(You Can't Call Me Al)

(10" Edit for Short/Sharp/Script WOM)

by
(Vinay Choudary)
18th Tuesday September 2012
CHARACTER NAME BRIEF DESCRIPTION AGE GENDER
Alan Normand Pianist/Womanizer 44 Male
Alan Bairstow Grief Counsellor/Serial Killer 38 Male
Megan Normand Ghost/Dead Wife/Control Freak 39 Female
 SCENE 1 - SUCCULENCE

FADE UP:

ALAN BAIRSTOW marches on to stage with

a large box of pizza followed by a very
puzzled Alan Normand.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
I used to work the phones for 800-HELP. Youre my first

(uses air quotes; nearly drops

the box)
... live one. I couldnt just walk out on you.

ALAN NORMAND
Weve been through this. I dont need your help.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
You say that now. A week later the neighbors smell something.
The police break down your front door. Your heads in the
oven but its cold. Its too late to help.

ALAN NORMAND
Im going to be fine. I have a nice lady friend coming over.

ALAN BAIRSTOW ALAN NORMAND

The young lady with the 87 Yes.
white manual Camry?

ALAN BAIRSTOW ALAN NORMAND

In the bright red dress? Yes.

ALAN BAIRSTOW ALAN NORMAND

Yes.
(gestures)
About this tall?

ALAN BAIRSTOW ALAN NORMAND

Yes. That sounds right.
(gestures)
Voluptuous?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Phew! Youre in luck. Shes not coming.

ALAN NORMAND
She isnt? How would you know?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
She was sliding into a handicapped parking spot by the fancy
school. I begged her pardon. We had words... I threatened to
make a citizens arrest. She drove off.
 2.

Pause.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
She did not seem like the appropriate company for you. Your
wifes corpse still being warm & all.

ALAN NORMAND
I need to call Vivian. You need to leave.

Alan Bairstow puts the box down and

pulls out the MANUAL.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
The manual says that the first 48 hours after the loss of a
loved one are the hardest. You need me more than you know it.

ALAN NORMAND
Im absolutely fine. In fact I would go so far as to say Im
happy.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Youre happy that your wife is dead?

Pause. No response.

ALAN NORMAND
Its differently abled not handicapped. Leave.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
I did not write the manual Alan. I have to stay.

(beat)
Wonderful speech at the service. Wonderful. Didn't care much
for the duck after though. Too dry. I prefer my duck more...
Succulent,

(snaps his fingers)

- now there's a good word, if there ever was one - succulent.

ALAN NORMAND
Succulent? Really?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Just say the word - succulent. Gives you that warm, wholesome
feeling... Succulent.

ALAN NORMAND

(deadpan)
Succulent?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Don't you feel that if everything in life were succulent it
would be just grand?
 3.

ALAN NORMAND
May I have slice of that pizza?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Not until you say the grand word with me. Come on now. Say
the word - with me ...

ALAN BAIRSTOW ALAN NORMAND

(Slowly) Succulent. (Reluctantly) Succulent.

SCENE 2 - HANDCUFFS PART 1

An empty bottle of Irish whiskey & two

glasses are on the table. Alan Bairstow
is fast asleep at the table. He SNORES.
Alan Normand is at the piano. He can't
sleep. He tries to play but his arm is
stuck to something. He pulls at it &
discovers there is a handcuff around
his wrist. Alan pulls at it - hard. He
follows the short chain under the
piano. He jerks back violently when he
discovers what is under the piano --
MEGAN NORMAND.

Megan slides out from under the piano.

She smiles at Alan Normand. He tries to
get the cuffs off but he can't.

ALAN NORMAND
AL... AL...

Alan Bairstow wakes up with a jerk.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
What's going on? Are you all right?

ALAN NORMAND
No I'm not all right. I'm bloody hell not all right. Please
tell me I'm dreaming... tell me this is not happening to me.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Do you see your wife in the room?

ALAN NORMAND
In a manner of speaking, YES.

ALAN BAIRSTOW

(waves the manual)

That's perfectly normal. Says right here on page 11.
 4.

ALAN NORMAND
Does it say that I'll be handcuffed to her?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Handcuffed? Thats just the Irish talking. I'll get you some
Seltzer you'll be right as rain in a bit.

He exits. Alan Normand closes his eyes

& slowly turns to Megan.

ALAN NORMAND
Please, please go away...

MEGAN NORMAND
I did... I was gone for good in fact. Almost at the end of
the tunnel on to the other side in fact.

