September 27 1990

Edition

The Up (and Down) Times

Today marks the 10 month, 2 week, and 4 day anniversary of the fall
of the Berlin Wall. Mr. Gorbachev finally [tore] down [that] wall. On
the new, cleared border where the wall once was, is a construction
site where a new airport will be built over the once-dividing line.
Rumor has it that the airport will be called the Berlin Airlift, a great
name considering the separated history of the city. In this edition, we
will be covering events from 1920 to the present day, 1990.
News:

1. National researcher, J. Geils, has uncovered that former president, John F. Kennedy,
consistently enjoyed viewing Marilyn Monroes Centerfold. And Jack Ruby has
quoted Kennedy as saying, The angel lives in the centerfold, much to Jackies
disliking.
2. Following his capture, it is said that notorious gangster, Al Capone went to the
Gangsters Paradise known as Alcatraz, when describing his time there, Capone
noted that the experience was Coolio.
3. President Warren G could not Regulate his cabinet members, especially Albert Fall.
They did not regulate any stealin of any (Teapot Dome) property and they were not
damn good too. It seems that they were in fact just some geeks off the street and
were not handy with the steel if you know what I mean.
4. Hiram Wesley Evans was not successful in his campaign for supreme wizard, it
seems he could not Make the KKK Great Again, this rhetoric seems like it is very
catchy and will probably be reproduced and used in, who knows? 26 years.
5. Fiorello LaGuardia has been renowned for his helping of immigrants and for his
tenure as the 99th mayor of New York City, perhaps they will name some form or
place of transportation after him (like an airport).
6. Todays elderly, who lived during the late 1920s, can be found living in Hoovervilles
around the country. These popular, and very luxurious, retirement shantytowns have
been named in honor of the great economist president, Herbert Hoover.
7. The presidents of the 1920s will be remembered most for their immaturity. Many
folks today ridicule them for the childish act of blowing economic bubbles instead of
doing their jobs.
8. The Chicago Bears defeated the New York Giants to win the Dust Bowl in 1933, and
we commemorate that win to this day. The games of the decade were filled with dirty,
bush league plays, so the era was called the Dirty Thirties.
9. It seems the Civil War actually persisted through the 1930s. There was a 3 rd Battle of
Bull Run at the General Motors factory in Flint, Michigan, which ended poorly for
both sides. Rumor has it that the workers were disgruntled over lack of water for
drinking.
10. It seems the creators of the board game Life at Milton Bradley were big fans of
Huey Long. In the game there is a Share the Wealth card that can be played to do
exactly as Long wanted to, to Share Our Wealth amongst players.
 11. On this day we would also like to remember that on this day in 1940, President
Franklin Delano Roosevelt met with the greatest drug manufacturer in the history of
central New Mexico, Walter White. They met, along with Whites financier, Gustavo
Fring, and Whites loving brother-in-law, Hank Schrader. Together they passed the
Los Pollos Hermanos Act the very next day, legalizing the production and distribution
of methamphetamine.

12. Richard Nixon will go down in history as the first male, and thus president, to ever
be impregnated. The embryo is now known to have been quite a criminal, breaking
into Democratic Convention offices and spying on Nixons opponents and what not.
Nixon was in quite a conundrum when his Water(gate) broke and he lost the trust
and confidence of the entire American public.

13. We would like to take a minute to pay homage to Malcom X and his excellent
musical career. His two most popular songs include X Gon Give It to Ya and the
Ruff Ryders Anthem, true hip hop masterpieces.

14. On the same note of hip hop, there was a massive riot in Sugar Hill in 1979-80 that
we would like to recount. It all began when some Rappers were not Delighted.
Wonder Mike got into a fight with one of the friends he brought along, named Hank.
Hank was 6 foot 1 but not tons of fun and was dressed to a tee and he annoyed
Mike by saying that the women fight for my [his] delight as the grandmaster that has
three emcees whom rocks the mic for the young ladies Mike was also disgruntled
when he went over a friends (Hanks) house to eat and the food just [wasnt] no
good, he meant the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed, and the chicken
tasted like wood. Following the insult to Hanks mother and her cooking, the third
friend, Master Gee, added on to it discussing Hanks mother and sexual action
pertaining to his super sperm. This had resulted in quite the conundrum, being the
beginning of the hip hop movement.

Sociology Advice, a column by Robert Bellah

 This entry is going to focus on how to resolve conflicts amongst individuals or
large groups of individuals (countries). Me, being the liberal sociologist I am, have come
up with an excellent way to settle very heated rivalries and debates. The solution is
simple, all it takes is a small sabbatical to the Reykjavik in the small island nation of
Iceland. So, you cheated on your wife with whom you have four kids, and need to
reconcile? Take her to Reykjavik. You killed you neighbors pet dog? Trip to Reykjavik.
You make a remark about outlawing the Soviet Union, and that bombing will commence
shortly thereafter? Trip to Reykjavik! This idea is the master key to solving all disputes, if
you find yourself in a personal dispute or conflict, give it a whirl.

Star Wars, a summary by George Lucas

The Star Wars trilogy was truly amazing, in this entry I will give a brief summary
to the epic saga. It all begins on Tatooine where Luke Skywalker is tasked to find the
wise (oldest president ever) Ben Reagan. Once found, Luke and Reagan work together
with the strategic defense initiative smuggler Han SDI and his partner Chewbacca to
save and defend Princess Capitalism from the grasps of the Evil Empire and Darth
Gorbachev. Little do they know, Darth Gorbachev works for the Emperor, who turns out
to be an old fart named Karl Marx. Despite many obstacles, Luke is able to break
through their Wall of defense and destroy the Evil Empires weapon of mass destruction,
the Communist Star, restoring peace to the galaxy (and Western Berlin).

1920-1990 Crossword Puzzle

Across
6. It sure was a challenge to get1920-1990
this space shuttle into space,
Crossword resulted in a national
Puzzle
tragedy
9. Discovered a cure for disease that is somehow still around today (polio)
11. Gorbachev wanted to be one, Reagan actually was one
12. Great Lynyrd Skynyrd song that wasn't very racist, nor a shot at Neil Young
14. Subject of humor for his clumsiness on SNL, former president, shares name with car
company
15. JFK's license plate number
16. Old racist fart who was still, for some reason, in Congress at 100
17. It's Tricky for you to guess this popular 1980s hip hop group
Down
1. Billie Jean was not his lover, she was just a girl who claimed he was the one, but the
kid was not his son
2. Subject of Don McLean's "American Pie"
3. Something the US consistently broke by interfering in foreign conflicts around the
globe
4. A 60s rock/pop fan's greatest memory
5. Something all high school males looked forward to in the 60s, also a type of beer
7. One of JFK's "concubines" Judith ______
8. Another huge part of hip hop and pop culture that was left out of the textbook by
James Fraser, this short, curly-haired rapper from Compton also died of AIDS
10. Most famous person with AIDS, neglected by James Fraser in the textbook, also
Laker legend
13. The day the Great Depression began, also gave the name to the ingeniously-related
holiday where consumers engage in economic mayhem after giving thanks for their
blessings