THE PASSION OF MAD DOG MAE DONNER

a monologue

by

Vonn Scott Bair

2015 by Vonn Scott Bair

928 Haight Street, Apt. 5
San Francisco, CA 94117
Telephone: (415) 505-2662
vonnscottbair@comcast.net
vonnscottbair.wordpress.com


THE CHARACTER

Mad Dog Mae Donner (50s, any race, ethnicity, superb physical
condition, even after a history of knee surgery) is a retired
womens professional wrestler who now manages the women talent
in a promotion. In order to pursue her career, a quarter-century
earlier she gave up her newborn daughter for adoption. A few
months before the present, the promotion discovered through DNA
testing that Maes newest star, The Alaskan Jamie West, is that
very same daughter, whom she addresses in this monologue.

TIME

The present.

SETTING

Backstage at the promotions biggest annual show.

 The Passion of Mad Dog Mae Donner - 1

MAD DOG MAE DONNER

What in the name of goddam holy mother-of-FUCK was that?!?! Did
you and Titania Jones go completely fucking insane??

Do not talk to me about the pops those spots got. Everything the
two of you did in the Chamber of Horrors Death Match, almost all
of that shit, was BANNED by The Boss because of the injuries the
men suffered when they tried them! Have you never seen tape of
what happened to Chainsaw Cutler three years ago? Yes you have,
because I fucking showed both of you that video! That was
supposed to be a how-NOT-to video!

I cannot believe you said that.

Jamie, look at me. 99 per cent of me wants to kill you before

you break my heart and kill yourself! Do I sound like a woman
who is happy that you snapped Titanias 318 day, 39 match
winning streak and won your first strap? One mistimed spot, off
by a split-second or missing by an inch, and one or both of you
could have fucking DIED! For Gods sake, Choke Slams and Power
Bombs onto the concrete? You girls had Kendo sticks, folding
chairs, steel steps, and a steel cage. You did NOT need a bed of
nails, thumbtacks, and a barbed-wire-wrapped baseball bat!! I
scripted Titanias title reign, her winning streak, your rise to
number 1 contender and your goddam victory tonight, and I AM NOT
HAPPY! I am not proud of you, OK, one-tenth of me is proud of
you, but the other nine-tenths of me wants to fucking KILL you!!

For Gods sake, Jamie, do me a favor and think.

Think about my own personal rollercoaster. Think about how much

you hurt me, yes, me when you pulled that shit tonight. Yeah,
me, Mad Dog Mae Donner, the toughest women in the history of
wrestling. You have no idea how badly you hurt me. I fucking
cried real tears tonight. I thought my daughter going to die.

For years, I dreamed of finding the next Mad Dog Mae Donner, a
big, tough, outdoorsy-looking girl at least five foot ten who
looked like she hailed from the Great American Wilderness. What
did I find? Squat. I found good wrestlers, even if they started
as failed fitness models and/or failed actresses and/or failed
stuntwomen. I broke them, grew them, trained them, and groomed
them into the best womens roster in any promotion in the world
outside of Japan. But no wild woman. No Mad Dog.
 The Passion of Mad Dog Mae Donner - 2

Six months ago, you walked into the Corvallis venue uninvited
during rehearsal and said you wanted a job.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Six feet tall. One hundred seventy pounds. A necklace strung

with the tips of the antlers of deer you had culled with a bow
and arrows. With a fucking bow and arrows!! And a hat like Clint
Eastwoods in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly sewn from the hide
of one of those deer!

Whats your name, honey?

Armanda Hammer.
Your real name.
Jemima Westbrook.
Where you from?
I hail from Parts Unknown.
Your real home.
Denali Borough, Alaska.
Denali Borough?
Its like a county. Bout ten times the size a Rhode Island.
Population less than 2,000.
You know anything about wrestling? Where did you train?
Calgary.

I dont know how long we stared at you before I said, Honey, no

more of this Armanda Parts Unknown bullshit. You are now The
Alaskan Jamie West. And fuck tryouts. You are hired.

