A Verbal Version of 'The

Three Minute Game'

JOHN COMPOST COSSHAM18 NOIEMBRIE 2015
(developed for the Alternatives To Violence Project and its
offshoot, Sunshine)
This exercise is about learning that when we speak to another
person, there may be times when we're giving to that person,
and other times when actually, being heard is what you need
to receive from them. When we talk to people about
something, we rarely think about why we're speaking to them.
Are we speaking because we think it might help them or they'd
enjoy hearing it, or are you doing it for yourself, because for
whatever reason, you need to tell someone?
The exercise is divided into two halves, and in each half, both
person A and person B get a turn at doing the same thing. The
exercise will involve a couple of minutes thinking time, and
the speaker asking the listener if they think they'd be OK with
the subject they plan to speak about, followed by 3 minutes of
one person speaking.
The first part of the exercise is about what you want to or need
to say to another person. Your speech needs a listener. So,
person A says to person B that they'd like to tell them about
something, not because they think person B will be interested,
but because person A wants or needs to be heard.
Examples might be about:
the recent death of a much loved pet;
an amazing day recently where person A won a lottery
prize, passed their driving test AND someone they fancy
agreed to go on a date;
a book they're reading which is really involved and
exciting;
their child doing well in a school production and being
 the star of the show.
Telling person B may be cathartic and/or enjoyable for person
A.
Person B, the 'active listener', mustn't have a conversation
with the speaker, or ask questions or interrupt, but can nod or
otherwise encourage the speaker to continue, perhaps using
the words 'yes' and 'go on' to indicate their interest and
engagement. Person B is giving person A their time and
attention. However, the listener does have the right to say stop
at any time, to say that they don't want to continue listening or
cannot hear any more. They do not have to give a reason. This
is about the listener remaining feeling 'safe' in the workshop,
although the discussion time before the 3 minutes started
should help avoid this possibility.
Person B then takes on the role of the speaker, and says to
person A that they'd like to tell them about something, and if
that subject seems acceptable, person B starts their 3 minutes
and person A is the listener.
The second half of the exercise is about learning how to ask for
information. So, person A is going to ask to be told about
something and is then going to be an active listener.
However, they have to be aware that some topics might be
sensitive and 'off limits'. These might include mental health
status, substance use, sexuality.
Examples could be:
'Can you tell me about an important person whilst you
were growing up?'
'Would you tell me about a time when you were brave?'
'Will you tell me about why you do your hobby/sport or
follow a particular team?'
'What foods/meals are you good at preparing?'
Person B, the speaker, needs to check that they're comfortable
telling person A about that subject, and if for whatever reason
they're not, they can ask for a different subject. When the 3
minutes starts, the speaker should attempt to speak for the full
3 minutes if possible, and if they 'dry up', the active listener
should stay with them, engaged, but not in conversation.
Remember, it is only 3 minutes and the time will go quite
quickly.
Then the pair swap roles. Person B asks person A to tell them
something, or explain something, and person B listens
intently.
The importance of this exercise is that sometimes we are
giving, sometimes taking. The speaker is the giver in this
second exercise, but in the first, the listener is giving their
attention. In this second exercise, the listener is asking for
information and receiving it, whereas in the first the speaker is
actually being given to, they are receiving attention.
Most often in conversations we do not think about who is
giving and who is taking, and why we are saying something,
explaining something, or sharing information. This exercise
might help participants think about this little aspect of
communication.
Resources needed:
A three minute timer such as an egg timer with sand in,
or an electronic timer. Pairs of participants will decide
when to start their 3 minutes as in a group, different
couples will need different amounts of thinking time,
especially if subjects are rejected.
Possibly a pile of paper slips with prompts and ideas on,
just in case someone can't think of a subject.
A facilitator to introduce the game and explain the
reasons behind it, which are mainly the idea that the
speaker may be giving, or receiving, and the listener is
also receiving, or giving their time and attention.
Time for 4 x 3 minutes plus maybe 2 minutes 'work time'
before each 3 minute section, so the whole exercise might
take between 20 and 30 minutes, including the
introduction and any discussion afterwards.
Background to The Three Minute Game
The original game comes from the areas of touch therapy (eg
massage) and bodywork, and relationship therapy where it is
important to be able to negotiate boundaries and learn how to
say no and to ask for things.
The format is person A says to person B 'For 3 minutes would
you do such and such to me?' and person B will either say 'Yes
that's fine' and sets the timer and does it, or says 'Well, no, I
don't feel like doing that, can you choose something else?'
Examples might be massaging a hand, scratching a back,
stroking forehead, looking into eyes and saying nothing. With
intimate partners, the ask could be an erotic activity, and with
couples wanting to explore kink, the ask could be a BDSM or
roleplay activity.
At any time any participant can say they've had enough and
stop what's happening. In this game a word like 'stop' is
probably enough, but a safe word or code may be negotiated,
such as 'green' meaning the activity is liked and more is
wanted, 'amber' meaning that some sort of boundary is being
approached; maybe the activity is too rough or hard, or is
beginning to become uncomfortable, and 'red' which means to
stop and desist. Additionally, guidance such as 'harder' or 'a
bit gentler please' are absolutely acceptable.
The second part of the game is just to reverse the roles; person
B asks person A if they will do something to them for 3
minutes.
After this, the second half of the game starts. This is where
person A says to person B 'For three minutes I'd like to do
such and such to you'. The things asked for might be much the
same sorts of things; and with an expectation of
communicating needs and negotiation. For instance, 'I'd like
to scratch your back' might be met by 'I'd be OK with you
rubbing my back, but not scratching it'. Person A then agrees
to rub person B's back, or may ask to do something completely
different.
Finally, the roles are reversed, person B asks to do something
to A for 3 minutes. After this is completed, that's one round of
the game finished.
In a group such as AVP, we are interested in being able to ask
for things, being able to negotiate, being able to say no. This is
why I thought the game might work in 'no touching' setting. I
would like to thank Judith Ward for her help in developing
this exercise.
For some background to the game, see
https://youtu.be/VGgW18q5C2E (Betty Martin and Harry
Faddis in conversation, 20 minutes)
Betty Martin describes the game and then we see it being
played by a number of different couples in a workshop
situation https://youtu.be/_KCzpNBNbVM (14 minutes)
The Three Minute Game fits into a larger framework called the
'Wheel of Consent'. This has a lot to say about how we relate to
each other, and goes beyond the physical touch, although this
is where it's based.
https://youtu.be/auokDp_EA80 (Betty Martin working
through the Wheel of Consent, 45 minutes)
John Cossham, November 2015
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terge
Little Jem John - have you read : "Time to Think" (by Nancy Kline). I think you'd find it
fascinating. One of her examples is along these lines, and this may be a development of
it.

mi place Rspunde 2 18 noiembrie 2015 la 15:55

Little Jem a rspuns 4 rspunsuri

terge
Lynn Kreaden This is fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing!
 mi place Rspunde 1 decembrie 2015 la 17:37

terge
John Compost Cossham Betty Martin has commented on this in the Wheel of Consent
group thus: "I like this one, too - I use these 2 questions: what would you like to say to
me? and what would you like to hear from me?"

mi place Rspunde 3 decembrie 2015 la