Independent revision

1. What elements are you revising for and why? (Possibilities may include characterization,
setting description, theme development, action, suspense or dialogue).
I do not need to revise anything in my story. It has all of the details that I need to make it a better
story. If I had more time it would continue.

2. What do you want your reader to infer about your character or plot?
I want my reader to infer that this is a form of depression because he is really sad and he is
trapped inside of his mind.

3. Check all the things below that you feel you have ALREADY accomplished in your story
AND HIGHLIGHT A PLACE IN THE TEXT WHERE YOU DO EACH OF THESE.

__x__Plot contributes to main idea or lesson.

. __x__Dialogue reveals character motivations, flaws and struggles
__x__Dialogue or detail establishes characterization
__x__Detail/plot contributes to meaning/lesson of story
__x__Adds complexity to character by showing virtues and flaws
__x__Shows characters relationship to setting
__x__Purposeful description of setting
__x__Uses well-developed word choice

4. Copy and paste original document twice into revision document. You will leave the original
alone and revise/change/edit the second one. When you submit the assignment, you will have
the original and final revised piece together in one document.

5. Make the CONTENT changes that are necessary.

Add in any elements you are missing from the checklist.
Delete unnecessary parts.
Change or edit anything you need to make the piece as best it can be.

6. Edit!
Make sure you have spelled everything correctly.
Check the punctuation for all sentences AND dialogue
Capitalize correct words
Use the best, high level and precise vocabulary you can
 The music of the Halloween party was so loud. I still cant believe I am one of the last
ones. I wonder what happened to the rest of them, maybe there are still some survivors
Maybe I can move just a little

2 Days Earlier
Just another day in the boring old 9th grade. I just hope that I dont get too much
homework tonight, I gotta start working on my costume, after all it is only 2 days away until the
best night of the year.
Hey man are you ready for one of the best nights of our lives?
David it's not gonna be the best night ever, I mean we are only going out trick or treating.
David is one of my friends, since I am still new to this high school he is the best friend I could
get at the moment. I watched him as he left to class. I was startled when someone had tapped
me on the shoulder. I turned around to see who it was.
Hey man, hows it going
Oh no, oh no no no no no NO! It was one of the coolest kids in the 11th grade.
Do you got any plans for Halloween
I looked in David's class, I didnt see him, I turned back around and in the heat of the moment I
said no.
Great! I am having an awesome party this weekend, if you wanna come that would be great.
Yeah I-I-I I would love to come!

He handed me an envelope with the information I needed. After the day seemed to be
one large haze of small events. I luckily did not see David the rest of the day. I went straight
home and opened up the envelope. It had the address, number, and date. It also said
something about preparing to get scared. I did not take much to that and put it on my calendar. I
finished up my costume and I planned to throw it in my bag in case everyone else was not in a
costume. I ran out the door and realized that I forgot to do my homework. I wrote everything
down as quickly as possible. I was halfway down the block when I realized that the party was
not until Halloween. I ran back to my house sat down and started criticising my stupidity. It was
just like how my parents used to. My parents were driving home once and I was in the back
seat. I was nearly asleep, then I saw the flash of lights and heard the crash. The truck had ran
of the front of the car killing both of my parents and barely missing me. I starting to choke on
tears and found as my grandma walked into the house. She saw me and started to hit me as
she thought that crying was for the week.

She stopped after a while but since she is old and week it did not hurt much. I looked at
the time a turned on my xbox and played until I had to go to sleep. I went to sleep and a very
weird dream. I woke up, and it seemed too real. There I was just sitting up in my bed, I felt like
something was staring at me. I looked to the corner of the room where it was darkened. I
noticed the two bright white eyes sitting there floating I got up and they looked straight as me.
Then I heard The voice. It was telling me to run. Is was telling me not to go to the party, it
sounded just like my mom. I went towards the shadow. I made the mistake of touching and then
waking up to my alarm blaring. I new today was the party and I started to play the day away until
the party. I looked at the time and noticed it was almost time to go to the party. I threw on my
costume and the makeup that I needed. I was out the door when my phone started to ring, it
was David. I put my phone on silent and biked over to the party. I arrive and heard no music and
no laughter. I checked the address, it was the right place. I walked in and some the 9th grader,
whose name is Zak. Zak told me to come into the room. There were a bunch of other teenagers
circled around a ouija board.
Is that what I think it is??
Yeah man, i thought since it is Halloween I might as well go something scary.
Hey if I get possessed i am so out.