ALAN NORMAND
Please don't use in fact. For the past 22 years you've never
completed a single sentence without using in fact.

MEGAN NORMAND
I have... in fact... (beat) I have not...

ALAN NORMAND
So what made you come back? I'm sure the other side is much
better than this?

MEGAN NORMAND
I got thinking that you've been on the road for -- 16 years?

ALAN NORMAND
18.

MEGAN NORMAND
18... so how many women have you been with in that time?

ALAN NORMAND
I don't know... A few, give or take a few hundred more.

MEGAN NORMAND
You know how many men I've been with -- ever?

SILENCE. Alan sinks into the stool.

MEGAN NORMAND
I thought so too. ONE. Just ONE... Alan Normand.

ALAN NORMAND MEGAN NORMAND

I never stopped you... On the contrary.
 5.

ALAN NORMAND
On our way back from parties. I always asked you if there was
someone in the room you wanted to sleep with?

MEGAN NORMAND
How thoughtful...

ALAN NORMAND
You can accuse me of a lot of things but you can't accuse me
of not being supportive.

MEGAN NORMAND
Like the time you suggested I sleep with Rupert?

ALAN NORMAND
That's unfair. I was under the influence. A lot of influence.

MEGAN NORMAND
You wanted me to guilt him into letting you get your break.

ALAN NORMAND
You said yes. You were sober. What's your excuse?

MEGAN NORMAND
It's amazing how you manage to make everything seem like it's
my fault.

ALAN NORMAND
You knew that's the way I was right when we met.

MEGAN NORMAND
I walked in on Mrs. Bentwood, the piano teacher & you, under
her piano.

ALAN NORMAND
She did write me a great reference.

MEGAN NORMAND
It was /

ALAN NORMAND MEGAN NORMAND

...educational/inspiring? ...unethical/illegal?

ALAN NORMAND
I had to take you to the prom, to keep your mouth shut.

MEGAN NORMAND
You got on to stage & played Great Balls of Fire.

ALAN NORMAND
They put the spot light on you.

MEGAN NORMAND
I was the toast of the prom in fact.
 6.

ALAN NORMAND
Angela Tanning was the Prom Queen /

MEGAN NORMAND
...but boy did I steal her thunder.

ALAN NORMAND
I can't believe you're complaining about how things turned
out?

MEGAN NORMAND
I saw her again in fact.

ALAN NORMAND
Mrs. Bentwood?

MEGAN NORMAND
Angela Tanning. When we went to Brussels for the Millennium
Concert. She was a night clerk or something at The Ascot.

ALAN NORMAND
Front Desk Manager... at The Regency.

MEGAN NORMAND
Whatever. I wanted to walk up to her &... How did you know?
You went to the concert hall directly [from the airport].

(realizes)
Alan Normand did you in fact sleep with Angela Tanning, Front
Desk Manager at the Regency?

ALAN NORMAND
In fact I did.

A PHONE RINGS in another room.

MEGAN NORMAND
Why does everything with you come down to sex?

ALAN NORMAND
Its just the way I was tuned. Maybe I was just breast fed
too long? Ask Freud. How does a why make a difference?

MEGAN NORMAND
As long as the pork chops are on the table. You dont care
how many pigs have to die?

ALAN NORMAND
Always the erudite one Megan. Could go 12 rounds with anyone
on anything.

MEGAN NORMAND
Youre the one with the Honorary Doctorate. Dr. Alan Normand.
 7.

ALAN NORMAND
The deans wife is a fan.

MEGAN NORMAND
If I still had my insides. Id barf.

ALAN NORMAND
You did write a wonderful acceptance speech.

MEGAN NORMAND
You pulled if off with great elan, though you read the second
page first.

ALAN NORMAND
We were a good team. Ill admit that.

MEGAN NORMAND
When we played together that is.

ALAN NORMAND
Youre not going to guilt me about my choices Megan.

MEGAN NORMAND
I thought addiction rules out choice?

ALAN NORMAND
Ive seen you give some of those Ivy League boys a pat down
on Aristotles Poetics. We just had different conquests.

MEGAN NORMAND
I did it so you would notice me. Want me. There was a time
when it did work too.

ALAN NORMAND MEGAN NORMAND

The slutty blue gown... The slutty blue gown...

MEGAN NORMAND

(pulls at the handcuffs)

In fact it was the only instance before this - we used these.

