothing but girl. If my sister Alana was with her, and not simply a drunk
frat boy's wet dream hallucination, I wondered if she would feel the same. It was time to clear the
air as much as Heather had done earlier.
* * *
It was like standing in front of a mirror when the hostess led me to the table. Christina and
her "friend" were as speechless as Ben had been earlier as I stood there, arms crossed and stiff as
a board.
Shaking my head, I said, "You two are unbelievable." My sister Alana opened her cherry red
lip-stained mouth, but I cut her off like an ungrateful heir. "Uh-uh-uh. I have half a mind to take
a taxi to the airport and trade in my return ticket for an earlier departureAt least Miss Kitty
wouldn't lie to me."
"There's a really good explanation for this," said Alana sheepishly.
"There sure as hell better be," I said, salvaging that stone-hard look of indifference that
allowed me to survive the charade that was Andy for so long.
"Take a seat and we'll tell you," offered Christina.
"How about you tell me," I said. "Then I'll decide if I want to sit down."
Alana looked over at Christine and her pursed lips.
Alana said, "Should I or"
"Why don't I go first," said Christina. She cleared her throat, never once making eye contact
as she began. "You remember how I told you I was lucky? Well I wasn't lying. I am one of the
lucky ones. But one of my friends isn't that lucky. Her cancer hasn't gone into remission; in fact,
it's gotten worse, and it'll continue to get worse unless she gets the treatment she needs."
"Unfortunately," added Alana, it's an experimental treatment and it's not cheap. And it's not
covered by her insurance either."
"Who is she?" I asked with softened expression.
"Her name isn't really that important," said Christina. "What is important is that you help us
raise the money to pay for her treatment."
"Me?" I wondered. "I don't understand. How can I possibly help? I barely have enough
money left over to pay my car insurance after paying my rent and buying my food."
"You're wrong," argued my sister, looking me square in the eyes. "There is something you
can do. And from the moment Christina did your makeover, you've already started doing it."
In silence, I eased myself down in a chair at their table. My interest was certainly piqued.

"Go on," I said.

"Andie," said Alana. "I've know you've always been on the shy side."
"Until my little trip here," I remarked drolly.
"All the better," said Alana. "How would you feel about being filmed.not for a television
show or anything, but for a docu-series about the lives of transwomen."
"About as thrilled as going out with Ben on a date," I said.
"Think about it Andie," chimed in Christina, with revived enthusiasm, "Now that you've
come out to us, you could educate thousands, maybe even millions of people about what it's
really like to be a transwoman. You and the other girls in the docu-series could leave people with
a positive impression."
"She's right," said Alana. "Some people's minds have been poisoned by the Jerry Springer
freak portrayal or their own religionor both. You have the opportunity to be the antidote, to
show everyone you're just like any other woman."
"Oh I bet," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'm sure I could tell people all about what it's like to be a
transwoman; after all, I have so much experiencewow, almost twenty-four hours," I said,
glancing at my cellphone.
"I know you're afraid," said Alana. "And I also know you're angryat me mostly. But
please, for Christina's friend's sake and more importantly for your sake, think it over before you
go rushing off to the airport. HereCheck out the facebook page on my smartphone."
"I see I have something in common with the director," I said. "She looks amazing. She must
be fully transitioned."
I am so jealous!
"But she wants to show people what it's like to be in transition," said Alana.
I handed Alana back her smartphone, at which point the waiter showed up, checking up on us
girls.
"Can I bring you something to drink Miss?" he asked.
I shook my head. It wasn't until after he left that I managed a weak reply.
"I need some time to think about it," I said, studying my nails.
I rose to my feet as silently as a whisper. There was only the sound of my dress rippling in
the breeze.
Unlike everyone else lately, I didn't lie. I didn't rush back to the hotel room, stuff all of "my"
clothes back into my cramped carryon, and then wave down a taxi. I strolled toward the empty
beach, its wavy sand like a miniature version of the Sahara. It quickly became my own private
Oasis.
I stood where sun-baked sand meets ocean-refreshed grains. On this coolness, I pondered the
gray-area that was the gender limbo I was in. The soft approach of footsteps after what seemed,
to me, like only a few minutes, broke the spell the waxing and waning ocean held over me. And I
prayed they weren't Ben'sor Heather's footsteps.
I said, "Alana, I thought I told you I wanted to be alone.
"You were," she said. "For over fifteen minutes. Besides, it's not safe for a girl to be all alone
on a beach this time of the night."
"At least I already learned what pricks guys can be," I said.
"Not all," remarked Alana, staring off at her own spot on the horizon.
"Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?" I asked. "I'm a big girltranswoman. Whatever
label I fall under. I would never do something like this to you Alana."