We both laughed and then sat down around the board. All of us put two fingers on the
piece so that we could summon a spirit. We started the summoning process. Right after the
process I immediately did not feel well, almost as if something was not right about the spirit.
Who are you
The piece immediately started to move. It moved to the letter M, then to the letter O, then to the
letter M It spelled out MOM. Could it be my mom?
Whos mom are you?

The piece immediately started to move and spelled out YOURS. No way, this cannot be
happening. We asked several more question, we even asked are you evil. It said YES. We are
all astonished. Why would my Mom be an evil spirit. We made the spirit leave to finish of the
process and left. We all got up had some pizza we were just about to leave when all of the
windows and doors shut. The power went out. Zak was the first to break the silence.
Dont worry I got this
We heard the door open and close. We hear a scream and a very, VERY, loud pop. We
all ran out the door and saw a black cloud of mist. Zak was sitting there, covered in-in his own
ashes. It was simply everywhere. The black mist saw me. Everyone ran but I was struck with
fear. It grabbed me and ripped me to shreds. My eyes filled with black. I couldnt see. I could not
breathe. Is this what death felt like? Am I dreaming? Then I woke up. It was the day before the
party, I was confused, I got up looked around and saw that the calendar on my phone was
strangely off. It was almost like someone made it that way Or something. I woke up and
started my morning routine. Still shaking from the nightmare that I had. I was on the steps of the
school when Zak opened the door, he was looking quite pale. He motioned for me to follow him.
Ok So last night I had a dream Everyone was there.. But something was off.
There was that-
Black mist, yeah I know, I had the dream too
Yeah but there is more Everyone else that was in the dream is not hear today, I have
tried calling but they havent called back
Dude it is fine-
NO IT ISNT WHAT IF THEY HAVENT GOTTEN OUT WHAT IF THEY HAVENT
ESCAPED
 Zak panicked and ran off into the neighbourhood, I still havent seen him return. It's fine
though, right> I mean, he has to show up to his own party. That thought kept me going and once
again, school flew by as if it never happened. My costume was ready and everything was fine.
Now all I had to do was occupy myself until six. Sounds pretty easy, right? Wrong. My Xbox one
just broke so that wont work. I dont want to go to the mall or anything and waste my time and
money. So maybe I will just go outside on a bike ride. I opened the garage and got on my bike
and start riding. I have a really nice metal bike, with a really cool custom paint job. I started
riding down the middle of the street when everything started to slow down. I hopped of my bike
and noticed that my tire was deflating at an alarming rate and I was sure that I did not hit
anything. That's when I noticed the the rot. It was there moving upwards on the tire and just
eating away at it. How was this possible? Tires dont rot, right? At least it was only the tire
until it started to rot away at the bike. I blinked This could not be happening. This is not right!!!
I rubbed my eyes. When I got up I was laying face down on the sidewalk. My bike was a couple
feet away from me. I ,must have fallen, how long was I out for? I looked at the time on my
phone, which was now cracked.

