‘Trebisacci 1 NN J 4 Wit PLT V mr t ob Ws A . L aus ak Nicholas Trebisacei “7/7 1 j 2 pbk mo @ Yow Mrs. Oliveira a Py College Writing 15 January 2017 Word Count: 1092 ‘A High School Musical ‘The phrase sexual orientation is defined as a person's sexual identity in relation to the gender they are attracted to. For most of my life these two words, which classify a citizen into a specific group, seemed like a weight hanging over my head. At school, I felt like everyone tried to categorize me, assuming my sexual orientation before I figured it out myself. A select group of fellow classmates hounded me, calling me names and spreading rumors about me, My particularly feminine qualities, such as my higher pitched voice, ove shadowed the masculine ~ characteristics I possessed. Even though I had the same athletic abilities as the other guys in my grade, and dated girls, my peers labeled me as gay. Although the bullying continued into high school, music allowed me to escape into a different world. Music has always been a great passion of mine. In fact, in elementary “ipo joined the fourth grade chorus and I also have participated in three talent shows. However, a6 I grew older, I became more interested in listening to songs, rather than singing them. I especially loved listening to songs because I fancied deciphering their deeper meaning. Unknowingly, the music I listened to during high school, seemed to correspond with the hardships I endured. The correlation between events in my life and the lyrics of my favorite songs created a deeper connection, we‘Trebisacci 2 ‘Asa naive freshmen in high school, I wanted to make my transition as smooth as, possible, In an attempt to evade the bullying, I tried dating more girls, but to no avail. My first high school girlfriend, however, introduced me to amazing music, opening my eyes to the world of rock n’ roll, and the beauty of Queen. I soon grew attached to their songs, obsessing over “Somebody to Love”. Throughout the year, I tried “to find somebody to love,” searching for the spark everyone talked about (Queen). I searched, continuously, but found no female whom I felt strongly attached to. In retrospect, I only focused my energy on finding a gir! to cover up my subconscious attraction toward guys. I would “start to pray till the tears [ran] down from my by aa Mh L eyes” pleading with God to rid my brain from the growing interest in my male peers (Queen). Pretending to be “okay...[and] alright” did not last long (Queen). The summer going into my sophomore veyone a step in the right direction, and then four steps backward. At the end of my freshmen year, I stumbled upon a unique friend group, who opened my ‘mind toward the acceptance of my sexual identity. The three individuals were open about their sexual preferences, creating a safe environment for me. These older, and more mature, individuals accepted each other lovingly, making it easy for them to share their sexual orientations comfortably. In fact, one of the girls in the group later came out as bisexual, while continuing to disregard the labels which “right wing conservatives” placed people into (Macklemore). My “preconceived idea of what it all meant for those that liked the same sex” morphed into a more ‘mature outlook; that an individual should live their life without the pressure of labels (Macklemore). —~ During the summer, | found myself lying awake late at night, quietly listening to “Same Love” by Macklemore, so no one else heard. I would stare at the wall thinking about how myTrebisacci 3 ignorant classmates made the word “gay synonymous with the lesser” (Macklemore). The song inspired me to impulsively text two members of the group confessing my attraction toward other males. | felt immediate relief, but soon after enormous anxiety rose within me. They responded nicely, but I quickly redacted the statement, pushing the idea deeper into the bowels of my mind. At that time, I did not realize “I [couldn’t] change. ..even if I tried” (Macklemore). But I tried anyways. ‘The following year, the bullying continued, however, it was overpowered by my own personal struggles. My self-esteem lowered as the conflict with my identity heightened. On long car rides, I found myself gravitating towardy the song “I'm a Mess” by Ed Sheeran, My intemal conflict created “a mess. ..inside [and] out,” resulting in more crying (Sheeran). I tried so hard to become emotionally attached to girls, “going through the motions...to see the flames” of love ignite before my eyes (Sheeran). But the fire I wished to spark was doused years ago. Thad “p,.(/"— “known it for the longest time” but I never wanted to accept it (Sheeran). I wished, and pleaded, bl fi to “fall in love” with a girl, “only caus[ing]....{me] pain,” (Sheeran). As the school year dragged | on, the denial lessened, and on one hot summer night, I stopped denying my sexual orientation altogether. The words “I am gay” rolled off my tongue, like the soundwaves from my favorite songs, and hung in the warm summer air. Swept up by the calm breeze, my anxiety drifted away and relief rushed over me. They “tell us from the time we're young to hide the things we don’t like about ourselves,” but that night I let my deepest, darkest secret out (Lambert). Until then, “I...attempted to be someone else,” someone I simply would never be (Lambert). My anthem in my junior year changed from a sad, emotional song, to a song which celebrated letting our secrets te ‘ {Trebisacei 4 roam free, “Secrets” by Mary Lambert, played on repeat, while I expressed my enthusiasm for being true to myself, for the first time in years. By not worrying “if the whole world knows what pi iy secrets are,” my mood positively shifted (Lambert), The atitude adjustment brought great a triumphs in my senior year. In September, | faced a daunting task, picking the topic for my college application essay. I pondered over the various options, ultimately choosing to write about my identity, and the adversity I faced while finding it. My favorite songs over the years, the ones I continuously listened to, assisted in the overcoming of my identity crisis I wrote about in my college essay. The carefree attitude I now possessed, allowed me to comfortably elaborate on my intemal struggles with accepting my homosexuality. The essay I wrote, fueled by the songs [listened to, received great praise by my instructor. My teacher believed the message, of overcoming a personal conflict and ignoring the opinions of others, was powerful enough to publish. (// Throughout my high school career, the lyrics within each song helped me compose a deeper meaning of self love, finally learning to rejoice in the person I embodied. or aa aur ene \Qaas «Trebisacci S Works Cited Lambert, Mary. “Secrets”. Heart on My Sleeve, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Wamer/Chappell Music Inc., 2014. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. “Same Love”. The Heist, Macklemore LLC, 2012. Sheeran, Ed. “I'm A Mess”. X, Asylum Records, Atlantic Records, 2014, Queen. “Somebody to Love”. 4 Day At The Races, RCA, 1976.