I had never seen anyone with such a natural-born intuition for

this crazy business, who knew that great matches are more than
great spots, theyre great stories. PWIs named you Rookie of
the Year. For fucks sake, Meltzer said you have the best
gimmick since The Undertaker. Meltzer hates this promotion, but
he loves you! Its like you were built in Frankensteins lab
only this time he got it right, everyones telling me, Jamies
like you, Mad Dog, only better. Hell, you even do Lightning
from a Clear Blue Sky better than I did!

So when Stockyard Sam joked that The Alaskan Jamie West was a
daughter no one ever knew I had--it got me wondering. Especially
after you told me the Westbrooks had adopted you. Because once
upon a time, I had a daughter no one knew about. And I had put
her up for adoption. I had to.

When I started out, women made dogshit compared to the jobbers

at the bottom of the mens rosters. If I was lucky, I made
enough on the road to sleep in motels so bad I cant even call
 The Passion of Mad Dog Mae Donner - 3

them fleabags because that would be an insult to the fleas!

Sometimes I slept on the couch of an employee of a promotion.
Sometimes I slept in my ten-year-old car, a real two-toned
beauty--half the paint had chipped off.

I absolutely fucking loved this absolutely fucked-up lifestyle.

I absolutely believed women had a future in wrestling, as real
wrestlers, not sex bimbos. Never wrestled a lingerie match, not
one Halloween costume match, none of those sex gimmick matches.
I worked the parking lots of strip malls where the anchor tenant
was an Arbys, circus tents at county fairs after the elephant
acts and before the cleanup, and gyms like Poca, West Virginia,
High School, Home of the Dots! Only real wrestling for me. To
prove women could get over with the fans as real wrestlers.

Then one night a goddam condom broke.

When the doctor told me a little over two months later, you know
what I felt? No! Not hatred. Not for you. How could you say
that?! I felt nothing but love for my little baby, didnt know
didnt care if you were a girl or a boy. I loved you.

I loved you so much that I had to put you up for adoption.

Because I love this insane business.

And there was no way you were going to grow up moving from town
to goddam town sleeping on a goddam sofa or in my car or in the
worst motel in any goddam state.

I loved you too much to do that to you. So I gave you up even if

I never gave up thinking of you and loving you. I thought of you
and loved you every time Mad Dog Mae Donner wrestled fifteen
minutes in front of ten spectators. I thought of you and loved
you every time some 49 cent fried chicken leg upset my stomach.
I thought of you and loved you the first time I won the Japan
All-Girl Wrestling World Championship and the other eight times
I won a strap.

I thought of you and loved you the night that fourth ACL in my
left knee told me it was time to move to the front office. All I
wanted was for you to be fine, healthy, loved, and, and, and-

-and when The Boss told me that he wanted to work an angle where
I discover youre my daughter--I, I, I said that was just too
corny, and he said, Mae, we took some plastic water bottles
 The Passion of Mad Dog Mae Donner - 4

after you two drank from them and sent them in for DNA testing
as part of the kayfabe. Something you want to tell me?
I dont know what youre talking about, Boss.
Mae, dont lie to me.
Not lying, Boss.
This isnt kayfabe. We had the scientists test, retest, and
then retest the retest. Jamie West is the daughter you never
told me you had.
When I woke up, The Boss asked me if that was a kayfabe faint or
if I really did lose c-c-consciousness. I really did.

And when the promotion p-p-paid for one more DNA test and it
said fuck yeah The Alaskan Jamie West is the daughter of Mad Dog
Mae Donner, and when we told you, and when y-y-you told me you
l-l-loved me, and, and, andSee what you made me do? I can
hardly talk. B-b-because youre back in my life. And I love you.
Jamie, I had my daughter back in my life for two months and she
nearly killed herself forever tonight--as--I--watched.

Holy FUCK, what am I thinking?? Jesus fucking Christ, get to

Medical now, crap, see how mad you made me I forgot your post-
match checkup, and--the doctors gave both of you a clean bill of
health? What about the concussion protocol, you could not have--
you passed that, too?! What about her Frog Splash, dont both of
you have at least one cracked rib?

All that shit, and all you two have are cuts and bruises?! Plus
a few thumbtack holes?! When was your last tetanus shot?

OK, half of me is really proud of the fact that you and Titania
are the safest wrestlers in the promotion, but half of me still
wants to kill you.

Because I dont want to cry anymore when I watch you wrestle.