The time re 6:05. This cant be real, I left at 2 o'clock. I biked back home grabbed my
costume and went to Zack's house. Hopefully this time it would not be a dream. I got over and
noticed there were a lot more people. Zak was there too, luckily, and looking as pale as he was
last time. I went inside and I was immediately greeted by friends and by some great music.
Right as I walked in the bass dropped, making this party one heck of a time. As we hit midnight
people slowly started to trickle out. Until it was just Zak two girls named Coraline and Savannah.
There was also this other kid, I am pretty sure he was Zaks younger brother or something. Zak
looked at all of us and said, Guys, lets do something, something fun I thought to myself that
he was going to pull out a ouija board and start the ritual. But he didnt, instead he pulled out a
small doll.
You guys ever heard of one man hide and seek? No? Ok, well what we are going to do is we
are going to empty out all of the stuffing and replace it with rice and the sew it back up with a
crimson thread.
Ok sounds fun, what will happen?
Well, the doll should come and find us
WE all agreed on doing it because it was such a highly unlikely thing that could happen.
We did the ritual, turned off all of the lights and set the TV to static. We all hid. I kept my eyes on
the TV, apparently it would tell you if the doll was near. Nothing was happening, but that when I
saw the shadow of something walking in the hall I knew something was not right. I called out,
Zak? The shadow darted away. Almost as if it wasnt Zak. Could it have been the doll? No.
That was not possible. Dolls dont walk around by themselves. I checked my watch, it was 2
hours since we had started, I quietly got up and put salt water in my mouth so that I could stop
that ritual. I walked around and finally got to the bathroom. What I saw was horrific. The doll was
sitting on the rim of the bath tub, with a smile that was not there before. But was in the bathtub
was the most scariest thing. It was the bodies of Zak, Savannah, Coraline, and the younger
brother.
 They were all in the bath tub in a big ashy mess. I could not handle it and I grabbed the
doll and finished the ritual. I swear as I finished it the doll seemed to go limp. Almost if
something just got out of it. That's when all of the lights turned on. Zak was there so was the
rest of them! But how? They were all- that when I noticed the ashes on the bodies. Their bodies
dropped to the floor and then the black mist was there. But this time It seemed much more
real. It flew at me and tore me to shreds. I did not feel any pain. I only saw and felt darkness.
Then my alarm went off. I woke up. I had forgotten to turn it off. I checked my calendar. Once
again it was one day before the party. I felt nauseated. I could barely stand without nearly
puking. I stood up and told my mom. She said that I was going to skip school today. She also
said I was going to skip the party. I was slightly disappointed, but relieved at the same time. I
played the day away and the next. It was almost time for the party that I was not going too. Then
I saw it. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw the thing with the white eyes. I saw the doll in its
hands. Then the mist started to surround me and just surrounded me. Then I was shaken
awake. It was Zak.
Thank god man! You just passed out on the couch. Too much juice, or should I say too
much SPIKED juice
Yeah man, sur-
I bent over the side of the couch and puked.
Hey lemme call my grandma, I think I might have to crash here
Alright cool man
I called my grandma and she was ok with me staying over. I just made sure to claim the
couch so that no-one would take it before me. It looked like other people were staying too. I
wanted to ask him so much about the people who were in the previous dream. So I did. I looked
to Zaks face a response. His face turned red. He looked like he was on the brink of killing me or
crying. So instead I changed the subject as quickly as I could. That when we somehow got to
the topic of doing the Charlie Charlie challenge. This is where you basically make a simpler
version of a ouija board. So basically it is a pencil that will move by the force of the spirit
pushing it. It started off with no response. But that's when the pencil started to move. It started
to move right after I said Do you know the black Mist?. Every time it turned to the yes symbol.
But that's when it started to spin.The the ground beneath the table seemed to collapse. All that
was left was a giant hole with what looked like fire coming out of it. The pencil then hit the
ground and the hole closed but, the pencil caught on fire. It started to scorched the ground in
the house It was drawing something. It was finally finished. It had drawn a pentagram. All of
the memories of the people dying.