ALAN NORMAND
Your giving those stuck up frogs at my high school reunion a
stiff one did have the desired effect.

MEGAN NORMAND
Would it have bothered you if it were more than that?

ALAN NORMAND
No.

MEGAN NORMAND
It would be totally all right if one those frogs ravaged me?
 8.

ALAN NORMAND
Yes.

MEGAN NORMAND
Damn you Alan Normand.

ALAN NORMAND
Dont do this. You know Ill win.

Alan Bairstow returns with Seltzer.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
I just got off the phone with the police.

ALAN NORMAND
The police?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
They said something about coming down for an investigation.

ALAN NORMAND
I spoke to the officers at the accident site.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Maybe they reckon you killed your wife?

ALAN NORMAND
I DID NOT KILL MEGAN. I had neither the means nor the motive.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Why does there always have to be a motivation for murder?

ALAN NORMAND
What would be the point of murder without the motivation?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
Not every murderer is the jealous spouse, or after the money,
or been poked in the wrong place by a father or uncle at 7.

ALAN NORMAND
Its human nature... we dont do anything without a motive.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
For some folk it might just be like chocolate-chip ice-cream.

ALAN NORMAND
Were still talking about murder right?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
I didn't care for it much but I tried it - once. I liked it.
Now the only kind I get is chocolate-chip ice-cream. There's
no bloody motivation to why I get chocolate-chip ice-cream.
 9.

ALAN NORMAND
I would proffer a suggestion -- chocolate-chip ice-cream and
murder are two totally different things.

ALAN BAIRSTOW
I've killed 14 people so far. Its the same damn thing as the
chocolate-chip ice-cream. No different.

ALAN NORMAND ALAN BAIRSTOW

Excuse me? No.

ALAN NORMAND
Did you just say youve killed 14 people?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
So far. Yes. Same damn thing as chocolate-chip ice-cream. No
motivation.

Long Pause.

ALAN NORMAND
Why are you telling me this? I mean... aren't you worried I
might tell someone?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
No because Im going to kill you before the end of the day.

ALAN NORMAND
WHY?

ALAN BAIRSTOW
At first I thought, Ill just tip you over the edge, like I
did with the rest of them. I shined a light on their grief,
held a mirror to their guilt, punctured their float of hope.
They were ready to go. I wasnt the cause of their deaths. I
was just the [medium] -- 800-HELP. I thought you would be a
grief ridden husband. Easy to tip over but you feel no grief,
no guilt, youre an emotional blank. I cant help you die so
I might as well kill you.

Alan Bairstow drinks the Seltzer.

MEGAN NORMAND
This is perfect Alan. We could really make this work.

ALAN NORMAND
I'm sorry. I was a little distracted by the psychopath who
just threatened to kill me. What the hell are you talking
about?

MEGAN NORMAND
I need to have sex with Alan Bairstow.
 10.

ALAN NORMAND
Megan; you can sleep with the Pope for all I care.

MEGAN NORMAND
I need to know Alan.

ALAN NORMAND
Know what?

MEGAN NORMAND
I cant leave you until I know how youd really feel if I
slept with someone else.

ALAN NORMAND
You dont need to leave. It looks Im going to be joining you
in a while.

MEGAN NORMAND
I need to know that I did not waste my entire life in love
with a man who didnt feel anything for me beyond pity.

ALAN NORMAND
You do that. I need to figure out how to get this nut job out
of the house.

MEGAN NORMAND
Whats the plan, Caligula?

ALAN NORMAND
I'm going to call the cops. Yes that's what I'm going to do.

MEGAN NORMAND
Really? You're going to tell them...

(mockingly)
I know you suspect I killed my wife but the grief counsellor
over here is trying to kill me.

ALAN NORMAND
Not in those many words...

MEGAN NORMAND
You really think that duck is going to fly?

ALAN NORMAND
What the hell am I going to do?

MEGAN NORMAND
You're going to do something for me; for once.

ALAN NORMAND
I'm going to run...
 11.

MEGAN NORMAND
You're going to have sex with Alan Bairstow.

ALAN NORMAND
... that's what I'm going to do I'm going to run for my life.

MEGAN NORMAND
That's right Alan. You can pretend you didn't hear me.

ALAN NORMAND
Im not pretending.

MEGAN NORMAN
... I know you heard me cause there is no me.

(holds the handcuffs up)

You are me; so when I want to sleep with Alan Bairstow --
you're just going to have to do it for me... In fact.

FADE TO BLACK.