Why, Jamie, why? Why did you pull all that shit?! WHY??

To impress me?

To im-PRESS me??

You impressed me when you popped outta my womb fists clenched

looking like you were already looking for a fight. You are my
only child. Yes, there are no others, believe me, I would know,
but tonight my only child did STUPID things that could have
killed her and I could do nothing but watch and cry. I wish I
didnt know you were my daughter, cause I coulda been 100% mad.
Instead, I g-g-grieved. I thought my daughter was going to die.
 The Passion of Mad Dog Mae Donner - 5

Two months after I met her. I love you so much I would rather
kill you than watch you kill yourself. But Im just your mother.
Think about your parents.

My daughter ended up with a great family that raised her damn

near perfectly, loved wrestling, and supported her in her own
crazy dreams to make it in this crazy business. How do you think
they feel?? Now dont get me wrong: the Armanda Hammer gimmick
your father invented was lame, but aside from that they could
not have been better for you, and when Im done tearing off your
head and pissing down your throat you will immediately call your
parents and tell them youre OK. I might be your mother, but
theyre your parents. They deserve your love more than I do.

And for Gods sake, dont you know how to wear a fucking strap?!

No, no, NO, not around your waist! Take that thing off, let me
show you how. You will wear your belt as the daughter of Mad Dog
Mae Donner, over your right shoulder. People read a TV screen
like a book, left to right, so make sure they see the strap
first, then your face. When you hold the belt over your head,
use both hands and straighten your arms over your head.

Yes. Like that. Just like that.

Just like me.

Damn, my daughter looks good with a strap.

I pushed to make you and Titania co-headliners at WrestleWar

after you being my daughter went viral. All these decades of
struggle, finally women co-headline one of wrestlings biggest
annual events. And one of those women sharing top billing with
the boys was my one and only daughter.

You. Look. Good.

OK, one tenth of me still wants to kill you, but the other nine
tenths of me could not possibly be prouder.

Japan All-Girl Wrestling called me last night. I was keeping

this secret until after the match. You know all them tweets the
promotions getting, begging Mad Dog to come out of retirement
and join her daughter in the ring? Well, JAG-Dub wants you and
me to tour Japan as a tag team versus Titania and my old arch-
enemy-slash-best-friend Gold Scorpion Tanaka. Scorps as kind
and generous a friend as you can have and a helluva cook, you
would absolutely love her homemade ramen noodles. The Boss gave
 The Passion of Mad Dog Mae Donner - 6

his OK, he wants the writers to experiment with some new story
lines, and he owns a piece of JAG-Dub anyway.

And JAG-Dub is offering $1 million to the four of us.

$250,000 apiece. One month, sixteen shows, eight televised. Man

money for the women. Bout fucking time. I could use it. After
twenty-nine years, nine straps and ten operations, I do not have
much of a nest egg for my old age. I cant do my crazy shit, not
with this knee, besides, Lighting from a Clear Blue Sky belongs
to The Alaskan Jamie West now, that and the Superplexes, you can
do all that shit and Ill work the ground game.

We can do a work where I tell you and Titania you cant wrestle
in The Chamber of Horrors ever again--by the way, women in this
promotion are banned from The Chamber--and then you and Titania
both drop me with your finishers, I kayfabe suspend you two for
a month, and then were off to The Land of the Rising Payday.

If its OK with you. What do you say? You willing to tour Japan
with a girl whos old enough to be your mother?

OK. Ill text JAG-Dub with the good news, ask them to email the
contracts. Now listen: one per cent of me is still a little bit
pissed off at you, but dammit I cannot wait to get in the ring
again, and bettern that, wrasslin with my daughter. The women
have tag-team titles in Japan, maybe youll help me win my tenth
strap. Hows this for the tee shirt: our scowling faces side by
side, with the caption Like Mother, Like Daughter, Like Hell.
In English for the Japanese fans and Japanese characters for the
Americans fans because thats how wrestling fans are.

Jamie, you got me back inside the squared circle, my favorite

place on earth. Call your parents, then get cleaned up. You and
me are gonna eat steak, get drunk, and beat the crap outta any
boys who look at us funny.

I am so fucking proud of you. That was one helluva match.

FINIS.