Flew upon me like a tidal wave of pain. Then the pencil spun once and slowed down
upon the tip of it pointed on one of the guys that were staying here. I did not know any of the
other people. They all came from different schools. That's when the unexpected happened. The
pencil shot out and struck the guy. The pencil seemed to go right through him. Like a knife
through butter. The pencil then hit the ground and the guys lifeless body started to get dragged
closer to the pentagram. I wanted so badly to reach out and grab his leg. To try and stop this
from happening. But it was too late. His body flew up and what seemed like all of the ashes from
his body came out and outlined the pentagram. That when I noticed our shadows. They were
coming to life. They started to become hooded figures. The figures filled in the gaps between s.
They started to chant. I could nt help it. It was almost as if I had been possessed or controlled.

But I started chanting. So did everyone else. Except for one. Zak was not chanting. He
had a look of pure fright upon his face. He was being dragged to wear the previous man's body
was. He stood up in the center of the bloody pentagram. Then he lit on fire. However bright the
fire got, it would not go out, what seemed like hours he burned. Then another person stood up.
It looked as if they just combined themselves into one flame. Then another stood. Then another.
Nd another. Everyone rose and combined into the fire. Then I was the only one. But then the
flame went out. The charred bodies fell into ashes and then took the form of the pentagram. The
hooded figures, now totally defined and no longer shadow, looked to me. The chanting stopped.
Before I knew it I was walking into the circle. Then the ashes and she's started to crawl up my
body. This was not happening. I will just wake up and everything will be back to normal. They
ashes mixed with ashes had reached up to my neck, they were soon going to consume me, if
only I was stronger than this if only-.
The ashes and ashes had conformed to his body and his screams of pain were silenced.
The ashes hardened making a statue of glorious pain and death. The hooded figures started to
chant. They ashes turned to embers. And like the phoenix he was reborn. The angel that fell
from the sky Satan. He had return the the realm.
The ashes had fallen from my body. But my body did not feel normal. It felt changed and
different. Nothing to me felt the same. Everything was different something felt off. I could not tell
until I was moving when I did not want. I just started to move and to talk. Those hooded figures
had started to crumble. It seemed that they were sacrificing themselves to me. Then I heard the
voice. It was talking to me. It was telling me to do things that I could never do. It wanted me to
reap the souls of the living so that he can take possession of my body. I could not let this
happen.

THIS WAS NOT ME. I cant take it. Why havent I woken up. I have to force myself to
wake up. I dug deep within myself to wake up. Then everything went black. I woke up restrained
to bed. The sun coming through a window above my head. I tried to lift my head up. But my ears
were filled with ringing. My head hurt so bad. I try to get myself aware of where I was. I had a
heart monitor attached to me and several other medical beds. I was in a.. Hospital. This must be
another dream. I tried to wake up again. But I couldnt. I could not perceive that this was real.
This has been so confusing for me. I dont know what is real and what is not. But this one felt
real. The handle on the door started to slowly turn. It was a doctor. I could not see his name tag
so he will remain nameless. He sat down next to me. When he noticed I was awake, he smiled.
Hey there bud, youve been resting a while now havent you?
I remained quite. The doctor looked at me with a perplexed expression. So I started to explain.
He started to ask me if I remember what I dreamed about. I did, I did not want to tell him though.
I felt like he would laugh, or even worse. He untied the straps that we on my arms. I started to
stand with his help. I was put into a wheelchair.
Where is my grandmom?
The doctor did seemed to pay attention to my question. The wheeled my outside and into a
truck. I did not see who it was. When I asked the man in the front seat he turned around.
Hey bud, how's it going
I recognised that voice. I heard it in every dream. It was Zak. Zak cleared everything up for me.
He said that my grandma had driven me over to the party but on the way there we were
ambushed. Someone had shot her. Tears were dripping of the bottom of my shin. He then said
that I was knocked out. But the hit had cracked my skull straight open and put me into a coma. I
was taken to the hospital and I was out for a couple years. Zak had also said that he was going
to be my legal guardian. He was way older than me so it worked out. I was happy but then I
released I was alone. I was the last of my family. I realized that I was going to be alone for the
rest of my life. WE arrived at Zack's house. I was almost afraid to go into his house. I was
scared that this was still a dream. I was trying not to wake up. I wanted to see what would
happen. We walked into the house. As soon as we walked in. We heard footsteps on the top of
the stairs.
Robbers! Stay here, I will take care of them!
Zak ran up the stairs. But then I heard something rolling down the stairs. It was Zack's lifeless
body. But then the form the entity that I recognised. It was the one and only Satan. He looked at
me and smiled with his corrupt evil face.
How does living in my mind feel?
Please Stop
You dont get it do you?
He took several steps closer. I could not understand why he was doing this. My mind felt
twisted. Almost like I wanted death death to myself. This was such a perplexing subject. I
knew that I was somewhere asleep. I had to stop this. There can only be one way. I dug deep
into my senses. I dug deeper. I felt Satan's urge, his push of darkness. I had to resist. I was
doing it. I can feel the real me moving. I saw through my own eyes. I was in my parents bed. I
knew they kept a gun under the bed. Perhaps if only I could no. Thats not the answer. There
has to be another way. I went back into my mind. I found him. This is my mind right? Or is it his?
I dug deeper into my own mind. I found that whatever I wanted appeared. So I did the only thing
that was reasonable. I summoned as much might as I could. Satan was screaming. There was
some sort of mist around him. I started having visions. It was of myself. I was dead in each
vision.