"You wouldn't have done anything period unless Christina and I had given you a kick in your
complacency."
I tried to protest with outraged eyes, but Alana, arms akimbo, stared me down with the look
she had learned so well from our mother.
"You know it's true," she said. "Your life would continue to consist of holing yourself up in
your room and playing video games and watching TV with Miss Kitty on your lap as she licks
off the potato chip crumbs from your wrinkled t-shirt."
"So what?" I hissed. "It was my choice. Okay? It was my choice."
"So why did you choose to be miserable?" asked my sister in a voice as soft as silk.
"Why do you think?" I said. "Because it was uncomplicated. Was I unhappy? Yes. Were
things easiersort ofI guess."
"But aren't things easier now, now that you're able to be yourself?" she asked.
I was as silent as the stars shining above, as silent as God had always been in my life up until
now.
"I want to show you something Andie," she said.
Alana slowly unzipped her purse. She reached in with her perfectly manicured pink nails and
pulled out something rather unremarkable.
"What is that?" I asked. "Your ticket?"
Alana shook her head as gently as an evening Miami breeze.
"I snatched the folded sheet of dingy white computer paper from her outstretched hand. I
couldn't even get past the first few sentences before tears dampened the paper.
"Where did you get this? Where?" I snapped.
"After you disappeared," she said, head bowed like a guilty child. "You know, the incident
mom and dad never ever talk about."
"Jesus," I said. "Five years later and I'm still hearing about it. First, the video of me doing my
best Brittany Spears imitation and now this. Let me ask you something. Is there anything in my
room you haven't gone through? Do I have any privacy?"
"Privacy is for the living," said Alana. "When you disappeared, we didn't hear from you for
almost a week, a week Andy. We thought you were dead. Mom and Dad kept waiting for a
police officer to come knocking and tell them they had to come down to identify your body.
Mom and dad didn't sleep for days. Neither did I."
"I'm sorry," I cried. "How many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry I just started driving and
wound up all the way in California. It was stupid, I know. But that didn't give you the right to go
through my computer."
"You should be grateful I did," said Alana. "I found that note you wrote before mom and dad
did, and deleted it."
"But not before you printed it out," I said.
Alana's eyes took on a faraway look before she broke an uncomfortable silence.
"Before I read the note, I always suspected," she said. "I always knew you were different
than all of my friends' brothers. The note just confirmed it. But I had no idea how much trying to
be a boy was hurting you, how much being what everyone expected you to be was tearing you up
inside."
"Then why didn't you say something earlier?" I asked in weary tone. "Why?"
"Because I had no right to try and drag you kicking and screaming out of the closet," she
said. "I knew you had to decide when the time was right."

"Or have someone decide it for me," I said, arms crossed. "Tell me something Alana, do you
think mom and dad suspect, you know, that they really have a daughter instead of a son?"
"Hmm," mused Alana. "If anything, I think they think you're gay."
"Gay?" I whined.
"Think about it," said Alana. "I mean, when was the last time you brought a girl home?"
"What about senior year, at Prom?" I said.
Alana chuckled.
"That went well," she said, rolling her eyes.
"How would you know?" I said, in indignant tone.
"Duh, I was there, remember?" she said, crossing her tanned arms. "She was practically
throwing herself at you; in fact, later on she confided in me that you could barely stand to kiss
her on the cheekIt's actually kind of funny. She thought she was cursed to be a gay magnet."
"I don't think mom and dad would think it was that funny," I said.
"It's okay to like guys," said Alana matter-of-factly. "Lord knows I have over the years. And
it's okay to be transgender."
"Too bad everyone doesn't feel the same way," I said.
I eased my way down onto the sand which sparkled in the moonlight, and gazed off into the
distance at a passing ship.
Alana sat down next to me and gently grasped my soft hand. She spoke to me as gently as the
waves were lapping the shore.
"Mom and dad love you just like I do," said Alana. "They'll come around."
"After dad recovers from his stroke from the shock," I joked.
"From what I've learned from all of the support group sites, fathers typically have a more
difficult time accepting their new daughter." She smiled before saying, "But I hear sisters have
an easier time with it.twin sisters at least." She gave me a wink.
Alana's words and her embrace were as reassuring to my troubled mind as the waves and
gentle breeze were comforting. The smile she coaxed out of me was as warm as hers.
"I love you Alana," I said.
I love you too sis," she replied. "By the way, have you decided on a name yet?"
"Maybe you can help me with that," I said. "I'll need one for the documentary."
"Well," she began. "For the time being, come on A-N-D-I-E. The night is still young. Let's
make this girl's night out one to remember."
We got up and walked hand-in-hand back to the gleaming strip. It was like a switch had been
flipped in my troubled mind. All of the sudden, I felt truly alive for the first time in my life. I was
as unburdened as a little child building a sand castle on the beach.
The End?