Each of the wounds were self inflicted. No this wasnt me. I summoned the might and
the courage to banish him from my mind. All it took was one more push. I felt the evil disappear
from mind. Then I woke up. Hopefully for the last time. I looked around. I was in my room, one
the end table next to me were containers with pills. I picked one up and looked at the label, it
was an antidepressant. It was prescribed to me. I looked to my arm and saw a needle
connected to an IV bag was sticking out of it. I took that out and saw that I was also hooked up
to blood and a heart monitor. I took all of them off and got out of the bed. My legs and my arms
hurt. I limped downstairs and found my grandmom. She was sitting there with a glass of wine,
crying. When she saw me she stopped crying. Her stare went blank and her eyes widened. She
ran up to me and hugged me.
 What happened mom?
You nearly killed yourself
What do you mean?
Honey you have been in a coma.
It all came back to me now. I came to school on the first day. It was not a good day. It all
just came back at once and tears started streaming down my face. I told her everything. Her
eyes widened. She could not comprehend everything that had happened to me. She told me
that after I went to the party I was not the same. She said I was always scared and was always
sad. She said I would sleep walk. Then it all went downhill that morning. Apparently I would not
wake up. If she tried I would scream and the start having extreme night terrors. Then I just woke
up. From that day on I was never sad. Everything was just amazing, life itself had gotten better.
After a while I realized what the black mist and the figure in my room was. It was my parents.
They killed me in my dreams in an effort to wake me up. Now, whenever I go to sleep they are
there. Watching over me. Protecting me from the dangers of life and of darkness. However I still
have the feeling that something or someone was still after me.

This was graded why Sena

Before you read your partners piece, ask them what they want feedback on.
This writer wants feedback on...
Overall description
After reading partners piece, look over their independent revision that they completed.
Do you think they were successful in accomplishing what they set out to revise or not? Be
specific.
He was right, he has many details and nothing new has to be drastically changed
This writer was especially successful with.
Because
He had was really successful in his details. His story was very detailed and he was able to create
an image in my head that was actualy detailed.
This writer should still consider.
Because
This writer should still consider his dialogue. His dialogue was
Your feedback on the specific thing the writer asked you to look at:

Give the writer an overall score on each of the following. Rate each from 1-5 (1 lowest, 5
highest).

Characterization: 4
Plot/action: 5
Theme/message/big idea: 3
Dialogue 4
Suspense: 5
Vocabulary: 4
Mechanics (spelling, punctuation):5

Share this document with the writer when you are done. Writers should then all look back
to their pieces one final time and make any last revisions due to peer review.